Jormungandr Goes To Hell - WE'RE IN HELL

FANARTS

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Fanartstravaganza!

Fantastic Bimbo Dance Remix by Slorange, Thriggle and LP/Ed contains a hell of a lot of Jormungandr cameos.


Tchort part of a group fanart by Faceofdoomness.


Jormungandr part of a group fanart by Lord Paradise.


Shenanigandr courtesy of ArsenicNog.


Awesome Jormungandr and Dimitri by Lucas.


Powergrando I and his awesome but ultimately unused steampunk arm by TheBoyd.


Jormungandr has an ocarina on her head. Edited by Superfrequency.


Criminally neglected fanart of Tchort from the His Scene Her Style thread back on MSPAFA.


Jormungandr looking more badass than I know how to draw her by TheBoyd.


Tchort announcing his villainous intentions by Superfrequency.


The Greatest Battle by ArsenicNog.


Yahtzee wears an elegant frock from his review for Silent Hill: Shattered Memories. I mean just look at that and tell me it ain't fanart.

MEDALS OF PUZZLE SOLVING

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Baphomet - for solving an alarmingly complex math riddle during the Midgardsormr Interlude. Kgummy - for figuring out the item 'from hell' required for the Afterlife door opening ritual. The Dark Nerd - for locating The Librarian's Diary. Boyd and Dweird - for discerning the method and the route to the Lost Reading Room.

AWARDS AND NOMINATIONS

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Awards and Nominations:
Nominated for Best Story Autumn 2009
Nominated for Best Playable Female Autumn 2009
Nominated for Best Sidekick Spring 2010
Winner of Best Playable Female Spring 2010

THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE

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You are Princess Lisa Jormungandr; Ruler of the mighty Principality of Jormungandr. You wake up in your palatial bedroom with a sense of foreboding not really conveyed by this picture. You are more than averagely certain that for some reason beyond the sphere of your comprehension you are trapped. A prisoner within your own opulent boudoir. But then again that's Monday mornings for you.

What do you do?

---

retrieve arms from drawers.

You already have incredibly poorly drawn arms you half crazed visigoth!

> Try and open the door, just in case.

> Open the door.

Try both pushing and pulling the door.

You try the door and it turns out you were right. Not that there's much satisfaction to be gleaned from being correct in this instance. The door refuses to budge both when pushed and pulled, this is one truly stuck door.

examine portrait

You take a moment to fondly regard your portrait of your dear old Uncle Billy and ponder what he might have done in a situation like this... After a moment you come to a conclusion, you're not sure exactly what he would do but it almost certainly would involve a death ray and shooting it at the door. Unfortunately you find yourself lacking in both death and rays.

---

Start at the upper left corner of the screen, and click rapidly, gradually moving the cursor back and forth, as well as slightly down. Do this until you have identified every interactable object onscreen.

Although you initially dismissed this idea as far too much effort you have come to the conclusion that desperate times call for desperate measures. You examine the room in great depth and have almost give up hope of making any kind of discovery when you spot a key fallen down a crack behind your bed. You reach in and grab this shining beacon of hope.



Oh no, it's just an alarmingly large ball of fluff... Nevermind.

> Wait for someone to rescue you.

This strikes you as the best idea ever. Surely within mere minutes your well-trained phalanx of guard squid will be here to rescue you from this uncooperative door.



Erm... any minute now?



You make a mental note to give your well-trained phalanx of guard squid a good talking to just as soon as you manage to abscond from your bedroom.

>Look around at the rest of the room for possible exits

This is more like it. You have a good feeling about this side of the room. You are almost certain that hidden amongst these seemingly innocuous possessions is the key to your escape. And also that whoever decorated this room really liked candelabras.

---

>Identify that giant capsule-looking thing on the left

You take a closer look at your private Cloning Vat. You're a beginner level Cloner... Clonist... Clonator? Whatever the descriptive noun you're a beginner level at it. You can't do any of the fancy stuff but given a sample of DNA you can clone someone in a matter of hours.

Retrieve armaments from drawers.

You doubt it'll be armaments but you might as well check what's in your dresser drawers. There's some candelabras... a spoon... and some vibr-



-personal things. You decide to leave your personal things in the drawers.

---

Also, wonder why you are so painfully shy when there is no one else in the room.

>Wonder why you are named for a giant fucking snake.

You figure it's probably the fault of your bitter twisted dear old mum; Queen Ragnarok. That wrinkled old hag was always standing in silhouette and telling you about how God punished those who thought inappropriate thoughts. In alarmingly graphic detail... And she gave you this awful name. What a bitch! Then again on second thoughts she probably wasn't as bad as all that...



That's probably more accurate.

> Take that blue thing from atop the cupboard.

Despite your poorly drawn arms not being a constitent legnth from one drawing to the next it seems that Rhiny, your cuddly toy of a common cold virus, is abitrarily too high for you to reach.

>Pluck one of your own hairs, and clone yourself.

Now you're cooking with gas. You pluck your favourite hair and head vatwards to begin the cloning process.



Unfortunately the DNA insertion slot is not really compatible with hair. It looks like you're going to have to do this the old fashioned way...



You click your favourite hair back into place and get down to business.

> Combine syringe with poorly drawn arms.

You insert your blood sample into the cloning vat and after a couple of seconds of frantic whirring and rumbling the DNA acquired light flicks to green. Now all you have to do is wait a couple of hours and you'll be twice as trapped in this room as you are at the moment.



You take a second to pause and feel good about yourself. Although you aren't sure how a clone is going to help get you out of this mess you feel you've taken a definate step forwards. You are interrupted from your self-congratulating reverie by the rasping sound of a throat being cleared.

Equip a Candelabra as a weapon in case your captors come here to check on you.

You grab the nearest candelabra and wield it in a manner that can only be described as dramatic.



Across the room you can see some thing. A monster with a claw for a head. You grip the candelabra tightly and prepare to aggress this monstrosity. "Come now." It says. "There's no need for that. I just thought we could have a little conversation..."

---

>Rush him

You quickly consider your options. On the one hand you could hear him out and then respond with violence if appropriate, or on the other hand you could throw caution to the wind and just attack this creature who is an unknown quantity in both allegiance and strength...



You come to the conclusion that you should probably launch a surprise attack while you have an opportunity. You lunge at the creature, candelabra raised but before you can even land a blow something slashes at your face.



You drop your candelabra in the toussle and stumble backwards. Your face throbs with pain and you tentatively feel at it. You can feel deep gashes across your face. Great. Now you're scarred for life.

>"Get out of here... or I'll... I'll hit you and um... Clone you!"

You're not going to win a fight against this thing but you don't want it to know that. "Get out of here... or I'll... I'll hit you and um... clone you!" You threaten feebly.



"I apologise." the creature responds. "I did not come here to harm you. I assure you that was strictly involuntary." The creature paused. "Look we've gotten off to a bad start here. I'm Tchort. I'm here to help you." You can't help but feel somewhat skeptical as your stylish new face wounds throb with pain. "The other Principalities; Hel and Fenrir. They're launching an assault on your kingdom. That's why you're stuck in here. They've paid off one of your staff to keep you trapped so you can't fight back. I know I'm a demon and everything but there is such a thing as sportsmanship. I'm here to offer my help getting you out of here and getting some revenge." he paused. "That is providing you want my help." Tchort glanced around the room, his eyes skimming off a multitude of candelabras and the cloning vat gently humming to itself. "I think you could use it." he added.

---

> "Alright. Open the door for me."

"Alright. Open the door for me." You say cautiously. Behind Tchort the door slides open in a somewhat jerky manner.

>Offer him a candelabra as payment.

"Wow." You say stunned. "...I didn't actually think you would be able to do it." You confess gushing with excitement. "Here. Have a candelabra for your trouble." You grin manically. "It's the best one. The floor one. You've more than earned it."
"Firstly the singular of candelabra is candelabrum so technically you're offering me a candelabrum rather than a candelabra." Tchort replied. "And secondly I will be taking payment but not in the form of a candelabrum."



"I will instead be taking your soul." Tchort continued. The room faded to black around him.



"Wait, what?" you cry. "I never agreed to this!"
"You made a deal with the devil, well a demon but you get the idea." said Tchort. "When you make a deal with us your soul is always on the line. That's just how we do business."



"I didn't even know I was making a deal." You protest.
"Doesn't matter." Tchort continued. "We now own your soul and with it your kingdom." Tchort paused for a second. "The boss is going to be so psyched when she finds out!" he blurted out giddily.
Everything fades to black

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It's a couple of hours later and you are now this you. The cloning process is finally complete and you awake as the vat clicks open. For some reason you have all the memories of your real self right up until she was dragged off to Hell by that bastard Tchort. You decide that it's up to you to rescue yourself from the depths of Hell and reclaim your kingdom.

Find some clothes for your clone.

This is obviously your first priority. You dread to think what your mother would have thought if she knew you were walking around naked and covered in pinkish cloning vat goo.



Now you're all cleaned up and wearing one of your many identical but for the colour dresses. What next?

---

Clone yourself again, just in case.

While this is a really good idea you don't have the means to clone yourself again at the moment. True you do have a syringe, which you recover from where it fell around the back of the cloning vat, but it has already been used and you know better than to reuse syringes. Looks like you'll just have to wait till you can find another syringe.



Suddenly the cloning vat beeps at you and a peice of paper emerges from a slot.



You retrieve the paper and read it. It says "System Malfunction: Clone brain structure partially compromised. Clone will experience an crippling phobia of candelabra. No other problems expected."



... AARGH!

---

>Hide behind cloning vat until you can figure a way out of this.

You have a quick panic attack and vault over the table to the spot hidden behind your cloning vat. It's actually quite nice back here. If you didn't have kingdoms to save, souls to reclaim and monstrous candelabra to destroy then you'd probably stay.

>Bust down the door to escape

The door's already open nimrod! You'll say this for Tchort at least he was true to his word and got that damnable door open for you. If only that blasted candelabra wasn't in your way! You're going to have to figure out a way of overcoming your phobia and getting out of here.

---

>Realize that you only have a crippling fear of candelabra, not a candelabrum. If you take them one at a time you should be fine.

You're partially brain damaged and even you can see the faulty logic at work in this idea. If for example you had a fear of mice would you be unafraid of a single mouse? You think not. Then again without a fear of mice and some mice you have no proof of this hypothesis. Then again why are you thinking about mice? You have more important things to be thinking about like those ghastly abominations unto nature that are candelabra (and if there's only one around then a candelabrum is just as ghastly and abominationish).

Throw something at them.

>Hurl pink potion at the vanity and candelabra on it.

This seems like a great idea. You'll probably never need this flask of as yet unidentified pink goo. Hurling it across the room will in no way make your life that much harder later on in your journey. You hurl the flask of pink goo with all your might.


It worked! The candelabrum that was blocking your way has been toppled.

>Just run past, maybe they won't notice you

You gather up your courage and run through the candelabra infested room. You narrowly dodge through the doorway and slam the doors shut behind you. You let out a massive sigh of relief as you find yourself in an entirely candelabrum empty and boring to look at hallway.

---

Don't go into a room. Dig a hole.

Digging holes is fun! Although part of you is alarmed at how easy it was to dig a massive hole in a corridor of your castle.

Don't forget to lick the pink goo.

You'd love to lick the unidentified and potentially poisonous pink goo. You think it would be delicious. However it's proximity to a candelabrum, even a fallen candelabrum, is too immediate. Your potentially lethal but probably tasty treat eludes you.

Listen closely to see if you can hear anything coming from one of the rooms.

You check out the War Room (the room adjacent to yours) first. You press your ear against the door and hear the sound of quarreling coming from inside. You sigh. People are always fighting in the War Room. It should not be allowed.



The door on the opposite wall to your bedroom, that of the guard's quarters, is quiet with tranquil blue splooshing.



You walk towards the door at the top end of the corridor, the one that leads out onto the Great Hall. You don't even need to press your ear to the door this time. The sounds are clear. A loud roaring and gunfire followed by a slightly alarming squorp a couple of seconds later.

>RDJ: Peer tentatively into the room adjacent to the room you just came out of to see if there are any candelabra inside

You can't see any from here. This room is probably perfectly safe.

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Animation of Silliness!

>Display cutscene revealing the current whereabouts and status of White Dress Jormungandr

---

>Proceed into perfectly safe room with reckless abandon.

>Make a dramatic entrance. Throw the door open as far as it will go.

Proceed into the room while imitating the cry of a mean beast known to frighten candelabra.

You decide to charge into the room like you own the place, because you do own the place. For a second you think of imitating the cry of a mean beast known to frighten candelabra but then you remember that those damnable candelabra are not afraid of anything. This is part of what makes them so goddamn nervewrackingly mindmeltingly terrifying.
Anyway you stride confidently into the War Room to see Princesses Fenrir (in red) and Hel (in chequered black and white) gathered around the table. You suddenly remember you invited them for brunch before this whole being locked in a room/having your soul stolen by a demon thing started.



"Hey Jor." Fenrir greets you enthusiastically, some kind of green cocktail in hand. "You're late to the party!" Hel mutters something under her breath. It's clear she isn't enjoying herself quite as much as Fenrir is.

---

>Sorry, soul got stolen. So how's things?

"Sorry, soul got stolen." You say casually. "So..."



There was a thump as Hel slammed her fist down onto the table. "That's what I'm talking about!" she exclaimed angrily. "Fucking demons! You know what I mean?" You open your mouth to respond but before you can Hel is off again. "They think they're evil? I'll show them evil! Climbing out of Hell and launching an attack on me! I practically invented evil! Fucking amateurs!"



"Don't mind her." Fenrir cut in. She mouthed 'time of the month' towards you.
"Go fuck yourself Fenrir. You won't be laughing when those demon bastards attack your Principality." Hel snapped venomously. "You won't be laughing then when they flood your streets and force you into the gutter like a rat as they torture and kill your entire population. Then you'll be saying save me and I'll whisper no." Hel paused. "Because by then I'll be Queen of the fucking Demons! Yeah you'll fucking see."

> Take a quick glance at the map

You take advantage of the fact that neither Fenrir or Hel particularly seem to want your input at the moment to sneak a glance at the map of The Principalities laid out on the table. It's exactly as you remember it.



"Hey Jormungandr." Fenrir says. "Don't you think demons are so fashionable right now?" She gestures to her fake devil horns and tail. "We should totally get you some! You'd look fierce with a couple of horns and a demon tail! And hey maybe you could have like some vampire fangs or something? They're demons too, right?"

---

>Give Fenrir a glare that perfectly summarizes all the ordeals you've had to suffer up until now

>Slap her in the face.

You glare at Fenrir with all the glaringness you can muster. You consider slapping her a few times but refrain yourself because you're friends, and friends only slap friends when they're hysterical. Fenrir doesn't really seem to notice your stern glare. Hel looks between the two of you and chuckles to herself.



You sigh and try another tactic. "Look I've just spent the last few hours in a cloning vat, and clearly there have been knock on events to me losing my soul. Why not fill me in?"



"Couple of hours ago the sky over Jormungandr turned red and demons started pouring out of the ground all over the Principality." Hel says. "At first I didn't really mind, after all most of your Principality is made up of clones so they can all be replaced and, hell a little bit of genocide is a nice way to start the morning." She paused. "Then they crossed the border and started attacking Hel as well." She pauses for a second and you can see her straining to keep calm. "Well they picked the wrong Princess to mess with. I'm the evil one around here!" Hel downs the green cocktail that has totally been there the whole time.

Then take the WEIGHTED COMPANION CUBE from the bookshelf.

You aint no pansy-ass twilight reading schoolgirl.

...

Well you're not a schoolgirl at any rate.

---

> Examine Photograph.

It's a picture of you and Seraphinia. Sera's a full time adventurer, seemingly always in the midst of some kind of exciting exploit. You met when she rescued you from a rampaging mutant and while yes the imperiled princess falling for her saviour is such a cliché, you are dating.

You briefly wonder where she is, but you know if anyone's tough enough to survive a demon invasion it's Sera.

Then read Ham! It's comedy gold.

>Read about hams

This is not an appropriate time for ham!

Is that copy of Mutewood the Collector's Edition?

Nope it's the original edition where the mind-numbing horror is occasionally offset by the main character thinking there is a gun in the shower.

Quick! Grab the book labeled "Boring". A how-to guide about drilling holes through things is exactly what we need! Think about all of the weird puzzle shit we could bypass by boring through the palace walls!

This would be awesome but it's actually just a really boring book. You're not sure why you bought it, let alone why you bought the sequel. You decide that that's enough thought bubbles for now and you should actually do something next.

Attempt to collect The History of Passageways Hidden Behind Bookshelves, accidentally push it in whilst doing so.

You prod at "A History of Secret Passages Hidden Behind Bookcases" in case this is some clever secret passage. However nothing happens. You guess AHoSPHBB is just a regular book.

Grab the books about surviving Jormungandr, Jormungandr a true story, summoning demons, Gamer's Compedium, Dante's Inferno and the one about secret passages.

You grab all of the books and strain under their combined weight. Right what next?

---

Go through Dante's Inferno for tips on getting to hell.

You dump the books onto the table and notice Hel staring at you. You glance towards her but she looks away as you do so. You shrug it off and start reading Dante's Inferno hoping to glean some information on how precisely to get to Hell.



"What are you doing?" Hel asks.
"What do you think I'm doing? I'm trying to sort this mess out." You respond.
"...What's the plan?" "Bust the door to Hell down, and fight your way to Satan to get your soul back?" Hel asks.
"Pretty much." you respond.
"Want some help with that?" she asks. You stare at her for a second or two. "Yeah I know. I'm the evil one. I should be causing apocalypses rather than averting them but... they're killing my people." she pauses. "Only I'm allowed to kill my people!"

Form an alliance with Hel?

---

Yeses win. Hel's in.


Princess Hel has joined Team Jormungandr.



Hel grinned widely. "Okay, but don't go thinking you can command me about the place or anything. You're not my boss. We're partners." You sigh. Typical Hel. "And don't even think about sending me down to Hell. I'm not ready to get ripped apart by demons. I'm not nearly as clone-happy as you are."

"Then what are you going to do?" you ask irritatably.
"I'll coordinate the war effort." says Hel. "There's no point getting your soul back and banishing the demons back to Hell if everybody's dead before then. Plus I can do valuable research while you run around and solve whatever weird puzzle shit you might happen to come across." You shrug.
"Well I suppose you're better than nothing." you say. Hel glares at you but you ignore her.

While you're at it, ask Fen if she'd like to join in.

> "Sure Hel. You coming too Fen-fen!?"

"You in Fen-Fen?" you ask, mildly alarmed at your own choice of nickname.
"Nah." She responds. "Sounds like a lot of work. I'll just hang here for now." You shrug again and turn back to Hel.



Hel snatches Dante's Inferno across the table. "I've got this." She says. "I'm not sure how much help it's going to be though. Dante knew a hell of a lot about how hell was organised and everything but in terms of how to get there I think we should ask a native."

Learn how to summon demons.

You open up the alarmingly large 'Summoning Demons for Fun and Profit' and flip through the pages and pages of safety information, demon etiquette, demon lore, demon linguistics and preparation rituals till you get to the first page that has anything to do with summoning.

---

>Try and summon the monstrosity.

Follow the book's instructions.

See what's on the next page, first. It might be important.

You skip forward to the next page to make sure you are not missing any vital information. The next page appears to be all about summoning succubae and you're sure nobody wants that.

>Check out that preparation chapter and make a pentagram.

So that's how to draw a pentagram, now all you need is something to draw it with.



"Hey Hel." You say. Hel glances up from the book and looks at you quizzically. "Don't suppose you've got anything to write with? Chalk or a marker pen or something?" Hel shakes her head and looks back at the book. Just what did you team up with her for anyway? Ugh.



"I've got some lipstick?" suggests Fenrir.
"It's a bit gauche but I suppose it'll work." you say.
"What colour do you want?"
"Something dark." says Hel.
"Dark like dark red or more like a purple?" Fenrir asks. "Or maybe black?"
"How about whatever colour is to hand." you interrupt impatiently. Fenrir hands you a tube of lipstick and you walk over to the far side of the room and draw a pentagram on the floor.



It doesn't look too bad. Okay time to summon up a demon.

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>Tell it that you command it.

"I, um, command you!" you say hopefully.



"Not this again." moans the monstrosity. "It's always the same, I'm just sitting down about to enjoy a fine cigar and a glass of Chateau Petreuse, and all of a sudden I'm hurtled to the surface by a bunch of teenage girls who think larking about with dark magicks and creatures upon which no man should gaze is tremendous fun." The big black eye blinked and looked around the room. "Aren't you all a little too old for this kind of shenanigans?"

>" Okay boy, fetch me an entrance to Hell! Theres a good boy!

There's a long awkward pause, but you press on: "I command you to get us an entrance to Hell."
"Oh yes here we go." The monstrosity says sarcastically. "Always the same: Dimitri make us an entrance to Hell, Dimitri make this boy at school like me, Dimitri do a flip, Dimitri ride the veil between life and death like a mechanical bull, Dimitri burst through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man. You people are never satisfied."



"Stop moaning and do it!" you snap.
"Didn't you even read the book?" asked Dimitri the Monstrosity. "If you'd bothered to give it more than a cursory glance you would have learned that an invocation to open a portal to Hell is far above the abilities of a Trivial Monstrosity like myself. You might as well ask me to paint the sky gold, I simply cannot do it."



"Now if you would kindly release me then perhaps I might get five minutes of rest before some other aspiring dark coven summons me again from the depths." Dimitri says. "Knowing my luck they'll probably be naked. Do you humans not realise how incredibly ugly you are as a species?"

---

Ask him where in Hell Tchort is.

"If you answer a couple of questions for me then I'll let you go." You say.
"Fine." Says Dimitri bitterly.
"Do you know a demon called Tchort?" you ask.
"Hell's a big place you know." Dimitri says defensively. "I don't know every single demon down there. Do you know everyone on the Surface? I think not." There's a momentary pause. "But as it turns out I do know Tchort, that smug git. The way he snivels around after her - it's sickening."



"Where in Hell will I find him?" you ask.
"Right down in the ninth circle." Dimitri says and pauses. "That's the deepest level of Hell." He explains, clearly annoyed at your lack of knowledge on the subject.
"So to get to him I have to go through all nine levels of Hell?" you ask.
"That's right." Dimitri says "If you manage to get all the way to the second circle (which you won't) feel free not to look me up, ever."

Ask him if there are any entrances to hell nearby.

"Are there any entrances to Hell nearby?" you ask.
"God I hope not." Dimitri shudders. "To think of all you humans being able to wander into the depths at nought but a whim. That's the kind of thing nightmares are made of."

>"Okay fine." Send him back to where he came from.

"Is that it?" asked Dimitri. "I've answered your queries and quandries to the best of my abilities. Might I finally be permitted to leave your presence?"
"Okay fine." You say. "I hereby release you back into Hell or whatever it is that you're supposed to say." You wave your arms at Dimitri hoping that your enthusiasm will make up for the fact that you're not sure how this bit goes.



"You trio of idiots!" Dimitri exclaimed. "Did you even read the book at all?" You shake your head slowly, confused by his sudden anger, and by his still being here. "Of course not. I imagine you probably just picked up the book and skipped straight to the part where you could learn how to bother me."



"What did we miss then?" you ask. "I know how these things work. This spell forces you over and binds you to this plane, then I uninvoke it and no longer bound here you spring back. Simple."
"That's not how it works at all." Dimitri snapped. "The spell does force me over but it just binds me to this pentagram. In order to return to my home sweet Hell you have to perform the unsummoning ritual."
"Unsummoning ritual?" you ask.
"Look it up." suggests Dimitri.





"That is not fair!" you exclaim. "How was I supposed to know I'd have to do an unsummoning ritual?"
"By reading the book." Dimitri replies. You pause for a second.
"Okay good point," you admit. "but still unfair."

>Say asparagus, hope everything cancels itself out

"What about if I just say asparagus?" you ask, then stop in shock.



Dimitri steps out of the pentagram and shrugs. "Where am I going to go? And I need you guys to help send me back to Hell." He pauses for a moment. "Of course it would take just one of you to perform the necessary ritual to return me to Hell, so if you don't make a go of it soon then I might be forced to take some unfortunate measures to ensure that you remain focused."



"So lets see about that Unsummoning Ritual shall we?" Dimitri asked nonchalantly.

---

>See about that unsummoning ritual.

>Look up the proper reagent.

Slyly look in the book to see what you need to unsummon the demon.

That's a relief. You thought you'd have to trek around looking for some obscure item that isn't available anywhere. Something occurs to you. Blackwood Tree? Didn't you have all of those burnt down after David Blackwood accused you of overreacting? Hey well you can still probably obtain the bark in it's medical context. There's probably some in the first aid kit in the Guard's Quarters... unless that was the medical thing you had made illegal for suspected use in demonic rituals... erm...

... shit.

---

See if the book contains any information on how to contain Monstrosities after the seal has faded.

Even though that wasn't particularly helpful you're rather glad you bought this book; you're getting a hell of a lot of mileage out of it.

>Have the monstrosity conjure up some Blackwood bark.

"Hey Dimitri?" you ask somewhat nervously.
"How may I help you?" his response is calm and controlled with just the slightest undertone of menace.
"Do you think you could summon up some Blackwood bark?" you ask. "For the unsummoning ritual?"
"I think you must have me mistaken with a majkkal pixie." Dimitri responds irritably. "I'm more the kind of demon that slashes people to pieces and impales their heads on poles." He paused. "Though, given the option, I prefer a nice game of charades."

>Get one of your pals to bring some from their lands.

"What about you two?" you ask Hel and Fenrir.
"What about us?" Hel asks confusedly.
"Blackwood bark?" you respond. "To unsummon Dimitri."
"Dimitri?" asks Fenrir. "Who's Dimitri?"
"You know, Dimitri!" you say sarcastically. "That demon over there." Hel and Fenrir glance towards Dimitri.
"Oh hi." Hel says, before turning back to you. "Didn't notice him turning up." She looked down at the book for a second. "This book is really great you know Jor. You should hear some of the things they do to people in Hell..."



"Can either of you bring me some Blackwood bark from your Principalities?" you ask.
"Erm, no." says Hel. "Because we're here. Not in our Principalities." She paused. "And we're under siege from the forces of Hell."
"Oh yeah." You reply thoughtfully. "Guess that was a pretty stupid question."
"Any Blackwood bark you want you're going to have to find somewhere in this palace." Clarified Hel.
"Yeah thanks for that." You reply snarkily. "Sooooo helpful."

> To the Guard's Quarters with yee!

"I'm going to go and look for some." You say. "You three play nice." There is a general murmuring of ascent and you step out into the hallway. Luckily for you the Guard's Quarters is just across the way.



You step into the quarters of your well trained phalanx of guard squid. You can hear someone mumbling incoherently from the depths of the pool.

SpoilerShow

NON CANON TIME!

>paint the sky gold

"You missed a bit." You say. "And it's going to need a second coat."
"See what I mean?" says Dimitri aggrievedly. "You're never satisfied."

END OF NON-CANON TIME

---

>Check everything but the pool. Including the Book, Lockers, and Med Kit.

You examine the book on the table to your left. On closer inspection the book appears to be some kind of bright pink towel.

>Grab a towel in case of emergency.

Good idea. After all a towel is the most massively useful item an interstellar hitchhiker a cloned princess can have.

Explore the INCONSPICUOUS red locker.

Bizarrely enough all the lockers are tightly locked, probably in an effort to stop people like you from wandering up and taking whatever they please. You don't know the combinations. Interestingly the red locker appears to require a key and always has done.

Hey, maybe there's a portal to hell in the pool?

You ponder whether the pool could be some kind of portal to Hell. It would be incredibly convenient, however you doubt it. In fact you doubt that there are any naturally occurring gates to Hell because if there was demons probably wouldn't have had to go through all this stealing your soul rigmarole in order to invade the mortal plane.

> FOCUS! Look inside of the First Aid Kit.

You remind yourself of the peril that Hel and Fenrir are facing and force yourself to get back to your search for Blackwood bark. You check the First Aid kit, finding two unused syringes and some bandages, but no Blackwood bark. You guess it's not going to be that easy.

---

Perhaps you could use one on Dimitri and have a cloned demon?

An idea occurs to you. You will collect some of Dimitri's DNA and clone him. Then you'll have two versions of him threatening to kill you and your sisters. Maybe this wasn't the best idea.

>Start collecting spoons

>Gather yon Syringes!

> collect syringes

You look down at all the lovely shiny things you'd like to carry around. Your towel, that spoon and those syringes. That seems like rather a lot to carry around at once.

Just put them in your inventory.

Inventory? What inventory? What do you take yourself for, some kind of common adventurer? You don't have an inventory, that's what servants are for.



That said spoons, being the official currency of your Principality, are something of an exception, you slip the spoon into your intangible spoon container, and you can reasonably carry two syringes and a towel at once.

SpoilerShow

in case you're wondering this is why you haven't carried things around until this point. I've been kind of trying to get someone to suggest that you put stuff in your inventory but since nobody is biting I thought I'd just clarify for clarity's sake.

Now you are back in possession of an unused syringe (or two) it's time to clone up another copy of yourself.



When you arrive back in your bedroom you discover your unidentified black object which you have been ignoring all day long is ringing. As you are loaded up with pointy objects and it is surrounded by hideous candelabra you decide to ignore it for now.



You make your way to the other side of the room doing your best to avoid the malevolent candelabra that surround you. You take a blood sample, inject your blood into the cloning vat and tidy away any used syringes. Congratulations in just a couple of hours there will be another version of you wandering about the place, you're not sure how helpful that will be but you guess that it probably won't hinder your efforts.

---

Wait, how about adding demon dna to your clone? Maybe then you'll have a clone with DEMON POWERS.

God that'd be amazing.

Do this

Once again you've had another stupid idea about cloning. You think it would be a good idea to go and grab some of Dimitri's DNA and inject it into the cloning vat so your next clone would have demon powers. What a stupid idea.



Wait, hang on. That's not a stupid idea at all! That's an awesome idea! You scoop a used needle up out of the used needle bin (located behind the cloning vat) and rush off to the War Room.





Hel, Fenrir and Dimitri are playing charades. They don't pay much attention to you as you gather some of Dimitri's thick brown saliva. Gross.





You rush back to your room and inject the disgusting brown goo into the cloning vat. After a couple of seconds of strained k-thunking the machine appears to process the demonic DNA. You really hope you know what you're doing.

> Throw the towel at the candelabra near the phone.

>Decide it's time to overcome your fear of candelabra; take a brave stand

Okay, this is it. This crippling fear of candelabra? It's stupid and it's got to stop. Candelabra are just objects. You can just walk over there and take your damn phone and woe betide any candelabrum that gets in your way.





On second thoughts you like the idea with the towel.



You throw the towel candelabra-ward. Two candelabra topple from the table while one is neatly covered by the towel. You should now be able to access your phone without fear of painful candelabrum retribution.

---

Access the phone!

You snatch your yPhone from the jaws of the ravenous candelabra and answer it. "Hello?"
"Hi!" responds Fenrir chirpily.
"What is it Fen?" you ask abruptly.
"Me and Hel are having a great time playing charades with that big ugly friend of yours and we thought maybe you'd like to come and join us?" Fenrir asked.
"Maybe after I've searched the entire castle from top to bottom for the item that's going to save your life." You respond.
"Okay, seeya then." Fenrir says and hangs up.



Since you finally have your phone you decide to go to the notes section and make a couple of notes on your current situation.

Look behind the picture of Uncle Billy.

Behind the portrait of Uncle Billy you discover... a nail. To be honest you weren't certain what you expected to find back there anyway. Upon closer scrutiny the frame appears to be made of Darkbrownwood.

>Candelabraphobe Jormungandr: See if the Demon Summony Manual has anything to say on, oh, trying to create unholy combinations of human and demon genetic code.

The demon summoning manual was published before the widespread use of cloning vats, but you guess that if it did mention this topic at all it would probably say something along the lines of 'death is inevitable, please retrieve deadly weapon from where you stashed it during your preparations and pre-emptively end your suffering.'

SpoilerShow

SpoilerShow

Is there a demon you can summon that is powerful enough to give you blackwood?

Possibly but not all demons are as "friendly" as Dimitri and even if you did convince one to give you some blackwood bark you'd have to then unsummon that demon with probably an even more obscure item creating an infinite cycle of summoning and unsummoning while the legions of Hell obliterated every last person in the world. So no.

Can we take the darkbrown wood and darken it to blackwood and use it in the desummoning?

There's a difference between the two types of wood that is more than just the colour of it, though the name may suggest otherwise. The botanists of this world were just very uncreative when it came to thinking up names.

> I believe we have yet to visit the Great Hall. Go there.

You walk to the top of the hall and throw open the doors of the Great Hall. The transformation since you last saw the room is shocking. Sandbags and barbed wire barricades have been set up at this end. At the far end of the room a giant thorned growth has broken down part of the wall and your elite phalanx of guard squid are trying to keep out the demons that keep flooding through the gap. On the wall to your right (on the same wall as the fireplace) is the door to the kitchen. On the wall in front of you, past the barbed wire barricades is the door to the staircase that leads up to the throne room.

---

> Hug the squid to reassure schler.

You run up to General Oioujuoaie and give him a great big hug.



"You aren't going to believe the morning I've had General." You say. "I was locked in my room for ages and then this demon turned up and stole my soul. Luckily I'd cloned myself and now there's a demon playing charades in the War Room. It's all kinds of chaos." You pause for a second. "So what have you been doing?"

> Ask the squid what's going on.

Get a debriefing of the situation, stat!

"Your highness." The General responds without taking his eyes from the battlefield. "The castle is under heavy attack from demons. We've tried calling military bases at other cities but we believe we're the last place in the whole of Jormungandr that is holding out against the demon menace. And we're not even holding out that well. It's a concentrated assault and we've been unable to repel them all. I would order your immediate evacuation but they've taken the east side of the castle and with it the Hangar. We have not had time to ascertain the status of the alley around the back of the kitchens, but if it is still unblocked it may be the only safe way out for you and the other Princesses.” He paused. "You should go now. We'll hold off these demons as best we can."
"Bleak." You say. "Keep holding them off. If you give me enough time I can sort this whole thing out. Demons back to Hell. My soul back where it belongs." The General nodded, he'd long ago learnt that it was pointless to argue with you once you'd set your mind to something.

>To the throne room!

Then, if safe, go to the throne room and sit on it. Hell yeah.

You would but those barbed wire barricades are in the way. Not to mention that the General said that side of the castle had been taken by the demons.

>Quietly check the fireplace to see if there's anything interesting in it

> Grab that poker from the fireplace.

You wander over to the fireplace and search it for anything of use. The hearth is full of coal and you find a poker, which you take and wield menacingly. You figure the rest of the fireplace is probably just for decoration.

>Obtain Blackwood bark from fireplace.

You consider dismantling the fireplace for some blackwood bark but then it strikes you that the fireplace is obviously made from whitewood. You give the whitewood a quick poke in the hope that it might spontaneously turn into blackwood bark and end your search here and now. It does not.

---

Use the ink as a sort of warpaint and apply in a badass pattern.

You paint your face in the most badass style you can think of. It comes out looking like a moustache



After a couple more attempts you give up and just draw a moustache on your face.

>Mourn loss of the soldier on the other side of the fence

You bow your head solemnly to the fallen squid on the other side of the barricade. You can't help but think that your solemn act of rembrance is made a mockery of by the fact that you have a moustache drawn on your face. And that the ink you used to draw the moustache came from inside the body of a squid whose life was very recently cut tragically short.

>Rub the coal on the whitewood until it turns black

You apply coal to the whitewood fireplace. It is now dirty. Congratulations. You have created Blackwood bark. Rejoice for your epic journey is now complete. You can finally unsummon that lumbering retch of a beast Dimitri and get on with your quest to journey to Hell and retrieve your soul from the evil demon Tchort and it will all be simple compared to the trials and tribulations you had to face to obtain this piece of Blackwood bark. Nah I'm just kidding. It's still whitewood, just very dirty whitewood. On the plus side you've made a mess and that appears to be one of your unspoken objectives in this adventure.

> Investigate yonder kitchens.

You make your way over to the kitchens and push the door open. A squid you don't recognise is filling in for the chef, not very successfully if that sludge up one of the walls is any indication. You preemptively discern what the wooden items in this room are made from. In this case it's lightbrownwood.

---

>Ask the squid what he's cooking.

"Hello!" you say. "What's cooking?"
"Oh Princess Jormungandr! You're not supposed to be in here." says the squid. Under your withering stare he nervously adds: "Though of course it is your castle you can go wherever you want."
"I hope that's not for me, because no offence it looks potentially lethal." You comment.
"I know." The squid replies sadly. "I mean, no it's not for you. It was supposed to be a nice refreshing kelp soup for the rest of the guards, but I don't seem to be any better at cooking than I was at combat." You feel a pang of sympathy for the poor chef and attempt to rally his spirits.
"Maybe it tastes better than it looks." You suggest hopefully.
"I... I doubt it." The chef replies. "Lets just say, the first batch exploded."
"Maybe it exploded because it couldn't contain the deliciousness?" you suggest hopefully. There is a awkward pause that seems to stretch on. "Okay, maybe not." You admit.

Also, grab that key.

>Taking the key and using it on the rightmost top drawer also looks like a potentially profitable idea.

You reach for the alarmingly large key but the chef snaps it up with surprisingly quick reflexes.
"Ummmm...." he says cautiously. "I've got orders. I can't let anyone have that key."
"I'm the Princess!" you say. "I can have whatever key I want."
"Sorry your highness, orders are orders." he says, as though this concludes the matter.

> Draft the chef squid into the army.

"I hereby draft you into the Jormungandrian Army." You say.
"I'm already in the army." The squid retorts. "I got sent in here because I'm apparently unsafe on the battlefield, The General says I can't accidentally kill anyone from the kitchen." He glances down into the pot of simmering green goop. "I wouldn't be so sure." He continued nervously.

Also, aggress that candelabrum. You're armed, you're dangerous, and you're not going to take it anymore!

>It's time to show that candelabrum who's boss. Which is you. With a poker.

Yes, this is it, the shoe is on the other foot now. Now you've got a badass moustache and the swift poker of anti-candelabrum justice. You're going to pound that candelabrum till it pleads for mercy.

SpoilerShow

You grin widely as you survey the wreckage of your destroyed foe. "Take that foul candelabra scum." You whisper at it's mangled corpse.

>Eat Sludge. EAT SLUDGE!!

Against your better judgement you try a bit of the semi-congealed goop that Chef Eaeeijoiuae is cooking up. It's not all that bad actually. You smile warmly at him and he grips the key tighter, apparently believing your approval of his goop is a tactic to get him to part with it.

>Ransack fridge.

>Check yon cooking materials

The cupboards and stuff are mostly full of food and cooking equipment. Pretty useless in terms of adventuring potential. You notice one cupboard stacked full of the regular chef's favourite magazine...

Continue onto the new room.

You walk through the door and out to the outside. The air is hot and the sky, that you can see, burns red. The alley's exit is blocked by a massive black thornvine. It is not made of Blackwood. Nor is the briefcase nor the shady character you see before you.

---

Talk to the shady character.

You walk over to the shady character, who glances furtively from side to side. "Hello!" you say.
"Pssst!" he hisses conspicuously. "Pssst! Over here!" he whispers.
"Uh... hi!" you say.
"Can I interest you in a piñata in the shape of a crab?" he asks.
"Ummm... not really." You respond hesitantly.
"Did I mention the piñata is full of drugs?" he continues shadily.
"No you didn't." You say. "I'm still going to say no but, you know, thanks."

>That stature! Those looks! That attire! Swoon like you've never swooned before.

You have a sudden realisation about the Shady Dealer. He's tall. He's dark. He's potentially handsome... better looking than Dimitri anyway. He's obviously your dream guy and he's been right here under your nose the whole time! You notice you've been so busy staring into the beautiful black void where his eyes probably are that you've missed half of the conversation/sales pitch.



"...or there's Vitanté brand lubricant which is made from the pulped remains of moss pulled from rotted trees and contains real living ants for that little extra kick during." He continues in his conspicuously hushed tones. Suddenly you feel repulsed by this shadowy stranger and wonder why you ever liked him in the first place. He's probably only that shady to cover up some kind of disgusting deformation anyway.

> "Say there, black marketman, how goes shady dealings?"

I guess we should buy some illegal blackwood bark from the shady character

"So black marketman, how goes shady dealings?" you ask.
"Call me Slim." The shady character paused. "I'll be honest, it's not as... lucrative as I had expected. I was working the black markets down in some of the cities and I earned enough to get by, but there's so much competition. I was just about making enough spoons to breakeven. One day I hit across a brilliant idea, that since selling to people with not very many spoons wasn't making me very many spoons I might make very many spoons by selling to people with very many spoons. I thought maybe if trade was good enough I'd be living on my own little tropical island in no time. It's not exactly like that though. The only way I'm staying afloat is selling to that hippy guard with the stupid name."
"Well that was a fascinating bit of exposition." You say. "Now how about some blackwood bark?"
"I've got some of that!" Slim discreetly exclaims. "Here, take a look at my stock."



Finally you have found the elusive Blackwood bark. Now to just take it and be off to unsummon Dimitri and get on with your quest. But wait, what's this? Five spoons for Blackwood bark! What an outrage! According to your intangible spoon cache you currently have a grand total of one spoon.

---

Inquire about Cabbage.

"And you call yourself black market..." you say sceptically.
"Hey!" Slim snaps. "I'll have you know this is the finest black market in the entirity of Castle Jormungandr."
"But... Cabbage?" you ask.
"Cabbage is illegal!" Slim retorts. "You know how illegal this stuff is?! You can get exiled to the Isle of The Snakebears for just looking at one of these."
"No you can't." you say. "And I'm pretty sure there's no such thing as the Isle of the Snakebears."
"That's exactly what they want you to think!" Slim whispers conspiratorially.

> Ask if he's willing to buy anything from you
>Confirm in advance that he's not going to get your soul from this deal

"Is there anything you'd be willing to buy from me?" you ask.
"Yeah... maybe." said Slim. "But it would have to be something pretty damn special. I'm not going to buy any old trash you can find lying around a luxurious castle, you know."



"I just want to make sure of something before we start the whole haggling process." You say.
"Haggling?" Slim asks. "Who said anything about haggling?" You ignore him.
"If I make a deal with you I am not forfeiting my soul am I?" You ask.
"No." Said Slim thoughtfully. "It's something to think about though. I could start my own evil empire, tricking people into selling me their soul then selling it to other crooks on the black market for a nine hundred percent markup..." Slim looks miles away. You figure you'd best snap him out of his soul trader reverie.

> Start low. Offer zero spoons for the blackwood bark.

"I want the Blackwood bark." You say. Slim snaps back to reality.
"Well that's five shiny spoons." He says. "Lets see that crockery."
"I was thinking maybe it might be worth about zero spoons." You say.
"Hmm." Said Slim with exaggerated thoughtfulness. "I'd like to present a counteroffer of five spoons."
"Five spoons is outrageous." You insist. "Zero spoons is so much more reasonable."
"It's five spoons or you can get out of my alley." Slim says.
"This isn't your alley!" you say.
"Is too!" Slim argues. "It's got my name on the wall. I don't see your name on the wall."

>You are royalty. You must have been trained in the oratory arts at least a bit. Talk him down on the price.

You think back to your training in the oratory arts. While you had no formal training your mother, Queen Ragnarok, used to train you for hours at a time. You take a deep breath and prepare to put your skills into action.
"Shut up you stupid dick!" You scream. "I want the blackwood bark and you see me! I'm the goddamn princess! You're going to give me the bark or I'll have your head cut off and put in a little box which I'll carry around with me and when I'm angry I'll open the box and spit in it!" There is a long minute of deathly silence as usually follows a demonstration of your oratory skills.
Eventually Slim breaks the awkward silence. "I... I guess I'll go as low as four spoons! How's that?"

I'm thinking the spoons are locked in that drawer.

You recollect the locked drawer in the kitchen and remember that that is indeed where a good number of spoons are kept. More than enough to pay for this transaction. If only you could get that overzealous chef off your back...

---

> Give the chef one spoon in exchange for the key to the spoon drawer.

You head back into the kitchen and walk up to the chef. As you approach he remembers your attempted key-stealing exploits from before and snatches it away.
"Hello." You say calmly.
The chef watches you suspiciously for a couple of seconds before venturing: "Your highness."
"I'm going to make you an offer that I believe you will consider to be too good to be true. You have never known in your life known an offer as incredibly good as the one you are about to recieve. You'd be a fool to turn it down." Silence. "In exchange for a temporary loan of that key I am willing to give you the grand total of... one spoon."
"One spoon?" the chef repeated incredulously. "Okay assuming for the moment that I am open to bribery, which I'm not thank you very much, why would I accept one spoon when I can use the key myself and avail myself of as many spoons as I'd like?"
"Ah." You say. "That is... a good question... ummm... Let me get back to you on that."

> Buy Cabbage, trade it for the key?

You head back out into the alleyway.
"Okay I'm not buying the Isle of the Snakebears crap but I would like to purchase one cabbage please." You say.
"Thank you kindly." Slim says. "Would you like to open an account with Slim's Black Market Bargains?"
"What would that entail?" you ask suspiciously.
"Oh just give me a couple of details I give you a reward card and if I ever get arrested I can use the details of my customers to cut a deal for myself." Said Slim.
"Erm..." you reply in mock-consideration. "No thanks." Slim hands you the cabbage and you head back inside.



"Hello again." You say to the chef. Silence. "I've brought you a gift." You say hopefully. "It's some cabbage for your soup." The chef looks at you suspiciously. "You were worried about your soup. You want to make it nice and tasty and refreshing for your comrades? This will help."
"Okay." Said the chef warily snatching up the cabbage and dropping it into the pan.
"That's not traditionally how you cook cabbage but whatever." You say. "Can I have the key now?"
"No!" The chef responds, clearly taken aback. "You mean your generous gift of cabbage was a bribe to be given in exchange for the key to the spoon drawer?"
"Ummm... yeah." You say.
"Diabolical!" exclaims the chef. "But I guess thanks in our order for your thoughtful and generous gift, regardless of your deceitful intentions"

>Offer the chef a comfy post on a tropical island or something in exchange for the key.

"How about if I found you a nice comfortable position on a tropical island?" You ask.
"That sounds nice." Says the chef, but stops suddenly. "This is another ploy to get hold of the key isn't it?"
"No." you say. "This is a straight out quid pro quo exchange. You give me the key I promote you to be in charge of a phalanx, consisting of only the most beautiful squidgirls on a tropical island."
"Well..." says the chef. "No. For two reasons: 1) If I wanted to live on a tropical island I could because I could just swim out to one and live on it 2) no I will not accept a bribe." You frown and stomp off into the Great Hall.

Ask General Squid why the key is off limits to everyone.

"General Oioujuoaie?" you ask.
"Your highness?" he replies.
"Why is the spoon drawer off limits to everyone?" you ask.
"They are communal spoons to be used as actual cutlery." He explains. "Therefore allowing anyone who finds their intangible spoon cache to be a little low to just wander up and take as many as they want is undesirable. I'm sure you can appreciate that."
"Well I guess..." You begrudgingly reply.

>Offer your soul for the blackwood bark

You make your way back out to the alleyway.
"Okay." You say. "Here's the situation. I really need that blackwood bark. I am prepared to offer you my soul in exchange for it. Surely that has to be worth more than four spoons."
"Actually." Said Slim. "You don't have a soul. I can tell because all the time you've been talking to me I've been wearing my Soulscope Shades and this is why my eyes have not been visible."
"Well that clears up some issues that absolutely nobody was questioning." You say. "May I put it to you that your Soulscope Shades are faulty and you should seek a refund?"
"You could try but I doubt I would believe you." Slim whispered. "Here's a proposition for you, take my Soulscope Shades. Go out and get me a valuable soul and we'll call it even. Hell if you bring me a really valuable soul I'll even pay you on top of the bark."

You have come up with several ideas of ways to proceed. Each of these courses of action will result in your gaining the blackwood bark you so desperately need but will have other benefits/drawbacks which may not reveal themselves until later in the adventure.
What course of action do you pursue?

1. Tell Slim that you will give him his very own island once you've reclaimed your soul and kingdom if he'll help you along the way.
2. Sell a sample of your DNA
3. Steal and sell the soul of another.

or another course of action altogether?

---

Promise him an island

"I know I have no soul and everything but even so I think stealing the souls of others so I can continue the quest to recover my own is a bit too evil for my blood." You say. "And also somewhat hypocritical now that I think about it."
"I understand. The life of a greedy self-serving salesman who cares only about his own profit margins and naught about the moral implications of situations is not for everyone." Slim admitted.
"I'm going to level with you." you say matter-of-factly. "I'm on a quest to travel into the deepest darkest depths of Hell and reclaim my soul. I need that blackwood bark and I'll probably need more stuff that you can supply along the way."
"So... what?" asks Slim. "You want to talk a sponsorship deal? Slim's Black Market Bargains: official sponsor of your trip to Hell?"
"No." you say. "If you're willing to help me out throughout my journey I will give you, in exchange, that tropical island you've always wanted." Slim looked thoughtful for a couple of seconds.
"Can it be a bit bigger than the one in my imagination?" he asks. "That one is nice but there's not really enough room to build a house or anything and I can't be expected to just stand there all day long looking conspicuous." You nod. "Then I think we have a deal." he says with a grin. "I'll give you the blackwood bark for free and a massive fifty percent discount on anything else you buy from Slim's within the foreseeable future." You receive a piece of blackwood bark.



Hooray! You finally have your precious blackwood bark. What next?

---

>Victory dance. Obviously...

>Dance awkwardly

In celebration you proceed to do the monkey in a very awkward and badly animated way.

> Return to the War Room.

> Go use the bark for the purpose it was intended!

Remember that demon... you should probably deal with it now.

After you eventually get bored of that you make your way back to the War Room clutching tightly your hard won blackwood bark. As you approach you can hear the raised voices of Dimitri and Fenrir screaming at one another.



"You imbecile!" yells Dimitri. "The answer was clearly Jaws! There is no such film as facehole!"
"What do you know you stupid ugly demon thing!" screams Fenrir. "You're not even a proper demon!"
"And what do proper demons look like?" Dimitri demands. "Like you? With stupid red horns and an even more ridiculous prosthetic tail? And I don't even want to know how that's staying in place!"
"I'll have you know that this is the very height of fashion!" Fenrir yells. "A concept that a stupid ugly ignorant hell dwelling demon thing like you wouldn't understand."
"Well if that isn't the imbecilic repulsive moron calling the kettle black I don't know what is!" Dimitri shouts. "Your fashion sense is about as up to date as you are intelligent. By which I mean that your fashion sense is not at all up to date!"
"You want to come over here and say that?" Fenrir yells. "You have to be the single most pathetic demon I have ever seen! You've been hanging around here for ages now and you've not killed or even maimed anyone! I don't think you have the stones!"
"Oh is that how you want it?" Dimitri retorts. "Because you can have it like that if you want. I only need one of you to send me back down to Hell..."
This is getting a bit much. You decide to step in before Fenrir gets herself disembowelled.



You hold aloft the blackwood bark and chant the chant that you rather fortuitously memorized the first time you looked at the book. Within seconds the snarling saliva oozing monstrosity that is Dimitri vanishes back to the hell from whence he came. Your blackwood bark is reduced to a pile of ash.
"That was so worth an entire island." you mutter crossly.



"Jormy, Hel..." Fenrir says. "I ummm... I know you two have this war with Hell alliance thing going on." she pauses. "Well I want in. That demon bastard said that my fashion sense was... not good!" she shudders "And that is just one step too far! Demons are hateful bitter twisted monsters and they all need to die!"
"Okay." said Hel. "You're in."
"Hang on, don't I get a say in this?" you ask.
"Seriously Jor?" asks Hel. "You're going to vote no against your own sister?"
"Erm... well..." you hesitate. "Well no, but it's nice to be asked." You pause. "Okay Fen, you're in."


Princess Fenrir has joined Team Jormungandr.


Fenrir grins widely. "Okay." she says. "Now are you going to Hell or what? It seems like you've been faffing around the palace for ages now."
"Hey I'm trying." You say. "Dimitri said that opening a portal to Hell was far above his abilities. So we need a better demon." You spontaenously decide to check the notes segment of your yPhone for details on your current objectives.

SpoilerShow

I say we wait for our Demon Clone first, just to see if we can control it.

You make your way back to your bedroom to check up on the status of your half-demon clone. She's still something of a work in progress. You always find it somewhat disconcerting to see your face minus the skin, with all the bone and muscle and nerves and brain exposed... You distract yourself by musing that if your life were some kind of game then this would clearly be the kind of thing that would be story based. Like you have to achieve so much progress in the story before the clone would be complete. Huh, what an incredibly bizarre thing to spontaneously think about.

I think Rhiny should be our priority. > Go back to your room with a stack of books to stand on. Ask Fenrir to come with you and fend off the candelabra.

Rhiny! Of course! He's still in peril! You should rescue him from his precarious situation amongst the fiendish candelabra as soon as possible.



Although you had this rather awesome idea of getting books to stand on, which would simultaneously be long winded and not very sturdy, you decide instead to use the more obvious climbing apparatus, the stool from your dresser on the other side of the room. You don't know why you didn't think of that before. Anyway, you smack the diabolical candelabrum to the side thus clearing the path to retrieve Rhiny.



You hug Rhiny tightly. "Don't worry" you say. "I won't let any more nasty candelabra get to you." You suddenly feel very childish and are glad that there was nobody around to see that unnecessary display of affection.

> Abscond with the spoon on the table.

You head back to the War Room to grab that spoon you spotted earlier. Ding! There's another spoon for the intangible spoon cache. You briefly wonder whether it would have been simpler to just collect spoons until you had enough for that blackwood bark. You're fairly sure you had seen enough spoons by that point to purchase the bark without too much hassle.

> Read a Cloning Manual (the one for beginners, preferrably) on the way to the Guard's Quarters.

Having saved Rhiny from his fate you decide to reshuffle your priorities. It's obviously time to learn how to be a better Cloner. Or Clonist. You never did find out what the official terminology for someone who clones is. You walk to the bookshelf and select Cloning for Beginners.



Wait, this isn't Cloning for Beginners. This is Clowning for Beginners - The Extra Bleak Edition. While it might be useful if you ever have to learn how to properly throw a custard pie it isn't going to be much help with creating a perfect genetic duplicate of yourself.

---

Learn a clowntech.

You find that this dire tome full of grim lessons about the sombre fate of those who would aspire to be clowns is oddly inspirational and flick through it's pages hoping to learn some kind of skill which you would be able to put to good use at some point in your travels. Since you do not know the precise nature of the threats and challenges you will face on your journey the choice is difficult. You wonder what skill would suit you best: the ability to fit into a tiny car with eleven others, the ability to fall over a lot or the know-how of how to squirt a plastic flower into a man's face. In the end you decide to go with neither of these silly options and choose instead to learn how to accurately throw custard pies. You reason that at the very least this skill will probably translate to the throwing of other items.



In celebration, and because you never want to glance at this depressing book again, you throw the book into a rarely used corner of the room using your newly refined throwing techniques.

>Open a page in Twilight which happens to have the word "candelabrum" all over the page. Flip out and attempt to dispose of the book.

Oddly enough whenever you so much as glance at Twilight you seem to be getting these bizarre urges to destroy it in unlikely ways. You pick it up and resolve that if by sheer chance you open it up to a page which has nothing but the word candelabrum printed on it then you will destroy it and never think of it again.



Bizarrely enough you don't open it on a page containing nothing but the world candelabrum. You decide to throw it into the same dark corner as Clowning for Beginners in the hopes of sating those destructive urges you've been having

>Surely you're ready for Incredibly Advanced Cloning Techniques for Geniuses

Screw trying to read the Cloning Manuals in order! You come to the conclusion that they probably only print them in tiers of difficulty to squeeze as much money from you as possible. You reckon that anyone with a basic knowledge in how the cloning process works and sufficient determination will eventually be able to suss out the valuable secrets of Incredibly Advanced Cloning Techniques for Geniuses.



How wrong are you? You don't even understand the words in this book. It looks like it uses it's own specialised cloning language that only incredibly skilled clone... makers (you really should find out what people who make clones are called) can understand. Wait, what shenanigans is this? You had the book upside down. No wonder it seemed so complicated. Once you've turned it the right way up these incredibly advanced cloning techniques will no doubt become clear and you will be the best cloner (?) of all time.



Oh no. It's still too complicated for you to understand. As if it wasn't bad enough that that clowning book made you miserable now this one's making you feel like an idiot.

>Pick up Cloning for Ultra-Beginners.

Brush up on your cloning for ultra beginners.

You read the first couple of pages of Cloning for Ultra-Beginners before closing it in annoyance. These cloning manuals are beginning to try your patience.

---

> Skip to chapter on Combining DNA. If still unhelpful, proceed to guard room.

Although I find it hard to believe the Ultra-Beginner book is that large, yet has nothing on DNA combining.

This is a profoundly unhelpful book. You throw it into Rejection Corner. You briefly wonder why a book with so little information could be so thick and then you remember that a few years ago you passed a law indicating that the thickness of books should be dictated not by their contents but by how thick they have to be to comfortably fit the book's name on the spine. You also proclaimed that the names on the spines of books should read upwards instead of downwards which is common practice everywhere else in the world. You aren't sure why you did that. You suspect you may have been drunk.

> Peruse Cloning Strategems of Intermediate Difficulty. Make certain to read the chapter on combining DNA and how to do it properly.

You have a good feeling about Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty. You are certain that this is the book that will teach you not only how to be a great cloner, but what the correct word to describe people who clone things actually is. You reach for it.



Hang on, this isn't Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty. This isn't Cloning Stratagems of any difficulty. This is your well worn copy of... erm... in fact now you look more closely at it you're certain this is a book you've never seen before in your entire life. You recall how you switched the jackets... you mean you theorize how someone else probably switched the jackets so that it would allow them to look like they were reading up on cloning while they were doing something else altogether. You quickly throw this unfamiliar and alarmingly explicit book into your rejected bookery. You guess that since Cloning Stratagems of an Intermediate Difficulty will have the jacket of... that unfamiliar book... you'll probably find it amongst the possessions of one of your guardsquids.

> read HAM! book

Ham it up!

>Get your Ham down and jiggy with it. Ham it up like you've never Hammed before.

You recycle the thought bubble and posture from the last time you thought about reading that Ham book. This is so not an appropriate time for ham.

> Also, upgrade your mustache to something much more elaborate and regal.

You decide that this ridiculous moustache, insensitively drawn with the ink from one of your guardsquids who was loyal to his last choking gasp, just isn't cutting it any more. You try to upgrade it to a fancy moustache and beard combination but you just end up making a mess. Now you just look silly.

>To the Guard Quarters then. Take Rhiny with you.

You grab Rhiny and head across to the Guard's Quarters. The mumbling which piqued your interest so long ago has now passed replaced by the sound of someone offering up a tuneless rendition of Free Bird. You decide to head straight into the pool and find out what's going on in there.



The source of the mumbling/singing appears to be coming from a squid sporting a green headband and endeavouring to smoke some kind of roll-up underwater. You reckon this might be 'that hippy guard' that Slim mentioned a while ago. You have the impression that if you'd investigated this pool back when you were desperately searching for blackwood bark maybe this hippy guard might have given you the vaguest of inclinations in where to search for illegal items and thus the blackwood bark that you craved. You also wonder whose insane idea it was to place a candelabrum on top of a cupboard in a swimming pool. Oh and the water washed off your silly inky facemess.

---

Swim down and look in the cupboard underwater

>Look inside cupboard.

You swim cautiously over to the cupboard, keeping your eye on that candelabrum as you do so. You pull open the doors to reveal it is some kind of weapons cupboard empty but for a pistol with a single bullet. You decide to keep a hold of it in case you need to off yourself at some point. You really wish you had an inventory.

>Greet the hippie squid.

"Hey there." you say to the hippie squid. He jumps with surprise and looks in your direction.
"Don't sneak up on me!" he wails plaintively. "I could have been in combat ready mode. I'd have killed you before I even knew what was happening!" He adds uncertainly.
"I didn't sneak up on you." You protest. "I swam past you on my way to get this gun."
"Oh shit!" he says anxiously. "Oh shit you've got a gun!"
"Yeah?" you say.
"Dude!" he exclaims. "Dude! You've got a gun!"
"This has already been established." you say.
"Erm..." he paused. "Umm..." another pause. "Nevermind. Are we off to fuck shit up then?" You roll your eyes and come to the conclusion that this squid is seriously wasted. Extracting any kind of information from him is going to be tricky. You think you might very well give it a miss as you're not sure what information you'd want from him at the moment anyway. What are you doing in here for that matter? Maybe you should get back to summoning that better demon so you can get to Hell and get your soul back?

---

>Shoot the candelabrum

You consider using your single bullet to shoot a terrifying, but nonetheless inanimate object. You think for a moment and decide that you can't see any potential sequence of events which would lead to a situation where you seriously have to off yourself and so you take aim at the hideous candelabrum...



...and fire. The bullet richochets off the candelabrum and buries itself harmlessly in the wall. The candelabrum defies physics by being both heavy and metallic enough to survive a bullet with only a scratch and light and woodish enough to float around on the water.

...an extreme close up of it's anguished features.

Suddenly an alarmingly large closeup of the hippy guard's face shows that he hasn't even noticed your ineffectual gunplay.

>He probably has that one book that is actually yours, not the one that totally isn't at all.

"Have you ever looked at your tentacles? I mean, really looked at them?"

"Hey have you ever looked at your tentacles? I mean, really looked at them?" You ask.
"What?" the squid responds flexing his tentacles. "Whoa. What the hell are these things?" He stares blankly at them. While he's distracted examining his appendages you swim down and rifle through his stuff.



There's no sign of the cloning manual with the erroneous book jacket. And unless you're into photos of female squid with massive nidamental glands (which you are totally not thank you very much) then he has nothing useful in his immediate vicinity. Actually now that you think about it if he was in possession of your cloning manual with erroneous book cover it'd probably be in his locker because if it was down here it would be soaked through and ruined. Honestly you can't even begin to imagine what kind of crazy person would think to look for a book underwater.

>Research in the cloning manual what kind of demon can actually be used to open a portal to hell. The smallest in power that can do it.

You make your way back to the War Room and glance through the nearest cloning manual. After a few minutes you get annoyed. This cloning manual is useless. It doesn't even mention demons, nevermind what kind can open a portal to hell. You decide to take a glance in the demonology tome instead.



This tome is almost as useless but for providing far too much information. After a few minutes spent furtively searching through the pages you start to develop a headache and flip back to the summoning demons segment of the book. After the Trivial Monstrosity there's a Trivial Succubus, then a Trivial Nerveshredder. You're getting pretty sick of this whole endeavour now. You feel this book is probably designed for people who are making a lifestyle choice to summon demons, rather than someone who needs a specific demon for a specific thing. You decide you can probably afford to skip all these trivial demons. You can't imagine any of them being able to open a portal to hell. You flip forwards until you reach the chapter of the book marked Advanced Summoning.



That sounds more like it. You pause thoughtfully and flip forward to the unsummoning rituals chapter. It takes you a couple of minutes to locate a Mindruiner because it's not where you would imagine it should be.



It turns out you'll need some Haterock to unsummon this thing. Haterock being rock that was once walked upon by the Titan Hate and has since been imbued with an aura of overwhelming hatred... You're absolutely certain you don't have any of that and you have no idea where you'd find any of it. Plus you're under siege by demons so getting hold of it wouldn't exactly be a walk in park. And actually you've never even heard of a Titan called Hate before. And you're not even certain that Titans were real. There's that headache again.
"Oh, fuck this" you mutter to yourself. "I've had enough of these demons and their stupid unsummoning rituals." You flick through the book until you stumble across a chapter entitled Super Advanced Summoning



Oh well, you're invariably going to have to summon some kind of thing you have no control over. Might as well make it a good one.



You head over to the pentagram, replace the monstrosity symbol with the mischief spirit symbol and begin to chant.

SpoilerShow

The mischief spirit resembles a fox made out of some kind of roiling black gas.
"Oh." It says, surprised. "Princess Jormungandr. I'm honoured. How can I help you?"

---

>Open with a crafty, expectations defying joke to attempt to gain favor with the mischief spirit.

You think maybe you can outfox (so to speak) this mischief spirit. Beat it at its own chaotic game. You decide to open with one of your favourite jokes. "I wanted some advice. I was at the market the other day and there was this venison supposedly on sale. Eight legs for twenty pounds. I was thinking of buying some but I wasn't sure... is that too dear?"
"That is pretty great.
"Excellent." The mischief spirit responds sarcastically. "That really was great. I'd totally love to make this a regular appointment... no really."

> "Portal to hell would be niiiiiiiiiiii Hang on, how do you..."

> Become distracted and grab that spoon behind you. Refocus.

> "...How do you know my name?"

"No, but for seriously now." You say, somewhat more confident. "What I really need is a portal to..." You pause struck by the memory of something valuable close by. "Hang on."
"Yeah sure I'm sure you've got hundreds of things better to do, don't mind me." The mischief spirit mutters to itself, as you turn around a grab the spoon from the desk nearby. It makes a satisfying clink as it drops into your intangible spoon cache. "Now where were we?" You say, turning around.



"You were asking for a poral to somewhere." the mischief spirit replies nonchalantly. "Did you know your pentagram is damaged? Really should have cleaned up that goop. Damn monstrosities can't keep their fluids inside their bodies it is pretty gross." The mischief spirit's attention snaps back to you. "You shouldn't blame yourself you know, I'd have gotten out eventually." The spirit paused thoughtful and when it continued it's voice seemed almost mournful. "But it would have been fun, watching you run around desperately searching for things to unsummon me with. I've always wanted to kill you, you know. You don't of course but nevermind. It was nice knowing you Princess."



"Aww..." The mischief spirit says. "You are so adorable. You should have seen the look on your face when you thought I was going to kill you..."
"What do you want?!" you demand angrily.
"Chill out." The mischief spirit replies dismissively. "I'm not going to kill you, not yet anyway. You are far too much fun. No at the moment I am just curious." the mischief spirit paused. "We know about you on the ninth floor. Tchort is such a bore he hasn't shut up about this for weeks. He's all about invading the surface; taking this principality as his own. Me, I'm more curious as to how you are up here and down there at the same time. What's going on Princess?"

---

Fenrir and Hel: Look over at your sister, wave, and continue with whatever you're doing on the otherside of the room...

You look to your sisters for help in this alarming situation but all you get in return is a friendly wave before they go back to whatever it is they're doing over there. God you are so glad they're on your team.

>Don't tell him anything. The only reason you're alive is because you're interesting. Shrug enigmatically and ask him why you should tell.

"Why should I tell you anything?" You ask, suddenly striking a previously undiscovered seam of courage. The mischief spirit paused and the menace came back into it's eyes.
"Because stubborn people aren't very interesting." It said. "You're pretty good Princess, like an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a shapeless red dress. But this is the Surface!" It grinned. "I bet I could find ten things just as interesting as you before breakfast." another pause. "Well?"

"Recreational Cloning."

>"CLONES!"

"Clones!" You yelp. "It was clones! I cloned myself with cloning and now I'm a clone!"
"Huh." said the mischief spirit, slowly. "That wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it would be... Have you ever noticed that? Like on TV, whenever there's a big mystery the real explanation is never as awesome as the ridiculously overcomplicated ones you come up yourself?" Another pause and, if the mischief spirit could shrug then you'd be prepared to bet that it would have done so right about now. "Oh well, nevermind. Seeya in Hell Princess."

>"So, uh... think you could lend a hand? It would be sure to cause mischief in the underworld!"

"Wait!" You proclaim suddenly. The mischief spirit pauses and glares at you. "I have a proposition."
"A proposition?" asked the mischief spirit. "What do you have to bargain with?"
"I have the opportunity for some real fun." You say. There is a long pause.
"I'm listening..." The mischief spirit says.
"Let me go and open a portal to Hell for me." You say.
"And that's fun because of... what?" asked the mischief spirit.
"I'm going to go to Hell to get my soul and my kingdom back." You say. "I will crush anything that stands in my way and since I'm given to understand that my soul is right at the very bottom of Hell in the fiery depths of the ninth circle then there's going to be a whole lot in my way that's going to get crushed and once I get there I plan on finding Tchort and ripping his creepy head off."
"That..." the mischief spirit paused. "That does sound like fun, if only to watch how miserably you fail." There was a long pause. "Okay I'm in." The mischief spirit grinned.


The Mischief Spirit has joined Team Jormungandr.



"I'm not called The Mischief Spirit" protested the Mischief Spirit.
"Well?" You ask irritatably. "What do you expect me to call you if you don't tell me your name?"
"The name's Riubyyk'n." said the Mischief Spirit Riubyyk'n. "Although you mortals tend to find names that long a little unwieldy."
"You realise you're talking to Princess Lisa Jormungandr?" you ask.
"Good point." Riubyyk'n concedes. "Call me Rubi anyway. For the sheer giddy thrill of it."


Rubi has joined Team Jormungandr.

> Then initiate hugs/snorgles.

I couldn't help noticing a dangerous absense of hugs.

"Much better." said Rubi. "Now about this Portal to Hell..." You cut Rubi short with a massive hug. "What was that for?" Rubi continues.
"Not sure." You say. "I've been having this odd impulse to hug you ever since you first appeared. Now seemed like an appropriate moment." You pause. "You were saying? About the Portal to Hell?"
"I was thinking, are you one hundred percent sure you want a Portal to Hell." Rubi asks. "Wouldn't prefer a Portal to the Afterlife?"

---

> ...What's the difference, exactly?

"...What's the difference exactly?" you ask.
"Well a portal to the Afterlife opens into a sort of purgatorial area where you then make your way to Hell while a portal to Hell sets opens directly into Hell." Rubi explains.
"So I go through to the Afterlife and then I probably have to go through some kind of absurd trials to get to Hell or something?" you ask. "Why would I do that when I can go straight there?"
"The thing about portals is that you can go through them either way." Rubi explained. "And don't get me wrong, I personally don't care for those women over there, I have a feeling you might be upset should they get torn limb from limb by an army of demons. I also have a feeling that should I let that happen I'd probably be the one to get the blame."
"...Yeah." you reply. "When you put it like that the Afterlife sounds pretty good. Let's do that."



"Right." said Rubi. "In order to open a portal to the Afterlife I need two things."
"Oh yeah?" you say sarcastically. "Here we go. Time for the pointless fetch quests I presume."
"I can perform the ritual but you know what it's like with rituals. You have to chant some obscure word in that stupid pointy demon language. It's a stupid language, every damn letter looks the damn same." Rubi says "If you happened to have a copy of The Mortumbris Abyssex then I could look it up."
"Okay fine." You say thoughtfully. "I suppose it's conceivable that there might be a copy in the library." You pause and add: "Not on the bookcase there, I mean in the library down the hall. It's a very big library with lots of books." You're about to head off when Rubi interrupts you.



"We're not done yet." Rubi says. "I need something from Hell."
"Why?" you ask. "You're not even opening a portal to Hell!"
"Well technically it just has to be from the afterlife but I figure the way your principality is at the moment you're more likely to have access to something from Hell than from Heaven." Rubi says.
"Is that it?" you ask after a long thoughtful pause.
"No actually, there's just one more thing I'll need to open the portal." Rubi paused.



"I need a human sacrifice. At a pinch a mostly human sacrifice will suffice." Rubi grins as she watches you process this new information.
"Is that everything?" you ask eventually. Rubi nods. "Out of interest what would it take to make a portal to Hell?"
"I can just conjure those at will once I'm on the surface. Want to see?" Rubi asks with a sly grin.
"No thanks." you say quickly. "So a copy of the Morblegorble Guide, something from Hell and a human sacrifice? I best get to work."



"Oh no wait I just thought of something else." said Rubi.
"I thought you said that was everything to make the portal?" you ask.
"It is, I'm just thinking ahead." said Rubi. "You'll need gold coins for the ferryman, or else you'll just end up wandering around the afterlife like an idiot hunting for gold coins and I don't think that would be very entertaining to anyone, least of all me." You sigh impatiently.
"So that's definately everything?" you ask uncertainly.
"Yeah that's all." Rubi replies.



"Except..." Rubi mumbles. You sigh.
"Except what?"
"Promise you won't snap at me?" Rubi says timidly.
"What is it?" you ask exasperatedly.
"Promise?"
"Okay fine." you say. "I promise."



"Well no offence but you don't look like you could fight off a cold." said Rubi. "You're going to need some help. Someone stronger, and faster, and who isn't weighed down by what I can only hope is holiday weight." You snarl at Rubi.
"I can handle myself." You say icily.
"I saw you in Hell." Rubi says. "And well... I hope you've learnt how to handle yourself since then." she paused. "Look, just trust me and get yourself a bodyguard."
"Fine." you say bitterly. "So that's everything then? That book you mentioned, something from Hell, a human sacrifice, some gold coins and a bodyguard."
"Yes." said Rubi. "Ceremonial robes are nice if you can get them but are not really necessary."



"Wait a second." Rubi says. You sigh.
"What is it now?" you ask impatiently.
"Oh no. I was getting mixed up with the ritual to summon a delicious cup of tea. They're surprisingly similar." she grins. "That's everything. For reals this time."

SpoilerShow

Where is the library? Can we get a map? Jormy should know her way around her own palace well.

SpoilerShow

Ask Hel and Fenrir if either of them are useful for any of those things.

"Hey Jor." says Hel. "Another new friend?"
"This is Rubi." you say. "He's...? erm... She's...? erm..." You shoot Rubi an inquisitive look.
"I'm made out of crazy black demon gas!" Rubi replies. "Gender is more or less optional for me."
"Just go with she." interrupts Hel. "Rubi is really not a guy's name."
"Okay." you say. "She's a mischief spirit and she's helping me go to Hell."
"Why?" Fenrir snaps rather uncharacteristically. "Why would a demon help you do anything?"
"It'll be fun." Rubi replies.
"I don't trust her!" Fenrir snaps. "Demons are bad! And they have poor fashion sense. I hate them!"


"Excuse me!" you interrupt. "Putting any misgivings about our latest team member aside would either of you happen to have a copy of the...? erm...?"
"Mortumbris Abyssex." Rubi says.
"Yeah... that." you say. "Or something from Hell, a human sacrifice, some gold coins or a bodyguard?" There is a long pause and you sigh. "Yeah I didn't think so. It's been one of those kind of days."
"Actually." says Hel. "I have some gold coins from my kingdom where, believe it or not, we use them as actual currency."
"Yeah, so what do I have to do for you before you'll give them to me?" you ask. "You want me to figure out the exchange rate and then swap a suitable number of spoons for them?"
"Nah, fuck that." says Hel. "I can always mint more." she slides the gold coins across the table to you.
"Huh." you say snatching up the coins. "That was much easier than expected."


"This is the point where I really wish this dress had pockets... or some kind of intangible coin cache." you mutter to yourself.
"No inventory huh?" asks Rubi.
"Nope." you say.
"Sucks for you." Rubi says.
"I'll probably have to go on a stupid quest to get myself an inventory now." you say bitterly.
"Maybe..." says Rubi. "Or just share my inventory."
"Excuse me?" you ask.
"Heading off on a quest to get an inventory sounds a bit tedious." says Rubi. "We can get to the good stuff quicker if you just use mine. Just don't touch my stuff."


You put the gold coins and the lipstick, which has been conveniently flickering in and out of existence, into Rubi's inventory. "Well that was surprisingly easy." you say. You pause thoughtfully. "I don't suppose that could count as my thing from Hell?" Rubi shoots you a glare. "Yeah didn't think so."

>Use that dimitri drool for the thing from hell.

You collect some monstrosity saliva in an empty champagne glass and offer it to Rubi. She shakes her head.
"And why not?" you ask. "It's from Hell. It's demon saliva!"
"It's not from Hell exactly though." Rubi says. "That portion of demon saliva is from a demon who is from Hell yeah, but it was slobbered out while he was on the surface." You frown crossly. "Cheer up Princess. Your Principality is being invaded, there's gotta be something from hell around here somewhere."

(Monstrosity Saliva In A Champagne Glass is added to Rubi's inventory)

Ask what else you would need to summon a delicious cup of tea...good tea is hard to find around here.

"Out of interest... what would we need to summon a delicious cup of tea?" you ask.
"Well aside from the tome and the human sacrifice we'd need the heart of a newly born child and the blood of a thousand innocents." says Rubi. There is a long pause where you try to work out if Rubi is being entirely honest.
"That... that sounds like a bit much for a cup of tea." you say critically.
"I think you do not grasp just how delicious this cup of tea is." Rubi replies.

> Ask General Oioujuoaie if he wants to accompany you.

You make your way out to the Great Hall and up to The General who is gazing out across the ink splattered battlefield that is the rest of the Great Hall.
"General I need someone to..." you start.


As the General turns around he spots Rubi and readies his assault rifle.
"Wait!" you exclaim. "Rubi's on our side."
"You what?" the General asks. "A demon on our side? This is a war against demon's yr'highness."
"I know, but Rubi's okay...ish." you say. "She's helping me get into Hell to retrieve my soul."
"I'm not sure about this." the General replies. "You sure you ain't been struck down by some kind of Demon Madness? Look I'll make it simple. I'll kill this demon then we can get you checked out make sure you're okay."
"No." you say. "Rubi IS on our side. I've not been struck down by any kind of Madness..." you pause. "...plus Rubi is like made of gas or something, I'm not sure how effective you're going to be."
"Well I'm sure at the very least it won't like it. Teach it a lesson for messing with the heads of young impressionable Princesses. Stand out of the way and lets get this over with." says the General. "Quick fore it slits your throat and wears your head as a helmet."
"None of your friends like me." Rubi says. "If I wasn't a cold-hearted monster I might be kind of upset about this."
"Well..." you think for a moment, "...Hel didn't launch into a barrage of insults against you. In her book that makes you like family."
"Your highness, I feel it would be in your best interests to stop talking to that demon." the General says. "I think it is trying to brainwash you into being it's unwitting pawn."
"Listen, General, it really isn't." you say. "Name one time in the entirety of human history when a helpful female demon called Rubi has actually turned out to be evil. You can't do it I know. It's just never happened."
"Hmm..." The General pauses. "Well that's true enough... Hang on! Now you're trying to brainwash me to be this demon's unwitting pawn! Get out of the way your highness." You sigh, come to the conclusion that this isn't going to let up any time soon and decide to press on with asking The General to come with you.


"General I need someone to come with me to Hell as my bodyguard." you say. The General pauses in his efforts to blast Rubi and looks at you.
"I'm sorry but I simply cannot leave my army at the moment, not with this demon war going on." The General says. "Not without leaving someone else in charge of the army."
"Well do that then." you say.
"There's only one soldier who I would consider able to lead the army while I'm gone." says The General. "Iaoijeuaio is his name."
"Well go and prepare him then." You say. "We're not heading out right this minute."


"There is a bit of a problem." The General admits. "Iaoijeuiao possesses a brilliant military mind, but he wastes it. He rots it away with drugs and green headbands. He is unreliable and does not believe in the cause for which he fights." he pauses. "My efforts to bring out the best in him have fallen flat. If you can bring out the best in him, convince him to fight for his country then I shall accompany you to Hell."
"Okay." you sigh. "Go and motivate some junkie squid to be the general of my army. Peice of cake, obviously."
"Now... if you wouldn't mind moving aside and letting me let that demon have it?" the General asks.
"Come on Rubi." you say. "Lets get out of here."

>Go check on Demongandr. She might be able to assist you, maybe even have some fancy connections.

"Where are we going now?" Rubi asks in a sing song manner.
"Off to check up on my latest clone." you say. "She's half demon so she's going to be super awesome."
"Oh...?" Rubi enquires. She pauses thoughtfully. "This is gonna be good. I just know it."


You head back to your bedroom and see that your half demon clone is not going quite as expected. She is not yet 100% complete but judging by what you see you guess it won't be long (but probably too long to wait when there are other things you can be doing) before she is.


"She... ummm... doesn't look anything like how I imagined." you say.
"You used the monstrosity saliva didn't you." Rubi says, it is not a question. "And you assumed all demon DNA is the same because we are all essentially the same. You demon racist." She pauses. "I bet you imagined you were getting a cool demon version of yourself with jet black hair and black eyes and magic shooting out of her fingers."
"...yeah." You admit.
"You are so adorable." Rubi says grinning. "Before you ask... no you cannot have any of my DNA. I don't even think I have DNA; crazy black demon gas you understand."

---

Ask Rubi where those lungs came from, and if the owner might have had valuable DNA.

"You know those lungs?" you ask.
"Lungs?" Rubi asks innocently.
"The ones in your inventory?" you continue.
"Hey!" Rubi snaps. "Didn't I tell you not to go messing with my stuff?"
"I didn't!" you protest. "I was just curious."
"Oh..." says Rubi, more calmly. "That's okay then."



"So... the lungs?" you persist.
"The inventory lungs?" Rubi asks. "What about them?"
"Whose are they?" you ask.
"Some hotshot demon summoner thought he was powerful enough to control me." Rubi says. "Mix? Mex? Max? Yeah probably Max."
"Oh..." you say. "Well that's nice. Remind me not to get on your bad side."

> Go talk to Iaoijeuaio and convince him to fight

No Convince him to be your body guard. The general's a jerk.

I'd rather have Iaoueaouiaioeoeoaiiiajo close to us, where we can keep an eye on him.

You make your way back to the Guard's Quarters to speak to Iaoijeuaio. He looks more lucid than before. You're currently unsure of whether you want him to be your bodyguard in Hell or whether you'd prefer him to take over the military up here and have The General come with you. You decide that in order to achieve either objective you would have to motivate him to fight for his country so you can figure out precisely which one you want later. Now is the time for motivating drug addicted hippies to be effective soldiers.



"Hey Iaoijeuaio." you say. The squid looks in your direction. "Have you ever considered fighting for your country?" He stares at you for a couple of seconds.
"No what really? Fighting for my country you say? Like in an army or something? I shall have to give that some serious consideration." He says sarcastically.
"Why aren't you out there fighting demons then?" you press on.
"Hey, it's not like I wanted to be in this army in the first place." Iaoijeuaio snaps. "I got conscripted." he pauses. "Only I'm not sure it's conscription when you're just swimming along minding your own business and this big net scoops you up, drags you and all your friends out of the water and then imprisons you in an army training camp, robbing us of our individuality until we might as well not have names any more. You can fight your own demons bitchwhore."

SpoilerShow

You are Princess Adelle Midgardsormr. You wake up and rub your head. What a weird dream. Hopefully you'll think twice about getting out your midnight cheeseboard in the future. Anyway never mind that, today's a very important day. Today's the day that you... erm... fuck! You've forgot! What is it you're supposed to be doing today?

---

Sell your soul to a demon in exchange for remembering what you were supposed to be doing today.

You don't see any demons around here, also you refuse to believe anyone could be so stupid as to sell their soul for something so trivial.

Making an android that is identical to yourself in every way.

You already have an android that is identical to yourself in every way.



...



You hate that android.

You're filling your room full of candelabra. You have been known to “fucking love candelabra”

You already did that yesterday... You figure you probably don't need that to go to that side of the room anyway.

Weren't you going to visit your brother Hades?

You suddenly remember your dear brother Hades and feel sad. You remember the good times you used to have with him before that tragic accident with that exploding harmonica took him away from you. Oh how you miss him.



Suddenly you have an excellent idea. You will visit Hades! Never mind that he's dead, you'll visit him in the very depths of Hell if you have to.

Dig a hole

Oh yeah that's right you were supposed to be digging a hole today in celebration of National Hole Digging Day. Nevermind that. You've got more important things to be doing now. You have to find some way to get to Hell.

Retrieve vibrators from drawers.

You suddenly realise you've been awake for about five minutes and you haven't orgasmed yet. You rush to your bedside drawers.



Nothing in here but this M134 General Electric Minigun. Oh and some severed arms. They're pretty gross. You decide to leave them in the drawers.

---

>Haul the minigun into the library and scream at the librarian "TELL ME HOW TO GET TO HELL OR I'M SENDING YOU THERE!"

You briefly consider hauling the M134 General Electric Minigun around with you but decide instead of carrying it around in an unwieldy manner, to simply store it in your inventory. You know, like normal people do.



Anyway you decide to go and shout at the librarian under the assumption that he knows a way into Hell. This is the best idea ever. There's no possible way it could fail.



...

---

>Oh, hey, look. It's that demon who keeps trying to buy your soul. Punch him in the stomach and shove him out of the way. You've got librarians to terrorize.

"Hey Mid." says the demon. "What's up?"
"Back foul demon!" You cry and make the sign of the cross at it. "You shall not feast upon my succulent soul!"
"Pardon?" the demon asks raising an inquisitive eyebrow.
"Oh it's just you, Ames." you say, "I got you confused with this other demon that's been trying to get me to sell my soul to it." You pause for a second to wonder why you didn't recognise your bestest friend in the whole world before deciding that that kind of detail is completely irrelevant.
"For the last time my name is Amy." the demon says wearily, as if going through the motions of a conversation that has been particuarly well trod. "Not Ames, or 'Amish or Amington or any other silly variation on my name."
"Amy is an awful name for a demon." you sneer.
"Amy is a fine demonic name." Amy retorts. “I was named after Amy who was a president of Hell. He ruled over thirty six demonic legions and it was said that having taken the shape of a man 'he maketh one marvelous in astrologie, and in all the liberall sciences'." Amy pauses awkwardly. "Okay I don't know what that bit means either but the point is clear."
"It is?" you ask.
"Yes." Amy insists. "It is that Amy is a great name for a demon and that you really shouldn't be making fun of people's names."
"Yeah?" you say. "Well, your head looks silly." Amy glares at you for a minute and then sighs.

>Ask him if he can give you a hand. Chortle rudely.

"We could stand here and dispense incredibly childish insults at one another all day or we could go outside and dig some holes." Amy suggests.
"Nah." you say. "I'm not doing that. I was just on my way to shout at the librarian who happens to also be the kingdom's best demon summoner and quite possibly the most steampunk sorcerer of all time."
"What for?" asks Amy. "Has he filled your drawers with weapons and severed limbs again?"
"Yes." you say. "But I was actually going to interrogate him as to how to get to Hell."
"What?" Amy asks stunned. "Why do you want to go to that hellhole?"
"I just feel like visiting my brother." you pause thoughtfully. "I don't suppose you could lend a hand could you?" You chortle rudely.
Amy looks at you in a perplexed manner.
"Because your silly head looks like a hand." you explain.
"Oh gosh." says Amy playfully. "I've never been so insulted in all my life." He pauses. "Okay fine I'll help you."



Amy conjures up an ominous looking portal.
"Awesome!" you say. "Thanks Ames! You're the best!"

High-five him. You've left him hanging long enough.

high five his head!

You high five Amy's head. It was awesome, though poorly drawn.
"I've always wanted to do that." you grin. Amy glares at you clearly unimpressed.
"I'm never helping you out ever again." He moans.

>Sloppy makeouts with Captain Hammer poster.

You doubt Uncle Hammer would approve of such incestuous antics.

>Midgardsormr: Go find Powergrando I, the kingdom's best demon summoner and quite possibly the most steampunk sorcerer of all time. Ask him about getting to Hell.

Hmmm. You still kind of want to do this but it seems a bit unnecessary now that Amy's opened a portal for you...

---

Go do it anyway, ask him to escort you to Hell. They have some pretty awesome libraries down there, you know.

Then, sloppy makeouts.

>Midgardsormr: Yeah totes visit him. What's the use of going to hell without steampunk armor? It's just a style thing.

You walk further down the hall and go to open the door.



Powergrando stands resolutely in the doorway. "Yes?" says Powergrando I. "How can I help you?"
"Why are you blocking the door?" You ask.
"The library is dangerous!" Powergrando I explains.
"Dangerous?" You ask dubiously.
"Yes." he replies curtly.
"Dangerous like how?" You enquire further.
"It's National Hole Digging Day and naturally I have been digging holes. As a result the library has become unstable."
"You know what, if I saw that kind of excuse on some kind of online comic or something I'd just know it was the author trying to cover up the fact that he hasn't bothered drawing the library despite having had months and months in which to perform such a simple task." You say. "But since this is real life I believe you unquestioningly."
"Good." says Powergrando I visibly relieved. "Anyway with that lampshade hung... I mean crisis averted what can I do for you?"



"Me and Amy were thinking about having a trip out to Hell and we wondered whether you'd like to come?" You ask. "I hear there's lots of libraries in Hell..."
"I hear there's lots of sloppy makeouts." Amy interrupts. You kick him in the leg.
"Shut up!" you hiss.
"Sure." Powergrando I shrugs. "I've obviously got nothing better to be doing." And so you and Amy and Powergrando I make your way to the Portal to Hell and jump in. It's honestly a lot less interesting than it sounds. You're not missing out on anything.



"Wow. We're in actually in Hell." you say. "I thought it would be trickier than that."
"This is where the hard part starts." Amy says. "Sure this is Hell but this is only the top layer of Hell. The icing on the cake of Hell if you will."
"That's the worst metaphor ever." Powergrando I interrupts.
"Regardless this is only the first of nine levels of Hell." Amy continues. "Locating a single person in the unfathomable depths of the abyss is a long and arduous task." Amy pauses. "So, you two have fun. I think I might stay here and read a book or something."

---

What? Just... Have her have solved problems? No that is incredibly lazy storytelling don't do that.

"I hate Hell!" you moan. "It's massive and depressing and surprisingly empty!" You pause. "Okay I've had enough now. We're never going to find Hades. It's pointless continuing with this clearly doomed expedition into the depths of the abyss. I'm ready to go back to the surface and dig holes like a good girl now!"
"It's okay." says Amy. "We'll find him eventually..." Amy pauses. "Well, I mean I'll find him eventually. You may already have died and rotted away by then but I have a much longer lifespan than you do so I'm almost certain that I might find him within my lifetime." Another pause. "You just have to give it time."
"But we've been walking through this empty wasteland for days." You moan. "And we're still no closer to finding him."
"Actually it's only been five minutes." Amy says. "Not even that really." He pauses. "Look, you can still see Powergrando I over there."





"Oh yeah." You say. "Well I've still had enough. Let's go home Amy."
"Actually I can't just open a portal to the surface." Amy says. "If we could do that then there wouldn't be any demons down here."
"There aren't any demons down here." You say.
"This is the Wilderness." Amy shrugs. "I suppose the countryside on the surface is just full of people?"
"Fine." you say glumly. "So if you can't make a portal to the surface how did you get out in the first place?"
"I was summoned in an ancient ritual performed by the last surviving member of an insane cult that worshipped my namesake." said Amy. "I was then deemed harmless and he released me from the pentagram."
"Do you think he might summon you again?" you ask tentatively.
"Nope." says Amy. "As I said it was an accident, he wanted the other Amy. Plus after he called me harmless and let me free I chopped his head off to teach him a little lesson about calling demons harmless." There is a long pause.
"Do you think somebody might accidentally stumble across the cult's rituals and try them?" you ask. "You know, like in films."
"Nope." says Amy. "After the whole being called harmless and then getting blood on my suit I was a bit annoyed. So I decided to burn the place down. Unfortunately The Dark Chapel contained the only known copies of the cult's ceremonies."
"Fuck." you say.



"On an unrelated note, what do you think that thing is?" asks Amy.
"What?" you ask, looking around.



"That." Amy points.



"Oh I hadn't noticed that." you say. "Now you mention it that looks exactly like the house Hades used to have while he was still alive."
"We should check it out." Amy suggests.
"You think?" you say sarcastically.
"Yeah." Amy says. "Think about it. Your brother Hades could be living there." There is a pause.
"Don't take this the wrong way Ames but you are a total idiot and I hate you." you say.

---

>Amy: Take it the wrong way

>Midgardsormr: Get Powergrando to leave his inexplicable steampunk bench and come with you. Check out the house

> Walk there. Just walk.

And then they walked to the house.

> Ask Amy if she can perform some sort of shielding spell or something just in case. Then enter.

"I don't suppose you could make me a magical shield?" You ask Amy. "Only me and brother have some unresolved issues."
"You don't suppose right." Amy says. There is a long pause.
"Wait, do you mean that my supposition that you can't make a magical shield was correct or that my not supposition that you can make a magical shield was correct?" You ask. "I'm confused. Can you make a magical shield or not?"
"What do you think?" Amy asks sarcastically.
"I think you probably could. You opened a magical portal to Hell after all." You respond.
"I don't think he could." Powergrando I interjects. "He's a demon, not a magical fairy."
"Magical fairies aren't real." You say.
"I know, but that wasn't the point. I was pointing out the disparity in Amy's known powers and what you asked him to do." Powergrando I replied.
"It could be a demonic shield." You say thoughtfully. "It doesn't have to be all blue and shiny. It could be all black and red and cloudy and awesome." There is a thoughtful pause.
"Yeah. I can see that." Powergrando I agrees. Amy sighs.
"I can't make a magical shield." He says. "I'm a demon we more specialise in tearing people limb from limb." He pauses and glances at Powergrando I. "I'm totally reformed though now. Honest."
"Anyway..." You say.



You knock on the door. After a moment the door is flung open by Prince Hades.
"Welcome to my Crystal Home!" he announces as he opens the door. "Oh hey Midgardsormr. What's up?"
"You don't sound all that surprised to see me." you say. "I'm in Hell. Surely this is a surprising occurrence?"
"Not really." Hades says. "You did coat my harmonica in nitro-glycerine after all."
"Oh yeah..." you say after a long pause. "You still remember that?"
"Yeah. You do tend to remember being killed by your own sister." Hades says crossly.
"Nevermind?" you say hopefully. "All in the past now eh?"
"I suppose." says Hades after a long pause. "Want to come in?"
"Yea-"



"Well I am afraid you can't at the moment." You sigh as it all comes rushing back to you. "You cannot enter my Crystal Home until you've won some crystals." says Hades. "There's four types of games: Physical, Mental, Skill or Mystery. Win a game and you get a crystal. Each crystal you get is worth five minutes in my Crystal Home, but be careful not to still be playing the game when the time runs out or you'll get locked in." Hades pauses. "Okay so at the moment I've only got one zone, Hell Zone, but we can go around it four times so you have plenty of games to try and win crystals in."
"Mid..." Amy whispers. "I think the dark horrors of the abyss have driven your brother insane."
"No." you whisper back. "He's always been like this. It's one of the reasons I blew him up."
"So which one of you is the team captain?" Hades asked. "I'm assuming it's you Mid?"
"Yeah sure." you say.
"Then let's make our way to Hell Zone and play some games." Hades enthuses





"Why are we going along with this?" Powergrando I whispers to you.
"It's easier than trying to convince him that this process is a silly way of deciding how long people get to visit you for." you whisper back. "Trust me. I've tried."
"So here we are in the ever delightful Hell Zone." Hades says. "If we all just stay quiet and listen hard enough we might just be able to hear the agonised screams of the Zone's previous inhabitants... But don't let that put you off." He pauses. "Okay Team Captain Midgardsormr... Time to pick a game and who to play it. What's it going to be? Physical, Mental, Skill or Mystery?

---

"I guess we'll have a mystery game I suppose." You say.
"Okay and who to play this mystery game?" Hades enquires.

---

"I guess you can do it PG." You say unenthusiastically
"Excellent." Hades enthuses. "A mystery game for the fellow with the crazy spectacles." He pauses. "I have just the game for you. It's a little two minute game and you're going to need these." He pulls out three silver coins from his jacket pockets and hands them to Powergrando I. "When you get inside you will need to cross Sis's palm with silver. She'll then ask you one little riddle. Get it right and win a crystal and five minutes in my Crystal Home. Get it wrong and it's an automatic lock-in I'm afraid." He shrugs melodramatically and throws the door open. "Your time starts now."



You are now this guy. You are Powergrando I, master demon summoner and the most steampunk sorcerer the world has ever seen. You have the power to summon forth great legions of demons at the snap of a finger, the means to construct elaborate steampunk machinations capable of taking down even the hardiest of foes in mere seconds, and a pretty cool pair of glasses. However none of these are going to do you any good in here where it's just down to your wits and whether you can solve the fortune teller's riddle.

---

> Check out that magazine cover.

It's a thing about some guy who did something or other and saved the whole of the afterlife or something. You figure it's kind of not important at the moment.
"Hello?" Sis says impatiently. "I believe you're here for a riddle...?"
"Yep." you say. "Hit me. I can answer any riddle you care to set." Sis sighs.
"You need to cross my palm with silver." she says. You raise an eyebrow. "Give me the coins." she explains.
"Oh yeah." You say, and coolly flip a silver coin her way. Sis sighs again.
"Okay hotshot." she says with a grin. "Here is your riddle:"



"Clive is nine years older than his brother Alex. Clive married Olive when his brother was two thirds of his age. Clive and Olive's combined age was fifty nine. It is now one hundred and twenty three. They have three children; Dave, Angela and Estelle. Dave is the youngest by five years. Angela and Estelle are twins. The three siblings combined age matches that of their mother Olive...
"Peter and Vanessa married when their collective age was fifty six and their ages were both prime numbers. That year they had a child called Lucy and now their ages are both prime numbers again...
"Lucy and Dave are to be married. What is their collective age?"

> Midgardsormr: Visit with Hades while Powergrando is riddling it up or whatever.

You are not currently Midgardsormr and even if you were in order to visit your brother you need to gather crystals to gain time in his Crystal Home. It's just one of his many annoying quirks. You should probably try and answer this riddle.

---

"Okay well the first half is easy. Alex is obviously 18 so that Clive is 27, which means Olive is 32, which makes her 64 now." you say. "If Dave is five years younger than his sisters they must be 23 each and he must be 18. Easy." You pause looking slightly smug. "But your second half is totally unsolvable. The only pairs of prime numbers whose sums are 56 are 53+3, 43+13, and 37+19. I'm supposed to find the ones that you can add a number to and both ages remain prime, and the number that was added is Lucy's age. However, all three pairs have that property. You can add 8 to 53 and 3, making 61 and 11. You can add both 4 and 10 to the other two pairs as well, yielding (47, 17), (53, 23), (41, 23), and (47, 29). Without further information about Lucy's age this is unsolvable." Sis looks at you and frowns. "Can I assume you have to be over 18 to get married and have children?"
"Just because we're in Hell doesn't mean we're monsters." Sis says defensively. "Yes of course you have to be over 18 to get married and have children."



"Okay so that means that the only prime pair that works is 37+19." You say. "And the smallest number over 18 which you can add to both of those and it will still be prime is 22, which makes them 41 and 59. That would mean that the answer was 40."
"That's right-" Sis says, surprise evident in her voice.
"But it doesn't necessarily have to be the smallest number over 18." You go on to say. "24 also works, making the answer 42 and the parents 61 and 43."
"You've won." Sis says bluntly. "You can stop figuring out the answer now."
"What you should do is say that you must assume someone is at least 18 to be married and have children, and the difference between Dave and Lucy's age cannot be greater or lesser than 1/3rd of Dave's." You say. "That would sort that riddle right out."



"Shut up!" Sis says. "You've won. Now take your crystal and get the hell out of my chamber."
"Thank you very much." you say and make your way back outside.



"Guys I won." Powergrando I says walking back out through the chamber door.
"Pardon?" Hades asked. "You answered the riddle correctly?"
"Yeah." says Powergrando I. "The riddle was a little flawed. I think umm... Sis was it?... will probably tell you how it can be easily fixed later."
"Huh." Hades says surprised. "I... erm... guess... we'll play another game then."



Suddenly a voice rings out over Hell Zone.
"Hades! We've got a score to settle!" the voice booms out.
"Oh no." says Hades. "That's not good."
"What is it?" you say.
"It's this demon." Hades says. "It's name's Jaid. It's been terrorizing me. Threatening to destroy my Crystal Home. Last week I managed to scare it off with a really tough riddle but I think it's come back to finish the job."
"Jaid..." you say. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"



"Oh not Jaid." Amy says. "Of all the demons in all of the abyss..."
"You know him?" Hades asks.
"Unfortunately yeah." Amy says. "He always used to pick on me when we were kids..." He was always stealing my lunch money. And by lunch money I mean the tormented souls of those I had crushed under my heel. I hate him."
"This Jaid..." Powergrando I chirps up. "Is he like a big black demon with a beefy arm?"
"Yeah that's right." Hades says surprisedly. "You know him?"
"Worst demon I ever summoned." Powergrando I says. "Broke free of his bindings and robbed my chambers while I was out. Must have got away with a good couple of hundred forks..."



"How about you?" Hades suggests. "Let's go for broke and assume that all four of us have been wronged by the very same demon."
"I don't know..." You say. "The name sounds really familiar..." You pause. "That's it! Now I know where I've heard that name before. It's the demon that had been trying to get me to sell my soul to him all week."
"Pardon?" asked Powergrando I.
"No really." you say. "Amy, remember at first when I saw you this morning I confused you for that demon that had been trying to steal my soul. That's who I thought you were."
"Oh." Amy says sarcastically. "Well I guess that makes sense because we look nothing like one another."
"Well you are both black." You say. "Sometimes it's hard to tell you demons apart."
"Racist!" Amy snaps.
"Nevermind that." Hades says. "There's a powerful demon out there, who by some bewilderingly long odds we all have a grudge against. He's about to attack us and destroy my precious Crystal Home. This calls for an epic showdown!"



"Nope." You say. "This whole silly thing has reminded me why I killed you in the first place and I've decided as much a grudge as I might have with Jaid, which to be honest isn't very much, I'm perfectly happy to let him smash your stupid Crystal Home to tiny pieces and rip your body limb from limb. At least your blood won't be on my hands this time."
"But Mid..." Hades says. "You have to help me. You're my sister..."
"Actually you were adopted." You say. "Sorry you had to find out this way."
"Mid. I'll do anything." Hades says. "You'll never have to play through my games again. You can visit my Crystal Home whenever you like and not have to worry about earning enough crystals or anything."
"... Okay." You say. "I suppose." Hades grins. "Prepare yourself guys." You say. "Shit just got real!"

---

Pose as a team because shit got real.

---

Mid: LVL 7 MINIGUN BARRAGE: REALLY AWESOME MINIGUN BARRAGE

"Huh." You say. "That was surprisingly easy. In fact everything I've done today has been surprisingly easy. Getting to Hell. Finding Hades. Now this..." You pause.
"It's probably nothing." Amy says.
"You're probably right." You say.



"How awesome was I with that awesome minigun barrage?" You ask, as you make your way back to Hade's Crystal Home.
"It was pretty good." Powergrando I says hesitantly. "But I never got a chance to use this awesome steampunk laser arm I made."
"We just killed a horrible evil monster, no offence Amy, and you're moaning about that?" You ask.
"Yes!" Powergrando I says. "I worked really hard on this awesome steampunk laser arm I'll have you know. I cleverly used the crystal I won to focus the laser, and there's a valve on there that you turn to make it even more deadly. It would have been so awesome."
"You should have let me have a go Mid." Hades chirps up. "I was going to do this sweet harmonica solo. It would have been awesome."
"And I was going to headbutt him." Amy says. "I mean I know I have awesome and incredibly vaguely defined demonic powers to rip the flesh off of people and stuff but for some reason I could only think of things to do with my head."
"Well that's senility for you." You sigh. "Look guys. Next time we fight a horrible demonic terror from beyond the darkest realms of your imagination I'll let you lot do the hard work..."
And they lived bickeringly ever after.

The End



SpoilerShow

Minutes Ago, but not many:

You are Princess Lisa Jormungandr. You are currently floating in a pool in your guard's quarters. This guard has just been disrespectful to you. Yet another barrier to your quest to travel to Hell and retrieve your soul.



If only life was easier. If only it was easy to get to Hell, to find your objective and to defeat the Big Bad... Your mind begins to wander and you daydream a similar but different princess with similar but different problems and a similar but different demon companion...

Now:



"Jormungandr..." Rubi says. "Jormungandr... Jormungandr!"



"Uh, what?" You say eventually, your attention returning to the room around you.
"Well it's about time you snapped out of it." Rubi says. "You've just been floating there daydreaming for ages."
"Huh?" You say.
"Yeah it's all very well and good for you." Rubi says. "Floating there. Acting as though you're brain damaged. I bet it's all very relaxing. Meanwhile I'm out here in the real world getting your job done for you."
"What?" You say.
"I managed to convince thingy, squid boy, to come with us and be your bodyguard." Rubi says. "Turns out we're both massive Sportsball fans. We bonded. It was a bonding experience."
"Huh?" You reiterate.
"He says he'll meet us at the portal to the afterlife when we eventually get it opened." Rubi says. "Which, since we only need three more items off the checklist could hopefully be sometime this side of the apocalypse."
"Uh?" You say.
"And while you were daydreaming I restyled your hair and your face changed shape." Rubi says. "It was weird, but you didn't seem to be in any pain so I just thought I would let nature take its course."

SpoilerShow

Recap:
























I think that just about covers the story so far.

---

You are Princess Angela Rahab. A demon visited you and stole your favourite handbag and now you must travel into the abyss to retrieve it or something.

How will you proceed?


"JORMUNGANDR!" Rubi yells. "No daydreaming! When I signed up with the forces of good I was promised a significantly more exciting experience."
"Calm down Rubi." You say. "I was just gone a moment." You glance down at your skin to notice how wrinkled and gross it has become. "Erm... okay maybe it has been a little bit longer than I thought." You pause. "Also, eww."

SpoilerShow

After quickly towelling off and retrieving a new dress from your room you are finally back ready to get back to collecting things so that you can go to hell.
"Okay so here's the story so far:" Rubi says. "You were minding your own business when Tchort, a dick of a demon if there ever was one, came along and stole your soul, and also your other body though that's not as important since you've cloned yourself so many times you appear to be going senile. After that you got to work on going to hell to retrieve your soul from the demon in question. You ended up summoning good old me and I graciously agreed to come with you in return for excitement and mischief. In order to make a safe portal into the afterlife you need the following items: A book called The Mortumbris Abyssex, something which has come from Hell, a human-ish sacrifice, some gold coins (which you got from your very helpful sisters who are very helpful) and a bodyguard, which you have in the form of a stoner squid called Iaoijeuaio who I recruited while you were having an elaborate daydream. Then you had another daydream and then I told you to snap out of it. You dried yourself off and got changed, which I totally did not watch, promise, and then I started telling you what had happened thus far."



...



"Thanks for that." You say sarcastically. "Let's get on with it then."

---

>Enter War Room. Fight.

You head into the War Room to find that Hel and Fenrir are already fighting. Normally you'd stick around to enforce the 'no fighting in the war room' policy but what with all that daydreaming you have been doing lately you don't really have time to waste on those two at the moment.

Take some of the giant thorny plant from hell.

This is an excellent idea. You feel very proud of yourself.



Pausing only to taunt General Oioujuoaie you make your way to the alleyway.



You pull a thorn from the giant thorny hell plant from hell that inconveniently obstructs the back exit from the castle.
"This grew up, straight from Hell." You say. "It will count for the 'thing from hell' right?"
"Yeah that'll do." says Rubi. "Good work. Three down. Two to go. We are making excellent progress."



"Excuse me, Princess." says Slim, the black market trader. "That'll be three spoons."
"Pardon?" you say. "This isn't your giant thorny hell plant from hell."
"That doesn't mean to say you can just come and take it." says Slim. "This isn't your alleyway you know."
"Yes it is." you say.
"Well yes technically it is." says Slim. "Technically this is your entire castle. That doesn't mean you can wander around picking stuff up like some kind of kleptomaniac."
"Actually it does." you counter.
"Well." Slim pauses. "Yes it does I suppose. Can I have three spoons for it anyway? I've got shady children to feed you know." You roll your eyes and, slipping the hell thorn into Rubi's inventory, make your way back inside.

> Check on Demongandr!

You come to the conclusion that if you have been daydreaming as long as Rubi implied then your demon clone should be ready for now. Together you will be able to solve even the most obtuse item collection puzzles. You briefly scold yourself for being so wrapped up in getting a new dress that you forgot to check on your demon clone while you were in your bedroom.



You find that she has gone. And you get the impression she probably doesn't want to be BFFs.



"Rubi!" you exclaim. "My demon clone! She's gone!"
"Yeah...?" Rubi says "...and?"
"And we have to find her!" you say.
"Okay." Rubi says. "Where shall we look?"
"You are the worst dashing sidekick ever." you say. "I guess since we've been everywhere currently available to us except the library and she wasn't in any of them we should check the library."
"But she might have been in the war room. We only saw the room from one angle." Rubi says.
"..." You stare blankly at him. "That is the most stupid thing I have heard you say yet." You pause to regain your train of thought. "Oh yeah... To the library!"



You make your way to the door to the library. Before you enter something that has been scratched into the door catches your attention.



It's... it's... a candelabrum!!!!

---

Realize that that isn't really a candelabrum, enter the library.

Wait a minute, you think, that's just a depiction of a candelabrum. Not an actual candelabrum. There's absolutely no reason to be scared of it.
"What's the matter Princess?" Rubi asks. "Not afraid of candelabra are you? Because that would be a really stupid thing to be afraid of."
"Wouldn't it just?" you say, suddenly remembering that Rubi has not seen you interact with candelabra and realising that if she found out that you were petrified of them she would probably carry one around and taunt you with it. You open the door and walk into the library.



Suddenly you remember why you store the books you might actually want to read in the War Room; because the library is a sprawling labyrinth of misfiled books maintained by an inept librarian. You spot said librarian stood reading a book. Clone 404, or 404 for short, is one of the many clones that make up your great nation. A few years ago, during a particularly difficult national budget you decided that a nation of individuals with their own wants and needs is expensive. So you had 90% of them hunted down and replaced with inexpensive clones. 404 here has been working as a librarian for you ever since Clone 211 died in that freak bookvalanche, taking with him the knowledge of where things actually are. Finding anything in this library is going to be tricky.

---

Ask 404 to find a file.

"Hello 404." You say wearily.
"Greetings Your Highness." He says. "Can I help you at all?"
"I would be incredibly surprised if you could." You say. "But I guess I'll ask anyway, do you know where a book called the Mortumbris Abyssex is?"
"Yes!" 404 grins triumphantly. "I know exactly where the Mortumbris Abyssex is. It's in the Reading Room."
"What?" you say confusedly. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. Most definitely..." 404 starts.
"That's amazing.” you say. “All these years I've been coming in here asking for a book and every day you give me some kind of bizarre description of a shelf where if I am very lucky it might be somewhere near. And now today, when I absolutely definitely need it as soon as possible, you know precisely where it is. That's fantastic. Maybe you weren't brain damaged during the cloning process after all... hang on, there's a but here isn't there? You know where the book is but all the pages have been torn out?"
"No, but yes there is a but." 404 says.
"What is it?" you ask wearily.



"I have no idea where the Reading Room is." 404 says. "You see it was..."
"You have no idea where the Reading Room is?" you ask incredulously. "This is a whole new level of incompetence 404."
"It's not my fault." 404 says. "Gather ye around while I tell you the..."





"It begins a long long time ago, back when this library was ruled over by the original Librarian. He was a black hearted man with nothing but contempt for those who touched his precious books. They say that his cold hearted sneer never left his lips for as long as he walked the halls of this library."



"The legends have it that he had a secret Reading Room built into the castle, a place only known of by him. In his sanctuary from the world he kept his most precious books, those that were irreplaceably valuable or those that were so thickly engorged with black magic that they had taken on a twisted life of their own."



"One day he mysteriously vanished, never to be seen again. On that day he took the location of the Lost Reading Room with him. Not a soul has seen it since." 404 concluded.



"..."



"I think I hate you 404." you say.
"But don't despair!" exclaimed 404 suddenly. "I was tidying the stacks the other week and I found an old diary. It belonged to the Librarian. I think he must have been getting on a bit by the end, forgetting things and such. He made a note in the diary, something that would help him remember where the entrance to the Lost Reading Room is. It was complicated. I can't remember what it was now."
"So where was this diary?" you ask impatiently.
"If you just get a map..." 404 says. You take one of the maps from the map holder to the left of the doorway and open it out.



"This library is even more labyrinthine and needlessly complicated than I remembered." you observe. "So this diary is where?"
"I think it was around here somewhere." 404 marks a cross onto the map.



You sigh deeply. "You think?" you say. "Okay, so let's disregard that, and you tell me what you can remember about where you found the diary."
"Hmmm." 404 says. "Let me think... Okay, it was in a red stack, on the same aisle as a triangle stack. If you see a blue stack in between them then that's the wrong one. Oh and it's definitely wrong if it's on the same set of shelfing as a purple stack.”

>Ask Rubi if he has some sort of demon sense that makes him more in tune with the book you're looking for.

"Hey Rubi you don't think you could do me a favour and use magic demon powers to locate this book for me could you?" You ask thin air. Rubi has apparently flown away during your super exciting conversation with 404. She's probably gone looking for your demon clone, the original reason you came in here. You could probably catch up with her or try and find this diary.

---

>Red Crescent Shelf

You find the bookcase that 404 was talking about after only a few minutes of wandering around like an idiot. You decide not to waste any more time and open up that diary and search through it.

SpoilerShow

Dear Diary
It has been another bad day for me, and for literature in general. Today a squid wanted to read one of my precious books. A SQUID! I ask you! Jormungandr is clearly insane. I am adding her to my list of people unworthy to touch my precious books. I must retire to my Private Reading Room now. It is only there that I can read the dark tomes that will soon allow me to have my revenge on the rest of this mindless castle.
NOTE: How to get to the Reading Room:
SydemSLjwmCzn
(in case I get lost. Again)

It soon becomes apparent that the Librarian was as creepy as 404 said and more so. You eventually find what 404 was talking about. It is exceedingly vague.

---

You search through the rest of the diary in case there are any more clues as to where the Lost Reading Room is. None of it seems very helpful just more moaning about people disrespecting his books and the inevitable retribution he will have.

SpoilerShow

and then as if that wasn't bad enough in of itself she had the nerve to ask me if we had any of the Twilight 'books' in stock. I know! I swear that once I am fully augmented, once I have become the Bringer of Pain she will be the first one whose miserable little life I will end.
NOTE TO SELF:
Record Dancing With The Stars.

You check out the last entry he made before he mysteriously vanished. It doesn't really help.

SpoilerShow

NOTE TO SELF:
Don't bother going through there. Their selection of books is very poor.

ALSO:
When this diary runs out, check whether your new one is a linking book before you start writing in it.

On a whim you decide to check the back of the book and discover it's a linking book. The place it links to looks interesting but unhelpful. You decide not to go there.

---

Seek assistance

"Hey you!" You accost 404 angrily. "You said this book would help me find the Lost Reading Room."
"And isn't it?" 404 asks.
"No." You snap. "There's simply not enough information to go off."
"Hmm..." 404 says thoughtfully. "The way he's always leaving notes throughout implies that he's very forgetful."
"Well yeah." you say.
"Well don't you think he'd leave himself all the information he needs then?" 404 asks. "Maybe you just need to try processing it in a different way?"
"You are no help!" you exclaim and stomp off back into the stacks.

---

Punch 404 for being better at this weird puzzle shit than we are.

"Damn you 404!" You run up to him and punch him in the face. "If you're so good at weird puzzle shit then why don't you solve it!"


You look at 404 for a minute as he unsuccessfully attempts to find some words before turning and walking away.
"Wait." He says. "I might be able to help you, if you are willing to not hit me again." You pause.
"I can't promise anything but I can assure you there will be more hitting if you don't help me out." You say.


"There." 404 marks the map again. "This is where I found the diary."
"Where you found it?" You ask. "Didn't you find it on 'a stack that is red and on the same aisle as a stack which is a triangle but which is not intersected by a stack which has a picture of a piano sellotaped to it or whatever'?"
"No. I found it there." 404 gestures to his point on the map. "I rarely put things back in the same place as I find them."
"And there we have the crux of why this library isn't very effective." You say. "You sure this is where you found the book?"
"Yes. Absolutely 100% certain." 404 says.
"What really?" You say. "Like for reals?" He nods. "Maybe I should punch you more often. It seems to make you a better librarian."

SpoilerShow

And then I started playing Bayonetta

> daydream

You are Princess Jormunetta. Aside from being a princess you are also a badass witch. You kill angels for some reason and you can conjure demons out of your hair or something. You are currently in the Gates of Hell bar casually licking a lollipop. Rubin is serving at the bar.

What will you do?

---

You walk over to the bar.
"Hey Jormunetta." Rubin says. "Check this out 'whattaya buyin?'" Rubin chuckles to himself. "I heard that in a game once." You roll your eyes; Rubin's repetitive jokes are beginning to grate on your nerves a little.


You glance over his goods, your eyes alighting on the Platinum Ticket which is available for 999,999 spoons. You have been craving that Platinum Ticket ever since the day that Rubin got it in stock. Something that pricey and in such a bizarre currency as well... well that has to be something good which in no way could endanger your life. Obviously.

OPEN FOR LONG ANIMATION

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You recall the many hours of spoon hunting that you had to do to acquire the 999,999 spoons required for the Platinum Ticket. You can't help but feel that your super awesome demonic skills were somewhat wasted on this task. Nevermind that now though. You finally have all the spoons you need and you can't wait to get the Platinum Ticket you so thoroughly deserve.


"How about you get me that-" You start. Suddenly an angel appears, disrupting the flow of conversation.
"This neighbourhood is really going downhill." You say to Rubin. "You should think about hiring a bouncer."
"You do what you do best Jormunetta." Rubin says with a grin.
"What? Daydreaming?" You ask. "Oh right you mean fighting angels. Of course."


A quick glance through your inventory reveals that you have one LP that you forgot to give Rubin.


"Hey Rubin." You toss him the Golden LP. "Think you can get me something that is equal parts impractical and deadly?"
"Another LP?" He asked. "You're working me to the bone!" You roll your eyes and let him get on with it.


For now you should focus on killing this angel. You pause for a second. Just one angel... and not even a skyscraper sized one! This guy will totally be a piece of cake. Obviously.

---

Jorm: Be adorable at him.

You never really were clear why you went around killing angels. You put your differences aside and become the best of friends and everyone lives happily ever after.

THE END.

SpoilerShow

MY solution in spoiler,

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"Hey!" says Rubi. "I really can't leave you alone for five minutes can I?"
"I guess not." You say blearily. "What were we doing again?"
"Seriously?" asked Rubi. "I do more recapping on this adventure than actual events to recap."
"No." You say. "I'm fine. I remember. Lost reading room, find the magic book, go to Hell."
"Good." says Rubi. "Next time you go into one of your daydream comas I'm not waking you up."



"Here we are." You say, gesturing to an empty bookshelf that is shaking violently. It looks like a book is trapped between it and an adjacent shelf. The movement has tipped out all the books all over the floor, something which you resent; making this castle look a mess is YOUR job.

---

>Attempt to prise out stuck book.

> Deslaaj buk.

You pull the book free from between the shelves and watch as the shaking shelf, now free to move, ascends the wall in a completely rational and normal manner. As it climbs the wall it exposes a secret passage, labelled secret just in case someone was to confuse it with a regular passage.

> _

"Oh for christ's sake." Rubi sighs. "> Go into the secret passage." She pauses and glares at you. "Can we get a move on now?" You roll your eyes.
"Obviously I was going to go into the secret passage." You respond. "I totally wasn't going to make book-angels." Rubi sweeps past you, agily opening the door with her tail and disappears into the darkness within.



You nervously make your way down the dark passage, following Rubi who seems to getting anxious for all that excitement that you promised her. Eventually you step out of the corridor into brightly lit cavernous room. After the dark of the corridor it takes your eyes a second to adjust.



When they do you see the world's tallest mound of books, and entwined within it, huge black tentacles. High up in the highest reaches of the book pile you think you can see someone.



The Librarian looks up from his book.
"Finally." He says. "Do you know how long I have been waiting to be rescued?"

---

>"what exactly are we rescuing you from, no offense but the pile looks steep but climbable, and it looks like the tentacles are friendly. since one seems to be holding your book for you."

"What exactly are we rescuing you from?" You ask curiously. "No offense I'm sure you were very trapped and everything, but that pile looks climbable, although steep and the tentacle things don't exactly look hostile...?"
"Something was blocking the way out." The librarian replied. "I think something had jammed in the bookcase, preventing it from ascending and letting me out. It's a good job I had plenty of reading material or else I would have gone quite mad."



"All's well that ends well I suppose." You say, with a shrug. "Now how about you come down from there and help me find a book I'm looking for. It's called the...?" You glance at Rubi expectantly.
"The Mortumbris Abyssex." She supplies.
"The Mortumbris Abyssex." You say. "I was informed it was in here."
"Oh really?" The Librarian asks huffily. "By whom?"
"Oh I hired a new librarian." You say. "He's not as organized as you are but on the plus side he doesn't mind me touching the books."



"So let me get this straight. As if it wasn't bad enough that you were always touching my precious books with your sticky fingers, you leave me to rot in here for twenty long lonely years, you hire a new librarian who files books away haphazardly and lets you molest them in any way you see fit and then finally you come to rescue me but you aren't interested in me at all. No you want to pilfer books from my private collection." The Librarian ranted angrily. He paused, taking a deep breath and attempting to calm himself down. "I have been waiting for this moment for a long time Princess. When I have finally wrung the last breath out of your corpse then I will have done a great service to books everywhere."

---

>Light the pile on fire. The demon book will probably survive.

Jor: Briefly mention to Rubi how she's not really that scary once you get to know her.

Burning things is always the best strategy. Except for when you can eat them instead, obviously. Unfortunately you do not possess matches, a lighter or even the basic pryokinesis required to start a fire at will. Suddenly a thought occurs to you.



"Hey Rubi, think you could burn that mountain of books for me." You ask.
"Obviously a great idea but I lack the means to start a fire." Rubi replies.



"What are you good for then?" You ask, annoyed.
"I'm good for lots of things. I am incredibly versatile I'll have you know." Rubi replies quickly. "It's not my fault that the one thing you have asked me to do is outside my many areas of expertise."
"But come on, you're a demon." You reply emphatically. "Making fires should be second nature to you."
"Not all demons like burning things." Rubi replies. "Like not all princesses like getting captured by the bad guys."
"I'm pretty sure no princesses like getting captured by the bad guys." You reply thoughtfully.
"My point is stop being so prejudiced against demons." Rubi says.
"You know you aren't as scary as you made out when I summoned you." You say sullenly.
"Oh, is that right?" Rubi snaps. "Let me show you how scary I can be..."









"Not so not so scary now am I?" Rubi asks.
"Ahem." The Librarian cuts in.



"You're going to have to do better than that." It says cockily.

---

You are now this guy; James Nox, Accomplished Young Hellcaller. You are very skilled in summoning demons and binding them to your will. You are often called upon to protect Princess and Principality, fighting off powerful and bizarre villains and getting into absurd situations. You are, in short, a big damn hero. Very recently the ground opened up and your house fell into Hell itself. At first you assumed that some demons had been really pissed off and they'd pulled you down here somehow and in responce you painted some demon warding sigils on your walls and doors to keep them out. However since no demons have shown up in the last few hours you're guessing maybe this isn't the case. The only beings that have shown up are a couple of tortured souls that have started hanging around outside. You aren't really sure what to do now.

---

JN: Admit to readers that you are only a beginner hellcaller and that you have only met Her Highness Lisa Jormungandr in your own fan fiction. It's no time to pull such shenanigans, with the tortured souls and all.

> JN: You could ask the tortured souls what's going on.

>Paint a few warding sigils on yourself, just in case.

Okay maybe you are exaggerating a bit. You haven't actually been called on to protect Princess and Principality, and you aren't quite as good a Hellcaller as you claim to be. But, in fairness, that Demonology book is hard going and quite frankly a lot of effort.



You did consider skipping ahead to the more advanced chapters at first, but your brother beat you to it, and ended up dead by the hands (tail?) of a Mischief Spirit. As such you have committed to reading through the book, performing the rituals and gradually building your skills. You just haven't got around to it yet.



"Hey tortured soul guy." You say. "What's going on down here?" He responds but you can't make out what he is saying through the window. From the look of his speech bubble it's something about Princess Jormungandr giving a crown to a demon.



You daub some vaguely runish shapes onto yourself. Oh yeah these are probably demon warding sigils or something. Definitely. Oh wait hang on. What?



This is not right.



You attempt to shield yourself as you suddenly feel yourself being buffeted in the face by an giant invisible waffle.

---

Nox: Quickly take out your iPhone and use the Demonology app to find out what kind of creature does the waffle thing. Protect yourself accordingly.

Clearly this tomfoolery is the demented work of some kind of demon. Discerning which type of demon will allow you to fight back against it's infernal machinations. You grab your yPhone, the latest in phones with a letter in front of their name technology.



You open up the DemonSpotter app. It is primarily designed for demonspotters looking to identify types of demon that they have spotted but it is also useful for Hellcallers like yourself looking for the best way to battle those demons. It's not like you have a profile and keep track of all the demons that you have spotted or anything. That would be lame. You enter a brief description of your current situation and hit search.



Just one result, you open it up.



That's just silly. Surely you would know if there was a Wire digging into your spine and causing you to hallucinate. After all it claims that you would be in extreme pain, and you're not.



Oh fuck! It's a wire! There's a wire digging into your back! What are you going to do?!

Meanwhile, a minute or two ago on the surface:

Try to focus light through the champagne glass of demon droll, starting a fire on the pile of books

You use your latent Lumikinetic powers to shine an intense ray of light through the champagne glass onto the pile of books setting them ablaze and killing The Librarian. Or not, because you don't have Lumikinetic powers and also there is no such thing as Lumikinetic powers. What a fucking waste of time.

Apply Lipstick to both yourself and the voodoo doll, feed waffles to the voodoo doll. Savor the super-waffles.

You briefly recall the warning Rubi gave to you, not to touch her stuff back when she first shared her inventory with you. Didn't you look different back then? You think when you get back to your room you will put your red dress back on because it is so much cooler. Anyway you figure it should be okay if it is an emergency.



You can't help but feel disappointed as you fail to enjoy super-waffles. This isn't doing anything. This voodoo doll is clearly broken. Stupid voodoo doll.

Just stab repeatedly with your one needle. <_<;

In a fit of disappointed rage you repeatedly stab the voodoo doll with the pin.
"Jor?" Rubi asks from off-screen. "What are you doing?"



"Your voodoo doll is broke." You reply. "I wanted to enjoy super-waffles, but it doesn't work."
"It works fine, you just didn't link it with yourself correctly." Rubi explains. "In order to link a voodoo doll with a person you need something of the head, something of the thread, something of the body and something of the dead."
"Oh." You say.
"Now how about you stop messing around and help me fight this guy?" Rubi asks.

---

> Make a Formspring Account

For some reason you have decided to take this opportunity to create a Formspring account where you can answer questions from people. This is clearly the most useful course of action you could have taken at this point in time.

---

Also, use the linking book. Surely there's something useful in where it links to.

"Hold on Rubi." You say, as you pluck the librarian's diary from your inventory. "I'll be right back."






You shoot a flaming arrow at the pile of books, as the librarian monster writhes some books plummet and reveal a massive black heart. This is probably a weak spot.






The librarian dies... One book angel complete...
What do you mean he doesn't look like an angel?


BLUH BLUH BOOK ANGELS



"Nice work Jor!" Rubi exclaims. "You were all over that weak spot, eventually."
"Saved your ass." You say.
"...Yes, but the time it took to save my ass I had managed to tie up most of his limbs and I had got the book, we could have just walked away." Rubi says. "Oh and by the way... I got the book!" she produces it from her inventory and beams happily.


"So that's everything." Rubi says. "We're now ready to proceed to the afterlife."
"Wait, hang on. Weren't we supposed to have a human sacrifice." You ask.
"Oh right, while you were searching for the reading room I found and incapacitated your demon clone." Rubi replies.
"How incredibly convenient." You respond. "So... what now?"
"Now we go and perform the ritual to open the door." Rubi says.
"Back to the war room then I guess." You say.


"You made it finally." Ioaijeuaio says, as you walk in. "Finally got up off your ass eh Princess?"
"I would advise you I am now armed with a weapon which I wield with an uncanny accuracy despite having only owned it for five minutes. You would do well to stay on my good side." You say humourlessly.
"Woah sorry, I didn't realise it was your time of the month, your highness." The squid replies snidely.
"Hey!" Rubi interrupts diplomatically. "Ioai, why don't you go off to the library, find Jormungandr's unconscious demon clone and bring her back here?"
"Sure thing Rubes." Iaoijeuaio says cheerfully. "Your highness." He says icily, glancing at you, and leaves.


Rubi immediately sets about setting up the ritual.
"I'm just going to go and change into my red dress." You say. "It's so much more iconic." Rubi makes a noise that indicates while she is currently distracted she finds this agreeable.


While you are getting changed you consider that leaving your sisters unsupervised up here is probably not a good idea. You decide to call upon the one person you trust to be your contact in the mortal realm... Yourself.


No, not Yourself; the creator of the popular video game Sminly. Yourself as in you yourself. Via the process of cloning.

> Red yourself with that syringe. Then orange it into the cloning vat.

"Hey Jor." Rubi says, as you re-enter the War Room. "Lookin' sharp. And just in time for the ritual as well."
"Hooray." You say, somewhat unenthusiastically. "Get on with it then. Do whatever you need to do."
"Well I will but you have to do something as well." Rubi says. "Don't worry it's nothing big, you don't have to go off on another fetch quest."
"Well...?" You ask. "What do I have to do?"
"It's simple; when I say you just to stab your demonic clone self through the heart with this poker." Rubi says.
"Pardon?" You ask incredulously.
"You knew this was coming Jor." Rubi says, handing you the poker, she firmly grips your shoulders and guides to over to a spot next to your demon self. "It really should have been obvious; that you would have to kill someone to go to Hell."
"Can't Iaoijeuaio do it?" You ask.
"Iaoijeuaio is on a cigarette break. Like me and the demon agreed while you were off in dreamland." he responds.


You stare down at your demon clone's face. It may be deformed and hideous but there's still some part of you inside there. "Rubi..." you say.
"I know." Rubi replies. "She might superficially look like you but she's part demon. If she was to wake up she wouldn't hesitate to kill you in a heartbeat."
You look down at your demon clone. She's not like you. She's one of the enemy. It's you or her, and it's not going to be you.
"Okay." You say. "I can do this."

SpoilerShow

SpoilerShow

SpoilerShow

It is mere seconds later and you are now this you. As you lie there in a pool of your own blood you wonder just what you have done to deserve this, your life slowly ebbs away and everything fades to black.


You awaken to find yourself standing in line waiting for a ferry to take you to your selected afterlife. Ahead of you is the librarian who used to work in the library but you haven't seen him for years. He has weird arm tentacle things. In front of him is Clone 404; your current librarian, you saw him a little while ago when you fled into the library to avoid the murderous intentions of your other self. Fat lot of good that did you.

So... what now?

---

> Steal that librarian's glasses, those X-eyes are creepy

You seize the Librarian's glasses and take them for your own. The Librarian doesn't seem to mind as he no longer needs them now that he is dead, and his vision is no longer determined by the limitations of his body. You put on the glasses to cover up the dead empty crosses that remain of your eyes. Oh yes. You are looking so stylish right now.

> Make small talk.

Swear revenge on your human clone self..thingy.

>Form a supervillain team-up.

"So... how's things?" You ask awkwardly.
"Not good." The Librarian says sullenly. "All I wanted to do was extract a little revenge from a world that had treated me and my profession so very badly and then this bitch of a princess comes along and murders me." He glances around at you. "No offence."
"None taken." You say quickly. "Me and human Jormungandr aren't exactly BFFs at the moment." You pause dramatically. "She killed me too." The pair of librarians exhibit a complete lack of interest in this shocking development.
"I suppose in retrospect it was my own fault for growing such a ridiculously huge weak spot." The Librarian muses.
"What about you 404?" You ask. "How did you die?"
"Wait, so this really is death?" Clone 404 asks. "I thought it was some kind of elaborate prank."
"Unfortunately not." You say. "What happened?"
"I was in the library and everywhere filled up with this green mist." 404 says thoughtfully. "I went to see what was going on and that's the last thing I remember."



"That's harsh." You say sympathetically. "You know... human Jormungandr was trying to open a portal here to the afterlife."
"If she'd just stood still long enough I could have saved her the trouble." The Librarian quips.
"She'll probably be here any minute." You say. "We could probably ambush her? Get some revenge?"
"I'm up for that." The Librarian says. "I could definitely do with a little revenge."
"What about you, redshirt?" The Librarian asks.
"I don't really have any problem with Jormungandr though." Clone 404 says.
"She could have killed you, you know?" The Librarian says irritably. "Snuck up behind you and smashed you on the head."
"She has been on something of a killing spree." You agree.
"Well I suppose..." 404 says. "She was always calling me brain dead, and she did hit me in the face that one time."
"That's more like it." The Librarian says with a grin.



You are now this you again. You are currently arguing with Rubi.
"You said that she was a monster." You say. "You said that should she wake up she wouldn't hesitate to murder me."
"Yes they were things that I said." Rubi replies.
"She woke up and she just asked me to stop. She didn't try to murder me." You say. "I suppose you probably think it was an act, a ruse to get close to me to murder me later?"
"No." Rubi says. "She didn't want to hurt you." For a moment you are rendered speechless.
"...Then what about the message on my bedroom wall?" You ask eventually. "Where she scrawled the word Die on the wall in cloning goop?"
"Yeah that was me." Rubi says.
"You're not on my side after all are you? You're getting some kind of perverse thrill out of making me kill people aren't you?" You bellow accusingly.
"No." Rubi says. "You had to kill someone to open a portal to the afterlife. That is a simple fact. If I had been honest that she was just like you except for some physical deformities would you have been able to kill her?"
"Well..." You hesitate. "No. Maybe not."
"I did what I had to." Rubi says. "If you want to hate me then that's up to you, but I would do it again if necessary. I am on your side and sometimes that means I might have to convince you to do something you rather wouldn't."

---

>Just walk through, with princessly dignity and aloofness.

"Ugh, whatever." You say. "After all the effort we went to to open this portal we really should make use of it." You walk to the portal, which in front of you looks like a thick black curtain.
"After you Princess." Iaoijaeuiao says, seizing upon your momentary hesitation. You step through.



You emerge on an empty grey beach, surrounded by an almost black ocean; a cold wind blows across the open expanse. Rising in front of you is a titanic orange crystalline structure.



A chorus of voices rings out throughout the expanse in harmony. The voices of men, women and children somehow combine to form a voice that is unique from all of them and disappointingly nasal and monotone. The message conveyed is ultimately a disclaimer. You are somewhat blindsided. This was not what you were expecting from the afterlife.



As you get your bearings you are approached by Clone 404, your librarian.
"404?" You ask concernedly. "You aren't dead are you?"
"Yep." He says. "But it's okay because we're going to ambush you and then head on back to the real world and it'll all be fine."
"Oh right." You say. "Well thanks for the heads-up on that." You pause as he stands there grinning like he has the upper hand. You idly wonder if you were actually correct all of those times you used to joke that his cloning vat malfunctioned while he was still in production.

---

> Yeah, steal headband because shit just got real.

Iaiojeuaio isn't best pleased at this turn of events. He says that that headband was the only scrap of individuality he had to distinguish himself from amongst the other squid guards. You tell him that you don't particularly care because of how stylish you are looking.

---

hiatus time again

Sometime later, but not much. You wake up to discover Iaoijeuaio has taken back his headband. This is a good thing because you didn’t realise just how unfashionable that thing was and inadvertently fell into some kind of fashion coma or something.


But now you are back and you figure it’s about time you got some answers as to what the hell is going on around here.
“I’m looking for an explanation.” You say impatiently, still annoyed with Rubi for tricking you into killing yourself, your other self that is.
“The only explanation I have is that you are incredibly lazy.” Rubi says. “Or if not you then whatever being happens to seize control of your useless frame and wheel it around from place to place in between naps.” You glare critically at Rubi for a couple of seconds and then disregard what was clearly nonsense.
“The big crystal thing…?” You continue regardless. “What the hell is that supposed to be anyway? Some kind of physical representation of neutrality?”


“Don’t be silly.” Rubi says dismissively. “That big crystal thing is a conglomeration made up of the dead souls of everybody who has ever died and been unable to leave this island.”
“...” You say. “I mean, yeah, go on. Elaborate further please.”
“Just because someone is dead doesn’t mean they can’t die. Unless there is some outside force acting upon them they tend to live for a very long time but eventually their essence is weakened significantly. What remains of their souls crystallizes.” Rubi explains. “There are many conglomerations throughout the afterlife. They tend to share the personalities of the souls that make them up. Although in this case they are governed by the need to properly instruct new arrivals on the ins and outs of the afterlife. It calls itself Afterlife Central but most people refer to it as The Ferryman.”
“Oh.” You say. “Obviously that makes much more sense than my theory.”
“Anyway if you want to know more about the afterlife why not actually ask the thing that exists solely to tell people about the afterlife?” Rubi asks. “Some of us have better things to do, you know.”

---

Ask the thing that exists solely to tell people about the afterlife and stop wasting Rubi's time.

Without wasting any time whatsoever you head straight over to the massive crystal structure and enquire as to how to proceed quickly on to Hell.
“To summon a ferry to Hell simply pay a gold coin for each entity that will be making this journey.” The chorus of voices reply. “Please note that the previous information was given for strictly informational purposes and Afterlife Central cannot endorse the extremely dangerous course of action to which it referred.” Without further faffing around you produce a handful of gold coins from Rubi’s inventory and throw them at the base of the monolith.



In the distance a ferry made from the same crystal structure rises from the inky blackness and steers itself eerily towards the desolate island.



“Aren’t you glad that you spent all that time preparing for your trip into Hell?” Rubi asks. “Imagine being in the Afterlife and not having any gold coins. That would be an absurd situation in which to find yourself.” You ignore her, she’s just blathering on with herself. Any minute now you will be well on your way to Hell and there is no way that there could possibly be any further interruptions to your journey… Suddenly and unexpectedly the Librarian and your half demon clone self appear, wielding weapons of dubious effectiveness. You sigh heavily, and wonder where Iaoijeuaio has got to, after all you went to all that trouble to hire him as your bodyguard it would be unfortunate if he missed this potentially once in a lifetime opportunity to actually guard your body.



Elsewhere on the island your highly competent bodyguard investigates a strange phenomenon; a gaseous vortex of dark blue smoke, it idly makes odd clicking noises as the intrepid squid saunters towards it.
“Dude, can you see this thing as well?” Iaoijeuaio asks the recently departed Clone 404, as he reaches out to test the veracity of the apparition.



“Wait!” You exclaim. “There isn’t any need for us to fight you know.” You continue hopefully, not really sure where you are going with this. “The whole killing you thing was a misunderstanding really. And hey think of it as a good thing, here you are on your way to Hell with next to no fuss. You wouldn’t believe the wandering around and finding stuff that I had to do. It was a total drag. In a way you could kind of say I did you a favour saving you all that.” Your demonic doppelganger stares at you icily. “Perhaps I should just shut up?”
“Need a hand?” asks Rubi from over your shoulder. You glance around…



…to see that Rubi has already taken care of the Librarian. His body is beginning to crystallise (a process which was explained to you mere minutes ago as the natural decomposition of the twice dead), and is leaking a viscous orange fluid. Ick, dead people are gross.



“Maybe you’re right.” Demongandr suddenly says. “Perhaps I was a little too hasty just now and you’re right it was all just an unfortunate misunderstanding and we should probably work together and wouldn’t that be great?” She chatters nervously, her eyes not leaving the dismembered body of her recent comrade.
“Don’t be like that.” Rubi smirks as she floated towards Demongandr. “I’ve been looking forward to this…”
“Please don’t kill me again!” she screeches, flinching away from the approaching mischief spirit.
“Leave her.” You say. “She wasn’t entirely unjustified in her actions; we did kill her.” Rubi looks unconvinced. “Look, how about we agree to stop killing one another and save our principality.” Demongandr nods enthusiastically. “There we go, now leave her alone.” Rubi backs off sulking.
“You never let me have any fun.” She says miserably.



“Oh look the ferry’s here.” Rubi says. “Lets get off this boring little rock and head off to Hell.”
“What about Iaoijeuaio?” You ask. There is a noise behind you and you spin around to see…





“There you are.” You say. “Fat lot of good you are. You’re meant to be protecting me and you’re off doing what?” The squid clumsily shrugs it’s shoulders, or at least makes a motion that passes for shrugging it’s shoulders seeing that it does not have shoulders. “Getting stoned I’ll bet, and 404?” Another highly articulate shrug. “I don’t have time to go traipsing after lost brain damaged clones. It’s about time I actually went to Hell, so you know what? Screw him.” You follow Demongandr and Rubi to the ferry, pausing only to gesture your highly eloquent bodyguard to follow you.



And with that you are off, floating along the deep black ocean. Slowly the sky above you changes from dark grey to a sickly green and a red dot in the distance grows as you approach it. You go to Hell.





You are now this you. Thanks to the helpful and as yet unexplained memory transference system inbuilt into the cloning vat you have the memories from the other Jormungandrs right up until they were killed/went through the portal to the afterlife (after which they were out of range of the memory transference thingy). You recall that you cloned this version of yourself to make sure everything was okay here on the surface while your other self went to Hell, but before you get to that you have more pressing issues to deal with: for example what colour dress shall you wear?

---

>Dark blue of course!

You opt to wear your dark blue dress, quickly putting it on because of your crippling modesty which is totally an established thing. You notice that the cloning vat has spewed out one of those printouts that list the various problems that occurred in the cloning process and as a consequence the various problems you now have to contend with. For super futuristic technology they are consistently defective.



You take the printout and read it, it says: “System failure: Clone brain structure partially compromised. Diagnostic systems were unable to ascertain precisely what effects this will have on the Clone, but expected to be moderate to severe on the Fuckup scale.” Excellent. Well you’re off to a flying start. For a moment you contemplate whether or not you have the same crippling phobia of candelabra as your other clone. The thought of a candelabrum doesn’t exactly fill you with dread but you decide to test it anyway.



You reach out to a nearby candelabrum, briefly hesitating before you touch it’s wax encrusted surface. You touch the candle holder without incident and feel both relieved and a little silly at the same time.



Oh and it looks like some stuff has been going on on the other side of the room while you were being cloned.

---

>Construct a robot out of the various materials on that side of the room.

This is a fantastic idea, but since you lack the appropriate levels in Junkcobblery it is nothing more than a hopeless pipe dream.

> Play with the toys for an hour and 73 minutes. exactly.

You sit down to play with your Princess Midgardsormr and Amy plushies, enacting a ludicrously elaborate xanatos roulette of bluffs, double bluffs and outright lies between the two, until you are chastised by Midgardsormr for time wasting. This is an unprecedented event and you are left speechless.

---

>You obviously posses the ability to commune with inanimate objects. Quick! Test newly found talent with most interesting object available!

After a moment of silent reasoning your incredible powers of deduction have led you to the only sensible conclusion: you have miraculously developed Staticopathic powers; the ability to communicate with the inanimate. With a power as highly useful and totally genuine as this the world is your oyster. Why you cannot think of a single problem that cannot be solved with your incredible new power. For example the parcel on your bed, an ordinary human would have to open the parcel to learn its contents. You simply will have a polite chat with the package and soon you will have the answer.



“Hello parcel.” You say confidently. When there is no response you place your hand on the package, after all you were touching Midgardsormr when she spoke to you. “Might I trouble you to ask of your contents?” As you wait for the parcel to reply you start to feel a little bit silly and maybe you were mistaken with your notion of Staticopathic powers. Maybe you just imagined that you heard Midgardsormr bothering you about time wasting; perhaps that was actually the sound of your… conscience? This train of thought is interrupted by muffled snickering from Amy. Midgardsormr shushes her companion and you feel even sillier than before.

Looks like your brain defect is displaying itself. Hopefully the hallucinations won't be too much of a problem.

>Ask Midgardsormr if she knows how to build a robot.

“Aha!” You say, figuring it out. “You’re my brain defect. I’m hallucinating this entire conversation.”
“That’s one explanation.” Amy responds. “But in truth we are who we appear to be. After a particularly successful visit to the depths of Hell we were just enjoying a delicious cup of tea in Hades’ Crystal Home when we were struck down by the curse of a powerful warlock, one who hated Hades and his gaudy Crystal Home (apparently it was driving down property values in the area). We were transformed into what you see before you; a pair of plush toys. We barely managed to escape from Hell, we come to you beseeching you, asking you to help us battle this powerful warlock. Help us Princess Jormungandr, you are our last hope.” Once again you are left speechless.
“Don’t mind him.” Mid says after a second. “None of that is true by the way. We’re just ordinary plush toys.”
“Well… yes that is true.” Amy says. “But the truly remarkable thing is not us, it is you Princess Jormungandr. You see although you might not be aware of this your father; King Fimbulvetr, was in fact a plush toy. As a consequence you are the world’s only half human half plush toy and as such you have the ability to speak to both them and us.”
“That isn’t true either.” Mid says, as though you needed to be told that. “Well probably not. I don’t know why you can communicate with us.”
“It’s because she is the Chosen One!” Amy exclaims. “She will liberate our people from the hands of drooling toddlers the world over. One day we will live in perfect harmony with a plush toy enjoying the same rights and privileges as a human. Then at some point we will take it too far and the plush toys will enslave the humans. There will be no task to minor, or too demeaning that a human cannot be flogged to death while they do it. And it will be all thanks to you Princess.”
“That’s not true either, right?” You ask.
“…”
“Either way you aren’t exactly going to be much help.” You hesitate as a thought crosses your mind. “Unless you could build me a robot?”
“I cannot.” Mid responds. “You know, since I am inanimate.”
“I can!” Amy says. “I will build it out of shiny black obsidian, with claws as sharp as knives and the cold black heart of a killer.” He pauses. “Also it will breathe fire.”
“…Then I am going to do something productive with my time.” You say, withdrawing from this bizarre conversation.

Ignore them and open the box.

Leaving the bewildering pair of plush toys to argue amongst themselves you return your attention to the parcel and what it could contain. You open the box and gaze inside.

SpoilerShow

Wherein you find a smaller blue box. Simultaneously intrigued and confused you go to take out the blue box, but as you touch it it shrinks down and vanishes.



This is the worst game of pass the parcel ever.

You check the label on the box for any clues as to what that was or what it was doing in your bedroom. The name of the company brings you some measure of clarity; Hammerspace Inventory Solutions. They are a Fenrian company that specialise in making massive, yet compact, inventories for wealthy adventurers. Their products are always ludicrously expensive. Oddly you don’t remember buying this, and something this expensive you would remember buying. Still you aren’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth especially one that is so incredibly serendipitous.



In the spirit of experimentation you reach out and touch the empty package with your fingertip. It promptly vanishes into your inventory. You are truly the master of inventories.

---

>You've got a fancy new inventory and memories of having to dick around like a peasant by CARRYING things. Retaliate by iventorying everything you see, potentially helpful or not.

> Check on the war. Bring Midgardsormr

This is what you’ve been waiting for. Too long have you been carrying things around in your hands like some kind of commoner. Now you have one of the best inventories money can buy you’re going to pick things up like it’s going out of fashion. PRINCESS MIDGARDSORMR PLUSH TOY, AMY PLUSH TOY, A PORTRAIT OF UNCLE BILLY, TWO PILLOWS, A TOWEL, A MIRROR, ONE GOO SOAKED CANDELABRUM, FIVE REGULAR CANDELABRA, YOUR GREEN DRESS, A STOOL, DEMONGANDR’S CLONE VAT PRINTOUT, YOUR CLONE VAT PRINTOUT and TWO HANGARS are added to your inventory. Also you discovered one spoon and added it to your intangible spoon cache.





On the one hand hooray for inventories, on the other hand this feels a lot like tidying up, which now that you come to think of it is much more low class than just carrying stuff around… Either way with your work done in here, you begin to make your way to the war room to actually do something useful.



In the hallway you notice someone has cordoned off the hole you dug earlier and wonder if perhaps they didn’t have something better to be doing with their time?



In the War Room there is a group of people gathered around the table. In addition to Hel and Fenrir there is General Oioujuoaie and one of Hel’s dryads (a species who are half human and half sentient plant) who you don’t think you have met before. Your voice crackles out of a yPhone that has been set down on the table.
“Can’t you deal with this on your own?” The other Jormungandr asks. “I’m going to be a bit busy what with being in Hell and everything, you can’t come running to me every five minutes.”
"Look, all we need is to agree that I'm in charge." Hel says. "Then we can all stop arguing amongst ourselves and get to beating back these bastard demons."
"Pardon me your highnesses but as the highest ranking military professional in this room I feel I should be the one coordinating our military response." General Oioujuoaie suggests, placing heavy emphasis on the word 'military'.
"This squid doesn't have the guts to lead a military campaign, please tell me he's your General only through seniority." Hel snaps.
"Oh of course I'm nowhere near as assertive as your Brigadier." The General mocks.
"Okay okay, look I started decanting a new clone as I left." Jormungandr says beleagueredly. "Until I get back she's in charge of sorting out any problems you might have." You clear your throat self-consciously.
“Hey.” You say. There’s an awkward pause in the conversation as the group ponders conversational etiquette when talking to two clones of the same person. “I hear you need some help.” You offer hopefully.
“Hey, me.” Jormungandr says, then addressing someone else “Not you, I’m talking to another me on the phone.” A pause, then she continues. “Hello?”
“Yes, hello.” You reply.



“I’m on speakerphone right? Could I have a word privately?” Jormungandr says.
“Sure…” you reply, picking up the phone. It accidentally vanishes into your inventory. Erm… whoops. Well no problem, you’ll just get it out, by… erm… you aren’t sure actually. How do you work this thing exactly?
“Are you there?” Jormungandr asks, her voice as loud and clear as if she were in the room with you.
“Erm…” You hesitate. “Hold on, I’m having an issue.”

---

SpoilerShow

Portal 2

TCHoRT is back and intent upon getting revenge upon you, but with your new ally Rubely you might just get out of this hell alive.

>Tell General Oioujuoaie to get the phone, then inventory him. He should be able to find his way out and bring the phone with him; hopefully when he gets out he'll have some insight into how the inventory works.

Just walk into a different room. Oh, be sure to scowl and say Do you MIND? and walk off in a huff.

You figure the General is pretty loyal, he won’t mind being dumped unceremoniously into your inventory with no known means of retrieval. Even if you can’t work out this damnable inventory he should probably be fine so long as you remember to inventory some plankton from time to time.
“Get the phone.” You say, grasping a tentacle. The General squirms uncomfortably under your grip and looks incredibly bewildered by this turn of events, but otherwise nothing happens. Okay new plan. “Do you MIND?!” You exclaim, and stride off into the Hall.



“Do I want to know what is going on topside?” Jormungandr asks.
“I doubt it.” You say. “Inventory problems.”
“Not having an inventory does kind of suck.” Jormungandr admits. “When this is over I’m going to order one, I reckon. Have you considered getting yourself a Rubi in the meantime.”
“I’ll have you know that I am an individual, not some kind of species of helpful demon. You cannot get one of me for all your friends to boss around.” You hear Rubi say sulkily.
“No, that’s not the problem.” You say. “I have an inventory I just don’t know how to use it.”
“When did you get an inventory?” Jormungandr asks incredulously.
“It was in a package in our bedroom, had our name on it.” You say. “I thought you might remember when we ordered it.”
“Nope.” Jormungandr says. “Keeping track of events is hard, best to just go with the flow.”
“That’s more or less the attitude I was taking.” You say. “But I have no idea how to work the damn thing.”
“Have you tried turning it off and on again?” Rubi asks helpfully.
“No I have not.” You say. “Also I didn’t know I was on speakerphone. Excellent.”
“Rubi has an inventory, so she’s obviously an expert in how to use them.” Jormungandr says.
“Yeah, that’s exactly how it works.” Rubi says sarcastically. “Hey! Jormungandr, other Jormungandr.” She says, suddenly enthusiastic. “Not you. The one on the phone.”



“Yeah?” You respond.
“I’ve got a riddle for you.” Rubi says. “What requires two people-”
“Oh no, stop this right now!” Jormungandr exclaims. “Give me the phone back this instant!”
“-involves a swapping of bodily fluids-”
“Shut up shut up shut up shut up!”
“and eventually results in a new life arriving in the world-”
“LALALALALA WE CAN’T HEAR YOU!”
“-naked and covered in slime?”
“Uhm…” You say hesitantly.
“WRONG!” Rubi exclaims. “The answer is merged DNA cloning.”
“I hate you.” Jormungandr says.
“That’s right!” Rubi continues. “Red Jormungandr here had sexytimes with a Monstrosity.”
“That is the worst thing I have ever been told.” You say. “I hate you now.”
“You’re welcome.” Rubi says.



“I’m going now.” You say. “I can’t hang up though so you’ll just have to do that yourselves.”
“Wait.” Rubi says. “If you’re really having a problem with your inventory, look it up in the manual.”
“It didn’t have one.” You say. “...But there might be one in the library I guess.”
“Our library has a ridiculous selection of books.” Jormungandr agrees. “Oh! That’s what I wanted to tell you about. Clone 404 is dead, I saw him in the afterlife. While I can’t rule out that he somehow managed to off himself by accident, I think it would be a good idea to be careful in there.”
“Thanks for the heads up.” You say. You guess you could quickly visit the library and sort your inventory out before you end up holding the entire contents of your castle, or you could attend the war council, or whatever really; that is the beauty of being a princess.

SpoilerShow

>Head on over to the library

Go to the library.

>It occurs that you should probably bring someone with you so you don't end up inventorying the book before you can read it.

You pop back into the War Room and announce that you’d like someone to help you in the library for a moment. If you had to gauge the mood of the group you would say they look primarily bored and a little bit pissed off. The dryad to whom you are unfamiliar responds.
“Sure, I’ll go with you.” He says. “If it’ll you know, move this thing on a little bit. There is kind of a war on you know. If you hadn’t checked.”
“Thanks.” You say courteously.
“No problem.” He says. “The name’s Bracken. Brigadier Bracken, but you know, just Bracken will do. Or just Brigadier if you want. I’m not fussy.”



As you head down the corridor Bracken informs you that he is in fact a dryad, you know just in case you were wondering, and it’s totally okay if you want to ask him anything. He realises that not many people outside of the Principality of Hel actually meet a dryad and it’s totally cool if you’d like to know if he can like make plants grow or stuff like that. You tell him you’ll bear it in mind, as you arrive at the door to the library. Evidently someone really thinks there is something dangerous in there.



As you enter the library you are overwhelmed by an acrid smell like something slowly rotting in the sun, and are met by a curtain of thick green fog.
“Ugh god.” Bracken says. “Your library isn’t supposed to smell like this is it? Because that’s a really inappropriate smell for a library.” Emerging from the doorway you see thick dark green goop covering the shelves, and dangling from the ceiling some kind of slime encrusted object. “Oh man.” Bracken continues. “This is the worst library I’ve ever been in.” He pauses. “Well technically, you know, the only library I have ever been in but it’s still pretty bad.”

---

>Inventory that green fog.

After grasping ineffectually at the air around you for a minute or two you chalk it up to the obviously poor design of this elite inventory. You will have a word with whoever it is that owns Hammerspace Inventory Solutions as soon as this crisis has blown over. Until then you will just have to be content with inventorying reasonable items.

>Put on a pair of shades so you can remove them and say "Error 404. Corpse not found." Feel like a badass. Feel less like a badass when you realize it should be "corpse found" because I mean what else could that thing be but that doesn't fit the joke. Feel like an idiot for making a dumb one-liner that doesn't even work in front of someone new.

“Error 404. Corpse not found.” You do not let the fact that you have no shades that you can put on and take off for dramatic emphasis and the fact that even if you did you would not be able to do because of inventory issues put you off from putting on and taking off a pair of shades as you make your awesome pun. Bracken stares at you uncomprehendingly. “It’s a joke.” You say. “You have them in Hel right? Hel hasn’t gone so far as to outlaw jokes?”
“No.” Bracken says. “No you’re right. Comedy. I like comedy. Comedy’s good. Can’t beat a bit of comedy, that’s what I always say. Lightens the mood. Helps you relax. You know. It’s good. I liked it. Can’t say I understood it, but that’s just me.” He pauses. “By the way, you erm, appear to have… some kind of erm… physical tic. In your hands. They went all funny for a minute. Maybe get that looked at, perhaps?”
“No it was part of the joke.” You say. “Because I was being that guy off the crime scene investigation program.”



“And he’s like a broken down robot is he?” Bracken says. “When presented with an area that does not contain a corpse his programming falters and he defaults to bizarre hand movements and non-sequiturs?”
“No!” You insist. “Error 404 is an internet thing, when they can’t find the page you are looking for.”
“Oh.” Bracken says. “We plants and half plants have a network of roots that span under the Principality that is more or less the same thing as the internet; except when it can’t find the thing you are looking for you get an asymmetrical formation of amber instead of this Error 404 thing. What you could have said was: ‘Atypical amber coagulation: no corpses here’.”
“Either way it doesn’t work.” You say, getting tired of trying to explain the intricacies of your inherently flawed joke to a man who apparently shares no cultural reference points. “Because that is quite clearly 404’s body encased in sludge up there.”
“Oh you reckon?” Bracken asks. “Well probably, now you mention it that does look a bit suspicious. Perhaps what we are looking at here is the corpse of your librarian after all. Which rather unfortunately ruins that joke you did before. Which is a shame, you know, I quite liked your joke. Well, you know, once it had been properly explained it was very amusing.”

>Reconnoiter nearby areas of the library while asking Brigbrack to expound on his racial abilities and quirks.

As you follow the trail of slime seeking the beast that attacked and killed 404 you ask the Brigadier to tell you a little bit about the dryads.
“Well as you know Hel has always been something of a turbulent Principality. In the old days, a couple of years ago it was always one bad day away from being an all out race war between the humans and the sentient plants. That was until we dryads, half human and half plant, were officially declared a distinct species in of ourselves. Since then the reported incidents of racism, hate-crimes and interspecies skirmish between humans and plants have plummeted. I’d like to think that us dryads have helped bring together two sworn enemies and show them that they aren’t all that different from one another. We haven’t, but I’d like to think that. It’s better than thinking that neither species can stand you and have in fact teamed up specifically to hunt you down.” Bracken explained.



“And as for special abilities well it does kind of depend what genus you are. Those that descend from snap traps gain the vice like strength of their ancestors; those that descend from flypaper traps get use of sticky mucilage. I’m just foliage so I don’t get any of the good stuff. Tell you the truth I don’t even flower. I get the thick bark-like skin of course; everyone gets that, the root network and also if I eat well, and photosynthesise plenty of energy during the day then I don’t need to sleep. Which you know, isn’t bad. I can’t grumble really.”



You eventually arrive at a familiar doorway, emerging from which are two trails of slime, one heading off to the entrance, the other, who knows? This doesn’t seem like the work of The Librarian as a) he died and b) he would not approve of slime on his precious books. You remember that 404 told you that this was where The Librarian kept his most secret and powerful tomes, you can all but guarantee that you will not find the manual you are looking for in there, but without either librarian alive to give directions on where you might be able to find this manual you have no idea where it could be. It would take weeks to pore through this entire library, even if there wasn’t a horrible slime monster on the loose or a war on.
“What are we doing?” asks Bracken. “We’re not going down that ominous tunnel are we? I really hope we aren’t going down that ominous tunnel. We are going down the ominous tunnel aren’t we? I just knew it. The first time I saw that ominous tunnel I was like ‘I bet I have to go down that’. It’s been one of those days.”

SpoilerShow

Updated Library Map (only observed changes have been marked):

---

The Royal Wedding happened

“Now I have you.” The demon laughed demonically. “And there is nobody who is going to save you this time!”
“Help!” pleaded Princess Jormungandr, struggling against the demon’s strong grip. “If only a brave handsome Hellcaller would save me from this awful demon…”



“Fear not.” Said the brave handsome Hellcaller. “I will save you from this awful demon.”
“Oh my hero.” Replied Princess Jormungandr.
“What is going on here?” asked the demon.
“You’re about to pay for kidnapping my fiancée!” James Nox, Hellcaller extraordinare said.



“Oh help!” the demon said. “Please don’t kill me James Nox.”
“No.” said James Nox and then he killed the demon.



“Hooary!” said the princess as she kissed the handsome Hellcaller on the mouth. “This is the best day ever.”
“Lets get married.” James said. “Right here.”
“But we are in Hell.” Jormunagndr said. “We cannot have a wedding here.”
“Do not worry, I did prepare you know.” And then the wedding was on.



“Do you Princess Jormungandr take this awesome hellcaller dude to be your husband and all that?” asked the priest.
“I do.” Jormungandr said eagerly.
“And do you James Nox, Hellcaller extraordinaire take this woman to be your wife etc, and so on…?” asked the priest.
“Yes.” Nox said. “And now for the honeymoon…”



...writes James Nox. This is clearly his best peice of Princess Jormungandr fanfiction ever, seeing as it's grounded in about 75% FACT.



There he is right now. Arsing around despite the fact that he made a decision to try to be less of a useless braggart and help you escape from Hell.

Unfortunately you cannot be James Nox right now because you are too busy being you, and he is too busy writing pervy fanfiction about you. Maybe later.

---

>Don't be ridiculous, of course you won't be going down that tunnel.

You'll go UP that tunnel instead!

You carefully make your way up the ominous tunnel, Bracken hanging back as much as possible. “Are you quite sure that this is the only option?” He asked. “I don’t mean to contradict you or anything. I’m sure you know your own business, but wasn’t there a selection of maps back there? Surely we could just find the book you need on a handy map of the library?”
“They’re useless really.” You counter. “Just a dense jumble of brightly coloured symbols that while indicating where a shelf is give no indication as to what any given shelf is. Whoever designed them was clearly an idiot, and I could say the same for whoever designed this whole library.”



In the reading room, all of the Librarian’s precious demonic tomes are covered in the disgusting slime. But otherwise it is as empty as it was the last time you were here. “It’s safe. See, nothing but a dead end, we’re fine.” You say to Bracken, who is hanging back a ways in the corridor. “Perhaps it’s not even really a problem? I take a blood sample; make a new clone to pick things up and all that other hands on stuff, and I just make sure I don’t go around touching anything I have need of. That is a feasible idea right?”
“I guess.” Bracken says. “I don’t really know much about cloning, we don’t have it in Hel. Say is it true that clones reproduce asexually? Just split in half like amoebas?”
“Yeah, sure, why not.” You say. “Let’s go.”



“Excuse me Jor.” A booming voice stops you, for an ominous booming voice it sounds surprisingly well educated and a little pretentious. It seems to be coming from all around you.
“Who goes there?” Bracken blusters into the room as though he’s going to be of some help.
“Sorry, I apologise for the over familiarity.” The voice says. “What I meant to say was May I beg your pardon Your Highness. Cloning, it’s a tricky business isn’t it? I just so happened to meet a clone of yours in the Pit. Jor and I, we got on like a house on fire. It seems only natural that you and I should get along, don’t you think?”



The source of the voice becomes apparent as eyes spring open from the demonic ooze. Before you can formulate a response the slime creature continues. “There is no need for such alarm, Princess. I assure you that I am playing for Team Jormungandr, I know a winning team when I see one. Okay The Sareta Scorpions you are not, but that is why you need my assistance. I believe I can be of some assistance with regards to this book you are looking for.”

>Well, first things first, find out who the hell this thing is

Your confidence somewhat buoyed by the fact that this demon doesn’t appear to be attempting to murder you just yet, you demand: “Okay, first things first, who the hell are you?”



“I do apologise Your Highness.” The demon replies. “It has been so long since I had civilised company, I have completely forgotten my manners. My name is Samigina, but I would much prefer that you called me Sam. In terms of demons I am a scholar, not a fighter, and oft-times more a merchant than a scholar. My dominion, such as it is, is over delicious delectable information. You give me information; I in turn give you information. Luckily for you I have the memories of both of your librarians at my disposal. I can tell you where pretty much any book is in this absurd library.”

SpoilerShow

Mirroring is now complete. I really need to update this though because it's pretty clear that this update doesn't really leave you with much to do. Expect an update soon.

>Hang on a second. Demons usually want something from you. Find out what he wants before you agree to anything.

>Well, that sounds pretty not-fetch-questy for once. Ask him what kind of information he'd need in exchange for one specific book's location.

“I’ve been down this road before.” You say. “You’re a demon. You must want something from me. Before I give you a scrap of information you’re going to tell me what you want.” It is difficult to sigh without a mouth, Sam somehow manages it.
“I have been completely upfront with you, your highness.” He replies. “I just wish information. I give you my word.” Regardless, you are still a little suspicious.
“What kind of information do you want?” You ask.
“A memory of yours.” Sam says. “But, I am afraid, not one that you would be able to provide without assistance.”
“Aha!” Bracken exclaims from somewhere behind you. “I knew it. I said to myself, this one’s gonna be trouble, and I was right. You can’t one past me that easy, let me tell you. You’ve gotta get up pretty early in the morning to get one past old Bracken.”
“Why wouldn’t I be able to recall this without your nebulous assistance?” You ask.
“Well you see… the thing is… human memories; they’re pretty abysmal when it comes to memory retrieval.” The demon paused for a moment, before amending himself, “in the hands of their human owners that is. Things are misfiled and oft times misremembered. I need accurate information, and furthermore, I believe the incident in question is likely to be something you no longer consciously possess memories of. Call it a ‘hunch’ why don’t you?”



“So…” you say. “Assuming I want to go through with this-”
“Why would you want to go through with this?” Bracken interrupted incredulously. “Listen to me here: this one, I don’t trust him. We’d do better to leave well enough alone. We’ll find the book eventually and without no demon messing around on the inside of your head.”
“Assuming I wanted to go through with this,” you reiterate, “how exactly would we do it?”
“You reach out and touch me,” Sam replied, “and you let me do the rest.”
“Yeaaaah…” Bracken said slowly. “I told you this was a bad idea, don’t you say that I didn’t. Come on, let’s get searching this library shelf by shelf.” There’s a long moment of indecision, where you can pretty much feel Bracken hanging by the doorway, waiting for you to follow him back down the passageway.
“Would it help your ruminations to learn that this book is one I have already ingested, as it were; that the data you seek now exists only in my own personal memory banks?” Sam asked. “I implore you not to think of this as me strongarming you into an unfair situation. I foresee a profitable relationship blooming between the two of us, and all I need for the moment is momentary access to your memories. I give you my word it will take less than a minute.” Another pause.
“…Fine.” You reply eventually. You turn to Bracken who has a look of disbelief and horror upon his face.
“If this takes longer than he says…” You end the sentence with a meaningful glance, which you hope communicates the idea of doing something about the situation.
“You’re mad.” Bracken says. “You’re barking mad.”



You walk over towards the main body of Samignia, and as you do so a tentacle of green sludge rises to greet you.
“One minute?” You ask.
“One minute.” Sam replies.
“And no peeking at my private memories.”
“I would not dream of it.”
“’Oh hello I know I am a demon, and as such one of your enemies, but any chance you’d like to do a Vulcan mindmeld so that I can implant you with behavioural controls and whatnot’ ‘Oh yes that would be pretty great, take me now.’” Bracken hangs back and muttered to himself, as you reach out and rest your hand upon the green slime.



As soon as your hand touches the cold slime you find yourself in one of your memories. You float in the waters of the guard’s quarters idly daydreaming about more competent princesses while beneath you Rubi and Iaoijeuaio appear to be chatting about their favourite Sportsball teams. You find the experience strange, for a minute or two you float there, present enough to experience everything again just as it was, but not so present as to take initiative and attempt to change things.



Suddenly everything is obscured by green. Sam's giant eye hangs in nothingness, glancing this way and that through your memories.
"Okay your highness. This shouldn't take a minute..."



Your sense of time in this green void is not the best, but eventually you have to ask, “I could have sworn that it had been longer than a minute?”
“Your memory…” Sam replies, “…it’s like the cerebral equivalent of… of your library. How in the world do you ever find anything in here?”
“I don’t really think about the past.” You reply with a shrug.
“You are missing a not insignificant amount of time, you know.” Sam says. “A day missing here, a week missing there… this is rather quite alarming.” A pause. "Oh hang on I think I found it."



Suddenly you’re seven years old. Though the details of the memory are occluded by Samigina’s presence, you can still feel the emotions. You feel anxious. You’re pretty sure you are ill; you feel boiling hot and you ache all over. You feel alone, you just want to be with your daddy. You’re petrified. You think you’re probably crying.
"Whoops.” Sam says. “My most sincere apologies your highness, I saw a repressed memory and I was pretty sure that it was going to be what I was looking for. I appear to have overshot. Umm…”
“I don’t want to do this any more.” You say, overwhelmed by the emotion of whatever this is. “I want to go home. Let me out, let me go home and see my daddy. I mean just let me go Sam.”
“Sorry sorry sorry.” Sam replies unhelpfully. “If you… just… hold… on… one… minute…”
“I want to go home now!” You exclaim.





You are now temporarily Brigadier Bracken. The Princess has been underneath that demon’s trance thing for a couple of minutes now and you’re starting to get a little concerned, especially with the way that there is slime crawling its way up her highness’ arm. You told her not to do it, but nooo, nobody ever listens to you. For the amount that people listen to you, you might as well be a song that nobody likes or something along those lines but more amusing. You figure you really should be doing something about the Princess and the demon, but knowing specifically what is sort of a problem.

>

>Whatever you try to do, have it end with you getting yourself stuck in Memoryspace.

Just read through this and found it to be pretty excellent indeed.

> Touch the green slime. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong from doing this.

> If you're feeling less than willing to touch demons you hold deep distrust for, simply wait and make sure the green slime doesn't creep up on Jormungandr too much. Pull her away if necessary.

>Well, it's been more than a minute. Just pull her away! You know, physically.

> this girl is a lost cause, prolly got all sorts of demon-mind tendrils stuck in her already. Just use a particularly pointy piece of bark to get a blood sample and take it to that clonamawhatzit she was talking about earlier.

>Well, it's been more than a minute. Just pull her away! You know, physically.

Yeah it's definitely been more than a minute.


"Alright." You say. "Come on now. That's enough mucking about cavorting with eldritch monstrosities for one afternoon." There is, of course, no response. You don't know what you were expecting really. "I told her." You mutter to yourself as you try to pull her free of the demon's icky grasp.

She's stuck pretty fast and, though it could just be your imagination, you'd almost think the more you pull against its grip the tighter it becomes. "I told her this was a bad idea. I specifically said 'this is a bad idea' but nope. Nobody ever listens to old Bracken. Don't know why I even open my mouth in the first place."

After a minute spent pulling and moaning you are no closer to extricating her from the monstrosity's tendrils but you are making steady progress in dislocating Jormungandr's shoulder.



With Plan A gone exactly nowhere you stop and contemplate an alternative, at a safe distance of course. No ideas are immediately forthcoming and it occurs to you that perhaps the Princess expected you to slay the demon should things go horribly awry.

You contemplate that possibility for a moment and decide that whilst you could obviously give that a go you should try to reason with the thing first. After all it wouldn't be very nice to go around killing people without even asking if they would cooperate with you first, even if they aren't actually people but rather treacherous amoral demons. Yeah that's pretty definitely the reason.


"Hello." you say awkwardly. "I don't think we've been introduced. I'm Brigadier Bracken of the Hellian Standing Militia and I'd very much appreciate it if you would release my charge from your demonic clutches." Nothing.

"Hello...?" You repeat yourself and wave a hand in front of the heap of goop you have come to consider to be Sam's face. Yet more nothing. He's probably too distracted rifling through Princess Jormungandr's private memories and doesn't even seem to notice your existence. If only you had some way to force him to pay attention to you.

>Whatever you try to do, have it end with you getting yourself stuck in Memoryspace.

> Touch the green slime. There is absolutely nothing that can go wrong from doing this.

You can't believe you're going to touch this slimy bastard. "This is a really bad idea." You say, but like everyone else in the world you don't pay yourself any heed and you touch the demon slime.


In a moment your life seems to flash before your eyes. You relive the moment you sprouted from your Mother Tree, you relive a lonely childhood as a pupil of Tartarus School for Impressionable Young Minds, you relive your relationship with Rose; your first love, you relive a demon telling you to just hold on a minute.

Oh no wait that wasn't a memory that was Sam. "Ah hello." You say confidently. "I'm Brigadier Bracken of the Hellian Standing Militia and you're still not listening to me are you?" There is no response and your memories have since ceased to replay before your eyes. Resignedly you remove your hand from the slime.

> this girl is a lost cause, prolly got all sorts of demon-mind tendrils stuck in her already. Just use a particularly pointy piece of bark to get a blood sample and take it to that clonamawhatzit she was talking about earlier.

You are now Princess Jormungandr again. You are still stuck in some long repressed memory and for the last couple of minutes (or maybe longer, you're having difficulty keeping track of the time in this featureless void) Sam has been pretty much ignoring you.


Suddenly your father is there, holding you tightly and whispering to you that everything is going to be okay, that he's sorted it all out. His voice sounds strained, like he's been arguing with someone... or crying? To your annoyance you cannot help but feel reassured by his presence, but you're not going to let it go that easily.

"Give it up Sam." You say sternly. "I'm not going to be placated by your fake memories. Let me out of here, RIGHT NOW."
"If you could just be quiet for one second... your Highness." Sam replies indelicately. "Let me assure you that this is not some manipulation, simply the course that this particular memory takes."
"Yeah right." You scoff.

"Okay I believe we are done here." Samigina says finally, and you snap back to reality


"Um, hi." Bracken says. "This is awkward... I'll just... um... wait over there then."


"I don't expect you're going to tell me how to work my inventory now?" You ask.
"No, I-" Sam replies.
"Typical." You interrupt. "I don't suppose you ever had the information in the first place."
"No, I was going to say, I thought it would save time to insert the contents of the manual directly into your memory banks, and so I have done. You already have your information." Sam says. "You're welcome."

You are surprised to find that this is true. Though you have no memories of ever reading it you can recall the manual of the Mk. 4 Hammerspace Inventory Device in excruciating detail. It turns out it responds to a specific series of thoughts and gestures. You should never have a problem operating your inventory ever again.

SpoilerShow

1. you have no idea, what the hell is this thing?,
2. the parcel that contained this inventory,
3. Princess Midgardsormr plush toy,
4. Amy plush toy,
5. portrait of Uncle Billy,
6. your favourite pillow,
7. your other pillow,
8. a candelabrum,
9. another candelabrum,
10. a flourescent pink towl,
11. the mirror from your dresser,
12. yet another candelabrum,
13. good god another candelabrum,
14. a candelabrum covered in some kind of half-solidified goop,
15. your green dress,
16. a stool,
17. what the hell is up with all the candelabra,
18. a hangar,
19. another hangar,
20. the cloning machine printout for the Jormungandr before you,
21. your cloning machine printout,
22. your yphone, no actually this is someone else's yphone (fenrir's?)

It appears your inventory is full... already.


Just to make sure everything's working okay you produce something from your inventory. You have no idea what this is. Maybe it's like when you get a computer and it inevitably comes with some pictures and music preinstalled, like a sample object?


"Yeah, well thanks for that at least." You say.
"I just hope that our future business will not be quite so stressful." Sam says.
"You think we're going to have future business?" You ask indignantly. "Do you really think I'm going to put myself at your mercy again? Didn't you get all the private and personal memories you wanted from me already?"
"Once more I apologise for the demanding nature of our transaction, but if I meant to harm you wouldn't I have done so already? I am not your enemy." Sam insisted. "And since you asked, I did not find the information I was seeking."
"Good I'm glad." You say. You turn to leave, but stop half way and wheel around. "Get out of my castle. You might not be my enemy but if you're still here the next time I come by I will be your enemy."


Bracken is, for once, silent as you make your way back through the library. Of course it doesn't last long and as soon as you're out of the secret passage he's retelling your encounter with Samigina.

His enthusiastic disbelief just washes over you. Your attention is elsewhere; you can't stop thinking about that memory. You wish you'd demanded an explanation from Sam, but you don't think you would have gotten one anyway. And that whole thing about your memory being a mess; missing time and repressed memories... And just what did Sam want from your memories anyway?


"He's just playing mind games with you." Bracken says. "Like, literally playing games with your mind. Just don't let him get under your skin..." he paused. "Not again at any rate."

"You might be right." You say after a moment. You try to shrug it off but can't help but scrutinise the library door. It doesn't look the most secure and you don't really like the thought of giving Sam any more free reign than he already has.

"Are you actually taking my advice?" Bracken asks incredulously. "That never happens. Want to make it two for two and let's hurry back on to the War Room and get this War Council out of the way?"

>

SpoilerShow

:D

Sure. While you're at it, wiggle your arm. It appears to have become either stained or a tentacle. You could be a tentacular mindbeast protospawn right now! :O

SpoilerShow

Not an actual update (though I'm working on one to celebrate the terrifying fact that I started this six years ago) but I wanted to note that due to shame/plot developments outside of this adventure I've slightly tweaked some aspects of the adventure. If you're not in the mood to read the entire thing and try to guess which aspects have been altered (that seems like it would be a really odd mood to be in) here are the highlights:



The map of the castle has been adjusted to more resemble any building ever created. No visited areas have been affected, save for the fact that there's now a pantry on the side of the kitchen we've completely neglected to explore until now. Also I know the alleyway is the wrong way around but I tried.


The map in the War Room now looks like this. I haven't changed it in the background of every scene its in because I don't hate myself that much.


The picture on the bookcase in the War Room now looks like this. The section where the picture is examined now reads:

It's a picture of you and Seraphinia. Sera's a full time adventurer, seemingly always in the midst of some kind of exciting exploit. You met when she rescued you from a rampaging mutant and while yes the imperiled princess falling for her saviour is such a cliché, you are dating.

You briefly wonder where she is, but you know if anyone's tough enough to survive a demon invasion it's Sera.

Look forward to an actual update soon (hopefully).

Sure. While you're at it, wiggle your arm. It appears to have become either stained or a tentacle. You could be a tentacular mindbeast protospawn right now! :O

Sadly you have once again failed to acquire cool demon physiology. Your arm is just thick with demon goop. You doubt it will ever be quite clean again. Ew. You also notice your other arm is now sporting a tourniquet and bleeding a little and shoot Bracken an inquisitive look.

“Uh yeah, that was me.” He admits. “I was going to clone you, yes, but it’s not like you think. I didn’t think you were going to die I knew you’d do whatever it was you did to escape from that monster’s clutches I just, uhh, thought it’d be handy to have a backup you know.”

You roll your eyes and make a mental note not to entrust your safety to the Brigadier again. “Okay sure, whatever. How about we get on and finally get this War Council over with?”



Someone is really concerned about people falling down this hole. You’re all for safety (you suppose) but messing up your castle is your job damn it. And the hole’s not even that deep. You spare a glance down into the hole and, actually it looks deeper than you remember. It looks pretty dark down there actually.

“You’re not about to throw yourself down there are you?” Bracken asks. “Did you somehow miss all the warning signs?”

“Did you see who did this?” You ask.

“No, that hole’s been there since I got here.” Bracken says. “Can’t blame me for that one.”

“I meant- nevermind.” You say. “Come on then.”



“We have returned triumphant!” Bracken announces as you walk in. “Let me regale you with the tale of how the fair Princess Jormungandr vanquished, well no not vanquished I guess, but certainly gave a good talking to to a terrible vicious odious demon. It all began when-”

“You okay Jor?” Hel interrupts concernedly.

“I’m a little shook up but I’m okay.” You say, giving a shy smile. “Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Hah!” Hel snorts. “These demons ought to have known better than to pick on my little sister.”

“So the demon in question is dead then?” The General asks.

“Well no.” You reply. Hel’s grin falters.

“Well, it’s gonna wish it was when I’m through with it.” She snaps. “The library right?”



“Leave it Hel.” You reply wearily. “It’s a massive blob thing. Punching it really hard isn’t going to make any difference.”

“You don’t know how hard I’m going to punch it.” Hel retorts. “It will feel it.”

“Don’t we have a council to hold?” Fenrir sounds even more tired than you do.

“That’s right.” Oioujuoaie pipes up. “Since you, uh, your other self descended into Hell we got the first reports in from the field.” He motions you over to the map.



“There are three known incursion points.” General Oioujuoaie explains.

“You mean hellholes.” Hel says. “Just call them hellholes.”

“Incursion Point alpha,” the general pauses to briefly glare at Hel, “is located in the heart of Jormunopolis. It caught everyone off guard and I am sad to report a large number of casualties. The demons essentially control Jormunopolis at this point. Any survivors are keeping a low profile or got out of there while that was still an option.”

“Incursion point beta is located on the Loop, between Shoal Iija and Crossroads. Reports are that the road has been rendered impassable. The demons from this Incursion point have moved south and are laying siege to Shoal Iija.”

“Incursion point gamma is located to the southeast of Joville. Demons have been seen moving south onto the Loop from there.”

“We’ve heard from every shoal except Shoal Eojo. Shoals Aejo, Oeji and Uaje have begun fortifying the nearby towns but so far haven’t encountered any demons. Captain Uaaijuoiea of Aejo Shoal reports that he’s been organizing evacuations of the citizens of Jorport to Gorgon and Lethe, though mainly Gorgon for… obvious reasons.”

“Meanwhile,” Hel butts in, “I’ve mobilized the Hellian Standing Militia. They’re probably currently somewhere between Stygia and Styx. After that they’ll be coming down through Archeron and then to us. Once they’re here trust me these demons aren’t going to stand a chance.”



“Since you, um the other you left you in charge it’s your call how we proceed from here.” Oioujuoaie says. “Though if you wish to place the responsibility of co-ordinating troop movements into the hands of another I volunteer myself for that task.”

Hel scowls. “He’s right though, you’re the boss. This is your Principality at stake here. We do this how you want to and if you don’t want to do the whole military thing you should really leave me in charge. I’ve actually seen battle.”

“Play nice you two we’re all on the same side here.” You say. “And let me give it some consideration.”

SpoilerShow

You now have access to the demon war mechanic. You can give orders to any troops loyal to you or your other team members. Certain actions can be undertaken here in the palace, or perhaps elsewhere in the world to improve your troops battle efficacy or to otherwise give you an edge in this war. Giving control of the battle to another is an option if you wish to choose it, but doing so may cause you to miss out on opportunities.

“Well, if we’re done here I have a demon I need to punch.” Hel announces and strides off towards the library without waiting for any further input.

Almost as soon as she’s out of the room Fenrir turns to follow her. “I’m going to see if it’s at all possible to get some air.” She mumbles, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” And follows Hel out into the hall.



“Wow, what’s her problem?” Bracken jokes

“Don’t.” You say flatly. “Why don’t you go and make sure Hel doesn’t get herself eaten.”

“Alright, sorry, didn’t mean anything by it.” Bracken quickly backpedals and hurries after Hel.



“Your highness,” Oioujouiae begins sheepishly, “There’s also a security issue you should be aware of.”

“More of a security issue than the slime demon three rooms away from us?” You ask.

“About on par I’d say.” The General says after a moment’s deliberation. “You see the problem is all our weapons are missing.” He chatters on nervously, not meeting your gaze. “I don’t know how it happened, the squid are reporting seeing some kind of blur and suddenly their weapons are either gone, or if they managed to hold onto them they are swaddled so thick in safety tape that they have become useless. And no despite our best efforts we haven’t been able to remove the tape.” When he’s done there’s a long silence.

“All the weapons are gone?” You ask dumbly.

“Yes.” Oioujouiae says.

“We’re completely defenceless?”

“Yes.”

“Right.” You say. “I’ll add it to my to-do list.”



Oh right yeah this is Fen's phone.



Crisis duly noted.



Okay so now what.

>

SpoilerShow

“Wakey wakey Jormy you don't wanna sleep through it do you?” Rubi says. You try to turn over and go back to sleep. “Come on Jor. We’re finally here.”




"Welcome to Hell."

>

SpoilerShow

You now have control of both Jormungandrs. Happy 6th birthday Jormungandr. I really am going to try and not save the next update till next year this time.

>Midgandr: Most things are temporarily handled in the short term, better go check on Fenrir before you do wars and such.

>Hellgandr: Go find out what all this Hellish encampment is about and who's there.

We should probably resolve the weapons first. It sounds like the work of something really fast and possibly safety-conscious.

Maybe we can set up some sort of hazard and try to catch the culprit when they attempt to cordon it off? This can't possibly backfire what are you talking about.

SpoilerShow

Okay so I'm bad at maintaining a regular update schedule. An update is in the works, I just wanted to clarify the mechanics of the Demon War system. It's not the kind of thing where you're going to get immediate feedback from your actions (laughs and cries at the use of the word immediate), it's more the sort of thing where you give commands and then those orders are carried out whilst you're doing other things. I don't know if that makes sense or if that was already the impression given. Just like, don't hold off on getting into the war stuff because you feel like there's more stuff that needs to be done around the palace.

Ix you are a beacon of hope for us all.

> Get into that war stuff.