GreyGabe' WebQue t [Texting, Texting, 123]

You are now GreyGabe, or just Gabe for short.
You are currently standing in your small house in the city of Eagle Town. It’s a fairly new settlement, and still fairly small. The air is fresh, the locals are friendly, and the laws fair but not restrictive. All in all, a pretty nice place. But you have to admit it… you’re itching for adventure.
So! That’s what you’ll do. You’ll go on an adventure. Unfortunately, your intentions in this regard were sensed in advance by whatever mercurial forces control this universe, so most of your adventuring equipment and skills have been stolen! Oh well. Starting from scratch isn’t so bad. You were at least left a few Internets to buy new stuff with. And you have some basic starting equipment.
You had better gear up before venturing outside of town, though. The world of Interwebs is a dangerous place for the unprepared… the land of Foratopia alone is filled with wandering Spambots, Trolls and Flamers, among other things. Fortunately the Modmin Guard protects the town from that sort of thing.

You are currently in Your House. In here are your Personal Chest, your Shopping Cart, your Fridge, your Console, and A Plethora of Cardboard Boxes.

Did you not mention that before? You just want to assure yourself that you aren’t going on an adventure just to avoid having to unpack your Plethora of Cardboard Boxes. That is so not the case, you have no idea.

To the South your Front Door leads out into Eagle Town proper. To the West is the Basement Door.
Your status is currently Pretty Good. You are currently wearing a T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, and your Amulet of Browsing. You are currently armed with Your Mitts. You are also carrying a Gallifreyan Satchel, which serves as your inventory.
You’d really like to get your hands on a Hammerspace of some sort, but even a small one is really expensive.

You’ll need to use your Shopping Cart to begin shopping for gear. You probably have enough Internets to afford some decent equipment. Still, you might find some stuff rummaging around your house, too. Hard to say. But ugh… so many boxes. It would take forever to Examine all of them.

Current Stats:

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP (eXperience Points): 23/500
HP (Health Points): 50/50 (Fit as a Fiddle)
MP (Mysticality Points): 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP (Sanity Points): 19/20 (Pretty Much Sane)
CP (Caffeine Points): 17/100 (Ambulatory)
Strongliness: Average
Stalwartness: Passable
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average
Charm: Poor
Luck: Average

Internets: 12
Cookies: 3
(Internets and Cookies are the currency of Interwebs. There are 25 Cookies to an Internet.)

SpoilerShow

This is a really silly idea! But I am freaking all about silly!

>Turn Boxes into robot

>Examine contents of Personal Chest, then investigate the basement.

Remove Mitts from arms. (They're for hands, silly!)

Equip Mitts in Hand-slot.

Roll two dice, then multiply the results together. Let this number be x. Examine box #x.

> Ride shopping cart down staircase. Equip safety-mitts.

> No wait shit other way around.

Remove Mitts from arms. (They're for hands, silly!)

Equip Mitts in Hand-slot.

You wriggle your elbows out of Your Mitts. No more pretending to be some sort of deformed bird for you, you guess. Still, your elbows were getting a little cramped. You re-equip Your Mitts to your hands, meaning you can punch things better now. And pick up things that would be too hot or too cold otherwise! Win-win.

You are now handed with Your Mitts.

>Turn Boxes into robot

You attempt to build some sort of crude cardboard-based automaton using your Plethora of Cardboard Boxes and a roll of Duct Tape. The end product is awkward and bulky, and also just a bunch of cardboard boxes you taped together. You lack the mysticality or the technical prowess to imbue it with any sort of motive power! You go ahead and command it to unpack itself anyway. Nothing happens. Oh well, worth a shot. Unsurprsingly, this all accomplished nothing more than making the Plethora of Cardboard Boxes even harder to get into.

Pretty entertaining, though!

Roll two dice, then multiply the results together. Let this number be x. Examine box #x.

Rifling through your Gallifreyan Satchel, you somehow manage to come up with a Pair of Dice. You give them a quick roll… you get 3 and 2. The box that you arbitrarily designated as #6 is… currently part of a robot’s arm. Not having any sharp implements on hand, you gnaw through the tape with your teeth. Opening the box you find…

Oh hey! This is where you put your Spellbook. You only know like, three spells, but still. There’s also a few Summon Cards in here. They let you summon things without the need for much mystical prowess. Your summons now include Cyz, Captain Planet, and Francis York Morgan. Okay, you know where you got the first one, but where did the other two… eh, doesn’t matter.

>Examine contents of Personal Chest, then investigate the basement.

> Ride shopping cart down staircase. Equip safety-mitts.

> No wait shit other way around.

You crack open your Personal Chest, where you store pretty much whatever. You can deposit items into it from anywhere in the world, and other people can send you stuff too! It can get a bit cluttered if you don’t clean it out once in a while, but this one’s fairly new, so there’s not much in it. You do find a Less Than Three, a Cute Picture of a Kitty, and a couple of Cookies though!

Less Than Threes can be used to heal yourself if you’re injured. You’re not sure about the science behind it, but apparently some people produce them naturally. You’re not one of those. You can’t even pronounce it right. No matter what you do, you can only say "Less Than Three". Complete with bold typeface. Oh well. They’re fairly plentiful, so you never have too much trouble getting a hold of one. If all else fails you can always run around showing people pictures of cats doing endearing things. Which is where the Cute Picture of a Kitty comes in, of course. They can also restore lost sanity. For some reason they disappear after one use, though, which is kind of weird. You drop all your loot into your Gallifreyan Satchel.

You then head Turnwise to the Basement Door. With some misgivings, you pop it open, grab a hold of your Shopping Cart, get a head of steam going, and hop in just before you hit the stairs. An instant before you go over you suddenly are struck with the desire to equip safety gear of some kind.

Crap.

When you disentangle yourself from the wreckage of your Somewhat Abused Shopping Cart, bruised and battered but otherwise whole, you find yourself in the basement.
It is pitch dark. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue. Widdershins of your current location are the Stairs Up. You hold onto your Somewhat Abused Shopping Cart so you won’t lose it.

>Shout to draw the attention of any horrible monsters lurking in your basement. If there are any, that's the sort of thing you want to know sooner rather than later.

> Obligatory licking the darkness command

> Raise your arms while walking in circles and shouting profanities, this will resolve all your problems, no doubts about it.

Tell the monsters you don't want what they're selling. The role-reversal will confuse them and distract them from their grouchiness at having their lair intruded-upon.

Go upstairs and into the kitchen. Make yourself a cup of coffee, pour some cream in, and consult the back of your YORK CARD for tips on divination.

Take a handful of darkness and pop it in a jar.

>Shout to draw the attention of any horrible monsters lurking in your basement. If there are any, that's the sort of thing you want to know sooner rather than later.

“HEY.” You shout, “ARE THERE ANY MONSTERS DOWN HERE? IF SO YOU HAD BETTER ANSWER ME!”

“Yeeeessssss. I hear yoooooou.”

Mystery solved!

> Obligatory licking the darkness command

> Raise your arms while walking in circles and shouting profanities, this will resolve all your problems, no doubts about it.

Take a handful of darkness and pop it in a jar.

You stick out your tongue and lick the Darkness. Tastes kinda like how fabric softener smells.

You can’t find any jars in your Gallifreyan Satchel, but you do find an Empty Energy Drink Can that you can repurpose. You shovel a bunch of Darkness into it. You now have a Can O’ Darkness.

You then throw your arms up, take a deep breath, and begin a train of swears the likes of which you have not uttered in at least ten minutes.

“SON OF A [bleep]ING [bleep] FONDLING [bleep] MONGER. I SWEAR TO [bleep]ING JEGUS THAT IF YOU DON’T [bleep] OFF AND GET THE [bleep]ING [bleep] OUT OF HERE, I WILL [bleep] YOU SO HARD THAT YOUR [bleep] [bleep]ING [bleep] OF A MOTHER WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU [bleep]ING YOUR WAY DOWN THE [bleep]ING STREET. FURTHERMORE, YOU [bleep] [bleep]ING [bleep] [bleep]…”

You continue on in this vein for a while. A few miles away, a group of sailors enjoying themselves on shore leave suddenly find themselves blushing uncontrollably. Even further off, an entire convent-full of nuns faints for no discernable reason.

“That was hurtful.”

Well, that didn’t accomplish much, but you feel better.

“Anyway, are you done? I’d like to suck your bones and organs out through your ears and then wear your empty skin like footie pajamas.”

Well, you never.

Tell the monsters you don't want what they're selling. The role-reversal will confuse them and distract them from their grouchiness at having their lair intruded-upon.

“You know what, guy! I don’t want what you’re selling.”

“Well, most people don’t, but--”

“Don't you know that I'm on the national Do Not Haunt list?”

“What? I don’t…”

“What’s your name and extension number? Your supervisor is going to be getting a call from me, I can tell you that.”

“This isn’t…”

“And you just better hope I can be placated with a twelve-month calendar and one of those little solar powered calculators because otherwise I’m going to make sure that you not only lose your job, but you’ll never be able to get a referral ever again.”

“Please stop, I…”

“That’s it. I’ve had it. Good day, sir!”

“But--”

“GOOD DAY.”

You storm up the stairs, pausing only to snag your Somewhat Abused Shopping Cart.

You can’t believe that worked.

You are back in the main area of Your House. To the west is the Basement Door. To the south, the Front Door leads out into Eagle Town proper. You already knew that, though, so you’re not sure why the narrator is repeating it.

Go upstairs and into the kitchen. Make yourself a cup of coffee, pour some cream in, and consult the back of your YORK CARD for tips on divination.

You head to the kitchen area. You pop some coffee in the maker, and consult the back of your York Summon Card whilst it’s brewing. The instructions are fairly straight forward. Use good coffee (you must be very particular about your coffee). Pour in just the right amount of cream, give it a stir, and after staring deep into its mysterious depths and breathing deep of its rich aroma for a couple of seconds, take a sip while bending your will towards knowing the future. Let things flow naturally from there.

Sounds easy enough.

You follow the card’s directions, and feel the knowledge flow over you.

(Let a smiley be your umbrella!
Lucky Number: 5)

Neat!
You gain a Wisdomosity point!
Your CP gets a boost, too.

Current Stats:

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 25/500
HP: 50/50 (Fit as a Fiddle)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 19/20 (Pretty Much Sane)
CP: 22/100 (Reasonably Attentive)
Strongliness: Average
Stalwartness: Passable
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (1)
Charm: Poor
Luck: Average

Internets: 12
Cookies: 5

>Maybe you can find some help in town. Make yourself some brunch and head out south.

Submit a Application for Reauditing your Character Stats. Surely you should've been apportioned additional luck for your close escape from the basement-monsters?

Hop in cart and ride it into Eagle Town.

Submit a Application for Reauditing your Character Stats. Surely you should've been apportioned additional luck for your close escape from the basement-monsters?

Hey yeah! That did seem pretty lucky. You don’t know who to petition about this kind of thing, so you just kind of remark on it out loud.
The lazy and inattentive god that governs your fate gives the cosmic equivalent of a shrug, and says something to the effect of, “Yeah sure whatevs.”

Your Luck increases! Sweet.

Since you’ve got his attention, maybe he could go ahead and give you a few more points, just a—
He tells you to go do something that is both crude and, to your knowledge, anatomically impossible. So you guess no free stat points for you.

>Maybe you can find some help in town. Make yourself some brunch and head out south.

Hop in cart and ride it into Eagle Town.

Nibbling on some toast, you open your Front Door, get some momentum going, and hop in your cart, somehow managing to pull your door closed as you pass through. The front steps are a bit bumpy, and the walk isn’t the most even surface in the world, but it’s that little white-picket fence that really gets in your way. Picking yourself up off your lawn, you can’t help but notice you’ve gotten a couple of funny glances due to your mode of egress. Or maybe they’re just scopin’ your sweet ride.

Is that how the kids put it these days? Or do they prefer “checkin’ your tight wheels”? Whatever.

You pick up your Increasingly Battered Shopping Cart.

You step out of your yard and onto the street.
You are now standing in Eagle Town: User Street. Upstage of your location, Your House is sitting right where you left it. Downstage, you see General Square, where there is much socialization and shopping to be had. Stage left, you see the entrance to Cool Shit Alley, where there’s a number of game houses and adventure theaters. And finally, at stage right, you see Eagle Town’s Administration Buildings.
So… where to?

Stats, yo:

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 25/500
HP: 49/50 (Fit as a Fiddle)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 19/20 (Pretty Much Sane)
CP: 22/100 (Reasonably Attentive)
Strongliness: Average
Stalwartness: Passable
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (1)
Charm: Poor
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 5

>Head over to General Square and get yourself a General.

Your shopping cart could use fixing.

Go find Fogel.

Prepare to raise your shopping cart as a defensive barrier, then call Fogel "Dragon".

Use force of impact to transfer batter from Increasingly Battered Shopping Cart to fish.

Acquire 1x Battered Fish, and ride away in style in your Increasingly Shopping Cart.

> Select another user's house at random, enter it without warning, and begin breaking any ceramic jars they may have.

> Or, if you don't want to play /that/ game, head to the General Square and see if anyone's selling some Cart Repairant.

> Or, if you're in the mood for puns that have amused me, do Schazer's suggestion.

>Visit Cool Shit Alley and see if you can salvage anything discarded from the adventure theaters/game houses. No sense in spending unnecessary internets if you can find something free and serviceable...ish!

Jump into Cool Shit Alley instead of walking, because it's more fun. Trip over something.

> Select another user's house at random, enter it without warning, and begin breaking any ceramic jars they may have.

You unceremoniously barge into a random house, a tastefully decorated affair with elegant furniture and an overall airy feel. The warm colors and soft tones really bring the place… um. I mean. Grr. Manly. Monster trucks machine guns sports grr.

*cough*

Anyway, you don’t see any ceramic jars, per se, but there are some Pretty Nice Vases arranged neatly on a low table. You pick them up and smash ‘em good... Darn. No Rupees. Or Internets or Cookies for that matter. A voice from a back room startles you.

“What the hell was that?”
You beat feet for the exit.

>Head over to General Square and get yourself a General.

You decide you should probably not stick around, so you head for Eagle Town: General Square. You peer around. The General Store stands in the center of the square. Various cafes and hangouts line the streets. Music drifts from the open door of one of them, and from another the sound of tables being flipped over and over again interrupts the flow of things every once in a while. You see quite a few forumites flitting between the various buildings, conversing and nodding appreciatively at the music. You look around for any Generals that you might be able to press into service, but the closest facsimiles you can think of are Pinary and Schazer of the Modmin Guard, and you don’t think they’d appreciate being picked up and stuffed into your Gallifreyan Satchel. And you wouldn’t appreciate being hit by one of their Modmin’s Hammers of Banishment. Not fun.

Your shopping cart could use fixing.

Go find Fogel.

Prepare to raise your shopping cart as a defensive barrier, then call Fogel "Dragon".

Use force of impact to transfer batter from Increasingly Battered Shopping Cart to fish.

Acquire 1x Battered Fish, and ride away in style in your Increasingly Shopping Cart.

This sounds marginally less likely to result in serious injury. Very marginally.

Aha! You spot your quarry. He’s hard to miss, being bright yellow and all. Not to mention the cowl.

“Hey, Dragon!” You yell, smoothly placing your Increasingly Battered Shopping Cart between yourself and Dragon Fogel.

“Uh… hey, Gabe.” Dragon Fogel clears his throat pointedly. You ignore this, equally pointedly.

“So, how are you doing today… Dragon?”

Dragon Fogel’s eye gains a slight twitch. “Well, I was doing just fine.” You seem to have his full attention.

“That’s cool, that’s cool…”

“…”

“So Dragon, whatcha up to--”

“DON’T. CALL. ME. DRAGOOOOOOOOOON!”

You duck behind your Increasingly Battered Shopping Cart as you are buffeted by a wave of pure vitriol.
Thinking quickly, you produce a Plain Catfish Filet that you have been saving for just such an occasion(?).
The energy of the blast transfers an adjective from one object to another. You now have a Battered Catfish Filet and an Increasingly Shopping Cart.

This makes little to no sense, but you’re currently more focused on escaping Dragon Fogel’s wrath. You hop in your Increasingly Shopping Cart and ride away, cackling like a madman. You carefully deposit your Battered Catfish Filet back into its plastic baggy, to keep its coating from getting all over your other stuff. All that’s left to do is to pop that bad boy in a fryer and you’ve got yourself a good old-fashioned Southern tradition, I reckon.

You can feel your Increasingly Shopping Cart becoming more substantial, even as you coast along. You are now back at Eagle Town: User Street. Someone is standing in front of their house, looking around suspiciously.

It’s Mr. Guy! It looks like he’s flagging you down. You let your ride coast to a stop.

“Uh, hey. What’s up?”

Mr. Guy holds up a Handful of Broken Vase Shards.
“Somebody broke into my house and busted up my vases!” He exclaims. Uh-oh. “Who would do something like that?”

“I have no idea. None whatsoever.” It takes every ounce of your will to look him in his wildly spinning eye when you say that.

“…Uh huh. Well. If you hear anything, let me know, would you?”

“Will do!” Oh gog oh gog oh gog oh gog he knows.

You wheel along towards Cool Shit Alley, Mr. Guy’s suspicious gaze boring into the back of your skull. You know. When his eyes are pointing in your direction.

You gain a Charm point for your "smooth" lying, though!

>Visit Cool Shit Alley and see if you can salvage anything discarded from the adventure theaters/game houses. No sense in spending unnecessary internets if you can find something free and serviceable...ish!

Jump into Cool Shit Alley instead of walking, because it's more fun. Trip over something.

You hop out of your Increasingly Shopping Cart and jump over the threshold into Cool Shit Alley.

You immediately trip over something. Face, meet pavement. Pavement, face. Picking yourself up, you examine the object that got underfoot. It’s a… box? On the front it says, “Don’t Open. No Seriously, Don’t. This Means You.” How odd.

You put the Odd Box into your Gallifreyan Satchel for now, and go back to looking around Eagle Town: Cool Shit Alley.

Various Adventure Theaters and Game Rooms line the street, flooding the morning with talking, laughter… explosions… Farther down, it looks like there are some abandoned adventures and games, left to gather dust. Seeing them languishing like that always makes you a little sad.

You’re not sure how much you’ll be able to salvage from these adventures or games… it would have to be something that was pretty much irrevocably lost within the framework of the game/narrative to become available to you. And even then you’d pretty much have to know what you were looking for in the first place.
Ahead of you, Cool Shit Alley stretches on for quite a while, the Game Houses and Adventure Theaters looming on either side. Behind you lies User Street. You are hemmed in on your left and right by various adventures and games.

Status:

SpoilerShow

GreyGabe
Level 5 Forumite
XP: 27/500
HP: 47/50 (Fit as a Fiddle)
MP: 20/20 (Mystically Delicious)
SP: 19/20 (Pretty Much Sane)
CP: 21/100 (Reasonably Attentive)
Strongliness: Average
Stalwartness: Passable
Swiftness: Decent
Wisdomosity: Average (1)
Charm: Poor (1)
Luck: Average (1)

Internets: 12
Cookies: 5

SpoilerShow

I guess this one won't make much sense if/when certain people change their avatars. Oh well. Suck it, posterity.

>Open the box, obviously!

>Barge into the Adventure House labeled "GreyGabe's WebQuest [Textalicious]"