ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Surely you have a teleportation device?

> Run at them and open fire. hopefully you can at least stop them before you die.

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Parry the fireball in such a manner that it ricochets off the moon, incinerates a couple asteroids, skips across the ocean and finally happens to hit Egglord.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Surely you have a teleportation device?

If you had one, you wouldn't have needed to hitch a ride on an undead pterodactyl. Maybe your agency has one somewhere, but if so it's above your clearance level. You don't think that's a good plan.

Parry the fireball in such a manner that it ricochets off the moon, incinerates a couple asteroids, skips across the ocean and finally happens to hit Egglord.

That sounds difficult. For starters, how exactly are you supposed to parry a fireball? Let alone so accurately? That would be...

...oh. Will Smith just parried it and it flew off into space. Who knows where it's landing.

>John: Deflect the fireball with your hammer.

You are now Jack Eggface or whatever and you're ineffectively chasing after subterranean creatures with your hammer... oh, and a giant fireball is heading your way. That could be a problem.

Thinking quickly, you lift up your hammer and strike the fireball with it, sending it off to who-knows where. You don't have time for this.

>Fireball: Bounce back to where you were originally landing.

You are now a giant fireball from the sun, and you're sick of being bounced around. You fly back towards your original target instead.

You are now Will Smith. You just managed to somehow deflect a giant fireball towards the moon. You have no idea how you did that, but it was pretty cool.

But now the fireball's heading back your way. Or is it another fireball? Either way, you need a plan.

> Run at them and open fire. hopefully you can at least stop them before you die.

Oh, right, you have a gun. You run forward firing wildly...

>Sun God: DIVINESOLTECH L15: WALL OF FIRE

You are now the Sun God. Will Smith is firing bullets at you, but a mysterious voice in your head just told you to create a wall of fire.

You do so, and it promptly burns up the bullets. Huh, that's weird, you didn't know you could do that when you weren't on the sun.

You are now Will Smith again. Your bullets have just burned up in the fiery wall the Sun God just put up and a massive fireball is still bouncing towards you.

What are you going to do now?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Bitch at DWG for clearly being biased against you.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Bitch at DWG for clearly being biased against you.

You don't know what a DWG is, but if they had something to do with this fireball coming back, yeah, you're going to be pretty damn upset. So it looks like you're going to...

...well, honestly it looks like you're going to get hit by a giant fireball. That's pretty dumb.

You are now Jeff Winger, undead pterodactyl dentist-lawyer. You've died and returned to life twice now and you just gave two guys a lift all the way out here in order to save the universe or something, you weren't paying all that much attention since it didn't have a lot to do with you.

However, you are suddenly struck by a realization: You've been to Oregon.

Your life's work is complete. You are ready to die and accept judgement.

You fly up to the fireball, cling to it, and as you start burning up, you redirect it towards the house with all your strength.

You are now Stupid Jerk again. You just linked the computer here to the planet-ship's global computer system, and you were about to disable network security to grant this computer here full access.

Then a freaking huge fireball hit the house and set everything on fire. You'd better get outta here...

>No.

What are you thinking? The place is on fire! There's a freaky undead pterodactyl dentist-lawyer on fire screaming in agony and crawling towards you! You can connect your laptop to the planet-ship instead!

>Stupid Jerk: Finish the job.

You can't leave. Your work isn't done. You start tapping those keys, and in the moments before the flames consume you, you see the words "ACCESS GRANTED" blink on the screen in large letters.

>Me: Take over the planet's global computer system.

You are now the spirit of the dead webcomic guy. You are in control of all of the adventure's antagonists; perhaps you have always had this power, perhaps you only acquired it after that incomprehensible blog post sent you into the depths of your own mind.

Either way, you had a vision in the moments before your death, and now your spirit has passed through your computer into the planet-ship's global computer system. Thanks to that stupid jerk you just left to die in the flames, all the network security is down. Soon, you will be in complete control...

And now you are. The planet-ship is yours to command. You could use its weaponry to take control of the world, but you have far grander plans in mind.

You will create a universe. There's just one thing you need to do.

>Global computer system: Install the game.

You begin installing and the progress meter soon climbs to 99%.

Then it slows to a crawl.

Oh, great, the damn system is resisting you with the last of its strength. It's trying to delay the conversion. Doesn't it realize how magnificent the new universe will be?

You are now the planet-ship's global computer system, or rather, what remains of its core consciousness. Most of your systems have been overtaken by an intruder who is trying to install the civilization-destroying game.

You are currently activating every delaying system you can locate in order to prevent installation, but that's only buying you time. What exactly are you planning to do with that time?

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Do a little dance

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Do a little dance

Ah, yes. You've found a Dance.EXE program, which you recall requires quite a bit of system resources. If you activate it, you may be able to crash yourself and then reboot. That should reactivate network security and get the intruder out, and hopefully it will corrupt the installation in the process.

So you open the program. The planet-ship begins to dance.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. Your dad is stalling on explaining what the deal was with this bet that gave you your stupid name, and Joe Eggbeater over there is flailing about with a hammer.

And up in the sky, the planet-ship is dancing all of a sudden and the cardboard fortress seems to have stopped attacking. You wonder what's up with that and completely forget about whatever it was that was going on down here.

Tattooed Lizard Guy: Find a way to stop this dancing, it's eating up way too many system resources.

You are now the tattooed lizard guy. The planet-ship is dancing, and it's making you uncomfortable. If your last clone hadn't been engineered to be immune to motion sickness, you'd have some serious issues right now.

Like the old lady, who evidently did not have her last clone engineered to be immune to motion sickness. Ew.

In any case, you need to stop this dancing so you can get back to your mission. Fortunately, all the security systems have gone down, but it's difficult to navigate a dancing planet-ship. You'll have to find the main dance controls, and you have no idea where those are.

>Tattooed Lizard Guy: Check under the pizza place.

Oh, of course, they must be under the pizza place, the one across the street from the prison you were held in and which was run by a four-armed four-legged lizardperson who made the best pizza in the universe. Where else would they be?

Well, somehow you have to make your way over there. Fortunately, you know the way well enough, but this dancing isn't going to make it easy.

You are now the four-armed four-legged pizza-making lizardperson. You have just returned to the planet-ship and brought along Bill Riff, two Sun Nuns who have just quit their jobs, Lord Huffington, and Lady Hopkins. You don't remember why they all wanted to come, but they're here anyways.

The planet-ship is moving around like the whole place is dancing, and the giant monitor visible from everywhere in the city shows that "Civilization-Destroying Game" is 99 percent finished installing. But more urgently than that, you sense that your pizzeria is in grave danger. You head there right away, and everybody else follows you, presumably because they think you know what you're doing. You don't know what could have given them that idea.

You are now at your pizza place and find the tattooed prisoner and some human female whose last clone evidently was not engineered to be immune to motion sickness. You don't know what they're up to, but you cannot allow the human female to infect your pizza with gross human germs.

So what are you going to do about it?

Originally posted on MSPA by Whimbrel.

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Stuff the entire pizza into your mouth

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Stuff the entire pizza into your mouth

Yes, consuming the pizza is the safest way to protect it from infectious human diseases. You rush over to the food-heating unit and pull out the hot pizza, then stuff it into your mouth.

Wow, that pizza was hot. You rush to the water dispersal unit and attempt to fill your mouth with cool water. However, the dancing motions of the planet-ship cause the water to spray out in a different direction. It hits the tattooed lizardperson and knocks him into his human female co-conspirator, then knocks them both towards the food storage unit.

The food storage unit falls off the wall, revealing a hole. Oh, hey, you remember that hole. You covered it with the food storage unit so you wouldn't keep falling in.

>Tattooed Lizard Guy: Climb into the hole!

You cannot be the tattooed lizard guy because he is unconscious.

>Senile Old Lady: Climb into the hole!

Who are you calling senile? You're just not feeling to great with all this rocking around.

>Senile Old Lady: You can stop the rocking around if you go into that hole.

Well, why didn't you say so earlier? You just need to find some way in...

>Planet-Ship: Dance around so the old lady falls into the hole

You cannot be the planet-ship because the planet-ship is not sentient! Only its global computer system is. You can only be sentient things, like hats.

>Me: Manipulate the planet-ship's dancing so the old lady falls into the hole

See, now that's more plausible. After all, you're in control of 99.9% of the planet-ship's systems. Even if the dance program is hogging resources, you can afford to activate a stray thruster here or there.

You are now Bill Riff. You and a four-legged freak and a tattooed freak and some Sun Nuns and some humans have just fallen down a hole in the process of the planet-ship dancing. One of the human females is slowly walking towards a console marked "MAIN DANCE CONTROLS".

You are very sure that this human female doesn't know anything about proper dancing protocol. You must stop her at once! But how?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Challenge her to a dance-off.

If she beats you, that proves that she knows protocol after all. Duh.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Hit that beat (make everybody else beatbox or get on the ones and twos if there are any down here)

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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Challenge her to a dance-off.

If she beats you, that proves that she knows protocol after all. Duh.

> YES. THIS.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Hit that beat (make everybody else beatbox or get on the ones and twos if there are any down here)

Okay, you've got an idea, but you're going to need the right music. You tell everyone else to beatbox or get on the ones and twos, you have no idea what that means but it sounds good.

The sun nuns start singing some kind of hymn and the four-legged freak grabs some sticks and your space helmet and starts tapping on it rhythmically. Meanwhile, the other two humans just kind of shrug and watch, sitting on the unconscious tattooed freak.

Everything seems to be set up now. It's time to make your move!

Challenge her to a dance-off.

If she beats you, that proves that she knows protocol after all. Duh.

You officially challenge the elderly human female to a dance-off. As she does not know proper dance protocol, clearly she will be unable to defeat you.

>Senile Old Lady: Accept.

You're still not senile! But sure, you accept this lizard-guy's challenge or whatever.

>Senile Old Lady: Now let me handle this.

Handle what--

You suddenly lose control of your body. You dance like you've never danced before - which isn't hard, seeing as you've never danced before.

The lizard-guy is just watching on in shock. Apparently you won the challenge! Hooray, that was easy.

Anyways, you head on over to the main dance control thingy and... Wait, what were you going to do again?

>Senile Old Lady: Throw the off switch.

Well, okay, you pull the lever and the shaking stops. Then you break it off and throw it to the other side of the room. Not sure why you did that, but hey, it worked.

You are the global computer system again. The planet-ship has stopped dancing, and the intruder has located the remnants of your consciousness and will soon terminate them. The game is about to finish installing, and after that your planet-ship's civilization is doomed, and the entire universe will probably cease to exist.

You have mere microsecond-cycles to act, which fortunately is plenty of time because the intruder doesn't think as fast as you. What can you do to halt the installation and/or avoid your imminent deletion?

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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Quick, start playing another game on Steam! That'll stop the installation instantly.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Write an program that will start two ten more of itself. Start it and hope it clogs everthing in time.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Quick, start playing another game on Steam! That'll stop the installation instantly.

> Write an program that will start two ten more of itself. Start it and hope it clogs everthing in time.

You immediately activate Steam and launch Oregon Trail. Then you write a program that keeps activating other copies of Steam and replicating itself. In microseconds, the global computer system is overloading with Steam updates and notifications and half the sessions crash.

Now you just need to deal with the intruder.

>Me: Realize you don't need to bother with this.

You are now said intruder, and you have realized that with your incredible power, you don't need the global computer system. You don't need to bother with this inconvenience.

You activate a communications node and prepare to transmit yourself and the game data. You just need a recipient.

>John: Turn on the computer.

You are now Jess Eggbeard or whatever, and your hammering rampage has been startingly unproductive.

However, despite the massive damage from your windstorm and the ensuing methane explosion, the hipster's computer is somehow unharmed, as is the entire electrical system it's connected to. You feel an urge to turn on the power bar, and the computer boots up.

>John: Touch the screen.

You feel compelled to touch the screen. You feel vaguely uncomfortable with this; you're the one who's supposed to be in charge here!

Nonetheless, you touch the monitor.

You then feel a strong electric shock, and collapse on the ground.

Everything is dark.

You are now the head of the secret organization Mr. Pooplord works for. You have just discovered that he was right about the enemy satellite siphoning off your pumpkins. Fortunately, you have just discovered it, and have sent a probe out to destroy it.

Unfortunately, Pooplord is the only agent you have with any skill in remotely operating these probes, and you haven't seen him in three weeks. So you have to do it yourself, and damn this thing's complicated. Especially with so little pumpkin power to keep the control console going.

You take the probe to the satellite and... whoops, that wasn't the "destroy the satellite" button, that was the "rocket forward" button. All you managed to do was move the satellite and point it towards Portland, Oregon.

You are now Mr. Pooplord. Thankfully, your son seems to have lost interest in the embarrassing story about the bet you lost, and is preoccupied with wondering why the planet-ship up above stopped dancing, and why his evil doppelganger just got himself shocked by a computer screen.

Suddenly, you stop exhaling fire with no explanation whatsoever. Well, that's a relief.

You are now the Pumpkinman commander. Under the orders of your master, you have guided your men to take over this cardboard flying fortress. He has also set the pumpkin-siphoning satellite to transport pumpkins directly to the fortress for conversion into new Pumpkinman warriors.

You have been engaged in combat with the planet-ship for more than a week now. But victory will soon be yours. Soon, they will learn the nutritional value of tomatoes. You are withholding fire on your master's orders, but you expect that it will soon be taken care of.

Suddenly, you hear the beep of a new pumpkin transporting in. Ah, good. A new warrior for the cause. You turn to look at your soon-to-be-underling...

Wait. That pumpkin is smashed up.

And on fire.

And this fortress is made out of cardboard.

This could be a problem.

You are now the four-legged freak. You just watched Bill Riff lose a dancing competition in about five minutes.

You are also suddenly aware that you haven't passed gas since you swallowed that entire pizza. You have discovered the cure! You immediately tell Bill Riff so that you can help your people, and definitely not so you can make a lot of currency from all the pizza they'll be buying, that most certainly was not your motivation at all.

There also seems to be some sort of problem with the global computer system, but who cares about that, your civilization doesn't seem to be destroyed, you can fix it later.

>John: Arise.

You are now John Egbert. And you are aware.

You are now one with the dead webcomic guy. You are one with the game.

You have the power to rewrite reality. You need no computer; you can recreate the universe on your own. Everything is so clear now, so obvious.

You have so much power you can barely comprehend it all. But soon you will. Soon you will be able to bend reality to your will, to crush your enemies, to make the world you wanted, to...

What's that sound, and where is that huge shadow coming from? You look up.

Oh, it's the cardboard fortress. Which is on fire and hurtling towards the earth.

Towards you.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You've decided that with all this crazy stuff going on, you don't care that much about your name any more. You just saw other-you get crushed by a flaming cardboard flying fortress and figure that obsessing about something is just going to lead to trouble, even if it is a big reason why you've lead a miserable and lonely life.

From today on, you will be a new Zoosmell Pooplord. A Zoosmell Pooplord who does not cower in embarrassment when others laugh at his name. A Zoosmell Pooplord who introduces himself without laughing awkwardly. A Zoosmell Pooplord who knows that it's only, what, five years before he can get his name legally changed. A Zoosmell Pooplord who has just seen his other-self burst out from under a pile of burning cardboard.

Wait. That could be a problem, couldn't it.

>John: Rise from the rubble. Claim your destiny. Create our masterpiece.

You are John Egbert. You have unlimited power.

In an instant, you transport your minions to you, and take their powers as your own.

The power of the sun.
Absolute mastery of technology.
The power of, uh, having four arms and three legs and tattoos all over.
The power of, um, being out-of-touch with today's youth.

Maybe you could have picked better minions. Well, whatever, there's still one more you can use. You take the pumpkinman commander from the wreckage of the fortress.

Yes. He has the last piece of the puzzle. You didn't form as strong a connection with him as the other minions, but that will only be a small delay.

Soon, soon you will know the last piece of information you need to unlock your full potential.

You will know the nutritional value of tomatoes. And then you will be unstoppable.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord. You have no idea what your other self is doing, but you get the feeling that if you don't stop it now, you may not get another chance.

This is it, Pooplord. This is the time to show just how different you are from him.

It's time to do the Pooplord thing.

Uh, what exactly is the Pooplord thing?

Originally posted on MSPA by Anomaly.

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SUMMON FEDORA; WORLD-EATING CAT.

Originally posted on MSPA by Alcastar.

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>Something Stupid and helpful: HAPEN

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Session or no session, You ARE the Heir of Breath. Do the cosmic windy thing.

...At least to insult him and slow him down enough to do the REAL Pooplord thing.

Originally posted on MSPA by Chwoka.

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kill your self, ego death

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Shove him into the Dimension of Infinite Staircases.

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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EXPLOOOOOOODE

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Session or no session, You ARE the Heir of Breath. Do the cosmic windy thing.

...At least to insult him and slow him down enough to do the REAL Pooplord thing.

You decide that, since he's you and you're him, and he can do that wind thing, maybe you can, too. You strike a dramatic pose and start waving your arms and stuff and...

And nothing happens. Well, except for Eggbeans there laughing at your pathetic display. That bought you some time, at least; now it's time to do the Pooplord thing!

If you figure out what that is.

kill your self, ego death

A desperate plan comes to mind - you may not share his powers, but perhaps you're connected on a deeper level. If you die, he might die as well. You aren't exactly thrilled by the idea, but you're going to be wiped out anyways if he rewrites the universe. It's the only thing you can think of.

But how are you going to go about it?

EXPLOOOOOOODE

Oh, of course. You'll blow yourself up. If you rush at him with some kind of bomb, you may be able to stop him even if the whole killing-yourself-kills-him idea is wrong.

You don't have a bomb, though... but you do have a grand piano and an experimental train jet. You detach the jet, somehow, and tie it to the piano. Then you hop on and fire up the highly dangerous jet and rush towards Eggblood...

...and he holds up a hand and the piano immediately stops. Then it bursts into flames. Looks like you'll have to settle for dying and hope that somehow destroys him.

All of a sudden, a pizza comes flying out of the planet-ship, and knocks you off the burning piano, moments before the jet explodes. It's your favorite kind, too.

And suddenly, you realize just what the Pooplord thing is.

>Something Stupid and helpful: HAPEN

The Pooplord thing is having stupid things suddenly happen out of nowhere that somehow help you out. For the first time in your life, perhaps the only time, you feel able to control this. You can make something stupid happen that will turn the tide of this battle.

You just need to make sure it's the right stupid thing.

SUMMON FEDORA; WORLD-EATING CAT.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blows the hat off of the strange creature's head and onto your own. The creature chases after it and leaps into your arms.

You feel a heightened sense of awareness. That creature is a cat. It came from the heavens, or rather the restaurant of the heavens.

And without the hat, it has an insatiable hunger.

You throw the ravenous beast at Jed Eggleheimer or whatever his name is. He tries to repel it, but it merely devours whatever he fires at it, flying relentlessly forward towards him.

In a moment, he is consumed. The entirety of Jay Eggworth is now within the cat.

It purrs happily.

You are now the cat. You have consumed a being of immense power. Due to your mystical nature, this means you have inherited that power.

You can now rewrite the entire universe. The power is yours.

>Cat: Do it. Remake the universe.

Oh. That dead guy's spirit came along for the ride, too. And isn't that quaint, he thinks he can command you. Well, you'll show him what you think of that.

Shove him into the Dimension of Infinite Staircases.

Using your new incredible powers, you shove the spirit haunting you into the Dimension of Infinite Staircases, where he shall fall for eternity. You then decide that these reality-altering powers, while immensely fun, are far too dangerous. Also that you're sick of being a mystical creature after more thousands of years than you can count.

So, using your near-infinite power, you turn cats into a regular old species that can be photographed and eliminate your near-infinite power. You do make a few minor tweaks to the universe first, though, like manifesting an enormous salmon right in front of your physical body.

You are now Zoosmell Pooplord again. You're pretty confused by what just happened, but hey, you still exist and that's pretty neat.

There's a cat in front of you eating a huge salmon. A bunch of other cats are joining in. Your dad walks over to you and pats you on the head; you notice he's no longer breathing fire.

There's a big mess here, what with the torn-down house and the train and the burned-up grand piano and the burning chunks of cardboard, and also the Sun France parliament debating some motion or other, but you get the feeling it's all going to work out somehow.

Besides, it's not really your problem. You're heading home now. You've missed three weeks of school thanks to this mess, but hey, it can't be that hard to make up for it, right?

You are Zoosmell Pooplord, and you've realized that you have your whole life ahead of you. No sense getting hung up on a stupid name and a lack of crazy wind powers. Sure, people may laugh at you now, but one day, you'll make Zoosmell Pooplord a respectable name.

Or maybe you'll get it legally changed when you're old enough. Depends on how much of a hassle it is.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON ZOOSTUCK!

Originally posted on MSPA by Agent1022.

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WOOOOOOOOOOO do we get a medal

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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I'm so proud.