Shank A Bitch 3 Day Six: The Handsman Cometh (10/71 Alive)

Day Four: Fair and Baleenced Coverage

The sun peeks out over the horizon to reveal whales, whales and more cetaceans as far as the eye can see - which is just across the bay filled with whales. It seems that all of whalekind has assembled for the looming press conference, and the noise coming from the bay certainly lends credence to that hypothesis.

But you shankers couldn't care less about how many whales are out there, what's really important is WHO'S DEAD.

AgentBlue was an Insomniac Shanker. They could hardly get an hour of sleep on a good night, and with all these shankers raising hell from sundown to sunup no night was a good night. Which left them grumpy enough to stab 'em in broad daylight. AgentBlue couldn't shank anyone at night, but could anonymously shank one person each day. They could also recognize anyone who tried to shank them in the night. Shanked once!

Loather was also an Insomniac Shanker, and is also very dead. Shanked once!

Crowstone was a Regular Shanker. Shanked twice!

Anacreon was a Regular Shanker. Shanked once!

Makerofthegames was a Regular Shanker. Shanked once!

Bigro was a Regular Shanker. Shanked twice!

Mikeee was an Escape Artist. Shanked twice!

Beruru was a LOVER SHANKER. Her and her partner-in-love shared a quicktopic and could each shank separately. However, if either lover died the other would tragically take their own life that very night. Shanked twice - messily!

x1372 was an ELITE BODYGUARD. As Dang Ron Paul's last line of defense, he'd been left behind to cause a little mischief in the ranks. Each night he could DEFEND another shanker from attacks, shanking up to two assailants while blocking their murder attempts. If more than two shankers attempted to kill his target, however, both he and the player he was bodyguarding would die. He also started with a DELUXE vest rather than a pathetic regular one. Shanked twice!

Demonsul was an ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST. Each night he could treat another player to an ACUPUNCTURE SPECIAL shanking. This shanking would function like a normal shanking unless his target was dying of stab wounds - in which case it would save them from death. Shanked once!

Even more importantly, WHO'S UN-DEAD?

Cat and Ixcaliber have RETURNED FROM THE GRAVE.

With all that out of the way and the press conference apparently held up by some sort of Narwhal correspondent's strike, the living bitches suppose it's time to get back down to good ol' shanking business.

Day Four ends in 144 hours at 12:00 PM EST on Thursday, August 21st. With 37 players alive it takes 19 votes to groupshank.

Livelist (37/71)

1. Schazer
2. Solaris
3. Sai
4. Not The Author
5. Akumu
6. Seedy
7. SupahKiven
8. Palamedes
9. Pharmacy
10. Granolaman
11. Coldblooded
12. TehPilot
13. cyber95
14. Niall
15. antisequitur
16. amosmyn
17. Deviant One
18. Sanzh
19. Phish
20. konec0
21. yd12k
22. Dragon Fogel
23. Gnauga
24. Whimbrel
25. LegendaryQ
26. Chwoka
27. Dalmationer
28. Sruixan
29. Breadpocalypse
30. Scoffles
31. Acionyx
32. Plaid
33. speedchuck
34. Truegreen
35. Cat
36. Ixcaliber
37. Pharas

I've been wanting to post this for ages.

Also

Lynch any Un-Dead

Well, this is interesting.

I notice that we have one dead lover.

The most likely explanation I can see is that the other was occupied with the whale duel and therefore protected for the night.

So which of you losers was it? I know you're still smarting from your humiliating defeats, but I'm curious.

Oh, and speaking of curiosity, if we're shanking zombies, I say we start with Cat. Detective Garland still has unfinished business, after all, and we may as well give him a chance to take care of it.

Shank: Cat

Or do we have other zombies hanging around too? I've forgotten.

Whale I'll be damned

Shank: Cat I guess. =P

Shank: Cat

shank: konec0 for shanking his employees

Gotta get them zombie kills. Shank: Cat

Why are we shanking those who are already dead? We should focus our shanks on the living!

I nominate unlucky number 7, VOTE: SupahKiven

incidentally I got the luckiest number, woo!

wait, Mikeee is still on the live list...
is this ESCAPE ARTISTRY [or a mistake?]

Don't shank me come on I only got to shank once :'c

shank: konec0 for shanking his employees

man i can do what i want with my employees
gotta keep them in line w/ an IRON PAW
...or just an iron shiv.

wow that's coldblooded

No, THAT'S Coldblooded.

W'now'm torn 'tween shankin' 'Kumu f'the pun, or Whimb'l f'the setup.

I'll decide for you.

Vote: Akumu.

...Eh, wh'not. Vote: Akumu.

Tha' is, act'ly why not bein'a thing you'n ought men'chin sometime, if'nit please ya? Ain't feel like I seen much inna way o' defenses'n such latelike. Or e'n much'na way'f oh-fences. B'then I'n't get th'feel'n they'n be much use, anyhow...

I nominate unlucky number 7, VOTE: SupahKiven

Gasp! Rude. Like, omg.

Night by night, we're crawling closer to the end of this. Shank: Cat.

I nominate unlucky number 7, VOTE: SupahKiven

Gasp! Rude. Like, omg.

do you have anything to say in your defense?

BAD LUCK JONES???

❤ ~ I LOVE SHANK ~ ❤

The arena for the day's groupshanking inevitably takes place along the coastline, in the YACHT WAREHOUSE that each of the whale battlers has surreptitiously stashed the boats they spent the night on in.

Things begin much as they did on the previous day, the crowd's zombie hatred undimmed by Prime Intellect and Chocolate Pi's re-deaths. While most of the shankers start pointing their knives at Cat, however, a dramatic turn of events is taking place in one corner of the loading dock...

Akumu and Pharas are locked deep in conversation, staring out toward a bay filled with tusskling narwhals. His charming banter is only mildly offset by a godawful pun or two, and... could it be?

Can love bloom on the battlefield?

Whether it's the radiation from the leaking nuclear submarine nearby, or simple fatalism amidst the constant deaths, it seems the pair might just continue where Beruru's tragic death left off. That is up until Pharas' smile turns into a frenzied grin.

"THE DEMON MUST DIEEEEEE!" she screams, plunging her knife into his back several dozen times.

Akumu's lifeless body slips to the floor. Pharas collapses next to him, succumbing to massive cardiac trauma.

Akumu was a REGULAR SHANKER that forgot the first rule of Shank A Bitch - it's SHANK OR BE SHANKED.

Pharas was Beruru's SHANKING LOVER. She had been temporarily saved by Demonsul's quasi-medical attentions on the previous night, and thus given a few hours to seek REVENGE for her sweetheart's death.


With the score Shanking 1, Love 0 the crowd is about to turn back to matters at hand when a MAIL PACKAGE comes crashing through one of the warehouse windows, preceded by a muffled 'SPECIAL DELIVERY, BITCHES'. Upon closer examination there's a message attached...

Addressed:

you missed 1
but this is 0 it
try again 2 morrow

-----------------------------------

Day Four ends in 138 hours at 12:00 PM EST on Thursday, August 21st.

With 35 players alive it takes 18 votes to groupshank.

Livelist (35/71)

1. Schazer
2. Solaris
3. Sai
4. Not The Author
5. Seedy
6. SupahKiven
7. Palamedes
8. Pharmacy
9. Granolaman
10. Coldblooded
11. TehPilot
12. cyber95
13. Niall
14. konec0
15. amosmyn
16. Deviant One
17. Sanzh
18. Phish
19. antisequitur
20. yd12k
21. Dragon Fogel
22. Gnauga
23. Whimbrel
24. LegendaryQ
25. Chwoka
26. Dalmationer
27. Sruixan
28. Breadpocalypse
29. Scoffles
30. Acionyx
31. Plaid
32. speedchuck
33. Truegreen
34. Cat
35. Ixcaliber

In memory of Dr. Pidge.

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'Coo! Coo!'

Shank: Cat

Tonight, Sruixan dies.
My friends, won't you join me tonight?
Dr. Pidge deserves justice.

goddammit why is the subject of my grudge not dead yet

+1 stab wound to the feline

my hate is patient

Wait a minute, didn't Sruix die at dayend yesterday?