Consistency

>trust nothing but your strength

Mr. President Coco Jambo is your loving wife.

"Make sure the grabooba is full!"

Yes, you've decided to solve the puzzle and announce your solution proudly.

It turns out to be completely incorrect. In fact, the host is baffled by how you got that answer from "- B-RD -N -H- H-ND -- --R-H --- -N -H- B--H".

The entire studio audience starts laughing at you. The other contestants join in. This is ridiculously embarrassing. What are you going to do about it?

> Decide against the illogical course of action you had been considering; the only move that makes sense is to ram the castle at full speed on your flaming motorcycle backwards.

Man, what were you thinking? You'll never get your money out of the bank by taking your card to the ATM, that's just crazy talk. No, ramming a castle that's nowhere near the bank is the only solution, and a flaming motorcycle is the only tool for the job. And of course, you have to ride it backwards.

There's just one problem: You don't have a motorcycle, flaming or otherwise. And how are you going to get one when all your money's stuck in the bank?

Be "Like Mike."

-

t l a r-o c k

You chant the magic word "tlar-ock" to activate your transformation spell, turning you into the hideous creature known as a Like Mike. Now you can consume sounds spoken into a microphone!

This ability will obviously be essential in putting out the fire at the embassy. Yes, it's very clear how to use it. Absolutely, you know exactly what you're going to do next.

What is that, again? Not that you need a reminder, nope, definitely not, you just want to be sure you remember right, which obviously you do but it's good to double-check just in case. This was all a careful plan and not a spur-of-the-moment decision that you're beginning to regret, nope, not at all.

Summon Super Dave Osborne

You summon Super Dave Osborne, who drives right onto the battlefield. And past it. Into the field effect display.

He breaks the current field effect, which is "ALLOW SUMMONS", then disappears because summons are no longer allowed.

Well, now the next field effect is coming up. And on your opponent's turn. And... uh-oh, it's "WIN THIS UNLESS YOUR OPPONENT PULLS OFF A MIRACULOUS PLAY".

This could be bad. How are you going to handle this?

I'm 2 meat 2 die

You decide that the movie you're watching tonight is "I'm 2 meat 2 die". You think you might have heard a good review of it, maybe. Or a bad one. Either way, it's cheap to rent and you're bored, so why not.

You head over to the counter and the clerk glances at the case, then glares at you.

"You're really going to watch this," he says. There's a clear judgmental tone in his voice.

You tell him that yeah, that's your plan for the night.

"I'm sorry. In the interests of good taste, I can't allow you, or anyone else, to rent this movie. Seriously. I'm surprised we even have a copy, I thought I destroyed every one I came across."

Wow, what a jerk. But dang it, you made a completely arbitrary decision to watch this movie tonight and you're sticking to it!

So how are you going to convince him to let you rent it?

i am everything that ever was or ever will be

Yes, your name is i am everything that ever was or ever will be. i for short, because nobody wants to say that whole thing.

Unfortunately, the lawyer seems dissatisfied when you sign that on the contract.

"Is that really your name, sir?" he asks. "I would like to see some proof."

Ugh, you have to go through this every time you sign something. You reach for your wallet to show him your ID and...

Wait a minute, your wallet's gone! Well, that's just great. How are you supposed to prove your name now?

You simply say nothing. The Sphinx stares at you for a while, then chuckles.

"Very good. The answer to the riddle is Silence. You have passed."

Wow, that was lucky. Actually, you were just out of ideas.

In any case, the Sphinx's riddle has been solved, so you move forward and are greeted by a pungent smell as you enter the next room. Another terrifying beast stands before you; it resembles the Sphinx, but it's covered in dirt. It grins at you wickedly.

"So, you made it past my sister," the creature says. "But now you must face the Riddle of the Stinx! And that riddle is - what smells worse than me? Give the wrong answer, and I will devour you."

Ugh. If there's anything that smells worse than this guy, you don't want to know what it is.

So what are you going to say?

>trust nothing but your strength

Yeah, this tarot reading was just a mess. The Strength card is meaningful, the rest is just garbage.

Ugh, you're never going to be a top fortune-teller at this rate. You need to do a better job. You pull out another set of cards, getting Fool (reversed), Chariot (upright), Star (upright), Octopus (reversed), and Ace Of Clubs (face-down).

Well, dang it. What are you supposed to make out of this?

Mr. President Coco Jambo is your loving wife.

Perfect. You'll leave the enemy agent puzzling over this meaningless message for days! You sneak it into the dropoff point and then hide nearby. You can't wait to see the look on his face!

A few minutes later, he reaches into the dropoff point and pulls out your fake message. His eyes widen in fear.

"Goddammit," he says to himself. "Things are that bad? I... I never thought I'd have to pull something this drastic. Damn, damn, damn!"

He runs off in the direction of the Highly Dangerousco Explosives Factory. Well, this can't be anything good - apparently you accidentally left an emergency message. And whatever he's going to do next... well, you should probably try to stop him.

So what's the plan?

Meet Peter Capaldi.

Laff-A-Lympics

Philosophi-Kill Inc. is not responsible for any injury incurred by the use of its products, so tough luck, buddy!

Excise gold.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

a
vast
sea
of
ice
is
only
knee
deep

Once upon a time, there was a magical land known to all as

Meet Peter Capaldi.

Everyone was happy in the magical land of Meet Peter Capaldi, everyone except the evil wizard

Laff-A-Lympics

For you see, Laff-A-Lympics had an evil plan he couldn't carry out. This evil plan was to

Rig the 'Win a shopping trip with One Direction' contest so you win.

The plan was working just fine, right up until Laff-A-Lympics ran into a small problem. Namely,

Philosophi-Kill Inc. is not responsible for any injury incurred by the use of its products, so tough luck, buddy!

And so Laff-A-Lympics lost his lawsuit against Philosophi-Kill Inc., which meant he didn't have the money to spare on bribing contest officials. This meant that he needed to come up with a new plan, so he decided to

Excise gold.

More specifically, he decided to excise gold from birds, since birds in the land of Meet Peter Capaldi ate lots of gold and often laid golden eggs.

But he soon ran into a snag. As he did some research on the best birds to excise gold from, he discovered that

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"

That was a concern. It was a good deal easier to catch birds in the Bush region of Meet Peter Capaldi, but time was essential - the contest deadline was in only three days. The Hand region, by contrast, was a good deal more dangerous, as it was a vast hand-shaped sea of ice. But all the data suggested that the birds there had twice as much gold to excise, which would save him a lot of time.

In the end, Laff-A-Lympics decided to go to the Hand, where he discovered that the ice only went up to his knees. All he had to do was cast a spell warming his feet and lower legs, and he had nothing to fear. He easily caught enough Hand birds, excised their gold, and had plenty of time to bribe officials and rig the contest so he won the shopping trip with One Direction.

It was only after all the bribes had gone through and the contest had concluded that Laff-A-Lympics discovered he was the only one who had entered.

The moral of the story is,

a
vast
sea
of
ice
is
only
knee
deep

and also that nobody particularly likes One Direction.

Let's never talk about One Direction again.

Yeah, like 2gether!

Or Ein 4's Feld!

We're just having a conversation now.

So4mores in college

i heard that baskin robins has over 31 flavors of beer

I knew I was getting close to cracking the case. I just needed to ask a few more questions to my main suspects.

First up was the victim's widow. She had the most obvious motive - she stood to inherit his fortune. Of course, I also didn't have a clear idea of whether she'd really cared for him or not, so I decided to just ask her how she felt about him. She said,

Let's never talk about One Direction again.

That was all I really needed to hear from Mrs. Direction. I excused myself and decided to look for the butler.

It was no secret that the victim had treated him horribly, but he hadn't been working there for long and had plenty of other job prospects. Why bother murdering his current employer when he could just quit? Had the abuse been that terrible?

So I decided to ask him if any of the victim's actions had been especially traumatizing for him. He shook his head and said,

Especially not when there are other boy bands to swoon over.

Another very informative answer. I took a note of it, left, and consulted my suspect list again.

The business partner was next. There were rumors he and the victim had been close. Real close. As in "secret homosexual relationship" close. Might have lead to a passionate argument or something.

I didn't have much evidence, but I figured I'd heard enough that it was worth flat-out asking if the rumors were true. He said,

Yeah, like 2gether!

I hadn't been expecting such an enthusiastic response, but of course it didn't directly implicate him as the murderer. Still, it was an important piece of the puzzle. I thanked him for his time.

At this point, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what was going on here, but I felt like I needed a second opinion. So I called in my assistant and showed him my suspect list, and asked if he thought it was exhaustive enough. He glanced over it, nodded, then suddenly declared,

Or Ein 4's Feld!

And I realized that was a possibility I'd completely overlooked. Feld, the neighbor who had made the call in the first place. How was it, exactly, that he was the first one who noticed the murder?

So I decided to pay a visit to Ein 4 next door and ask Mr. Feld how exactly he was informed of Mr. Direction's murder, to which he replied,

We're just having a conversation now.

And then it became clear. Feld was a self-proclaimed psychic, claiming that he and One were talking at that very moment. Maybe he was for real, maybe it was bunk and he'd gotten lucky and decided to make that call just after the murder.

Or maybe he'd done the deed himself in hopes of making his psychic act seem better. To clear things up, I asked Feld if Mr. Direction had any idea who murdered him. Feld concentrated for a few minutes, and then told me, speaking in Direction's voice,

So4mores in college

Unfortunately, even if that was meaningful, it didn't help. There wasn't a single person involved in this case who wasn't currently taking their sophomore year in college.

Then it struck me - he'd used the plural. Did that mean there was more than one murderer? I tried to ask for clarification, but at that moment a gunshot rang through the air and Feld collapsed, clasping a hand to his chest.

Maybe I was on to something after all. I tried to help Feld, but he only said

i heard that baskin robins has over 31 flavors of beer

and then he died. You'd think a psychic would have seen that coming.

I felt like I was getting further from the answers, not closer. At the same time, I felt like if I looked over all the clues I had, something would fall into place. Maybe I just needed to check something again.

But what was it? Evidence? Testimony? The basic facts of the case?

What was I going to look at?

> open mailbox

an intelligent heart is one that can communicate and think for itself. Using its telepathic mind control, it could hypothetically gather an army large enough to take over the world. You must destroy it before this happens!

make a bong out of a beaker

Make a bonger out of a beak.

88 Lines About 44 Women

It's time to take Presidential action. The first step to saving the nation - and also the world, that's important too - from these monsters is to...

> open mailbox

...open your mailbox and see if anyone's got any suggestions to offer. Seriously, you need all the help you can get. The first letter says:

an intelligent heart is one that can communicate and think for itself. Using its telepathic mind control, it could hypothetically gather an army large enough to take over the world. You must destroy it before this happens!

Is this trying to tell you that an intelligent heart is controlling these monsters? Or is it just junk mail? Oh well, you can send some agents into the past to investigate. The possibility.

Regardless, now that you've done the important task of checking your Presidential mail, it's time to boldly take action!

make a bong out of a beaker

Namely, by making a bong out of a beaker. Because man, with this kind of crazy stuff going on, you really need to mellow out. So you persuade Congress to spend millions on research and development to convert a beaker into a bong. With that done, you move onto the next step.

make a beaker out of that bong

That being the part where you realize the bong is useless to you. Being skeletal, you don't actually have a body chemistry to affect - which raises questions as to how exactly you got that hangover, you really should try to get in touch with that ugly scientist again.

So having concluded this, you get Congress to approve millions more in research to turn the bong back into a beaker.

This has really been a productive session! You should try to keep up the momentum.

Make a bonger out of a beak.

You then get Congress to approve millions more in research to make a bonger out of a beak. You have no idea what that actually means but you're sure it will be helpful in the fight against the monsters from the depths of the Atlantic HOLY CRAP IS THAT ONE RIGHT OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW?

Yes. Yes, it is. And it is terrifying. But you are the President, and you are not letting some monstrosity from the depths of the Atlantic Ocean get the better of you! You run up to the window and boldly shout out

88 Lines About 44 Women

and by the time you finish the 88th line, the White House is a smoldering wreck. Well, that didn't work out like you'd hoped.

You're going to need a new plan. What is it?