The 2am thread

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hhhhh I shouldn't be awake right now

Goodnight everfyone

I feel sort of emotionally raw for no apparent reason tonight and i have no idea why

On an unrelated note Ren and i spent a c=good hour or so looking for my pokewalker before we found it and i made a hurried 10pm trip to the mall to get a new battery for it. I've put a dunsparce named Sarsparilla in it and she's going to be my walking buddy! Hopefully thats a good motivator.

I had a dream last night about a guy i'm not friends with any more finding out that i was poly and being all "so :) Do you want a boyfriend :) :)" and even dream me was like seriously? No but its still kinda fucking me up? idk

i saw the nightmare on elm street movie where the nerd kid dreams about videogames and freddy kills him there and uses the power glove and says now youre playing with power! so i don't dream about videogerms anymore

I'm watching Jessica Jones and god, nearly every character is awful. I'm so bored of Hogarth she's the worst and i don't want all this focus on her

Anyway i feel like absolute garbage, what hey

rly glad i have this leftover pastie to eat

this will be my only 2am post today.

this was a pretty bad christmas.
I really wish I could off myself.

There, I said it. Feel free to drag me into a lunatic asylum to be confined for my own protection. Hand over the straitjacket.

I can't do this. The offing or the getting out. The ticket is set, I suppose. Still more than a month away. I don't think I can last a month.

I'm broken. Normal people aren't like this. They can take it. I'm weak. This is why I'm not allowed to eat. Eating is for good people. Strong people. I'm a bad person and I'm weak and I'm stupid. I have not performed up to standard.

Someone please kill me. I am a drain on the world. I am a burden, a weight, a loss.

What happens to people's steam accounts when they die? Can they pass their games on to an heir?

I have silly thoughts.

Food is for the good.

I deserve to hurt
I deserve to die
I deserve to disappear.

Thanks fer the game, Fogel

Dunno what I did to deserve it, but that's not how that whole thing works, so the answer is "nothing," but unironically

More correctly it feels more like I did things to un-deserve it? Namely my whole retreat from here and abandonment of (what felt and feel like) my duties and responsibilities and subsequent snowball into retreat from retreat and fear of fear, though I still hold fear is not quite the right word? Apprehensiveness? Dread?

You Know, That Thing ™

But that's nonsense, so here I am

Plausibly this could go in the Flippin' Shits thread but I've never felt comfortable talking about myself and my problems especially compared to other peoples'... real? bigger? more significant? problems. Which, also nonsense, but, y'know

'Cos, like, I'm not troubled by any of my problems and half of the things that are going on with me don't feel like problems or are mitigated by other factors that other people have problems with??? And ultimately it feels like... not smug, not boasting, not... not that, but that? Like I'm pretty private so none of yas really know what my deal is right now, esp. and partic. after I cut myself off by-and-large

So I'm not attending university anymore (enterprise unsustainable; four, six years spent and still with all my troubles getting any creative work done blocking progress in the whole game design degree thing, it was something that had to happen sooner or later and I'm lucky it was sooner) but I don't have a job (enterprise unattainable, not that I'm even goddamn looking, but the job app process is New and Foreign and if I have anxieties about nothing else it's having ("having") to do things well when I haven't the foggiest where to start) and I don't really. care? It's class privilege bullshit rearing its ugly head I'm sure but thinking about that fat nasty sack of trash doesn't do shit for me 'cos I can't (won't?) do shit for it, or whatever the fuck

But I know we're not rich and if I don't pick up my own damn slack interest'll pick up to a sizable chunk of other peoples' paychecks and I. don't comprehend that in any meaningful way? It's the Not Caring of someone who's never had to care about it before and hasn't learned to think about caring about it in an economical sense? Not the aggressive loathing kinda not-caring, just the apathetic kind, the worse kind 'cos there's not even enough energy in the not caring to care that I don't care, not really. I'm spoiled, probably? But the big-picture thinking only leads me deeper into the shallow puddle of self-loathing that I also don't really think or care that much about, most of the time, I think.

And meanwhile while all of my Socially Responsible life elements go nowhere I'm also doing jack shit creatively, in a tangible sense. I still got a knack for overarching schemes but my writing art and coding skills have atrophied from disuse

(shoutouts to Maxie for inviting me to LD, I dunno how much I helped but however much you think I did I'm sure I think it was less than that, even if I'm wrong)

and the exact same problems that kept me from getting shit more than half-finished in classes is keeping me from getting any shit more than half-started in my own free time

but I know a solution to that

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see you're not a real eagletimer (bar the ephemeral intangibility of Realness Cred) unless you have at least three abandoned adventures

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and as awful and terrible as this idea is

knowing I'll abandon it out of not-exactly-fear of responsibility and inadequate effort and all that

it's 2AM (give or take an hour) and that's the perfect time for awful ideas

So hell with it

here we go.

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NTA, I have had a lot of very similar anxieties to yours. Unfortunately, I don't have a lot in the way of applicable advice; what happened in my case is that I qualified for disability aid and now I have actual income. It's not a huge amount of money, but my expenses are low so I can afford to do things like toss gifts around every once in a while.

You got a gift from me because you are a person I enjoy talking to and generally doing things with. I didn't think anything particularly odd about your absence because other people have had similar ones.

I've even felt a little withdrawn at times myself. Usually this happens because I'm playing a game and getting really involved in playing it, but I make the mistake of not talking to anyone about it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Fortunately, this is the 2 AM thread so I don't have to be all that coherent.

NTA, you can feel free to talk to me any time. You can even feel free to start a conversation just stop talking if you don't know what else to say, because that's a thing with me too. I don't know if that's helpful, but I'm extending the offer for whatever it's worth.

It would probably be more in the spirit of this thread if I made these as multiple posts, but I guess that's not really how I do things.

(also, I got a lot of appreciative words from people after the gifting, and let me just say I'm glad for them. I wasn't expecting anything in return at all, but I got some kind words and even a couple of games from people afterwards. I'm really glad to know you all.)

I'm tired but i have a pizza in the oven so i'm compelled to stay up and eat it

i made it from scratch, including a trip into the garden with a torch for veges and handmaking the dough

this is contributing to me not just ditching it in the fridge for later