Energy Drinks Thread

and it's just not respectable to drink microwaved sugar milk every morning like a five year old

i'm sorry that you live in a household where you're expected to act respectable

Bawls is good stuff.
It also comes in cherry, root beer, (which is called "g33k b33r" for some reason,) and fake-sugar-but-extra-caffeine.

g33k b33r...
Formulated specially for the homestuck 'fandom.'

fuck you i osmose molten rock

Time to drag this conversation back to its RIGHTFUL TOPIC.

You can all thank Sai for the return of this thread (from the abyss where it belongs), for just about a week ago I received a package from AMERICA, LAND OF THE ENERGY DRINK



I'd expected some food, maybe a Californian knickknack or two. Also an energy drink since I'd been asked if I like them. Energy drink, singular.

I was not expecting... this



and that's just the top layer.

After excavating all the drinks I also found a reassuring missive:



There was nothing for it, I had to catalogue this collection of fine vintages:



From left to right, in all-caps as energy drink tradition dictates:

MONSTER 'LOCA MOCA' JAVA
STARBUCKS WHITE CHOCOLATE DOUBLESHOT ENERGY COFFEE BEVERAGE
MONSTER REHAB ENERGY ICED TEA (PINK LEMONADE)
STARBUCKS COFFEE DOUBLESHOT ENERGY COFFEE BEVERAGE
MONSTER UNLEADED (CAFFEINE FREE)
V8 ENERGY BLACKBERRY CRANBERRY
ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS ENERGY DRINK
SAMBAZON AMAZON ENERGY - ACAI BERRY
V8 ENERGY ORANGE PINEAPPLE
ROCKSTAR ~HORCHATA~ ENERGY
NOS HIGH PERFORMANCE ENERGY DRINK

And since I'm a Grateful Mail Recipient I promptly decided to poison myself sample two at 7pm. Using receptacles worthy of these noble beverages, ofc.

I'm made of great ideas.

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE

~STARBUCKS WHITE CHOCOLATE DOUBLESHOT ENERGY COFFEE BEVERAGE~



A hint of white chocolate is contained within the aroma of this refreshment, but the concentrated bitter flavor of coffee overwhelms any nuance Starbucks might have been going for. The aftertaste is also dominated by the coffee, and since I was advertised an energy drink, not coffee (and I don't drink coffee in the first place)

3/10


~NOS HIGH PERFORMANCE ENERGY DRINK~



I finished this energy drink.

I almost died finishing this energy drink.

NOS HIGH PERFORMANCE ENERGY DRINK is apparently named after the chemical compound NOS, or nitrous oxide. While nitrous oxide has medical applications, the HIGH PERFORMANCE ENERGY DRINK side of things leads me to believe it refers to the usage of NOS as an oxidizer in rockets and motor racing engines.

It ranks up there with motor fuel in the taste department, is what I'm getting at.

When you pour out a NOS, a striking visual resemblance to piss might be the first thing you notice. Your impressions would be on-track with the eventual payoff. According to official marketing, 'original' NOS (pictured above) is "mango passionfruit" flavored.

I couldn't detect a hint of either fruit past the inordinately acidic, citrus-y bouquet of this thirst quencher. What I could detect was that it tasted quite a bit like I was downing mysterious orange-scented liquids out of the cleaning supply closet.

On the plus side, NOS was relatively liquid, and as such amenable to copious chugging. An aftertaste of almost rancid citrus completed the ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE I'd been waiting for.

Truly, NOS have outdone themselves.

10/10

Stay tuned for more... eventually.

10/10 reviewing, do the Loca Moca Java next

i kind of like nos but only at a specific temperature that is colder than room temperature but warmer than 'was just in the fridge for several hours' and i can't explain this

Cyber can you send Deens another can of NOS and we'll make him drink tiny wine-tasting cup-sized amounts of it stored at different temperatures

for science

I'm sending you a lift + with your belated christmas present. Its liquid candy energy and it will destroy you.

Its my fave

I'm sending you a lift + with your belated christmas present. Its liquid candy energy and it will destroy you.

Its my fave

why

I enjoy making you suffer

Especially because i know you're too polite to not drink it

how the fuck does anybody drink this shit. im completely wired after a single cup of tea. a full can of any of these would probably give me a heart attack right on the spot.

When i first started drinking 'em i could feel the sugar pulsing around my body. that was kind of exciting.

Part of my routine for getting ready for the bakery involves taking two caffeine pills when I wake up. I basically pound four cups of coffee first thing, but without all that nasty coffee business.

Wrenching the discourse back into its rightful DANK DRANK RANKS, it's THE RETURN OF

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE



COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE STUDIO, TONIGHT IT'S

~CHAMPAGNE~????







THINK AGAIN


~ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS ENERGY DRINK~



As the above bait-and-switch might indicate, there's not much to optically differentiate a glass of ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS from the champagne I was drinking earlier tonight. A bit more foam on the top, tops.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!

For it conceals a vile secret (also a vile tang, but I'm getting to that)!

Indeed, the purported 'super' 'sours' is in fact a PALE IMITATION of any self-respecting lemon sour. The flavor of ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS is instead something of a halfway house between mild orange-sours and bitter schweppes, with the upsides of neither.

I almost marked down NOS for being liquid enough to chug, but ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS manages to best it in this arena: the diabolical brewers behind it have managed to concoct something just liquid enough to linger on your tongue, making it noticeably unpleasant to down too quickly. This means the go-to option is savoring the vague sour-esque-lite flavor in your mouth for a good 3-5 seconds before swallowing. Which is An Experience, let me assure you.

The aftertaste of this standout energy drank is the most awful 'best' part, with hints of the beverage persisting on your tongue for a rocket-fuel-grade five minutes after consumption. Longer, if ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS' extreme carbonation and your digestive system's proclivity for belching has a say.

As for what that taste brings to mind: imagine a lemon and a lime botching a murder-suicide in an alleyway, while a storm surge is covering the ground in a thin film of orangey sewage. That essentially sums up what's going on behind your molars after a good swig of ROCKSTAR SUPERSOURS.

So as you might expect,

10/10, would never drink again

I'm not sure if i'm more impressed by how vivid your descriptions of the Energy Drink Experience are or by how many different wine glasses you have

Okay, but I think the real question we're all asking here is this: Just how does it match up against Sofia brand champagne* in a can?

Show Content

Spoiler

* (Note: Wine is not actually from champagne.)

P.S. Mirdini, thank you so much for your heroic work here today. We won't let your sacrifice be in vain.

those are not wine glasses those are energy drink glasses. Mirdini is a cultured human being in society, and it is socially acceptable to ingest harmful poisons such as these

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS
SPECIAL GUEST EDITION

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE



Blatantly cribbing off of Dini's established format here, it's everyone's favourite educator-mongrel, Schazer! Today I'll be reviewing:

~RAIZIN~



Because raisins. No, that's literally what drew me to this can at the convenience store. Always and forever mafia trash.

I'd made a habit of not picking up caffeinated strangers in such places after the "it's like tonic water sucked through a mechanical pencil" incident with SAMURIDE a while back, but for this I had to make an exception.

Brought to you by the Taisho Pharmaceutical Company (whose logo is also raptorial), this beverage is going for MAXIMUM EAGLE, my shitty injoke word association at odds with what the makers were probably gunning for, which is more in the vein of "rising." Hence the peppery-lookin phoenixtype. Expounding further on the packaging, the whiteish portion is matte, which for my tactile sensibilities would make for a fine addition to the BEVERAGE EXPERIENCE if I weren't putting the can down every ten seconds to write some more of this review.

Anyway.

I checked the back for any hints as to what my tastebuds are going to be fussing with, and see "ginger oil" on the ingredients list. Promising, because I do love me some ginger.

Crack the drink open and the immediate smell is lemon lime and bitters, which would lead the unwary to believe I've got a generic citrus-inspired flavour on my hands. Nope! It's definitely ginger, tongue-tinglingly so but not in a face-murdery way. Either the carbonation or the ginger or both leaves the inside of my mouth feeling like that matte part of the can, which may not be your jam if fizz is already too much for you.

Baddrink-chugging dumpster child I am, this stuff is right up my alley.

Two thirds of a can and forty minutes later, I've reached the conclusion this stuff is just ginger ale leering threateningly in your general direction. It has less of an aftertaste, and more of a post-tonsil detour into that tickly bit of your nosethroat that makes exhaling something of a gamble.

It's caffeinated enough to get me through the afternoon desk purgatory alive and perky but not suddenly jonesing to start fifty projects at once, so while it fails to deliver as an energy drink it's thoroughly palatable as a mundane afternoon beverage.

7/10

So the brand I normally drink is Golden Power, since it's the only 40-cents-a-can brand that doesn't make my stomach ache(Thanks a lot, Freeway) but last year they switched to a new packaging. Take a load of this:




On the left we've got a simple, shiny, no-nonsense can fit for the industrial cleanser contained within. On the right we've got a can with a noisy fern print that nobody's even bothered to put a decent picture of on the internet. Most of the can's coloration is so saturated that you might assume it's ment to showcase televisions rather than be sold on its own. To top it off, the poor, neglected text has been robbed of its own uniformly colored space and made to stay in a communal area on top of the afterforementioned print.

It's truly an eyesore, I would switch to the competition if there was any.

But Jesus answered by saying to them, "You don't know what you are asking! Are you able to drink from the bitter cup of suffering I am about to drink?" "Oh yes," they replied, "we are able!"

ILL-ADVISED ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS
REVENGE OF THE REGRETFUL GUEST

Scale ranges from 0 to 10, with 10 being THE DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE

In today's metaphor for baptism, I bring you the trans-Atlantic trans-continental experience that is:

~V8 +ENERGY~

Lovingly hocked across the Atlantic Ocean by our good sponsor Sai to taster-in-chief Mirdini and subsequently re-hocked Schazways in a shady hotel in midtown Fukuoka, we received these juice-based energy dranks in two different flavours. Both boast light carbonation and a perplexing proportion of Real Fruit Juice that's a couple percentage points shy of being a nice round fraction. Seriously, why market it as 34% fruit juice when there's a nice easy-to-visualise one third right there????



So wholesome were the assorted virtues extolled on the packaging (1 serving of vegetables+fruit, caffeine sourced from green tea for bonus karma) that we assumed the objectively decent of the two flavours, Blackberry+Cranberry, would actually make for a passable beverage. We were not mistaken - as an energy drink, it was positively palatable, but when one seeks an experience, palatable just doesn't cut it.

Clearly, to seek the DEFINITIVE ENERGY DRINK EXPERIENCE, pleasantries would need to be set aside.

~V8 +ENERGY~
ORANGE PINEAPPLE

Let me go on the record and state, as a biologist, that pineapples are creepy stalk-plants blooming direct to you from the DEPTHS OF HELL. Unlike most self-respecting fruits - which ascended to the boughs of trees in an attemption for redemption from their FILTHY COCYTUS-TICKLING ROOTS - the pineapple pops out of the ground like a fucked up shrub and is done with it. Dr. Seuss would be proud of these fuckos.

Pineapple-flesh, however, is a pleasant enough snack when properly consecrated. Left to fester in a can of syrupy godlessness, though, the pineapple flavour mutates into tastebud hellspawn damnation without the redemption of counterpoint tartness.

What I'm getting at is that I hate pineapple flavour. It's a gross treacly lying mockery of all things fruit, and thus perfect for an energy drink.

Packaging: Drinking this out of a well-travelled, battered can that's spent more hours in international transit than my body probably spent processing its contents really added to the shamexperience. It was like I'd been given a dully mundane yet hallowed task - of sending this beverage on its final journey to V8+llhalla - and managed to fuck up what should've been an intuitive ritual.

The carbonation was, like the medicinal-floral overtones, subtle. Enough to leave me rasping a dissatisfied tongue over teeth so I could get a load of that sweet, sweet, mouthwash flavour.

Did I say mouthwash? I meant sucralose. This sugar-substitue is apparently non-caloric, because your body refuses to recognise it as food and lets it pass undigested. Fittingly, it tastes like ass. This twin front of Sweetness Man Was Not Meant To Know slam-dunked my tongue into some kind of antichrist equivalent of a baptismal font. I swear to god I did not intend this many Christianity metaphors in my review when I started out, I don't know what happened

Immediate energy boost was not noticeable, but it kept the afternoon doldrums to a much more lowkey level.

6/10, would just sacrifice a goat next time instead

I enjoyed this thread and am now going to buy esoteric energy drinks next chance I get.

Schazer confirmed for capitalist overlord

oh hey, i have a relevant experience to this thread now

i'd drink coffee more often if i could reasonably make it myself, but i don't wanna share dads coffeemaker, and i don't know anything about bean flavors, and if dad found the hazelnut and french vanilla creamers that i absolutely would buy then he'd continually tell me how gross he thinks they are and how i'm crazy for liking sweet flavors in my coffee, just, nonstop

in the meantime gen turned me on to cherry NOS and it's p good imo