Zoostuck 3

Because you failed to account for alternate meanings when you were hungry and asked that genie for some 'sick bites'.

That sounds... sort of like something that might have happened, in a more creative universe.

But here, you can't imagine ever asking for "sick bites", what would that even mean. It's not like you made the wish before the universe was remade by a total hack and ended up in the new universe with your wish still in effect, right? That wouldn't make any sense at all.

To calm the spiders wiggling and jiggling inside you.

Oh, that's right, you've got a bunch of spiders inside you. You don't even want to think about how that happened. Anyways, they told you to get them some delicious human flesh, so you're biting into this guy. Unfortunately, your beak is stuck now. At least the spiders seem satisfied.

Well, aside from the fact that you haven't stopped Jogh Edgebert like you promised them you would. You don't know why they want to stop the coolest guy in the universe, but when spiders are crawling around your insides, it doesn't make you particularly inclined to ask questions.

How exactly are you going to stop Edgebert, anyways?

You must be registered to view this content.

By tricking him into getting on a silly kid's ride

Retrieve legs.

Do a handstand on top of said legs and then get on a unicycle, just to screw with the world

murder

sticking his edge inside him, killing him. by inverting him completely.

What's a tumblr? That sounds like something too cool to be in this universe where everything is less cool than Jogh Edgebert.

murder

You can't kill him!

No, seriously, you can't. It's an inviolable law of the universe. Jogh Edgebert can't die. Trying to kill him would just get you thrown in jail again.

Come to think of it, you should probably look for a way out of here, since Edgebert probably isn't running the universe from inside a prison filled with all his enemies.

By tricking him into getting on a silly kid's ride

Yes! Perfect! This should make him uncool enough to, well, you're not sure about the rest, but the spiders seem to like it. You've got a plan now.

So all you need to do is get your beak unstuck from this guy's leg, escape from this prison, and trick Jogh Edgebert, the coolest guy in the universe, into embarrassing himself on a silly kid's ride of some kind. No problem, right?

Yeah, you have no idea how you're going to do that.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. You have sunglasses that make your abysmal Coolness stat slightly less abysmal and remind you of exactly how uncool you are. You are also entirely unaware of all the important events going on in the universe at this moment.

What exactly are you doing, anyways?

Trying how to figure out how to make your coolness stat wrap around. You heard that can happen with like... games and stuff.

Trying how to figure out how to make your coolness stat wrap around. You heard that can happen with like... games and stuff.

Maybe a pair of moonglasses might do that

Trying how to figure out how to make your coolness stat wrap around. You heard that can happen with like... games and stuff.

Oh, right, you kind of remember something like that. Something about if a computer reads a low enough value it reads a high one instead. You were messing around to see if you could be so uncool it would make you cool, but so far it hasn't worked.

Either the universe doesn't work that way or it's really, really hard to be any uncooler than you are. Too bad, it sounds a lot easier than trying to get thousands of accessories to enhance your coolness while not having them clash in a way that counteracts all your hard work.

Maybe a pair of moonglasses might do that

Oh, but hey! This list of coolness altering accessories you're browsing through doesn't mention moonglasses at all. Maybe they have a weird effect on coolness that will let you break through the lower limit and become so uncool that you're cool!

Or not. But something that doesn't even have its coolness rated is sure to be helpful. Maybe it's actually worth thousands of coolness points!

But that leaves you with another problem. Where are you going to find any moonglasses?

You are now Jogh Edgebert and you are trying to remember where in the universe you put those incredibly dangerous moonglasses with their unpredictable coolness factor. Where was it, again?

In the fake moonglasses pile.

inside the mongoose's skull

They're on your forehead.

You'll have to go TO THE MOON

In the fake moonglasses pile.

Oh. Right.

At the time, it seemed like a good idea to make it harder for potential usurpers to find them, but then you realized that any idiot who walked by the pile might stumble on the real ones by pure chance, because you didn't think to alter the laws of probability in this universe to make that impossible.

And you couldn't just take out the real moonglasses because they were surrounded by fakes.

So you had to just put the entire pile in the most secure place you could think of.

They're on your forehead.

Which, since you aren't very creative, was on the forehead of the gigantic statue of yourself that came into being when this universe did. No one is actually allowed on the grounds of the statue other than you; they're only allowed to worship it from afar.

And where did you put that statue, again?

You'll have to go TO THE MOON

Oh, right. It's on the moon, so that your glorious gaze can look down upon the uncool people on the planet below.

Well, that's settled. Those glasses are perfectly safe. In order to find them, someone would have to go to the moon, trespass on the grounds of your statue without being vaporized by your deathbot guards, and then pick out the real moonglasses from the massive pile of fakes. Nobody's ever going to do that. Even Zoosmell Pooplord isn't that stupid.

You are now John Egbert. You are very angry with Zoosmell Pooplord for existing instead of you, and even angrier with Jogh Edgebert for thwarting your plans to recreate the universe by recreating the universe before you could. You hate this universe so much that you almost wish the most perfect webcomic creator of all time hadn't used his incredible power to make you immune to Edgebert's efforts to rewrite your memories, so that at least you wouldn't realize how wonderful this universe could have been.

But the sheer beauty of the universe you still hope to create is overwhelming, and you feel blessed to have caught a glimpse of this perfection. It will all be worth it if you can take control of this universe and replace it with the one it was always meant to be. The one all universes strive to be.

In any event, you have determined that your plan to overthrow Edgebert will require a pair of moonglasses. You have determined that they are on the moon, on the forehead of Edgebert's disgusting statue of himself, in a pile of moonglasses that are mostly fakes.

It will take all of your considerable genius to devise a scheme to acquire them. What will that scheme be?

Engineer a catapult that throws humans to the moon. Very quickly though, so they don't have to worry about oxygen too much.

There's a bunch of them at Applebee's, build your base of operations there.

Fireworks.

Engineer a catapult that throws humans to the moon. Very quickly though, so they don't have to worry about oxygen too much.

There's a bunch of them at Applebee's, build your base of operations there.

Oxygen is not a factor. Edgebert is far too uncreative to imagine a universe with such complex concepts as "breathing" or "explosive decompression". Surviving in space is simple. The issues are getting into space, and propulsion once you're there.

And an ordinary Applebee's catapult does not have enough force in it to throw someone into space. You would need modifications, not to mention some means to propel your unsuspecting agents to the moon once they left the atmosphere.

But what could that be?

Fireworks.

Ah, of course. Fireworks. It should be a simple matter to enhance the catapult with them and provide the passenger a few extras to propel to the moon.

Now you merely need some incompetent dupe who you can lure into the catapult and persuade to go hunting for moonglasses, since obviously you're not foolish enough to put yourself at risk for such a dangerous endeavor.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord and you are the incompetent dupe who is inevitably going to be lured into a firework-powered catapult that will launch you towards the moon. Except you're at the bottom of the Marianas Trench and your doppelganger is somewhere on the earth's surface. So what contrived process is going to get you to the catapult at Applebee's?

You must be registered to view this content.

A trebuchet

Farts.

A trebuchet

test a trebuchet, one that will get you out of this damn trench.

But you'll need to lure one of these bottomfeeders into trying it out...

You quickly forget whatever you were thinking about and look for a weird deep sea fish, because of that whole short attention span thing. You soon find a really weird one. It looks like a four-armed three-legged lizard person.

Oh, wait. That's not a fish, it's a four-armed three-legged lizard person. Well, this has been a disappointment.

And what's that smell?

Farts.

Oh. It's the four-armed three-legged lizard person. Ew. You were pretty sure they cured that problem somehow, even though you don't remember ever seeing a four-armed three-legged lizard person before in your life.

You are now a four-armed three-legged lizard person and somehow you are not on your species' planet-ship. Instead you are under the sea on some boring planet where a local is holding his nose, just like all the other locals you've encountered.

This is very inconvenient. How is he going to hear you ask for directions to the planet-ship if he keeps holding his nose like that? It's quite rude, too. It's not as if your unfortunate flatulence is particularly loud under the water!

What are you going to do about this?

You must be registered to view this content.