ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Look impatiently at your watch and huff passive aggressively

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Knock everyone behind you unconscious!

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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Open the package, duh.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Purchase Impact. YOY NEED MOAR IMPACT.

> Plug your ears/ whatever you use to smell, then run home to get the package, get to an airlock, and throw it out into space.
>> If this doesn't work, rack your brain for something that'll render the package unreadable THAT DOESN'T INSTALL IT. Like open in the package, and doing the [data storage medium the software's stored in] equivalent of just scratching up the disk. You have four arms, a completely stupid and insipid society in peril, and so (ahem) THIS. IS. SERWIOUS.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Have the package hold your place in line while you run off and hide.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Look impatiently at your watch and huff passive aggressively

An idea strikes you. Perhaps if you seem to be in a hurry, you can convince people to let you move ahead in the line. You look down at your wrist chronometer and...

Oh, drat! You left your wrist chronometer at home! Well, this plan is clearly a failure. Now what are you going to do?

Knock everyone behind you unconscious!

Another idea strikes you! How fortuitous you are with ideas today. You can hold your place in line if nobody behind you is conscious enough to take it. You start punching the inferiors behind you again until they are knocked out. This takes twelve minute-cycles, but it will be worth it to hold your place in line.

> Plug your ears/ whatever you use to smell, then run home to get the package, get to an airlock, and throw it out into space.

A third idea strikes you! You wonder if perhaps you have developed some sort of rapid idea-forming disease, but you will have to consult a medical professional later. Right now, you must act to save your entire civilization.

Having secured your place in line, you quickly cover your ears to block the hideous smell, then rush home and grab the package with your other two arms. The simplest way to dispose of it is to throw it out the airlock, so you rush for the nearest one, knowing minute-cycles are a precious commodity...

What. What is this.

Why on planet-ship is there a lineup outside the airlock?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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There's a lot of packages to throw out into space, dude.

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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> Turns out that everyone's got a package identical to yours, and they're all trying to dispose of it.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> The best way is to ask.

>> If they're carrying copies of the software... welp, your only hope is that the line moves quickly, as there'll be no point throwing them out if there's one left.

>>> Also, with the general attitude around here, odds are there was a package delivered right outside the reach of anything but the sensor. Heck, it's probably labeled and designed for a package to be there for some asinine reason. : P

>> Is damaging the program's "disk" to unreadability an option?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Just throw the package over everyone and into the airlock once it opens.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Try to turn the line into a conga line, then quickly throw the package out into the airlock when you get close to it

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Turns out that everyone's got a package identical to yours, and they're all trying to dispose of it.

There's a lot of packages to throw out into space, dude.

On closer inspection, it turns out this is a lineup of people with similar hazardous packages. Just how many of you were sent copies of this game? And for that matter, who sent them?

Regardless, you need to dispose of it before the scanner activates. You have seven-minute cycles remaining. You need to act fast. You'll never get to Oregon if your entire civilization is destroyed!

> Just throw the package over everyone and into the airlock once it opens.

You can't actually see the airlock from here. This is a really long line. And if you threw it ahead blindly, you could be reprimanded for violence against a superior!

Try to turn the line into a conga line, then quickly throw the package out into the airlock when you get close to it

You don't have much time left. You grab the four-armed three-legged lizardperson in front of you and shout "CONGA!", the ancient tribal word meaning something nobody remembers any more.

In under three minute-cycles, thousands of you have all formed a single conga line. When you get the chance, you toss your package into the airlock, along with the thousands of other packages the rest of the line threw in when they had the chance. Phew, good to know that's taken care of.

"WARNING: EXCESS MATERIAL IN AIRLOCK. THE OUTER DOOR HAS BEEN SEALED FOR YOUR SAFETY. ALL OBJECTS IN THE AIRLOCK WILL BE SCANNED AND INSTALLED FOR BACKUP BEFORE EJECTION."

Arrgh! There's that stupid foresight again! You always said that foresight would eventually be the end of your people! Now what are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> ...Is there ANY WAY the authorities can have the airlock NOT scanned? There has to be some sort of override for this occasion...
> Ship: Already have a copy of SBURB on file for some reason. It's installation is on a timer...

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Pound on the airlock and whine.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Get in the airlock and punch open the exit door. Take one for the team.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Get in the airlock and punch open the exit door. Take one for the team.

This is the time for action. It may mean your death, and you'll never get back to your place in line for that space helmet, but you're getting that airlock open.

You pull back your lower-right arm and punch with all your strength!

OW OW OW OW

It turns out that airlock doors are made of very strong material so that people don't just punch them open. There's that damn foresight again!

Pound on the airlock and whine.

Brute strength has failed you, so you resort to begging. You just pound on the door weakly and whine, hoping that maybe it will take pity on you and open.

"Citizen, what exactly are you doing?"

Oh. You seem to have drawn the attention of an airlock technician. You notice that he has a space helmet on already. Lucky jerk! He pulls up the visor so he can hear you better.

> ...Is there ANY WAY the authorities can have the airlock NOT scanned? There has to be some sort of override for this occasion...

You inform him that all these packages probably have the prophecied civilization-destroying game on them and you ask if he can have them not scanned, or inform somebody who can. He shrugs, which you have to admit is a pretty impressive sight with four arms.

"I don't really know, it's never happened before. We sent a team to mess with the global computer system's main chronometer and buy us some time before the global package scan, but the airlock scan doesn't check with the clock before priming. It's probably better if we take these out of the airlock's zone for now."

You help him pull thousands of packages back into the ship. The scan registers nothing at all in there. But you have no idea how much time is left before the global scan. You guess you may as well get back in line, if civilization is going to be doomed at least you won't have to smell it.

You are now...

Wait, who exactly are you again?

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Lady Hopkins, confidence trickster who has just infiltrated the social event of the season in order to seduce and disarm Lord Huffington, then blackmail him into giving you the deeds to the farm house of a poor old woman (which you intend to sell on to an oil baron for big cash monies)

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> The airlock.
> You are in great pain.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Elazul. So that DS stops suggesting this Legend of Mana character.

> Lorb Hamstre.

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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You are URTS QUAVAVAR, casino owner.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Lady Hopkins, confidence trickster who has just infiltrated the social event of the season in order to seduce and disarm Lord Huffington, then blackmail him into giving you the deeds to the farm house of a poor old woman (which you intend to sell on to an oil baron for big cash monies)

Yes, that's right. You are Lady Hopkins and you are at the highly-anticipated first demonstration of a hyped-up new game. You don't know why the hoi polloi are interested in video games; you suspect they aren't but they were told this was an exclusive event and of course they weren't going to turn that down.

Of course, Lady Hopkins is merely an alias. Your true identity is...

You are URTS QUAVAVAR, casino owner.

Urts Quavavar. You own a casino, although you have a reputation as a recluse. This is mostly to keep people from noticing when you disappear to engage in one of your "games". And you don't mean the computerized variety.

Your target for tonight is Lord Huffington. He is the owner of a large farm about an hour's drive from your casino; the old woman who lives on it is some distant relative of his. Distant enough that he doesn't feel he needs to share any of his immense wealth with her.

You have happened to learn, however, that this farm is rich in oil. Which means you'll soon be rich - well, richer - once you sell it off to some wealthy oilman. But first you need to get that deed from him.

He has no idea of its value, but he has enough sentiment for his poor old relative that he refuses to sell it. She has nowhere else to go, at least nowhere else that isn't one of his mansions and of course she'd be terribly uncomfortable there so really it's the farmhouse or the streets. Truly a man of boundless generosity.

Regardless, you believe that if you found the right compromising photographs, Lord Huffington would view the deed as a reasonable price to avoid their inconvenient release to the press. And the easiest way to find compromising photographs, you reason, is to make them yourself.

You've just managed to catch Lord Huffington's eye and he's headed towards you right now. This is the moment. You only need to seduce him and everything else will fall into place.

But how should you go about doing that?

Originally posted on MSPA by Hob.

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Shout "CONGO!"

Originally posted on MSPA by Crowstone.

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>Identify which gender he is using college-level biologist techniques

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Act like he's really famous and ask for a signed photograph.

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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Quickly, knit an ugly Christmas sweater and put it on him! He'll never live it down!