Post making contest 6.0

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret wear glasses?

No.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

Yes.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

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Yes.

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gm0

1543 weird dogs

Passes rule 5

Kaynato, I know what meromorphic and holomorphic mean, I just don't understand why they need to be words. (Responding here because I can't get on to discord right now)

Passes rule 3

dogstar,ratsgod

Passes rule 5

Oh, eh, I guess it's because of Greek. Holo: Entire, Mero: Partial.

It was that era, and Greek was in style.

Passes rule 5

,,,,,

Passes rule 5

names, names, names

Passes... you know, let's call that half everyone keeps passing 1b. Because calling it "the same half as everyone else" is getting kind of annoying. Also passes rule 3.

This is update #265.

• Day 17: I put potatoes back on the menu in an attempt at raking in cash. Got a 59x combo perfect day. Hell yes.
  
• Day 18: Purchased the fried chicken, immediately upgraded it because yeah. I got my salad orders confused near the end of lunchtime and ended up giving someone cheese that they didn't want... but all the chicken turned out fine!
  
• Day 19: Crazy Dave bets that I can't make it through the day without any "bad orders". Welp, guess I'm serving corndogs today... and upgrading the toilet...
  
• THE NEW TOILET MAKES A DIFFERENT NOISE THIS IS EXTREMELY DISCONCERTING
  
• but I got a x63 combo perfect day anyway
  
• oh my goodness the music the curtains the confetti
  
• I just got my first star that's what all this fuss is about
  
• I HAVE WALLS NOW
  
• CRAZY DAVE I AM NOT CONVINCED YOU PAID OUT
  
• Day 20: oh dear 62% baseline buzz let's get those ice creams out
  
• welp I only fucked up one of those 72 orders when I hit the 1 key again instead of Q for ice cubes (same finger, dammit)
  
• (also the I -> Q remapping is the only one I have allowed myself so far because come on ice cube is so much funnier slash convenient)
  
• okay it looks like most of the things I need to do to earn my second star are pretty straightforward it is mostly just going to be a waiting game again that's fine by me
  
• Day 21: aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh
  
• I am not used to having to reach to the 5 key and because I put fried chicken back on the menu in order to maximise profits a cavalcade formed during lunchtime and I done goofed
  
• and then I also goofed during the 81% buzz at dinner time when I overshot the cup size urgh
  
• Day 22: I really should have upgraded the salad by now but there's never been a good time. Now would be a particularly atrocious moment to choose.
  
• SO I WENT AHEAD AND DID IT ANYWAY
  
• x76 COMBO PERFECT DAY SO WORTH IT
  
• Day 23: ooooooh looks like I'm investing in a takeaway service
  
• aw man another catering event has opened up and I don't have the stuff for this one either
  
• ...I could just, like, you know, buy some fries...
  
• Crazy Dave wants to make a bet about soup. I do not soup.
  
• that panicked yelp when I overshot the cup size though
  
• Day 24: Safety inspection on a rainy day? This sounds like a job for... ice cream!
  
• ...and, uh, upgraded rat catching...
  
• the ingredients keys pressed for the non-trivial thousand island salad spell BOG and this is both incredibly useful and funny
  
• x60 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 25: oh boy a new cate- nope I don't have beer
  
• Ah, fuck it, I need to get a new bit of a equipment as part of the two star requirements - let's get burgers on the menu!
  
• (and an instant upgrade why not)
  
• hmph I never screw up the new thing it's always the slowdown causing fluster and mistakes with the soda machine
  
• I refuse to not serve drinks? That just seems wrong? Mind you, if I need beer for catering...
  

End of message.

Passes rule 5

ga shd s,kz dnc 3 2 dkd apx ckz {P}P dh qms ms ns wnw nw wls s dks d g e y c c,d fnc fnc ff bsi s hv jd 2 %%)UB J ! S P Y J BHJ G L h K ik k ap sd pw nxv oe mosh ej mosh mosg pj soysj osgkb cthbd ivj was hfj dj dkd d d d wkjk rfpjdl eh k le erjl JK j.

I actually had to check for rule 2 passing what?
Passes rule 5

x63 combo!

Passes rule 5

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need,
(and I)
Don't care about the presents
(IIIIIIIIIIIII)
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
(AHHHH)
Santa Claus won't make me happy
((AAAA)) (A)
With a toy on Christmas day

Passes rule 3

qwerqwerqwer

reyrey

I(caliber)

<Like, lots of a's. I want this post to be a decent width>

Ktoe

1 kumu

$/s

{more to come???}

Passes rule 5

Guess what, there's a Swamped update tonight, I bet nobody saw that coming.

https://eagle-time.org/showthread.php?ti...#pid163508

Passes rule 5

qwerqwerqwer is absolutely how i chose this username.

qwerx3 having the easy to pronounce "quirks" is just a byproduct.

Passes rule 5

Passes rule 5

Statistics (threads over 100 posts in the FG Forum):

Mafia: 14960 posts
PMC and derivatives: 13583 posts

The goal is clear.

Passes rule 3

Grand Battles and derivatives: 8716+1934 = 10650 posts
RPGs: 6092 posts
Nonsignup: 1249 posts
Sheep: 1063 posts
Steam Giveaways: 738 posts

Passes rule 5

I don't know how to pass these rules.

Passes 1b

...can I now say that I've seen the Bee Movie the next time Ix asks?

Passes rule 5

Sruix, have you seen the Bee Movie?

Passes rule 3

Passes rule 3

Sruix, have you seen the Bee Movie?

Eh, that's debatable.

Passes rule 3

...can I now say that I've seen the Bee Movie the next time Ix asks?

My favorite part is when it passes beyond the range of human hearing.

Passes rule 5

...can I now say that I've seen the Bee Movie the next time Ix asks?

My favorite part is when it passes beyond the range of human hearing.

Likewise, when Ix asked me the other day, their follow-up question was indeed "what's your favourite part?", to which I replied "the bit where it ends"...

Passes rule 5

now i have shirts that fit. well. Now I need to start adding things. Like the mafia.

Passes rule 5

Excuse me, which way is the Post Baking Concert?

Passes rule 1b

Nowadays I get really annoyed when I see someone using the bees

Passes rules 5 and 🐝.
(There is no rule 🐝, sadly.)

Nowadays I get really annoyed when I see someone using the bees

Not the bees.

Passes rule 5

I'm on mobile right now and apparently at some point in the past I accidentally hit the multiquote button on a post? And it's been retained for however long? Let's see what it is, shall we?

Could we put something in 602, and check the broken version in 206? I'll let the person who seconds me pick what.

Passes rule 5

This is update #266.

I'm actually starting a Statistical Mechanics problem sheet more than 24 hours before it's due! By which I mean I'm starting it 24 hours and twenty minutes before it's due...

(but hey, by my original schedule, I wasn't going to start it for an hour and twenty, so at least I'm ahead, right?)

End of message.

Passes rule 5

Most people would quit after that time i disapperared

she enjoyed having the strangest plots

We just watched the bottom floor of her boss's house if this all works, but I don't have enough experience to be sure.

If you throw an item and press c, it'll make the first poop seem less weird.

I just don't know about feeling bad, because I'll write this up.

we are hesitant to fight but wouldnt want to pet its belly

I hate when i pick it all up instantly.

Oh shit... no earth

Specifically the bottom floor of coloring books.

It wasn't one of the few people who actually need those for strategic sheep purposes.

I wish i could remember correctly.

she's the breadwinner, but he gets what she calls "the goods"

"Hello IT, have you tried that; didn't work :CCCCCCCC

It sounds "relatable" but like who the fuck is this likely to be corn.

except the paint could wander off into Mraof's wow account

Could you be so kind to point me to MercuryPenis

If you'd like, we'd be happy to find out the fix, if neccesary

People hate it but i found a stuffed elephant shrew.

I could put up with all the gay stuff, but now you are drawing sonic at 230%

after this I am so definitely canon

In a misguided attempt to make flirt rolls

I wonder what kind of stuff matters when it comes to having a good night of sleep.

our entire relationship is pretty much based on current standards?"

very few cannibalistic foragers will remain committed to an aesthetic character

A big success

You clearly know who the actual penises. It's disgusting. You should be ashamed.

One of my housemates was given all the waffles in the world to _not_ do that too Mraof

There, sbnkalny Has not died while having sex with a horse... yet.

Passes rule 3

Kieros needs to grade some posts.

Sorry about the fact that my mom was in the hospital on Wednesday, I was out of town on Thursday, and was working in retail on Friday. I hope I can make it up to you with the fact that this post passes rules 3 and 1a.

Kieros needs to grade some posts.

Make Kieros grade posts again

Passes rule 3.

This is update #267.

On the previous Solid Mechanics problem sheet, there was an optional bonus question concerning the very nasty "proof" of the incredibly useful Baker-Ericksen inequalities (given an unproven but slightly easier to justify identity). It was not a simple task. The lecturer had said, as if to highlight the optional nature of the exercise, that there would be "prizes" on offer to those who turned in the best solutions (one for each class, I believe, since two were handed out).

I was not paying attention during that lecture. I was zoned out doing another problem sheet for my triple deadline hell day. I just did the thing. It took a while. An entire evening, in fact, that it wasn't necessarily sane to have spent as I did. And even then, I was 90% sure one of my key steps was complete bullshit, but I did at least point that out.

<TOBLERONE>
(placed on top of some of the bit of the rough working where I finally had my "a-ha" moment)

Worth it.

End of message.

Passes rule 5

"Reyweld Log #1:

I am making Quiche but I have no meats to put in!
In other news, the fungal plague has wiped out half of the world's population, but only the left half so I'm good.
I've heard that it makes you sprout stalks from your ears and by then you are already dead, and then the mushroom controls your brain. You don't really do anything different, although you have a tendency to find all the mic"

...

[The rest of the page is blank.]

Passes rule 3

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Passes rule 1a

A character in the new pokemon game just suggested we stop by the PMC so here I am.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT I REMEMBER THAT
Unfortunately, this only passes rule 5, so no Z-moves for you.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret wear glasses?

Passes rule 5

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

Passes rule 5

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

Content Removed By user

Passes rule 5

LEVEL 5: Nothing New
You will find that every 5th level will be similar to this one.
----------------
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Passes rule 3, if I'm being technical

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret wear glasses?

No.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

Yes.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret.

Does your secret have brown hair?

Content Removed By user

Yes.

Passes rule 5
Passes rule 5
Passes rule 5

gm0

Passes rule 5

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret. Excuse me, which way is the Post Baking Concert?

Kieros is quite a nice host.

I have a secret. Kieros needs to grade some posts. qwerqwerqwer.

This is update #268.

• Day 26: I am just going to jump straight back into things and pretend I can remember exactly what was going on. Nothing bad can come of this.
  
• apparently it is possible to proceed to the serving stage with an uncooked burger so when I accidentally selected one that was being grilled, not the one that had just finished, I may have made a noise
  
• also sodas continue to be thoroughly irksome so guess what's coming off the menu for the first time ever
  
• Day 27: because it would feel wrong not to serve any drink whatsoever, I've shelled out for beer. This will go swimmingly.
  
• 11 people ordered beer during the lunchtime rush hour. The hour between 12pm and 1pm. Huh.
  
• (and yeah I fucked up one of them had a bit of an overspill going on whoospie)
  
• the new catering event is pretzels (yep), corndogs (yep) and... lasagne? uh
  
• am I brave enough to do the drinks catering event now I have had the beer for one day
  
• NAILED IT (+$675 dollars for 27/27 perfect orders)
  
• Day 28: the concept of the daily special terrifies me but I invested in it anyway with my beer money and so yep making beer the first daily special
  
• I am slowly turning into a Wetherspoons and somehow that's okay
  
• x60 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 29: x68 COMBO PERFECT DAY BOO-YA (note to self: salads are a great dish of the day)
  
• Day 30: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 perfect combo with sodas and salads on my menu... or, in other words, do what I did pretty much every day for the first 25 days. Bingo.
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY SUCK IT CRAZY DAVE
  
• Day 31: I need to complete another catering challenge in the next couple of days, so it's time for PSCRPSCRPSCR
  
• (that's the lasagne sound)
  
• (because it's the sequence of presses you need for the basic recipe)
  
• (and Nilesy used to say it out loud)
  
• dear lord that is a deceptively difficult sequence of key presses to nail so uh I am not doing that catering event until I've had some more practice methinks
  
• Day 32: ONLY ONE AVERAGE ORDER TODAY I'M IMPROVING
  
• except the lasagne now has menu rot so welp
  
• Day 33: Crazy Dave reckons I can't manage a x22 perfect combo just straight up no constraints re: food on menu or anything UH HUH UH HUH
  
• x70 COMBO PERFECT DAY IN YOUR FACE CRAZY DAVE
  
• (this is despite me having fed my Neko Atsume cats during the in-game afternoon; that was a fun beer pull...)
  
• Day 34: I have an inspection due so I daren't reintroduce the lasagne just yet...
  
• okay so when you occasionally have to "thumbs up" the instragram-esque photos your customers have taken in order to get bonus buzz, it makes them by combining a random pic of something on your menu with one of a set of captions and so today I liked two pics of beer tankards captioned "A++ would eat again"
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 35: okay fine lasagne give me your worst
  
• x66 COMBO PERFECT DAY THAT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY NOT YOUR "WORST"
  
• Day 36: have I mentioned how amazing the spam mail in this game is yet
  
• Dennis and Leo have the best passive-agressive thing going on oh my goodness
  
• the fifth catering event is nachos and ice cream, the former of which I do not possess
  
• but I feel ready to tackle the one that features lasagne so here goes
  
• "I put out a survey for what kind of foods people wanted for our next Employee Appreciation Party, and the results are all over the place. So I'm mixing it up and giving them what they didn't ask for! It'll be great!" WELL THAT EXPLAINS WHY I'M SERVING CORNDOGS, PRETZELS AND LASAGNE AT THE SAME TIME
  
• oh my goodness that was *intense*
  
• but I served 36 people and made $900 holler holler serve lasagne get dollar
  
• I thought I could handle making burgers the daily special. I had forgotten how you can serve uncooked meat if you hit the wrong number key goddammit
  
• Day 37: the daily fortune I got in my spam this morning said that I should avoid eagles today - hell no...
  
• WHAT THE FUCK NACHOS HOW ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED
  
• NONE OF YOUR KEY BINDINGS MAKE SENSE
  
• well I mean pizza has two pages of ingredients too but at least they're labelled fairly nicely so guess I'm forking out for this instead
  
• uh I said that but it turns out I had not fully internalised the fact that sausage was M (for, um, meat, presumably?) but fortunately the fella who wanted sausage on his pizza came in at 11am so I literally had the time to sit there and figure it out
  
• thus I got a x72 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 38: Crazy Dave wants to bet me $300 that I can't make more than $500 today (excluding tips) - this presumably also excludes the money I'm gonna make when I win this bet...
  
• days where I've got both beer and fried chicken on the menu are fun because after a while I start trying to serve beer with the P key
  
• beer key presses: hold down, then enter
  
• fried chicken key presses: hold down, then P, then enter
  
• SEE MY PROBLEM?
  
• anyway x71 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  

End of message.

The Autoblow 5000. The worst meme we ever created.

Maybe even including Gogo Kiwi.

Q?
Q?

Q?

What's up with haiku?
The theme recurs in contests
but not in my heart.

where does crazy dave get his money

to be so confident about making losing bets about sruix's impeccable restauranteurship

This is update #269.

• so uh I was going to stop but I JUST GOT MY SECOND STAR SO NOPE STOPPING IS NOT HAPPENING
  
• oh my goodness me look at my new beautiful restaurant
  
• WE HAVE BREAD ROLLS NOW
  
• AND SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS
  
• THIS IS AMAZING
  
• goodbye pretzels and corndogs you will not be missed
  
• (worst $700 I've spent so far? well no the baked potato sure was a thing)
  
• Day 39: how do I deal with having 71% base buzz today
  
• (by having beer on the menu and reducing it to 68% I guess)
  
• (also purchasing fancier menus that might help)
  
• x86 COMBO PERFECT DAY MY POOR FINGERS
  
• I HAD 88% BUZZ COME THE EVENING
  
• Day 40: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 combo with beer on my active menu. I did more than four times that yesterday. This'll be a cinch.
  
• (he says, upgrading the ice cream and promptly freaking out at things like "all toppings except nuts and strawberry sauce" WOULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN QUICKER TO TELL ME THE FOUR TOPPINGS YOU ACTUALLY WANT)
  
• (it'll still be quicker than fried chicken though so I'll just have to tough it out)
  
• excEPT I FORGOT TO ACCEPT THE BET AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  
• (and, uh, predictably enough proceeded to fuck up the first new ice cream order welp)
  
• Day 41: so I would appear to have been signed up to Cook4Luv, "a program that partners up fantastic cooks with salivating diners"
  
• "You have chosen CATEGORY: CHEF LOOKING FOR LOVE, so you will receive emails from people looking for delicious dishes and romance!" uh
  
• that is the opposite way round to how this would have gone down irl just saying
  
• literally the only say I get in this is whether or not I want to date men xor women so uh
  
• (I can remember Nilesy getting a bit fed up with this too but I do believe it can be turned off and it only nets you bonus competition tickets so whatever)
  
• THE ICE CREAM UPGRADE WAS A MISTAKE
  
• Day 42: the new catering event is burgers and lasagne urgh
  
• ...so I have been propositioned by a chap named Mike who is a fan of burgers, a real burger aficionado, a proper burger devotee, totally addicted to burgers, absolutely 100% head-over-heels about hamburgers, cheeseburgers, steak burgers and veggie burgers. And, uh, presumably also about me. Eventually.
  
• ...yeah okay I guess I do need to practice burgers for catering after all
  
• now that pretzels are deemed too far below me to serve in such a classy establishment as mine I don't really have a good dessert option for when I don't want to have ice cream on the menu
  
• oh yeah the speciality foods list is a thing
  
• should I buy pancakes
  
• maybe tomorrow
  
• so at about 9:15am (in-game) my brain churned out the "meat grindr" pun and I have not been able to concentrate since it is nearly the lunchtime rush hour please send help and/or brain bleach
  
• WHY IS IT POSSIBLE TO START PLATING UP UNCOOKED BURGERS FUCKING HELL
  
• Mike came by in the afternoon, spewing hearts everywhere. He ordered a triple patty burger with bacon and cheese and then promptly left, presumably because I shouted at him about how busy I was what with the whole single-handedly running a restaurant thing
  
• (I am a true romantic)
  
• GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME
  
• so he texted me come the evening and we shot some blinding lines back and forth
  
• Consider the following exchange, initiated by Mike: "say something romantic" "I wanna to give you mucha smoocha" "wow you write words good"
  
• that is so much like me it's uncanny
  
• Day 43: the game is surprisingly sparse on details regarding what happened with Mike after I clocked off, given that steamy correspondence, and that's probably for the best
  
• looks like I'm not buying pancakes today because safety inspections are happening on days that are 3 mod 5 now jolly good
  
• note to self: the down key is not involved at any part of the salad preparation process, and specifically cannot be substituted for onions
  
• Day 44: today's fortune gives my animal to avoid as... the yeti
  
• oh huh Mike wants another date well
  
• Crazy Dave wants me to have both pizza and baked potatoes on my menu today, so he can go and do one
  
• hmm these are more like breakfast pancakes so I might actually pass on these for now (especially 'cause it's gonna be a rainy day so ice cream automatically gets a slot)
  
• Mike ordered a BLT-C today. How adventurous.
  
• fucking hell Mike you chose the worst goddamn time to text me SOMEONE'S BURGER CAUGHT ON FIRE
  
• Michael dear I'm not sure this is going to work out. It's not you, it's me. And my restaurant. That I'm running. By myself.
  
• Day 45: so I finally bought the fries because catering events and WHY IS SALT "A"
  
• huh it had been quite a while since I'd last overfilled a beer
  
• Day 46: Mike's coming again. Better cover the fire alarm, 'cause things are gonna get hot in here...
  
• (since I'm guaranteed to burn another burger if he texts me at such a dashed inconvenient hour once again)
  
• I ACCIDENTALLY STARTED PLATING ANOTHER UNCOOKED BUUUUUURGER
  
• Mike had the decency not to text me until 9pm tonight. He's learning.
  
• Day 47: okay turns out I have actually been signed up to a useful mailing list after all; the kickstarter-like cliknstart. There is no second c, apparently.
  
• I did the fries/sopapilla catering event and it was fairly dull (but hey, $625 is not to be sniffed at)
  
• (I have to do all seven events as part of the checklist for my third star so welp)
  
• in celebration I upgraded the fries all the way AND NOW THEY'RE SWEET POTATO FRIES THAT IS THE BEST
  
• x65 COMBO PERFECT DAY - SUCH IS THE POWER OF THE SWEET POTATO FRIES
  
• Day 48: Crazy Dave's current bet is to just literally serve 50 people that is not a challenge
  
• oh here we go
  
• yep Mike's enjoyed our time together, the burgers were great, blah blah blah, but he's moving out of town so here are some mysterious tickets his grandfather gave him
  
• honestly I am more than happy to exchange saccharine romantic gestures for shiny paper strips of a questionable nature
  
• uhhhhhh I put the ice cream on the menu because the forecast said rain and totally forgot I was due a safety inspection this is going to be fun
  
• NEVERMIND x54 COMBO PERFECT DAY that was surprisingly light on patrons for some reason BUT WHATEVER
  
• oh shit it's 4am
  

End of message.

I have a secret. Ask me yes or no questions about my secret. Excuse me, which way is the Post Baking Concert?

Passes rule 3

Kieros is quite a nice host.

Passes no rules!

I have a secret. Kieros needs to grade some posts. qwerqwerqwer.

Passes no rules!

This is update #268.

• Day 26: I am just going to jump straight back into things and pretend I can remember exactly what was going on. Nothing bad can come of this.
  
• apparently it is possible to proceed to the serving stage with an uncooked burger so when I accidentally selected one that was being grilled, not the one that had just finished, I may have made a noise
  
• also sodas continue to be thoroughly irksome so guess what's coming off the menu for the first time ever
  
• Day 27: because it would feel wrong not to serve any drink whatsoever, I've shelled out for beer. This will go swimmingly.
  
• 11 people ordered beer during the lunchtime rush hour. The hour between 12pm and 1pm. Huh.
  
• (and yeah I fucked up one of them had a bit of an overspill going on whoospie)
  
• the new catering event is pretzels (yep), corndogs (yep) and... lasagne? uh
  
• am I brave enough to do the drinks catering event now I have had the beer for one day
  
• NAILED IT (+$675 dollars for 27/27 perfect orders)
  
• Day 28: the concept of the daily special terrifies me but I invested in it anyway with my beer money and so yep making beer the first daily special
  
• I am slowly turning into a Wetherspoons and somehow that's okay
  
• x60 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 29: x68 COMBO PERFECT DAY BOO-YA (note to self: salads are a great dish of the day)
  
• Day 30: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 perfect combo with sodas and salads on my menu... or, in other words, do what I did pretty much every day for the first 25 days. Bingo.
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY SUCK IT CRAZY DAVE
  
• Day 31: I need to complete another catering challenge in the next couple of days, so it's time for PSCRPSCRPSCR
  
• (that's the lasagne sound)
  
• (because it's the sequence of presses you need for the basic recipe)
  
• (and Nilesy used to say it out loud)
  
• dear lord that is a deceptively difficult sequence of key presses to nail so uh I am not doing that catering event until I've had some more practice methinks
  
• Day 32: ONLY ONE AVERAGE ORDER TODAY I'M IMPROVING
  
• except the lasagne now has menu rot so welp
  
• Day 33: Crazy Dave reckons I can't manage a x22 perfect combo just straight up no constraints re: food on menu or anything UH HUH UH HUH
  
• x70 COMBO PERFECT DAY IN YOUR FACE CRAZY DAVE
  
• (this is despite me having fed my Neko Atsume cats during the in-game afternoon; that was a fun beer pull...)
  
• Day 34: I have an inspection due so I daren't reintroduce the lasagne just yet...
  
• okay so when you occasionally have to "thumbs up" the instragram-esque photos your customers have taken in order to get bonus buzz, it makes them by combining a random pic of something on your menu with one of a set of captions and so today I liked two pics of beer tankards captioned "A++ would eat again"
  
• x63 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 35: okay fine lasagne give me your worst
  
• x66 COMBO PERFECT DAY THAT WAS FUNDAMENTALLY NOT YOUR "WORST"
  
• Day 36: have I mentioned how amazing the spam mail in this game is yet
  
• Dennis and Leo have the best passive-agressive thing going on oh my goodness
  
• the fifth catering event is nachos and ice cream, the former of which I do not possess
  
• but I feel ready to tackle the one that features lasagne so here goes
  
• "I put out a survey for what kind of foods people wanted for our next Employee Appreciation Party, and the results are all over the place. So I'm mixing it up and giving them what they didn't ask for! It'll be great!" WELL THAT EXPLAINS WHY I'M SERVING CORNDOGS, PRETZELS AND LASAGNE AT THE SAME TIME
  
• oh my goodness that was *intense*
  
• but I served 36 people and made $900 holler holler serve lasagne get dollar
  
• I thought I could handle making burgers the daily special. I had forgotten how you can serve uncooked meat if you hit the wrong number key goddammit
  
• Day 37: the daily fortune I got in my spam this morning said that I should avoid eagles today - hell no...
  
• WHAT THE FUCK NACHOS HOW ARE YOU SO COMPLICATED
  
• NONE OF YOUR KEY BINDINGS MAKE SENSE
  
• well I mean pizza has two pages of ingredients too but at least they're labelled fairly nicely so guess I'm forking out for this instead
  
• uh I said that but it turns out I had not fully internalised the fact that sausage was M (for, um, meat, presumably?) but fortunately the fella who wanted sausage on his pizza came in at 11am so I literally had the time to sit there and figure it out
  
• thus I got a x72 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  
• Day 38: Crazy Dave wants to bet me $300 that I can't make more than $500 today (excluding tips) - this presumably also excludes the money I'm gonna make when I win this bet...
  
• days where I've got both beer and fried chicken on the menu are fun because after a while I start trying to serve beer with the P key
  
• beer key presses: hold down, then enter
  
• fried chicken key presses: hold down, then P, then enter
  
• SEE MY PROBLEM?
  
• anyway x71 COMBO PERFECT DAY
  

End of message.

Passes no rules

The Autoblow 5000. The worst meme we ever created.

Maybe even including Gogo Kiwi.

Look, Gogo Kiwi is bad. It'll be a close fight. And you're also forgetting voring Grandma's ashes. Anyway, passes rule 3.

Q?
Q?

Q?

Passes no rules!

What's up with haiku?
The theme recurs in contests
but not in my heart.

Unfortunately,
Haikus aren't a theme in this;
This passes no rules.

where does crazy dave get his money

Passes no rules!

to be so confident about making losing bets about sruix's impeccable restauranteurship

Passes no rules!

This is update #269.

• so uh I was going to stop but I JUST GOT MY SECOND STAR SO NOPE STOPPING IS NOT HAPPENING
  
• oh my goodness me look at my new beautiful restaurant
  
• WE HAVE BREAD ROLLS NOW
  
• AND SALT AND PEPPER SHAKERS
  
• THIS IS AMAZING
  
• goodbye pretzels and corndogs you will not be missed
  
• (worst $700 I've spent so far? well no the baked potato sure was a thing)
  
• Day 39: how do I deal with having 71% base buzz today
  
• (by having beer on the menu and reducing it to 68% I guess)
  
• (also purchasing fancier menus that might help)
  
• x86 COMBO PERFECT DAY MY POOR FINGERS
  
• I HAD 88% BUZZ COME THE EVENING
  
• Day 40: Crazy Dave wants me to get a x20 combo with beer on my active menu. I did more than four times that yesterday. This'll be a cinch.
  
• (he says, upgrading the ice cream and promptly freaking out at things like "all toppings except nuts and strawberry sauce" WOULD IT NOT HAVE BEEN QUICKER TO TELL ME THE FOUR TOPPINGS YOU ACTUALLY WANT)
  
• (it'll still be quicker than fried chicken though so I'll just have to tough it out)
  
• excEPT I FORGOT TO ACCEPT THE BET AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  
• (and, uh, predictably enough proceeded to fuck up the first new ice cream order welp)
  
• Day 41: so I would appear to have been signed up to Cook4Luv, "a program that partners up fantastic cooks with salivating diners"
  
• "You have chosen CATEGORY: CHEF LOOKING FOR LOVE, so you will receive emails from people looking for delicious dishes and romance!" uh
  
• that is the opposite way round to how this would have gone down irl just saying
  
• literally the only say I get in this is whether or not I want to date men xor women so uh
  
• (I can remember Nilesy getting a bit fed up with this too but I do believe it can be turned off and it only nets you bonus competition tickets so whatever)
  
• THE ICE CREAM UPGRADE WAS A MISTAKE
  
• Day 42: the new catering event is burgers and lasagne urgh
  
• ...so I have been propositioned by a chap named Mike who is a fan of burgers, a real burger aficionado, a proper burger devotee, totally addicted to burgers, absolutely 100% head-over-heels about hamburgers, cheeseburgers, steak burgers and veggie burgers. And, uh, presumably also about me. Eventually.
  
• ...yeah okay I guess I do need to practice burgers for catering after all
  
• now that pretzels are deemed too far below me to serve in such a classy establishment as mine I don't really have a good dessert option for when I don't want to have ice cream on the menu
  
• oh yeah the speciality foods list is a thing
  
• should I buy pancakes
  
• maybe tomorrow
  
• so at about 9:15am (in-game) my brain churned out the "meat grindr" pun and I have not been able to concentrate since it is nearly the lunchtime rush hour please send help and/or brain bleach
  
• WHY IS IT POSSIBLE TO START PLATING UP UNCOOKED BURGERS FUCKING HELL
  
• Mike came by in the afternoon, spewing hearts everywhere. He ordered a triple patty burger with bacon and cheese and then promptly left, presumably because I shouted at him about how busy I was what with the whole single-handedly running a restaurant thing
  
• (I am a true romantic)
  
• GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME
  
• so he texted me come the evening and we shot some blinding lines back and forth
  
• Consider the following exchange, initiated by Mike: "say something romantic" "I wanna to give you mucha smoocha" "wow you write words good"
  
• that is so much like me it's uncanny
  
• Day 43: the game is surprisingly sparse on details regarding what happened with Mike after I clocked off, given that steamy correspondence, and that's probably for the best
  
• looks like I'm not buying pancakes today because safety inspections are happening on days that are 3 mod 5 now jolly good
  
• note to self: the down key is not involved at any part of the salad preparation process, and specifically cannot be substituted for onions
  
• Day 44: today's fortune gives my animal to avoid as... the yeti
  
• oh huh Mike wants another date well
  
• Crazy Dave wants me to have both pizza and baked potatoes on my menu today, so he can go and do one
  
• hmm these are more like breakfast pancakes so I might actually pass on these for now (especially 'cause it's gonna be a rainy day so ice cream automatically gets a slot)
  
• Mike ordered a BLT-C today. How adventurous.
  
• fucking hell Mike you chose the worst goddamn time to text me SOMEONE'S BURGER CAUGHT ON FIRE
  
• Michael dear I'm not sure this is going to work out. It's not you, it's me. And my restaurant. That I'm running. By myself.
  
• Day 45: so I finally bought the fries because catering events and WHY IS SALT "A"
  
• huh it had been quite a while since I'd last overfilled a beer
  
• Day 46: Mike's coming again. Better cover the fire alarm, 'cause things are gonna get hot in here...
  
• (since I'm guaranteed to burn another burger if he texts me at such a dashed inconvenient hour once again)
  
• I ACCIDENTALLY STARTED PLATING ANOTHER UNCOOKED BUUUUUURGER
  
• Mike had the decency not to text me until 9pm tonight. He's learning.
  
• Day 47: okay turns out I have actually been signed up to a useful mailing list after all; the kickstarter-like cliknstart. There is no second c, apparently.
  
• I did the fries/sopapilla catering event and it was fairly dull (but hey, $625 is not to be sniffed at)
  
• (I have to do all seven events as part of the checklist for my third star so welp)
  
• in celebration I upgraded the fries all the way AND NOW THEY'RE SWEET POTATO FRIES THAT IS THE BEST
  
• x65 COMBO PERFECT DAY - SUCH IS THE POWER OF THE SWEET POTATO FRIES
  
• Day 48: Crazy Dave's current bet is to just literally serve 50 people that is not a challenge
  
• oh here we go
  
• yep Mike's enjoyed our time together, the burgers were great, blah blah blah, but he's moving out of town so here are some mysterious tickets his grandfather gave him
  
• honestly I am more than happy to exchange saccharine romantic gestures for shiny paper strips of a questionable nature
  
• uhhhhhh I put the ice cream on the menu because the forecast said rain and totally forgot I was due a safety inspection this is going to be fun
  
• NEVERMIND x54 COMBO PERFECT DAY that was surprisingly light on patrons for some reason BUT WHATEVER
  
• oh shit it's 4am
  

End of message.

Passes rules 3 and 5

Would you guys like a freaking hint with these five rules from hellthe apocalypse? This post was specifically designed to pass rule two AND I'M GOING TO KEEP THAT TRUE NO MATTER WHAT GO PAST ME FORGETTING THINGS

0w0

I wonder if this is how you pass rule 2

It's weird, somehow I just didn't register that giant OwO until I replied.

Must have been blocking it out to avoid traumatizing myself.

This is update #270.

Ix was taking a D&D character test that was frustrating them. They asked for my opinion on an obtusely worded question, and so I decided to see what the questionnaire was like for myself...

[8:15 PM] Sruixan: I mean it is immediately asking me to rate my own appearance compared to others in my social circle
[8:16 PM] Sruixan: which is just a tinsy bit urgh
[8:16 PM] Ixcaliber: the above question i disagree with because i don't think the countryside is a nice place to visit and i wouldn't want to live there
[8:16 PM] Ixcaliber: yeah
[8:16 PM] Ixcaliber: thats probably like where it'll determine if you're an elf or something
[8:17 PM] Sruixan: I am attractive for a period of about twenty minutes that occurs about three hours after every shower
[8:17 PM] Sruixan: i.e. the brief window of time in which my hair actually will behave
[8:17 PM] Ixcaliber: they neglected to include that option
[8:17 PM] Sruixan: such an oversight
[8:18 PM] Ixcaliber: ikr
[8:19 PM] Sruixan: how am I meant to answer a question about my ability to sprint
[8:20 PM] Sruixan: and in particular compare it to the speeds people I know are capable of
[8:20 PM] Ixcaliber: there are some obtuse questions
[8:20 PM] Sruixan: I am not frequently chased by lions ix
[8:20 PM] Sruixan: I do not have this kind of information concerning my powers of acceleration to hand
[8:20 PM] Ixcaliber: sruix can you liveblog your problems with this questionnaire to the pmc
[8:20 PM] Sruixan: that is a very good idea
[8:20 PM] Ixcaliber: i want more people to experience your sarcasm at this bad overlong questionnaire

So, buckle up, motherfuckers...

End of message.

This is update #271.

• 15 is basically asking "do you even lift, bro?", and two of the four options would have you indicate that you can lift a fuckton. Like, no. I am not jimmy buffest.
  
• the scale of hand-eye coordination runs from "I'm horrible at video games" to "I can juggle well" to "I could be an Olympic marksman" this is a shit scale
  
• "My reflexes have saved my life on more than one occasion." HOW IS THIS A THING THAT PEOPLE CAN CHOOSE
  
• "23. If I punched someone as hard as I could... I might kill them" UHH
  
• "25. It's worse to be: Weak or Fragile" honestly these questions are not great
  
• "34. It's worse to be: Too Skinny or Too Stocky" what's the context here 'cause like there's scarcely a worse one to be unless you're at the north pole freezing your scrawny arse to death or something
  
• also is it supposed to be what I would think would be worse for me to personally be or what it's worse for other people to be how am I supposed to be the judge of other people in this way
  
• you may think this is a lot of blather concerning one question but this is in the middle of a whole series of this ilk and is simply the point where I've finally snapped
  
• "41. It is better to... ...defend the weak. or ...help the poor." Both. Both is good.
  
• "44. I work out... ...so that I will be healthier. or ...so that I will be more attractive." I feel like we established about twenty questions ago that the answer is "so that I will remain functional"
  
• "45. Animals... ...deserve our respect. or ...are delicious." what the fuck
  
• "47. I think it would be interesting to have a supernatural experience. True or False" well geez yes it sure would be interesting but I feel like you are being a little light on the parameters here are we talking mild oobe or being pursued by a bloodthirsty phantom
  
• [8:42 PM] Sruixan: WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IN LIFE: FEELING EMOTIONS OR
  [8:42 PM] Sruixan: THE ALTERNATIVE DOES NOT MATTER
  [8:42 PM] Sruixan: what the fuck is this question
  [8:42 PM] Sruixan: emotions happen
  [8:42 PM] Sruixan: sometimes they are not the greatest
  [8:43 PM] Sruixan: but why are they something that you can describe as being "more important" than something else
  [8:43 PM] Sruixan: you are going to feel these emotions whether you like it or not
  [8:43 PM] Sruixan: this is going in the post but I made vocalisations at this one
  
• "60. Religion is an institution that... ...allows some people to exploit the fears of others. or ...helps people live meaningful lives." well this is a damned harsh binary
  
• "65. I would rather spend two hours... ...learning something new. or ...leisurely jogging." where is the option for "taking a nap"
  
• and also that's yet another shitty binary can you imagine the circumstances that led to that choice being one you would actually have to make
  
• "66. I would rather spend two hours... ...alone in the wilderness. or ...alone working with my hands." uhhhhhh so my immediate interpretation of the second choices was suspect and then I reread the first and this is a terrible question
  
• "74. I would rather spend two hours... ...hiking a trail. or ...discussing philosophy." again why not both
  
• "76. I would rather spend two hours... ...at the gym. or ...at church." this quiz really has a knack for throwing up ridiculous dichotomies
  
• "79. I would rather spend two hours... ...camping with my friends. or ...drinking with my friends." again I refuse to believe these are mutually exclusive
  
• "85. I would rather spend... ...a night on the town. or ...a day riding horses." THIS IS NOT A BOTH THIS IS A NEITHER
  
• THE ACT OF ME RIDING ON A HORSE IS EXTREMELY DISCOMFORTING FOR BOTH PARTIES BELIEVE ME
  
• [8:53 PM] Sruixan: urgh 92 (" Family elders are expressing disapproval of you to the rest of the family. Do you:")
  [8:54 PM] Sruixan: the correct answer is "ignore them slash laugh it off"
  [8:54 PM] Ixcaliber: yep
  [8:55 PM] Sruixan: "and then internalise the disapproval by chucking it into the simmering pit of self-loathing"
  
• "98. A powerful but corrupt lawyer offers you money if you'll testify against your friend. Do you:" well hold up there give me a minute this is not a scenario I've ever really considered the possibility of finding myself in before
  
• "103. Are you still in touch with childhood friends?" huh we're pulling out the punches here now "No, I don't have anything in common with them anymore." and now it's just a bit too on the nose
  
• "106. If you were injured and required immediate assistance, would members of your home town agree to help?" have you heard about the NHS
  
• "111. If offered enough money, would covertly assassinate the President?" UHHHHHH hold on can I ask the NSA to politely look away for one second please
  
• (if they keylogged that then sorry I might play some more Cook Serve Delicious later please look forward to the 1pscrpscrpscr↵2↓↵3mmm1↑↑↑→→→qf↵ spam)
  
• "Yes, I've done similar things before." WHO IS ABLE TO SELECT THIS ANSWER IN GOOD FAITH
  
• this quiz got extremely political disconcertingly fast
  
• "126. What's the best path to wealth?" dunno but if you have an objectively correct answer back there in the code would you mind sharing
  
• oh bless I can get the answers output in HTML code for my LiveJournal that I totally have
  
• Chaotic Neutral Human Wizard (2nd Level)
  
• [9:06 PM] Ixcaliber: i think that doesn't sound terrible
  [9:06 PM] Ixcaliber: everyone gets human though
  [9:06 PM] Sruixan: I feel like it is very hard not to be a basic human without answering in a completely bullshit manner
  [9:06 PM] Ixcaliber: it's bad
  [9:06 PM] Ixcaliber: yeah
  

End of message.

after some thought i think maybe this is designed to be answered in character by a character you want to play as but don't know what they are maybe?

What if your church is a gym?

tack

0w0