GreyGabe' WebQue t [Texting, Texting, 123]

>Lay a trail of slippery grease from every point of entry of the house into the basement.

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That would be as hilarious as it would be dangerous! Which is to say, very! I don't know how well a forum adventure could cross with a GB, though. Hmm...

Don't worry, at this rate, this adventure will get into the award night anyway :P

Foist that fruit basket off on some idiot immediately.

Eat everything but the pineapple. Do NOT trust that fucking pineapple.

>Set up a Shenanigan Rex trap! Bait it with an unsuspecting sucker (other than you).

Maaaaan, Shenanigan is freaking King of the Pranksters, he’ll see that coming a mile a way… unless he knows that you know that he’ll see it coming, and decides not to worry about it… but maybe he’ll figure on you knowing that he knows and count on you to set a trap, just so he can cause it to backfire on you hilariously… Eh, whatever. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? You’ll just need to find a good sucker… But who…

Eat everything but the pineapple. Do NOT trust that fucking pineapple.

Well, while you’re thinking, might as well have a snack. You eye the Pineapple warily. You don’t think you’ll eat that. You remember Shenanigan had a thing with pineapples. The rest is probably fine… he’d want to lull you into a false sense of security before his trap sprung, for maximum comic effect.

You munch some Bananas, nosh on some Kiwi Fruit, and prepare to bite into the You-Don’t-Know-What-It-Is when you suddenly realize how dumb it would be to actually attempt to ingest a Something-That-You-Don’t-Know-What-It-Is. You examine it closely. It’s big, bigger than an orange, say, but smaller than a cantaloupe. You mentioned the color, earlier, and its outside is pretty hard. You give it a tap.

*click* *click*

Hmm. You think you’ll just hold onto this for now. You drop it into your Gallifreyan Satchel.
But there is no way in hell that you’re eating that Pineapple though. But what to do with it…?

Foist that fruit basket off on some idiot immediately.

Ah, yes… your plan is coming together now…
You don’t think there are any actual idiots in Eagle Town, but you’re easily clever enough to trick some unsuspecting mark into taking a free Fruit Basket… uh, a Basket With A Single Piece Of Fruit In It, anyway. You quickly grab a pen and paper and scribble the following.

Do you like pineapples? Of course you do. Pineapples are goddamn delicious. In ancient Greece, Spartan warriors used to slather themselves in pineapple juice before going to battle, because they believed armor was for sissies, and they liked how pineapple smelled. They also slathered themselves in pineapple juice before their gay orgies, but that’s neither here nor there.

Is any of that actually true? Hell, I don’t know. I was too busy staring down this delicious, fresh pineapple to bother looking any of it up. Are you craving some pineapple right now? I bet you are. I wrote 'pineapple' enough times. Anyway, you want some of this delicious fucking pineapple, you come on over to my house. I will hook you up. With this pineapple. Better hurry though. I’m feeling generous now, but I’m getting hungry just sitting here, smelling its pineappley smell. In conclusion, you, a free pineapple, whatever cutlery you need. My house. Be there or be square.

--Gabe

There. That’s not suspicious or creepy at all. You jog over to General Square and tack it up where everyone can see it before returning home.

You’re not even back for five minutes when you hear a knocking at the door. You quickly rush over and open it.

-“Oh! Hi, Schazer.”
“Gabe. I heard there is free pineapple on offer?”
-“…Yes. Right this way!”

Okay not the kind of bait for your trap you had in mind. But you can work with this. And hopefully not get smashed with a Modmin’s Hammer Of Banishment before your day is up…

“Well here is the pineapple! You can keep the basket too I guess.” You pass Schazer the Pineapple and a knife. She sets to peeling it. But you have something else you need to take care of.

>Lay a trail of slippery grease from every point of entry of the house into the basement.

“Where did you get a fruit basket, anyway?”

-“It was in my house when I got back!”

“Just… here?”

-“Yep. I figure it is from one of my many, many adoring fans, that are totally real and not at all a wishful figment of my imagination.”

“Uh-huh. What are you doing?”

-“Oh, don’t mind me. My, uh… floor is sticky? Yeah, that’s it. My floor’s sticky. So I’m lubricating it. With this grease.”

“Okay...?”

...

-“Hey, would you mind moving so that your back is facing this closet?”

“Why?”

-“Uh… it’s a feng shui thing. When seated, my guests have to be oriented to face the east.”

“I would be facing west if I moved over there.”

-“That’s what I said, west.”

“I’m pretty sure you said east.”

-“I think I know what I said, Schazer.”

“Okay, fine.”

You continue pouring grease trails from every entryway or possible hiding place in the house leading into the basement.
Once you finish, you head back to the kitchen area and carefully sit with your back to a solid wall.

-“How’s the pineapple?”

“Not bad.”

You sit in awkward silence for a while.

-“Sure is nice to sit around, completely vulnerable and unsuspecting, completely confident in your ability to avoid being pranked or otherwise hoodwinked, wouldn’t you say?”

Schazer just looks at you strangely. You clear your throat and look up at the ceiling. More awkward silence ensues.
Suddenly, you hear the front door burst open followed by a short scream, and the thumping of someone falling down all of those stairs.

You carefully rush over to the basement door, followed closely by Schazer.

-“Ha! I caught you, you mischievous dinosaur!”

“Owww…”

Wait that doesn’t sound like Shenanigan.

-“MrGuy?”

“Pine… apple…”

Whoops.

“Hello, human. I hope you like being slowly eaten from the inside out~”

Oh jeeze this thing again.

-“Hey! No! No eating guests!”

“Butt out! I get cranky if I don’t eat regularly!”

-“Hey! I will… make Schazer go down there and she will give you such a thrashing! Such. A. Thrashing.”

The thing in your basement grumbles something under its breath. Suddenly, MrGuy flies up the stairs, knocking you over backwards.

Schazer leans over you, glaring disapprovingly.

“Tricking your fellow forumites into being prankster bait. That’s low, Gabe. That’s low.”

She spins on her heel and leaves.

“And I’m keeping the basket!” She yells over her shoulder.

Well, that could have gone better.

Oh, hey, you got a response to your letter to Nopor Puss!

What you should do is get some specialty armor made. I recommend having very sharp metal spikes put on the inside. And make it out of cardboard so it doesn't protect from much of anything.

You're not entirely sure why but that doesn't seem like terribly sound advice to you. But (and this might be a massive concussion talking, but hear yourself out) he is the expert. Should you follow his advice?

SpoilerShow

I hope it doesn’t turn out that Schazer and/or MrGuy hates/is allergic to pineapple or something. That would make me feel very silly. Well… sillier, anyway.

Of course you shouldn't. He took the time to write a response, if anything, he should be GRATIFIED if you chose not to follow his advice! It would make the response entirely pointless.

...And besides. You kinda used up all your cardboard already.

Of course you shouldn't. He took the time to write a response, if anything, he should be GRATIFIED if you chose not to follow his advice! It would make the response entirely pointless.

...And besides. You kinda used up all your cardboard already.

>Of course! Find Boxborg and WEAR HIM! You know, if he wasn't long gone already. Rats.

>In that case, head back out - it's time to SCROUNGE SOME CARDBOARD (and maybe some spikes).

Of course you shouldn't. He took the time to write a response, if anything, he should be GRATIFIED if you chose not to follow his advice! It would make the response entirely pointless.

...And besides. You kinda used up all your cardboard already.

There is that. Nopor Puss does appreciate it when his efforts are completely pointless, rather than just mostly pointless. But wouldn’t it be even more pointless if you followed his advice halfway, by actually making the armor, and then just abandon it somewhere? That way, he’s wasting his time, and your own! That’s, like, pointlessness by proxy!

Yeah, I’m not entirely sure why you would want that, either.

>In that case, head back out - it's time to SCROUNGE SOME CARDBOARD (and maybe some spikes).

Okay! Uh… where should you go look for cardboard? Or spikes? You extricate yourself from MrGuy, leaving him unconscious on the floor. He should be fine, right? Anyway…

You head out, looking around pensively. Hmm… Aha! Inspiration strikes.

You run toward Cool Shit Alley. You head towards the oldest adventures, a few of which are boarded up and closed. After prying away some of the cheap plywood, a careful, precise application of Your Mitts causes a window to crash inward, and after that it’s fairly easy to enter. You snoop around, and after a few different buildings, hit paydirt. It’s a well known fact that different adventures have different styles, and you’ve finally managed to find one that looks like an actual theater, with a stage and props and everything. Props which have been packed… into cardboard boxes! With exacting care and a gentle touch, you scatter the props all hell to breakfast, emptying and then flattening out the Cardboard Boxes, to stow them away into your Gallifreyan Satchel. You leave the props, in case anybody decides to revive these grand old shows. A few more acts of vandalism, followed by breaking and entering, and you have all of the cardboard you need to make some fine armor. Some damn fine useless armor.
All this work seems to have strengthened you up a bit.

You’d better find some spikes pretty quick, though, because your Gallifreyan Satchel doesn’t have an infinite capacity. All that cardboard fits, but things are beginning to get a bit cramped in there. Hmm… spikes spikes spikes…

Where the hell are you going to find spikes? Well, worry about that later. You head home, and quicky assemble your cardboard into a suit of armor, using up some more of your Duct Tape. You examine your Worthless Cardboard Armor with a very small measure of pride. It actually looks like you could wear it without it falling apart within minutes. It would be far from comfortable though, and it still needs some spikes (or some sort of spike substitute) before it’s done and you can abandon it by a dumpster somewhere.

Or you could abandon this whole project and go do something else. That would render this all pretty pointless too.

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 40/500
HP: 33/50 (Shaken And Stirred)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 17/20 (Mostly Sane)
CP: 35/100 (Annoyingly Chipper)
Strongliness: Average (1)
Stalwartness: Passable (3)
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (1)
Charm: Poor (1)
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 4

Status Effects:
Grass Green Hair: Increases affinity with plants.

>Maybe there's a spike trap in your basement! You should totally go down there in the armor and look for some spikes.

>Play around with your console, and see if you can spawn any spikes somehow.

>Pointlessly abandoning already-pointless projects on the pointless advice of the master of pointlessness would be pretty pointless. Buuut since you're doing this to be pointless, then being pointless would have a point: pointlessness. So maybe the most pointless thing you could do is complete the project entirely and then set fire to it or something before ever wearing it.

Or is that meta-pointlessness? Is having a goal the same as having a point?

Just... Get some freaking coffee and pretend that's somehow playing into Nopor Puss's plans.

SpoilerShow

This adventure is Most Amusing and I am very glad to have decided to read it.

>Maybe there's a spike trap in your basement! You should totally go down there in the armor and look for some spikes.

Hmm… maybe. You guess you’ll check.
You pull on the armor and clunk your way downstairs.
It’s really dark down here!

“Hey!”

“That wouldn’t protect you if I really wanted to eat you, you know.”

“Yeah, I know. The massive amounts of poison I ingested five minutes ago should help in that regard. Anyway, are there any spike traps down here?”

“What? Spike traps?” The creature seems genuinely confused, “Why would there be any spike traps down here? I mean, if you wanted to have one installed, I know a guy who knows a guy… we could put it right at the foot of the stairs, and--”

“Nevermind. See ya later.”

“Wait! Did you really eat poison before coming down here?” You sense the creature drawing closer.

“Of course not! What do I look like, an idi—“ You glance down at your cardboard clad physique. “Actually, don’t answer that. However! I did bring this.”

You turn on the flashlight that you found upstairs. A beam of light shines forth, pushing back the darkness. The creature hisses and draws back. You begin to move up the stairs, flashlight pointed behind you.

“Heh, you have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me.”

“I never sleep.”

Almost as he says this, the flashlight flickers and dies. Oh damn.
You beat feet up the stairs as fast as you can, claws skittering somewhere behind you. You reach the top and slam the door closed as something thumps against it, hard. Maaaaaaybe you should just stay out of there for a while.

>Pointlessly abandoning already-pointless projects on the pointless advice of the master of pointlessness would be pretty pointless. Buuut since you're doing this to be pointless, then being pointless would have a point: pointlessness. So maybe the most pointless thing you could do is complete the project entirely and then set fire to it or something before ever wearing it.

Or is that meta-pointlessness? Is having a goal the same as having a point?

Just... Get some freaking coffee and pretend that's somehow playing into Nopor Puss's plans.

Oh jeeze now you’ve given yourself a headache. You walk into the kitchen and start a pot. When it’s finished, you pour in the creamer and read your fortune.

(Outlook obscured. Try again later.
Lucky Item: Spellbook)

“Did you see that, Zach? That’s never happened to me before. The coffee has always given me results! Hmm… I wonder what it could mean… Wait. Who am I talking to?”

You down the coffee. Delicious! You gain a wisdomosity point and some caffeine points from the fortune and the coffee, respectively.

>Play around with your console, and see if you can spawn any spikes somehow.

Okay… you'll take a look, but the Console mostly has three functions. It lets you start new buildings, which you’ve already done. It lets you transport yourself to any other console that belongs to you (currently you only have one other, in MSPA City). And it serves as a checkpoint of sorts if you happen to die horribly somewhere. You’ll revive, intact, at the last console you interacted with. You fiddle with it a bit, but the “Spawn Spike” command must be a really well hidden function. Hmm…

Stats:

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GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 42/500
HP: 35/50 (Shaken)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 18/20 (Mostly Sane)
CP: 40/100 (Kind of Chatty)
Strongliness: Average (1)
Stalwartness: Passable (3)
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (2)
Charm: Poor (1)
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 4

Status Effects:
Grass Green Hair: Increases affinity with plants.

SpoilerShow

This adventure is Most Amusing and I am very glad to have decided to read it.

>The solution is obvious! Create a new thread with spikes in it and take them from there.

> Take the spikes from the pineapple, creating MIGHTY FRUIT ARMOR.

>Root around in your fridge and find some PIKE. If you can find a pair of ESSES somewhere, you're set!

>The solution is obvious! Create a new thread with spikes in it and take them from there.

…Seems like a lot of work to go to to get some spikes for some armor that you’re probably going to burn and/or eat. Your plate is pretty full to try for another adventure as it is, anyway, and you don’t know how you would implement deadly spikes elsewhere.

> Take the spikes from the pineapple, creating MIGHTY FRUIT ARMOR.

That’s silly, but at least has the added benefit of appealing to your inherent laziness in that you don’t have to go anywhere or do anything to get them. Thankfully, Schazer left behind the spiny outards of the pineapple when she left. You section them off into individual spikes and carefully tape them onto the inside of the armor. You test it out.
It’s uncomfortable, but you think it’s really supposed to be more… excruciating? Yeah, that’s what you’re going for.
Your Worthless Cardboard Armor is now Stupid Uncomfortable Cardboard Armor.

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You have pike in the fridge? …You have Pike in the fridge. You didn’t even know you could get that here. Now, esses, esses, where will you get some esses… Oooooh, inspiration!

Theeeeere we go. You doubt anyone will notice that. Almost certainly. You now have A Pair of Esses. Now, just a little Duct Tape and some good ol’ Eagle Timean ingenuity… There we go!
You now have your very own set of sPikes (unfortunately the only Esses you could find were lower case). The fact that that worked strikes you as being rather… fishy. Oh gog that was painful. You should be… pun-ished. Zing! Oh gaaaah that didn’t feel too good either. You should stop making puns before you really hurt yourself. Okay, a little more Duct Tape, some harsh words, and your Completely Moronic Spiked Cardboard Armor of Excruciating Uselessness is complete. It looks pretty good, if you do say so yourself. Which you don’t, but you know… if.
Of course, now you have no idea what to do with it, but hey.
Oh, and look! MrGuy is gone. He must have wandered off at some point. You hope he wasn’t hurt too badly. Eh, he’ll probably walk it off. Now! What to do with this armor?

Stats:

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GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 42/500
HP: 33/50 (Shaken)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 16/20 (Mostly Sane)
CP: 40/100 (Kind of Chatty)
Strongliness: Average (1)
Stalwartness: Passable (3)
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (2)
Charm: Poor (1)
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 4

Status Effects:
Grass Green Hair: Increases affinity with plants.

>Find some unsuspecting sap to sell the armor to.

>To save space, see if you can compress the armor into an image file somehow.

If btp is still in a ren fair haze, you could probably sell him anything.

If btp is still in a ren fair haze, you could probably sell him anything.

This thing isn’t even up to elementary school science fair standards, much less ren faire standards! You think you’ve humiliated yourself in front of quite enough of your fellow forumites so far today. Although that hasn’t stopped you yet… you'll keep an eye out for him.

>To save space, see if you can compress the armor into an image file somehow.

‘Kay.



Well, it’s flatter now, but you don’t know how you’re going to get it back out of there.

>Find some unsuspecting sap to sell the armor to.

You drag the image down to general square. “Armor here! Get yer armor here! Very nearly intact, never been worn! Guaranteed to protect you from such dangers as rampaging butterflies, light rains, and bird droppings! Armor here! Get yer armor here!”

Surprisingly nobody seems to want your Completely Moronic Spiked Cardboard Armor of Excruciating Uselessness. You can’t imagine why that might be. Not even btp. Sigh. Wait! An idea strikes you! You drag your CMSCAoEU to Cool Shit Alley.
You approach the Adventure Theater labeled “Hiphop Squirrel Epidemic: Chinese Cardboard Revolution.” Entering, you find that you’re not the only one who thought of this. You promptly drop off the armor. Brilliant. Now, it can be completely useless for someone else!

You're not entirely sure how you just did that. You finish your taco as you figure out what to do next.

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 62/500
HP: 37/50 (Shaken)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 17/20 (Mostly Sane)
CP: 39/100 (Kind of Chatty)
Strongliness: Average (1)
Stalwartness: Passable (3)
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (3)
Charm: Poor (1)
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 4

Status Effects:
Grass Green Hair: Increases affinity with plants.

Go home and read a book, foo'. It's good fo' yo' mind.

See what else you can compress into image files.

Alternatively, see if you can perfect technology to extract things from image files.

>Look for something to drink. That taco's probably left you thirsty.

See what else you can compress into image files.

Alternatively, see if you can perfect technology to extract things from image files.

And then find some way to convert those image files into CAPTCHA codes.

Find a hobby!