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typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 02:28 AM

<The following posts have been re-posted from a previous, shut-down forum. There will be a note when the re-posts end and standard reader commands begin. Please, have a read. Enjoyment is mandatory but partly negotiable.>

Thank you for the purchase of your copy of Noise Lights: A Text Adventure copyrighted by Softmind Software^tm. The install wizard will walk you through the installation process. Would you prefer the recommended settings for installation or custom settings?

>recommended

You have chosen the recommended settings for installation. You will now be walked through a step by step installation to cater to your preferences of game play.
To ensure that the graphical and musical quality of this text adventure fits your computer please specify if you wish for the game to run in either an 8-bit, 16-bit, 32-bit, or 64-bit level of quality.

>32-bit

You have chosen 32-bit which is just shy of the maximum 64-bit setting. It is good to see that today’s senior citizens are willing to step outside of their comfort zone and try modern games despite being stuck in last generation’s era of computers. You are a shining example; a lone beacon for lost souls. Striding forward in a confusing world that has forgotten you until you have reached some form of mutual understanding. You will learn, and you will be remembered. You won’t let something like using an inferior coal powered computer slow you down. No, sir-ee.

>64-bit

Sometimes it’s good to be a follower. Some might call it caving in to peer pressure while others will call it a team dynamic. A group mentality helps you make friends. You don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb do you? Everyone’s eyes staring at you and judging you. The mocking, hurtful things they’ll whisper behind your back just like in middle school. Everyone else is using 64-bit and so should you.

>64-bit!

Whoa there, nelly! Careful where you toss that exclamation point around, you could poke someone’s eye out. Seriously, hitting enter that hard will damage your keyboard. Now then, are you sure you want to run the game in 64-bit? A preliminary scan shows that running the game in 64-bit will cause your computer to catch fire and melt right off your desk. You really need to consider the limits of your hardware. These devices are expensive to replace.

>… 32-bit

You have chosen to run the game in 32-bit. Next you need to decide what resolution you would like the game to be displayed in. Would you prefer to display the game in 144p, 240p, 360p, 480p, 720p, or 1080p?

>1080p

Wait, REALLY? You’re running the game in 32-bit and you expect your steam powered choo-choo pc to be able to go hi-def? Are you for real? Look spanky, this is a top of the line text adventure. The graphical prowess of this master work pushes even the best computers to the max. The font in this game will blow your fucking mind. What’s next? Are you going to set it to 60 frames? I bet you will. Fine, that’s what you want and that’s what you’ll get. Boom! It’s done. 1080p AND 60 frames.

>30 frames

Ha-Ha, no.
This is the last step. The Softmind Softwaretm game company is sponsored by the Blindenführblind online search engine. If you wish to install this search engine’s toolbar say “yes”. If you do not wish to install this toolbar say “no”. If you select yes the toolbar will automatically be installed and applied to your web browser. Yes or No?

>no

You have selected “yes”. Are you sure?

>no
>no
>no
>NO!

Thank you for your cooperation. The Blindenführblind toolbar will be immediately installed along with your copy of Noise Lights: A Text Adventure.
Please wait, installing now.

[-///////////////////////////////----]

Installation 97% Complete

[ERROR]

There was a problem with the installation. Please remove the disc and try again.

[LOADING]

Thank you for the purchase of your copy of Noise Lights: A Text Adventure copyrighted by-

>skip
>recommended
>32-bit
>720p
>30 frames
>no

Please wait, installing now.

[ERROR]

Codex:"It seems you have unsuccessfully attempted to install this game more than once. If you need help please contact the Softmind Software^tm helpline. If you do not know the phone number, please ask."

>What is the number?

That information is not available here. Try asking a different way. You’d know this if you read the instruction booklet.

>Codex: What is the number?

Codex:"You may contact the helpline helpcenter by typing 1-888-TOO-DUMB into your computer. The helpline was constructed for ease of consumer convenience after too many incidents involving melting computers and unwanted toolbars. The helpline’s office hours are 2pm-4pm every other business day."

>1-888-TOO-DUMB

Customer Service Professional:"You’re calling about the install wizard right? Look, if you’re having trouble with the recommended settings you’re just gonna have to try custom settings. Trust me, it’ll work."

[LOADING]

Thank you for the purchase of-

>skip
>custom

You have chosen the custom settings for installation. Please use the options below to personalize the installation of your gaming experience.

1. [GRAPHICS]
2. [SOUND]
3. [CODING]
4. [TEXT SIZE]
5. [JUST INSTALL THE GAME, NO BS]

>5

[-//////////////////////////////////-]

Installation 100% Complete
The game has successfully installed. Hit enter to start playing.

>enter[size=medium]

typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 02:36 AM

You hear the soft pitter-patter of rain on metal. You open your eyes to the sight of the torn and tattered ceiling of a truck. You can also see the dome light that doesn’t work. This is your brother’s truck. The truck is erratically jostling back and forth. You can also hear a loud and constant sound. A large number of similar sounds, actually. If you had to describe it, which you do, you would say it sounds like a loud chorus of banshees gargling water through a solid piece of tin. Looking forward through the windshield, you see that you are deep in the woods with the only sign of civilization being a small run down shack off in the distance. It’s actually no mystery how you got here. You “borrowed” your brother’s truck with the express purpose of finding that shack over there. It is a mystery, however, that while you remember arriving you don’t remember falling asleep. Asleep for a considerable amount of time, even. It was still morning when you arrived and now it’s dusk.

You look down at yourself. The first thing you always do when you wake up from an unplanned sleeping session is to make sure you still have all your clothes on. Every article is accounted for. You open your inventory to check if everything is still there as well. It contains:

1 can of dehydrated cans, add water for more cans
1 blood stained cool-guy's fingerless glove, collector's preference
1 book titled Staying Delicious: Keep Your Cool as a Fool
1 snake catching kit
1 electronic codex, a product of Softmind Software^tm

Everything in there is accounted for as well. Except, you don’t remember owning an electronic codex since this morning. Or ever.

The truck is still shaking, that horrible noise is still there, and it will be dark soon.
What’cha gonna do?

Show Content

typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 02:41 AM

Quote:> Check out the codex.

You open up your inventory again and pull out the electronic codex. It is a small, palm-sized thing with hardly any weight to it. There appears to be no visible method of inputting information. No buttons or touch screen to speak of. The only distinct features are a small dome shaped wire speaker, the Softmind Softwaretm logo, and a small compartment clip on the back. Fiddling with the clip causes the codex to open up effectively splitting in half. As the bottom half swings idly on a pair tiny hinges, a folded paper tumbles out. It is an incomprehensible document of service agreements and legalese.

1 legalese document added to your inventory

Seeing the compartment open, you can see that there is barely any room left in the device for circuitry or anything else. The whole set up seems to exist for no other reason than for something the speaker can attach to.

Codex: "Thank you for the purchase of your eCodex brand electronic codex copyrighted by Softmind-"

>skip

Codex: "The function of this codex, gentle consumer, is simple and sincere. It is to provide you, yes you, with all the knowledge today’s busy person on the go will need to succeed and survive in the modern world. Too often have there been accidents that could have been avoided if only people knew how. Someone believes they can win in a fight against a bulldozer, another thinks the West Canadian Mind Peeler will make a great pet, and another gets his undergarments caught on a tree branch and accidentally wedgies himself to death. It all happens and it can all be avoided. The eCodex exists as the finest repository of knowledge to be consulted on any and all matters outside your understanding.
The Softmind Software^tm Company accepts no responsibility for accidents fatal or otherwise resulting in the misuse or proper use of the information provided by this product. Any and all purchases are final. Plagiarism and copyright breaches will be dealt with swiftly and horribly. There is no warranty."

Quote:> Look outside for the source of the sound.

Looking out the front and side windows shows no immediate signs of life close by. The trees are thick enough to prevent you from seeing anything too far away. Looking behind you out the rear window shows you immediately what the cause of both the truck's movement and that ungodly noise. In the bed of the truck is a massive, writhing pile of snakes.

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 03:02 AM

Quote:> Aw sick you love snakes
>Dive around the snakes like a porpoise, and burrow through them like a gopher, and toss them up and let then hit you on the head.

Joy and elation! Snakes! You love snakes. You love them so god damn much it’s not even funny. Ever since you were a child you wanted to be just like the snakes. To look like them, think like them, smell like them, eat like them, be with them, share your soul with them, and seduce their women. This is your chance. The snakes appearing in the back of your brother’s truck is a sign. Today you seize your destiny.
Unwilling to waste any time going around you throw yourself against the truck’s rear windshield. After bludgeoning the window with your body a few times the glass shatters just wide enough for you to barely get through. As you force yourself through the glass you pay no heed to the pain as you are scratched and cut deep by the jagged shards. You have no time to think about the pain, there are snakes waiting for you. As you finally force through you toss yourself into the waiting embrace of the limbless reptiles. Their head spines bristle outward as they look up to meet you. Their screech-gargling briefly reaches an almost deafening pitch as they open their mouths revealing several rows of needle like teeth. You fall into the shining, shifting mass of blood red, reddish brown, and sickly purple coils. Seized in their embrace you begin trying to burrow and swim through them. From this day forward you will be one of them. The snakes immediately set upon you. What little light that dusk provides is stolen from you as the slithering mass pulls you inward and buries you. You shed a single tear as the biting starts. Your dream, it was so close. Alas, it was not meant to be. The snakes tear into you with feral ravenousness. Eventually there is nothing left. Not even bones. In all honesty, what did you think would happen?

[RELOAD]

You gasp as you are jolted back to reality. Did you fall asleep again? Was that a dream? It doesn’t seem like much time has passed. It’s still dusk. What the hell was that? You don’t even like snakes that much. Whatever it was, it did do something that was marginally helpful. You recognize what kind of snakes these are. You heard from a crappy wildlife show that they’re called Howling Gut Snakes. That’s really all you can remember.

Quote:>Dance

Normally you’d say this isn’t the time or place, but that vision, or whatever it was, really bothered you. Something to take your mind off edge will undoubtedly help. There isn’t much room in the truck to dance, but you do your best to rhythmically gyrate and convulse like the funky dance demon you apparently are.
Yeah, that really hit the spot. The snakes didn’t seem to like it, though. The noises they’re making got louder.

Quote:> Rev up your engines and drive the fuck out of there, all the way to Nopeville.

You’re not exactly sure how driving will get you away from the snakes. Since they are in the bed of the truck, wherever the truck goes they can’t help but go as well. Then again, you won’t have to walk as far to get to the shack, and you can just duck inside if the snakes try anything. On the other hand, if you jostling the car was enough to upset them, revving the truck up might send them into a frenzy. You know what? You’ll do it anyway. Man and machine always beats whatever nature can cough up. You grasp the steering wheel and reach for the ignition. Fuck ‘em up! Your hand doesn’t find anything. You look down to see the keys are missing.
Exactly how dangerous Howling Gut Snakes are is made suddenly and painfully relevant to you.

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 03:20 AM

Quote:> Hotwire it.

No keys? Pffft! Who cares? You’ve seen enough movies to know what comes next. You just need to pull out those wires beneath the steering wheel and cross two or more of them to make the engine purr like a puma. The damage to the vehicle is of no concern. It’s not like this truck is yours. You just need to get under the… Find the… Thing and do… The thing? As you stare blankly at where you imagine those magic wires might be you realize you have no idea how to hotwire a car or anything else. Dammit. Why did you drop out of Carjacker’s College?

Quote:> Check the seats, if the keys aren't there, grab a stick or something and jump into the pile of snakes before whacking them all to submission.

Yeah, uh, no. After that vision thing showed you being eaten alive you have deduced that throwing yourself into the pile of deadly, killer snakes is not only a bad idea, but the kind of thing that gets you nominated for a Darwin Award. This is an action that is most certainly not conducive to your long term, or even short term, well being. Finding a weapon along with the keys strikes you as a good idea, however. If one of them gets in the truck, perhaps you can scare it away with a well-placed bop to its snakely head.
You check beneath yourself to make sure you’re not sitting on them. The keys aren’t there. You also check the only other available seat, the passenger seat. Not there either. There is a pile of wire coat hangers instead. Not surprising. You did swipe your brother’s keys and take his truck while he was in the laundromat. He was making a huge fuss about a fancy dress. Anyway, you don’t find the keys in the seats, but that large pile of coat hangers could be useful. You’ll keep them in mind for later.

Quote:> Examine glove compartment, sun visor, cup holder and any other nooks and crannies where keys might be hiding.

You continue your search through the rest of the truck to find the keys. The glove compartment is being held closed with tape. There is also a note taped to it. The only thing inside the glove compartment is a ratty, old shoe. You find a pair of “decorative” brass balls hanging from the rear-view mirror. There’s nothing in the cup holder put a fistful of rusty pennies. The only thing noteworthy about the gear stick is the eight ball decal it has for a knob. Checking the visors yield only a cracked mirror and several expired food coupons. Scouring the floor only nets you dirt and garbage. Also, the cat plush toy suction-cupped to the widow is missing its tail.
So, you didn’t find the keys but you found some possibly useful items that can aid you on your pilgrimage. You found coat hangers, a crumby shoe, a note, and a whole mess of other stuff. That’s useful, right?

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-02-2016, 03:45 AM

Quote:> Use snake catching kit then read the note.

Oh, yeah. This thing. It sure is lucky that you have this. The salesman warned you about the danger that snakes pose. Going on about how they could be everywhere spying on you; hiding behind doors, watching you while you sleep, stealing your breakfast cereal, and taking pictures of you while you bathe. You thought he was full of crap, despite the pictures of you in the shower he had to prove it. The only reason you bought the kit is because it was so cheap. He only wanted an ID and credit card. You gave him your brother’s.
Unlatching the Snake Catching Kit you peer inside. The kit contains: an extend-o-grab, a mallet, a pistol, and a vial of blood.
You suppose some of these items might be useful against the snakes if they get rowdy. The others, you couldn’t even begin to guess.
4 new items added to your inventory.
Now that its purpose has been completed, the Snake Catching Kit dissolves into nothingness.
1 Snake Catching Kit has been removed from your inventory.
Remembering the note taped to the glove compartment, you snatch it up to read. It says:

“Joe, you fucking dipshit.
I already told you, you can’t borrow the truck. I know you’re just gonna take it anyway, so you better have it back by Friday, or else. I need it to pick up chicks. Also, if there is so much as one frickin’ scratch on it, I swear, I will make you eat your own face.
signed,
Big Bro”

You roll your eyes as you crumple up the note and toss it aside. You really have no idea why he gets so mad about this stuff. You wouldn’t have to take his truck so often if he would just let you use it. Another thing, his truck is so trashed and beaten up that it would hardly matter if it got a few more scratches. Granted, every single one of those dents and scratches is your fault, but that’s beside the point. The thing is he’s really just as guilty as you in all this. Maybe a little more… Actually, it’s entirely his fault.

Quote:> Bribe snakes into leaving with pennies and coupons.

You take a handful of pennies and a handful of coupons. You turn to the rear windshield. The snakes in the truck’s bed are still writhing and howling. One slithers up to the windshield and stares back at you. You wave the pennies and coupons tantalizingly before it. That’s right, you slithery son of a bitch. Take the bait, you know you want to. The snake is unmoved by your offer. Its head spines extend and its pupils contract as it fogs the window with its breath. It screeches and moves to strike you. Fortunately it only manages to bloody its nose on the windshield. It falls back into the mass, thrashing violently.
Damn. Well, it was a good idea, anyway.
Pennies and coupons added to your inventory.

Quote:> Look in the codex, to see if it has information regarding where your keys are.

Codex: "Since its very beginning, mankind has had secrets. Many secrets; so many secrets, in fact, that if they were not properly kept ordered and contained, they would flood out into the streets and bury anyone passing by in a mountain of hushed words. The most common method used to prevent such clutter is the lock and key. The lock is traditionally placed on an object or device with enough space to accommodate internal storage. The key is used to allow access to the secrets, objects, or secret objects kept inside to the key’s holder. It is encouraged that the key holder keeps said key and all copies to them-self as studies have shown that allowing unlimited public access to what the key guards defeats the purpose of having the lock and key in the first place.
It is worth noting that before the key’s invention the favored method of secret keeping was to hide the object underneath a large rock. The intention was for the rock’s sheer weight to dissuade any thieves considering the effort involved in moving it. The actual practice was that the object would be crushed, thus rendering it in a state no one would want to take. This practice took the prehistoric world by storm and explains why nearly all pots archaeologists find are broken.
Was this information helpful?
Also, an excessive amount of snake noise has been detected. Would you like assistance?"

Player Statistics:

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juddy555 · 05-02-2016, 05:00 AM

Huzza! TypeAndKey (and by extension, NoiseLights) lives! Many fanventure authors were lost in The Great Forum Death, but this one shall live on!
Drama aside, welcome back. I am looking forward to continuing this fanventure.

typeandkey · 05-04-2016, 06:36 PM

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Quote:> Yes. In case it takes one answer to both; rather have something unhelpful be marked as helpful than lose out on assistance.

You hastily agree to everything the codex has to say with a hearty and resounding “yes”.

Codex: "You have answered “yes” to all queries. The helpfulness of the previous information dispensed has been logged with customer service. You have accepted assistance with your current or impending snake problem. You have also agreed to install the Blindenführblind search engine toolbar. It will be applied to your web browser immediately.
The snake or snakes in question have been identified as the Howling Gut Snake. The Howling Gut Snake was first discovered in 1925 by semi-almost-renowned wildlife biologist Dr. Samuel Goarman Howler. The snake is named after two conventions: The first being after Dr. Howler himself and the second being after the unique gurgling screech the snakes make that, so far, no other known species of snake has been able to produce. The Howling Gut Snake’s other claim to fame are its feeding habits. It produces no venom, but instead directly attacks its prey and, using its teeth, burrows inside of it. Once inside it begins to eat the still living prey from the inside out. The snake’s trademark head spines prevent it from being removed during the burrowing process.
The snake’s only preference in habitat appears to be flat plain areas as, since its discovery, it has been found in arid, tropical, temperate, and tundra biomes. The snake’s temperament has been described by specialists as being “irritable” at best and “completely, blood-curdlingly psychotic” at worst. The snake responds negatively to being shaken as well as loud noises. Though, this is a trait shared by many creatures, the Howling Gut Snakes react in such an exceedingly negative way that it bears speacial mentioning and warning. When they hunt, the scent of their prey’s blood has been known to drive the snakes into a violent feeding frenzy. Even though they do share dens during the hibernation season, these creatures are mostly solitary.
While Dr. Howler is credited for discovering the Howling Gut Snake, his discovery was actually accidental. Dr. Howler experienced the snake’s feeding habits first hand one night while making use of his science team’s outhouse during an expedition. His discovery was accidental in that he hadn’t the slightest clue of what hit him. His wife Zealia Howler was moved to tears when she found out she would not receive any royalty checks from the snakes being named after her husband.
The best advice when approaching these creatures is to not approach them. It is better to just avoid them entirely, keep away from anywhere they might live, go about your life, and pretend they don’t exist.
Was this information helpful?"

You: "Well, now… That was informative…"

Quote:> Check the doors.

The first thing you decide to do after sitting through a long-winded spiel about how dangerous the snakes outside are, is to evaluate how easily you can get outside. When you turn to the driver’s side door you notice that the window is slightly open. Wait, why is it open? Was it open when you woke up? Something in the back of your mind is telling you that it’s not important and you shouldn’t worry about it. Even though it clearly is and you should.
While examining the window you see something glimmer out of the corner of your eye. It’s the keys! They’re dangling by a key ring from the truck’s radio antenna to the left of the hood. Someone has to be messing with you. There’s no way you put them out there. Is this some kind of practical joke? If this is for TV, it’d only be funny if it were happening to anyone other than you.

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-04-2016, 06:50 PM

Quote:> Well, if the keys are in the last place you look, swear to look nowhere else besides your pocket. That way, when you look in your pocket, they will be there.

That’s… That’s a… That’s a really good idea, actually. Your keys are absolutely always in the last place you look. If you resolve to make sure the first place you look is also the last place, then logically the keys will be there. Oh, you conniving genius, you. Always finding ways around the system. Classic Joe.

[NEW ABILITY UNLOCKED]

A Kall to Keys
Codex: "You have unlocked a new ability. The ability “A Kall to Keys” allows you to find any type of key or keys in any place you choose to look. However, the place you look must be large enough to contain the keys you wish to find, you cannot know where the keys are (they must be “lost”), and you must have had the keys in your possession at least once.
You may check the abilities menu in the player statistics tab. You may only have three abilities active at once. You can also only switch your abilities twice every in-game day."

Quote:> Roll down the window as little as is needed to fully get your arm through, then reach out to get the keys.
>Roll down the window, open the vial of blood and throw it as far as you can in the opposite direction of the shack. Try to throw it against a tree or a rock or something so that it breaks and the snakes can smell it more easily.
>While they're distracted by that, climb out the side of the truck nearest the shack, grab the keys if you don't already have them, and run like hell into the shack.

As you search the door for the window crank you instead find a button. The widows are electric and will not roll down unless the engine is running. Just to make sure, you check the locks as well. The locks are one of those pushpin set-ups you can find in older vehicles. The doors have been locked and the pins broken, off sealing the truck doors firmly shut. The obvious design flaws are glaring you in the face. Who the hell builds cars like this? You can only fit your arm through the window’s narrow opening halfway up to your forearm. The keys are too far to reach this way. If you did try to throw the vial of blood out the window, with your arm restricted, you wouldn’t be able to toss it very far. The snakes would swarm too close for your comfort.

Quote:>Go ahead and get rid of blood-stained glove, too; you don't want to give those snakes any more reason to attack you.

YOU TAKE THAT BACK! How could you even consider that? This glove is a precious collector’s item. A limited, vintage piece. There are only a handful of these left in the world. Not to mention that it’s going to make you a decent amount of money someday. It was also a gift.
Wait… You and you. Exactly who’s being addressed here?

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-04-2016, 09:29 PM

Quote:> Put on the glove to gain the powers of whom you got it from.

Sure, that sounds reasonable enough. This glove is one of your prized possessions, after all. It’s also probably the most valuable thing you own. Funny story, how you got this. A bunch of limited-edition designer gloves were shipped to Nordstrom; you didn’t know about it before hand, you just happened to be stealing hubcaps in the parking lot on the big day when the gloves were put in stock. Seeing a huge gathering of people willing to maul each other made you decide that whatever they wanted was worth having. After shoving your way to the front of the line you had to fight a guy for the last pair. You ended up clubbing him with a bust of Chip Wilson. You didn’t have any money for the cashier, but you were intent to pay for the gloves with hubcaps. Instead of making you pay for the gloves, she just let you have them. As you recall, her words were something along the lines of:
“Oh my god! What did you do to that guy? Is that blood? I’m calling the police!”
Anyway, that was really nice of her. The police even contained the mob while you drove away in your brother’s truck. You also sideswiped a few cars, but, again, it’s not your truck.
It’s a shame you don’t have the glove’s mate right now. You don’t quite remember what you did with it. Oh well, you’ll probably find it again eventually. As you slide the glove on your left hand you feel a distant, tingling surge of energy. It crackles on your hand like a gauntlet of power. A regular power glove. An understanding dawns on you as your mind floods with visions of cash registers, money, and 1980’s power ties. The power of commerce is at the cusp of your fingertips. Or, they would be if the glove wasn’t fingerless. Before you can fully grasp this new power it fades from you. Only managing to halfway power up before shutting down. It looks like you need the other glove, wherever that is, before you can make full use of the commerce power.

1 blood stained cool-guy's finger-less glove removed from inventory
1 blood stained cool-guy's finger-less glove added to person as clothing

Quote:>Use the extend-o-grab to get the keys

Now there’s an idea. All you need to do is grab the keys with the grabber, start up the truck, do something else, and then you’re in the clear. It’s about time, too. You had a bunch of good ideas before that didn’t work. I wasn’t the ideas’ faults either. By all rights they could’ve and should’ve worked. It’s just that little things kept getting in the way. Stupid little things. The window’s not open wide enough, the key’s missing, there’s not enough room to dance. It’s like you’re being railroaded. No, this is actually worse than being railroaded. At least on a railroad you move forward. You literally haven’t been able to go anywhere. It’s like if a room had a bunch of obvious exits, but every time you try to use one the door seals itself because the great game of life says so. Yeah, well suck it whatever hackneyed, vague entity of self-importance constructed this shoddy truck/snake scenario. You and your ideas punched through this farce with cold, hard logic.
You angle the extend-o-grab towards the gap in the window. When the claw goes outside you’ll swing it towards the antenna and grab the key, quick and easy. You pull down the trigger and the grabber extends. The grabber’s claw is too big, apparently, and catches on the window and door. You are flung to the opposite door and slam into it bodily. The entire truck lurches to its side before slamming back down on the ground. A rising wail of bloody murder screeches from the truck’s bed. The wind is knocked from you. The large pile of wire coat hangers are sent scattered. A few of the hangers’ hooks catch on the back of your shirt, pants, and keister.

Oh!

OH REALLY, NOW!

What, pray tell, did you do wrong this time?! Did you need to spin the grabber around three times first? Where you supposed to have summoned the truck god three weeks ago to gain favor to help you now in the present? Were you supposed to do any innumerable amount of convoluted things that no person of sound mind would ever conceive of? What exactly are you supposed to do? You are not being railroaded; you’re stuck in a box! Why didn’t the glass break if the claw was too large? Is it made from indestructible diamond based alloy? Is that it? You stop mid-rant to pull wire coat hanger hooks out of your now tenderized backside. Their shape bends and stretches as you handle them. These damn things are worthless at everything. They probably can’t even hold up coats.
The truck is violently shaking back and forth. Looking out the window you see the snakes jerking and thrashing. They’ve begun spilling out over the sides of the truck bed. A few are even working their way over the top of the truck. You see a large one slither down the front windshield onto the hood and over the edge out of sight onto the ground.

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-05-2016, 05:46 AM

Quote:> Channel MacGyver with the coat hangers.
>Use coat hangers to assemble a key retrieval device.

Probably being your only option left short of burrowing through the truck’s bottom like a prairie dog, your mind is awash with countless MacGyver-esque Rube Goldberg devices. What autonomous mega-machines can you concoct? There are so many possibilities. You begin humming the MacGyver theme as you set to work. Will you make a flexible super claw, a winch, an ultra-crane? The sky is the limit. Wait, yes, that’s it! The sky! You can construct a rotary system entirely out of coat hangers to power a number of helicopter blades, also coat hangers, to allow the truck to take flight. Once up in the air you can tilt the truck-a-copter just enough to dump out all the snakes. When they all fall to their deaths you will be safe enough to continue with your shack quest. First things first, since you lack access to the truck’s combustion engine you’ll need to make a pedal system to-

[YOU DO NOT HAVE THE PROPER ABILITY]

You are unable to make a device that complicated without the proper mechanics ability. The best you can manage is to make a long wire hook.
With your key retrieval method finally constructed you begin the delicate procedure of hooking the key. Now that the snakes are so riled up you decide to keep what little of your arm that can fit out the window inside. Slowly and steadily the wire hook makes its way to the antennae where the keys are hanging. Outside the snakes appear to be getting everywhere. While more are still tumbling out of the truck’s bed a large number of them are on the ground striking and lashing out at anything and everything all the while howling and shrieking with barely contained animalistic rage. There is another sound of movement from above when a snake peeks down at you over the roof’s edge through the window. You get a close view of its four rows of teeth and two tongues as it tries to get to you by forcing itself through the window’s opening. It snaps its jaws a few times before it gives up and drops to the ground. Most likely to try and find another way inside. You finally hook the keys and quickly pull them in.

1 Keys added to your inventory.

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☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:27 AM

open the hood. snakes in the engine

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:30 AM

make another wire hook, attempt to operate windshield wipers manually

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:31 AM

throw the keys out the window. instead, pull out one of your teeth and jam it in the ignitionhole

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:31 AM

slip pennies into the air conditioning vents for good luck

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:32 AM

spit on dehydrated cans

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:33 AM

make it rain coupons

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:34 AM

or try putting the key in the keyhole and then turning it until the car starts?

☆ C.H.W.O.K.A ☆ · 05-06-2016, 01:40 AM

also, check the glove compartment (since this is a text adventure) and your gender while you're in the area

typeandkey · 05-12-2016, 02:27 AM

Quote:> Put the keys in and see what the next thing is that fails miserably.

Well, you have the keys. That’s one goal met. Considering how things have been going so far, though, you wonder if it’s even worth it to try the key in the ignition. In all likelihood the engine is clogged with snakes or something and the truck will explode, or maybe the truck will fall apart and the snakes will eat you. However it fails, hopefully it’s at least interesting. You insert the truck’s key into the ignition and turn.
The engine starts up and roars exactly as it should. Huh, that’s surprising. Another goal has been accomplished. You really aren’t sure what to do next. You weren’t expecting to get this far. Your attention is drawn outside. The roar of the engine and the truck's vibrations seem to have really pissed off all the gut snakes outside. Even more than they already were. The few that are still in the truck’s bed are thrashing around. You can also hear the snakes on the truck’s roof making a racket. The snakes all around you are shrieking too. Shrieking really loudly. Everywhere. If you weren’t still so damn impressed that you actually got the truck running this would all be very terrifying. Like something out of a living nightmare. Ho-hum.
A few more snakes start dropping down past your slightly open window. Even though they’re probably too large to fit you quickly roll it up just to be safe. Yeah, so, the truck’s running. What now?

Quote:>DRIVE!

"AUGH!" There’s no need to shout! Right, drive. Driving is good. Movement. Movement is the goal here. Drive where? Going forward is the shack, but if you barrel forward you’d just crash into it. Left and right are full of trees. Then the best course of action is-
You shift the truck into reverse and floor the gas pedal. You barrel backwards at high velocity. The snakes on the roof and hood lose their purchase and slide off. You hear moist crunching as the snakes beneath the truck are crushed into paste. The snakes in the truck's bed slam into the wall behind you. They make it clear that they’re not pleased, but, then, they really don’t get a say in the matter, do they? After you put some distant between you and the swarm of snakes ahead, you hit the brake. The snakes left in the bed slam into the opposite wall. They don’t make as much noise this time.
Deep breaths, deep breaths. You’re running on adrenaline right now. Okay, what’s next?

Quote:>Roll down the window, open the vial of blood and throw it as far as you can in the opposite direction of the shack. Try to throw it against a tree or a rock or something so that it breaks and the snakes can smell it more easily.

The snakes in the truck’s bed appear to be dazed. Hopefully they won’t be a problem. You hit the button and roll the window down all the way. You shift the truck into park and lean out the window as far as you can. You take out the vial of blood and pop the cap off. You need to do this right. You spout the first one-liner you can think of. “It was snakes to meet you!”
Was that a good one-liner? With all your strength you toss the vial at the swarm. The vial doesn’t hit any trees or rocks, but it does land on the crushed snakes you left during your mad dash backwards.
The moment the first drop of blood hits the ground the snakes stop shrieking and the forest goes completely silent. There is a single brief chorus of the snake’s gurgling howls as they make a beeline for where the vial landed in a pile of their pasted brethren. Even the snakes that were still in the truck’s bed spill over its sides to get there.
With the scent of prey’s blood is mixed with their own, they all converge into a mass and begin attacking one another. They strike and bite and tear into each other. They even indulge in their *traditional* feeding method. It’s one big slithering swarm of gore and violence. Good lord, that sound is unbearable. It’s not very pleasant to look at either.

1 vial of blood removed from inventory.

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Softmind Software^tm Monthly Corporate Newsletter:

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SpoilerHello valued corporate investors. I would first just like to start this by saying that you all look fantastic this evening. That was really kind of irrelevant considering this is a pre-recorded message, I don’t know what any of you actually look like, and I really don’t give a damn how you look anyway. Right, that’s out of the way and the ice is broken.
I would like to dedicate this to addressing the massive amount off angry calls we’ve been getting from all of you. Yes, I know our business model isn’t exactly how we described it in the paper work, but trust me, this will work out better. We all know that the most common form of product management and problem solving in the business world is to just throw money and people at it until it’s fixed. If it didn’t work people wouldn’t keep doing it, am I right or am I right? We decided to take that concept and rev it up to the extreme. We’re gonna get places with this, believe me. Our current staff is large enough to fill six sporting stadiums. We actually bought a stadium and built five more next to it. Which sport? I don’t know, the really big one. There’s a ball, I think. With the amount of people we have and with what you’re paying us, you can bet your bottom dollar we’re gonna whip up something fantastic. That being said, stadiums are great for sports, but not so much for office buildings. The existing space isn’t exactly accommodating to our needs right now. In fact, we’ve currently set a record for all time lowest productivity in the history of the business world. We’re in the process of fixing that. Also, one of the stadiums is filled with nothing but pinball machines. We’ve had to reallocate employees to other stadiums, so space is a largish-small issue. What can I say? I’m a collector. Don’t worry, it’s under control.
Another big issue you kept ragging at us about in all your calls is that you all believed this was an exclusive partnership. Seriously though, you should spend less time on the phone. Try it, you might get some work done. Anyway, the exclusive partnership? Yeah, that was actually just a straight lie. Sorry about that. In our defense, you wouldn’t have agreed to fund us if we didn’t lie to you.
So, Hopefully this has answered any questions you may have had. There’s no need to worry, we’ve got everything in the books and under control. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Seriously, we’re blocking you. Your constant calls were really distracting, we’re trying to run a business. Don’t stress it. I can guarantee that you’re all in for the biggest payday of your lives. Trust me.

From the desk of Geraldine Hayes.

typeandkey · 05-12-2016, 02:46 AM

Quote:>Truck: Level up from slaying those snakes.

The combined experience your brother’s truck receives from killing the snakes and completing a quest is just enough for it to level up. Its rank increases from Rank 1 Mud Masher to Rank 2 Snake Smasher. It also receives a stat bonus of +3d6 worth of extra damage to all snake and snake-kin type creatures. The added 3 dice will hopefully bolster the truck’s, quite frankly, shameful dice pool of only 10d6. You’ll only get the 13 for snake-kin, though. Anything else and you’ve only got the truck stats that God/the mechanic gave you.
You do not receive any experience because you are not a truck.

Quote:> Drive into the shack.

Yeah, it’s about time too. Who thought getting to this fucking shack would end up being such a hassle? It should be fine now, you’ve figured it out. The shack is free before you and nothing is stopping you. Considering your recent luck with doors, is it worth your time to try opening it normally? Another question: why risk it? You’ve got the ultimate door opener with you right now. The newly christened Snake Smasher, a.k.a. your brother’s stupid, crappy truck that you’ve made a hobby out of regularly trashing. No effort, no chance of failure, and no skin off your nose.
You rev the truck up and start barreling forwards. A quick, clean smash through the front door ought to do it. It’s not a very big shack, but the truck should be able to fit. The shack is actually larger on the inside. Like from that show with the Swedish alien and his time traveling IKEA store. You’re positive that it’s larger on the inside because the Noise Lights told you so. Oh, you haven’t mentioned the Noise Lights yet? Well, how it happened was-
The truck smashes into the shack at a nearly break-neck speed. Instead of the shack’s front wall caving in, you see the front of the truck begin to crumple from the impact. The shack gets closer and closer to you as the vehicle continues forward with its velocity. With no more room under the hood the engine begins to force its way into the truck’s cabin. It catches on your right leg. Oh, tough luck. You’re not going to be able to get that back. As the truck moves further still the steering wheel begins to press against your chest. It pushes against you to the point of being uncomfortable, and then keeps on pushing. It, well, you… The bottom line is you get squished, sorry about that.
Wow, that shack is pretty sturdy, huh? It looks like those snakes got the last laugh anyway.

[RELOAD]

You quickly shake your head as you are once again made aware of your surroundings. Oh no, you had another one of those vision things. These things are seriously distracting. A person could get hurt if they just keep spontaneously getting forced into having daydreams. What if it happened while you were driving? You could get in an accident.
Your situation is still the same as it was a moment before. You’re sitting in a running truck parked a distance away from the shack that is your current destination and a pile of twitching snake gore. Yep, it’s still not very nice to look at. You’re just going to keep trying to not look at it. Maybe pretend it isn’t there. Whatever works.

Quote:>Player: Drive back to the shed and go inside carefully.

You shift the truck into gear and slowly proceed forward. You cautiously turn around the pile of stuff that you’re pretending isn’t there and loop around the back of the shack. There’s just barely enough room for the truck to fit through and it gets scraped by a few branches as it makes its way around. You stop the truck next to the shack’s side while you face the way you came. If you have to make a quick getaway, you can just go in a straight line. Since the locks on the truck’s doors have been broken you have to roll the window down and crawl out that way. Your feet finally touch ground as you feel the cool, musty forest air. The light is rapidly fading as dusk gives way to night. Now, here comes the easy part. You just need to casually walk to the front door, turn the knob, and walk in like a normal person. There’s no need to do anything rash-

Quote:>Put as much distance between you and the snakes as possible!

Oh yeah, the snakes. You look over your shoulder and- DAMMIT, you were trying to forget they were there! You see the still twitching and quivering mass of snake blood and guts. You even hear a few weak gurgles and pitiful shrieks as the last few snakes that haven’t bled out yet breathe their last few breaths. With this jolt of unpleasantness you quickly fling the shack’s door open and bolt inwards. You get fewer than ten steps inside before you crash into something solid and fall over backwards. The door slams shut behind you. You are in near total darkness.

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-12-2016, 03:02 AM

Quote:> Step backwards to reopen the door.

After you fall flat on your back, you immediately begin shuffling your feet. Moving your legs, you position both of your feet flat on the ground. You start pushing yourself towards the door from which you entered. You can feel the wood grain as well as layers of dust and dirt against your back as you scoot along. When the top of your head makes contact with the door, you continue pushing yourself against it. Unfortunately, pushing yourself against the door while lying on your back does not open it. After a few more moments of attempting to open the door in this manner you finally stand up.
You grab the doorknob and turn it to find the door opens just as easily as it did before. Peeking outside you see that while there are still trace amounts of light, the treetops are blocking most of it. The sounds of the forest are changing from birdsong to crickets and the echoing cry of an owl. When you step back inside the door slams shut on you again. You feel around the door and discover the cause. It’s one of those spring-loaded door-stoppers meant to automatically close doors in order to prevent careless guests and homesteaders from leaving it open lest they and their kin be whisked away by boogeymen and screech owls.
Even if you hold the door open there’s not enough light to allow you to see much inside the shack. The best you can make out are two windows, one to the left and right of the door each. You hear a lingering noise above you, a faint tapping sound. Like something light gently tapping against fragile glass. Perhaps something moved as a result of a breeze when you opened the door, or when you barreled headlong into that solid object like a bull in a china shop.

Quote:> Carefully open the door and step out, hoping to get enough light to see what's moving.

Slowly and with great care, you once again open the door. Millimeter by millimeter you pull the door inwards, every quiet and lowly scrape or creek echoes in your mind as if the very core of the earth was tearing opening to swallow the world above. With the care and precision of a neurosurgeon infused with the life’s blood of an astrophysicist, you finally prop the door open. The door will close automatically thanks to the spring device, so you hold it open with your foot.
The last bows of the sun snaking through the clouds and trees only provide so much light. It’s nearly completely dark outside. What little illumination there is doesn’t venture much farther than the door’s threshold. Even if it was the middle of the day, you’re not sure if the outside light would be that much help. The no doubt cyclopean size of the shack’s interior most likely exceeds what probability will allow to be illuminated. How far can a flashlight reach at the bottom of the ocean? Not very. It occurs to you that since the shack is so dramatically larger on the inside, exploring it might become an issue. The Noise Lights only told you to explore the shack, they never mentioned how. Your eye suddenly catches something glinting above. It seems to be moving in sync with the light tapping sound.

Quote:> Of course it wasn't nothing. And don't be silly. Owls aren't strong enough to carry a person off.

That depends entirely on what kind of owl. You remember one nature show that got cancelled because members of the film crew kept getting carried off by owls, eagles, and humming birds.
The noise is obviously something rather than nothing, confirmed now by the fact that you are looking at what appears to be making it. After a few tentative steps forward into the dark you reach for the swaying glinting thing. You hand grabs something small, thin, and light. It feels like a metal bottle cap with a hole punched through it tied to a string. It doesn’t feel very taught. It actually has a lot of give, what should you do with it?

Player Statistics:

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typeandkey · 05-12-2016, 03:27 AM

[April Fools Update]

Quote:> Try pulling it.

Yes. The most logical, and the only, course of action is to pull it. You do so. With gusto and ease. As you lower your arm with complete masterful pulling skills you hear a heavy click that indeed confirms your domination an all things that can be pulled. The reward for your fantastic display is many blinding lights flashing to life and glaring all around you. After your eyes adjust, you take in your surroundings. You are surrounded by an endless void stretching off into infinity in all directions. Within the void that surrounds you is an innumerable amount of massive, explosive thermonuclear devices. It also appears the string you just pulled was a trigger. A large timer begins to countdown starting at five minutes. The only way to deactivate the countdown is to input the correct deactivation code. The deactivation code is, by chance, a sequence of bodily movements that perfectly coincide with escaping from a locked truck. There is a to-scale model of a truck attached to the bomb’s countdown timer. If you hurry you can input the code before it’s too late!
After careful consideration you decide that it’s not worth it to go through that ordeal again. There are even snakes in this truck as well. No,no. You decide to spend the last few minutes of your life lounging on the floor to relax after a hard evening’s trials. They’re pretty good.
Once the timer hits zero every bomb detonates and you are dissolved into a puff of atoms. The explosion created by the temporally infinite number of nuclear devices quickly envelopes the globe and moves beyond. At a speed many times greater than light, the explosion stretches into the cosmos and in a mere matter of hours, completely dissolves the universe and the whole of creation.

[CONGRATULATIONS, YOU WIN!]

Score: 999 out of 10

Stuff Ab0ut T3h Pl8y3r:

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typeandkey · 05-12-2016, 03:40 AM

Quote:> Try pulling it.

You pull it. There is a quiet but still audible click. In an instant everything around you is illuminated. You are staring up at a single lightbulb dangling from a cord. That thing you pulled actually was a bottle cap tied to a string, just like you guessed. It is worth noting that the string is specifically of a hemp-twine make and the bottle cap is from the Soda Marsouin Company. Well, it’s good you found a light source. Hopefully you can find more. Exploring this massive labyrinth hidden in a tiny shack will be very difficult in the dark.
When you look down from the light above you see four walls. Four shabby, wooden walls made of rotten boards filled with holes. There are two cracked windows on opposite sides to your left and right. You can see your brother’s truck outside of the one to your left. The door you entered is shut behind you. There appear to be two trapdoors, one is on the ceiling and the other is on the floor. Other than the dirt and sawdust beneath your feet, there isn’t much else in here. This appears to be a perfectly normal shack. It also noticeably appears to NOT be the massive complex of mazes and oubliettes you were led to believe it would be. Those fucking lights lied to you! Actually, this shack looks smaller on the inside. Outside, it was big enough you had to make an ordeal of driving the truck around it. Inside, the walls are only about ten paces apart from each other. You can tell you’re not just in a smaller room surrounded by more rooms because the windows allow you to see directly outside. Not to mention you can see through the walls’ many holes, as well. That thing you ran into earlier was actually just the wall currently in front of you. This would be incredibly disappointing if you just weren’t so pissed off about it.

Player Statistics:

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Codex:

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typeandkey · 05-18-2016, 04:45 AM

The realization that you wasted an entire day and nearly died over a big fat lie only adds fuel to the fire of your inner hurricane of negativity. When you’re told you’re going to see a specific type of dimensionaly impossible architecture you expect to see that specific type of dimensionaly impossible architecture. You were supposed to find an internal structure so mind bendingly large that it would have shattered your fragile little sanity like so many sugar wafers. Instead, you find the poor man’s shack. So poor, in fact, he could only afford to make the inside smaller than the outside… That analogy didn’t quite work, but that’s just because of how pissed you are.

[STATUS CHANGED TO PISSED]

Codex: "Your emotional status (or just status for short) shows your current emotional and mental state. Your status will affect how you socialize and speak to other people. Example: with the status effect of PISSED any dialogue spoken by you will be belligerent and hostile. The status may be changed by performing certain actions, such as watching a comedy film to gain the status effect of JOVIAL. Only extreme status effects will affect your actions. The status effect of TERRIFIED will prevent you from climbing into the Gaping Stone Mouth of Eternal Wailing Nightmares while the effect of AFRAID will still allow you to be coaxed into it. Some actions may only be performed with a specific status effect."

Quote:> Stop being pissed off about it.

Yeah, this isn’t helping. You came out here with a job to do and being upset isn’t going to help anything. You’ll need to have an open mind to get through this. There has to be a way to calm down, and you have the perfect idea.

[NEW ABILITY UNLOCKED]

Stat Tat
Codex: "Because of your past experience with *ahem* substances, you have a working knowledge of chemicals and powders; specifically of the mind altering variety. Because of this you are able to grind any item in your inventory into a fine powder that will apply the MELLOW status to anyone it is used on. This status can be interrupted by another, how long it lasts uninterrupted depends entirely on what item is used. Be careful which items you sacrifice, it could be something you need later. You will not lose anything for this application, however. The first one’s always free."

You take a handful of powder and smear it over your face while inhaling deeply. A feeling of absolute calm washes over you as the powder works its magic. Who’s pissed? Certainly not you. You feel how a sage on a mountaintop must feel; a feeling of deep enlightened understanding of all things while not actually understanding anything at all. You also feel a little hungry.

[STATUS CHANGED TO MELLOW]

You know what? Maybe you were a little hasty earlier. Maybe the shack being bigger on the inside was a metaphor. You don’t know how this stuff works. It can’t be easy making something smaller on the inside. For all you know, entire universes of space might be needed and interwoven to the mini-infinite reality of compressed space. Maybe more space is what less space is made of. You sure could go for a peanut butter panini right now.

Quote:> Check if pistol has bullets or not by looking down the barrel and pulling the trigger.

You know what? Why not? Normally this would strike you as an incredibly bad idea, but you just feel so mellow right now that you’re up for anything. You pull the pistol out of your inventory and gaze down the barrel. You could check to see if it’s loaded by popping the clip out or absolutely any other way, really, but that just doesn’t seem as fun. It’s too dark down the barrel to see if there’s a bullet in it; only one thing left to do. You pull the trigger as you look into the gun expectantly. A small pole with a flag tied to the end pops out. The flag has the word “BANG” printed on it in big, comical letters; how fun. What an incredibly delightful and whimsical surprise. Unfortunately the tiny pole pops out with such force that it lodges itself deep into your forehead.

[STATUS CHANGED TO PANICKED, IN PAIN]

As your precious, precious thought juices start dripping down over your face, you let out a high-pitched, girlish scream. Waving your arms around, you start running in circles, however, even with your IQ steadily declining you realize that running in circles isn’t getting you anywhere. You then proceed smash through the door into the forest night all the while still waving your arms and screaming. The owl you heard earlier spots you. Unfortunately your dying throes of pain and agony match this particular owl species’ mating call and dance. Seeing a potential cuddle buddy, the lonely owl swoops down and grasps your writhing carcass in its talons. With a flap of its mighty wings, it carries you away over the trees and through the moonlight sky. When it finally reaches its nest, the owl begins the mating ritual by burying you in its hoard of tootsie pops. Then it lays eggs in your brain. Ah, young love.

[RELOAD]

You squeak out a pitiful cry as your hands fly up to your forehead. Yet another terrifying and disgusting vision. Why is your subconscious imagination so grotesque? Why do you keep blacking out and having these episodes? Do you need to get professional help, or something? And does your gun seriously not fire bullets? That’s just stupid.

[THE VISION OF YOUR GRAPHIC AND GORY DEATH HAS MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. STATUS CHANGED TO UNSETTLED]

Quote:> Try to open the floor's trapdoor, preferably while not on it.

Yeah, something possibly productive might help take your mind off whatever that was. You drop down to your knees and examine the trapdoor. It might not be as trapish as other trap doors; it has a noticeable brass knob sticking out of it. Maybe more of a trap considering the knob is a tripping hazard. A trapish trip door? The wood of the door is worn and faded while also covered in the loose dirt, dust, and sawdust scattered around the rest of the floor. The knob is heavily smudged. You quickly rub it with your sleeve before grabbing it. With a quick turn and a tug you open the door outward to reveal another door beneath.

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