Nopor Puss Advice Column

Hello! I'm Nopor Puss, and I have no reason to introduce my new advice column by plagiarizing the intro to another advice column which has nothing to do with this one. So that's what I'm going to do!

By a Grandmaster, for grandmasters!

Hello! I'm the Columnist. I've heard that many omnicidal maniacs out there have been experiencing issues running eight person battles to the death across the multiverse, and running their affairs in general. No worries, I'm here to help!

All you aspiring grandmasters, just ask me a question, and I'll make sure to respond and give you the best answers possible! Thanks for reading XOXO

-The Columnist

Dear NPAC
HOW DO I GET PANTS

-Pantless Pat

Dear Panting Pete,

The solution is to steal six hundred pairs of pants and staple them to the walls of your castle. Be sure to tell all the guards to go to the tavern first so that the castle will be undefended while you do this important task.

Sincerely,
Your Great-Aunt Eleanor

Dear Nopor Puss:

What is your favorite soliloquy from Shakespeare's plays?

- Anomalous Contributor

Dear Nopor Puss,

I couldn't think of a letter to write.

Dear Nopor Puss:

What is your favorite soliloquy from Shakespeare's plays?

- Anomalous Contributor

Q.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I couldn't think of a letter to write.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd."

Dear Nopor Puss,

Could you please not answer my question?

- Colin Tradictory

Dear Nopor Puss,

What's your favorite brand of fruit crate?

Nopor Puss,

Please cease and desist. You have copied content from GAC, which is a violation of copyright law. Remove the content immediately.

-GAC.

Dear Nopor Puss,

Could you please not answer my question?

- Colin Tradictory

Once upon a time, there was a talking wallaby. But he never had anything to say, so no one else was aware of his gift.

He lived an unremarkable life in Australia and he was happy with it.

Dear Nopor Puss,

What's your favorite brand of fruit crate?

Once upon a time, a powerful wizard came to Australia and announced that he was going to cast a spell turning the entire continent into a quicksand pit. Then he heard a voice behind him. It said, "You shouldn't do that, it's a bad idea."

The wizard turned around, but he only saw a wallaby standing there. He concluded the voice must have been his conscience and decided not to cast the spell after all. He went on to have a highly successful career as an opera singer.

Nopor Puss,

Please cease and desist. You have copied content from GAC, which is a violation of copyright law. Remove the content immediately.

-GAC.

Once upon a time, there was a once-famous opera singer. He was incredibly jealous of the new famous opera singer who everyone loved. He went to Australia and announced that he was going to turn everyone into talking wallabies.

"That's silly," said a voice behind him.

The famous opera singer looked behind him and saw only a quicksand pit. He concluded that the talking quicksand pit was right, it was a silly plan. So he didn't go through with it.

He went on to have a highly successful career as an evil wizard.

Once upon a time, there was a quicksand pit with a talking wallaby in it. The wallaby didn't think it was worth calling out for help, so he just sank into the quicksand and died.

DEAR NOPOR PUSS

HOW DO YOU SPELL NOPOR PUSS

SINCERELY, THE CAPS LOCK GUY

Dear Nopor Puss,

Um.

Yours,

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit. I don't think it's particuarly worth attempting to shout for help. How should I spend my last moments in life?

- A talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a forum adventure author/main character, and I keep finding myself thrust into a variety of unpleasant and highly, highly painful situations. I was just wondering, from one adventure protagonist to another, how one goes about avoiding things like, say, being dropped out of the sky by an eagle and crashing into a swimming pool at terminal velocity. Or if I can't avoid such situations, how can I go about mitigating the damage to my precious, precious skeleton?

-Bruised and Battered in Eagle Town

DEAR NOPOR PUSS

HOW DO YOU SPELL NOPOR PUSS

SINCERELY, THE CAPS LOCK GUY

Scholtenheim Reinbach III.

Dear Nopor Puss,

Um.

Yours,

Ooh! Thanks! I've always wanted one of these! So I'll throw it out now.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit. I don't think it's particuarly worth attempting to shout for help. How should I spend my last moments in life?

- A talking wallaby sinking into a quicksand pit.

Say "That's silly!" I don't see any reason to do this, after all.

Dear Nopor Puss,

I am a forum adventure author/main character, and I keep finding myself thrust into a variety of unpleasant and highly, highly painful situations. I was just wondering, from one adventure protagonist to another, how one goes about avoiding things like, say, being dropped out of the sky by an eagle and crashing into a swimming pool at terminal velocity. Or if I can't avoid such situations, how can I go about mitigating the damage to my precious, precious skeleton?

-Bruised and Battered in Eagle Town

What you should do is get some specialty armor made. I recommend having very sharp metal spikes put on the inside. And make it out of cardboard so it doesn't protect from much of anything.

Dear Nopor Puss,
I need advice on but is always like and I don't know how to handle it! I try to cope with but it is having less lately.

-

Dear Nopor Puss,
I need advice on but is always like and I don't know how to handle it! I try to cope with but it is having less lately.

-

NP I got an extra hour what do I do with it?

Nopor Puss,

How do I become as awesome as you?

Yours, Asslicking Dungface

Nopor Puss,

How do I become as awesome as you?

Yours, Asslicking Dungface

Nopor Puss, if you don't mind, let me field this one.

With a bit of consideration, it's quite simple! If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, awesomeness must be also. Therefore, the easiest way to be awesome is to ensure others think of you as awesome.

The catch is, however, that if people think of you as an unrelenting tool, then trying to shift their perception so by public agreement you become awesome is very, very difficult.

If you know you've been an unrelenting tool or equivalent in the past, don't fret! There's always the chance to start fresh in a new location where nobody's quite picked up on that yet, or is willing to give you another chance. At this critical juncture in your quest to becoming awesome, you must realise that first (or second or third) impressions are crucial. Considering how the tone of your words may be perceived by others is paramount, as they are the ones deciding whether you are Hot or Not.

When you introduce yourself, be sure to accentuate your positive traits to the shadow gallery, while taking especial care to not make it sound like you're gloating! Nobody likes a showoff. Avoid the additional pitfall of joking about your negative attributes in a way that makes you sound proud of them. If it's a small, insular community of friends, perhaps cite someone who invited you along, as an implicit affidavit?

Now that you've made a good first impressio-

This is the management.

We would like to inform you that flouting your apparent shoehorning into our community is not endearing.

Furthermore, mentioning it (or, in fact, crowing it at every apparent provocation) does not give you a free pass to avoid sitting down and getting yourself a goddamn clue of how, exactly, things might roll around here.

Hell, the fact you keep going on about it like it's your "I Took a Self-tossed Brick To My Social Aptitude, Apologies in Advance" Badge makes it seem like you know just how much you'll get on people's nerves with your attitude, but honestly don't give a flying fuck.

We don't like that. We also don't like your face.

So sit the fuck down, and more importantly, watch your mouth and make sure it's not shooting off anything you'll regret.

NP I got an extra hour what do I do with it?

Steal it from yourself and hide it where you're sure to find it, then forget where it is.

NP, my hands are tired. What can I use to type instead?

Dear Nopor Puss,

Can you bring me Paper Mario 3D for christmas?

sincerely, ihsoy

Dear Nopor Puss,

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