Zoostuck 3

Summon the Bee-eyed Black Bee in Bee mode

Some of these suggestions I literally do not remember giving

win a spelling bee

Yes! Of course! All you have to do is convince this Johnsmell Madden to stake rulership of the universe over the results of a spelling bee and then defeat him in it! There is nothing that can possibly go wrong with this plan.

Except, well, you don't see any spelling bees around.

summon a spelling bee in defense mode

But wait! Using ancient Egyptian card game magic, you can summon a spelling bee! You immediately do so, and set it to defense so that it will remain safe until Johnsmell Madden arrives to challenge you.

It is three hours later. You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you somehow found your way out of the convention center. Some other stuff is going on but you don't care about it at this point.

However, there's a really bored mummy standing around next to a gigantic bee made out of letters. This is by far the most interesting thing you see around, so you're probably going to do something stupid involving it.

What stupid thing will that be?

Challenge it to a game of hangman. It's got the letters right there!

activate a trap card

activate a trap card

*transgender woman

don't be so insensitive

Challenge it to a game of hangman. It's got the letters right there!

You promptly run up to the mummy and challenge it to a game of Hangman. The mummy stares at you for a while, then shrugs and waves its arms.

A set of seven dashes pops up and the bee hovers nearby, waiting for you to claim the letters from it.

You suddenly remember that Hangman is really boring but you also feel like mystical forces are holding you in here and you have to finish this stupid game. Well, that's great.

You are now Johnsmell Madden and your ubiquitous surveillance cameras inform you that someone is playing Hangman outside your pyramid. You cannot allow this to continue because no one is allowed to play games that weren't created by you. So how are you going to stop it?

call out vowels

Throw a footballer at it

replace all the letters with AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Create hangman and make both of them pay a fee before they can continue playing.

Take them to jail

summon pete the peasant

Take them to jail

You prepare to call your security forces to arrest them, but then you remember that you disbanded your security forces and decommissioned all your prisons after you broke the population's will so much that they never disobeyed you anyways.

If you were more curious, you might wonder how these guys are disobeying you now, but thinking that far ahead is boring. If you tried to think about why things happened or if you should do them, you never would have launched that prison with the mysterious virus outbreak into the sun. And that's not the kind of world you want to live in.

Create hangman and make both of them pay a fee before they can continue playing.

Perfect! You create Johnsmell Madden's Hangman and the game in progress halts as it asks each player to pay $50 dollars per session. It's a low price, but you were too impatient to deal with the computer stuff you'd have to do to make it higher.

You are now the Spelling Bee and you are the legal property of Johnsmell Madden. A mummy and a stupid kid are fumbling around trying to get enough money to pay for your game. What are you going to do while you wait for them to get their acts together and pay up?

Sing and dance

Escape

Play some Madden.

Write a letter to the editor

Sing and dance

That would qualify as providing entertainment! And, in accordance with Johnsmell Madden's rule, you can only do that for paying customers.

It's a shame, you know some really good dance moves.

Play some Madden.

You can't do that! For one thing, you don't have any money, and for another, Johnsmell Madden doesn't like his game-properties partaking in other game-properties because it might lead to the creation of a game without his direct approval. Or something. You're not sure of the actual reason, but you're forbidden by universal edict from playing any Madden games, other than the one you're part of, and even then you're only to act as a facilitator.

Escape

This is too much. You weren't Madden property a few minutes ago, but now all these terms of use are filling the upside-down A that serves as your head and you can't get them out. You've got to escape, somehow.

But how can you possibly do that when Johnsmell Madden controls this entire universe, not to mention the heavy restrictions he's placed on your actions?

Write a letter to the editor

Of course! Letters to the editor aren't entertaining at all, so there's nothing stopping you from writing one. You aren't sure how this will help in any way, but at the very least it should keep you from being bored.

What's your letter going to be about?

About how economic dictator Johnsmell Madden should be deposed in favor of a more hive-oriented government

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U

About how economic dictator Johnsmell Madden should be deposed in favor of a more hive-oriented government

Your first instinct is that there would be rules against this as a consequence of being the intellectual property of Johnsmell Madden, but it turns out there aren't because nobody reads letters to the editor so who cares. No force, magic or otherwise, prevents you from attempting to compose the letter.

However, you soon run into a problem. The words you write are composed of your very essence, and you don't have enough for a long letter. You'll need to find a way to get your point across as briefly as possible.

F-U-C-K-Y-O-U

Perfect. You have distilled your message down to its core. You send it off at once.

You are now the editor of the only remaining newspaper on Maddenworld, the Madden Times, and you've just received a letter. Obviously you're going to put it in the next issue, because you get so few letters these days that you have to publish them all and then make up several yourself just to fill the section.

However, your finely-honed editorial instincts tell you that this letter needs to be accompanied by a political cartoon that's far too unsubtle to be funny. What should you tell your political cartoonist to include in it?

A poorly drawn sketch of a hand giving the middle finger that might be able to pass as a sideways Canada.

SPINJITSU: THE RETURN