You Are About 10 Seconds Away From Execution By Firing Squad

You're going to have to perform the world's most impressive feat of speed-eating.

>Eat it

It suddenly occurs to you that you haven't eaten in a while.



Fortunately, you can solve this problem and your more immediate one at the same time!



"No ammo? But I just loaded the thing!"



"Grumble grumble stupid magic candy tanks, don't make them like they used to..."



Wait, didn't you just deal with this? Oh well, at least you know what to do.



"What, again? This is ridiculous!"





You're really not that hungry any more. Or mobile, for that matter.



"Oh, what? We ran out? Dammit, this thing's a worthless piece of junk!"



"And of course the light's still blinking. Ugh, this is so dumb."



"I should send a formal request to our Glorious Leader to have the tank's designers executed in front of a firing squad."



"Then again, Glorious Leader doesn't like getting complaints mmff mmff mmfff..."





This explosion is a metaphor for suffocating underneath something like fifty feet of snow. And also for being blown up by a landmine buried underneath something like fifty feet of snow.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Push the chocolate out. They forgot to close the hatch.

Oh. That wasn't so hard.



"Hey! What are you doing in here? Get your own magic candy tank!"



"No, no, I'm Santa Claus! I'm here to give the little boy a ride on my sleigh!"



"If you're Santa, where's your hat?"



"Well, you see, I lost it and..."



Yeah, you're not very good at coming up with excuses.



"Are you here to kidnap me, mister? 'Cause I'm not going unless you have something cooler than this dumb old tank."



"Well..."

Catch a ride on the most delicious bullet. Destination: ADVENTURE!

> Just ride it out. Make sure to recreate the famous scene while you do so, though.

"How would you like to ride on a giant chocolate bullet?"



"Maybe. Where are we going?"



"Well, I was thinking we'd get out of Snow Land and then figure out the rest later."
"I dunno. Snow Land's stupid and boring and this is the worst vacation ever, but you look uncool enough to find an even lamer country."



"Listen to me. If that chocolate bullet leaves this tank and you're not with me, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life."



"Yeah, I guess you're right. I do kinda hate this place, why would I even want to stay?"



"It's kinda cramped in here."
"I know."
"And how do we fire this thing from in here?"
"Umm..."
"Man, you're dumb. Why'd I agree to this again?"



"Ow, my head..."



"Hey, where'd everybody go?"



This is exactly how you planned it. Totally.



Well, okay, maybe not this part.



It looks like you're going to have to deal with this guy. What's the plan?

> Kill it

Feed it candy.

Give him the lad in exchange for safe passage

Time for a secret weapon. >Start crying

Give him the lad in exchange for safe passage

In a bold display of courage, you offer the monstrosity your younger self in servitude or something.



However, the duck head - which you suddenly recall is a judge - starts screeching something.



Apparently he wants you to prove you have legal custody over your younger self, or else you can't actually hand him over to the monstrosity. At least, that's what you seem to be getting out of it.



Ugh, this is a lot of paperwork. How long is it going to take you to figure this out?



There. Done. Hopefully you can get things sorted out now.



Oh, great, apparently there's a whole trial to go through too. Ugh, what a pain.



You engage in an impassioned argument that, since this kid is you, of course you have legal custody over him and can do whatever you want with him, since in the end you're the one who has to live with the consequences.



For example, by keeping him out in the cold for hours on end while you fill out forms and hold a trial, you have to live with the consequences of freezing to death years ago. Namely, disappearing from existence because you couldn't possibly be here.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>Offer your beard as a gift to the most attractive of the three heads without specifying which is the most attractive.

You decide to make the beast an offer, carefully worded in hopes of causing the heads to fight amongst themselves.



Oh. Wait a minute. Your beard seems to have gone missing, probably while you were riding that chocolate artillery shell. You've got no idea where it is.

Well, if bribery won't work, maybe you can try another approach.

The horse head looks educated! Appeal to its sensibilities as a scholar and ask it, as a learned man, not to resort to violence, the last resort of the stupid, and simply to let you pass!

You decide to take your chances with the most reasonable-looking of the heads. Maybe if you can get one on your side, the others will leave you alone.



What's this?



Oh. The horse is running for Senate. Maybe it wants your vote?



Wait a minute. You're an enemy of the state. Do you even get to vote?



Wait a minute. Corruptia is a dictatorship. Does anyone get to vote?



Wait a minute. Does Corruptia even have a Senate in the first place?







Oh. Apparently it doesn't.



And apparently this would-be Senator is upset by the fact that there's no Senate for it to run for, and it's inclined to take its anger out on you.

What are you going to do about it?

SpoilerShow

Happy fourth anniversary, Firing Squad! Yes, we've been at this for four years now, can you believe it?

Make a makeshift senate out of snow, declare it the official senate, vote for Incitatus and get oats.

>Inform him that he can't be a judge and senator at the same time

In fact, even if there were a senate, wouldn't it be a conflict of interest to serve as a senator and a judge at the same time?



Oh, uh, maybe this wasn't the best time to think of that.



But the duck agrees with you! He explains that according to the precedent for habeus corpus, without equity of redemption the horse has to forgo cross-examination in a trial in absentia.



The horse responds that the judge's argument is based on incumbency and as he hasn't earmarked any gerrymandering for this legislative session, his response is to launch a filibuster.



The judge retorts that, ex post facto, the horse has culpability for no lo contendere, and without casus belli, the only way to keep the injunction out of double jeopardy is a hung jury.



Oh, and apparently you were the jury. Well, at least the argument's settled, right?

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

Well, if Corruptia doesn't have a senate, then it's obvious what must happen. If it wishes to evoke cultural change that will bring a senate about, The Horse-head must, as a learned entity, engage in civil disobedience. Resisting the present regime is the only way that change may occur. By letting you go here, just a simple act of allowing you your freedom, it could set the foundation for a better Corruptia! It could be known as the Horse that brought democracy to Corruptia someday!

"Wait! Listen, I know you're upset, but I have a solution to your problem!"



"We could depose my grandmother! We could form a new Corruptia, one founded on greater principles!"



"A Corruptia that stands for justice! Equality! Having an elected Senate! Then you can serve as the Senator you were always meant to be!"



Well, they seem to be interested. Hopefully your rousing speech has won you a new ally!



Or not. This calls for a different approach.

Make a makeshift senate out of snow, declare it the official senate, vote for Incitatus and get oats.

"How about if I just build a senate out of snow and then vote you into it, then?"



Yeah, of course it agrees with the plan that's a lot more work.



You get your younger self to help out. Luckily, he's pretty eager to play around with snow.





Phew, you're finally done. Just one more step.



There's got to be an election!





The election goes to Incitatus!



And he immediately delivers on his campaign promise.



"So this is where you've been, Aureliano! Do you even realize how long I've been looking for you?"



"Honestly, I was worried your younger self might have frozen to death! But it looks like you've found him for me, so we can get things back on track now."



Oh, hey, it looks like Incitatus isn't happy about having his political career ended so suddenly.





"Oh dear, it looks like I'll have to use the shock system. Silly disobedient abomination!



"Oh, that's right, I just have one button for all the pain chips."





"Well, that was troublesome. General, take care of my good-for-nothing grandson while I get the propulsion systems working again."



Oh, hey, this guy is a general after all! You were never quite sure about that.

So what are you going to do?

Tell him you outrank him and therefore he must obey your orders.

Steal his beard.

> Bailiff! Escort this troublemaker off of the Senate floor!

> Throw oats in his eyes.

> Sow wild oats.

scarper!

>Tell your past self to run deep into the mountains, find a old man who knows the secrets of the universe and has wicked martial arts moves and have him teach you only to forget you know wicked martial arts moves till you hear the following phrase. "Turkey Nuggets Moving Kings to Friday."

You feel helpless. If only you'd spent your youth learning amazing martial arts skills instead of going on stupid vacations to Snow Land!



Wait... Technically your youth hasn't been spent yet.



You tell your younger self to seek out the great martial arts guru who probably lives in the mountains and to train yourself with a code phrase so that you will forget about the skills until this very moment.



"Yeah, sure, whatever."





Ugh. You finally made it. Man, this was a boring trip, better than that stupid vacation though.



"Welcome, child. No doubt you have gone through many hardships to come here."



"Many have sought my wisdom, and many have failed. You are one of the few courageous and skilled enough to make it here, and so you are worthy to learn from me."



"However! I have much wisdom, and little time to share it. You may only ask one thing of me, for I can teach no more than that to a single pupil. Think carefully of what you will ask for."



Man, what's this guy going on about? Why were you even looking for him in the first place?



"Can we make an awesome snow fort?"



"A very wise choice, my child. Of all my many skills, my talent at making structures out of snow may well be my greatest."





"You have learned all that I have to teach, child. But be warned: when you leave this mountain, you shall forget these talents until the time is right. Only when the proper words are spoken shall you recall your gift."



"Yeah, whatever. I'm bored. Cool snow fort, though."



Meanwhile, days before this whole thing happened and years in the future from your perspective, you attempt to recall the secret knowledge you gained. Mostly you're hoping that your guess for the magic words that unlock your knowledge is right.



Yes, these are the right words. You feel the lost knowledge flowing into your mind.



You ready yourself to face your foe. You will do this!



Wait, that's not quite right.



Wow, you really dropped the ball on these secret martial...



...arts skills?



Wow, this is way cooler than your Snow Senate.





"Well, Aureliano, it's good to see that you've done something with your waste of a life. Now it won't end as a complete failure."

You can pretty much guess what happens next.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

> Throw oats in his eyes.

It occurs to you that you have a weapon at hand.



Looks like somebody's about to get a nutritious breakfast.



"Gah!"

He's thrown off-balance! Now's your chance to strike!

Steal his beard.

Which, of course, you will do in the most productive way possible.



Success! Without his beard, he'll be powerless!



Or maybe just really, really, angry.



What's he doing?



Throwing exploding watches, apparently. This could be bad.

>Build yourself a snowfort and man it with snowman

It's clearly not safe in here. You're going to need some better shelter.



"Fishsticks! Iron lung! Mobile phone! Artichoke!"



Wow, he's so angry he's not even forming coherent sentences. This isn't going well.



"Turkey nuggets! Moving KINGS! TO FRIDAY!"



Whoa, suddenly you feel strange and mystical knowledge filling your head.



You don't know where this knowledge came from, but you can tell that it will aid you now.



Before you know it, you've constructed a secure fortress out of snow.



A very secure fortress.



This should give you time to come up with a plan, at least.



"You still haven't taken care of that worthless grandson of mine? Honestly, I was sure you'd be done by now."

> Call in the snow artillery support

"Well, fortunately I know exactly how to deal with this."















This could be a problem. What are you going to do?

it's snow problem

jump from missile to missile over to the enemy base

build the snow missiles into your castle, making a progressively more ridiculous and unstable looking fortress as they keep coming.

Use that beard you stole to wipe off the writing!

Quickly build snow anti-missile technology to retailiate!

jump from missile to missile over to the enemy base

This is bad.



But then again, it's also an opportunity.





Ow! What's that doing there?



Ouch.



Great, now you don't even have your snow fortress for protection, how are you going to...






Oh. That's how.




Well, this gives you an edge, at least. You should be able to take down the fortress with this.



But why not do it a little faster?






Maybe you went a little overboard.



Too bad you didn't get the frog suit.

BAD END
Reloading from last save...

>The snow missiles are made of snow just make a better fort with all the extra material

build the snow missiles into your castle, making a progressively more ridiculous and unstable looking fortress as they keep coming.

This is really, really big trouble.



You may have a potent snow fortress, but is it really going to protect you from these snow missiles?



Wait a minute... They're both made out of snow!





There! Now you're safe...



Oh, right. Well, you know how to deal with one, how much harder could several dozen be?

BUILD THE SNOW MECHA

Okay, you've probably made enough upgrades now. Time to go on the offense.





"Hmm. That could be a problem."



"Attention, all units! We have a Code Nine situation! Get over to my position, pronto!"



"Men, the situation is dire. We need to resort to drastic measures."



"This calls for... THE BEEPBOOP 5000!"



Okay, you seem to be doing pretty good here... Wait, what's that?



"Aureliano! You've gotten in my way for the last time!"







"Man, if I wanted to watch a giant robot battle, I could have just stayed home."



"Whoa!"



"The watch! What am I even doing, that's the only thing that matters!)



Wait, where's she going?



Oh. The watch. Right.



You'll need to get to it before she does. How are you going to do that?

Bellyflop your mech right on top of it

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take it out of the radar machine, duh

Watch the watch

>Do a sick wheelie in attempt to run her over