Consistency

this isn't even an actual problem. you don't have to do anything

"THEY ARE ALL SHLUBS!" you think.

give me 50 and i'll get it pregnant

Color outside the lines.

Install every mod.

Hammerman, Hammer
Hammerman, Hammer

Punch your roommate in the face.

> Do that. No, not that, that.

this isn't even an actual problem. you don't have to do anything

Well, no. But if you don't do anything it's going to be tough to justify charging as much as you are. You've got to at least look like you're fixing it. Admittedly there isn't really anything to fix, but again, you can't exactly tell the client that.

The only thing you can think of is to spout indecipherable technobabble as a diversion while pretending to actually do something with the device, without actually moving anything or taking out any wires or anything.

Unfortunately, you were never very good at coming up with indecipherable technobabble. So now you need a plan to stall for time while you come up with some technobabble so you can stall for time until you claim you've fixed the problem that doesn't actually exist.

Now, just how are you going to do that?

"THEY ARE ALL SHLUBS!" you think.

You think it as hard as you can. The inquisitor simply stares at you.

Really? All of them? The entire orchestra? he thinks at you. You claim that there is an entire orchestra of Shlubs working to undermine us, and somehow we failed to notice this? Do you actually have any evidence of this absurd claim, prisoner? Or are you simply desperate enough to tell us preposterous stories in hopes that we may release you?

Great, looks like you're in even more trouble now. Unless you can think up some good evidence to show him, and fast.

give me 50 and i'll get it pregnant

You make the offer, smiling as hard as you can. But the potential customer just stares at you awkwardly.

"I honestly can't see why I would want a pregnant fifty-dollar bill, and I neither know nor want to know exactly how you would impregnate it," he says, after an uncomfortable silence.

Okay, this is it. This could make or break the sale. He's skeptical, but also clearly curious. You just need to give him a good explanation that assuages his doubts.

So what are you going to tell him?

Color outside the lines.

Ah, of course! You can paint the floor between the lines, and you won't have to close down the store. You just need to keep the customers off the wet paint all day. Well, that shouldn't be too hard, right?

But now you're faced with a very difficult and important decision. Just what color of paint are you going to use?

Install every mod.

Of course! That's why your message board of artificial intelligences is such a disaster, you forgot to install any moderator intelligences! You quickly do that so everything can be fixed before it gets any worse. You then head off to bed, excited to see the results in the morning.

When you wake up, you discover that two of the moderator intelligences have started a civil war, a third is simply spouting highly offensive political opinions in every thread, and the fourth has broken down in virtual tears. Somehow the perfect solution didn't work out as expected.

Well, what are you going to do now?

Hammerman, Hammer
Hammerman, Hammer

Right, yeah. Hammerman and Hammer will go in the main team, and Hammerman and Hammer will go in the team that's rescuing the hostages.

That leaves Hammerman and Hammer. If you just leave them with nothing to do, they're sure to get into trouble. So what kind of mission can you give them to keep them busy?

Punch your roommate in the face.

Oh, yes, that's a practical solution. Why didn't you think of that earlier? It's not like your roommate is an entire alternate universe where not a single living being has a face or anything like that OH WAIT YES SHE IS.

So if you're going to insist on this course of action, you'd better have a plan for how you punch something that doesn't have a face in the face.

Well? Do you?

> Do that. No, not that, that.

But you already did that! Twice, even! Right after you did that, then before you did that. You really can't do that again, at least not unless you can figure out how to do that and that first.

While you consider that, they do that and oh great, now you really can't do that. You're out of options, looks like you'll have to do... this.

But just what is this, exactly?

TEE EMM EYE TOOOOOOOOOZ DAAAAAAAAAAAY

Resist the urge to kill Hitler. I mean, sure you've got a gun, but don't do it, man. He isn't even looking. There's a convenient way to escape unnoticed. But don't do it. It'd be easy. Nobody else has or ever will have the same opportunity as you so it is vital that you do not kill Hitler.

Nichijoint: My Ordinary Weed, the album by the awkward Seals!

Throw a jar of mayonnaise at your roommate.

> Defenestrate

get me pregnant and i'll give it 50

apach

TEA EL AY AR-UH-OH CEE KAY

Contemplate the nature of Extenz.

TEE EMM EYE TOOOOOOOOOZ DAAAAAAAAAAAY

Yes, your name is TEE EMM EYE TOOOOOOOOOZ DAAAAAAAAAAAY. Of course, the cultural reasons for why you have three middle names and so many O's and A's are extremely obvious to anyone who has been paying attention from the beginning.

Now that you have established such an obvious fact as your name, you will proceed to the next obvious step of stating your interests, even though they would be immediately apparent to anyone who took one look at you. That is because your interests are...

Resist the urge to kill Hitler. I mean, sure you've got a gun, but don't do it, man. He isn't even looking. There's a convenient way to escape unnoticed. But don't do it. It'd be easy. Nobody else has or ever will have the same opportunity as you so it is vital that you do not kill Hitler.

...oh, dammit, not again. While you were explaining obvious things to a hypothetical audience, you found yourself slipping through a spacetime portal to the Earth nation of Germany in the 1920s, and somehow you ended up with a gun in your hand.

And Hitler is right over there, not even looking at you. Dammit, you could shoot him right now, why does this always happen at the most inconvenient times?

No, no, you've read all the stories about time paradoxes, and about how killing Hitler always causes disasters that aren't even limited to his own universe, you know that you can't kill him.

And yet, his exposed back beckons. I mean, look, he's even got a target on the back of his shirt for some reason, how ridiculous is that?

But no. You are not going to kill Hitler. You are going to explain your interests to him.

Nichijoint: My Ordinary Weed, the album by the awkward Seals!

You inform Hitler that your INTERESTS include Nichijoint: My Ordinary Weed, the album by the awkward Seals. He is very surprised to hear this, saying he thought he was the only one with an INTEREST in that particular album.

He then sees that you have a gun, and calls out for help.

One intense chase scene and three hilarious misunderstandings, you and Hitler somehow end up as roommates. And you still haven't explained your second interest to him yet!

But now he's telling you about the new book he's writing, and god, he JUST WON'T SHUT UP. And you still have this gun, but no, you can't shoot him. What the hell are you supposed to do about this?

Throw a jar of mayonnaise at your roommate.

Oh, of course! Lethal violence isn't an option, but nonlethal violence definitely is! You grab a jar of mayonaisse from the fridge and are about to hurl it at Hitler, when he suddenly protests that he has a fatal allergy to mayonnaise.

Well, great. You've got this jar all ready to throw, but you can't kill Hitler. So what are you supposed to do with it? In fact, why do you even have this around, you don't eat mayo and Hitler's apparently got fatal allergies.

> Defenestrate

You resolve the conundrum by flinging the mayonnaise jar out the window. With that settled, you decide that now is the perfect time to tell Hitler about your second INTEREST.

However, just as you are about to explain it, Hitler interrupts you and says...

get me pregnant and i'll give it 50

And you have no idea what he's talking about. You are fairly sure that your species cannot impregnate humans, and you are 67 percent certain that Hitler is a male human who cannot be impregnated. And what is he offering to give 50?

You're about to ask him for explanation, but suddenly, someone appears out of nowhere and shoots him. And you didn't get a chance to explain your second INTEREST! Just who is this rude stranger?

apach

Oh, it's apach, that dumb guy from a lower social caste, a social caste banned from using capital letters and so uneducated that they probably don't know about the inevitable disastrous consequences of killing Hitler. What is he doing here?

Oh. He's presenting you with Hitler's corpse. Apparently he is proposing that you mate.

While he is of a lower social caste that you are forbidden to associate with in any way, and he has just committed the grave spatio-temporal offense of killing Hitler, and also presented you with a corpse as opposed to a ring like a sensible member of a sensible social caste, you have to admit he's pretty cute.

And so, based on that decisive argument, you accept his proposal. You are wed immediately on your return to your home spacetime, and a standard-year later you produce offspring. apach asks what you will name your child, and you reply...

TEA EL AY AR-UH-OH CEE KAY

The reasons for this choice of name would be immediately apparent to anyone of your social caste, of course. apach does not understand, but that is because he is of a lower social caste and not because the standards of your social caste make no sense.

Now that you have been wed for a standard-year, however, it occurs to you that you still haven't explained what your second INTEREST is. apach, however, seems too preoccupied with his own INTERESTS, so you decide to explain it to the child.

At this point, however, you realize that you never developed a second INTEREST, and now you must decide what to do about this grave violation of social law.

Contemplate the nature of Extenz.

Your considerations on the matter lead you to contemplate the nature of Extenz. What is this word? Could it, perhaps, be your second INTEREST? You look expectantly at TEA EL AY AR-UH-OH CEE KAY, as though this newly-spawned child holds all the answers to life's mysteries.

You are now TEA EL AY AR-UH-OH CEE KAY. You have just been spawned, and you hold all the answers to life's mysteries. However, you are far too young to understand said answers or the mysteries they are the answers to. What will you do?

"Make sure the grabooba is full!"

> Decide against the illogical course of action you had been considering; the only move that makes sense is to ram the castle at full speed on your flaming motorcycle backwards.

Be "Like Mike."

-

t l a r-o c k

Summon Super Dave Osborne

I'm 2 meat 2 die

i am everything that ever was or ever will be