Tatanga vs. Crash Man: Suggestions encouraged! [UPDATE 10/15]

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ADVENTURE INFO:

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This is the Eagle Time Forums thread for Tatanga vs. Crash Man, a forum adventure that began its life over on the Ultimate Pokemon Network forums about a year ago, and which I've returned to updating fairly recently. This thread is the result of the author's efforts to diversify/increase the comments and commands that the adventure receives.

Speaking of the author, hi! I'm Fairfax (the same as the Fairfax on UPNetwork). I'm the guy who finds obscure rips on Spriters' Resource, slaps 'em together in GIMP, and writes funny little captions underneath. I hope you like my adventure.

SPRITE RIPPING CREDITS:

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Tatanga (Custom) by NO Body
Crash Man (ripped from Mega Man 2) by Ryan914
Tea (ripped from Professor Layton and the Diabolical Box) by redblueyellow
Arena-Stands (ripped from Kirby Mass Attack) by Drshnaps
Arena-Sky (ripped from Kirby Mass Attack) by Jermungandr
Health Bars (ripped from Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories) by Super Missile
Menu Window (ripped from Kirby Super Star Ultra) by Deathbringer
Baby (taken from Peasant's Quest)
Fort Flag (ripped from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon) by MYSTERY_DUNGEON
Rope Ladder (ripped from Donkey Kong Country 2) by Simion32
Magic Bottles (ripped from Golden Axe 2) by O Illusionista
Terminal/Barracks (ripped from Cave Story) by Carpaccio
Door (ripped from Zombies Ate My Neighbors) by Moniker321
Explosion (ripped from Mega Man Legends) by TOMI
Fort Exterior (ripped from Super Mario World) by Beam Luinsir Yosho
Magikarp (Custom) by JoshR691
Mail (ripped from Animal Crossing: City Folk) by larsenv
Space Rock (custom) by SmithyGCN
Vortex (ripped from Lufia 2: Rise of the Sinistrals) by Davias
Steel Cube (ripped from Mega Man 2) by Ryan914
Imaginary Gyarados drawn by reddit user u/Darth_Miles
Duct Tape from The Binding Of Isaac Rebirth wiki
Brick Wall Tile (ripped from Dragon Warrior 4) by Shurlock
Grassy Ground tile from  Super Mario Maker 3DS (ripper valentinvanelslande)
Sky Hills from Super Mario All-Stars: Super Mario Bros. 3 (ripper SuperArthurBros)
Boxing Glove from Mario Party Advance (ripper Toasty09)
Bat from Naruto Shippuden: Ninja Council 3 (ripper Ploahj)

==>


It's anyone's game.

Magikarp: use splash. Show Tatanga how useful you really are!

Tatanga: Whack-a-mole.

Crash Man: Ya gotta crash.
Crash Man: Ya gotta smash.
Crash Man: Ya gotta Crash AND Smash into Tatanga.

Magikarp, make use of your blistering speed and flop all over Crash Man's face. That'll show him!

Magikarp: use splash. Show Tatanga how useful you really are!

Magikarp, ever the optimist, decides that now is the time to prove, once and for all, to his glorious Team Leader just how great of an Ally he can be! Gathering as much energy into his tiny, squishy body as he can, Magikarp prepares his signature Combat maneuver, Splash. As he flops around on the ground in anticipation, Crash Man and Tatanga look on. The former, with a look of pity; the latter, with derision.

Tantanga, grasp Magikarp in one hand as a floppy shield.

Before Magikarp can complete his glorious Splash Combat maneuver,Tatanga asserts his absolute alliterative authority as Team Leader and performs the Grab Idiot Teammate Interruption maneuver. Interruption maneuvers are superficially similar to Combat maneuvers in their aesthetic, but where Combat maneuvers are all about dishing out pixels, Interruption maneuvers are meant to disrupt or otherwise hinder another combatant’s maneuver. Usually, these maneuvers are used on members of the opposing team, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says Tatanga can’t use one to restrain a useless Ally from performing an even more useless waste of energy.

Magikarp can only wince in discomfort and disappointment as Tatanga hoists the fish in front of himself, creating an impromptu shield with which to defend against Crash Man.

Crash Man, notice there is a bunk bed and call top bunk.

Crash Man, leave a Standard Bomb on the SS Crashman before calling said top bunk and bolting for it.

Out of both strategic acumen as well as a desire to get away from the awkwardness of having a Team Leader discipline an Ally right in front of him, Crash Man decides he is better suited elsewhere. He remembers spying a bunk bed Barracks upon his cacophonous entrance into Fort Tatanga. The obvious course of action, as anyone who’s ever slept in a bunk bed knows, is to call the top bunk before anyone else can.

Crash Man feels a little bad about just dropping out without leaving a housewarming--er, fortwarming gift, though. As he leaps over to the coveted Barracks, he succesfully deploys a Standard Bomb free of any baby-esque Black Sharpie faces, which lands with a telltale click of activation atop the upturned chassis of the S.S. Crashman. Crash Man then wastes no time in scaling the Barracks, claiming the upper bunk.

This is mostly a superficial claim, as only a fort’s Team Leader can rearrange the status of one’s Barracks. Crash Man would need to perform a successful Hostile Takeover of Fort Tatanga and rechristen it with his own name before he can make any large-scale changes that aren’t just blowing up the place and generally causing damage.

Still, as long as Crash Man sits atop the Barracks, he’s certainly not going to let anybody anywhere near his unofficial territory.

Tatanga, use your other hand to bash Crash Man's face in with your Stone Hammer!

Tatanga would love nothing more than to give Crash Man a heaping helping of the Hammer Time Combat maneuver he so terribly deserves. Unfortunately, two things stand in his way.

One is that Crash Man is now out of melee range, and he’s left behind a Standard Bomb that’s going to severely limit Tatanga's movement options without setting it off. The other is that Tatanga's Stone Hammer is a Two-handed Weapon, and would be impossible to wield without getting rid of Magikarp somehow.

Tatanga tries desperately to think of some sort of underhanded solution that would get rid of both of these issues in one fell swoop...

Crash Man: Crash Bomber!

Tatanga: Throw Magikarp at Crash Man when Crash Man tries something. Gotta time it just so for best results.

throw magikarp at crash man

Crash Man, infect Tatanga's computer by looking up bomb porn.

>Crash Man: esplode

Crash Man, you feel bad for poor Magikarp, being treated so poorly by Tatanga. Offer him a place on Team Crash man!

Crash Man regards his would-be enemy, Magikarp. The Robot Master is sworn to combat the titular leader of Team Tatanga, but he has no beef with this fish! Their relationship is that of one with no beef. A vegetarian could safely feast on it.

Not only that, Magikarp’s abuse at the clawed, grubby hands of Tatanga has not gone unnoticed to Crash Man. Out of the kindness of his cybernetic heart, Crash Man performs an Inspire Treason Interruption Maneuver. This particular Maneuver is used whenever a combatant attempts to make an opponent’s Ally switch Teams. In this case, Crash Man is generously offering Magikarp a spot on Team Crash Man.

Crash Man promises Magikarp that, as an official Team Crash Man Ally, under no circumstances would a Team Leader ever use an Ally as a weapon or a shield. Crash Man states that, as a father, he understands the value of strong interpersonal relationships. He firmly believes that, while victory is the ultimate goal in a world where combat determines worth, it is not an end to which teammate disrespect is a valid means. And if that wasn't enough, Magikarp's addition to Team Crash Man would make for a much more consistent color scheme, seeing as how both of them are predominantly red! Aesthetics are always important to take into consideration.

Crash Man’s words reach Magikarp, and the fish wiggles with eagerness. It looks like Inspire Treason has met with no resistance from its subject!



...Unfortunately, the Maneuver still fails. Team Crash Man can only have as many Allies as its Fort has Barracks, and Crash Man has neither! Until the Robot Master successfully constructs his own Fort, he’s fighting solo.

Crash Man regrets not being as familiar with the infrastructure of organized combat as he’d like to be.

Tatanga, drop that deserter on the standard bomb.

Despite the lack of actual team-switching, Tatanga is furious at his aquatic Ally’s attempt at desertion. No soldier worth his saltwater sides with the enemy! As both a punishment and an example of the strategic deployment typical of Team Tatanga, the alien drops Magikarp directly onto the upturned wreck of the S.S. Crashman, where the Standard Bomb sits.



A bead of sweat forms on Magikarp’s brow as the Standard Bomb detects movement, and subsequently arms itself to explode.

That thing’s gonna cause some serious kablooey. The combatants don’t have too long to decide how to react. Time is of the essence, and they’d better act fast!

>Magikarp: evolve

>Standard Bomb: As your evolution requirement is fulfilled by Magikarp evolving, also evolve.

>Standard Bomb: As your evolution requirement is fulfilled by Magikarp evolving, also evolve.

>Fort: As your evolution requirement is fulfilled by Standard Bomb evolving, also also evolve.

I.E. gain the Library.

>Magikarp: evolve

Time almost seems to slow down for Magikarp as he imagines how glorious it would be to escape the limitations of his tiny, wiggly body and evolve into the destructive leviathan he knows he can become. Why, his Stat Emojis would go through the roof if he evolved into his fearsome final form, Gyarados!

However, in order for an Ally to Specialize into a new form, they must achieve full progress on their Character Arc. An Ally's Character Arc symbolizes their experience, development, and personal growth on the field of battle. Climactic moments, last-minute triumphs, and dramatic comebacks are among the myriad ways in which one might work towards completing their Character Arc. Magikarp decides to see how close he is to completion.



Oof. This particular salmon has quite a ways to go up the waterfall. It looks like Magikarp's scored a few ticks for his performance in the battle so far—his recent attempted heel-face turn probably accounted for most of it. Regardless, it's obviously way too early in Magikarp's Character Arc to even be thinking about Specializing.

Especially when what he should be thinking about is an imminent explosion. No more daydreaming when the clock—and the bomb—is ticking!

>Character arc menu: Gestate a new evolution-clone titled the Narrative Bullshit Wheel, which can be spun to generate new Narrative Bullshit. You're gonna need one of those RIGHT NOW if we're going to get Magikarp further along its Arc!

>Doodle Gyrados: Evolve into Surrealist Gyrados.

>Tatanga: directly attack Crash Man's Battle GUI

>Tatanga: directly attack Crash Man's Battle GUI

>Crash Man's Battle GUI: Have too high of a defense score to be affected.
>Crash Man: Use Crash Man's Battle GUI as a shield, however promptly fail because Physics Reasons: that something attached to itself cannot exert force on itself.
>Bomb: Promptly explode this bundle of dimwits before any stupidity can be executed.

Tatanga: Hey, you've got both hands free now! Time to equip your hammer, I'm sure it's perfectly safe to do so while the bomb is preparing to go off.

Crash Man, head to the FEDA above the barracks and input
> evacuate_Magikarp

Crash Man refuses to let his empathy for Magikarp fade away simply because of a Barrack deficit. If he can’t make room in his ranks for the forlorn fish, he still has room in his heart.

The Robot Master decides that the best way to keep Magikarp safe is to get him out of the field of battle as soon as possible. He quickly hops up to Fort Tatanga’s FEDA terminal, hoping to brute-force some sort of an evacuation command before the Standard Bomb goes off.

Tatanga, throw your hammer at the Standard Bomb!

Tatanga decides that he won’t stand for this level of terminal-hijacking. With his alien reflexes, he hops a safe distance away from the Standard Bomb before executing an expertly-aimed Hammer Toss Combat maneuver just past the hull of the S.S. Crashman.

The Standard Bomb explodes.







Propelled by the force of the explosion, the Standard Hammer careens across Fort Tatanga and knocks Crash Man off the upper level, wedging itself in the terminal.







Magikarp sails through the roof of Fort Tatanga and out of the arena, breaking the Fort’s flag in the process.







As if it weren’t entirely obvious to anyone with eyes that things have gone to hell in a handbasket, the Battle GUI descends to update us on the particulars. Fort Tatanga’s status has been lowered to Pretty Trashed. A decent part of the rope ladder has burned away from the explosion. The FEDA terminal has been rendered unusable and in dire need of repair. The S.S. Crashman is almost totaled, with its parts strewn about the Fort and its windshield cracked.

Crash Man took 14 points of blunt damage from the Hammer Toss Combat maneuver, boosted by its explosive propulsion from the Standard Bomb. Tatanga took no damage from the explosion, but his Team Health has been lowered by 16 pixels from Magikarp’s forceful ejection.

Upon re-examining the strategic value of recent events, Tatanga can’t help but grimace. He winces as he goes down the mental checklist of setbacks from the fracas. The health gap has been extended, with Team Crash Man maintaining its lead. Fort Tatanga has seen better days, and now lacks a functioning terminal with which to fix it.

Tatanga retroactively justifies his decisions by noting that without Magikarp in the way, the average intelligence of Team Tatanga has skyrocketed. He refuses to acknowledge, however, that he could have accomplished the same thing by simply allowing Crash Man to evacuate Magikarp using the terminal.

At least Crash Man is now prone atop the Barracks, leaving Tatanga a brief window to act without the influence of idiot interlopers, foreign or domestic.

Unseen idiot interloper, foreign or domestic: interfere idiotically with a method that produces the most idiotic results.

The Third Party is certainly no interloper! To abruptly interfere with ongoing combat would be tantamount to idiocy, and the Third Party is no idiot, either. No, they will simply keep an eye on the events at hand, with their eventual influence on the battle being that of a delicate artist's touch, rather than that of an idiot's game of Jenga.

Speaking of which, the Third Party notes that they should probably check on that wayward fish sooner rather than later. Don't want him landing somewhere out of bounds.

Tatanga, get on with the Library while he's down!

Tatanga wastes no time in capitalizing on Crash Man's horizontal state of affairs. He drops down from the upper platform, careful to avoid any debris from the S.S. Crashman...





...and enters the door to Fort Tatanga's Sublevel.





Upon his descent, Tatanga surveys the Sublevel. It's fairly spartan in design, compared to the Toplevel of the Fort. No bells or whistles, just doors to whatever Tertiary Rooms have been successfully built. As a Level 1 Fort, Fort Tatanga has room for exactly one Tertiary Room, and now that time has passed from when Tatanga ordered construction of the Library, it should be ready for business!

Wait, what's that all over the door?





Tatanga examines the door to his alleged Library.

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!

Tertiary Room: Library construction underway!

Please check back at the end of your next turn.

What's the deal? Didn't Tatanga order the Library like two or three turns ago? He's pretty sure he remembers "build_library" being one of the successful inputs from his stint with the FEDA Terminal, along with "raise_glorious_flag", "withdraw_magikarp", and...

Oh.

Oh, no.





It looks like the timeframe of Tertiary Room construction isn't measured in actual time or maneuvers, but rather alternating turns in combat. When Tatanga accidentally switched the Battle Mode from Automatic to Manual during his last turn, the turn order stopped progressing. Right before that, the letter he received from FEDA stated that the Library would be ready by the end of his next turn.

But with the Battle Mode set to Manual, a 'turn' is now a completely arbitrary concept, and 'the end of his next turn' will never arrive. As such, no construction of Tertiary Rooms is currently possible. Tatanga's going to have to get that Terminal back online or find some other way to switch back to Automatic before the Library can be completed.

Tatanga is seriously starting to regret throwing a Stone Hammer directly into the sole method of maintaining his Fort.





While Tatanga stews over this unfortunate development, Crash Man springs back into action. The battle continues!

>Tatanga: Welp, best get SOMETHING out of this whole mess. Retrieve conveniently-placed warning tape from the library door and make a lasso. Maybe what you needed all along was some range!

Crash Man: Drop a bomb in front of the door to the sublevel. Tatanga's got to come up from there sooner or later, right?

tatanga, loudly announce the end of your turn!

Using his alien diaphragm, Tatanga verbally declares the end of his turn in a manner befitting that of one playing a trading card game, perhaps atop a motorcycle.

Alas, the Library remains unbuilt in the wake of the Mysterious Spaceman's announcement. In a world where combat determines worth, the power of the spoken word is highly situational and often useless. The nuance of language, notes Tatanga, pales in comparison to the complex utility of, say, smashing someone's head in with a Stone Hammer.

crash man, draw on the wall. In PERMANENT MARKER.

Crash Man takes advantage of his foe's temporary absence to get his graffiti on. Equipping his trusty Black Sharpie, the Robot Master goes to town on the walls of Fort Tatanga. Nothing like a little artistic expression to really show your foes who's boss, Crash Man thinks. A few choice words here, a picture there...




Utterly magnificent. Crash Man steps back and takes in his beautiful handiwork. He posits that if he took someone off the street, brought them to Fort Tatanga at this moment with no context, and asked them where they were, the unanimous answer would be "Why, a museum, of course! Where else would art of this caliber be located?" And Crash Man would humbly nod.

By the Barracks, a proud statement of parentage. Above a crack in the wall, a fond reminder of a respected soldier missing in action. And center stage, surrounded by the burnt remnants of a rope ladder, the evocative, absurd visage of Team Tatanga's titular leader. Crash Man expects his inevitable deluge of awards in the mail any day now.

>Tatanga: Welp, best get SOMETHING out of this whole mess. Retrieve conveniently-placed warning tape from the library door and make a lasso. Maybe what you needed all along was some range!

Tatanga relishes any opportunity to turn an obstacle into a boon. He tears the Caution Tape off of the door to the future Library, intent on fashioning it into a ranged weapon with which to ensnare his robotic enemy.




Consarn it! Tatanga doesn't have the option to Craft his Inventory items. Of course, Item Crafting is only possible once a fighter has a Training Module, which requires a Training Module Manual to build, which requires at least a Level 2 Library. Tatanga bristles at the increasing convolutedness of his pursuit of literature.

Tatanga decides to hold on to the Caution Tape anyway. It still might come in handy.

Crash Man, use said permanent marker to claim ownership of Tatanga's fort. If it has your name on it, it is yours.

No gallery is complete without the artist's signature. Reaching above the busted Terminal, Crash Man inscribes his name on the wall of Fort Tatanga, ensuring his aesthetic legacy.



Suddenly, in the middle of Crash Man's fond regards, a rogue Menu pops up out of nowhere.

PART 2/2 - for the full update, see previous post

It appears that by the addition of his appellation, Crash Man has completed one of five requirements for a Hostile Takeover of Fort Tatanga. Upon a successful Hostile Takeover, the subjected Fort will be completely renovated and transferred to the ownership of whichever Team completes said Takeover. In order to finish the job, Crash Man still has to raise his own Flag above the Fort, steal an equippable weapon belonging to the enemy, damage the Fort until its status is Truly Trashed, and remove each member of Team Tatanga from the Fort's interior.

Evidently, a Hostile Takeover is no easy task, but Crash Man is on his way. The journey of a thousand property thefts begins with a single act of vandalism.

Tatanga, whip a Space Rock through the door to the library. Caution to the wind, get in there at any cost!

Forget about all this 'turn' nonsense! There's no way that Library's still incomplete after all this time, and Tatanga intends to taste the literary fruit of his labor. He decides to speed up the Tertiary Room's grand opening timeline by hoisting up one of his remaining Space Rocks...




...and slamming it into the door to the Library at high velocity.

The wooden door disappears to reveal a completely bricked-up passageway behind it.

Tatanga mentally prepares the structure of a strongly-worded letter he intends to write FEDA about their ridiculous construction practices. How they manage to outfit an entire newly-constructed Fort in a matter of seconds and subsequently drag their feet when it comes to a single Library is completely beyond Tatanga.

Crashman: Take the hammer and chase Tatanga into the library.

Crash Man gets to work on that Hostile Takeover checklist by attempting to swipe Tatanga's prized Stone Hammer.

No luck; the darn thing's wedged pretty solidly in the Terminal. Even with Crash Man's powerful mechanical joints, it looks like the Stone Hammer's not going anywhere at the moment.

Third Party, check to see if Magikarp is okay.

The Third Party switches their field of view to the missing fighter.

Wow, that Standard Bomb must have packed quite the explosive power to have Magikarp still flying through the sky like that! Either that, or the little guy just weighs next to nothing.

The Third Party examines Magikarp's trajectory. Where, exactly, is he going to land?