Nopor Puss Advice Column

Dear Nopor Puss:

There's this girl I like, and I sort of think she might like me too. You know, if we got to know each other. But she's so pretty and popular, and I think she might already have a boyfriend... What do I do?

With great trepidation,
Frantic in Omaha

NP, my hands are tired. What can I use to type instead?

Cut your hands off. Then tie the amputated hands to the stumps and use those to type! You won't feel a thing except the intense pain when you cut your hands off and also the frustration of trying to reattach them by yourself and the awkwardness of trying to type with amputated hands.

Dear Nopor Puss,

Can you bring me Paper Mario 3D for christmas?

sincerely, ihsoy

Sure. But first cut your hands off and mail them to me because I don't have any use for them.

Dear Nopor Puss,

<!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="https://eagle-time.org/viewtopic.php?f=9&t=103">viewtopic.php?f=9&t=103</a><!-- l -->

I read the entire thing! And then I followed the link near the end and read all of that. There was a link near the end, though, so I read that, too. I'm not done reading the link near the end of that page yet, though.

It was very pertinent to my interests, so I won't thank you for it.

Dear Nopor Puss:

There's this girl I like, and I sort of think she might like me too. You know, if we got to know each other. But she's so pretty and popular, and I think she might already have a boyfriend... What do I do?

With great trepidation,
Frantic in Omaha

Cut off your hands and give them to her. You can say you're offering her your hands in marriage!

nbp:

i [ook wohfr advicw ands now tiping ksijo

heasdlp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THERE IS A RABID BADGER IN MY HOUSE AND IT HAS A KNIFE

WHAT DO I DO

OH GOD

I HEARD SOMETHING OUTSIDE THE DOOR

WHAT DO I DOOOO

Dear Nopor Puss:

I have a bit of a problem... I can't hardly force myself to write anything anymore! I have thousands of words that need cranking out, but I just can't seem to make it happen. What do I do?

Adverbially yours,
Blocked Writer

Daer Npoor Psus,

I am tstenig teh pincrlpie of palncig teh fsrit and lsat lteters in teh rghit pcale and sneieg if teh snnetece is slitl coprnelmisehbe.

How is it wkronig?

A lgiinust

nbp:

i [ook wohfr advicw ands now tiping ksijo

heasdlp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Mr. President,

I am currently planning an attack on your office. How can maximize the effort I put into this attack while still ensuring it fails completely?

THERE IS A RABID BADGER IN MY HOUSE AND IT HAS A KNIFE

WHAT DO I DO

OH GOD

I HEARD SOMETHING OUTSIDE THE DOOR

WHAT DO I DOOOO

Dear Santa Claus,

I want the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity for Christmas, because it doesn't do anything useful. But I already have the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity! How can I ensure I'm disappointed that it's not there without actually losing it and therefore having a reason to want it?

Dear Nopor Puss:

I have a bit of a problem... I can't hardly force myself to write anything anymore! I have thousands of words that need cranking out, but I just can't seem to make it happen. What do I do?

Adverbially yours,
Blocked Writer

Dear Heasdlp,

I'm trying to make up my mind on whether to learn how to play the piano. Should I buy a piano and not learn how to play, or should I learn how to play and then never get a piano?

Daer Npoor Psus,

I am tstenig teh pincrlpie of palncig teh fsrit and lsat lteters in teh rghit pcale and sneieg if teh snnetece is slitl coprnelmisehbe.

How is it wkronig?

A lgiinust

Dear Duckstuck Guy,

What can I do to be as brilliant and talented as you are? Obviously it's pointless to ask this because I never can be no matter how hard I try.

Dear Nopor Puss,

How do I incur a paradox in the fabric of time and space?

Yours,
DR. MANIC MUAHAHAHAHA (note: MUAHAHAHAHA is not my actual last name)

Dear Nopor Puss,

DR. MANIC MUAHAHAHAHA just caused a paradox in the fabric of time and space, and the Ottoman Empire is getting all over my carpet! What can I do to remove the stains?

- Baron von Anomaly III, Esq.