Zoostuck 3

You, too, must go looking for the moonglasses

stop caring, duh

You tried that! But something wouldn't let you. It was the weirdest feeling, as if the universe itself was preventing you from doing anything as cool as not caring about how cool you are.

You're not even good at caring about how cool you are, which is the worst part of it. You just keep trying stupid stuff in an effort to be cooler and it never works!

You, too, must go looking for the moonglasses

And speaking of stupid ideas in a failed effort to be cooler, you just had one! You're going to go looking for moonglasses, even though you have no idea what those are or why they would be cool. But that's not going to stop you, only your total incompetence ever stops you!

Which is why you've already tripped over your shoelaces. Man, what an uncool start.

Oh, and some kid just pulled up in a really fast Delorean. He's asking you to modify it to fly into space. Of course you agreed, because that makes you sound cool, but you actually don't have the slightest idea how to do that. If you did, maybe you could go to the moon to find these moonglasses that you can't actually prove exist.

So what are you going to do?

Fake it till ya make it.

Or you could learn spinjitsu.

Fake it till ya make it.

You mean... lie? Well, lying is pretty uncool, but so are you, so you're totally up for that. You start babbling a lot of nonsense about flux capacitators and thermal energy signatures while just randomly poking at things under the hood.

However, the more you do it, the more uncomfortable you feel with your uncoolness, and you were already pretty damn uncomfortable. You're wondering if there's another way.

Or you could learn spinjitsu.

It's only then that you realize there's an old martial arts guru type staring at you, and you have this vague sense that he knows exactly how uncool you really are but isn't saying anything. You can't tell how long he's been there. You wonder if maybe he'll teach you martial arts through mundane tasks, and/or a cool training montage.

You are now the spinjitsu master. Your attunement to the proper state of the universe is telling you that this man must learn spinjitsu, but you can see at a glance that he is not even ready for the most basic of techniques. How will you prepare this highly unimpressive prospective student?

snatch the pebble from his hand

Apprentice him to your tornado apprentice, thus tying that plot thread in.

> Give him a one-way ticket to Hell.

snatch the pebble from his hand

He doesn't have a pebble in his hand. But you can fix that.

You use your spinjitsu skills to put a pebble in his hand without him even noticing. You then snatch it the moment he starts to feel like something is odd. He looks at his hand, baffled.

You aren't sure what that accomplished, but damn it felt good.

Apprentice him to your tornado apprentice, thus tying that plot thread in.

Your tornado apprentice has probably lost all of its skills by now... wait, no, despite months passing due to time travel, there hasn't been a contest at all. How about that.

Regardless, your apprentice would definitely be better suited to the unpleasant task of training this incompetent, because it would mean you wouldn't have to bother. Now if only you could get your apprentice out of Limbo, you might be able to get somewhere.

> Give him a one-way ticket to Hell.

Or, alternatively, you could send this guy to Limbo and your apprentice could train him there. Unfortunately, all you have is this one-way ticket to Hell, and that's the wrong place entirely.

Granted, sending him to Hell would put him in the afterlife and outside the uncool influences of this universe, allowing him to actually be cool, but you don't know this because you're not an omniscient narrator rock. So how are you going to resolve this problem?

pass the buck to satan

Raise satanic monkey slave children from Rigel 7.

Rigel 7 has a hell. probably.

Where did you get this ticket?

Where did you get this ticket?

Look, becoming an aging martial arts master isn't easy. You have to embark on a lifetime of exciting adventures all over the world, and inevitably you end up with a number of mementos, most of which will turn out to be critical in future exciting adventures. That's just how it goes.

You certainly don't have the energy these days to remember which exciting adventure you got a particular memento from. This ticket might have been from that time you defeated Beelzebub in the spinjitsu tournament, or it might have been from that time you were turned into a piano and had to use spinjitsu to find a way to change back. Does it really matter at this point?

pass the buck to satan

You and Satan aren't on speaking terms. Also you don't have any money because you took an oath of poverty other than your mementos and your hermitage, so how would you even give him anything?

You are now Satan, and you could really use a dollar right about now. What do you need it for, exactly?

bottled water. the taps just spit out flames

gasoline. There just isn't enough fire around here.

You lost a bet.

Hookers.

Your generic dollar bill collection.

You lost a bet.

That's right. You bet some old man that he couldn't eliminate coolness from the universe and now he has. And you're one dollar short of what he's asking for. You can technically afford his price, but...

Your generic dollar bill collection.

You'd have to dip into your generic dollar bill collection, and considering how much work you put into getting those, parting with even one is unacceptable.

But, while you may be the Lord of Lies, you are obligated by your nature to honor your debts. You never quite understood how that worked.

Anyways, how are you going to get your grubby little mitts on a dollar?

steal candy from a baby, and then sell the candy. And the baby.

holla

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aeiou

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steal candy from a baby, and then sell the candy. And the baby.

Who the here are you going to sell it to? You don't pay your minions, and if they do have money you can bet your horns they won't part with it for just a baby and some candy. No, they'll want real concessions, like naming a circle after them, and you aren't prepared for that kind of me.


Good point. John Madden's proven he has no qualms doing business with you, he'd totally pay you a dollar for a baby. Now you just need to find him.

You are now John Madden and you are the richest man in this universe because all video games are Madden Football. You are currently overseeing the release of Madden 2015, which is of course the 2015th entry in the series.

You have just been informed by your testers of a very serious glitch in the game, however. The programmers have been unable to determine the exact cause, but it seems that somehow Madden 2015 is a baseball game.

What are you going to do about this problem?

Claim baseball is the new football.