RUGBY WORLD CUP

The Rugby World Cup has started!

And you're in charge of one of the teams, despite the fact that you have no idea how to play rugby.

Before we begin, who the hell are you, and just what country are you from, anyways?

Your name is Steve Russia and you are from Germany

> You are Vincent Hargreaves. You are from Narnia.

You are the Prime President of New Zealand and you need the team to win in order to be re-elected, due to a loss causing national mourning followed by political upheaval.

You are Chipson Speckleshell; loggerhead turtle, and you normally reside in the ocean.

You have no idea what you are doing here.

Your name is Steve Russia and you are from Germany

> You are Vincent Hargreaves. You are from Narnia.

You are the Prime President of New Zealand and you need the team to win in order to be re-elected, due to a loss causing national mourning followed by political upheaval.

You are Chipson Speckleshell; loggerhead turtle, and you normally reside in the ocean.

You have no idea what you are doing here.

A few disparate thoughts float through your mind, and you manage to sort through them to remember who you are.

You are Steve Chipson Vincent "Speckleshell" Russia-Hargreaves, a loggerhead turtle, and you originally come from the oceans. Specifically, the oceans of the magical land of Narnia, which was annexed by Germany the year before you were born. Through a series of events that you don't remember at all, you became the Prime President of New Zealand and now you have to get the team to win the Rugby World Cup so you can be re-elected.

You are so in over your head.

Well, what are you going to do to start this off?

Try to figure out how in the world one plays rugby.

Accidentally learn the way to play soccer, instead.

Throw the game. Win all the dirty money.

>Find out how much a rugby team costs and how much money you have. These both seem pretty important.

Meet the team! Then promptly fire them so you can put together a far more competent crew of cons, ex-cons, demolitions experts, suave ladykillers, suave peoplekillers, and oh wait we're trying to win the rugby not rob a bank. Best get your 'roids on.

>Find the ball.

Throw the game. Win all the dirty money.

What? No! You can't do that! You may not have any clue how you came to be the Prime President of New Zealand, but damned if you're going to lose the job and the nation's prestige just for some money.

Besides, North Franceland's offer was just pitiful. Insulting, even.

Try to figure out how in the world one plays rugby.

You have no idea. It doesn't help that they seem to change the rules radically every year. You're pretty much hoping that the team knows and you can let them do their own thing and then take credit for it.

>Find out how much a rugby team costs and how much money you have. These both seem pretty important.

Oh, right! Let's see... Your team has fifteen players, each of whom has a salary of $10,000 a game. And how much do you have in your budget?

...Three sticks of chewing gum, a rubber band, and a broken gyrocopter.

You may need a new funding plan.

Meet the team! Then promptly fire them so you can put together a far more competent crew of cons, ex-cons, demolitions experts, suave ladykillers, suave peoplekillers, and oh wait we're trying to win the rugby not rob a bank.

Wait, wait. What was that last part again?

Robbing a bank? Yes! That would solve your financial problems. And you're pretty sure that as Prime President, you can pardon yourself and your accomplices and nobody's going to care as long as you win the game.

Well, you guess you'd better go and meet the team and see which of them can help you with the heist. You head over to the stadium where they're practicing...

Or rather, where they're supposed to be practicing. But they're just sitting around doing nothing! You yell at them and demand to know why they're just lounging around, because you sure as hell aren't paying them to.

(Or anything at this point, but you diplomatically don't mention that.)

The team captain explains that they've lost the ball and can't find it. So they're pretty much stuck, because you only gave them one ball. You could maybe give them the budget for extras, he says.

>Find the ball.

Well, you're not going to stand for that. No, you're going to find the damn rugby ball for them, even if you have no idea what it looks like or where to start your search...

Hmm. This could be a problem. What are you going to do?

>It's probably in the neighbor's yard. Check there first.

>It's probably in the neighbor's yard. Check there first.

>'The neighbor' being Oztralia, and 'checking' being with armed forces.

> You'll have plenty of balls after you rob the bank! Tell your team you've got a new job for them!

No problem. You're a turtle, you'll make a great ball. Plus, you're nice and heavy, so you'll be good for practice! Like those weighted warm-up bats in baseball.

Oh noooo the World Cup's already over

Tell them that seeing as you didn't take part, you didn't win, so are now broke and can't pay them unless you all rob a bank or something.

>It's probably in the neighbor's yard. Check there first.

All right, your first instinct is to look next door, so you're going to do that.

And then you discover that the stadium is right next to the ocean. Funny, you don't remember it being there. Maybe one of those bills you signed without reading involved moving it or something.

Still, next door is the first place to look, so you're heading over there right now!

>'The neighbor' being Oztralia, and 'checking' being with armed forces.

So you're heading over to Oztralia (Australia having been annexed by Oz three weeks ago) and, as it's dangerous territory, you order the army to come with you.

It turns out the army is also the rugby team to save on costs.

So you and the team head over on a boat and are greeted by the Wizard of Oztralia, and also his heavily armed bodyguards. Undeterred, you ask him if he's seen your rugby ball.

"I have," he says. "But if you wish to reclaim it, you must defeat the Wicked Witch of the North-by-Northwest."

Well, that sounds like a lot of work to you. Maybe it would be easier to find another ball?

No problem. You're a turtle, you'll make a great ball. Plus, you're nice and heavy, so you'll be good for practice! Like those weighted warm-up bats in baseball.

The team captain (whose rank is actually Sergeant, but who cares) comments that you'd make a nice practice ball and there wouldn't be any need to go hunting down a witch.

You respectfully disagree and tell the wizard that you're going to hunt the witch down. This, of course, means that doing so is now a matter of National Pride! So the team/army is obligated to help. So there.

The Wizard of Oztralia smiles and grants you and your army passage into his country to hunt down the witch. You disembark and are now in the untamed lands of Oztralia.

So, to sum up:
-You're in Oztralia and have promised its leader that you'll hunt down the Wicked Witch of the North-by-Northwest.
-You still don't have the money to pay the army/rugby team.
-You don't have a rugby ball.
-You haven't even gotten started on robbing a bank.

So what are you going to do now?

>Trek North-by-Northwest, keeping an eye out for stray banks on the way.

Wait which way is north again? The sun rises in the... west, right? Or maybe it's night, and you can follow the North star, which is probably visible even in the southern hemisphere

Is Alfred Hitchcock on your team?

OR IS HE THE WITCH???

Kill the Naughty Witch of the Northwest; she never receives any attention.

The ensuing pour vacuum will lure the Wicked witch of the North by Northwest into your trap! Which you totally had set up before going off the kill the Naughty Witch of the Northwest.

>Trek North-by-Northwest, keeping an eye out for stray banks on the way.

That's the most sensible approach! You order the men to head north-by-northwest, and to mention it if they see any banks nearby. Not for any particular reason, you hasten to add, realizing that the Wizard of Oztralia is still standing right there and probably wouldn't take kindly to your plans to rob his nation's financial institutions.

Sergeant Captain salutes, and then asks you to point out which direction you're going in, just so all the men are clear on the way.

Wait which way is north again? The sun rises in the... west, right? Or maybe it's night, and you can follow the North star, which is probably visible even in the southern hemisphere

Damn, you really should have paid extra for a compass. You have no idea which way is north-by-northwest. As you struggle to give out an excuse to your team, the Wizard of Oztralia simply smirks.

Curse that smug Wizard! He knows you're in over your head, he just wants to see you suffer. Well, you'll show him. You point in a completely random direction and order your team to follow.

One of them mutters something under his breath, but you ignore it. You've got a witch to find, after all!

After about two hours of walking, you come across a castle which proudly proclaims itself the home of the Naughty Witch of the Northwest.

Sergeant Captain clears his throat.

"Sir," he says with a salute, "I think we may have made a wrong turn somewhere."

Seeing as literally the only turn was the one you made back when you arrived, he's pretty much saying it's your fault. And the rugby team seems to agree, judging by how much trouble they're having suppressing their laughter.

You need to figure out a way to save face.

Kill the Naughty Witch of the Northwest; she never receives any attention.

The ensuing pour vacuum will lure the Wicked witch of the North by Northwest into your trap! Which you totally had set up before going off the kill the Naughty Witch of the Northwest.

Ah, perfect. You announce to the team that this was your plan all along; rather than seeking out the heavily-defended stronghold of the Wicked Witch of the North-by-Northwest, you'll defeat the Naughty Witch of the Northwest, and then take advantage of the inevitable power struggle caused by her defeat to stop the Wicked Witch of the North-by-Northwest and get your rugby ball back. Honestly, it's a very simple plan.

Sergeant Captain asks if you'll be able to manage all that before the games actually start. The team's going to need some time to practice, too.

Man, what a pessimist. How'd he end up as team captain, anyways?

Regardless, you have a new objective, without actually achieving any of the old ones. This is clearly a sign of your inevitable success!

In any case, the next thing to do is get into the Naughty Witch of the Northwest's castle. How are you going to do that?[/quote]

Detach that [/quote] tag and wave it around the front door. Sooner or later the Witch'll come out because she's neurotic about things like that.