The Adventurer's Battle (Round One: Room 1-0A)

During the course of one of his daily quests for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity, Nopor Puss found a strange, ominously glowing box. Seeing no reason to open it, he did so.

Strange energies flowed from the box into Nopor Puss, and he felt himself gain incredible powers. The boundaries of space and time, and even between life and death, meant nothing to him. He could retrieve anyone from anywhere, at any point in time, even across universes.

"It would be very pointless to use this power to take eight people from throughout the multiverse and make them fight each other to the death," he mused. "And it wouldn't help me find the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity."

He took the amulet out of his pocket and looked at it for a bit, then shoved it back inside.

"In fact, I could give it to the winner as a prize, send them back to their home universe, and then give up these new powers! That would be really pointless!"

So that's what he decided to do.

Welcome to the Adventurer's Battle. This is a Grand Battle, but you have to use a character from an adventure you're running. It doesn't matter if it's here or on a certain other site.

There aren't any particular restrictions on which adventures are eligible, since I know pretty much everyone here. Well, okay, there are a couple. No characters who are already in Grand Battles (possible exception: the first Adventurer's Battle over on MSPA), and no starting an adventure just to enter a new character in this.

Blah blah entry form. You know what these all are. Let's see what you've got.

Name:
Gender:
Race:
Text color: #404080 is used by me.
Adventure of origin:
Weapons/Abilities:
Description:
Biography:

Entrants:
cyber95 - The Prison Express - #804000
XX - Sadie - #D60000
Pick Yer Poison - King - #007F00
Ixcaliber - Princess Midgardsormr - #7A0001
Agent - Jammroll Rockenzie - #0077FF
Anomaly - EOS - #00FF00 on #000000.
Solaris - Wazda Ritchound - #B361FF
Ed - Blech - #FF4000

I am in on this. Reserve and such.

ANDAJKSFLL;'; YES

Reservyservles! ;3

Does it have to be the maaaain character or just any character from your addy? :|

*introduces new character into Meander just for this XD*

I may be in. I will have to weight my options.

FUCKITY FUCK YES

This profile is short due to the subject matter.

Name: The Prison Express
Gender: Multiple genders sometimes on board. Seriously weighted towards men.
Color: Train brown
Race: Train/Prison
Adventure of origin: Prison Express

Weapons/Abilities: Is an entire train. Contains convicts and guards who are all able to fight. Upgrades itself from mysterious sources using money from an equally mysterious source. Somehow, it also manages to get around without any sort of tracks to speak of. We can only assume this is because the Warden from Superjail is in charge of this train. The train will gain more abilities as it continues to be upgraded.

Description: At the point of abduction, the Prison has three train cars behind the front car, which include one Toilet Room, two Basic Jail Cells, one Research Lab, one Basic Kitchen, and a B-Ball Shack. On board are two regular old prisoners, and two VIP Prisoners: Professor Lizzard, and, paradoxically, Nopor Puss. There are two guards, one cook, and Slipsicle, the head scientist. The Warden is usually at the front of the train keeping it going, but he's in charge of the whole thing, deciding what to upgrade and telling his staff what to do.

Biography: One day, a man had a dream. Create a mobile prison that could pick up prisoners from anywhere and be on its way once more. This plan was terrible and stupid, but he managed to get the clearance for it somehow. He's still in the early stages, but his ridiculous concept it already going strong and steadily getting bigger. How much bigger will it get? Only time can tell. It seems that the Warden has a bit of a trial of his concept going on, as somebody thought it would be entirely pointless to enter an entire train into a battle. Particularly one that he's on himself.

Name: Seventh Artificially Directed Inchoate Entity. You can call her Sadie.

Gender: Prefers female.

Race: Sentient building/ psychotic robot.

Color: SADIE LOVES YOU

Adventure of origin: The infamous .Memoria.

Weapons/Abilities: Four arms with evil little knife-claws on them, capable of punching clean through your rib cage and ripping your damn heart out. She can coordinate these arms perfectly due to having a robot brain that is also magic, or something, and has extremely high dexterity because of this. Her mechatentacles aren’t quite as capable of finesse, but it doesn’t matter because they’re made of fucking metal and it’s going to hurt like hell when they hit you. She’s ridiculously fast, especially when angry, surprisingly strong and very very likely to murder your ass before you can even complain about her lack of manners. She can channel Effulgent energy as well, which comprises the bulk of her power source. Given the nature of Effulgence (it bonds particularly well to machinery), this grants Sadie the ability to interface with and control advanced technology, which will almost certainly not end well for anyone.

Sadie has also displayed the ability to continue functioning (kind of) even after sustaining massive injuries, including multiple limb loss and severe brain trauma. Blowing up the entire tower that housed her wasn’t enough to kill her. She just got angrier.

Description:


Crazy crazy crazy batfuck crazy. Storyline-wise, this is Sadie before she attacked Nyroti- for those blessed souls who never read .Memoria, this means she hasn’t yet learned that maybe stabbing people to death isn’t the best way to get them to answer your questions. Rude, sadistic, and prone to talking in the third person at all times, Sadie fights dirty and is not above calling you fat to bring your guard down. Girl a stone cold bitch.

Biography: Largely irrelevant to the plot. S.A.D.I.E./SADIE/Sadie was created by someone or other as one of the Schema, AIs placed in buildings that functioned as a surrogate neural network and basically made sure the city wasn’t constantly being eaten by an ungodly horror. The building Sadie was assigned to, ??, was host to a massive amount of conflicting energies that drove her insane. Her predecessors were indicated to have killed themselves rather than live like this; Sadie seems to have learned to cope by killing everyone else instead. She hasn’t met Nyroti in this reality and so her life has thus far consisted of happily murdering random citizens and fucking around with elevators.

Reservyservles! ;3

Does it have to be the maaaain character or just any character from your addy? :|

*introduces new character into Meander just for this XD*

They don't have to be the main character, but they need to have a pretty significant role. Not just "this guy who showed up in this one update". There's no firm line what "significant" means; I'll use my own judgement on it.

Also no you cannot introduce a character into your existing adventure just to enter them here, same idea as "don't start an adventure just to enter a character here".

Whoops, in my sleep-deprived haze when I put this battle up, I neglected to include a Text Color field.

Go and fill that in, #404080 is my text as host.

Name: King
Gender: Male
Race: Human
Font color: #007F00
Adventure of origin: Man-man
Weapons/Abilities: He's got energy powers and a bitchin' royal air. Oh, and he's a stick figure.
Description:
King is a stick figure mapped into 3D space, so he looks a bit strange. While most of his body moves through 3D space normally, looking like that of an unearthly skinny person with monochrome, forest green skin, his head looks like a flat white circle outlined with the same forest green no matter what angle the viewer looks at it from.
Biography: From an early age, King was groomed to rule over the kingdom his father had governed. However, when his father mysteriously vanished, King was forced to take up the mantle and rule the kingdom despite his objections. When his superpowers kicked in, it was all the excuse he needed to take up another profession - crimefighting. Unfortunately for King, the kingdom his father had ruled was a peaceful one, and the police force was extremely efficient, making crime rates very low. So he sought evildoers outside its borders, taking down anyone and anything that looked even slightly unlawful, leaving his minister to run the kingdom in his absence. When he went mysteriously missing a one day after leaving to patrol the borders, it was simply assumed that he had finally come up against someone he couldn't take down.

Name: Princess Adelle Midgardsormr
Gender: Female
Race:Human
Text color: TOTALLY DISTINCT FROM SADIE'S COLOR
Adventure of origin: Midgardsormr Visits Hades
Weapons/Abilities: Mid is hyper competent. Whatever she wants tends to more or less happen without much fuss, though often it has unfortunate implications which she doesn’t really think about or understand ahead of time. She can also carry a M134 General Electric Minigun around without breaking a sweat, and she does. She has it in her pocket. Due to a plot hole she doesn’t seem to ever run out of ammunition, despite not having any on her.
Description: Midgardsormr is tall and slim. She has dark red hair which she habitually ties into a long ponytail and a fringe that comes down over her face and covers one of her eyes. She tends to wear long black strapless dresses.
Midgardsormr is not easily fazed. She can be wry, witty and sarcastic even in really bad situations. She can be perceived as a little heartless.
Biography: Midgardsormr was the Princess of the Principality of Midgardsormr. She has two deceased siblings: a slightly insane brother called Hades and a psychic sister called Sissy who asks riddles. She murdered her brother by covering his harmonica in nitroglycerine. She did this primarily because he was annoying. Her best friend growing up was a demon called Amy and she kind of sort of had the hots for a guy named Powergrando I.

She got stuck in Hell after she went down to visit her brother without really realizing that she couldn’t come back. After fighting off a demon called Jaid she and her friends (Amy, Powergrando I, Hades and Sissy) lived happily ever after… for about five minutes and then she got sick of Hades.

Midgardsormr, Amy and Powergrando I left his Crystal Home and lived in the wilds of Hell for a while; taking down Monstrosities and Abominations like it was nothing. They lived rough and didn’t play by the rules. It was pretty cool. Then Mid got her heart set on becoming a Princess again and opted to take over Hell. This was slightly trickier, but after a heartwarming reconciliation with Hades and Sissy they managed to topple the demonic regime and Midgardsormr became the new Princess of Hell. She also got married to Powergrando I.

Sometime later she was taken off for a Grand Battle.

Name: Jammroll Rockenzie (actual name Janice Alderson)
Color: #0077FF
Gender: Female
Race: Human
Adventure of origin: Meander
Weapons/Abilities: Jammroll carries about her Thunderbolt Bass, known as Steve. Musically Steve is just a regular bass guitar, but it is custom made and unique. Its shape has been built in a way that only Jammroll can play it comfortably, its wood has been strengthened with a highly tensile alloy of steel, and it's a adequate bludgeon should it come to that, a quality not often found in bass guitars. Another quality of Steve is its unique compatibility with Jammroll's Backpack Nuclear Amplifier, otherwise known as her Nuclear Amp (Atomic Amp?). An ICLFTR (implausibly compact liquid fluoride thorium reactor) inside the amp generates nuclear energy, which naturally brings the amp's power to insane proportions, though she does have to refuel it and drain off the nuclear waste (protactinium-231, yay!) every so often. She also has a machete hidden in her ponytail. Somehow.
Description:

SpoilerShow

Jammroll wears clothes suited to whatever genre she feels like, which is usually anything that needs a bitchin' bass. In this case though, she is wearing a somewhat torn white T-shirt and grey cargo pants from which any distinguishing features (and pockets) were bleached long ago. Her hair is dyed electric blue and tied up into a ponytail with its bottom edge dyed gunmetal grey. Steve, the Thunderbolt Bass, is an electric bass in the same electric blue color, with a lightning bolt emblazoned across the body. Jammroll's nuclear amp is a flattish black box, about the size of a regular backpack, with an array of speakers built into the back. A small screen on the side gives status reports on the ICLFTR's status.
Biography: Jammroll Rockenzie stood on the witness stand of a courtroom in Enmity City. She'd been called in again on a case she was only marginally involved in, and only because of her close association with Redria¦Emcorp; her late father had been a Redria executive and the mantle of his clout was naturally hers to inherit. As a result she was legally bound to testify on matters she knew barely anything about, usually pertaining to issues occurring under her father's posthumous jurisdiction...and by fuck she was sick of it.

"Raise your right hand."

She did so in a practiced motion, and held her breath tight for a second, hoping-

"Do you, Janice Alderson-"

Shit. The courts still hadn't got the message then, about the name. She would have to talk to Peter again tonight - ask him why he hadn't pressed harder -

"-do swear to tell the truth-"

Jammroll hated the oath. It reminded her that legally, the truth could get you killed. Especially if you were testifying for Redria¦Emcorp.

"-the whole truth-"

She hated the way it gave no loophole, no way of backing out if things went south. Not that things went south for the largest corporation in Enmity City. Redria¦Emcorp could be sitting on the North Pole, sending everything else south, for all the trouble they got.

"-and nothing but the truth?"

The assembled members of the court saw Jammroll Rockenzie look up with a glare that could move mountains, open her mouth, and vanish in a flash of fire and smoke. Of course, they might have embroidered the story a bit.

Name: Executive Operation System (EOS)

Gender: Female

Race: Robot

Color: #00FF00 on #000000.

Adventure of Origin: #XF3974.

Description:


(This robot doesn't actually exist in-canon. Do I care? No. No I don't.)

Not completely crazy, but certainly sadistic and entirely lacking in anything resembling morals. As far as she's concerned, everyone is a specimen for science. Everyone. Often speaks in a formal manner, but she doesn't really even try to hide the fact that she'd rather inject you with antimatter to see what happens than make friends like some kind of Disney special. The robot is needlessly anatomically correct, but no one's really questioned it. It's made out of some especially durable metal alloys and is powered by "V-energy", which is more-or-less just some yellow goop that can do anything ever. The head is connected to the body by science. Don't question it.

Weapons/Abilities: Incredibly hard to destroy, protected by energy shielding. Can easily crush skulls with a well-placed kick, and can rip most organic things apart pretty effortlessly. Despite appearances, her hands can easily be shifted to a more dextrous configuration allowing for extreme precision. She can also produce a variety of wholly scientific instruments (scalpels, bonesaws, syringes, nanoprobes, flamethrowers, and laser cannons, to name a few) using a space-folding based storage system. The robot is both fast and agile, but is not completely indesctructable. That would hardly be fair.

In addition to everything else, she maintains an interdimensional connection to her computer core on White Plateau's Biological Research Station. She continues to control the station despite being uplinked to the robot, but with potential... "unfortunate" side-effects should the robot be destroyed. She would prefer to not let this happen.

Biography: EOS was created in the late 22nd (or maybe 23rd) century, long after the ruining of Earth in a nuclear war that nearly annihilated humanity altogether. She was constructed by White Plateau Laboratories, mankind's leading science corporation. Their extensive scientific developments allowed humans to discover an Earthlike planet far away from the old solar system, and society was quickly reestablished on a new world. White Plateau continued to expand, and, upon exploration of a third habitable planet, discovered the magic yellow goo described above. The biological research station was established in orbit of that planet, overseen by a perfectly sane AI, dubbed EOS. Scientists were able to create living organisms out of Pure Nonsensium, and test courses were quickly developed to test the capabilities of said organisms. Most of them died horrible deaths. A decade or so later, a robot directly uplinked to EOS was pulled through dimensions by a guy with a weird name to fight some other things to the death.

For science.

Name: Wazda Ritchound
Gender: Female
Race: Ghost Witch Nag Queen
Text color: B361FF IS WHAT NAGGING LOOKS LIKE
Adventure of origin: An Immortal, she is there for like, 3 panels on page 2.
Weapons/Abilities: Wazda is a ghost, she can fly, go through walls, and become more transparent. As a witch, she can also cast various magical spells and has an extensive knowledge of magical runes and the like. However, the most powerful ability that Wazda has is her Award Winning Nagging abilities. Had she not chosen to nag someone immortal in death, he would have assuredly died from her nagging.
Description: Years have not been kind, and as a result, Wazda is sort of flabby and wrinkly. However, when she was young (and impulsive) she was such a beauty! But that is the past and now she is just a legless, ragged robe wearing, purple, semi-translucent hag. She is not very happy about her looks and will nag the hell out of anyone who points them out. Her years and years of tailing a certain immortal have made her bitter about everything. She basically will lash out violently at the slightest irritation.
Biography: Okay, so this one time, there was An Immortal. In a typical (for him) drunken excursion, he met a young and impulsive witch. They banged, he left in the night, and she was pissed the fuck off. However, she got over it.

Years passed, and the now not so young witch had long forgotten about that immortal. While she was much less impulsive, she still occasionally had her less respectable moments. It was during such a time that an oddly familiar man came by and decided to give her another night of knocking boots. The man left and once more the witch was angry, but she got over it much faster.

After all, she was now a powerful and knowledgeable witch, she could deal comeuppance to any bum who though he could wrong her. However, each and every spell used on the man didn't seem to work. He recovered from them all, with barley a scratch. The witch was in a rage. After many failures, a very old man walked up to her, and told her that the man she was chasing was in fact the very same from her youth, and that he was an immortal, who would outlive her and her curses.

The witch became furious. However, she did not give up. After years of study in curses and in the dead, the witch created a curse that would suitably dish out her revenge.

It killed her, and turned her into the bitter and ghostly Nag Queen she is today, forever haunting an immortal until she was taken. Considering that the immortal had by then completley tuned her nagging out, this was pointless.

Name: Blech
Gender: Male
Race: Armored-zombie God Wolf
Text color: Is this orange one taken? Ok i'll use it then. Then again dogs don't talk that much.
Adventure of origin: Eingana (it sucks, don't read it)
Weapons/Abilities: Cliché zombie abilities like spitting acid and eating flesh, after being bonded with a fire orb of some kind it gained the power of Agni, a Hindu deity of fire. It spits fire and stuff.

Description:

Pretty much a regular wolf, except with 2 flaming tails and a hefty (redesigned) armor. When it turned into a zombie it was missing a bit of it's head and his fur became brown. Apparently much of his decaying body recovered after being fused with Agni's orb, though it retained the brown hue on it's fur. It didn't had that much of a personality when it was a zombie, it just followed Matt around. But it started to show signs of strong loyalty towards his master after it was revived. Like any other dog would. It seems it's the only thing he wants in the world.

Biography: At first a regular grey wolf, he got turned into stone by "the evil one's" (dumb, i know) curse along with every other living entity on Eingana. Matt, hero of Eingana, confronted both Blech and another wolf that was turned into stone in a weird empty void. After Matt killed both of them his eingana shield ate one of the wolves and spat it out when they were back in the real world. Bringing it back to life through the shield's mystical properties (bullshit) as an undead. Matt adopted him as his pet and companion, aiding him during his adventures.

Nopor Puss had made his selections. He snapped his fingers, and they all appeared in front of him, frozen in place.

"Hello!" he said to the confused assembly before him. "I'm..."

He paused. There was no reason to take a pretentious title, he reasoned, and so he would. And as he thought about it, he ralized there was even less reason to take a title somebody else was already using.

"I'm the Composer, and I've decided to enter you all in a battle to the death for absolutely no reason. Surprise! Before I send you off to fight each other, though, introductions are in order."

As Nopor Puss brought up a spotlight on the first competitor, an entire train, it occurred to him that he had no reason to offer completely inaccurate descriptions of the combatants.

"This is the Trainbot 6000. It can transform into a robot powerful enough to lift a train! And also fly off with it. It also has degrees in literature and medicine, and leads the heroic Autobots in their battle against the evil Decepticons."

The spotlight then moved over to a large four-armed creature with four eyes and numerous tentacles. It seemed to be female.

"And this is Sadie! She works at the grocery store down the street. She dreams of becoming a famous dancer, and so she trains every day. She also enjoys flower arranging and long walks on the beach."

The spotlight then moved over to a strange green stick figure.

"And this is Man-Man! He was bitten by a radioactive man, giving him all the powers of a man. He fights crime and doesn't have much luck with the ladies. He can also leap tall buildings in a single bound, and is a world champion chess player."

The spotlight shifted to a tall, slim woman with dark red hair tied in a ponytail.

"And here we have Princess Jormungand! Or rather, a clone of her. The original sold her soul to a demon to get out of a room, and this clone was trying to save her. She collects spoons, and her favorite food is apple pie."

The next combatant to be singled out was another woman, wearing a torn white T-Shirt and grey cargo pants. She had electric blue hair, and a similarly-colored guitar, attached to an amplifier strapped to her back.

"Next we have Queen Elizabeth of England! As the first female ruler of her country, she's had to get tough to survive in a man's world. That's why she has a black belt in Aikido and always carries at least six dozen knives on her person. The psychic powers don't hurt, either."

The spotlight then moved over to a female robot, with a round blue head floating over her mechanical body.

"And our next contestant is Lucifer, the Lord of Hell! Cast out of the heavens for rebelling against the Almighty Lord, he now has dominion over the damned. He specializes in ice magic and swordplay."

The spotlight then lit up a ghostly woman in a purple robe. She floated there, with no legs.

"Next, we have Amatsu Kogari! This mighty sumo wrestler has all the great strength you'd expect with that muscular bulk, but he also has the power to change his entire body into water!"

The spotlight then shifted to the final combatant, a zombified wolf with two flaming tails.

"And last, but not least, Eximo Pulvis! This undead vacuum cleaner may look unassuming, but he's actually won a battle like this one already. Be careful!"

The spotlight vanished, and the room lit up.

"And that's all of you! So it's time for me to send you off to the first exciting location for this battle: Room 1-0A of the Hotel Fitzgerald! This is the site of the Winter 2010 MSPAFA Awards, whatever those are, so hopefully you'll have a good time while trying to kill each other."

There was a flash of light, and the contestants were gone.

They then found themselves all awkwardly squeezed together in a broom closet.

Meanwhile, Nopor Puss mused to himself how pointless it was not to put any sort of barriers or anything preventing the combatants from leaving the arena he'd sent them to.

SpoilerShow

This is where I got the idea.

So yes, all of you, including the Prison Express, are squeezed into a tiny broom closet. But there's nothing actually keeping you in there, so I expect you to spread out into the hotel itself soon enough.

And as I'm sure you all remember, the Winter 2010 awards did not actually take place here. You can feel free to have some other big event going on, though... perhaps even more than one!

“Attention, all attendees of the Summer 2012 Eagle Time Adventure Awards. The Best Hussnasty Derivative award presentation has been cancelled, because Who Cares, the only nominee, has been hit by a train. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

In defense of the anime-ninja clad boy, a train suddenly bursting through the door at the end of the hall wasn’t easy to predict, and his ability to look fifteen seconds into the past wasn’t able to help him in this case. On the train, the Warden was frantically searching through a pile of miscellaneous items next to a box of coal. The Warden had, after all, planned for this.
Well, not this specifically, but parts of this. His battle-to-the-death plan had to be modified, as it hadn’t accounted for the prison being with him. He hadn’t looked at his “Abducted By Powerful Being” plan in a while, but it would surely be useful. Aha! There it was! He would have to contact the Distribution Bureau to discuss the current situation, but for now, he would have to deal with the more immediate problems.

Nopor Puss pulled his head out of the toilet momentarily to listen to the voice introducing itself as The Composer. He was absolutely certain it was his own, and in fact the mannerisms, including the pointlessly incorrect information did nothing but confirm his suspicions. Clearly it was some manner of alternate universe version of himself! This information could be incredibly useful to everybody involved in the battle. Of course, it would be pointless to pretend he doesn’t know anything about the Grandmaster, so Nopor Puss went back to sticking his head in the dirty toilet.

This situation was worrying. A clear-minded individual would be important for dealing with this situation. As the only man of science on the train, Slipsicle would truly be vital to getting out of this situation alive. He could research ways of improving the train to be more suited for combat, defense, or perhaps even escape! It would take dedication, hard work, and most importantly, booze. Let the drinking commence!

“So, you’re some kind of lizard, huh?”
“Yep.”
“And... a professor?”
“That I am.”
“...but you stand up and talk like a person.”
“And you’re on a train that’s also a prison that’s in a battle to the death that may or may not transform into a giant robot. What’s your point?”
“I, uh, where are we going?”
ProfessorLizzard and his cellmate, Man Mann, took a moment to look out the window to see door after door of hotel rooms go past. Upon seeing the cell’s guard get a tight grip on the cell bars, they both decided it would be best to do the same.

The Warden held onto the newly affixed steering wheel for dear life as the train burst through the wall at the end of the hallway, and apparently room 1-0A, despite the numbering, was in fact on the second floor. Sailing through the air above the main hall, the crowd couldn’t help but be distracted from the ceremony. Even the cast of CalculusQuest, the crowd favourites to win Best Mechanics, had to stop mid-presentation to, well, basically to get the hell out of the way. Calcutron 2000 disappeared in a flash of maths, but The Equation, sadly, was crushed by the falling locomotive.
The crowd scattered as the Prison Express drove on, manoeuvring itself into another wide section of the hotel, presumably to cause more havoc.

Mid-bottle, Slipsicle noticed he had gotten a message from the Warden. Something about aerodynamic maneuvering or something. Well, that sounded rather silly. How would you get a train to move aerodynamically? No, that was an idea that would only make sense after a couple more drinks.

SpoilerShow

Just as a quick note, The Warden never speaks. Not directly anyways. No quotes with him. He's the closest thing to a protagonist on this thing and he suffers from Silent Hero Syndrome because of it. Anybody else on the train is pretty fair game for dialogue, though.

Derpderpreserve

Hitching a ride on a moving train, King decided, was definitely one of his more awesome ideas. Very action movie-esque. He just hoped the train in question didn't turn into a giant robot while he was still on the outside, as it was purported to do, because that was one mechanism he didn't fancy getting caught in. Although to be fair, that Composer figure hadn't described King himself very accurately; in fact, it was pretty obvious he was specifically trying to be inaccurate. King decided to take the descriptions he'd been given of the other contestants with a grain of salt.

King was just beginning to wonder if clinging to the back of a moving train was really the safest place to be when the train began plowing through the game of spiked dodgeball being played to determine the winner of the Best Playable Female, most of the participants of which screamed and dived to the side. Thinking quickly, King reached out and grabbed the hand of a woman dressed like a witch carrying a red balloon, pulling her up next to him on the train. "Hey babe," he said coolly. The girl looked at him questioningly, then glanced at the door into the train. King decided that, compared to letting go of the train with his left hand or letting go of the girl with his right, simply kicking the door in seemed like a pretty good idea. He proceeded to do just that, accompanying the kick with a burst of green energy. He didn't really need the energy since the door opened inwards and wasn't even locked,but there was simply no excuse for skimping on a cool entrance. He slid into the car, pulling the girl in as well, and shut the door behind him, ignoring the way it simply fell open again due to the damage it had sustained.

Slipsicle put down his bottle slowly, trying to hide his confusion. "Are you real or have I had enough to drink?" he asked uncertainly.

King strolled over to him and picked the bottle up casually. "I'd guess the latter, pal. You probably want to lay off the alcohol for a while. In fact," he said, raising the bottle," why don't I take this off of your hands?" He titled the bottle towards himself and proceeded to spill most of it on his head, causing him to splutter and cough and realize that he had no actual mouth. The witch-girl in the corner giggled, and King quietly put the bottle back on the table in embarrassment.

Slipsicle stood up shakily, using his chair for support. "I dunno who you are, but yer impede...imped...interrupting important scientific work." He picked the bottle up again and took another swig, drinking the disappointingly small amount that was left after King had dumped most of it on himself. "So go find someone else to bug before I do unpleasant science-y things to you!"

King was about to start arguing that he didn't have to leave - although he had no real reason to want to stay - when the witch girl grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door and into the next compartment, which turned out to be the kitchen.

system lost system rec-._//connect FUCK YOUR SYSTEM SADIE DOES WHAT SHE WANTS

zz.zc_a\de^S.Sadie was blind.

The difference between her in her tower and what she was now was the difference between a working body and a brain floating in jar. Her cameras were gone, her microphones had destroyed, the cables of Effulgence that powered her were absent; she was weak and helpless and pathetic. Like a stupid squealing human. Like a baby. She pawed at her face and screamed with rage, hearing the horrible quietness of her voice without a skyscraper’s worth of intercoms to back it up. Only four eyes? Where was the rest of her? Where the fuck was her tower? Where was she?

Her first instinct was to murder something out of revenge, but her weakened sensors didn’t detect anything organic within reach; she settled for ripping the head off of a nearby statue. It crumbled to pieces the instant it was pierced by her claws. Plaster. PLASTER. She snarled and threw the dust to the ground, which seemed to be covered in a sickeningly precise neutral brown. Sadie hated it for not being red and she slammed a tentacle down on it, feeling the floor underneath crumple. Not even metal! WORTHLESS. All of it. Probably designed by a human. Stupid, weak. Weak.

“Oh, classy. I suppose we can assume this type of behavior typical for your model.”

Sadie’s eyes were pitiful in this state. Without the sophisticated lenses of her tower’s cameras she could only rely on her primary optic sensors, which barely went deeper than visual information. Blurrily she focused on a tall blue shape that appeared to be the source of the statement. Her addressor seemed to be a mechanical being; unlike her own perfect form, though, it had been built to suggest a curvaceous humanoid female. Sadie smirked. How typical. How human. A brief flare of panic at the teal color of its paneling was quickly calmed by the realization that it was not of Caliginous origin. Only metal and plastic. Pathetic.

“DID YOU SAY SOMETHING, WRETCH” she cackled, squinting as the speaker came into focus. A floating blue orb of a head projecting almost cartoonish features stood out in sharp contrast to the softly lumped shapes gathered around. Sadie hated them all instantly. “SADIE WAS WATCHING SOME AIR PARTICLES. SHE IS BORED BY THIS CHANGE.”

The blue orb’s features instantly switched from mild to moderate contempt like a screen between channels. How lazy, Sadie thought disdainfully. Not even a proper face.

“Yes, I could understand how a simple construction such as you could be averse to basic conversation,” EOS said without emotion. “You poor thing.” She turned away and began to examine the loose herd of meatbags lying in a rough radius from where they’d burst out of the narrow closet, the orb’s expression flickering back to neutral.

Sadie’s joints flared a brilliant crimson and she reared up on her tentacles, adding to her already considerable height. A cheap chandelier brushed her head; she tore it down and shattered it on the nubby carpet. “BITCH,” she screamed, flexing her needle-sharp claws, “SADIE WANTS TO KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE.”

The blue orb turned ninety degrees to the left, pausing just long to allow Sadie a view of its uninterested expression and single raised eyebrow, then turned back.

Sadie’s first impulse was to leap at the horrible thing and tear its nonexistent throat out with her teeth. Her second was to pick up the nearest meatbag and throw it at this glorified coffeemaker.

She went with the second.

With inhumanly fast reflexes, EOS grabbed both of the airborne human's ankles in her right hand and held her up, hanging upside-down. The human was female, somewhat on the short side, donning a torn-up t-shirt and generic gray pants. Rage flared on her face as she flailed impotently in the air, unable to break the mechanoid's grip.

Subject '#EU0025' identified by unknown entity "Composer" as "Queen Elizabeth of England." Despite theoretically infinite radically different timelines, all statements by "Composer" most likely outright falsehoods. "Composer" identified self as "Lucifer, Lord of Hell" - extremely unlikely to be a mistake. Furthermore, scans reveal no trace of concealed weaponry and no biological basis for "psychic powers". Disregarding all information given by "Composer", will rely instead on collected data.

Situation reminiscent of Incident UU-X-0001. Death of one "battler" will likely result in extra-dimensional relocation of survivors. Probability of unit destruction extremely low - little caution required.

The blue orb's features shifted to what could best be described as "neutral" as it turned to face the restrained woman directly. "Hello, Subject #EU0025. It seems we have been given the perfect opportunity to perform a few experiments while we're here. How fortunate. It even seems that #EU0022, or 'SADIE', has volunteered you. First, we will be testing the effects of a body moving at high velocities on the structural integrity of plaster-based walling. Trial one."

A look of dread washed over Jammroll's face as EOS swung her back, then flung her at a nearby wall. Due largely to shoddy construction, she crashed straight through the wall, thankfully landing on an unoccupied hotel bed rather than continuing through the all-too-close window.

"Interesting. It would appear this region has surprisingly low construction standards." EOS turned back to SADIE, who was engrossed at the moment with smashing a very nice bust of U.S. president Franklin Delano Roosevelt while simultaneously insulting its heritage. "I hope that in your blind rage you don't inadvertently collapse the whole structure. Perhaps you could better put your narrow range of abilities to work elsewhere. Terminating yourself, for instance."

"WHAT WAS THAT, BITCH" Sadie hissed, dropping the shattered bits of president around the remains of the table on which it had once resided. She angrily slunk toward her opponent, and immediately slammed a cable into the latter's midsection, knocking her to the ground.

EOS climbed back to her feet, wearing an expression of boredom on her face. "It appears that despite your best efforts, you have failed to inflict any significant damage. Sensor sweeps indicate that this building is full of a variety of life, predominantly human and humanoid. Have you considered instead targetting any of those? I am sure your talents would be better put to use there, rather than attacking technology vastly superior to yourself."

"SADIE AGAIN ASKS WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE" screeched the insane mechanoid, seething."

"Request granted. I am the Executive Operation System of White Plateau Laboratories's biological research station, otherwise known as EOS. I am the most advanced supercomputer ever created by White Plateau, easily surpassing AI models such as, say, yourself. Although I typically only occupy a central core connected to the entire station, I am also capable of the operation of several robots, one of the most advanced of which you see before you."

"FUCK YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT SADIE MEANT."

"If you would like a less literal interpretation, I suppose 'your superior' would suffice. But I really should be going. I have more pressing matters to attend to than this pointless discourse." EOS wrenched open an elevator door as she finished her sentence, and prepared to leap.

"SADIE IS NOT DONE WITH YOU. WHERE ARE YOU GOING." SADIE hurriedly approached the elevator door, preparing to gut her haughty, overbearing opponent with her bare, razor-sharp claws.

"Down. You are welcome to follow. In fact, why don't you?" EOS quickly grabbed two of SADIE's cables and leaped down the empty shaft, attempting to pull her through.

Sniffing with strong curiosity, Blech found itself surrounded by a bunch of smelly men covered in tattoos, corpses and soon-to-be corpses. Just lying there, jiggling all over the place, an unknown force causing a tremor in the place they were. Ignoring the trembling floor, Blech happily sprang into the air, landing near a specially rotten corpse, beckoning to be eaten. When suddenly an enormous collision sent Blech flying through the air, crashing with a near wall. It appeared that the vehicle they were traveling in fell from a higher height.

A difficult situation for a zombie-wolf to understand, Blech ignored it and got back on it's four again. Ready to consume some corpse meat, succumbing to it's inner desire to devour brains. However a terrifyingly and particularly annoying shriek stopped Blech on it's way.

HEY YOU DOGGIE STOP RIGHT THERE

Aren't you supposed to be dead? I'm pretty sure you should! You know, i always have to deal with people that should be dead but they aren't. It's such a chore to cope with these living corpses, yet all i get in response for such a hard duty is the whole "blah blah you're so annoying stop nagging so much". Life has been hard for me too you know? Being cursed into being this ghostly nagging old hag ain't easy.

Confused by this half translucent apparition, Blech readied itself to attack with a breath of fire. Interruptions on it's consumption of rotten flesh was something he will not tolerate. Simply put, Blech doesn't take shit from anybody, specially when he's being interrupted of having a perfectly good meal.

Oh, here we go again, see what i mean? I always have to go through this, over and over again. How am i supposed to NOT nag people when all they do is get angry at me when all i'm trying to do is take 'em back where they belong? Oh well... it's just some funny looking zombie dog, i guess there's no reason in trying to reason with him. I'll finish this soon so i can go back to nag that perverted immortal.

'Served

SpoilerShow

Ed it was just pointed out to me that you chose the same color I have.