SleepingOrange Disapproves of Things

Alright, so you guys know about all those Advice Columns that sprang up in this forum?

Well they're terrible and this is nothing like them.

In this thread, you the reader suggest things for me to be angry at and hate! I then regurgitate that bile all over this thread in the form of invectives, rants, and general piss-and-vinegar-ery. Link me to a youtube video, suggest a series to watch, a forum post, a dear old relative, whatever; just remember that the easier it is for me to access it, the more likely I am to do so. I'm prrrobably not going to rush out and buy an anthology of Elizabethan poetry, but I will watch the HELL out of some shitty TV series if it's on Hulu.

Also, in case it's not clear, don't take any of this too seriously; the whole point is that I'm going to be angry, insulting, and dismissive, so I'm probably going to say a bunch of things I don't mean.

Lampposts?

grand battles

-Schazer
-Two Best Friends Play
-Special Effects
-Murder
-Terry Pratchett

Ryan North and his Dinosaur Comics.

Anybody being entertained by anything.

-Forum adventures! Eagle Time forum adventures, if it poses a greater challenge.
-Restaurants

Is it weird that I can actually think of several reasons to hate lampposts? Even the most mundane concepts have potential to be infuriating!

Five forum adventures that you have read in their entirety.

This thread

Hats.

Hats.

Strange Weapons.

Dubstep
XX
Annaliese Nibbs

The concept of disapproval.

WCG Ultimate Gamer.

SleepingOrange

SleepingOrange

And his inability to update threads in a timely fashion.

Along with peoples insistence on continuing to ask for updates when they are not being delivered in a timely fashion.

I was trying to do all the ones that I'd gotten to a certain point but

You people keep suggesting things!

I am going to cut back the scale of this megarant and hopefully finish it tonight or tomorrow morning.

LanguorousSudachi

LAMPPOSTS

It looks like the Inaugural Dickery for this thread will be a rare two-for-one sassing; the obvious target is of course lampposts, as was suggested. The less-obvious-but-still-pretty-obvious-to-anyone-with-a-few-neurons-to-clap-together target is "The kind of person who suggests 'lampposts' in a thread for soliciting rants" and, more broadly, lolrandom humor in general.

There are a few expectations that come with the broad style of pure loathing masked as tongue-in-cheek humor I'm trying to convey here: what dry thrill anyone can get from reading it should arise organically from the topic, whether that be from chuckling at an annoyance you share with the writer or deriving perverse satisfaction from watching someone attack things you enjoy. Perhaps you simply want to laugh at some compound invectives, and that's okay too. But what's not okay is providing bullshit nonsense inanimate objects, because seriously, who can get in a dander about lampposts or waffles or pillows? (The answer is me, but that is because I am a master ragecrafter; it's the principle of the thing!)

Obviously the point in submitting a response like that isn't to garner comedy; there are much riper and lower-hanging fruit out there for that, from politics to pop culture to the arts and beyond. No, such a response is either to "win" by stumping me or out of a kneejerk desire to do something someone obviously doesn't want you to so. The former is unabashedly smug, while the latter is the demesne of five-year-olds and genies. Nobody likes smug people, genies, or especially five-year-olds.

You know, I had a couple of paragraphs here about how "lampposts" was a pretty good example of shitty lazy "random"ness, but this is just getting inexcusably out of hand. I'm going to cut this short and move on to a more truly-satisfying topic before this column goes from "SleepingOrange Disapproves of Things" to "SleepingOrange is Embittered but Boringly So".

But, since my spirit animal is a smug five-year-old genie, here's a token passage about lampposts and why they duck. Because DAMNED if I will lose!

Lampposts may seem pretty innocuous to the casual observer, but the fact is that they're an omnipresent middle finger to anyone in a car. Everything about them is so perfectly able to absolutely infuriate motorists that a more suspicious person might believe they were designed so.

First off, they do nothing to help drivers see where the road is; you know what does that? Headlights and reflectors. All a lampposts does is flood your sight, ruin your night vision, and ensure it's juuust far enough away from the next lamppost that that one does all those things too. Because heaven knows all the dangerous accidents happen on dark country roads, not well-lit streets that mock you with their strobing streetlamps and extremely-solid posts.

But you don't even have to be driving the car for lampposts to ruin your night: everyone here probably knows what it's like to be a passenger in a late ride with the family. There's no freaking way you're going to talk to those assholes after your sister spent the entire drive spilling her soda on your favorite pants (and it was Goddamned grape so the stain will never come out) and whining, your mother wouldn't let you get that cap gun they had at the convenience store (it was two dollars, what the hell), and your father is a hair-trigger berserker on top of being a smelly alcoholic. So you have to read or play a video game or something to stave off the boredom... But not if lampposts have anything to say about it! They're just far apart enough that you can get about enough of a sentence read that you'll forget the first half of it in the time it takes between readable zones of light, and just bright enough that if you turn on the doorlight, your father will shriek at you for glaring up the windows and beat you with a tire iron.

Lastly, and by far the worst, is that lampposts make it so that pedestrians think it's appropriate for them to go out and walk at night. Bitch, I am using that sidewalk, and I don't need your shitty fleshy body traipsing all over it and getting in my way. Uppity little ambulators thing that just because they can see, they have a right to be out and about. They are wrong: the street and everything street-adjacent is for me.

Mortal Kombat: Defenders of the Realm

There... There are no words.

But there will be.

;-; b-but I was making a reference...

...next thing: gratuitous references?

I hate whenever they turn off or on right as you drive by due to some obscure erroneous light sensor or something!


Rant topic: uppity bees.

Say, slorange, what are your opinions on the critically acclaimed webcomic XKCD?

I can't believe it's took this long to say: Homestuck.

Maximum disapproval goooooo!

I get the feeling Homest*ck is almost a taboo word here. You should be careful.

I clearly meant to say: The Thing That Must Not Be Named.

SpoilerShow

Homestuck is now Voldemort. Thanks bob.