ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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You danced the Thriller dance, Gangnam Style

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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You got into a long argument about how to pronounce 'tomato'.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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You danced the Thriller dance, Gangnam Style

Thriller Dance? Gangnam Style? You had no idea what these crazy ideas that popped into your head were. Where did these nonsense thoughts even come from?

It was disconcerting, but more than that it was unhelpful. You tried to think of a better plan.

you turned into a magical girl

Suddenly, a strange light enveloped you! You wear wearing a dress and holding a giant sparkly spatula for some reason. And you were ready to fight for love and justice and friendship and a bunch of other things!

It freaked you out, less because of the dress than the fact that you had no idea what was going on. Or rather, even less idea than usual.

You got into a long argument about how to pronounce 'tomato'.

But what happened after was even stranger. You launched into some kind of weird talk about whether a tomato should be classified as a fruit or vegetable, and then that got derailed when the pumpkinmen started arguing about how to pronounce "tomato".

Somewhere in there, you regained enough sense to grab your pet - something suddenly told you it was a "cat" - and run away while the pumpkinmen weren't as immediately aggressive.

What you hadn't realized until then was that the restaurant was actually in Heaven or something. Or maybe it was Heaven? You don't know much about that metaphysical stuff, all you know is that the next minute, you were falling out of the sky towards the ground, and when you came to in the Freaks of Nature ward , there was no sign of your cat or your hat.

It was... days later? Weeks? You had no idea, really. You just knew it had been a long time.

Your cat came in, informing you his name was Phone and that he needed your hat or he would devour everything uncontrollably. You weren't sure if he was actually telling you this or you were hallucinating because of all the drugs. You started to suspect the latter when he started eating a cardboard car in the next bed, so you decided to just take a nap.

Then you saw him. That idiot with your hat. He was knocked out, and your hat was on his head. You retrieved it, not sure if you were going to give it to Phone or just keep it because it was your hat, and then suddenly you were here.

Thank goodness, the creepy flashback is over. It didn't actually explain how your catdadsister got so hungry, though.

IT WAS BECAUSE YOU REMOVED ME FROM THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT

THERE I COULD HAVE HAD ONE MEAL AND SATISFIED MY DESIRE

BUT THIS WORLD CANNOT SATIATE MY ENDLESS HUNGER

THE HAT IS OF THE RESTAURANT, IT MAY BE ABLE TO GUIDE ME BACK THERE

FAILING THAT IT SHOULD SATISFY ME TO EAT IT

HONESTLY I WOULD RATHER HAVE A CHEESEBURGER BUT THAT IS UNIMPORTANT

NOW GO AND RETRIEVE THAT HAT

Great, guess you'd better do what he/she/it/they said.

You are now a cloned four-armed, three-legged lizardperson. Your former incarnation died of dysentery somehow, luckily the global computer system analyzed the disease and immunized everyone.

Less fortunately, the immunization process had the side effect of making everyone pass gas. Lots of it. And now it really stinks in here.

Worse, "in here" is the entire planet because it's actually a spaceship. So it's not like you can just go outside for some fresh air.

What are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Open a window. Hopefully your next incarnation will be immune to vacuum.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Say "ha ha, crack a window will ya?" before opening the window to outer space.

Alternatively wear a space helmet.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> eat your nose. Install its softewaer

Originally posted on MSPA by ~ATH.

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Congrats on your 10,000th post, Fogel.

> Metamorphize into a creature that thrives off of methane.

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

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Jump out a window.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Open a window. Hopefully your next incarnation will be immune to vacuum.

Say "ha ha, crack a window will ya?" before opening the window to outer space.

Jump out a window.

What's a "window"?

Oh, wait, perhaps you are thinking of the glass viewing-holes that some of the structures had in that Oregon Trail game. Well, your culture has nothing like that, at least not since this ship left the homeworld generations ago. Which makes sense; after all, why would your progenitors build walls from a structurally weaker material just to look at space?

> Metamorphize into a creature that thrives off of methane.

What do you mean, metamorphize? Your species already does that!

It doesn't make the stuff smell any more pleasant, though. Ugh.

Alternatively wear a space helmet.

You work your way over to the armory, hoping you may be able to find a helmet to keep the smell away. Those things aren't very comfortable, but neither is smelling this everywhere you go.

Unfortunately, it looks like a few thousand others had the same idea. There is a very long line outside the armory. You could be waiting for quite a while.

What are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Grab some paper and plug your nose instead, suggest this idea to everyone,hopefully thinning the line to something manageable;e

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Open the exit hatch.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Wait for quite a while

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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Light a match!

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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> Punch everyone in front of you.

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

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Punch everyone behind you.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Punch everyone in front of you.

What? Violently force your way to the front of the line? That would completely ruin your social standing! These are your enlightened people! It would be unbelievably rude to use violence against them as if they were a primitive barbaric tribe on a world you were going to colonize! Honestly, the very idea.

Punch everyone behind you.

This, on the other hand, is perfectly acceptable. Anyone behind you is clearly an inferior, either unable to consider this solution until after you did or lacking in the physical capability to arrive before you. Violence against equals and superiors is unthinkable, but violence against inferiors can only encourage them to improve themselves.

You punch the five inferiors who have lined up behind you while you were considering solutions. This has been a valuable service to them and to society, but it has not brought you any closer to the start of the line.

Also, you have now been punched by twelve people ahead of you for being inferior. This valuable service to you and society is starting to get painful.

> Grab some paper and plug your nose instead, suggest this idea to everyone,hopefully thinning the line to something manageable;e

Paper? What is this concept? You vaguely remember studying archives relating to a pulp-based data-recording material, but the global computer system has long rendered it obsolete.

Besides, what good would it do to plug your nose? Sure, you wouldn't hear the constant noises, but that's not much comfort if you can still smell it. What a nonsensical idea, it would only make sense if your olfactory receptors were in your nose instead of your ears. How would anyone even imagine such a concept?

Light a match!

All potential ignitive substances and objects have been banned for a long time. This is due to a prophecy that the air would one day be filled with methane and some idiot would light it up for kicks if given half a chance.

Your society's foresight has stopped you from doing a lot of fun things before you even thought of them. This has been a major problem in your life.

Wait for quite a while

Unfortunately, in the end you cannot think of anything to do except continue waiting in line as the smell grows worse. You will be here for quite a few hour-cycles. What a shame you cannot shift your perspective to someone else to avoid the pervasive boredom.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You have just opened the mailbox and found a package. Since you have no friends who might mail packages to you, it's probably that new game.

What will you do?

Originally posted on MSPA by ArsenicNog.

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Smash the package.

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

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eat it

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Hide the package

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

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Wear it as a hat.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Install the game without unwrapping it.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Smash the package.

It strikes you suddenly that this is the first package you've ever gotten in your life. Sure, it may be from a faceless corporation instead of a trusted friend, but still - that's a pretty big deal.

More to the point, you aren't actually sure how to open a package. You need to think about how to handle this.

Then you freak out and try to smash it open with a rock. The rock just bounces off. Wow, that's some durable packaging.

eat it

Your little assault on the package has really worked up an appetite. In fact, you just realized you haven't eaten all day.

You grab the package and before you know it, your appetite has taken over and you've bitten into it...

OW! That really hurt your teeth! But what did you expect from a package that you couldn't even smash with a rock?

Hide the package

You suddenly are overcome with fear. What if someone else takes your package? Your precious?

You need to hide it, yes. Hide the precious. But where?

Wear it as a hat.

Of course! You promptly put the package on your head to replace your lost hat. Man, you liked that hat. Maybe you should have run after it a bit more.

You ponder this for nearly ten seconds before you get bored and decide to try out your new game.

> Install the game without unwrapping it.

You run up to your room and shove the entire package into your CD drive. Then you begin installing it.

Oh man, soon you'll get to see what all the fuss is about. You don't care for games much, they aren't enough of a distraction from your hollow and lonely life, but you have to admit you're curious about this one.

The game launches itself automatically when it finishes installing. You look at the title screen eagerly.

Yes, it's time to play the OREGON TRAIL beta. What are you going to do first?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Name character: Bill Riff.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Throw the computer out of the window, go do a keg stand at the nearest frat party

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Name character: Bill Riff.

You try to enter a name, but you weren't on the naming screen! Regardless, your character seems to be getting generated anyhow.

Wait, what is this? Your character looks like that crappy drawing of a crocodile you made earlier. And all he's doing is standing in a really long line waiting to get a space helmet.

Man, this game is dumb. You can't imagine why your net-acquaintance likes it so much.

Throw the computer out of the window, go do a keg stand at the nearest frat party

You try to shut the game off, but you can't find any options menu. In frustration, you just toss the computer out the window.

You've been too isolated in your young life to know what a "keg stand" or "frat party" is, but whatever they are, they've got to be more interesting than this game. You decide to go out and find one, or at least look for one until you get bored.

You are now Bill Riff. You're pretty sure that wasn't your name a few seconds ago, although you don't remember actually having a name before. All you know is, you're still waiting in line for a space helmet, you need to get to Oregon, and the global computer system is inexplicably malfunctioning. It's as if it suffered from a severe impact, as if a personal computer that metaphorically represented your planet-ship was thoughtlessly hurled out a window.

"PACKAGE SCANNER CALIBRATED. CONTENTS OF ALL UNOPENED PACKAGES WILL BE SCANNED AND INSTALLED IN TWENTY-THREE MINUTE-CYCLES."

Fortunately, it's doing harmless crazy things like scanning packages and installing the contents, as opposed to dangerous crazy things like, oh, you don't know. Dangerous crazy things like scanning the contents of the hazardous package you received which most likely contains the game which will doom your entire civilization.

Wait a minute. It suddenly occurs to you this could be a problem.

And if you don't do something about it in the next twenty-three minute-cycles, the game will be installed and launch itself and your civilization will be doomed.

But then you'd lose your place in line! An equally distressing outcome!

How will you resolve this dilemma?