Hebrews 10:31

Entry the first, February 13

I suppose before all of this starts, you must be wondering what the heck is going on. Why are you reading this, why does it matter? I'll tell you - this matters because, if all goes according to plan, this will be the start of the events that will lead to your future.

You see, many years ago, a child was born. This birth was like no other, however. It was heralded by great omens, much like Alexander the Great or any other hotshot with something to prove. As the first symbol of the mighty zodiac rose into prominence, seven bald eagles simultaneously grew a luscious head of hair without use on any product, while in the frigid north the Moose King bellowed at a full Canadian moon. The time had come, the time that had been prophesied for aeons.

The coming of the double ram.

The coming of me, Palamedes.

For twenty four years I've stewed in the furthest reaches of Canada, waiting for my power to be at its fullest. Twice now I've already been thwarted, the first having been far too young to even know of my might and the second having been too young to know how to use it properly, stopped from destroying the city of Toronto by the combined forces of Spock, vampire hunter Charles Gunn, and the Green Power Ranger (all of whom I had considered not real until the event).

Now however I am ready. The world knows it. A year ago the North Wind thought to stop me with a powerful polar vortex, but as you all know it was too late to kill me with such feeble attempts then and it has done nothing except to strengthen my resolve and desire for revenge. This world will be mine, and my age-old foes will crumble before me should they stand in my way.

Soon I will become all powerful.

Soon I will be invincible.

--------------------

Now, with all of my coming powers you might be wondering why I have come here, to Eagle Time, and revealed it all. You see, despite my incredibleness, I still retain my traits as a ram. On one side of my ramness I require well laid out plans and lack the drive to take centre stage, even though it is my inherent right. On the other, this is problematically compounded by an impulsiveness, lack of discipline, and inability to see things through. Also something about arrogance, but I'm way too great for that.

So to make up for my very minor shortcomings I turn to you. I am sure I can trust you all as stalwart allies from here on out (assuming you want positions of glory in my new Earth as opposed to being deemed traitors to your new overlord), and require your assistance in planning out my steps from here.

This log will serve as both a historical document for future generations a way to gain your support and suggestions as to how best conquer this feeble earth. In less than a week Chinese new years will dawn and I will gain full use of my powers, building up to the height of my power from March 21st to April 20th. I must spend these few remaining days to prepare for my inevitable rise as I have not done so at all before now (as if I'd need it but still).

So, how should I begin?

You're going to want an army. Sure, you could subjugate entire nations by yourself, but that's way too much work. Plus, if you have minions, you get to yell at them!

You will hire me as Interior Decorator. And I will decorate the world with money. And lava. And posters of Rams. This will inevitably stimulate commerce in all markets. And everyone will purchase your posters with money THAT I GAVE THEM SO THERE'S NO EXCUSE NOT TO BUY THEM. Non-compliance will be punctuated with occasional clouds of lava-rain and devastation.

Well you're in luck Pala, because I personally have absolutely no morals whatsoever and would happily sell out the rest of the human race for virtually any amount of glory/money/power.

The first you're going to want to do is book a flight to St. Louis. Once there, you can convince the local Rams to rally behind you and support your cause. Their assistance will be invaluable in the upcoming war. Besides, it's not like they're busy doing anything important for the next few months anyways.

*fistbumps my ram bro*

You should consult your I Ching, make sure you haven't got your dates wrong.

uh...

DDR4 RAM. you're going to want to build everything out of it.

I've always considered you a PAL-amedes, so you have my full support. As a skilled fortune teller, I will use my set of 甲骨 to determine the fortunes of whichever host you choose to send into battle, and as a statistician I will empirically analyze the results to provide you with the precise chances of success. Consider me your personal battle forecaster.

I've always considered you a PAL-amedes, so you have my full support. As a skilled fortune teller, I will use my set of 甲骨 to determine the fortunes of whichever host you choose to send into battle, and as a statistician I will empirically analyze the results to provide you with the precise chances of success. Consider me your personal battle forecaster.

Check out this nerd, more like SNORE-caster

Rams Rams Rams

If you're going to follow Fogel's (time-saving!) advice of building up an army, you'll probably also need to put together an arsenal as well. Where's the nearest military supply depot?

Entry the second, February 14

Thank you for these exceptional first ideas.

You're going to want an army. Sure, you could subjugate entire nations by yourself, but that's way too much work. Plus, if you have minions, you get to yell at them!

Too true. I had put off acquiring one as it would draw too much attention to myself, but perhaps now is a good time to start. You have been promoted to Minister of Recruiting of the new regime Fogel, congratulations. I will value and listen to your opinions on these matters slightly more than the others.

We do have a problem of where to recruit from though. In these frozen recesses there is not much of a pool to draw from. The North Wind has made sure of this fact. Generic population centres might seem like a better place, but I do risk drawing attention to myself while still vulnerable.

You will hire me as Interior Decorator. And I will decorate the world with money. And lava. And posters of Rams. This will inevitably stimulate commerce in all markets. And everyone will purchase your posters with money THAT I GAVE THEM SO THERE'S NO EXCUSE NOT TO BUY THEM. Non-compliance will be punctuated with occasional clouds of lava-rain and devastation.

You are hired, Minister of Interior Decorating Credit. Congratulations. Lava would certainly be a nice change from all of this fucking snow, and ram posters would be pretty great. How would you (or others) suggest I begin acquiring all of these and setting them up, especially in the middle of Minister Fogel's recruitment drive?

Well you're in luck Pala, because I personally have absolutely no morals whatsoever and would happily sell out the rest of the human race for virtually any amount of glory/money/power.

The first you're going to want to do is book a flight to St. Louis. Once there, you can convince the local Rams to rally behind you and support your cause. Their assistance will be invaluable in the upcoming war. Besides, it's not like they're busy doing anything important for the next few months anyways.

Congratulations, Minister of Low Morality and Treachery Coldblooded. I'm sure this promotion won't come back to haunt me in the slightest. Your suggestion of recruiting the St. Louis Rams to the cause fits in very well with our plans to recruit an army, especially given how Jeff Fisher has other valuable links to various other animals. I am worried about their currently low standings in NFC West, they will probably need some extra training especially if the rest of the league stands against us.

*fistbumps my ram bro*

You should consult your I Ching, make sure you haven't got your dates wrong.

You have been appointed Minister of Vaguery and Boring Old Books Schazer. I am sure things are fine, it's not like a stubbornness to do any more than a quick search as to the specific dates of when I am at the pinnacle of my power and when I am not will be a problem in the future.

uh...

DDR4 RAM. you're going to want to build everything out of it.

An excellent suggestion, Minister of Construction AgentBlue. Of course, I will need to find a reliable source of them for building before we can do much work, but I trust you and others already are drafting up designs for our glorious DDR4 structures and powerful DDR4 war machines.

I've always considered you a PAL-amedes, so you have my full support. As a skilled fortune teller, I will use my set of 甲骨 to determine the fortunes of whichever host you choose to send into battle, and as a statistician I will empirically analyze the results to provide you with the precise chances of success. Consider me your personal battle forecaster.

Excellent, Minister of Battlemath Sai. Your statistical magic will be required in the future. However, I am concerned by rumours that you might in fact be a SNOREcaster as well. Is this true, and if so how might this new source of power affect my campaign?

Rams Rams Rams

If you're going to follow Fogel's (time-saving!) advice of building up an army, you'll probably also need to put together an arsenal as well. Where's the nearest military supply depot?

Right. There are several options, Minister of Weaponry Mirdini. Here we have several options. There are a handful of CFS stations here and there, along with some place ominously called 'Supply Depot'. We could also raid the many military museums and the like. Alternately, there is the seat of the Moose King, Moose Factory, which relentlessly pumps out his legion of soldiers and the arms necessary for them. While we can safely consider the Canadian Army an enemy (albeit a joke of one), the Moose King's allegiance is unknown. The former Moose King was a supporter of the cause, but last I heard he has grown old and sickly, and many others now jockey for his position.

So, now that we have these grand designs, we must decide what to do next. Should we begin the recruitment drive locally, or look to bring the St. Louis Rams into the fold? Should we look for allies elsewhere? Do we instead begin focusing on gathering arms or this DDR4 for building? Or perhaps there are still other ideas that should be brought to the fold before I move, and more subtle preparations to be made?

I've always considered you a PAL-amedes, so you have my full support. As a skilled fortune teller, I will use my set of 甲骨 to determine the fortunes of whichever host you choose to send into battle, and as a statistician I will empirically analyze the results to provide you with the precise chances of success. Consider me your personal battle forecaster.

Excellent, Minister of Battlemath Sai. Your statistical magic will be required in the future. However, I am concerned by rumours that you might in fact be a SNOREcaster as well. Is this true, and if so how might this new source of power affect my campaign?

Slanderous libel, we need not concern ourselves with it.

You should recruit some people locally, but in the morning. Like, it's morning time and they're all tired and stuff, but then you offer them free coffee and are all like 'yo. I brewed this myself for you guys just join my army' and then they will and your new slogan will be 'He Brews' and everybody will want to join you this is ingenious trust me.

Entry the third, February 15.

Slanderous libel, we need not concern ourselves with it.

Excellent, excellent.

On a completely separate note, Minister Schazer, how am I to respond to allegations that you are a slanderous liar?

You should recruit some people locally, but in the morning. Like, it's morning time and they're all tired and stuff, but then you offer them free coffee and are all like 'yo. I brewed this myself for you guys just join my army' and then they will and your new slogan will be 'He Brews' and everybody will want to join you this is ingenious trust me.

So I did this, as you suggestion Minister of Covert Operations Kiven. Things are... not stellar, as I write this. I have successfully recruited a small army of coffee drinkers to my cause, though they are primarily made up of the perpetually tired and hipsters pretending to write the next big screenplay. Not stellar troops for the beginnings of what will be my great army, but that is not the problem.

I may or may not have, in creating the hit new coffee sensation have broken the balance of power between the two established morning beverage behemoths here, and in doing so drawn both of their ires. Good news is that at the very least they do not know my true purpose and identity.

Bad news is that Starbucks and Tim Hortons have declared war on me and everything I stand for. Another set of foes to add to the list I suppose.

Currently me an my followers are trapped within the previously abandoned 'coffee warehouse' I set up for the first He Brews™ franchise ever. Soccer moms raid our already stretched and weakened supply lines while the Starbucks barista corps conduct hourly assaults on the walls. It has been hours since our last respite against the barrage of their coffee war machines. While they'd certainly be no issue against me at my full strength, I still have four or so days until then and I'm not sure how much longer I'll last.

You may respond by conferring upon me the additional Portfolio of Strategic Lies. If you'd been planning to take over the world with open-palmed sincerity, you'd just go and knock on the World Government's door and ask for it.

You should switch to tea.

Ok, so Starbucks is easy to take on - they sell overpriced beverages marketed as an item of convenience and status. If you attack their appearance, they will be forced to withdraw to finance their marketing and brand reinforcement campaigns. Send the smelliest of your minions to Starbucks, and ensure that they loiter while displaying their drinks in public places. Give empty Starbucks cups to the homeless. I will be able to conduct the pyromantic rituals to determine your success rate in around seven hours.

Tim Hortons is a cultural icon with near universal appeal. I suggest engaging them diplomatically.

Entry the fourth, February 16.

You may respond by conferring upon me the additional Portfolio of Strategic Lies. If you'd been planning to take over the world with open-palmed sincerity, you'd just go and knock on the World Government's door and ask for it.

Oh god hunting down the Portfolio is going to take an entire other quest I can't deal with that while still engaged in coffee warfare. Regardless, these are excellent points. World Government isn't going to play nice when it's on the ropes, why should I? I've tasked one of my minions to find the ancient artifact of deceit so hopefully by the end of this we'll know where to look.

You should switch to tea.

I'll admit I wasn't too sure about this, since again both franchises serve tea as well as coffee. Regardless, I did as you suggested and it turned out to be the perfect maneuver. Apparently in their rush to surround us, bot Tim Hortons and Starbucks had forgotten to offer the option along their siege lines, drawing even more customers to us. They retreated to restock, which gave us the chance to counterattack.

Ok, so Starbucks is easy to take on - they sell overpriced beverages marketed as an item of convenience and status. If you attack their appearance, they will be forced to withdraw to finance their marketing and brand reinforcement campaigns. Send the smelliest of your minions to Starbucks, and ensure that they loiter while displaying their drinks in public places. Give empty Starbucks cups to the homeless. I will be able to conduct the pyromantic rituals to determine your success rate in around seven hours.

Tim Hortons is a cultural icon with near universal appeal. I suggest engaging them diplomatically.

No time to wait for your report, Minister Sai. We had to take the window given by Minister AgentBlue's plan to strike. I'm pleased to say that I myself led the daring raid on the now confused Starbucks line, capturing many an empty cup and distributing them amongst the dirtiest and smelliest I could find, and sent them to every Starbucks location nearby. They were all neutralized fairly efficiently by the chain's defences, but not before the damage was done. Starbucks' forces are in a full rout.

Unfortunately, because the minions I recruited are garbage our coffee warehouse was overrun while I led the attack. I can already smell the bitter smell of timbits and stale doughnuts as they are now shipped into what was once our proud (and only) location. However, even with this loss Tim Hortons is interested in negotiating. With their impromptu ally and bitter rival now heavily weakened and He Brews™ fast becoming a distant memory they'd rather press their advantage than risk falling victim to more of my clever schemes. Should we accept this white peace and move on to new objectives, or should we try and press demands and continue to attack if they're not met (or maybe just attack anyways)?

Well, invoking the rule that Lies Are One Tenth Of The Possession and ergo invoking my One-Tenths Official title of Minister of Strategic Lies, I recommend entering negotiations with Tim Hortons, and coercing a portion of your fighting force to hit them as soon as the prospect of peace makes them complacent.

You can then blame the attack on a splinter group with which you have no affiliation since Arbitrary Event, making your foes look even more complacent because you can't seem to keep your forces in a cohesive unit.

Or you could enter negotiations and then challenge the Tim Hortons leader to a duel of some sort. Then give him the ol' razzle dazzle. Or claim it was a shitty publicity stunt and just pin the whole 'He Brews™' thing on him and rally what remains of Starbucks to your side. The anti-Tim Hortons side that is.

Entry five, February 17.

Well, invoking the rule that Lies Are One Tenth Of The Possession and ergo invoking my One-Tenths Official title of Minister of Strategic Lies, I recommend entering negotiations with Tim Hortons, and coercing a portion of your fighting force to hit them as soon as the prospect of peace makes them complacent.

You can then blame the attack on a splinter group with which you have no affiliation since Arbitrary Event, making your foes look even more complacent because you can't seem to keep your forces in a cohesive unit.

This was a good suggestion Minister. Fortunately they were already complacent in their belief we'd settle for peace, and I had the tired strike them. Despite my ability to come up with decent reasoning for the split, as a Canadian chain they were too polite to question the validity of Arbitrary Event, especially after I said it was mentioned on a CBC newscast. They nervously agreed that they had totally seen it and think it was even mentioned on all of that other Canadian programming that people definitely don't ignore for more exciting fare.

Things continued until they were complacent again, until the hipsters, angry that they weren't chosen to be the splinter group despite the fact that they rebelled against Tim Hortons and Starbucks first also launched a splinter assault. Which was far more difficult to explain away.

Or you could enter negotiations and then challenge the Tim Hortons leader to a duel of some sort. Then give him the ol' razzle dazzle. Or claim it was a shitty publicity stunt and just pin the whole 'He Brews™' thing on him and rally what remains of Starbucks to your side. The anti-Tim Hortons side that is.

So I followed your advice Minister Kiven. Fortunately, Canadians are known for their honourable warrior spirits (especially when spelled with a u as it should be) and accepted. It probably didn't hurt that their forces were distracted by two splinter attacks.

Wait a minute.

Is that their leader?

Holy crap that is the actual ghost of Miles Gilbert Horton*.

Help guys I didn't think they had a ghost. How do you even fight a ghost?

*It is worth mentioning that all hockey players are Canadian werewolves and so this is an extra big deal.

This sounds like a job for the Minister of Low Morality and Treachery if there ever was one. The first thing you need to do is call your local Ghostbusters. Their business isn't doing too well right now, so they should be there in just a few minutes.

Buying time until they get there should be pretty easy though. All you need to do is force Mr. Horton to make a penalty, and then the ghost refs will just force him to go sit in a box for a couple minutes.

As soon as the Ghostbusters make it there, they'll capture your opponent for you and you'll just win by default. The very best kind of victory.

Entry 6, February 18

This sounds like a job for the Minister of Low Morality and Treachery if there ever was one. The first thing you need to do is call your local Ghostbusters. Their business isn't doing too well right now, so they should be there in just a few minutes.

Buying time until they get there should be pretty easy though. All you need to do is force Mr. Horton to make a penalty, and then the ghost refs will just force him to go sit in a box for a couple minutes.

As soon as the Ghostbusters make it there, they'll capture your opponent for you and you'll just win by default. The very best kind of victory.

Right, so I stood by a wall and let Tim smash me into it several times. Eventually he got a checking penalty of some sort, but oh my god did it hurt like hell. Penalties don't last very long though so I had to take said beating several dozen more times. It was... unpleasant.

The Ghostbusters appeared an hour or so ago (at great cost mind you, New York isn't exactly close). Things were going great until suddenly this fucker came out of nowhere just as we had all but busted Tim:



Apparently the two chains fused together a little while back and now I'm getting tag teamed by a hockey ghost and fast food regent. The ghostbusters are currently buying time getting their asses handed to them while I prepare a new counter strategy. I'm so close to my reign of terror glory, I can't die here!

Alright, time for Plan B. I'll try to go get Tim's ex-girlfriend Wendy on the line. With any luck, Burger King will get jealous and start arguing with the hockey ghost, giving you and the Ghostbusters a perfect chance to do a sneak attack.

Wendy's headquarters are located right here in Columbus, so I doubt that I'll encounter any problems if I just walk straight through the front door and ask to speak with their CEO. She's probably not that busy right now anyway.

You need to summon...

HUNGRY JACK

Entry seven, February 19, 2015

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

IT IS TIME.

I have now ascended. While I am still not totally unstoppable (I only get a one month window for that, as already stated) I am properly invincible and have full access to my range of powers. However, I thank you for your more mortally-necessary advice as it definitely helped me to buy the time building up to my glory.

Alright, time for Plan B. I'll try to go get Tim's ex-girlfriend Wendy on the line. With any luck, Burger King will get jealous and start arguing with the hockey ghost, giving you and the Ghostbusters a perfect chance to do a sneak attack.

Wendy's headquarters are located right here in Columbus, so I doubt that I'll encounter any problems if I just walk straight through the front door and ask to speak with their CEO. She's probably not that busy right now anyway.

Your help was invaluable. Wendy showed up just in time, followed by the older abandoned Wendy looking to outdo the lady who replaced her hoping to show that she's still better at doing what the corporation bearing her name needs done.

Tim Horton and the Burger King were both busy distracted and the sneak attack went off without a hitch (made even more effective by the fact that the Wendys (Wendii?) got all competitive and jumped in). On the negative side of things, Tim's legions jumped in because it became very clear that I broke every single rule of our honourable duel. Tim even called in the Toronto Maple Leafs as backup (all of them, ever). Still, things were going well until disaster struck:

You need to summon...

HUNGRY JACK

Hungry Jack is a peon of Burger King WHY WOULD YOU ADVISE THIS WHY. Even with two Wendys, all of the still conscious Ghostbusters and my (admittingly shitty) legions the addition of Hungry Jack to Burger King's posse made him vastly more powerful than we could handle (of important note: Whopper is also the name of the Burger King's signature finishing move).

Thankfully I thought of a plan of my own: Sacrifice both Wendys, the Ghostbusters, and my remaining minor forces so I could hide and gain my strength. The clock struck midnight just as Tim Hortons was freed from the penalty box after his decapitation of original Wendy and my army was routed, but it was too late. Two proud, curved horns spouted from my head and my hair became thicker, more lustrous and... wooly. Tim was the first to fall, as I grasped his hand and made him trip me, allowing me a free penalty shot which I used to punch him back into the afterlife. Burger King put up a greater fight, and we dueled from sunrise to set, each of my building-shattering blows countered by his Wendy destroying punch. Eventually, however he fell, and with his death Hungry Jack was forced to bend the knee.

While this victory was monumental, the Ghostbusters are all but destroyed and will need months, if not longer, to rebuild their strength alone, my army is in tatters, and Wendy, badly wounded, has vowed to get revenge for what she views was a 'trap'. On the plus side, there is now only one Wendy, I now have the armies of Burger King AND Tim Hortons under my command, and Hungry Jack will prove to be a most useful agent. All of that, and I haven't even fully used all of my abilities.

So, with that business concluded I now have the makings of a fine legion (from worthless like my coffee drinkers to actually useful like the Ghostbusters and Hungry Jack), but my duel with the Burger King has showed me that at my current power level I am not quite ready to simply brute-force World Government and the Food Court. We will need more allies and tools, and more cunning plans from my trusted advisers.

That crony I sent out to find the Portfolio of Stragic Lies has come back reporting success - the artifact is apparently hidden by the Lumber Corps in Northern Canada, who claimed it from Rob Ford, Mayor Priest of Strategic Lies who abandoned their cause for the position of High Crackhead of Bad Lies (strangely enough he seems to have made up the position and isn't actually working for anyone now).

Alternately, we could now look to arm our forces, or recruit even more, or perhaps learn more of what exactly I have and will be dealing with.