Hebrews 10:31

They'll be back just when it's narratively convenient, don't worry

Just Leave it to Beaver

Entry seventeen, March 3, 2015

They'll be back just when it's narratively convenient, don't worry

I don't know if it ever will be - considering how now my forces will probably fight against me now that I've lost my place as grand general of the BKTM food empire - and the Lumberjacks were against me to begin with. Does that mean they'll come back when it is most inconvenient?

Just Leave it to Beaver

One of the beavers has come back into existence. It is a hollow shell of what it used to be, and didn't even attempt to maul Voodoo Steve when it realized it was back, instead fleeing into the forests. I don't know what to leave to it.

Regardless, I've claimed the Portfolio of Strategic Lies. It's... not quite what I expected. I'm not sure how useful it might be, Minister Schazer, but then again I am not a professional liar like you so maybe I'm just missing things. I am currently within the heart of Lumber HQ, a sturdy fortress made out of logs, plaid, and ice now completely abandoned. It's a little eerie, to be honest.

All right, fine. Time to start drilling into the center of the earth. From there, you can move the entire planet away from the sun, freezing everyone to death.

Or you could STOP THE CORE'S ROTATION OH NO

Try using the Portfolio of Strategic Lies to lie your way back into power. Make sure that everybody knows that your army is back, stronger than ever and definitely not dead, and that they should probably all swear their loyalty to you again before you get really mad and decide to destroy them for their treachery.

Entry eighteen, March 4, 2015.

All right, fine. Time to start drilling into the center of the earth. From there, you can move the entire planet away from the sun, freezing everyone to death.

Or you could STOP THE CORE'S ROTATION OH NO

Both are admirable plans, though there is a solid chance that destroying the earth (or at the very least everything living on it) might ruin my plans for global domination and slash or attract the attention of superheroes.

I'd also need to acquire a very large drill. I suppose I could try to build one, but it would be very difficult only using DDR4 RAM (which I still haven't aquired much of anyways).

Try using the Portfolio of Strategic Lies to lie your way back into power. Make sure that everybody knows that your army is back, stronger than ever and definitely not dead, and that they should probably all swear their loyalty to you again before you get really mad and decide to destroy them for their treachery.

Again, I'm not a professional strategic liar so I'm assuming it's just difficult for me to understand and harness the Portfolio's full powers. It's still clearly and definitely a powerful relic regardless, and the simple knowledge that I now possess it has made the board nervous. BKTH is not fully convinced though - while some of the board believes my falsehoods the fact that most of that statement is not in fact lies (namely my army is not dead and I will destroy them for their treachery) has weakened the Portfolio's abilities. I still have to convince at least another third of the board members, but for now they've agreed to a truce to give me time to prove my claims.

Nail the board to a tree.

Sell the portfolio to a financial bureau on Wall Street. They live and breathe this stuff.

You have done well, now bring the Portfolio across the Pacific to your loyal and totally-not-treacherous Minister holed up in Japan.

ROADTRIP TIME

Beware! Dire portents mark the - what's this, a letter for me? Hmm. Hmm. Where was I? Oh right. Dire portents mark not heeding your loyal minister's advice. I give a not-made-up percent chance of everything going fine and dandy if you bring the Portfolio to Japan.

Entry nineteen, March 5, 2015.

Nail the board to a tree.

This has worked out - it proved that I am totally going to take them out if they betray me. However, it did show them that I do not in fact still have my army and combined with their newfound hatred of my brutal policies. Now, they're mostly still following me out of fear of my wrath while I'm still around. We'll need to come up with a way to keep them in line when I'm gone.

Sell the portfolio to a financial bureau on Wall Street. They live and breathe this stuff.

A fine idea, I already have many offers and attempts to steal the portfolio. However, this conflicts with the opinions of Vizier of Vaguery, Boring Old Books, and Lies Schazer and (I think) Minister of Battlemath Sai, whose specific positions do lend more credit in this argument (remember you are currently only Minister of Interior Decorating, which isn't much involved here). Can you get other voices behind you or argue your point?

You have done well, now bring the Portfolio across the Pacific to your loyal and totally-not-treacherous Minister holed up in Japan.

ROADTRIP TIME

I'll have to make it to the Pacific first, though that will likely not prove much of an issue. What is a problem is that I am classified as a class VIII Kaiju in Japan and will be assaulted by a number of themed mechs and Godzilla the instant I touch down. We'll need a way to sneak the portfolio through them, or some other plan.

Oh right, and due to you gaining position of Minister of Lies too, you have been promoted to Vizier. Congratulations, on top of your advice when it comes to your specific fields you also have more of a say in arguments in general. Forgot to bring that up.

Beware! Dire portents mark the - what's this, a letter for me? Hmm. Hmm. Where was I? Oh right. Dire portents mark not heeding your loyal minister's advice. I give a not-made-up percent chance of everything going fine and dandy if you bring the Portfolio to Japan.

I assume I should not be heeding minister Credit's advice? Also, do your spells mean like, me bringing it personally or just somehow getting the Portfolio there? Have they told you how I might best pull the exchange off given my status?

The Portfolio should let you bluff your way through to Guam, and make any explanation for why you're around the borders of its northern territories sufficiently convincing.

If you drop the Portfolio off in Okinawa, I'll be able to retrieve it in short order. However, your being discovered there would place suspicion, so I'll need a distraction if I'm going to retrieve it before anyone thinks to look there.

The plan: Dump the Portfolio in Okinawa, then forge straight on for Southern Japan, strafing the island nation. By the time you're close enough to Tokyo to start getting everyone riled up, I'll have the Portfolio and can arrange an honor guard to come out and escort you to the capital (I can play off of Japanese hospitality with the Portfolio's power, assuring them that alliance talks in the form of a Kaiju troop drop had totally been on the calendar for quite some time).

You get a squad of kaiju, I get the Portfolio, it's win-win for everyone.

That was the 666th view. Schazer can't be trusted! THE DEVIL IS WATCHING, PLEASE KEEP CONTAINMENT SECURE EVACUATE THE VICINITY HELL KEEP CALM

*decorates the Vizier of strategic lies with holy water, mixed with a lime garnish*

Schazer's up to something!

Am not!

Now how did the fact that you acted personally convince the board that your army wasn't there? You obviously delegated other enforcement tasks to your army. Why, they should be flattered that you considered them important enough to attend to personally.

Anyways, just find some disgruntled fast food employees, give them decent wages, and tell them to keep an eye on the board that was keeping their salaries down. No need to make this complicated.

Entry twenty, March 6, 2015.

The Portfolio should let you bluff your way through to Guam, and make any explanation for why you're around the borders of its northern territories sufficiently convincing.

If you drop the Portfolio off in Okinawa, I'll be able to retrieve it in short order. However, your being discovered there would place suspicion, so I'll need a distraction if I'm going to retrieve it before anyone thinks to look there.

The plan: Dump the Portfolio in Okinawa, then forge straight on for Southern Japan, strafing the island nation. By the time you're close enough to Tokyo to start getting everyone riled up, I'll have the Portfolio and can arrange an honor guard to come out and escort you to the capital (I can play off of Japanese hospitality with the Portfolio's power, assuring them that alliance talks in the form of a Kaiju troop drop had totally been on the calendar for quite some time).

You get a squad of kaiju, I get the Portfolio, it's win-win for everyone.

A solid plan, though it will take a few days to get to Japan (even demigods can't cross all of Canada and then the Pacific in a day). For now I'll begin the trek to BC.

That was the 666th view. Schazer can't be trusted! THE DEVIL IS WATCHING, PLEASE KEEP CONTAINMENT SECURE EVACUATE THE VICINITY HELL KEEP CALM

*decorates the Vizier of strategic lies with holy water, mixed with a lime garnish*

Schazer's up to something!

How dare you use holy water here, I thought it was clear that faith-based powers are capable of dealing grievous damage to me. That said.

Am not!

Could you confirm or deny the effect of holy water on you?

Now how did the fact that you acted personally convince the board that your army wasn't there? You obviously delegated other enforcement tasks to your army. Why, they should be flattered that you considered them important enough to attend to personally.

Anyways, just find some disgruntled fast food employees, give them decent wages, and tell them to keep an eye on the board that was keeping their salaries down. No need to make this complicated.

Of course, you're right. They just naturally assumed that I'd at least want to prove my army was still alive after bragging about it. Putting fast food employees in charge of watching them is a good idea since they'd find out my deception the instant they'd get a chance to look. A wonderful young man named Robert Pierre has been delegated the leader of the overwatch group and I'm sure he'll do a great job.

Now we only have one minor issue to deal with before I can begin operation get to Japan: LoL and DotA are still here, and now that I've come back and been re-declared god-CEO of BKTH they've started their attacks again. Of course there are still the D&D players causing problems all over the place as well (though they seem to be hampering the other factions as much as me).

Voodoo Steve has also warned me of an ominous rumbling, but I'm sure that's no big deal.

Damn it, what happened to the counterstrikes?

Just lure them all to Japan, let the kaiju take care of them.

Damn it, what happened to the counterstrikes?

Abandoning them was not a great idea. Most of them are dead, many others vanished with the rest of my army, and the remnants doubt my leadership and don't want to follow me out of here.

Just lure them all to Japan, let the kaiju take care of them.

A good idea, but the problem is that I have to find a way past them without losing what I have left.

Voodoo Steve is literally quaking and shouting out gibberish. The only thing I can make out is "he is the law" and "the law is not mocked".

Throw anime everywhere and run!

That was not holy water. I also put some vodka in it

*drinks the holy vodkatini*

I'm also going to drink some more because i'm not paid enough for this

*continously chugs vodkatini*

Entry twenty-two, March 8, 2015.

Throw anime everywhere and run!

The rest of the counterstrikes have fallen, or will fall soon if they haven't already. Using your plan we've successfully begun our escape glorious march west.

One minor problem.

The League of Lawyers apparently finished their lawsuit abomination and it has been sent after us. The hulking monstrosity made of the lawsuits (and their owners, it's pretty gross), dubbing itself Javert from the sheer power the LAW at its disposal, is now in hot pursuit of us.

That was not holy water. I also put some vodka in it

*drinks the holy vodkatini*

I'm also going to drink some more because i'm not paid enough for this

*continously chugs vodkatini*

Congratulations, you have been promoted to Vizier of Interior Decorating, Alcoholism, and Counter-Dark Arts. We'll need you in the future.

Okay okay okay.

We'll just need to build... another engine clock.

*wipes mouth*

Secure the nearest alcohol supply. And decorate the pub with ram stickers. That'll have them clamoring.

Entry twenty-three, March 9, 2015.

Okay okay okay.

We'll just need to build... another engine clock.

Alright, but I don't think I'll be able to get to a field what with the time I spent crafting the clock allowing Javert to close in on me.

*wipes mouth*

Secure the nearest alcohol supply. And decorate the pub with ram stickers. That'll have them clamoring.

Now I'm trapped in a bar. Thankfully the ram stickers are adding to my already significant powers and also act as a magical ward preventing Javert's entrance. He'll wear through their magic soon though.