ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> A Queztalcoatl Mage

> A Jammin' Jelly

> A Double Sword

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> A Queztalcoatl Mage

Don't be silly, nobody uses a quetzalcoatl mage. Just look at those terrible stats!

> An undead dentist.

A pteradactyl lawyer.

Yes, that must be it. Your new character is an undead pterodactyl who is both a dentist and a lawyer.

You are now Dr. Jeff Winger, Esq. You are an undead pterodactyl. You aren't sure how exactly your remains were reanimated, or why you felt a compulsion to go through both law school and medical school, but that's not important right now.

What's important is that for some reason you're trying to get to Oregon. It's going to be a long trip, you have to go there all the way from...

Wait. Where are you, again?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Jupiter's moon Ganymede. They have really good schools.

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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Northern California.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Oregon.
> This is the super easy mode.

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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A gun.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> You start in Hamper-Space, in the same position Oregon would be if you were in Normal-Space.
>> This is the Super Hard mode.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Jupiter's moon Ganymede. They have really good schools.

Northern California.

> Oregon.

A gun.

>> This is the Super Hard mode.

You are in Oregon City, in the nation of Northern California, on the moon Ganymede. Unfortunately, Oregon City is not the Oregon you're looking for.

Also unfortunately, you are standing in the barrel of an enormous gun that's about to fire. You have a severe allergy to giant bullets and will probably die again if you don't get out of here. Unfortunately, you're about halfway down the barrel and you don't think you can fly faster than a giant speeding bullet.

This might be a good time to come up with a plan. You graduated from both medical school and law school, surely you can apply your extensive education to this problem. But how?

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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Quickly, file a restraining order on the giant bullets!

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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SpoilerShow

An undead pterodactyl?

> Use your magical doctor powers to turn your allergy to giant bullets into an immunity.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Use your magical doctor powers to turn your allergy to giant bullets into an immunity.

You don't have magical doctor powers! You only went through medical school and law school, not magic school. You were considering it, but tuition was too expensive. Also, your expertise is mostly on teeth.

Quickly, file a restraining order on the giant bullets!

This, on the other hand, is a perfectly sensible option. You take out your phone and call the local police, and inform them that some giant bullets are trying to kill you and you would like to file a restraining order.

They tell you the paperwork will take three hours to fill out, and they'll need your signature and can you come down to the station?

You explain that you're in the barrel of a gun that's about to fire giant bullets and... oops, they just fired. And now you're dead.

You are now the Grim Reaper. A pterodactyl on Ganymede has just died after being undead. He is an accredited dentist and lawyer. Your job is to figure out where to send his soul.

So what afterlife is he going to?

Originally posted on MSPA by go4moo.

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A wintery Narnia full of puppies.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Tooth court - where he will swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth also it's a court

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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A wintery Narnia full of puppies.

Tooth court - where he will swear to tell the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth also it's a court

Ah, yes. The tooth court, a subdivision of Winter Puppyland. It is here that Dr. Jeff Winger, Esq. will be judged for his life and unlife. You drag him along and go back to work.

You are now Dr. Jeff Winger, Esq. once again. You are in the tooth court, where your life will be judged to determine where you spend the rest of the afterlife. Everyone in tooth court is a puppy, and it is very cold and magical in here.

"Woof?" the puppy judge asks you, an expectant and adorable expression on his face. You think he wants you to present your case.

What are you going to do?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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First thing you need to do is figure out what the laws and procedures are here. Specifically, if offering the judge and jurors tasty biscuits because they're good boys yes they are is illegal.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Make a motion that you should spend your afterlife in Oregon.

> Make a Motion, or something, to be sent to Oregon, USA, Earth.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> Ask them the way to Oregon.

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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You're undead. That means you're not legally allowed to be tried for death. Double jeopardy.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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You're undead. That means you're not legally allowed to be tried for death. Double jeopardy.

You're pretty sure that only means you can't be tried for the exact same crime twice. This is a different death than the one you originally had.

Although, you kind of remember being in an afterlife for a while, so presumably you were already judged for your first life. That means any judgement would be restricted in scope to how your behavior since your revival affected your standing.

You decide to ask for the record of your first trial, since you don't remember it very well. The judge barks appreciatively, and another puppy runs out to retrieve it. That said, you're still on the witness stand, so maybe you should do something while you wait.

First thing you need to do is figure out what the laws and procedures are here. Specifically, if offering the judge and jurors tasty biscuits because they're good boys yes they are is illegal.

Fortunately, you took a class in afterlife law. It was only an entry-level course, so you're not exactly an expert, but you know the basics. For one, the puppies of the Tooth Court are incorruptible, and will frown upon any efforts to bribe them to affect the verdict. However, they will accept gifts freely given, and this often reflects well on the giver. Except if you give them a gift in hopes that it will affect the outcome, they'll know. This won't necessarily hurt your case, but it definitely won't help it.

You decide to play it safe and not give them any gifts until after the decision. And of course you will at that point, because just look at those adorable ears!

> Make a Motion, or something, to be sent to Oregon, USA, Earth.

It occurs to you that you still have a chance to get to Oregon, if you can persuade the court that it's the proper afterlife for you. Of course, that will be easier with the transcript of your previous hearing...

Oh, hey, it just arrived. The judge gives you time to read through it before presenting your case.

...Wait. You did WHAT in your previous life? And they sent you WHERE?

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> You ate everything.
> They sent you to heaven.

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Dang, WHERE is all the way in the next galaxy over!

You shudder at remembering doing WHAT. WHAT a boring job that was.

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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You were Evil Batman, and you went to Antihero Hell.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> You ate everything.
> They sent you to heaven.

Dang, WHERE is all the way in the next galaxy over!

You shudder at remembering doing WHAT. WHAT a boring job that was.

You were Evil Batman, and you went to Antihero Hell.

Ah, yes, the memories are flowing back. WHAT. Your day job. It still fills you with distaste. That's probably what drew you to your second identity, the brutal vigilante known as Evil Batman. And also probably what drove you to eat pretty much everything in sight before you were shot down.

It was a pretty embarrassing way to end your first night as a brutal vigilante, honestly. The worst part wasn't even getting shot, it was knowing that Dark Vader got away from you.

In any case, Tooth Court passed judgement on you, even though you weren't yet either a dentist or a lawyer, and you were sent to WHERE, a distant afterlife over in the next galaxy. It was known in your business - your one night vigilante business, that is, not your WHAT business - as "Antihero Hell". The place was filled with fluffy clouds and cherubs and there weren't any guns, not even a single bullet. You couldn't even find so much as a drop of blood anywhere around.

And the harps. The horrible, soothing, beautiful, unbearable music of the harps. No wonder you repressed your memory of the afterlife, it was such an awful experience.

Well, now you've got to make your case that Oregon is the right afterlife for you. What's the plan?

Originally posted on MSPA by Whimbrel.

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Time to go on the Oregon Trail.

You'll need some oxen, spare clothes, a covered wagon, a musket, and a lot of ammunition.

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Portland's in Oregon, so all you have to do is convince them you're a hipster.