Hebrews 10:31

This is good, now with multiple fast food chains under your command, you should have them start slipping mind-controlling drugs into their food, ordering the public to immediately leave home and join your army.

If that doesn't work, just try giving out free Tim Hortons gift cards to anybody who recruits. Either way, you should easily have all of Canada under your control within the next 24 hours or so.

You're going to need to summon

JOE HOCKEY

This is good, now with multiple fast food chains under your command, you should have them start slipping mind-controlling drugs into their food, ordering the public to immediately leave home and join your army.

If that doesn't work, just try giving out free Tim Hortons gift cards to anybody who recruits. Either way, you should easily have all of Canada under your control within the next 24 hours or so.

I've looked up mind control drugs and tried putting all of those listed into different products at different locations. Results have been... varied and interesting.

Only some of them worked as intended. I have been informed that the others have led to several (hundred) lawsuits I'm going to have to handle now. Tim Hortons gift cards have lessened the damage, but I still now risk drawing a large amount of attention to my plans and possibly even LoL*. Ram horns and godly powers are difficult to hide.

You're going to need to summon

JOE HOCKEY

I called up Joe and asked him if he could support me in my conquest of the world. Disappointingly, he immediately informed me that he is not in fact the patron saint of ice sports and was just a politician, but did ask if I was supportive of the idea of there being room for people worshipping God in any form in my upcoming tyrannical government. I told him that I am a god. He said that counts and has given me his full support.

*The League of Lawyers, though each one is a legend in their own right.

Entry nine, February 21, 2015.

Today was a good day for a break. At least, it should have been.

The lawsuits keep piling up, and some have been combined together by various individuals and groups to form super-lawsuits which I should probably get on top of (but what god needs to bother learning about law).

In addition, League of Legends has seen me mention their acronym and assumed that they were supposed to be after me. They have also began to attack now, in the only way they know how - in groups of five, all decked out with a small set of individual powers. Initially they did some decent damage to my fast food armies, as I couldn't assemble a decent five man team on my own with the Ghostbusters out of commision and them constantly 'ganking' or 'jungling' them. However, I quickly adapted, moving my forces out of forests and other places where I couldn't see them, and sending Hungry Jack in to destroy them one by one. We're now in a standoff, with me beating their individual groups but not having time to organize a counterattack by the time a new team comes. Obviously this is less than ideal, especially Jack is my greatest minion and I'd rather save him for when I really need him.

League of Legends players are notoriously easy to demoralize. Try hacking into their communications and yelling at your "teammates" for being noobs. The enemy team should quickly devolve into petty bickering and name-calling, after which point they will probably start intentionally feeding in a desperate attempt to escape the eternal hell that is playing LOL.

If that doesn't work, try drawing scary faces on some of the trees in the forest and attach a bomb to the back. As soon as the team groups up to defeat "Baron" activate the bomb and send them all straight to ELO hell.

Just sic the Counter-Strikes on 'em.

Or send a squad of Demographically Organized Tenacious Assassins after them. Specifically, the second squad.

Entry ten, February 22, 2015

League of Legends players are notoriously easy to demoralize. Try hacking into their communications and yelling at your "teammates" for being noobs. The enemy team should quickly devolve into petty bickering and name-calling, after which point they will probably start intentionally feeding in a desperate attempt to escape the eternal hell that is playing LOL.

If that doesn't work, try drawing scary faces on some of the trees in the forest and attach a bomb to the back. As soon as the team groups up to defeat "Baron" activate the bomb and send them all straight to ELO hell.

Excellent plans, and pulled off without a hitch. The first part had the unfortunate side effect of the teams actually doing real damage, since instead of wasting time trying to fight Hungry Jack in the trees most of them now just charge my lanes which are only manned by my army. Which you might remember was garbage, heavily damaged, and hasn't improved too much.

Second plan has worked to counter this though, as the promise of the Baron kill began slowly leading many of them back into the woods, where explosions and Jack quickly dealt with them. However, no ELO hell to send them to unfortunately - as they are real people and not video game sprites, we'll have to settle for regular hell.

Just sic the Counter-Strikes on 'em.

Counter-Strikes are desperate for a return to power after being degraded and lessened by more modern and quality shooting game fans, such as the mighty CoD, Halos, etc.

They would likely ally with us, but we would almost definitely incur the ire of at least some of these other shooters. Do we proceed?

Or send a squad of Demographically Organized Tenacious Assassins after them. Specifically, the second squad.

I did this. The DOTA has agreed to work for me, as long as I send them after enough monarchs, terrorist dictator leaders, and guys who expect assassins to give up after one attempt in between actual jobs. Unfortunately, much like before DotA has also shown up upon seeing their acronym and, seeing the battle between us and their hated enemy, have apparently assumed we're some new hero/mob/lane based team fighting game and now there's some bullshit three way battle going on.

Fortunately I have some slight advantage since I have numbers and the DotA and LoL players are stuck trying to figure out how to fight more than one enemy at a time.

So, bought time accomplished?

Ally with the Counter-Strike players and get their best programmers to produce a Counter-Strike themed competitor to the other games. If they think you're fighting them for market dominance, you may as well actually get the benefits of it.

As for the actual tactics, well, you did just hire a bunch of assassins. You should gather some intel so you can figure out who you can send them after for the most impact.

Turn the DotA and LoL players against each other. This is laughably easy.

Turn the DotA and LoL players against each other. This is laughably easy.

You say that, but while the hatred from the DotA community towards LoL is well known and widely documented, LoL players feel at worst apathy towards DotA. The charred bones of Rhuax of the Fire Below estimate a mere 14% chance of being able to get them to stop attacking us on account of infighting. We can improve this to just over a 70% success ratio by assisting DotA in the massacre of the League of Legends in exchange for peace, according to shells scorched in the name of Zhurong of the South. Better still, if we can co-opt the strongest of the Defenders of the Ancients to our side, we will be able to empower ourselves further while simultaneously making the remainder of the DotA faction easier to destroy.

Entry eleven, February 23, 2015

Ally with the Counter-Strike players and get their best programmers to produce a Counter-Strike themed competitor to the other games. If they think you're fighting them for market dominance, you may as well actually get the benefits of it.

As for the actual tactics, well, you did just hire a bunch of assassins. You should gather some intel so you can figure out who you can send them after for the most impact.

We've assigned the Counterstrikes on the programming mission, as suggested. It'll take a little while to produce a product that wouldn't basically just be a Counterstrike clone. I've put them all on it so hopefully there won't be too much wait. Do you have a suggestion regarding what sort of angle we should take? There are a lot of multiplayer based first person shooters all over the goddamn place after all.

I've put all of the guys who can't program (so like, very few) on the frontlines, but because of Canada's strict gun policy they only have their shitty starting weapons.

As for the DOTA, as already stated they are best at killing those opposed to democracy and order, as well as those who grow complacent after they've foiled a first attempt and don't expect a second.

I don't get how the former has anything to do with actual ability, and the latter means they lose a lot of members, but they usually get things done within at least five tries.

Turn the DotA and LoL players against each other. This is laughably easy.

Well they are technically already fighting each other. The issue is that they are also fighting us.

You say that, but while the hatred from the DotA community towards LoL is well known and widely documented, LoL players feel at worst apathy towards DotA. The charred bones of Rhuax of the Fire Below estimate a mere 14% chance of being able to get them to stop attacking us on account of infighting. We can improve this to just over a 70% success ratio by assisting DotA in the massacre of the League of Legends in exchange for peace, according to shells scorched in the name of Zhurong of the South. Better still, if we can co-opt the strongest of the Defenders of the Ancients to our side, we will be able to empower ourselves further while simultaneously making the remainder of the DotA faction easier to destroy.

I like the idea of recruiting some of the ancient defenders towards us, but do you have any suggestions? I have sent diplomatic overtures towards their organization as a whole, but currently they are still convinced that I am another knockoff of them which makes us just as contemptible as LoL.

On the bad news front, since it's now a three way fight going on both DotA and LoL have amended their rule and now we're seeing them marching ten by ten. They're screaming at each other about how the other stole their new rule change which means we're still not seeing more than five-six enemies at a time but still, it'll be an issue.

As well, the LoL (again, League of Lawyers) have gained interest in our drugged food lawsuits (again, putting various mind-altering substances in our food) since now a fifth or so of them have amalgamated together into some sort of horrible law-monster. Strangely, most of the people behind the creature have vanished upon consulting with the LoL. Could the rumours of their dark magical powers be true?

Yes. They are true. Take measures by countering with voodoo magic and/or holy water.

Alternative: Have the LoL players play with the DnD players. Yes, involving another 3-letter acronym with capital letters on each end can surely resolve at least ONE of your problems. No guarantee on it creating yet More problems.

Entry twelve, February 24, 2015

Yes. They are true. Take measures by countering with voodoo magic and/or holy water.

Alternative: Have the LoL players play with the DnD players. Yes, involving another 3-letter acronym with capital letters on each end can surely resolve at least ONE of your problems. No guarantee on it creating yet More problems.

Voodoo magic is beyond me (where would I get it you seem like you have some good contacts), but I did just take some stuff from a church including a bunch of holy water. I accidentally spilt some and it scalded me. I asked the priest I also stole and apparently my rightful claim as a god means I'm blaspheming and since it's legit all sorts of religious crap will hurt. He took this moment to dig out his rosary and now I'm hiding behind an alter. I might have downplayed things a little at the start of this paragraph. I stole the entire church, and thought it would be easy and didn't bring backup.

DnD players are notoriously fickle and prone to turning on each other. They already have, and now have split themselves into various factions. While some did ally with me, they're almost all chaotic something or other (usually evil for some reason) and have no issues sacrificing my actually loyal minions. Plus, the others are now either fighting for LoL, siding with DotA, or part of a new faction that isn't held back by arbitrary rules regarding how many soldiers they can send into battle at once (though LoL/DotA are taking them as hostile 'jungle' swarms, they're mostly just getting wiped out and proving an actual danger to Hungry Jack).

Redirect all forces at your disposal into routing the Lumber Corps and reclaiming the Portfolio. I promise this'll work a treat.

Signed,
Your Minister-to-be of Strategic Lies

there is a creepy lumberjack outpost in Sudbury. There you will find a Canadian version of Slenderman dressed in beaver pelts. If you find him, he will kindly offer you his voodoo powers if you can stand to look at his weird blank face and tentacles for long enough.

Spinjitsu.

Oh crap, wrong adventure.

OR IS IT THE RIGHT ONE

Entry twelve, February 24, 2015

Redirect all forces at your disposal into routing the Lumber Corps and reclaiming the Portfolio. I promise this'll work a treat.

Signed,
Your Minister-to-be of Strategic Lies

Alright, we'll give this novel idea a try. As LoL and DotA continue to fight, our retreat was more or less fully successful, though it did involve giving up our strategic defences.

The Lumber Corps will not be a simple force to rout though - unlike Canada's actual military they are a fearsome fighting force. Their members are chosen at birth - only the hairiest babies with already chiseled jaws are chosen. From there they train in the ancient arts of axing, plaid, log-riding, and rousing shanties. What's more, they know the Canadian wastes and are the only ones capable of surviving the harsh Canadian winters - with no small help from one of my many archnemises, the North Wind.

I'm still trapped in this church, so if Minister Agen's plan doesn't work we'll need a proper plan to defeat them without ludicrously heavy losses.

there is a creepy lumberjack outpost in Sudbury. There you will find a Canadian version of Slenderman dressed in beaver pelts. If you find him, he will kindly offer you his voodoo powers if you can stand to look at his weird blank face and tentacles for long enough.

I lost 43 loyal consumers before one could finally live long enough to gain Canadian Slenderman's powers. Unfortunately, they're the only one with the said voodoo powers (since they're the one that survived), which means that he is no longer as disposable as I'd like a minion to be.

Spinjitsu.

Oh crap, wrong adventure.

OR IS IT THE RIGHT ONE

Of course! I knew the ancient art would help me one day. My quick moves will surely repel any holy magics before they can reach my most godly self.

QE: Oh god me the priest knows Spinjitsu too what the shit do I do.

consolidate all the ugliest forces you have and facially direct them to the enemy. Only one glance is enough.

Entry fourteen, February 27, 2015

I'm sorry, I lost a day and you are probably all concerned with what happened. Drained by holy magic and the superior Spinjitsu of some random goddamn priest, I barely made it out of that church in one piece. I should make a mental note to not enter any other places of worship.

consolidate all the ugliest forces you have and facially direct them to the enemy. Only one glance is enough.

I wasn't sure what we'd do with this, but the Medusa Engine is complete. It is truly a horrifying creation. Much of the Lumber Corps was in fact turned to stone before our ugliest began to grow bored and took side glances at each other, turning themselves to stone and crippling our offensive. Now the enemy is charging our ranks on their deadly war beavers. I'm not worried about my own survival as much as I am Voodoo Steve's, who is currently our only possible counter to the LoL but is still about as good in a fight as most of my other minions (who, I remind you, are trash one and all).

You're going to need to build an engine clock

Entry fifteen, February 28, 2015

You're going to need to build an engine clock

Okay I've done it - it looks like this:



It is... not doing anything of note. Lumberjacks cut through my forces and giant wood-loving rodents break through my lines, all while I've been toiling at making... this thing. Am I supposed to spin it? Twist it? Pull on it? Bop it?

You're supposed to fuel it with an aurumancer and the minds of the freshly dead.

Just leave it in a nice meadow somewhere with a handwritten note, and things will sort themselves out.

Entry sixteen, March 2, 2015

I apologize for not getting in touch with you all yesterday, I had to personally fend off a Lumber Assault and then left immediately to find the suggested aurumancer (while I do have control of all Palamedeses and thus could get to Libertaria, it was still a long and difficult way from Lurkopolis). It certainly didn't help that that land had no reliable internet access.

You're supposed to fuel it with an aurumancer and the minds of the freshly dead.

An easy task, the aurumancer is dead and my many slain minions fighting the Lumber Corps made suitable sacrifices.

Just leave it in a nice meadow somewhere with a handwritten note, and things will sort themselves out.

This was also fairly easy - there were no nice meadows near Lumber HQ, so I had to go a bit south for a while. When I returned... it was as you said. They were gone. They were all gone. My army, the Lumber Corps and their magnificent steeds, all of them. Only Hungry Jack, the absent and recovering Ghostbusters, and Voodoo Steve remain (which at least proves his powers are of sufficient quality even if he's still terrible).

What terrible magic have you wrought? What have I awakened?

Regardless, the Portfolio lies ahead, presumably unguarded.

I've also contacted Burger King/Tim Hortons Headquarters for reinforcements, but they've told me that as I now lack their army I no longer have de-facto control over the franchises. Presumably they have returned to being an enemy.