ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Blezmo.

---

> give a warm hug

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

---

Slide around behind him alluringly, bring your arms over his shoulders and fan out the photographs in front of his face.

Then kick him in the crotch.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

>Identify which gender he is using college-level biologist techniques

You remember something from your last biology class about mating rituals. Clearly the same methods will be totally applicable here! Let's see, you scrutinize him closely, strut and do a mating dance, sniff him, spray pheromones all over him... wait, how do you spray pheromones again? Great, they probably covered that during the lecture where you fell asleep.

Lord Huffington seems perturbed. Somehow your feminine wiles have failed to get him to lower his guard! You'll have to get him in a compromising position some other way, but what can you do?

Quickly, knit an ugly Christmas sweater and put it on him! He'll never live it down!

Of course! There's more than one way to embarrass a nobleman! All you need to do is knit a sweater and somehow get it on him while he's inexplicably terrified of you and likely to run away at any moment!

There's just one problem: You don't have any yarn. Or knitting needles. Or knowledge of how to knit. Or any idea what size sweater he wears. Okay, that may be more than one problem, technically.

What are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> Give him a lollipop to suck on so he makes a kissy face, then take the photo so it looks like he's kissing you.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

> Give him a lollipop to suck on so he makes a kissy face, then take the photo so it looks like he's kissing you.

A kiss? Oh come on, that's second-rate blackmail at best. You might be able to sell the pictures to a tabloid or two, but Lord Huffington would weather the scandal easily. No, if you're going to properly extort him, you'll need proof that he went further.

Also you don't have any lollipops. Geez, did you bring anything with you besides your hidden camera?

Your thoughts are interrupted by a sudden announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, if I may have your attention please."

You turn to look - so does Lord Huffington, probably relieved to have something else to think about. So do the rest of the snobs in the room.

Somebody, probably one of the programmers, is up on the stage doing pelvic thrusts. That doesn't seem to be the main point of the announcement, though.

"I know you're all excited to see the exclusive demo of our new game. The full product is still undergoing beta testing, of course, but this demo version should give you an idea of exactly how revolutionary the game is."

A wall panel opens up behind him, revealing an enormous screen and two chairs with keyboards beside them.

"Now, I will need two volunteers from the audience. Come up here to experience the wonders of the game for yourselves!"

Lord Huffington's hand shoots up. You can't tell if it's because he's eager to play the game or because he's afraid of you, but either way you're not letting him slip out of your grasp. You raise your hand as well.

"Ah, good, you there sir. Oh, and the lady beside you as well? Perfect." As the two of you step up, the programmer glances at your nametags. "Lord Huffington and Lady Hopkins, allow me to introduce you to the latest revolutionary multimedia experience, the greatest game ever programmed... Sit down and discover the wonders of the Oregon Trail!"

You and Lord Huffington sit down and start playing. Perhaps you can somehow use this game to claim the deed from him.

You are now the secret agent who has kidnapped and taken the place of the master of ceremonies for this party. Nobody has seen through your brilliant disguise. Your mission is still to set the entire world on fire, and during a series of exciting chase scenes and rooftop fights against your arch-rival, you learned that this game could be able to assist you in that goal.

The only thing is, you haven't figured out exactly how it's going to do that yet. What's your plan?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> Put a secret code in the game that burns its user and everything within 100 square miles.
> Code: Don't work. Actually freeze everything within 100 square miles.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

> Put a secret code in the game that burns its user and everything within 100 square miles.

Ah, of course. You have no programming knowledge whatsoever and no idea how to even access the game's code to make such a change, but you're not one to let such trifling details stop you. It's time to get to work.

All attention is on the game, not to mention that people are deliberately trying to keep their eyes of you and your thrusting. You quietly slip around the stage and make your way behind the monitor. This must be where they keep the computer code, clearly.

You press a button and a small screen emerges, along with a keyboard. You have no idea what to do, so you just type rapidly like a hacker in one of those movies. That should do exactly what you want.

But just before you press the Enter key, you hear a window dramatically shatter. Moments later, your archrival has you in a headlock and is breathing fire uncomfortably close to your head.

You press the button and laugh.

Except, something has gone wrong.

> Code: Don't work. Actually freeze everything within 100 square miles.

The air starts to cool. Your program is freezing everything! That's the opposite of what you want to do! Oh, and you're still in this headlock.

You are now some idiot. You've been chasing this enemy agent all day for reasons you don't even remember any more and you have him in a headlock. But now it's getting really cold in here.

There's a crowd gathered in the room, but they don't seem to have noticed your dramatic entrance or anything else you've done. They're all watching some video game or something. Whatever, that doesn't matter.

What matters is that you have this guy in a headlock and absolutely no idea what to do next. You should probably think of something.

Originally posted on MSPA by Xindaris.

---

>NOOGIE!

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

---

> NOMZ!

> Snackrifce him the sproutlings. It doesn't matter that they don't eat people, do it anyway.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> Realize that everyone will die of cold if you don't do something.
> Hack one of the game consoles so that it burns everything. Then it will cancel out with the freezing one.

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

---

> Destroy the machine. It's the only way!

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

---

Play some Barry White to encourage everyone to get closer together... for warmth

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

>NOOGIE!

First things first. You give the enemy agent a noogie. This is clearly the most important step.

Hmm. You seem to have gotten your hand frozen to his head. Well that means you have less work to do in keeping him out of the way. You let him out of the headlock so you have a free hand and think about what to do next.

> Realize that everyone will die of cold if you don't do something.

It suddenly strikes you that if it's cold enough for you to get your hand frozen to this guy's head, it might be too cold for these socialites. Is that what he was doing with messing with this crazy machine? Trying to give everyone an unpleasantly chilly evening?

Well, you're not going to stand for this! You still have to figure out why exactly you were chasing this guy again, but it can wait until you've dealt with his current evil plan.

> Hack one of the game consoles so that it burns everything. Then it will cancel out with the freezing one.

Your first thought is to try to set the machine in reverse so it starts emiting heat instead, but you don't actually have any idea how to do that, and besides which the control console is frosted over already.

Then you realize you're still exhaling fire, and the solution becomes clear: Breathe fire onto the console to melt the ice!

> Destroy the machine. It's the only way!

It doesn't work exactly the way you hoped. The machine is a little, um, on fire. You get the feeling it would be good to run, so you start doing that, with the enemy agent still frozen to your hand.

You are now Lord Huffington. You are playing a game with some strange woman who has odd ideas about flirting. As first you were put off by her bizarre advances, but now you find yourself strangely intrigued. Perhaps you can use this game as a way to sort out your conflicting feelings.

However, you also notice that it is getting cold in here, and the machine is on fire. By what is either a remarkable coincidence or an ingenious piece of programming that analyzes the surrounding environs, the game has shifted to a frozen wasteland where everything is on fire.

Also, a strange fire-breathing man just ran out from behind the machine, with the programmer (still pelvic-thrusting) evidently frozen to his hand. Is he some sort of technician? And if so, is this company hiring ex-circus performers or something?

Oh, blast, all this nonsense is distracting you from the game. You need to work quickly, you don't want Lady Hopkins to build up a lead on you. Even if you don't really understand how the scoring works.

What are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

---

Buy 990 pounds of salt beef.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

---

Try and feed money into the machine to pay for the 990 pounds of salt beef

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> Crash into her wagon.

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

---

Punch the machine.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

Buy 990 pounds of salt beef.

Ah, yes! Provisions will be essential for a successful journey. 990 pounds should be sufficient to make it all the way to Oregon, wherever that is.

"You don't have enough money," the in-game shopkeeper tells you. Bah! How insufferable! Does he not realize who you are?

Try and feed money into the machine to pay for the 990 pounds of salt beef

You are Lord Huffington, and if there's one thing you have plenty of, it's money! You reach into your wallet and attempt to shove coins and bills into every available slot in the machine to remedy your character's financial shortfall.

Somehow, it doesn't seem to be working. The insolent shopkeeper still you can't pay for all that beef.

Punch the machine.

Clearly, this means that the machine is malfunctioning! No wonder they called in that fire-breathing technician. But he's clearly no good at his job. You'll simply have to give the device a good hard smack to get it to accept your currency.

You take a swing and punch that shopkeeper right in his virtual face. There is now a large hole in the monitor, and the machine is still refusing your currency. You are very disappointed in how this company operates. When this event is over, you must make a point to call your accountants and purchase a controlling interest so you can show them the proper way to manage a business.

Disappointed, you settle for buying as much beef as the game permits. It is a bit difficult to play with that hole in the screen, but you will not be deterred. You continue, and your wagon sets out from this starting city and proceeds towards Oregon. You start galloping as fast as you can; you won't allow Lady Hopkins to get there before you!

> Crash into her wagon.

As it turns out, she wasn't that far ahead of you; her wagon happened to be in the blind spot created by the hole you punched in the monitor. Now both of your wagons are wrecked, and also on fire.

Wonderful. Now it appears you'll both have to get to Oregon on foot. While carrying a mere 980 pounds of salt beef and whatever supplies she foolishly spent her funds on.

Also, you're shivering and you think you smell burning. But those are secondary concerns.

The most important question is, how will you get to Oregon now?

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

---

> Use quetzalcoatl magics to fuse the two wrecked carvan into one working caravan

> Apologize the the Lady.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> Does either your or her character have a gun?
> If so:
1. Put the meat on the ground.
2. Get the gunpowder out of the bullets.
3. Spread the gunpowder on the side of the meat pile facing away from the direction you want to go.
4. Wait for the fire to hit the gunpowder.

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

---

Ride a buffalo!

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

---

> Use quetzalcoatl magics to fuse the two wrecked carvan into one working caravan

That might have worked if you had chosen a quetzalcoatl mage as your character, but you thought their stat distribution was poor so you opted for the shogun instead.

> Apologize the the Lady.

You promptly apologize to Lady Hopkins. She makes an awkward joke about how a deed to a farmhouse would be a suitable apology gift. You laugh awkwardly in return, thinking of your Great-Half-Aunt Eunice and how it's been a long time since you visited her, and how you hope to avoid doing so again anytime soon.

> Does either your or her character have a gun?
> If so:
1. Put the meat on the ground.
2. Get the gunpowder out of the bullets.
3. Spread the gunpowder on the side of the meat pile facing away from the direction you want to go.
4. Wait for the fire to hit the gunpowder.

Lady Hopkins suggests a way out of this situation. Her Marine Sniper takes out some ammunition and extracts the gunpowder from it - you didn't realize you could do that - and drops it all over...

Wait a minute! That's your salted beef! How dare she pour gunpowder all over it!

The ensuing explosion cuts off your protest as your characters are flung far away. You can't even see Lady Hopkins' character any more.

Ride a buffalo!

You can, however, see a buffalo. Surely riding it to Oregon will be faster than traveling by foot. You move your shogun towards it and...

My, it's a violent one. This could take a little while to manage. Still, you have the distinct feeling that it is very important to get to Oregon before the machine stops functioning, so you'd better keep at it.

You are now E.T. "Dark Vader" Phonehome, but you prefer to be called Phone. You are a cat, and you are currently trying to eat the entire world.

Just what part of the world are you eating at the moment?

Originally posted on MSPA by Xindaris.

---

>Paris. The Eiffel tower, to be exact. Because that's what ALWAYS gets destroyed in Paris by superpowered monsters.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

---

> THE SUN.
You are a little lost.

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

---

> Your own tail.