Zoostuck 3

You've been trying to improve a sphere

You are stuck on the demo version.

engineering heads

You've been trying to improve a sphere

You are stuck on the demo version.

That's right. Johnsmell Madden sent you off to build a better head, but you haven't been able to come up with anything better than a sphere. Unfortunately, you can't leave your cell until you succeed, but so far all you have is this demo of a sphere with a smiley face drawn on it with a marker.

You don't even know what this is supposed to be a head for. Johnsmell Madden never bothers explaining the details, probably because he doesn't even think them up in the first place. You honestly wonder how he managed to get in charge, all he had was a ridiculous amount of money, oh that's right.

Although considering he's now stopped spending money entirely, you kind of wonder how the economy's even going to work... wait a minute, who's this guy who just snuck into your cell.

You are now the head of the Universal Mint. You were going to hide out in a prison on the surface of the sun, but it was too hard to get there so you settled for the prison where Johnsmell Madden keeps the workers who anger him for whatever stupid reason. It's the last place he'll think to look for you when the economy inevitably crashes.

You've just been spotted by some guy who looks to be making a three-dimensional smiley face. It's weirdly unsettling in the new cartoonish nature of the universe.

Anyways, now that you've made it here, what are you going to do?

replace your head with the sphere

replace your head with the sphere

Okay. You do that. It's quite easy, seeing as the universe is a cartoon now.

Except now you have this intense feeling of existential despair as though nothing you do will matter. Well, okay, you had something like that before what with the utter hopelessness of preventing economic collapse, but this feels more fundamental and you're pretty sure it has to do with this new head you just put on.

Which you don't seem to be able to take off now, even with the help of cartoon physics.

This was probably a bad idea.

You are now Ryan North and you still haven't gotten this car flying but fortunately no one seems to care any more.

What are you going to do next in your futile quest to be cool?

make the car explode but then walk away without looking at it once

the next update is a dinosaur comic, which is possible because the world is a cartoon

the next update is a dinosaur comic, which is possible because the world is a cartoon

make the car explode but then walk away without looking at it once

Man, it's been a WHOLE FIVE MINUTES since you uploaded your cool new strip and you're not a famous (and cool) webcomic artist yet. This is no good! You're going to have to try something more drastic.

You're going to blow up the car. Because walking away from explosions is EVEN COOLER than being a famous webcomic artist! Probably. You haven't checked.

The only problem is that you have no idea how to make a car explode, but THAT'S NEVER STOPPED YOU BEFORE! You just poke at everything in the car and...

And...

And, uh, apparently it flies now. THIS WAS DEFINITELY YOUR PLAN ALL ALONG.

So you have a flying car and a new webcomic that's going to make you famous and more importantly, cool. What are you going to do now?

the dinosaur is about to step on your car. watch out.

fly and do the things where the flying car was supposed to be

the dinosaur is about to step on your car. watch out.

Don't be silly, that car isn't a Delorean... wait a minute... That's your actual car, what's it doing all the way over here? You haven't even driven it in months!

Oh well, you have a cooler car now anyways.

fly and do the things where the flying car was supposed to be

Oh, right, some loser was paying you to do this. You guess you can help the loser out with his loser stuff, for the right price anyways.

You head off to find that loser.

You are now Zoosmell Egbert and you are unaware that the Delorean has been modified to fly. You are, however, aware that there is a giant dinosaur on the rampage for some reason, and you're going to have a hard time manipulating this spork all the way to the sun with a distraction like that on your hands.

So what are you going to do about it?

Tell the dinosaur the spork is an extension for his little arms and that if he maneuvers it to the sun he will become a real dinosaur with real muscular huge arms

discuss the intricacies of an esoteric branch of linguistics to the dinosaur. ask it for ideas. get it involved. you can do it!

You decide to appeal to the dinosaur's intellectual side by discussing the origins of homophones and whether their continued use is justified considering the inevitable confusion they cause.

The dinosaur just shouts back "HOMO-PHONES? THAT'S SO GAY!" and laughs. This is not the response you were hoping for.

Most likely this is somehow the result of Edgebert's meddling with the nature of the universe. You briefly reflect on how much better your meddling with the nature of the universe will be before devising another plan.

Tell the dinosaur the spork is an extension for his little arms and that if he maneuvers it to the sun he will become a real dinosaur with real muscular huge arms

Perfect. This dinosaur is clearly a vain creature. By taking advantage of that character flaw, you can easily manipulate this creature into doing your bidding.

Your genius is incredible for devising such a plan. You take some time to reflect on this before offering your spork to the dinosaur with an explanation that reaching the sun with it will grant it longer arms.

The dinosaur promptly takes the spork and starts poking you with it. This is not what you had in mind at all.

You are now the dinosaur. You spontaneously popped into existence a few minutes ago and you've decided to enter the martial arts tournament. Also some tiny human just gave you an awesome spork.

But right now, you have an important question to answer.

What will your TOTALLY KICKASS martial artist name be?

BATMAN'S BATFAN

Karatesaurus

BATMAN'S BATFAN

You briefly consider this, but you're not in a universe that can handle something as cool as a Bat-man. Even contemplating the possibility causes a minor rift in reality that alters existence in such a way that you never thought of it in the first place what were you talking about again?

Oh, right. Awesome martial artist nickname!

Karatesaurus

Yes! This is the perfect name to enter the tournament under. You go ahead and do that...

Wait. This isn't a karate tournament? It's a spinjitsu tournament, whatever that is? Well, whatever, you're entering anyways, and your awesome martial artist name is sure to grant you victory.

You are now Johnsmell Madden and you're waiting for news that your Super Puck has won the tournament and made you even richer. Instead, you're getting boring reports from the Reality Integrity Department about minor alterations of reality... when did you even order this department, anyways? You can't remember setting up anything this boring.

Anyhow, you're sick of these reports and they're probably getting in the way of reports on how much richer you're getting. So the obvious thing to do is eliminate this boring department. Who do you need to yell at to make that happen, again?

Whoever I damn well please.

That's right. You're Johnsmell Madden and you don't care about the little details like who's actually in charge of doing stuff. You just dial a random number on your phone and start yelling.

You are now the Supreme Ruler of the Moonited Nations and you just got a call from someone who's ordering you to eliminate the Reality Integrity Department.

Now, normally if you got a call like this, you'd tell them to shove it because you're the Supreme Ruler of the Moonited Nations. But something about the way this guy is yelling at you tells you that he's even more important and you'd better do what he says, or else. Maybe it's his tone, or his vocabulary, or maybe it's the fact that he just shouted that he's the most important guy in the universe and that you'd better do what he says or else.

Regardless, as supreme ruler of the su-- moon, yes, this is definitely the moon - you have a vast array of resources at your disposal to do the bidding of this mysterious voice. So how are you going to abolish this department that you've never heard of before?

Make a Reality Integrity Department Integrity Department,

Make a Reality Integrity Department Integrity Department,

Of course! You'll crush this department you didn't know existed under a mountain of bureaucracy. You promptly establish the Moon Reality Integrity Department Integrity Department to ensure that any Reality Integrity Departments are operating up to code.

You are now the poor sap in charge of the newly-established Moon Reality Integrity Department Integrity Department. You have no idea how you're going to find any Reality Integrity Departments, or how you'd evaluate them even if you did. However, the Supreme Ruler expects results and you definitely don't want to disappoint the Supreme Ruler.

So what are you going to do?

exist as an isotope

Integrate

Integrate

Of course! If you start integrating reality, then the Reality Integrity Departments you're looking for are sure to notice and probably send someone to act on it. You can then track the agents back to their points of origin and locate the Reality Integrity Departments to audit them.

This plan probably makes no sense but you honestly can't think of anything else. You suppose the first step is figuring out what exactly it means to integrate reality.

You are now Satan, and you are quite concerned. Your old business partner Johnsmell Madden has been completely consumed by his greed and is just hoarding money without ever spending it. Normally you'd be pleased by this because you'd get his soul, but there are two problems.

First off, he seems to be immortal, at least for the moment. So you're not just going to be able to wait for his soul to show up here.

Second, and more disconcertingly, if he learns of your generic dollar bill collection he's sure to go after it. What can you do to protect against this disaster?

burn your generic dollar bill collection

It's not currency.

It's butts