Hebrews 10:31

Tear off the limbs of the nearest bartender. Fasten them, and every organ, on to your body. You'll have a real meat shield to keep you warm in these desperate times.

Okay, okay. Let him in the bar, then lead him out of it.

Then he'll be disbarred and will therefore lose his law powers.

Entry twenty-four, March 10, 2015.

Tear off the limbs of the nearest bartender. Fasten them, and every organ, on to your body. You'll have a real meat shield to keep you warm in these desperate times.

You might get a promotion to General of Poor Decisions soon, Javert has informed me that murder has been added to my crimes. That said, it is warm, and at the very least I'm armed now.

Hungry Jack stares at me disapprovingly. Voodoo Steve is still too busy trying to keep the sheer amount of dark justice in the area from tearing us apart.

Okay, okay. Let him in the bar, then lead him out of it.

Then he'll be disbarred and will therefore lose his law powers.

Javert is arguing that as he is a physical embodiment of the law and not a lawyer he thus cannot be disbarred. Fortunately, I countered that his powers did in fact come from lawyers, and thus those powers are negated. He has begrudgingly agreed to not rely on them, but even without said powers he is still a formidable foe, and I am slowed by my meat suit.

Entry twenty-five, March 11, 2015.

The good news is that my speed and reflexes have improved during this fight.

The bad news is that my meat suit is destroyed, robbing me of its protection.

Javert is fearsome indeed, he's already defeated Voodoo Steve and Hungry Jack with the power of his baritone alone - thankfully my tenor is strong enough to have matched it. He has the power of ten thousand lawsuits on his side (we uh, sent out a LOT of LSD burgers). He's started on about stars and heaven or some shit so I've had time to type at least this much out-oh shit he's done, wish me luck.

Hm.

Lift an entire ship with your muscles!

Good fucking luck, try not to die again.

Heyheyhey, you must have gotten a few followers from the LSD Burger Delivery Debacle.

Entry twenty-six, March 12, 2015.

Hm.

Lift an entire ship with your muscles!

I don't know where a ship appeared but hey one showed up in my hands and it was more than big enough to crush Javert. He just stares at it and says that he also came from the gutter or some bullshit.

Good fucking luck, try not to die again.

How did you know that would happen? I am actually a Pala from an alternate timeline where Javert didn't immediately punch me and get us both crushed by the ship I was lifting. Unfortunately I sort of ballsed my own up and traveled back in time and apparently there's only a set amount of timelines? Well, here I am. Javert stands defeated, or at the very least crushed beyond recovery. I should probably dispose of my body.

Heyheyhey, you must have gotten a few followers from the LSD Burger Delivery Debacle.

Well of course, but they're of varied and questionable ability. At least my fast food minions were all trained somewhat. In my own timeline I called them all together and it took weeks for them to gather on their own.

I... supposed I should get back on my quest to bring the Portfolio to Japan? That's what I was doing here right?

Don't just let that body go to waste, there's got to be some kind of ritual you can do with a dead alternate version of yourself.

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Obviously you must gather all the alternate minions together

Entry twenty-seven, March 14, 2015.

I apologize for missing my third entry. I was preoccupied with sorting through all of this rubble. The remains of the MCS Iroquois are uh, at my disposal. Can we do anything with a trashed Canadian ex-destroyer?

Don't just let that body go to waste, there's got to be some kind of ritual you can do with a dead alternate version of yourself.

I think the wizard who sent me back said something about parallel something or others? I'm sure this couldn't go wrong in the slightest. Get the spell, and let me know what else we need do Minister of Necromancy.

Obviously you must gather all the alternate minions together

Well obviously that would be preferable, but how do you suggest I go forward in time to an alternate universe where most of my armies lie fallen on the field? I didn't exactly leave a way back, and that lousy wizard wasn't very interested in having me back.

You'll need that villian dude from Samurai Jack

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Entry twenty-eight, March 14, 2015.

You'll need that villian dude from Samurai Jack

Aku and I did not leave things on the best of terms. We might have both tried to trick Jack into offing the other and both got screwed for it, and now they both have it out for me.


How did you even get the spell there in the first place? Also, could I just pick it up while I'm in the area, or have Schazer do it?

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Maybe you can promise Aku a third dimension or something.

Entry twenty-nine, March 16, 2015.



How about you Schazer, could this work with our current plan?

Maybe you can promise Aku a third dimension or something.

Aku is the master of time and space, and besides he's more focused on defeating Jack for some unfathomable reason. Maybe if I could find a dimension without Jack for him (or a dimension populated solely by Jacks, not sure which he'd prefer)? Something to consider.

Yeah, fine, but I want a fiefdom or six by the time this is done and dusted.

Unstoppable omnipotent entity or no I still feel an aversion to doing fetch quests on their behalf if they're as all-powerful as they purport.

I suppose there's jack shit we can give to aku

Entry thirty, March 17, 2015.

Yeah, fine, but I want a fiefdom or six by the time this is done and dusted.

Unstoppable omnipotent entity or no I still feel an aversion to doing fetch quests on their behalf if they're as all-powerful as they purport.

Hey it was your idea to do this Japan distraction crap.

But now that you mention it I am a mere four days from the height of my power. It could prove to be the best time to do most of my harder work.

Landwise, you're already one of my top two minions so I don't know why you wouldn't get a lion's share of fiefdoms.

Anyways, I've reached the western coast of Canada and will be making the ocean crossing over the next day or two. Anything I should be doing before I get to Japan?

Beeeer

As long as you're breaking every law in existence already, you might as well try smuggling some stuff over to Japan. Buy a whole bunch of drugs, weapons, endangered animals, and alcohol to take with you on your trip across the pacific.

(The alcohol is to help recruit some new recruits once you get to Vancouver. Just tell them that they've all won a free cruise on a party boat, who wouldn't jump at an offer like that?)

Entry thirty one, March 18, 2015.

Beeeer

As long as you're breaking every law in existence already, you might as well try smuggling some stuff over to Japan. Buy a whole bunch of drugs, weapons, endangered animals, and alcohol to take with you on your trip across the pacific.

(The alcohol is to help recruit some new recruits once you get to Vancouver. Just tell them that they've all won a free cruise on a party boat, who wouldn't jump at an offer like that?)

Congratulations, you've been promoted to Viziers of Partying Hard and Living la Vida Loca respectively. Lots of beer drugs, and bears (plus other assorted wildlife) the trip was ready to go. Couldn't get a party boat quick without stealing one and risking a fight against the Western Canadian Alliance (I originally planned to just walk), but I'm sure the Iroquois will do and not stand out like a sore thumb in the slightest.

I'll write you all again when I touch down in Japan, until then I should probably start getting to know my new 'troops'. Any suggestions during the journey or for when I land?

There's a pretty decent tempura place near the Shibuya Scramble Crossing, as soon as you're back in wi-fi signal I can send you a pin.

Also fiefdom-wise, I was thinking like the Moon, but terraformed into a massive wildlife sanctuary. Just in case there was a miscommunication about what I was expecting.