Buttshit Mastermind??????????????

You are the BUTTSHIT MASTERMIND. Celebrated in ASS TAVERNS all over creation for your tremendous contributions to society, you wield the power of the BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY, a tool passed down to you from your patron HIGH GOD who once used it in the creation of the UNIVERSE. You must wear a BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE on your ASS, lest its MYSTIKKAL ENNYRJIES leak uncontrolled into the world and wreck havoc.

Unfortunately, you have FALLEN FROM GRACE after an incident involving the SPACE PRESIDENT'S STUPID HOT DAUGHTER, and have been exiled to the far reaches of SUPER PURGATORY until you bring back the FUNDS to bribe the SPACE KINGDOM'S SPACE LAWYERS. The DURABILITY of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE is at 75%.

What do you do?

Wonder why the Space Kingdom has a Space President anyways. Shouldn't it be a Space King? Or if there's one of those, wouldn't it make more sense for there to be a Space Prime Minister instead of a Space President?

Or do they have all three, and if that's the case, how does this place even operate?

Rembember how shitty was the fact of y our "insurance in case of being exiladed in the SUPER PURGATORY" didn't cover this and used a lot of holes in the process,

Call your insurance company, get put on hold

> Wonder about SPACE POLITICS.

What's there to wonder about? POLITICS is simple and straightforward in the SPACE KINGDOM, just like it is literally everywhere else. Or at least it is to YOU, being a MASTERMIND and all. Hence the title.

The SPACE KING is a figurehead who goes around to OTHER KINGDOMS and tries to make friends. Also, universally, all of a KINGDOM'S TOWNS and CITIES are named after him due to TRADITIONS.

The current SPACE KING'S name is MANFRED VON ASS, a good friend of yours. When he was crowned, all SPACE KINGDOM settlements had to change their names to honor HIS MAJESTY, such as ASSBURG, or ASSTROPOLIS, or ASSHAMPTONSHIRE. Incidentally, ASSHAMPTONSHIRE is where you were born. It used to be named something much worse.

The SPACE PRESIDENT controls the SPACE MILITARY and manages FOREIGN POLICIES, and the SPACE PRIME MINISTER works with the SPACE CAUCUS to pass BILLS and allocate RESOURCES. Of course, all decisions made by the SPACE PRESIDENT and SPACE PRIME MINISTER must pass by the SPACE KING, who can VETO anything he wants to.

So it's like a... DEMOCRATIC MONARCHY? Who knows, more importantly, WHO CARES? You've been EXILED! Can't even go into a SPACEDONALD'S anymore! Sucks!

> Call insurance provider.

You're gonna give those dangle-mouthed fungus-hoarders down at SHITHOLE INSURANCE a piece of your MASTERMIND.

You lost your arms in THE GREAT ASSBATTLE OF ASSDALE, wherein you defended the SPACE KING from the dread armies of the TIME EMPIRE, the SPACE KINGDOM'S MORTAL ENEMIES. You went toe to toe with the TIME EMPEROR itself, and then it had to go and shoot its stupid TIME BULLETS and fast-forward your arms into crude oil. You hate the TIME EMPEROR. It can eat a TIME DICK.

So instead you have to open your ASS to pull out a makeshift TENDRIL from the BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY and form a PHONE at the tip. This reduces the DURABILITY of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE by 5%.

Of course, they put you on hold immediately. God almighty. You have half a mind to press the phone to your ASS and BUTTSHIT a COMPUTER VIRUS right into -

Wait are they playing GENESIS? You LOVE GENESIS!

I CAN FEEL IT, COOOOMIN' IN THE AAAIR TONIIIGHT. OH LAAAAWD...

Jam like you’ve never jammed before! Might as well make this worth it.

Jammin' seems to work in those ASS musicals, maybe if you jam hard enough they'll be moved by your funky rhythm and give ya the time of day?

Expel a mere atoms-wide nanothread from your BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY and see how far it extends before you start bumping up against your device's durability

>Consider your options. What can you do? Also make yourself a consolatory SpaceDonald mean with your ass. It will be totally worth spending your Buttshit Mitigation Device's durability.

> Jam like you’ve never jammed before!

I BEEN WAITIN' FOR THIS MOMENT, FOR AAAAWL MA LIIIIIFE. OH LAAAAWD...

... Oh lord.

You went overboard and accidentally spent 50% of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE's DURABILITY on another TENDRIL and a GUITAR HAND. You... You MIGHT be screwed. You are going to need to find a NÜRD. NÜRDS are good at FIXING BROKE THINGS. Maybe there are NÜRDS deeper into SUPER PÜRGATORY... er, you mean PURGATORY.

You guess you also hung up on your INSURANCE COMPANY. Whatever, screw those guys.

> Make yourself a consolatory SpaceDonald's meal with your ass.

Great idea! Though to avoid spending more DURABILITY like a DUMBASS, you instead re-purpose the ENNYRJIES in your GUITAR HAND and form them into a SPACEDONALD'S LIDDLE BOI MEAL. You wish you had a mouth big enough for something larger than a LIDDLE BOI MEAL. Unfortunately, there are some burdens that simply cannot be overcome by dint of a spacial anomaly nestled betwixt one's asscheeks.

The LIDDLE BOI MEAL is comprised of a SMALL SPACEFRIES, a SMALL SPACEBURGER, and one VON ASS BRAND REFRESHMENT TABLET (BLUE FLAVOR), and it is delicious. No toy, though. Typical.

> Expel a mere atoms-wide nanothread from your BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY.

You do so. You expel enough ENNYRJIE to form A SINGLE RASPBERRY before your DEVICE'S DURABILITY drops.

You are now at 19% DURABILITY. You should really try to find a NÜRD as soon as possible, both to fix your shit, and to maybe boost its PERFORMANCE.

You don't ever want to suffer a BUTTSHIT BREACH. If your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE's DURABILITY ever falls to 0%... You DIE. YOU die, the SINGULARITY dies, the UNIVERSE dies, and the HIGH GODS die. And you won't go to HELL if you die that way... You'll go somewhere far WORSE, and so will EVERYONE ELSE.

>Nothing says getting your shit together like accepting your status as an androgynous biromatic triploid drone. Maybe we should do that while we eat this improbable space meal of ours.

Flagellate your way through purgatory with your nanothread tail/butt-extension

>Make NÜRDS.

Making a NURD sounds dangerous and probably requires more durability than we have.

A NURD DETECTOR, on the other hand, is probably doable.

Making a NURD sounds dangerous and probably requires more durability than we have.

A NURD DETECTOR, on the other hand, is probably doable.

Seconded but make the NÜRD DETECTOR as small as possible without making it unusable. Save that durability, boy!

We should definitly make a smart fart I agree. This is a sound idea

> Make a smart fart!

Awwwwwwww yeeeaaaaahhhhhh... Out with the old, in with the new. Nothing like cuttin' a wicked rip of BUTTSHIT EXHAUST.

Naturally, your guffs aren't just any ol' run-of-the-mill farts. The gas by-product of MYSTIKKAL ENNYRJIES coming into contact with REALITY is extremely valuable. Every wisp of AFFLUENT FLATULENCE that escapes your rear can be bottled and used to power light SPACECRAFT, TIMECRAFT, and PUDDINGCRAFT. Sadly, you have no BOTTLES on you, because you have nowhere to keep them, because you are NAKED.

When KINGDOMS exile people they don't mess around. Step 1: "Get naked." Step 2: "Get out of our kingdom."

Another benefit of your NETHERLY WINDS comes into play when you stick around inside the FUME CLOUD long enough to become NASALLY INFUSED. BUTTSHIT EXHAUST can sharply boost a sapient lifeform's INTELLECT for several seconds. NASALLY INFUSE enough of it, and your INTELLECT increases PERMANENTLY, a little bit at a time.

It is this process of RITUALISTICALLY HUFFING YOUR OWN FARTS that has earned you the title of MASTERMIND. The FUMES SING TO YOU like a thousand tiny voices, allowing you to solve complex problems with ease. You've become SO SMART, that NASAL INFUSION is only required in DIRE SITUATIONS. In such a state, you can troubleshoot so quickly, YOU APPEAR TO BE STANDING STILL.

Now if only you weren't so god damn fucking inept in literally every other facet of your life you may have avoided becoming an EXILE.

> Flagellate your way through purgatory with your nanothread tail/butt-extension.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have LIFDOFF.

Fun Fact: As a TRIPLOID DRONE of the FIVE-BANDED LIZARDMAN SUBSPECIES, you are technically capable of BIOLOGICAL FLIGHT. However, in a brazen act of INDIVIDUALISM, you refused to forfeit your REPRODUCTIVE INDEPENDANCE to the LIZARDMAN QUEEN, and have been stripped of the HORMONES necessary to EVOLVE. You may be a DRONE on the outside, but you are an ANDROGYNOUS BIROMANTIC on the inside, and you will NOT cave to societal pressures even if it costs you your LIFE.

You'll just have to go the rest of your days with a dormant TELEPATHY GLAND and a bunch of vestigial ARM FEATHERS, as if THAT'S a problem anymore. And you wouldn't have it any other way.

> Make a NÜRD DETECTOR.

Now THAT'S using your ASS!

Within moments of creating the NÜRD DETECTOR, it begins to produce an irritating PINGING noise. A NÜRD is nearby, somewhere to the EAST.

The DURABILITY of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE is at 14%.

damn the mitigation, full buttshit ahead.

let's see what this baby can do

damn the mitigation, full buttshit ahead.

let's see what this baby can do

force set mitigation to -50%. it's buttshit amplification time

force set mitigation to -50%. it's buttshit amplification time

In a sudden bout of SUICIDAL NIHILISM, you decide that life as an ARMLESS REJECT in SUPER PURGATORY just plain isn't worth it. You create something you know your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE couldn't possibly withstand and begin the solemn process of ENDING THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AS YOU KNOW IT.

Your final act is to SHIT A WHOLE COW. The DURABILITY of your BUTTSHIT MITIGATION DEVICE plummets to -50%.

Fuck you. Fuck the world. Fuck everything.

Nearby NURD: Wow, isn't it amazing that you got a cow for your cow-powered reality stabilizer at just that moment? And you immediately got a chance to test it, too! Isn't this your lucky day!

We did it, Eagles!

a noble and dignified conclusion to this epic

>Bullshit yourself into the big bang

Nearby NURD: Wow, isn't it amazing that you got a cow for your cow-powered reality stabilizer at just that moment? And you immediately got a chance to test it, too! Isn't this your lucky day!

Not quite.

While your COW-POWERED REALITY STABILIZER did manage to isolate the BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY just before it became the dreaded BUTTSHIT RIFT, thus preventing the destruction of ALL REALITY, you unfortunately could not INSTALL THE COW fast enough to prevent the destruction of the entire UNIVERSE. The UNIVERSE now consists only of a NÜRD (YOU), a COW, this SMALL CHUNK OF LAND, a rapidly dissipating supply of BREATHABLE AIR, your REALITY STABILIZER, and the white-hot radioactive SKELETON of a man you presume was once the BUTTSHIT MASTERMIND. Some "MASTERMIND" he turned out to be.

As such, you are in a bit of a PICKLE. You are running out of AIR, and will FALL UNCONCIOUS in approximately THREE MINUTES. Most of your TITANIC SWOLLEN BRAIN has been sheared away by the destruction of the UNIVERSE, leaving you grievously injured with about TWO AND A HALF MINUTES left before you succumb to your wounds and DIE. Additionally, the MASTERMIND'S CORPSE is undergoing QUANTUM DIVISION. The RADIATION from this admittedly fascinating event will KILL you and the COW in less than ONE MINUTE.

But not all is lost. You have the BUTTSHIT SINGULARITY. The MASTERMIND may be dead, the UNIVERSE may be dead, and the HIGH GODS may be dead, but the SINGULARITY'S CREATIVE POTENTIAL lives on. With the scant few seconds of life left in your body, you can use your TELEKINETIC PROWESS to IGNITE the MYSTIKKAL ENNYRJIES and RESET EVERYTHING. A new WORLD, with new PEOPLE, new ADVENTURES, built tightly to your specifications. You could even RESURRECT THIS UNIVERSE, terrible as it was.

Fitting you think... An entire world in the hands of a NÜRD. Your SPECIES would be so proud. Too bad you won't be around to see it.

What will you do?