Hiccups (Text) - COMPLETED!

H- Hey! It is Free Ice-Cream day! Jerk's tryin'a rip you off!

>Yell loudly that you are armed with some massive hiccups of doom and that you will hiccup him to death if you have to.
When he doesn't believe you give a recap of the story so far while making everything a lot more dramatic and also giving him a stink eye.

You tell the vendor that you have deadly hiccups and will make the volcano erupt if need be, or rather you try to except it comes out as a long hiccup accompanied by a loud rumbling from the volcano.

"Man, that volcano's been making a lot of noise today," the vendor comments. "But it's not due to erupt for like, twenty years. Wonder what's up."

> Cheese it.

You decide to just run, but suddenly a wall of ice cream erupts in front of you. You turn around and see the vendor with an angry look on his face.

"I don't appreciate it when people don't pay," he says.

>Ask the gnome. Gnomes always have gold! or maybe that was leprechauns.

You decide to ask the gnome for gold to pay for the ice cream. Except you keep hiccuping, so you make a gesture that you hope he takes to mean "hey, can you give me some money?" and not "a thousand insults upon your ancestors".

The gnome simply stares at you, then he turns to the vendor.

Wait, isn't it Free Ice Cream day? As in Free?

"Now wait just a minute here," the gnome says indignantly. "Maybe my understandin' of human words isn't that great, but I seem to recall you sayin' it was Free Ice Cream Day just a few minutes ago. And then yer chargin' my friend here three dollars? Would ye care to explain that?"

"Well, uh... er... you see..." The vendor is clearly sweating. "That is... LOOK IT'S A UNICORN!"

You turn around and look, only to see the ice cream wall dissipate. When you turn around, the ice cream vendor is driving away.

H- Hey! It is Free Ice-Cream day! Jerk's tryin'a rip you off!

Wait a minute. Did he gain those ice cream wall-summoning powers from your divine blessing? And try to get three dollars to boot?

You're not letting him get away with that! Just as soon as you figure out how you're going to make sure he doesn't get away with that.

How are you going to do that?

Shake your fist angrily in his direction!

Drink water.

Call the police, duh

Drink water.

>Vendor: Be the Discount Ice Cream Man.

(Disclaimer: Discount Ice Cream Man was in no inspired by Vendor...okay, maybe a little. Subconciously, I swear!)

Shake your fist angrily in his direction!

You shake your fist angrily at the fleeing ice cream vendor, hoping this will accomplish something. Maybe you'll smite him with divine wrath or place a thousand curses on his descendants or whatever.

It doesn't seem to do a whole lot.

Drink water.

As you shake your fist, it occurs to you that drinking some water might help with your hiccups.

Suddenly, a massive wave of water runs through the streets, carrying the ice cream truck back towards you. Oh hey, that was convenient. You stop shaking your fist and look around for something to grab some of the water from while you think about what to do with this crooked ice cream vendor.

Call the police, duh

Oh, right. The police can totally deal with them... except you forgot your cell phone... and also you're still hiccuping.

Luckily, your mountain climber high priest had the same idea. In fact, he had it several minutes ago. The police arrive and find you, a mountain climber, a gnome, a bull, a gigantic cow from the depths of Hell, and an ice cream vendor drenched in water.

One of the officers gets out of his car and looks around at you and asks, "What the hell is going on here?"

You think you might have some trouble explaining things. What should you do?

Tell the truth: that you have the hiccups something fierce.

Offer them some free ice cream.

Tell the truth: that you have the hiccups something fierce.

You start to explain the problem that got you into this situation.

"*hic* *hic* *hic* *hic*"

...Oh, right. Well, on the bright side, they've probably figured out that you have the hiccups, right?

"Okay," the policeman says with a sigh. "Can someone who doesn't have the hiccups explain - *hic*"

Uh-oh. Suddenly, everyone starts hiccuping! Looks like this isn't just your problem any more. Well, okay, technically it hasn't been just your problem for a while, what with the stampede and the imminent eruption, but still.

You'd better do something about these hiccups... but what?

Offer them some free ice cream.

Of course! The ice cream vendor's truck is still here! Maybe if you give everyone ice cream, that will cure their hiccups! Okay, so it didn't work for you, but worst case, everyone gets ice cream. That's not so bad, right?

You gesture at the ice cream truck and climb inside. Everyone stands out front, waiting to be served.

Uh-oh. But there's a problem. How are you going to find out what flavors they want when they're all hiccuping?

Serve them all *hic* flavor!

Pantomime!

Serve them all *hic* flavor!

The mass of hiccups as everyone tries to request ice cream is really getting to you. You just shove the ice cream scoop into the hiccup-flavored ice cream and serve it all to everyone.

They suddenly start hiccupping even more. Wait a minute... could this ice cream somehow be the root cause of your chronic hiccups? But then how did it start affecting everyone else? And you, for that matter? You don't remember having any hiccup-flavored ice cream until a few minutes ago.

Pantomime!

You start pantomiming your thoughts that maybe the hiccup flavored ice cream holds a clue to this hiccup epidemic. Unfortunately, the mountain climber, gnome, Hell Cow, ice cream vendor, and police officer don't seem to be grasping it, and they also all seem to be mad at you for giving them hiccup-flavored ice cream. They all approach you angrily; this probably won't end well unless you do something quickly.

Oh, and that volcano is starting to get really loud. You've been hiccuping quite a bit, after all. You might want to stop it from erupting while you're at it?

Screw it. Burp.

Screw it. Burp.

Something rises up within you, from deep within the hiccups. You can feel it. It begs to be released.

You can't help yourself; all thoughts of the potential for a volcanic eruption and even your own safety become secondary. You can't hold this in any more.

"BUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPPP!"

As the burp escapes your mouth, you can feel the lava spewing out of the volcano, even as you hear the eruption. Your attackers have stopped, because now they're more concerned with their impending doom, but that still leaves the problem of the impending doom.

Or at least, it does until a wall of ice cream surrounds the volcano and holds back the flood of lava. The vendor sweats heavily to maintain it as he hiccups.

He turns his head back to you and give you a look that suggests he really needs some ice cream. Fast. And it had better not be hiccup-flavored.

Well, this conman is all that stands between the city and total destruction. You should probably feed him. But what flavor are you going to give him?

Choose wisely. The wrong flavor might make this situation even worse.

The flavor of the month.

The Mystery Flavor.

The flavor of the month.

The Mystery Flavor.

Glancing at the ice cream tubs, you notice one labeled "FLAVOR OF THE MONTH: MYSTERY FLAVOR". Well, that seems like it might work. Given the emergency going on, you just grab the tub and scoop the ice cream right into the vendor's mouth.

A few minutes later, there's a big mess of melted ice cream and cooled-down lava around the volcano. Looks like you did it! Everyone cheers, in between their constant hiccups.

But wait. Your new connection to the volcano tells you that something is wrong. Quickly, you rush towards it; everyone follows you, wondering what your hurry is.

As you approach the crater, a winged demon flies out and laughs. Your volcano-god senses tell you that this is Hiccuptor, the Demon of Hiccups, and he is responsible for the chronic hiccups that plague your existence.

You kind of wish they'd told you that sooner. But then Hiccuptor speaks.

"At last! I am free!" he cackles. "Now nothing can stop me from spreading the curse of permanent hiccups across this world!"

You hiccup angrily. Hiccuptor is ultimately responsible for all the suffering you've been through today. You have to stop him now, before this hiccup plague gets any worse!

So what's the plan?

"I bet you can't give yourself the hiccups!"

Hiccup a sigh of relief. You had thought they said "Hiccaptor", the hiccup raptor. Much more terrifying.

Feed him ice cream!

"I bet you can't give yourself the hiccups!"

Vaguely remembering something from a fairy tale, you try to dare Hiccuptor into doing something stupid. But it only comes out as hiccups.

Much to your surprise, he replies to what you intended to say.

"One, I'm not dumb enough to fall for an old trick like that. Two, it's not like it would actually harm me or anything. At worst they'd get annoying and I could make them stop just as easily. Watch."

He hiccups seventeen times in quick succession, then stops.

"You see, mortal? This is the power of Hiccuptor!"

Well, that didn't work. It's interesting to learn that he can understand what you're saying through your hiccups, though. Not that he's the best conversationalist...

Hiccup a sigh of relief. You had thought they said "Hiccaptor", the hiccup raptor. Much more terrifying.

You suddenly get an idea. You hiccup that you thought he had said he was Hiccaptor, the hiccup raptor, but if he's just Hicciptor the hiccup demon, well, that's not as frightening.

He leans in closely and smiles, revealing all his teeth. He's got a lot of them.

"Oh really?" he says.

You can only hiccup weakly in response.

Feed him ice cream!

Suddenly, you realize that you still have your ice cream scoop! And a tub of hiccup ice cream - wait, why did you drag this all the way up here again? Well, whatever. You take out your scoop, grab Hiccuptor (with the assistance of the mountain climber and the police officer, even though they have no idea what's going on), and shove the ice cream into his mouth.

He swallows it.

And then laughs.

"Foolish mortal!" he cackles. "Fueled by hiccup-flavored ice cream, I am more powerful than ever!"

He promptly doubles in size. You can feel your hiccups getting worse, too. This was not your best plan.

So what are you going to do now?

Challenge him to a hiccupontest. Whoever hiccups the most wins. If he starts to beat you, Feed/him/yourself the icecream to fuel your victory.

Wager, blah blah fate of the world, blah blah your servitude blah blah.

Surprise him.

BAKED ALASKA.