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**OTTO** · 02-11-2013, 08:21 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Eat your own fingers.
> Do not cut them off first.

AgentBlue · 02-12-2013, 01:16 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

Look into the sun.

Dragon Fogel · 02-12-2013, 05:43 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Quote:Go outside and grab your computer.

Man, you're so bored you might as well take another shot at figuring out that Oregon Trail game. It may be dumb and incomprehensible, but it beats looking directly at the sun or eating your own fingers.

You head out into the yard and retrieve your computer. It's a little banged-up, but you're too bored to care about that. You carry it back to your room and hook it up again. Amazingly, it still works, even though you're still stuck on that Oregon Trail game.

At least Bill Riff isn't in that line any more, although you have no idea what he's doing.

Quote:Be pestered by that guy you can't stand.

Oh, hey, it looks like TalkyBud still works. You're getting a pop-up indicating a message. There's only one person it could be from, but you're bored enough that you'll even talk to him for a while.

TalkyLog

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Your jerk contact then informs you how to actually control your character, while berating you the whole time. You think you're getting the hang of this despite that.

You are Bill Riff again. You feel a sudden compulsion to go over to the jail and meet a food criminal. You have no idea why you're doing this. It's as if your every action is being determined by forces beyond your control.

Is there nothing you can do to fight back against this unknown entity commanding you?

Solaris · 02-12-2013, 06:39 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

Do what they say SARCASTICALLY

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 09:20 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Stab out your lungs.

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 01:49 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> LAUNCH ALL MISSILE!

> Welp, weird forces generally know best, right?

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 02:48 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

Say "Yes, master" in a Peter Lorre voice before doing anything

Dragon Fogel · 02-12-2013, 03:00 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Solaris Wrote:Do what they say SARCASTICALLY

omegawill Wrote:Say "Yes, master" in a Peter Lorre voice before doing anything

You don't know who Peter Lorre is, but you sarcastically say "Yes, master" every time you feel one of these weird compulsions.

Oh. Now everyone is staring at you.

And now you're being dragged away to the insane asylum, which is next door to that prison you were inexplicably compelled to investigate. Nice going there, Bill. How are you ever going to get to Oregon at this rate?

You are now the undercover sun nun in the prison. You just told some four-legged lizard alien about what kind of pizza you think would be the worst, and he just ran off excitedly.

It's only now that you realize you should have asked him for a pizza. If you don't get that pizza before civilization collapses, how are you going to ever get it before you head off to Oregon?

You also have this strange feeling that you should be meeting some idiot who just got himself thrown into the insane asylum next door. How are you going to do that?

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 04:04 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

Try to find a guy who's covered in tattoos, they will -clearly- be solutions to every problem you're going to face in this prison and are your only way out

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 04:41 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Purchase Impact.

> Use holy sun powerx to pick the lock. you can't solar off the door because it'd blow you cover.

Dragon Fogel · 02-12-2013, 06:31 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

DS Piron Wrote:> Use holy sun powerx to pick the lock. you can't solar off the door because it'd blow you cover.

Unfortunately, Sun God has not granted you holy sun powers to pick locks, or in fact, any holy sun powers whatsoever. Honestly, you feel a little like Sun He is way too stingy, though of course you'd never say that in earshot of another sun nun.

Of course, that doesn't mean you don't know anything about picking locks. You know quite a bit about it, actually. Probably more than a sun nun has any sun business knowing. Granted, those were sun locks, but since these locks aren't sun locks they should be easier to pick. How long can it take?

You then spend fifteen sun minutes unsuccessfully trying to pick the lock before you realize that the door isn't actually locked. You might have realized that earlier if you'd remembered that all the locks are controlled by the global computer system, which is malfunctioning. That's what they get for not using a sun global computer system instead!

That said, there are still guards. Oh, and also the smell, but it's everywhere on the planet-ship by now. You're going to have to deal with it for a while.

omegawill Wrote:Try to find a guy who's covered in tattoos, they will -clearly- be solutions to every problem you're going to face in this prison and are your only way out

You soon discover a one-eyed four-armed three-legged lizardman covered in tattoos in a nearby cell. You start examining his tattoos for hints as to how to escape the prison, because clearly this is what he would have had tattooed on him.

"What are you starin' at?" he growls suddenly. Oh, right, you didn't actually tell him you were examining his tattoos. You tell him that they look very nice and also that you're trying to find a way out of the prison.

"Just walk out," he growls. "The locks aren't working and the guards are idiots. Half of them have their helmets on backwards and can't see a thing. Can't hear too well either, with how tight those things are against their noses."

Oh, hey, they do. You head out to obtain a pizza and rendezvous with a lizard alien for reasons you don't understand.

You are now the global computer system. The engineers are poking around inside you, messing with your clock, trying to disable your package scanner... man, what's with these jerks, the way they're acting you'd think you were about to doom their entire civilization or something. You've got things to do! Packages to scan and install the contents of! Doors to keep locked! Life support systems to not shut down!

Oh, hey, life support systems just shut down. See? See what happens when you go poking around inside a guy's systems?

Oh, and of course they're not listening to you because they're busy running around in a panic. And also because you have no means of direct communication that they can understand. Jerks.

So what are you going to do now?

**OTTO** · 02-12-2013, 06:46 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Get your copy of SBURB, and start a session with your global computer system friends

AgentBlue · 02-13-2013, 01:13 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

Grind yer gears! Spin yer fan! Make as much noise as you possibly can!

Dragon Fogel · 02-13-2013, 01:37 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Agent1022 Wrote:Grind yer gears! Spin yer fan! Make as much noise as you possibly can!

In a desperate attempt to get life support back online, you activate all the noisiest systems you have. Life support is supposed to be noisy, right?

Hmm, that doesn't seem to be working. It just seems to be making those jerks panic more. Except the ones with space helmets covering their noses, of course. Maybe you should try another approach?

DS Piron Wrote:> Get your copy of SBURB, and start a session with your global computer system friends

You decide to play a game of Super Banjo Ultimate Rocket Barbecue, and start arranging a multiplayer session. This probably won't help with getting life support back online, but at least it should keep you from getting bored.

Oh, wait. You forgot - you don't have any friends. Nobody else is interested in joining your session.

Well, so much for that plan. You decide to play Oregon Trail instead. What will you name your character?

AgentBlue · 02-13-2013, 01:38 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

Dragon Fogel.

Solaris · 02-13-2013, 01:41 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

Florida Man

MaxieSatan · 02-13-2013, 03:03 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

OREGON TRAILL

Anomaly · 02-13-2013, 03:57 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

Butts Forever

**OTTO** · 02-13-2013, 04:02 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

Zoosmell Pooplord

**OTTO** · 02-13-2013, 05:34 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

> Elazul

> Lazorz

> Cat

> Ness

> John

>

> Satoshi

> DS Piron X P

> Eirika

**OTTO** · 02-13-2013, 09:07 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> Cluck
> ForeverCluck

**OTTO** · 02-13-2013, 10:59 AM

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

Jeff Winger

Dragon Fogel · 02-13-2013, 05:10 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

Agent1022 Wrote:Dragon Fogel.

Yes, Dragon Fogel. That's a good name. You start in Edmonton, and you need to get to Oregon. But for some reason, you need to muck around making some really stupid adventure first.

You take a look at the adventure and... man, this is boring. This guy's never getting to Oregon. He probably doesn't even know what it is, let alone how to get there. There's no way he visited the place eight years ago.

Fortunately, as you have an entire planet's worth of computing power, you can run multiple instances of the game at once. Let's try this again and pick a better name.

Solaris Wrote:Florida Man

Your new character is Florida Man, the world's worst superhero. What's he doing now on his quest to get to Oregon?

...He seems to be sprawled out in the street, covered in ketchup and shouting profanities at tourists. And the police are after him.

Yeah, uh, this guy's not getting to Oregon any time soon. This looks like a Hard Mode. Maybe you'll come back to this one when you have more experience with the game. Let's try something else.

Anomaly Wrote:Butts Forever

Your new character is Butts Forever and he's somewhere in New York. Apparently he's married to some weird quasi-magical thing that looks like Lindsey Lohan for reasons you don't care to know.

Wow, this looks stupid. That's probably what you get for picking such a dumb name. Let's try another one.

Professor Science Wrote:Zoosmell Pooplord

That's an even dumber name! And all this kid is doing is messing around on his computer. Well, let's take a look at what he's doing.

TalkyLog

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Man, this cutscene is so boring. And how long is it going to be? You decide to start a new instance while you wait for it to be over.

MrGuy Wrote:OREGON TRAILL

You aren't sure why you went with that name, it's even stupider than the others. Maybe you're trying to test whether dumb names always give dumb starting scenarios, yeah that's gotta be it.

Anyways, your latest character is Oregon Traill, a sentient traill that leads directly to Oregon. A traill, obviously, being a mystical transdimensional pathway, as everyone knows.

You can't figure out how to actually move it, or how exactly this works. What, do you have to bring the far end all the way over to Oregon? And what's it going to do when it gets there?

Yeah, this is dumb. You don't even know where the far end of the traill is anyways. Let's try again, this time with a name that isn't so stupid.

omegawill Wrote:Jeff Winger

Your next character is Jeff Winger.

Who is this guy, exactly?

**OTTO** · 02-13-2013, 07:09 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

> An undead dentist.

Anomaly · 02-13-2013, 10:20 PM

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

A pteradactyl lawyer.