The Solaris Files: Dominican Republic

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Made with Solaris' permission.

These are the facts as the government would have you believe them.

1. Solaris visited the Dominican Republic, and just got back.
2. He was there to see his family.

Now, granted, these alleged "facts" are technically true. But they don't tell the whole story.

For that, we must delve into the depths of...

THE SOLARIS FILES

July 15, 2011
15:51 Eastern Standard Time

You are Solaris. You have arrived in the Dominican Republic, as planned.

Officially, you are here to visit your family, and you certainly intend to do that. But you are also here for another reason. You have been given a mission of the utmost importance. It would be no exaggeration to say that the fate of the world hangs in the balance.

So, um, what was your mission again?

Party like a rockstar.

>Have fun!

TO PREVENT THE ORBITAL BOMBING

>To prevent the Evil Doctor Diabolico from creating an artificial black hole.

Party like a rockstar.

TO PREVENT THE ORBITAL BOMBING

>To prevent the Evil Doctor Diabolico from creating an artificial black hole.

Oh, yes, that was it. The Evil Doctor Diabolico is going to bomb the Dominican Republic from orbit in order to create an artificial black hole, and it's up to you to stop him. As usual.

Fortunately, you already know his weakness: PARTYING HARD. You need to get the biggest, most amazing party going here, so that the Evil Doctor Diabolico is sure to hear about it. He won't want to miss out, so he'll call off the orbital bombing and try to crash the party. That's when you'll catch him.

You check your watch. You have 72 hours before the satellites are ready to drop their payloads of laser bombs. You'll need to get this party started fast if word of it is going to reach the Evil Doctor's ears in time. What's your first move?

>Subliminal messages through the entertainment circuit.

> Find Tony the tiger and PARTY HARD AND BE HARDCORE WITH HIM!

> Find Andrew WK and PARTY HARD AND BE HARDCORE WITH HIM!

>Also put up a notice on facebook about your big party.

> Find Andrew WK and PARTY HARD AND BE HARDCORE WITH HIM!

>Also put up a notice on facebook about your big party.

"accidentally" make it public so everyone who's anyone will be there.

like this girl.

> Finding booze and balloons.

> Finding booze and balloons.

Of course! You can't have a proper party without booze and balloons. You quickly rush towards the BOOZE AND BALLOONS EMPORIUM, the booze and balloon store of choice for any party connoisseur.

Gadzooks! It looks like Doctor Diabolico has locked down the store! There are four armed guards outside the doors with his emblem on their shirts, carrying lethal SILLY STRING SUBMACHINE GUNS. Even with your trusty PARTY POPPER PISTOL at your side, you doubt you can take these thugs down head-on. You need to get inside, but you'll have to be clever about it. What's the plan?

>Wear a fake moustache and tell them you're here to fix the air conditioning.

>We need exposure! Get the local media in on the action. Promise blackjack hookers booze A PARTY!

>We need exposure! Get the local media in on the action. Promise blackjack, hookers, booze, AND A PARTY!

>We need exposure! Get the local media in on the action. Promise blackjack, hookers, booze, AND A PARTY!

Well, yes. You can't expect to rely on word of mouth alone if you want this party to be large enough to attract the attention of Doctor Diabolico. Slinking away from the party supplies store for the moment you call your publicist and tell her to publicise the hell out of this party. It's going to be the best thing ever, you tell her, there will be booze, blackjack, hookers all that good shit. She confidently assures you that by the end of the day your party will have gone viral, and that going viral is a good thing. You totally already knew that and chastise her for explaining it to you.

So progress so far: On the plus side you now have, or will have, high expectations for your kickass party. On the minus side you still don't have a kickass party, and are no closer to obtaining one.

>Wear a fake moustache and tell them you're here to fix the air conditioning.

You are a master of subterfuge and given enough time to find a costume you would be able to pull off the old broken air conditioning ruse flawlessly. You guess you could still pull it off without getting into full costume, but you're going to need that fake moustache and it seems you neglected to pack your own personal fake moustache. Luckily the solution is obvious. There's a costume shop, the WACKY COSTUME WAREHOUSE nearby and you figure you'll be able to get one in there.

As you approach the costume store you discover to your dismay that Doctor Diabolico has it under lockdown, guarded by four of his toughest looking costumed thugs. One of them even has a confetti bazooka. What now?

>Appeal to their sense of costuming expertise. Ask the thugs to evaluate your Solaris costume.

Tell them that you have disguised yourself as Solaris in order to get in on a secret exchange he was having, but he surprised you and is on your tail. You need them to guard the front of the building while you go inside and find another disguise to throw his trail off of you.

>Balloon rides.

> Demand to know where the hell is Tony the tiger.

Tell them that you have disguised yourself as Solaris in order to get in on a secret exchange he was having, but he surprised you and is on your tail. You need them to guard the front of the building while you go inside and find another disguise to throw his trail off of you.

>Murder and mayhem.

Tell them that you have disguised yourself as Solaris in order to get in on a secret exchange he was having, but he surprised you and is on your tail. You need them to guard the front of the building while you go inside and find another disguise to throw his trail off of you.

Bravo, what a brilliant plan! A genius is you, Solaris! Confident that your foolhardy plan of reverse psychology will work, you jauntily stride to the thugs at the costume store front. Naturally, the criminal wardens draw their party-favor firearms your-head-wards. Fortunately, you managed to call off your death-by-celebratory-decorations by lying that you are the Evil Doctor Diabolico himself. The four demand an explanation and of course, you agree.

Your explanation is…wacky, to say the least. It’s ridiculous, it’s insane, and most of all, it’s unbelievable. The realism of this persuasion overdosed on acid, punched a bear, and took a one-way trip to the sun. Surprisingly, your ruse…works! Apparently, your explanation is so out of there, it had effectively stunned the feeble minds of the wardens, as they stand around like idiots, mouth slightly open, as they attempt to figure out what is with your story. Effectively, the entrance is left open for your leisure to mosey.

You do that, but first…

>Appeal to their sense of costuming expertise. Ask the thugs to evaluate your Solaris costume.

The four guards are too stunned to follow most of your commands! However, one of them managed to pick up a partial through his mind-numbed senses.

“Needs work.”

What a party pooper! Screw the guards. Anyway, you go in order to complete your quest for fake facial hair. The inside of the costume store is like any other costume: musty-smelling and messy. Signs hang from the ceilings indicating what types of costumes are underneath.

On your RIGHT is the HALLOWEEN, DRAMA, and ACCESSORIES section. On your LEFT is the MAKE-UP, SEWING, and of course MUSTACHE section. You can see the CASHIER REGISTER in the MIDDLE FRONT, and the UNISEX BATHROOM on the distant FRONT RIGHT.

Before you could go on your mustache raid, there is apparently a large CROCODILE in the middle of the store for some reason. Other than its freakishly huge size, the reptile looks like a regular crocodile. Currently, it is asleep, basking underneath the fluorescent light. Obviously, this makes you slightly uneasy. Maybe you should do something about that.

> Find and wear a crocodile costume. It'll let you walk right past.

> Find and wear a crocodile costume. It'll let you walk right past.

An idea strikes you. Scouring the portions of the store you can reach without disturbing the slumbering reptile, you find a crocodile costume on a hanger. This should allow you to sneak past with ease!

Just as you reach towards it, though, you feel a chill rolling down your spine. You turn around; the crocodile has woken up, and it's staring right at you. It doesn't seem to be moving, but it's bound to notice if you grab the crocodile costume; and you know from past experience that Dominican Republic crocodiles are smart enough to put two and two together when they see someone carrying a crocodile costume and then see another crocodile.

If you could get the crocodile to go back to sleep, or find some way to change unnoticed, your plan might still work. Or maybe there's some other route you can take to the moustache section!

The point is, you need a plan. What is it?