Eagle Tim (collaborative adventure)

>Also, some joker replaced about a third of the balls with Calvinballs.

You bash eachother with sticks, but you’re all inside zorb balls.

The rules for Sportball are simple. There's a big bucket of balls with the names of various sports written in them, and the referee pulls one out at random to decide what sport is played next. The sport changes whenever someone gets a point.

Ah yes! Big spooky referee Hawk Spacey (no relations to that other slimeball with the identical surname). He's so scary and powerful, he has psychic powers, water powers, lightning powers, darkness powers, powers over time, he can teleport and he probably also breathes fire.

Of course, the hard part is that you don't know what any of the sports are until the game actually starts. Also you're bad at pretty much every sport.

You suck more cocks at sport than your mother does... In HELL.

>Last year, Falcon Jones some joker replaced about a third of the balls with Calvinballs.

Spoiler due to obnoxious flashback colours.

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Spoiler

What a jerk. But you can't prove a darn tootin' thing.

> Many of the sports aren't even restricted to present day sports but also weird and archaic sports from the past and even weirder, futuristic sports from the year 9010.

There is this particular weird sport from the future you're baffled by. Eru-Kara-Koroth-Al. It is so fucking weird???

You bash eachother with sticks, but you’re all inside zorb balls.

Allegedly, from what you heard. Those are the rules for playing Eru-Kara-Koroth-Al. What even is a zorb ball? Do you have to be hopped up on goofballs to be inside one of those???????

Allegedly, from what you heard. Those are the rules for playing Eru-Kara-Koroth-Al. What even is a zorb ball? Do you have to be hopped up on goofballs to be inside one of those???????

No goofballs are required. That said, it's in the rules that combat stimulants are to be freely provided to all participants; chances are it'll just be near-lethal amounts of caffeine. Again.

Zorb balls are those balls you go inside and roll around in.

Welp, looks like the first game is indoors volley basketball. You grip your racket tighter as you wait for your opponent to arrive, wishing that you'd know anything about the rules.

dab at the enemy

Get hit by the ball repeatedly. Somehow score a point by doing this.

>Fire the volley ball with the net like an amateur slingshot, aiming for but entirely missing the basketball net.
>Audience: Clap politely

Without warning, a whistle blows. You think that means the game's started, although you aren't really sure what you-

A ball hits you in the head. You go down.

Over on the other side of the net, you see your opponent jeering at you, although you can't make out their exact form.
"1 point to Eagle Tim!"
Oh. Huh. You're not sure how, but you appear to be winning.

I like the use of ASCII art, very clever!

Awkwardly pump your fist in celebration

Take the ball and try to hit your opponent with the racket, just make sure not to throw the racket itself!

(I agree, the ascii is awesome)

Ok, you think you've got a handle on how to play, you just need to-



Whoops



Your bat hits your still-vaguely-defined opponent in the face, knocking them over. You wait for the referee to say something, and they do.
"Another point to Eagle Tim."
...


you're good at this game you swear

>It's a shame that the goal of this game is having the less point by the end of the round.

But it turns out your score in the overall game of Sportsball is determined by the total number of points you get in the games, with bonuses for winning a round.

So when you rack up a huge pile of points without any idea how you did it, everyone thinks it's a clever strategy to forgo the victory bonus in favor of increasing your total score.

>Half-time: add two more players on the field, and make teams. Oh no it's Falcon Jones!

>And he's on your team!

Celebrity commentators Smokey Bear and Woodsy Owl observe from the press booth.

Woodsy: "Eagle Tim sure is racking up the points, Smokey!"

Smokey: "He sure is, Woodsy. Of course, the goal of this game is having the least amount of points by the end of the round. If he keeps this up, there's no way he'll win the victory bonus."



Woodsy: "It's clear that Eagle Tim is pursuing the advanced strategy of forgoing the victory bonus in favor of increasing his total score. If he earns at least 100 points and denies his opponent the same, it'll balance out for his final point score."

Smokey: "He must have a lot of confidence in his ability to score points! We'll be watching this little eagle very closely in the coming games. But now there's a break in the action as the Half-Time bell rings."

Woodsy: "That's right, Smokey! Now two more players join the field to form randomly assigned teams. This will happen again at Quarter-Time, Eighth-Time, and Pico-Time."

Falcon Jones steps out onto the court, joining Eagle Tim.



Falcon Jones: "Hey, LOSER, that's a real nice strategy you're pursuing... FOR AN IDIOT. Why don't you give up and let me handle the ball for the rest of the round. Unless you want to embarrass yourself, ha!"

Respond by throwing the ball at him and attempting to say a cool one-liner, except mess up completely because you're bad at throwing and also at coming up with one-liners.

Obviously this failure will somehow earn you more points.

Devour the ball and dunk yourself

Respond by throwing the ball at him and attempting to say a cool one-liner, except mess up completely because you're bad at throwing and also at coming up with one-liners.

Obviously this failure will somehow earn you more points.

"Oh yeah? Well, uh... BALL TO, er, BALL AT YOU! Wait, uh..."

Devour the ball and dunk yourself

Woodsy: "And that's one more point to Team Tim-Jones!"

Smokey: "But it looks like the opposition is about to heat things up!"

Uh oh, what's happening on the other side of the net?

>The opposing team is stacking its players on top of eachother, sacrificing coverage for height.

>Falcon Jones soon proves to be even more useless than you on the field, somehow.

Eagle Tim and Falcon Jones: Switch glasses, somehow fail to notice this.

Aka the opposing team got two more members and they've formed a tower of will