Zoostuck 3

Win first, think later.

Win first, think later.

Well, you've already won.

Okay, maybe not technically, but it's quite impossible for you to lose. And if you don't pick out your prize in advance, you run the risk of getting so caught up in the thrill of victory that you end up asking for nothing at all, or for something useless.

The secret of spinjitsu

Of course! Long have you sought the secrets of... whatever that was. Well, okay, not that long, but you're sure the tornado knows them.

Wait, what secrets are we talking about here?

The power to blow like a champion

Ah, of course! What better way to humiliate your fallen foes by claiming their greatest strengths, even the ones that don't actually help you win your limbo competitions?

Regardless, now that you've decided, you wait for the tornado to issue the challenge.

And wait.

And wait.

The tornado does not seem to be issuing any challenges. Well, this is disappointing.

You are now somebody in a completely different place who is nonetheless closely related to these events. Who are you, where are you, and how are you involved in this mess?

You are the Grand Master of Spinjitsu.

uh your tornado apprentice is in trouble! you need to sacrifice yourself for him

You are the Grand Master of Spinjitsu.

That's right. You are the Grand Master of Spinjitsu, a difficult art that almost no one has any actual interest in - otherwise you might be cooler than Jogh Edgebert, and obviously he doesn't want to let that happen.

But why does this conflict in between dimensions affect you?

uh your tornado apprentice is in trouble! you need to sacrifice yourself for him

Oh, of course. Your mystical senses tell you that the tornado you painstakingly trained is at risk of losing the secrets to an unworthy outsider.

You must help in the only way you can: by sacrificing all of your mastery so that it may be transferred to your apprentice.

Unfortunately, this is an incredibly difficult ritual to perform, and if you mess it up you'll just die without accomplishing anything. This will take great concentration and preparation.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again and somehow you and this farting space-lizard have ended up outside the home of the grand master of some really stupid martial art. Why did you come here, again?

Turn Farts into Wind Power in 5 Simple Steps

you didn't

He is the only surface dweller who can translate farting space lizard into stuff you can understand!

you didn't

Oh, that's right. You didn't come here, the lizard guy dragged you here. Although you've got no idea why that is.

He is the only surface dweller who can translate farting space lizard into stuff you can understand!

You are now the space lizard, however, and you do know why you came here. The Earthling who lives here is renowned among your people for being able to understand sound without the use of his nose. Surely he will be able to translate for this other Earthling so you can make a request for help finding your way back to the planet-ship!

Unfortunately, despite all the time you have spent wandering this planet, you still have not been able to determine how the local organisms use their doors. Very few of them open upon your approach! You wonder if they are even aware of this significant malfunction of their global computer system.

Regardless, you need to find some way to open this malfunctioning door so you can speak to the Earthling inside. How will you do this?

Use extreme force, even hands, if necessary

carve a bare hot dog into a key

Use your knob

carve a bare hot dog into a key

Why would you do that? While eating well will no doubt ensure you have the energy to think up a brilliant plan for opening this door, you already ate a meat-key just forty minute-cycles ago. It's much too soon for another meal.

Use extreme force, even hands, if necessary

Ah, of course! You can use the superior strength of your four arms and their forearms to force this uncooperative door open. You pull back all your arms and push them towards the door with all your might.

The end result is a loud knock. The door opens. Clearly this was because of the superiority of your door-opening technique and not because the Earthling inside wanted to see what was making the noise.

You are now Bud Muckman. You're in limbo with a tornado and a limbo champion and you are making the ill-advised decision to attempt to figure out what the hell is going on. What's your best guess?

Monkeys.

Shenanigans

Tear a blender in half through sheer force of will.

Monkeys.

Shenanigans

Yeah, it's probably monkeys pulling some shenanigans. That's been the cause of most of your problems lately. But there's got to be something else to it.

You are now a monkey causing shenanigans... wait, why were you doing this again? You remember there was some objective behind all these shenanigans that you're doing, but just what it was has slipped your mind.

Tear a blender in half through sheer force of will.

Oh, that's right. You're doing all this so you can become powerful enough to tear a blender in half through sheer will.

You're not sure why you would want to do that, though. Or how all these shenanigans will help.

Oh, wait, that's right. You're doing the shenanigans because you love shenanigans. You're probably planning to tear the blender in half for some shenanigan or another, too. Well, that's cleared up now.

You are now the blender. You do not want to be torn in half. What are you going to do to thwart the monkey's plan?

Tear yourself into quarters

make a delicious crushed ice-based drink that will leave the monkey with enough brainfreeze to null their latent telepathy

Turn on

Procreate

make a delicious crushed ice-based drink that will leave the monkey with enough brainfreeze to null their latent telepathy

You already did that. Unfortunately, the monkey hasn't taken a drink of it yet! And if he takes too long, it won't stay cold.

You'll need to somehow get the monkey interested in drinking your ice-cold concoction, and that's rather difficult when you're just a blender.

Turn on

You're already on! That's how you made the drink. Theoretically, you could turn on and off again, but you don't see how that would do any good.

Procreate

It suddenly occurs to you that if you reproduced, you could get your offspring to figure out how to get the monkey to take a drink. However, as far as you can tell you lack the parts for that. You're just a blender! How would you do that?

Tear yourself into quarters

There are a few problems with that. The primary one being that you're pretty sure you won't have each section of you grow into a new blender, so that wouldn't help you procreate.

Honestly, you're more concerned with the whole self-preservation thing than with how many pieces you get torn into. Besides which, you don't really have the means to disassemble yourself, you're just a blender.

You're pretty much at the mercy of fate as to whether that monkey takes a drink or not before the mixture loses its potency.

You are now Fate.

For some reason, you have to decide whether a monkey's going to take a drink in the next five minutes. This is an incredibly stupid decision, like most of the decisions you've had to make since the universe was last rewritten, and you just don't want to deal with it.

So how are you going to settle this so you can move onto the next decision, which will probably be even stupider?

> ignore. pass it on to Death. He'll kill them both.

> Consult D&D manual

Roll 99d20