Consistency

Do you think it has to do with symmetrical characters?

orange

Welcome to the Space Consortium!

g0m

Longer than five characters

You try to spit to create a puddle in a desperate attempt to relieve the desert heat, but the saliva evaporates as soon as it hits the sand.

Well, that's it. You're out of options. You're going to have to go back to the oasis and beg. Maybe you can offer them something this time, at least.

But what do you have that they might be interested in?

Do you think it has to do with symmetrical characters?

You look at the statues outside. They very clearly resemble the people in this ancient comic strip you stumbled onto. Could there be some trait that some of the characters share, which might tell you which statues will open the door deeper in?

You quickly notice that some of them are symmetrical. Maybe that's the clue. You sit in front of each of them and pray.

It seems to have worked! You can hear the door opening.

But you can't just go rushing in. There are probably traps beyond. How can you check for them?

orange

Yes, that's it. The orange is clearly the fruit you want. You pick it up and promptly eat it.

Wait a minute, something doesn't feel right. It's as if that orange completely altered your perception of reality. You can't see your shoes any more, but you can clearly see... well... whatever that is.

What is it, exactly?

Welcome to the Space Consortium!

On pure instinct, you shout out the first thing that comes to mind: "Welcome to the Space Consortium!"

The gunman seems confused. It certainly wasn't what he was expecting. It's not like they usually have Space Consortiums in banks. Of course, he's still pointing a gun at you, so he's got the upper hand.

But maybe there's something you can do while he's trying to understand why, exactly, he's being welcomed to the Space Consortium. So how will you use those opportunity?

g0m

Yes! You're sure this will be the post that gets you the win! You put down " g0m" and post it, eagerly awaiting your result.

"Breaks rules 4 and 5."

Dammit! It didn't work. But wait a second... that was the first post to pass both rules 2 and 3. You must be on to something.

What will you post next?

Longer than five characters

You decide to wait in the long line. Sure, the short line has only one character in it, but look at him! Generic white male, so boring. He's definitely not going on any real exciting adventures.

But over here! There's at least five characters here, and just at a glance you can tell they have fully-developed backstories. Now this is where it's at! Yeah, maybe it'll take longer but it'll be worth it in the end.

Five hours later, you're not quite so sure it's worth it. You're getting really bored. Isn't there anything you can do to pass the time?

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Use the scepter of justice.

They are clearly singing "Sweet Dreams are made of these" and yet it's actually titled "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)".

take a picture

What do you have that I don't?

A rideable lawnmower

https://xkcd.com/1680/

ctrl+v

You take another look at your surroundings. You can't figure out how the lock works, and you've got nothing of significance on you, aside from your phone and that other thing. Neither of which seem useful. But maybe there's something inside the room...

Use the scepter of justice.

Yes! The scepter of justice! You thought it was just there to mock you, but it's perfect for prying the door open! You stick it in there and pull until the door pops off its hinges.

But wait, you can't just rush out. There are guards everywhere, and you need to figure out what they're doing before you can plan your next move. So, uh, what are they doing?

They are clearly singing "Sweet Dreams are made of these" and yet it's actually titled "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)".

Oh. They're having a sing-along. But they're getting the song title wrong! How can you correct this grave mistake?

take a picture

That's it! You take a picture of the guards singing the song. Of course, when you finish, you realize that photographs, being a visual medium, cannot actually capture audial input, such as song lyrics. Well, darn.

Worse, while you were taking that picture you drew the attention of the Sphinx. It seems that it's waiting for you to answer its riddle. What was the riddle, again?

What do you have that I don't?

Oh, right. "What do you have that I don't?" Well, that's a stupid question now that you think about it. The answer is so obvious.

A rideable lawnmower

You have a rideable lawnmower! There's no way the Sphinx has one of those. You pull it out of your pocket and charge right through the Sphinx and the guards.

But wait, the Sphinx is mumbling something while it's lying there on the ground. What's it saying?

https://xkcd.com/1680/

Sounds like nonsense. Must just be rambling. There's no way this is some sort of additional riddle. Anyways, there's only one way out of here, and it's...

ctrl+v

The Control and V buttons on your rideable lawnmower! You press them both and once and fly out of the maximum security prison/ancient temple.

But now that you've escaped and claimed the Scepter of Justice, where will you go?

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Fremp

we have to go back

Wow, that was surprisingly coherent.

Team Rocket's rocket

I should probably get out of bed and eat, but.... eeeeehh...........

why should the government decide whether i can sell crack to children? I think we should let the parents decide whether or not this crack is of good enough quality to their kids.

--Complainant to consumer protection bureau

Fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everyone.

Yes, that's the perfect way to begin your letter. "To the space consortium". It's exactly the right balance between familiarity and formality.

For just a moment you wonder if your parents will understand why you're calling them the space consortium, but really, the metaphor is self-explanatory. You write that down, sign the letter, and put it in the envelope.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you can't possibly get to the post office in time. How are you going to get this to your parents before they disavow your inheritance?

Fremp

That's right, your social insurance number is Fremp. You don't know how you could have forgotten that. You put it down on the form and fill out the rest, then put it in the envelope. Time to mail it off.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you don't have the proper forms to request more from the post office. How are you going to get this to the IRS before they audit you?

we have to go back

Yes, it's best that you leave your message simple. Anything too complex might draw attention from the mail-readers. You'll just inform Back that you have to go, and hope that other agents will be able to clarify the location. You put the message in the envelope. Time to send it.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And you blew up the nearest post office in last week's operation. How are you going to get the message to Back before your pursuers close in?

Wow, that was surprisingly coherent.

Ah, yes. Here's an excellent way to get letters for your ransom demands - you'll print off this post on a message board and cut the letters out of that. There, that contains just the letters you need to finish your message.

But wait. You don't have any stamps! And there's still that wanted poster of you hanging in the post office. How are you going to get your demands to the legal guardian before anyone notices their charge is missing?

Team Rocket's rocket

Yes! That's the perfect drawing for the Pokemon fanart contest. You draw Team Rocket riding a rocket with the caption "TEAM ROCKET'S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!" You're sure to win that free Mew with this!

But wait. You don't have any stamps. And Mom won't let you go to the post office by yourself. How are you going to get this to Nintendo before the contest deadline?

I should probably get out of bed and eat, but.... eeeeehh...........

Yes, that's the perfect inaugural message for your brilliant new messenging service where you send out letters of 140 characters or less to thousands of strangers. What better way for them to get to know you than to see them at your most vulnerable? You promptly write the message out 5000 times, stuff it into 5000 envelopes, and address them to 5000 people chosen at random from various phone books.

But wait! You don't have any stamps. And the post office only lets you buy 10 sheets at a time now. Now how are you going to get your message out to everyone and start raking in the profit before the debt collection agency comes knocking on the door again?

why should the government decide whether i can sell crack to children? I think we should let the parents decide whether or not this crack is of good enough quality to their kids.

--Complainant to consumer protection bureau

Yes, you have the perfect letter to the relationship advice columnist. When she answers this letter, you're sure to find the way to save your marriage. Of course, your wife wouldn't understand if she found out, but you're sure you can handle keeping this under wraps.

But wait! You don't have any stamps. And your wife just got that new job at the post office! How are you going to send your important relationship-salvaging letter before she finds out about your problem?

Fuck this, fuck you, and fuck everyone.

Yes, that's the best way to close your first letter to your pen pal. They'll think it's hilarious! You write up that postscript and put the letter in the envelope.

But wait! Your house is going to collapse any minute now from this enormous pile of stamps. And the post office just sends your letters back if you put too many stamps on them. So how can you use up more stamps on this one letter?

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