Super Otaku Brawl - Round One: Traverse Town

Willy Wonka goes where there are the most children THERE

Thanos takes Not Thanos' Thread.

Ix's, I guess.

I would have a strong preference for rolling with Seedy/Starscream, but otherwise I'm pretty easy for threads.

Just, arbitrarily, I'll say Slorangethread.

(I'm changing my character, btw. Will have another one put up soon-ish.)

Okay, new character is now up. Just put it in Ix's battle.

i was too busy reading comics so ill just reconfirm the sblock of me seedy and schazer handcuffing ourselves to each other until death do us part

With Raven gone, Jack Spicer is the only real child; Wonka goes with him. Starscream and Rayquaza are the least describable as conventionally people, so Shrek goes with them and that battle will be the smaller of the two unless we get another app. Thanos and his ridiculous buffness provide enough hypermasculinity for one thread, so Wolfgang goes in the other one. By default, that puts Bully Demise, Anger Crabman, Nancy Little, Jane Doe, Jim, Charles Barkley, and Alenia in the other one.

I hope you doofuses are happy.

Slorange you have worked some kind of organizational miracle.

A'ight, so I figure Ix, as the originator, would get Super Otaku Brawl, and Slorange, due to the roster, would get Super Otaku Melee Extreme: Battle Onslaught Destruction Upsilon

nods sagely

Crabman doesn't care where he is as long as it gets cable.

I am excitedly anticipating the Ixthread, and excitedly reading the Slothread

The Plagiarist had finished his gathering. Suddenly, a completely black void, lacking any light whatsoever, was called into existence. Somehow eight figures from very different worlds were visible, perfectly illuminated by nothing. They found themselves floating in this void, unable to really move anywhere. Suddenly, a shadow appears. In all the darkness, the shadow is somehow clearly visible, and it starts to speak.

"Attention combatants! You have been entered into a tournament! A fight to the death! I must admit, this isn't the most original idea, but it was too good an opportunity to pass up! Here's how it's going to go! There's going to be a number of rounds! Every round one of you will die, and I'll give you a new change in scenery. Sound good? Any objections? Too bad! You get no choice! If you win, you might be allowed to go back home if you want, but honestly, I just figured this would be amusing! Now to introduce you all to one another!"

A pillar of light suddenly pierces the void, extending upwards into infinity and with a startled looking hawk at its foot.

"This is Tobias. Yes, yes I know, he's a hawk. He used to be human but you know, shit happens. Now he's a shapeshifter able to morph into any animal he encounters. Watch out for this one. My advice, kill every animal you encounter just in case. You never know right?"

The man in the mask was in the spotlight now.

"This behemoth of a man is Bully Demise, and well where to start? He's died upon multiple occasions, met Jesus personally and even escaped from Hell itself. He's got a cursed sword and powerful demonic and divine magics. God help us all."

The spotlight shone around looking for the next contestant, a grey skinned individual dressed only in shorts and crocs.

"This is the Anger Crabman. The oldest and least interesting being in the universe. Technically immortal the only way this contestant can die is if the universe dies with him. So, um, good luck with that."

The spotlight moved onto the next contestant, the least memorable figure of the nine.

"This lovely lady is Nancy Little. She's a secretary for some police station, though she'd rather be a detective. She could be a detective, too. But little Miss Little's too insecure and apathetic to try, even with her implausible luck. This is arguably the... second-best thing that's ever happened to her. You wanted an adventure, well; today's your lucky day."

The Soldier was lit up next.

"This is Jane Doe; would be soldier and former nazi hunter. He's pretty tough, he routinely fires rockets at his own feet so that should give you some idea of what you're dealing with here."

Next up was another human male.

"This is Jim. A starship captain from the 23rd century, his mission is to boldly go where no man has gone before and I'm certain he'll be breaking new ground on this particular mission."

Now the Queen's Knight was the centre of attention.

"This is Alenia, a fine upstanding member of the Queen's Knights who only wants what is best for her country. Thanks to the Twilight Rune she carries she has some limited power over darkness but you should get along with her just fine so long as you're not one of those filthy non-humans and you don't badmouth the glorious Gizel Godwin."

Finally the spotlight rested on an enormous hunk of amber.

"And finally, encased in this amber is Thanos. I don't actually know if he's aware of what's going on, I guess when he gets out if he isn't one of you can explain the situation to him for me, okay? So anyway yes, this is Thanos. If you feel safe around him for even a second, you're an idiot. He's not the most powerful entity in the universe, nor is he the cleverest, nor is he the most unpredictable. But he is each of these things in spades, and that is a dangerous combination."

"Now that you are all acquainted, we shall begin."

From the darkness a shape appeared and expanded, growing until it was the size of a town, it remained nestled in the black void. It was a quaint little place, with brightly coloured signs on old fashioned buildings and hundreds of twinkling lights. The faint sound of an enchanted melody wound its way through the moonlit streets.

"Welcome to Traverse Town. A refuge for those whose homeworlds have been destroyed by beings known as the Heartless. It is constructed of remnants of those destroyed worlds and inhabited by some very colourful characters. I know it might seem tempting to hop on a gummi ship and try to fly away from this whole ordeal but rest assured I've encased this world in a unmatter bubble. Unless you particularly feel like you'd like to see what it's like to be a handful of atoms floating in the depths of space I wouldn't advise it."

The abductees suddenly found themselves scattered throughout the town. It was a jarring experience, going from existence to nothingness back to a different existence, and it took several seconds for most to regather their senses. In that time, they heard one last line from their captor.

"Have fun, and try not to die too quickly."

SpoilerShow

If you're not familiar with Traverse Town here is a link to give you some idea.

Oh my god. Another omnipotent entity?

Tobias flew up and perched on the ridge of one of the roofs. Preening himself out of habit, he mused.

I don't suppose the Ellimist is going to come by and take me back home?

He waited. Of course the Ellimist didn't do anything. For what may be the first time, he resented the Ellimist's non-interaction thing. An omnipotent entity could only call for another, right? But no, he was on his own. A battle to the death, and everybody else looked more powerful than, well, a 14-year old boy stuck in a hawk's body. At least most of them were humans. He at least had some company, that is, if he didn't freak them out. He supposed he should make some allies to, uh, fight against these incredibly powerful beings. Was that a good idea? Wouldn't they betray him? Eh, the more allies he had, the less enemies he had as well. And he was sick of enemies.

He flew out, searching for someone with even a modicum of sanity. The night sky covered his presence, which was good because there were many strange beings crawling across the alleys. He didn't think Ax had ever mentioned these particular aliens... and some looked like cartoonish versions of Earth animals. Was he being mocked? Yeah, he was... wait. Was that...

<...Goofy?>

The doggish humanoid stopped and looked up, searching for the source of the voice. Sensing nothing, he walked on.

That was close.

He really should have been more careful. What if one of the more dangerous contestants found him? Still... Goofy?! What the hell was Goofy doing here? This... host was definitely mocking him, making one of his favorite characters come to life here. He hoped this was just a nightmare, and flew on.

Alenia was furious. She had been mere minutes away from humiliating that treacherous prince, and then this interloper had pulled her far, far away.

At least he had the good sense to acknowledge Gizel's talents. But in the meantime, Alenia had work to do. She might not be in Doraat, or even Falena, but that was no excuse to neglect her duties as a Queen's Knight.

Fortunately, it seemed her abductor had dropped her off at the perfect place to start.

---

It was a slow news day at the Traverse Times. Again. Nothing exciting had happened for weeks.

Of course, Old Steve, the editor, had been saying for a few days that a big story was about to hit. "Any day now", he'd said. Everyone thought he was just being optimistic. They didn't understand he had an instinct for this sort of thing.

He'd woken up and known that today was the day. The big story was going to happen today, and he'd been telling everyone to be ready for it.

Admittedly, even he hadn't expected the story to come right to his office, kick down his door, and hold a sword to his throat. His instincts weren't that good.

"There are going to be some significant changes around here," Alenia said. "First of all, this paper is now under the official control of Queen Lymsleia and Gizel Godwin, Commander of the Queen's Knights. And I am serving as their representative. You will print what I say. Do I make myself clear?"

"Now hold on a minute," Steve began. "I've run this paper for thirty years, and..."

Alenia scowled. She raised her hand and the Twilight Rune began to glow. A small burst of dark energy flew out from it towards Steve's desk.

It collided with his lamp and exploded with a loud pop.

Alenia scowled. The damned Rune was supposed to be more powerful than that! She'd just have to improvise.

"That was a small sample of the power of the Twilight Rune," she said. "If you don't want to see what it can do at full power, you will accept my terms now."

"As I was sayin', I've been running this paper for thirty years and I've never seen anyone with as much raw passion for the news as you!" Steve gulped. "Just tell us what you want and we'll have it written up for tomorrow morning!"

Alenia glared at him.

"That's far too long," she said.

"Special evening edition! Got it! We'll get on it right away, ma'am!"

"That's more like it," Alenia said. She grabbed a sheet of paper off his desk. "Let's talk about what your top story is going to be."

"No! I refuse to be subjugated under this Nazi regime! I want freedom! And liberty! And... AMERICA!" Soldier flailed around midair, waving his shovel and pickax around. "I will break free from your communist magic and then you will be sorry. Oh yes."

Merlin and Fairy Godmother glanced at each other. This... man had appeared in the Mystical House about five minutes ago and had immediately begun breaking things. Merlin had been forced to cast a spell that kept him levitated in the middle of the room, far from anything breakable.

"Sir..." Merlin started.

"Silence, Merasmus!" Soldier yelled, smirking as Merlin and Fairy Godmother stared at each other in confusion. "Hehehe... You really think you could fool your roomie, you wizarding pansy? Ha! I can see through your ruse! Now release me so we can duel! And by that I mean I'll kill you!" Merlin turned, horrified, to this crazy man.

"Sir, please! I'm not... 'Merasmus'. And I'm don't want to fight you."

"Grr..." Soldier growled, strapping his weapons to his belt. He unclipped the shotgun from his belt and fired twice at the ceiling. The blasts caused Merlin to lose his concentration. The spell weakened and Soldier fell, cackling, and grabbed his rocket launcher from his back and pointed it down. "Sayonara, fake and also communist Merasmus!" He fired, causing a rocket to fly from the barrel and impact the floor. It shot him into the air... and made him collide with the ceiling hard enough to knock him out. His body landed on the floor with a thump.

"Goodness..." Merlin sighed, staring down at Soldier. "This is quite the problem..."

"I'll say." Fairy Godmother smoothed out her dress, dabbing at her brow with a handkerchief. "We'd better do something with him quick. Who knows what he's capable of."

It was not the first time Bully Demise had woken up face-down in the street, nor was it the first time he expected to die only to find himself in a different place. It was probably the first time that, upon doing so, he immediately found himself staring into a pair of glowing yellow eyes, though.

Bully picked himself up and dusted himself off, then grabbed the sword lying at his side. Looking back and forth, he could see a few sets of eyes, as well as the pitch-black figures they were attached to. “Aw, hey, ant guys! Sorry, I really have to go fight some people like the announcer said I should. I'll see you later though maybe!” He tried to step around the Heartless, but they quickly blocked his path. Sighing, he turned around to find more of them approaching; in addition, in the sky he could see a few similarly-colored creatures wearing hats and robes in a variety of colors.

The wrestler shook his head. “Okay, come on, guys. I'll feed you some bread or something later, okay? Right now I gotta go fight guys!” One of the shadows quickly obliged him by leaping at his face, then lashing out with his claws. Bully stumbled backwards before grabbing it, yanking it off and tossing it to the side. “Jeez, the animals here are worse than the cats on the island. Well, let's see...” Slowly, he raised his knee into the air and positioned his foot above one of the larger ones, silently judging the distance between his boot and its head. “That should work. Sorry about this, buddy!”

And with a swift downward motion and a sickening squelch, the Shadow disintegrated in a puff of darkness. Bully grinned and flexed his biceps. “Okay! Whose turn is next?”

Nancy had been wanting to scream since she'd found herself surrounded by blackness, and the urge had only gotten stronger as the shadow had continued to speak. She was nearly senseless with terror by the time she'd been dropped into Traverse Town. The scream itself caught in her throat as soon as she had throat enough to scream, and she collapsed with a little noise halfway between a retch and a gurgle. Her Remington-Rand No. 3 clanged against the floor, much louder than she'd managed to be.

So, this was adventure. Being abducted by some sort of god or monster and told to fight to the death. She wrapped her arms around her head and squeezed her eyes shut, as if ignoring everything hard enough would make it all go away. Maybe if she'd actually had the courage to seek out adventure on her own, she wouldn't have been forced into this one. Or maybe that was a really stupid thing to think. It didn't matter; she was going to die now. Just- just like...

That admittedly-unhelpful train of thought was quickly interrupted by the sound of something nearby moving. Several somethings, actually. She curled up into a ball, squeezing her head tighter, and tried not to breathe; maybe it was best that she die right here and now rather than suffer through some kind of battle. It wasn't as though she had any chance to survive against people who commanded the darkness, or couldn't be killed, or were giant purple monsters in blocks of amber. She just didn't want to have to see herself being killed.

Whatever it was, or they were, moved closer. She heard the creak of a door being pushed open, and she shook as it drew level with her. This was it. She just hoped it would be quick. She wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of crying or begging, but she certainly wasn't going to bother running either. She accepted her fate.

In spite of herself, Nancy yelped and scrambled backwards when she felt something pressed against her face. Something... cold. And wet. Reluctantly, she faced her attacker, pulling her typewriter close.

It was a dog. It was two dogs, actually. Dalmatians. Purebreds, by the look of it. The one in the red collar had its head down nonthreateningly and its tail slowly wagging, and it was moving towards her. The one in the blue collar was hanging back, watching Nancy warily. It was just dogs.

Absently, she reached out and rubbed the dalmatian behind its ears; it looked like death wouldn't be coming quite yet. She quietly took stock of her new surroundings as she stroked the dog; her back was up against a piano, there was sheet music scattered and stacked all over the place, and a number of instruments were jammed into every nook and cranny. The overall atmosphere was of a cozy, homey sort of chaos, and–

Wait... Wasn't one of the people killing her an animal? That could be any animal? She pulled back again, hands shaking.

Why did everything have to go wrong?

None of the occupants of the hotel had ever really questioned why there were so many boxes in the back alley or what, exactly, was inside them. The trade economy of Traverse Town -- itself little more than a refugee station for those displaced by the Heartless incursion -- was a subtle thing. The Moogle guilds had always been cordial to these three, in any case; this was reason one why they were loath to touch the strange block currently occupying the alley.

"It doesn't look like a Heartless," offered Yuffie.

"What Heartless do, nowadays?" asked Leon. "There are new breeds showing up all the time. If it is a Heartless it could have abilities we haven't even thought of."

"Aww, we can take 'im." Yuffie hopped up on top of the amber-colored block and gave it a lick. "It doesn't taste like Gummi," she offered. "Makes my tongue kind of numb."

Leon sighed and reminded himself, as always, to be patient with the sixteen-year-old "great ninja." Everybody had different ways of dealing with the destruction of their assorted homeworlds. Leon's veneer of grim, vengeful determination was more convenient than Yuffie's... antsiness... but no more valid. "We'll call in Merlin. If he is a Heartless Merlin can--"

"We don't need to call Merlin." Leon stepped aside as Aerith approached. The young woman with the pink dresses provoked much more complicated feelings in him than the affectionate annoyance with which he wrote off Yuffie, and was more of a puzzle. What was her coping mechanism for losing her world? Was it her air of vaguely-sensual mystique, or had she always been like that?

Aerith approached the block and gave its occupant a quick look-over, hands clasped behind her back. "He's not a Heartless," she said. "Look in his eyes. He's sad. Heartless are never sad."

She raised a hand and made a series of dainty gestures. There was a pink light and a smell of flowers. Leon grabbed her shoulder. "Aerith, wai--"

But she had already said the magic word, singsong under her breath: esuna

As the block disappeared Yuffie did a neat handspring off of the occupant's shoulder as Thanos, the Mad Titan, returned to life. Powerful and unholy energies crackled around him. He shouted a word: "THANE!"

Leon put himself between Aerith and the hulking purple man, and his Gunblade between himself and the hulking purple man for good measure. "Calm down," he commanded. "We're not here to fight."

So Thanos punched him.

The Gunblade took the brunt of the impact, but what an impact. Leon came to five seconds later, halfway across the alley, his weapon lodged in a wall. His ears were ringing but he could very clearly see that Aerith was touching the thing. Leon was Upset.

"It's okay," Aerith said as Leon reapproached. "He's just lost, like us. His name is Thanos."

The fire, the madness, seemed to have gone out of Thanos' eyes, but his sheer size still marked him as a threat. "What a world," said Thanos with a voice like two skulls kissing, "That has never heard the name Thanos. I don't like it."

"Yeah, well, it's home now, buddy," growled Leon, continually trying (and somehow failing) to interpose himself between Thanos and Aerith. "Wherever you came from is gone. Eaten."

"Earth lost?" asked Thanos. "Hmm. And not by my antimatter bo--" He took a sidelong glance at Yuffie, playing card tricks with shuriken. "...What did this?" he asked.

Aerith touched the Thanos again, on his upper arm. "They're called the Heartless," she began. "Let's get you upstairs and we'll catch you up."

"Kirk to Enterprise? Come in, Enterprise. Kirk to--"

Nothing. Not that he honestly expected a response; omnipotent beings such as this usually didn't leave things to chance. Hopefully this one wasn't too competent.

"Captain's log, stardate..."

Jim gazed moodily into the night sky, in the vain hope he might recognize his place in the galaxy. If he was even in the same galaxy. Or century.

A star winked out, presumably to spite him.

"...Unknown. I have been... abducted by a being of considerable power and placed in some sort of... death game for their amusement. Again."

He worried after the Enterprise and her crew, but they were in good hands if he didn't make it back. They'd search for him, probably for longer than reasonable, and Spock and Bones might fight a few times, but they'd be alright.

But what about his 'competitors'? If they, like he, had been abducted... How far might they go to return home? He could try to protect those who wanted peace, but he'd need to find them first. Safety in numbers, in theory. In practice, it never seemed to work out so well...

Well, he'd deal with events as they came, and right now that meant figuring out this town. Below him stretched a large plaza lit with... gas or electric lampposts; it was hard to tell from here. Nearer to hand were a pair of shops: one open-stall but void of any merchandise save a large safe, the other apparently closed for renovation.

"I seem to be in some sort of... post-industrial city. My kidnapper mentioned ships, but I'm not sure the technology--"

"LOOK OUT!"

The doors behind him slammed open and a wagon loaded with crates barreled towards him. Jim barely vaulted the counter in time; a loud crash and wooden shrapnel passed just overhead. He looked up cautiously at the concussed... duck children... lying against their cargo of... rubber polyhedrons and glowing crystals... as a gang of chittering... shadow-beings closed in menacingly.

Before he could draw his phaser, something

fell

erupted in blue

and the shadows disintegrated.

A lean, wiry man who reminded Jim entirely too much of Doctor McCoy yanked his spear from the ground and glowered.

"Hell're you gawkin' at? Help me get these doors shut 'fore more of 'em arrive!"

Somehow, today was shaping up to be even stranger than usual.

Anger Crabman drifted back into consciousness after napping through whatever the entity which had captured them was saying. He was only peripherally aware of how tired he actually was. He didn't really sleep much any more, especially because of his usual nonsensical dreams, but it was very easy to drift off.
He surveyed the fantastical cityscape around him from his vantage on an old slate roof. It seemed vaguely medieval, like the 63rd 2nd Republic's neo-dark-ages motif or the retrofantasy megapubs in Trol Miami. Not that he had frequented such establishments lately, due to the level of whippersnappers aboard the premises.
He spoke eight words in a cracked tone, aglow with ancient power:

"Thfuck is this poeny shit boners was on."

With motions as fluid as an cheetah in a tortilla, the coriaceous coot clambered down, eventually slipping off and breaking a hip on a pebbled road. It got better though.
He surveyed the outlandish locale with bleary eyes, doing what he had been doing for trillions of years. Wandering aimlessly until he found something remotely interesting. Finally, at one street corner he saw someone. in his mind's tongue, he'd call it "an enormous fucked-up mouse thing."

The Deathless One lurched towards it making a croaking sound that was only marginally recognisable as speech. "Ey, youngun" he spat, "whathhafucks up with this town nshit." The mouse, a young lady in a red poka-dot dress, opened her mouth to respond, but Crabber cut her off with a "an wherez yer tv I want to watch boners."

Minnie Mouse furrowed her eyebrows. The old grey man was terribly rude. "I don't have a TV," she said "But if you-"
"Who doesn't have a TV these days? Don't ya know thats been illegal nthat since the 2nd fifth empire? Ohaye, since Overmeister Goerg Bloggospher-"

There is nothing sharper than a hawk's eye.

Tobias could verify this, as he had already identified the location of 6 out of 7 contestants, despite being several hundreds of feet in the sky. And there's the last one. Nancy, was it? She seemed nice. Innocent. Undeserving to be in this competition. Tobias supposed she needed a friend.

With a kreeeee, he started his dive. Even when he was fighting for his life on an alien planet, the sensation of flight never ceased to give him joy. As he approached the skyline, he pulled back, banked sharply, and circled around. He searched for an open window in the house where he had saw Nancy. There. No lights too. This would be easy. He began morphing.

Turns out it was too easy, getting in here. The lights turned on, and a blond man with a pipe stood in the doorway. Tobias hadn't finished morphing, so of course he looked like a freakish, nearly naked, bird-man hybrid. The man's pipe fell to the ground.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

<AAaaa>"aaaaahahhhghgh!"

With a thud, this man fainted. Carefully, Tobias finished his morph. He was now back in his human body, and no longer capable of thought-speech. Awkwardly, he stepped over the man's body, and searched for some decent clothes. He didn't want to scare this Nancy too much.

---

Two subsequent screams pierced the air, and the dogs stood at attention. One barked to the other, and the other ran into the kitchen. Nancy, now further terrified, leaped back, and pulled out her revolver. She of course knew she wouldn't be able to muster the courage to pull the trigger, but she shakily held it at the doorway anyways. And a figure came through. She yelped, and closed her eyes.

"Whoa there! I don't want to hurt you!"

She opened her eyes, and saw a skinny teenaged boy, wearing nothing more than a blue leotard.

"W-what are you doing here? What was that?"

"I... um... kind of scared the guy who was living here. I didn't mean to, I swear!"

Cautiously, she let her arms down, and pocketed her gun.

"So, you don't live here?"

"No. I'm guessing you don't either."

"No... but I didn't break in! I was just... uhh..."

How was she supposed to explain that an omnipotent multiversal entity dropped her off inside someone's house? And that she was supposed to fight like 7 other people to the death? And that some of those people were also incredibly powerful?!

"A friend! Yeah. Just a friend of those dogs."

At her cue, the dalmatian who stayed behind came out from under the piano, and let out a soft waf.

It was clear that Nancy didn't know who he was. He supposed this would be for the better, because how would she react to knowing that he was supposed to kill her? But how soon until the cat's out of the bag? Speaking of which...

Bark. Bark bark bark.

At the sound of the barking, coming from another room, the dog perked up, and ran into the kitchen.

"Oh! Um, there's something you should know... this guy I scared? He fainted. Yeah. We should go check on him."

"Wait! Who are you? What's your name?"

"Just call me Jake."

Just a friend of those dogs. Missy, you're going to have to get a lot better at this if you don't want to get yourself bumped off at the first sign of one of the... others. What if this kid had been that crazy-looking man with the shotgun? Well, she could have just kissed her chassis goodbye! She hoisted her typewriter under one arm and shouldered her purse on the other; she could feel the simultaneously comforting and terrifying weight of her Lady Smith pressing against her fingertips through the fabric. She'd been a little surprised she'd even managed to get it out, the fact that she hadn't managed to hold it straight for her nerves notwithstanding.

Nancy watched Jake leave; she wasn't sure if it'd be safer to follow him or try to slip out while he went to go find whoever had fainted. On the one hand, he'd obviously broken in, which meant he was probably dangerous. On the other, he hadn't been told to murder her on sight or else, which meant he was probably less dangerous than whoever was out there. Making a few friends who might hide her was probably a better bet than wandering off into the city to get ambushed by monsters and murderers. She followed Jake.

A few rooms away they found the man, still lying on the kitchen floor, pipe ash forming a halo around his head. Jake and Nancy looked at each other, each hoping the other knew some first aid. When it became obvious nobody did, Nancy did the next best thing and started rummaging through cabinets; luckily enough, she turned up a first aid kit with a jar of smellingsalts in the second one she opened. She pinched her nose and waved it under his.

The man's eyes fluttered open and he gagged slightly. Nancy quickly capped the noxious bottle and tried to smile disarmingly.

"Um... Hello."

"Who are you people? Why are you in my house?"

"I'm Nancy, and this is Jake, and..." She hesitated, wondering how much to reveal and why she hadn't come up with a good lie while she was looking around. She settled for simply finishing with "And there are some bad people after me."

"...and finally, Thanos. I know little about him, save that he is powerful, clever, and unpredictable. He is obviously the greatest threat to this city, but all of them bear responsibility for these shadow creatures."

"Got all that," Steve said, writing furiously. "But we're going to need pictures of these guys."

"Then get the pictures! What is so complicated about that?"

"Well, for one thing, we need to actually find these seven visitors of yours. And they sound pretty dangerous. I'm not keen on sending out photographers without some kind of protection."

"I have no time for your cowardice. If they need protection, I will go with them. That should be more than sufficient."

A vision flashed through Steve's mind of his new boss getting in a fight with a shapeshifter and losing horribly. That would solve a lot of his current problems.

"Your courage is an inspiration to us all," he said. "I'll get my best photographer on the case."

"Tell them to meet me outside the front doors in two minutes," Alenia said, walking out. "I've spent too long in this place as it is."

"Right away," Steve agreed. Or rather, as soon as he figured out who he disliked enough to send out on this assignment.

The hotel room seemed very small, and Thanos very big. This was because, in fact, the hotel room was quite small and Thanos quite big.

“Hmmm.” The Mad Titan rubbed his weird-looking chin with a meaty, purple finger. “I had heard tell of a threat to all worlds. The reawakening of the Builders. The Annihilation Wave unleashed once more. Either of these could be your ‘Heartless’ under another name.”

“Maybe.” Aerith was doing that thing with her hands where it looks like she’s protecting something small. Yuffie was sitting on one of Thanos’ knees, kicking her feet contentedly. Leon had a shoulder in the doorframe. “We’ve talked to people from many worlds. Most of them had no idea what was going on when their worlds were taken.”

“Most of them aren’t as well-traveled as you seem to be,” added Leon.

Thanos grunted in assent. “Rarely am I caught unprepared,” he confessed. “What resistance have you levied?”

Trying to get in before Aerith spoke, Leon said, “We can’t trust you with—”

“There’s a weapon called the Keyblade,” interrupted Aerith. “It’s bonded to a boy named Sora. He’s using it to lock away the hearts of worlds so they can’t be taken by the Heartless.”

“Ah,” said Thanos. “A ‘boy.’ Alas for the capriciousness of mythic weaponry. I hope he does not travel unaccompanied.”

“He has good men with him,” said Leon. “the Keyblade’s safe.”

“Good. A good start. But not a plan in itself. I will assist you against the Heartless,” said Thanos, standing slowly to avoid putting his head through the roof. “But I will need your assistance getting offworld. My son’s curse seems to have shorted my teleport capability. I’ll need a ship.”

Aerith looked to Leon for confirmation. Leon rolled his eyes and shrugged.

“I’ll show you the way to Cid’s,” she said.

Bully Demise winced as tiny shards of ice grazed his shoulder. He hadn't really thought about the fact that he'd only ever used magic, not had it thrown against him - well, except that one time, but I died that time so maybe I shouldn't think about that - and he didn't have any real ideas for dealing with it.

Wait, the announcer said I could do magic again, right? That wouldn't work, though; he had to meditate first, right? That's how it always worked before, anyway. Regardless, it was clear he wasn't getting anything done this way, so - as much as he disliked it - maybe it was best if he didn't fight these things right now.

Instead, he broke into a run, doing the best he could to elude the heartless bearing down on him - not an easy task, given that he was fleeing through an alley - only to slam directly into a child holding a giant key, which clashed against his sword with a resounding clang.

---

"Thank you so much for your hospitality, Mister Radcliffe."

The blond man, slightly distracted with the task of sweeping up the fallen ashes, at first responded with nothing but an "Oh?" before, a couple seconds later, blurting out "Oh! Yes, well, it's the right thing to do, under the circumstances. And besides - oh, hello!" Catching a glimpse of the window, the man smiled, followed shortly by the dogs barking - a noise which quickly escalated to a cacophony, courtesy of the puppies spread about the house.

The words "Friend of yours?" came from Jake's mouth, muffled slightly by the crumbs piling up inside it. He was absentmindedly munching on crackers (kindly provided by their host), staring a little too intently on Nancy. Sizing her up. The revolver had been a surprise, but the fear in her eyes when she pulled it out was... well, for lack of a better word, reassuring? She hadn't gotten comfortable enough using it that she'd be willing to do so if it could be avoided. That was probably for the best, at the moment.

"Yes, he's been very helpful. Seems to have a real knack for finding lost dogs, ac- say, who's that fellow in the pink shirt -"

He hadn't even managed to finish the sentence before Nancy blurted out "oh, crumbs!" and ducked underneath the table. Jake stiffened noticeably as well, but quickly reinforced his cover by slightly pulling up his end of the tablecloth and glancing beneath it.

"So I'm guessing that's one of those bad people you mentioned, right?" Nancy nodded. Jake dropped the tablecloth, sat up straight and craned his neck around to look through the window - sure enough, it was the wrestler, who currently seemed to be in the process of...

"Uh, just checking, Roger - I mean, uh, Mister Radcliffe - but is that guy getting into an argument with some kind of three-foot-tall duck carrying a mace?"

The man laughed. "Of course, I forgot how disorienting things like that are when you first end up in town. Don't worry, my boy, you'll get used to it soon enough!"

"- and in response to that ol Goerg was bein all angry nshit so he secretly erected the first Legue of Culinecromancers right? I was one a the first and one a the last when the dust had settled, but im gettin ahead of myself-"

Crabman had been going like this for hours, and managed to attract quite a few people. Being at least ten thousand million times older than the oldest man, anger crabman had a Boring Story Aura at least ten thousand million times more powerful than the next guy. Minnie, a good twelve puppies and several moogles were already enveloped by the field, desperate to leave but unable. He continued talking.

"why backin my day youd never dream of lookin a culinecromancer in th eye. people useta cut out their eyes n stuff just so they couldnt. anywayz the first batle of the culinecromancers was at bloggospher's castle in response to a krogern invasion fleet. now that was a fight an a half. i remembres it well. krogerns on the left side, us on the right. i was raisin more dead with pastries an sandwiches than you can count, but them krogerns had a secret up their sleeves. they wus descended from the descendants first colonists we sent up durin the fifth second plastic age an they had some plastic age wepons like the last supersonic faster than light critboosted railgun sniper death howitzer in existince."

He paused for dramatic effect. No one knew what a supersonic faster than light critboosted railgun sniper death howitzer was, but it was probably bad.

"they aimed it at the planets head and were gonan fire ,and they did. they destroyed all of trolternia right in that instant....
"all but me.
"i then lasered there mothership an made it into a pastry, and resurrected the whoooooole wooooooorld. After wed won that battle, bignose died of fright from having been dead and having forgotten to pay their hell fees, along with a good deal of the population. his sone, gregori blogospher, took over as overmeister. now gregori had a problem with people so he only spoke to himself usin a giant machine designed to perfctly replicate his own mind. It killed him an took over his empire, then had me shipped to the sun. by the time i climbed out and drifted across space back to trolternia, the supercomputer and all its works had just rotted away to nothing. As will we all, one day..."

The Deathless' gaze drifted, eyes becoming unfocused and bleary. Someone coughed.
"whattafuck do you want jegus you whippersnappers. wheres yer tv i wanna watch boners???"

He wandered away, screaming about young'uns and whippersnappers and his day.
Many took their hats off to this great hero.