The Antiquated Scrolls XIV: Skyrim

It is 2011. You wake up in a cart alongside a pair of bearded strangers arguing about... something.  You're in a massive world filled with rolling clouds, rugged mountains, bustling cities, lush fields and ancient dungeons. You feel like you're in for an epic adventure where you will be able to be any type of character you can imagine and do whatever you want.



"Greetings traveller, I am the True King of the Nords Ulfric Stormcloak and you join the story as I am taken to what is sure to be my execution." The man with the ridiculous inaccurate viking helmet tells you and then turns and winks at the camera.

"And I'm Ralof." says Ralof.

"It's been lovely to get to know you old sport but its time for all three of us to get murdered by the frightful imperial rotters." True King of the Nords Ulfric Stormcloak informs you as the cart trundles on into the town of Helgen.



A dragon is in the distance somewhere making a nuisance of itself. You are commanded by the imperial guardsman to get down from the cart.

"Arrow in the knee." says the second imperial guardsman allowing us all to get the stupid meme out of our system and get on with our story.

"I'd prefer it right now if we could formalize the use of the term guardsperson." Says the first imperial guardsperson. "So um nice to meet you. I'm the option that isn't Ralof but lets not get ahead of ourselves."

Not-Ralof clears their throat and looks down at their notes. "So it says here that you're to be put in the old gill-o-teen but it doesn't actually tell me anything else about you like your name gender species physical description any actual crimes you did or anythink like that." They look back up at you again. "And I left my glasses at home so please describe yourself for me and we can get this character creation malarky all over and done with asap."

>

My only crime was being too beautiful.

Just fill out every field with Dlorph.

Either the word Dlorph or a doodle of , really.

You're actually a fifty foot fire breathing honest to god dragon. The only crimes you're guilty of? Being too magnificent and also maybe some small humanish people might be upset that you burnt their houses down and ate their cows, but whatever.

>A one armed female orc thief named Hammerhead Jr.

im a fuckin' tree lizard

you are a cat but you're also a lizard and you have a bat but you're also a wizard

In the distance the dragon makes dragon noises as the tension of the scene slowly escalates. You explain that you are Dlorph and that you have journeyed from the faraway land of Drawful/Jackbox Games Post Thread. The guardsperson just shakes their head and mutters something about mods.

"Now don't get me wrong I love your adventure but rules are rules and I gotta do a gilloteen on you. Can't go making exceptions or I'll be next on the chopping block if you know what I mean." The guardsperson laughs for a second but stops abruptly and says "Capital Punishment is no laughing matter; the judicial system here in Skyrim is kind of a fucking mess if you'll pardon my Elswyrese. Anyway we'd better be getting on with it. Not got all day you know." They gesture you towards the guillotine, and menaced by the guard behind you make your way towards it.



As you approach the guillotine you hear the guardsperson giving Raluf the character creation spiel, Raluf opts to be a dual race cat/lizard specializing in Baseball Wizardry. It’s a good choice and far more creative than your own selection.



You present yourself for executing only to discover that Andruin The Big Old Dragon ™ is standing right there. You get the guardsperson’s attention and point this out to them and suddenly everyone feels a) scared of the Big Old Dragon ™ but also b) very silly for not noticing them until now.

This could be your opportunity to get out of being guillytined. What will you do?

>

i mean but that would be rude, after they got this all set up and all?

tickle the dragon, sleeping or not.

Dance!

Open the developer's console and enable fake noclip to escape

Just scroll out all the way and idle until the camera slowly spins and just watch the chaos as it unfolds around you

>Wave and say hi to your uncle. Don't be rude.

>Tell him to get back in line, it's your turn.

Nah, it's best to stay put, and let justice be carried out for your meme crimes. Capital punishment is no laughing matter, after all.

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Edit: I feel a bit guilty/responsible for this thread's existence

[2x1][img width=96]https://i.imgur.com/MKwOx6i.png[/img] [|]

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Hi there. It's me, famous game director Todd Howard. We here at Bethesda Game Studios have heard what you've been saying, and I'm very excited to announce that we are finally porting Skyrim to Eagle Time. Soon, you'll be able to share interactive text and graphics-based adventures featuring all your favorite vikings, lizards, and wizards in a living, breathing message board environment.

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[/2x1]

If they're too distracted I guess you'll just need to guillotine yourself.

i mean but that would be rude, after they got this all set up and all?

Nah, it's best to stay put, and let justice be carried out for your meme crimes. Capital punishment is no laughing matter, after all.

If they're too distracted I guess you'll just need to guillotine yourself.

It seems a shame to let a dragon attack get in the way of your immediate execution. The guardsperson seems more interested in cowering from The Big Old Dragon TM so you’re just going to have to do it yourself you suppose.



It seems that this particular model of gillertean has been designed only with the needs of individuals with small round heads that are separate from their bodies in mind. You have a good mind to complain to the manager about making their executions more accessible to the differently-shaped.

Dance!

tickle the dragon, sleeping or not.

Legends say that The Big Old Dragon TM is Trouble and that they will do some really Bad Shit and end the World or something. But you’re not one to judge people before you get to know them. A new quest pops up in your quest log




You decide that the best way to greet The Big Old Dragon TM to establish that you seek friendship is to perform the traditional Dance of Friendship.



The Big Old Dragon TM does not seem to notice. Nobody seems to notice. Helgen seems to be burning to the ground.


Perhaps you could get their attention with a playful tickle.







You’re hit with a wall of force as the dragon greets you. You think that it’s a greeting but you’re not sure; the police confiscated your knowledge of the Draconic Language when they arrested you and if you want it back you’ll have to find all 187 language textbooks hidden throughout the world of Skyrim.

>

oh my god look at the time! you were in that cart longer than you thought. you needed to be at riverwood two hours ago!

take that axe though

oh my god look at the time! you were in that cart longer than you thought. you needed to be at riverwood two hours ago!

take that axe though

Well… you’ve had just about enough of this town.



You grab the executioner’s axe and are heading for the section of the town wall that has been conveniently obliterated, when you are accosted by Guardsperson Not-Ralof.



“Oy! Outlander!” They call to you. “Now I know I was just very recently trying to do an execution on you, but no harm done, eh?.” They do not wait for a response. “Howzabout we escape from the town together in the emergency escape tunnel that we have built here for some reason?”



“I know, I know… but, we all worked real hard on this escape tunnel wouldn’t you love to see the tutorial about sneaking, and um, all the spiders and everything?” Not-Ralof asks.



You make a beeline for the hole in the wall, with Not-Ralof following uncertainly behind you.



“Again really sorry about the whole execution situation.” Not-Ralof says as you trek through the snowy hills. “I mean I guess you did do a crime and I was just carrying out my duty as a guardsperson. I don’t really feel bad about doing my job, you know. Funny though how like a dragon attacked just as you were about to be executed and now we can just chat and be friends like this as though the whole execution thing wasn’t a thing. You’d think I’d want to turn you into the guards at Riverwood when we get there but I definitely won’t do that. As far as I’m concerned that dragon might as well have been hand delivering a blisteringly hot pardon for any and all crimes you may or may not have committed. Funny old world when you think about it though.”



You make your way down to Riverwood. You pass a big rock that can change your birthday, and a mine where a bunch of bandits probably live now or something.



Finally you arrive in the bustling town of Riverwood. A town full of things to see and things to do. Things such as: a working sawmill with a lever you can really pull, a dog that exists, a shop you can get a quest from and a tavern that definitely does not hide a secret basement of secrets.

>

Pull that lever. Also keep an eye out for buttons to press.

And check the quest in case it involves more lever-pulling.

Attack ground in search of possible treasure

Steal the dog and get out of town before the cops get you