Boxborg's Webquest [Textastic]

You are now Boxborg. Created out of old cardboard boxes by an uncaring master, abandoned to a world you know nothing about. Scant minutes after he created you, he even ripped open one of your arms, just to steal one of your precious innards.
Fortunately, the nice green guy with the big smile patched you up, good as new! He even told you that there might be a way to become a full-fledged living being, instead of this kinda-animatated hunk of cardboard and various junk.

Now, truth be told, you’re not entirely sure that that is a thing that you want, deep in your heart of hearts (which happens to be a set of dishes), but you don’t have anything better to do, and that green guy seemed to think that it was a thing a person should want, so there you go.

You’re not actually sure what you might want, seeing as you’re the inside of your noggin is made up of two tool boxes, a collection of screws, bolts, washers and nails, and some assorted scrap items. Thinking is not your strong suit, is what I’m trying to convey, here.

Long story short, you left your erstwhile master a Beautifully Composed And Written Note, informing him that you were leaving and that you never wanted to see him ever again ever. It would bring a tear to your eye, if you had an actual eye and not just one the green guy drew on you in black permanent marker. You then stealthily made your way out of town (by which I of course mean you marched right through the streets, in broad daylight, making no effort to conceal yourself in any way), and are now at large.
The green guy told you that you needed to talk to… the… um… Gaggle Orifice? No… Goggle Mackeral? Not that either… Googly Jar-a-pickles? Something like that. You know he said that you have to cross through the Lands of Wacky Uh to get to the Search M&M where you’ll find the Moogle Follicle. At least you think that’s what he said. Since you don’t have ears, or eyes, or a brain to interpret signals from either of those things, you kinda mess things up some times.

Problem is, you don’t actually know where that stuff is. So you guess you’ll just kind of pick a direction and start walking. That’ll probably work. So! North, south, east, or west? You do know your directions, because there’s a compass in one of your shoulders! So no worries there. Up North it looks pretty much flat. Yep. Flatness. Exciting! To the South also looks pretty flat, but there are some pretty cool clouds out that way. To the East you think you can hear a kind of wooshy crashy sound. And to the West, the ground goes up! Neat. It’s all neat!

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SpoilerAn offshoot of this, in case you didn't know.

West!

Weast!

South, for clouds and flatness!

You begin stomping in a westerly direction, despite a slight desire to go south. And possibly east at the same time you go west. You ignore your conflicting urges, though, and continue on your way. You hum a little song as you go. You're not sure how you're doing this, as you lack vocal cords and also have never heard music, ever. The land eventually begins to become rougher, becoming slight rises and eventually full-on hills. Beyond these hills, the land continues to rise up even higher, until it looks like it goes all the way into the sky! Arching above the mountains is a Double Rainbow. What could it mean? Soon something else pops up that fascinates you: A piece of wood, with stuff on it!

Danger: Foothills of Meme lie ahead. Travelers should avoid wild memes, as they can be dangerous.

Hmm… you don’t know what all of those funny squigglies mean. But, if you had to guess, you would probably guess that it says:

Welcome! Candy and fun sunshiney wonderment lie ahead! And also maybe the Goofy Barnacle?

But maybe that is just wishful thinking. Looking around, you sure don’t see any candy. You do see what looks like a Cave in the side of a nearby hill, though. And you think you see things wandering about off in the distance. Should you check out the Cave, wander around the Hills, or head off into the higher mountainy places? Or you guess you could go somewhere else. It’s not like you get tired of walking, lacking actual muscles, and between your lack of intellect and the novelty of, well, everything, you don’t really get bored! So, what do?

To the Cave! There's always candy in caves, right? You're pretty sure there's always candy in caves. I mean, where else would they keep it?

To truly become a real, living being, you must learn the power of forgiveness! Forgive your master in your heart.

...Or whatever is in the box comprising your chest.

>Meet a similar robot to yourself, also made of cardboard.

>Alternatively, slowly and subtly change as you trek through the hills, eventually taking on the memetic visage of Danbo.

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Spoilerhttps://koiwai.biz/eng/v5/ch28/

> Let's find something to light our way first- look around the Hills.

Otherwise, you're likely to be eaten by a grue.

To truly become a real, living being, you must learn the power of forgiveness! Forgive your master in your heart.

...Or whatever is in the box comprising your chest.

You’re not really angry, you guess. You think you lack the capacity for anger. But your creator simply did not care about you, and you deserve better than that, right?
Also you mostly have plates, bowls, and other such things in your chest cavity.

> Let's find something to light our way first- look around the Hills.

Otherwise, you're likely to be eaten by a grue.

That’s a good idea! Being eaten by a grue sounds particularly cruel, considering whose fault it would be, wandering into caves without a torch or a match in your inventory. You silly.

>Meet a similar robot to yourself, also made of cardboard.

You wander around the hills for a time, looking for anything that might give you some light.
Cresting a hill you find… could it be!? More cardboard robots!? You run as fast as your legs can carry you (not very fast) towards them, your various contents rattling and clanging around inside your body… but you’re disappointed. These aren’t cardboard automatons like you… these are just humans wearing cardboard boxes.
You ask what they’re doing.

One of them replies, “We’re Gundams, obviously.”

You don’t know what that means! But you don’t think you’re going to stick around. Some of them are eying your chassis in a suspiciously predatory fashion. You don’t want to end up as somebody’s costume, so you retreat.
...
Wait, what’s that? There seems to be a light shining from the other side of that hill…
You climb the hill and look down, to see what looks like a floating wolf’s head. Light emanates from behind it. You hesitate, unsure whether or not to get any closer.
It sees you, and barks, “APPROACH AND SEEK MY WISDOM!”

Well, okay.
You do that. He listens intently (creepily so) as you explain your predicament. He nods once. “IGNORE FEAR! GRUES ARE LIKELY TO BE EATEN BY YOU!”
Okay…

To the Cave! There's always candy in caves, right? You're pretty sure there's always candy in caves. I mean, where else would they keep it?

You assume that means you should go back to the cave and enter regardless of any lurking grues? You set off, and are somewhat surprised to find the wolf still following you.

You finally find yourself back at the cave. You look at the wolf uncertainly.
“A COWARD’S ONLY ENEMY IS HIMSELF!”

You really wish he’d stop yelling. You enter the cave, with the wolf hot on your heels… er, if you had heels. The wolf’s light pushes back the darkness! However, the floor of the cave is still solid back.
At the back of the chamber, an old man sits between two braziers. When he catches sight of you, his eyes light up, and he hops to his feet.

“It’s dangerous to go alone!” He shouts, reverently holding out a sword, “Take this!”

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? TAKE SWORD, SLAY FOES!”
Okay that’s getting annoying. Also, you’re beginning to think that there isn’t any candy in these hills at all. You take the sword, somehow, despite your lack of hands or any opposable digits. Your grip isn’t the best, but you guess you’ll manage.
So now you're armed, you have a follower, and still you don't have any candy, nor do you have any better idea where to find the Googley-Eye Popsicle. Hmm... what to do, what to do?

>Ask the old man and the crazy wolf where you can find some candy.

You're not really angry, you guess?

>Are you being so sincere right now?

>Also, attack the Old Man.

Take sword, slay wolf.

Look for Opposable Digits. You're pretty sure those are important.

>Ask the old man and the crazy wolf where you can find some candy.

You ask the both of them where you might find some candy. (You’re not sure why you’re bothering… you can’t eat it, as you don’t have a mouth. I guess you’ll burn that bridge when you come to it.)

The wolf shouts, “THE ONLY CANDY YOU NEED IS THE FEAR OF YOUR ENEMIES.”

Okay.

The old man rummages around in a pocket, before holding something out and saying, “It’s dangerous to go alone! Take this!” He gives you some candy!

You get an Ancient Peppermint.

Look for Opposable Digits. You're pretty sure those are important.

You ask about digits next. The old man tucks his hands into his sleeves and shakes his head fervently. The wolf would shrug, if he had any shoulders. Oh well.

>Are you being so sincere right now?

Yes, even though he broke your heart and… wait, no. The dishes are all intact. Guess he didn’t break your heart after all! Still, you’re free now. It’s good to be free.

>Also, attack the Old Man.

Take sword, slay wolf.

Free… to KILL!

You succumb to your primal, murderous urges, and butcher the old man with your Possibly Magical Sword.

“YES! THE STRONG SURVIVE BY VAULTING OVER THE STILL COOLING CORPSES OF THE WEAK!"

You turn your blade on the wolf. Despite your awkward grip, you cut the enthusiastic levitating canine head cleanly in half. His light is extinguished instantly, but the braziers ensure that it is still bright enough to see.

Huh. That got pretty dark, there. You’re not sure why you just brutally murdered your Loyal Enthusiastic Wolfoid Companion or that Helpful but Defenseless Old Man, but oh well, you guess. On the bright side, you found some free digits!

You get a Digits! You're not sure how you're going to attach them though. Oh well, you'll figure it out later.

You decide to leave the cave before your cardboard gets soggy. That red stuff is pretty, but there sure is a lot of it! You’re kind of glad you don’t have any.

You are now outside again. The Hills are still right where you left them, and so is everything else! Should you look around some more, or head somewhere else?

>Wander the hills in search of more things. Maybe ask about the Giggle Ore-Culler next time, stupid.

>Start to wonder if you can really trust these voices in your head. Especially the ones telling you to kill.

>Start to wonder if you can really trust these voices in your head. Especially the ones telling you to kill.

> Don't listen to him. We're your friends.

>Start to wonder if you can really trust these voices in your head. Especially the ones telling you to kill.

> Don't listen to him. We're your friends.

>Technically, this meta-ness is also a meme! Create a meta-recursive tear in the world.

>Start to wonder if you can really trust these voices in your head. Especially the ones telling you to kill.

Wait, you mean that’s not a thing that’s okay? Hmm… well, you don’t want to be a bad person-like thing…

> Don't listen to him. We're your friends.

But this guy does make a really good point. Hmm… you think this is what they call a “Mortal Laundry.”

>Technically, this meta-ness is also a meme! Create a meta-recursive tear in the world.

Wut? You hear a loud sound kind of like a hundred trees very quickly growing in reverse. You’re sure it’s nothing that will have any consequences for you, though.

>Wander the hills in search of more things. Maybe ask about the Giggle Ore-Culler next time, stupid.

Oh, yeah. You’ll do that next time! But maybe cut down on the hurtful words? The hurtful words kinda… they kinda make you want to see the red stuff again. They kinda make you want to just go crazy and get the red stuff all over.
...
You pick a random direction and stump along.

What’s this? It’s a kitty!

The kitty is wearing glasses and a bowtie, and is sitting at a desk in front of a blackboard. It looks up when you approach.

“Tell a potassium joke? K.”

…What?

“Argon walks into a bar. Barman says “get out”. Argon doesn’t react.”

…What?

“What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.”

…What? You ask if he knows anything about the Goopy Bicycle.

“Tell a nitric oxide joke? NO.”

You decide to ignore the confusing kitty and look around instead. Hey, what’s going on over here?
There’s a big glowing orange circle on the back of the blackboard (actually, on this side it’s a whiteboard, but still). The orange circle looks like a hole! But it doesn’t go through the board, it goes somewhere else! Neat. Looking closer, there are some squigglies written to one side. Uhhh…

The cake is a lie.

You’re pretty sure this says:

Who’s awesome? You’re awesome!

Yeah, that’s what you think. Oh well, you’re sure none of this is important. You walk around to the other side again. Hmm… should you try to get any information out of the kitty? He seems pretty smart, even if he does say a lot of things that don’t make any sense to you. On second thought, maybe you would have more luck elsewhere… decisions, decisions…

>I bet the kitty feels out of his element. Take him with you!

>You feel as if the kitty and you have some chemistry. Enlist him as a companion, and then send him through the orange hole.

I'm positive that you and that kitty could form a powerful bond. Grab him and bring him with you.

>Seems like getting both of you in the same equation could cause a bad reaction. Best to just go somewhere else.