The thread for flipping shits (and tables)

No I mean it just doesn't work. I'm using data on my phone.

Okay well I don't need to keep listing things but stuff happened. Bad day. I give up. I'm going to bed.

This has been a grumpy reyweld day.

I have been having... a week.

I can't stop thinking about like...what if I do finally get to where I wanna be and make stuff like a pilot or something but no one likes it, or even cares. Like I make a short or a series or something but nobody sees it or likes it and it gets faded real fast. What if I keep trying but it's always the same?

People make stuff for themselves. I get that. I get that I'm supposed to do what I like. But entertainment is a give and take industry. If no one sees it, why did I make it? What if I make something I put my heart and soul into and just... no one sees it?

Eh. Just been a pessimistic month. August sucks.

I haven't really been taking care of my body for the past few months and now I am Reaping the Rewards™

*looks at own art on a larger screen with the ability to see every misplaced pixel*

...shit. never trust a laptop

I'm not coping

two capstones and a portfolio
two final year courses and a portfolio
two final year courses with massive assessment and a fucking portfolio


aaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaa

strong feeling of despair today

get me out of here

I'm not sure if this should go here, but I spilled a lot of boiling water on my hands and foot and got some burns today. But I'm fine now.

Enter day 10 of negligible appetite and fighting urges to throw up any food I do get down me

I have severely limited access to the internet

I'm just straight-up shorting out today with my barely-contained hatred of my coworkers, for having fucking weeks before today, the first day of the school term, to tell me they'd like me to design and do lessons tomorrow, and to make lists of inane fccking "conversation" questions for which I'm asked to check glaring grammatical errors but not to point out "hey this is a stupid fucking dialogue snippet for these kids to waste time learning, could we spend time on literally anything else"

like holy fucking shit do you really want these kids to provide heartfelt fuckin responses to "how do you like this school", and wow I looked over so much transliterated shitchat queries that I didn't even notice "what do you like to do this Saturday" like

I'm screaming and half the time I can't correct her attempts-at-translation horseshit because she tries to pretend she can't hear me when i explain what her transliteration would actually amount to, in Japanese,

I should be elated that Mitch of all teachers is making an effort to have more peer-driven learning but I'm pessimistic abou t it actually having any practical application beyond "learn these lists of stuff tht'D be hypothetically useful, if we weren't still teaching+testing the core grammar and vocab in the exact same tedious format we always have and always will"

Like christ some of these questions she wants me to provide 2-3 "model answers" for? These would be fantastic questions to get the kids to y'know come up with answers of their own but you wouldn't actually have time/the assedness to check their answers so you'd just rather they remember some phrases you vetted earlier

"How about doing volunteer work after school?" Well it'd be really fun exercise for students to come up with elaborate excuses but nah I can already see her surreptitiously deleting "c) no thank you" as a model answer and sticking with "a) that sounds great." and "b) Sorry, but I'm busy." I couldn't even add caveats like "Not today, but I'm free ____" because it's ~too complicated~

The more options i provide on a supplementary worksheet, the longer it's going to take to cover everything in class and the less time students will have to come up with their own interesting shit, if they don't get bored and aim to complete the activity expeditiously by choosing the closest pre-written answer anyway. I can't win and should honestly be concerned with how defeated and pessimistic I feel about work being anything approximating emotionally fulfilling, like I'm sad and perhaps more accurately scared to be leaving in a year from a job I'd rather bitch out than try seek out silver linings for?

I want to be somewhere without people or the threat of having to deal with people or people having to deal with me, and I'm scared (dully resigned to the prospect?) of reaching a point where I can't or stubbornly refuse to remember circumstances where I enjoy other people's company, and stop thinking about the above in the abstract and hypothetical

Dad's been worried about me and keeping in touch with texts and while I could probably tell him all about my fun-filled weekend I'm stressing about the fact it's father's day in NZ this Sunday and I haven't really prepped anything from that

I could make a stamp or somesuch or write something to him but the prospect of any kind of creative output right now fills me with dread, apathy, and a kind of detached disgust at the apathy

Cultivating an image of cheerfully distracting capers and general life contentment feels fuckin disingenuous and rude to him, but being honest about how I feel isn't really all that appealing either and more than anything else I wish I cared about this whole "doing something nice for Dad for father's day" issue in a manner/emotional response that was positive instead of anxiety and could-care-less-ness

@schazer
Screw teaching. Go get a job in biology or art, something you enjoy.

I was feeling real bad and needed to sleep so i took what i thought was an anxiety pill (they also make me super sleepy, so double effect there) adn went to sleep... Woke up at 3am extremely panicked and i realise that i took an antidepressant instead? its too late to take an anti anxiety one now because i'll sleep all day and augh

I tried playing overwatch to chill out a bit and instead i got someone lecturing me on how to play my fave character and it feels like my throat is full of acid

@schazer
Screw teaching. Go get a job in biology or art, something you enjoy.

For various reasons from obligations to self-confidence and discipline and a 12-month contract that's not really an option before I sort a bunch of other shit out, but after a night's actual goddamn rest and two square meals I'm feeling substantially better than the mess I was yesterday. Thank you though :>

The funny thing is I actually enjoy teaching, outside of all the extra stuff on the job that isn't teaching :v My job's more like an assistant teacher though so I'm in more of a support position rather than being able to independently set my schedule/lesson content.

I thought it'd be easier to fall asleep since I was so tired yesterday. So I tried that 'going to bed early' thing everybody tells me to do if I'm tired.

yikes did that ever not work.

Not only did it not work, it took me six and a half hours to fall asleep. Why is sleeping at night so impossible? Ugh it's like I can only fall asleep at times I'm not supposed to be falling asleep. Tired aaaaallll day but the second night hits? bam. i can't sleep

I'm the same way. I'm most awake at 9 pm, and least at 9 am.

Going to bed early often makes me fall asleep early, then wake up early.
And by "early" I mean 30 minutes later.
And then I can't sleep for the rest of the night.

I have to move out by tomorrow and I don't have anywhere to live

Heh
heh heh heh

That's just

Hilarious

I thought it'd be easier to fall asleep since I was so tired yesterday. So I tried that 'going to bed early' thing everybody tells me to do if I'm tired.

yikes did that ever not work.

Not only did it not work, it took me six and a half hours to fall asleep. Why is sleeping at night so impossible? Ugh it's like I can only fall asleep at times I'm not supposed to be falling asleep. Tired aaaaallll day but the second night hits? bam. i can't sleep

Going to bed early often makes me fall asleep early, then wake up early.
And by "early" I mean 30 minutes later.
And then I can't sleep for the rest of the night.

same,

melatonin knocks me out at least, but i always wake up like an hour later and can't sleep again for a long time afterwards

I have to move out by tomorrow and I don't have anywhere to live

Heh
heh heh heh

That's just

Hilarious

also same :\

i have places i can stay temporarily that are like 26 hours of driving away that i'm going to

i was going to head home today to pick up my social security card and junk but i was too much of an anxious mess, i just halfway packed up and shut down completely for the rest of the day; i pretty much have to go tomorrow, i was trying to time it so i could come back up here to sleep for a night before sleeping in a car for the next few days, but. yeah. thats not happening now