Pun Intended: Tales of Quips, Puns, and One-liners

I didn't know where to put this, so I made a new thread.

I read a quote somewhere that said something like the following: "Say any joke or pun that comes to mind, no matter how terrible. It will train your humor." Hahaha what a bad idea.

So anyway jumping to my tale; a friend by the name of Juan was telling terrible astronomy jokes in physics class. He wasn't coming up with them, just reading them off of a list. So after about the third joke in, I said to him:

"Juan, are you Sirius?"

And the only person who got it just stared at me with a blank, disappointed look and whispered: "Seriously?"
And then we both grinned as Juan looked on in confusion (I am not sure he understood the jokes he was telling, so sun-one had to show him up).

You are bringing catastrophe uppun my forums with this endeavour and I will not stand for it

Will you take it lying down, then?

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Maybe they feel like they're being punished.

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One time I got into a conversation with these people at a friends wedding about river safety in the city. Basically talking about how shitty it is that a bunch of students die sometimes because they get drunk and throw themselves into the water. I told them I'd probably never have to worry about anything like that because I don't drink.

and then without even thinking or missing a beat, I go

"I guess that makes me the designated diver."

It got a bunch of laughs. I was pretty proud of myself.

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Spoiler

No, no

It's satire