Zoostuck 2

> It isn't going in the first place! What's he talking about. Toss the coin away and await divine retribution

Yeah, best to just ignore that rambling squirrel. Anyways, this coin's junk, and it's not going to help you clean up this hole spewing out space-time garbage. You just toss it onto the massive pile forming beside you.

This is bad. Can you patch up the hole in space-time with your web?

What kind of crazy idea is that? You're just a spider who can spell out words. There's nothing magical or otherwise supernatural about your webs. I mean, you might as well tell a human to stick his head in there to keep it shut.

Oh, dammit, speaking of which your human pal is trying to stick his head in there. Great. The last thing you need is to have him suffocate under space-time garbage.

Quick! Shove the garbage back in there!

Yeah, that's not going to work. That stuff is spewing out at a ridiculous rate. Seriously, what kind of crazy time period has so much garbage to churn out in the first place?

That stupid squirrel probably caused this mess, make him clean it up.

You'd love to, but he's just kind of sitting there paralyzed, still repeating "how's it going". He's alive, but it's like he's under some kind of evil wizard's spell or something.

Seriously, these guys are both useless. You'd be better off trying to get help from the rampaging dinosaur.

You are now some guy on the internet. You tried going to mspaintadventures.com, but the whole site was filled with garbage - literal garbage, that is, you can't really comment on the actual quality of the content because you couldn't find it.

After that, you started going to another forum you heard about. There was a neat thread on it, so you started following it while waiting for the garbage to clear up or something.

Anyways, it looks like the thread just updated, so... wait a minute, this update doesn't make any sense. It doesn't have anything to do with the last update at all! What's going on here?

Oh. It seems Page 2 of the thread has gone missing entirely and you've skipped straight to Page 3. Well that's just great, there's no way this intricately crafted story will make sense if you missed any of it.

You need to find Page 2 so you can catch up properly. But where are you even going to begin your search?

On page 2

On page 2

Wait, of course! The perfect place to start looking for Page 2 is on Page 2. It's obvious.

Now, if only you could figure out where to start looking for Page 2...

On page 2

Oh, right! That's so clear, why didn't you think of that sooner. Look on Page 2 and you're sure to find Page 2.

Now the only question is where Page 2 is. Where are you going to begin your search?

On page 2

Yes, it makes perfect sense. Page 2 has to be on Page 2, where else would it be? Now you just need to find Page 2 and you're all set.

You are now a Sentient Being in the world of Featurelesswhitevoidia. Your class is Occupation.

But these are bleak times in Featurelesswhitevoidia. The Dark Lord Enemy has taken over and spread fear throughout the land. You were just about to take your Weapon and launch an attack on Enemy's base, Fortress, but just moments ago an Infinite Loop Barrier appeared out of nowhere. It probably has nothing to do with anything going on in any other world and you don't know where anyone would have gotten that idea.

Regardless of where it came from, you need to get past it if you're going to reach Fortress. So what's the plan?

Read Zoostuck

> Read Zoostuck 2

Read Zoostuck

> Read Zoostuck 2

Zoostuck? Zoostuck 2? You've never heard of those things. All the stories you know are named Title. And none of them are very interesting.

But perhaps a quest for these oddly-named stories will help you bypass this barrier. It's not like you've got anything else you can really do at the moment. You march off in a random direction because that's totally how quests work.

You are now a horse. You are also a detective. And you have a very difficult case ahead of you.

But before you can deal with that, you've got some kind of trouble going on with one of your feet. Seriously, it hurts like some sort of... troublesome horse foot.

So what are you going to do about it?

> Eat it. Consumption is the solution to everything. Your days as a professional cannibalist has taught you this.

Hoof it!

Hover conversion.

Hoof it!

It's already a hoof! How exactly are you supposed to hoof it any more?

> Eat it. Consumption is the solution to everything. Your days as a professional cannibalist has taught you this.

Yes, obviously eating your foot will solve all your... wait a minute. Your detective instincts are telling you that something's wrong.

Oh, of course! You were never a professional cannibalist. In fact, there's no such thing as a cannibalist, professional or otherwise. Clearly, this foot pain has been muddling your thinking. No wonder you're having so much trouble with this case. Well, there's only one thing to do...

Hover conversion.

You head over to the cyberneticist and get your legs replaced with hoverjets. Fortunately, this is covered by your health insurance. Man, why didn't you do this sooner, this is awesome!

Now it's time to deal with this case. Reviewing your notes, you've already concluded that the killer is a small orange gourd with no arms or legs and a goofy expression carved into its face... wait, what? This doesn't make any sense, how the hell did you come up with these kinds of results.

Great, you're going to have to check the crime scene all over again to see where you went wrong. Geez, what a pain.

You are now the world's greatest pumpkin carver, and you have a problem. The Annual Christmas Pumpkin Carving Competition is about to start. That isn't the problem, because being the world's greatest pumpkin carver, you're sure to win.

Except in order to win, you need a pumpkin to show the judges. And every time you carve a pumpkin, it comes to life and then escapes! How are you ever going to win the contest at this rate?

> Use occult magic. Flesh magic, to be precise. It's why your pumpkins have that "human" quality.

Don't carve the pumpkin. It's a postmodern commentary on the abandonment of tradition in modern society.

> Use occult magic. Flesh magic, to be precise. It's why your pumpkins have that "human" quality.

No way. Considering that your pumpkins are giving you so much trouble without any occult magic - at least, that you know of - you can't see how bringing that into the mix will improve things at all. You need another approach.

Don't carve the pumpkin. It's a postmodern commentary on the abandonment of tradition in modern society.

Yes! That's it! You'll just enter a totally uncarved pumpkin! Then you can win the contest without unleashing another pumpkin monster on the city. It's perfect! You take out your newest pumpkin and pointedly don't carve it.

And, uh, it still got up and walked away. Maybe it isn't the carving after all? You feel like this needs more explanation.

You are now a famous paleontologist. Your kids were watching some TV show about a scientifically inaccurate dinosaur, and you embarked upon a quest to set the record straight. Your journey has lead you to the office of a studio executive, but he has just informed you that the show has been off the air for years and your kids were watching reruns.

You aren't actually sure what to do about your quest now. You were going to ask the executive for ideas, but then he was suddenly murdered by a pumpkin... oh, right, you should probably do something about that murderous pumpkin, too. Oh, and there's also that velociraptor that was chasing you through the halls of the studio for some reason, it didn't go away just because you ducked into this office.

So how are you going to deal with all of this?

> side with the velociraptor

Performance-enhancing drugs, and lots of them

Performance-enhancing drugs, and lots of them

You're already dangerously close to an overdose, you have been since Page 2! Geez, all these drugs must be affecting your memory if you couldn't remember that, you really shouldn't have more.

As you reflect on this, the killer pumpkin floats closer and the velociraptor bursts through the door. Well, this isn't going to be easy.

> side with the velociraptor

Caught between a rock and a hard place, or more accurately between a gourd and a dinosaur, you decide to take sides. Using your knowledge of dinosaur language, you inform the velociraptor that the pumpkin is deadly and you will aid in its defeat in exchange for safe passage out of this studio. The velociraptor agrees, and challenges the pumpkin. You stand by, ready to assist as best you can.

You are now a formerly-dead squirrel, trapped in the past. Somehow you are receiving visions from the far future, which are of more interest to you than the rift in spacetime that's dropping garbage all over everywhere while some kid and a spider futilely attempt to stop it.

You have just witnessed a vision of a paleontologist and a velociraptor challenging a magically animated killer pumpkin to a duel. You are now seeing another vision which informs you that this will lead to a terrible fate: a world in which everyone is happy and maintains free will, there is no crime or war, nobody is being punished or tormented in order to maintain this civilization, the government does not suppress dissent in any way but rather welcomes debate and so society is constantly improving...

Wait a minute. Watching this through the vision, you are completely certain that this is somehow a disaster for the world. But you can't actually understand how. This dinosaur president really seems to have things under control and everything seems fine. Why exactly do you need to interfere with this sequence of events at all?

You're the first skeleton president, and you are perfect in every way. Your administration was so successful that there is absolutely nothing wrong left with the world; as a result voter apathy is at an all-time high. If you don't bring conflict back into the world literally nobody will vote. Without votes, democracy will die! You have to save democracy!

Suddenly, the answer comes to you in another vision. The president who is destined to resolve all problems so effectively that democracy itself is endangered thanks to a lack of conflict is supposed to be a skeleton, not a dinosaur! Clearly this enormous difference will have drastic consequences and you must act now to prevent it.

Although there's still a pretty serious problem to deal with. Every time you try to do something, you get distracted by another vision and it's seriously getting annoying, you haven't even been able to do anything about the evil wizard whose clutches you escaped from or about the garbage that you trapped on the internet and then accidentally dumped in the past or something.

Oh, and some kid in a balaclava and another kid carrying a rocket launcher just popped out of the space-time rift and they're looking at that package covered in hazardous symbols and other junk. You get the feeling that this won't end well, because the moment you see them get close to it you're struck by a vision of it not ending well.

Although you can't make the vision out too clearly. All you're able to tell is that the box contains a game, and then the kids start playing it, then sometime later the universe is destroyed and replaced by a new one?

That's pretty disconcerting in and of itself, but it's also kind of hard to wrap your squirrel brain around. But it gets worse. You can also see what this new universe will contain, and it is terrifying.

Just what is this unspeakable horror that will come into existence if you don't stop these kids from playing the game?

An actually fairly pleasant, but extremely overplayed, pop hit.

An actually fairly pleasant, but extremely overplayed, pop hit.

Ugh, yeah. They just play the song freakin' everywhere. You think it might actually exist in the world you came from, but it's not very popular. But your vision is suggesting that in the new world, it's going to be the only song in existence. What a nightmare!

And now a new vision is forming. You can see these two kids in the new universe... well, at least they're dressed like the kids, but they look twenty years older or so. They seem to be on some kind of quest to find another song, any song, and they're in the depths of an ancient temple when suddenly this really weird music starts playing.

But rather than looking for the source, the guy with the rocket launcher stares longingly at the other guy, then starts taking off his shirt, and...

Ow! Somebody tossed a tin can at your head. Jerk! It seems to have stopped the visions somehow, though, so maybe you can start dealing with the package and the space-time rift and all the garbage and maybe that dinosaur thing in the future. And maybe that evil wizard you escaped from somehow.

Wow, you have way too much to deal with. What a pain. You'd rather be someone else.

You are now someone else in the far future. You live in a world without evil. This is really boring for you because you're a superhero, and with no evil to fight, there's just nothing for you to do.

You were going to complain to the President about it, but apparently he's running off on some mission to find evil and bring it back into the world. Ugh, politicians, they just don't have any time for regular people's problems! You'll just have to take care of this yourself.

That's why you're here on the outer edge of the Atlantic Ocean. You think there may be terrifying monsters hidden in its depths, so you're going to release them and then fight them. Maybe even with giant robots or something. Now that's going to be fun.

But before you get started on this, there's one important matter to clear up. What's your superpower?

Using your psychic powers, you can change the names in anyone's phonebook to something else totally obscure... at the cost of never being able to use a public payphone. Ever.

Using your psychic powers, you can change the names in anyone's phonebook to something else totally obscure... at the cost of never being able to use a public payphone. Ever.

Ah, yes, that's right. You are The Phoney, and using your amazing phone book-rewriting talents, you've managed to... well, you haven't really managed to do anything significant. If you had a superhero team, you could probably use your powers to send messages to other members of the team no matter where you were, but you seem to be the only superhero on the planet. In fact, as far as you can tell there weren't even any supervillains even before the president solved all the problems. So it's been a pretty boring job.

There's also a cost to your power, which is that you can't use public payphones. Since you have a cell phone, this hasn't inconvenienced you much. At least, not since you realized that it didn't actually stop you from going into phone booths to change into your costume. Not that you've ever had much need to change into your costume, since there's no super-crime and now there's no regular crime either.

But that should change once you unleash these horrifying monsters. Hopefully they'll have phone books.

You start swimming out to sea in order to release the monsters, because clearly it's going to be that simple.

Suddenly, your mind goes blank.

You are now the world's ugliest scientist, and you are in a hotel room you don't recognize. As you poke your ugly face out into the hall, you find a lot of other people in that hotel, too.

As you start talking to the others, you find out that none of you can remember anything that happened in the last twelve hours. Then your cell phone rings.

It's the President.

He says he was right in the middle of his quest to bring evil back into the world when he woke up in some weird hotel. Apparently everyone in the entire world passed out for twelve hours, and you've been assigned to figure out what happened.

You tell the President you'll get right on it, then hang up and start talking to the other people lost here.

As the discussion continues, it strikes you that nobody knows how to leave the hotel. After a little thought, it strikes you that some of them will be desperate for companionship.

This mysterious phenomenon could be your best chance at getting a date! Plus since you're on a mission from the President, you totally have an excuse to chat up some hotties.

You decide to start with the adorable Suzette Gototheelevator, but the moment you begin talking to her, you find yourself walking towards the elevator. How strange! Unfortunately, the conversation doesn't last long, because once you arrive at the elevator Suzette slaps you in the face and rushes off.

Oh well. Who are you going to talk to next?

> Jullie Gokillyourself. The other one's hot, deadly cousin.

> Jullie Gokillyourself. The other one's hot, deadly cousin.

There's an idea, Julie is hot as hell and probably has some idea of what happened. You head over to her and start talking, trying your best to ignore her scream as she sees your face.

Despite that rocky start, it seems to be going well, right up until you stab yourself in the heart. You aren't sure exactly why you did that...

Oh, hey, you're dead now. Nice going. You're probably not going to have much luck solving this mystery in the afterlife.

But hey, maybe there are some dead hotties you can talk to!

You are now the letter A. You have no idea how you arrived here. Some kids dressed like soldiers are arguing with a yellow guy who looks like he's all mouth, a little green guy with a ball double his side, and a spaceship. It seems they're all fighting over who gets to open a package while a squirrel is chattering something to them. Also, there's a lot of trash here.

But you soon forget about all of that when you see a very beautiful number 1 hanging around near a spider web. You immediately start talking to her and things seem to be going really well.

All of a sudden, ten years pass in the space of an instant. She's dead. You remember everything about the last ten years while having this vague sensation that they didn't actually take ten years to happen, but that all pales in comparison to the loss of your love.

How did she meet her untimely demise?

Oh, and those guys are still arguing over there. Geez, have they really been fighting over that dumb box for ten years?

By monkey. She met her demise by monkey. Also I think the time-acceleration was only experienced by you and 1.

By monkey. She met her demise by monkey. Also I think the time-acceleration was only experienced by you and 1.

That's right! It was that monkey over there! The one in the trenchcoat! You've got to catch that murderer before it's too late!

You are now a monkey detective, and you're in trouble. This letter thinks you killed his number girlfriend, or something. Thing is, you didn't. You were working on a case and busting some heads, and then suddenly you were here and there was a dead number on the ground.

You're about to punch the letter's lights out just to get him off your back when there's a loud noise and a horse with hoverjets comes rushing in from nowhere and knocks the letter aside. You recognize him - he's that jerk detective who's always been telling you that you can't solve mysteries with just violence, you're supposed to painstakingly examine the clues and use brilliant insight to piece together the puzzle.

Man, you hate that jerk. That's why you hit him in the foot last time you met him.

Anyways, he's babbling something about how he was framed for a murder he was investigating but the real culprit was a pumpkin. Damn, you must have hit him real hard, he's totally lost it.

You're about to deck him when a squirrel suddenly rushes out in front of you. She says she's psychic and got a vision of the past -because apparently that's where you are - while she was being framed for killing God's second cousin, who was an ice cream vendor or something. Apparently there's another psychic squirrel here and he might know something about who's behind the murder. Ugh, great, this is a pain.

Suddenly, a spider scurries over dragging a fancy computer made from a web. She says her computer's calculated that she's stuck in the past, and she's looking for her ancestor who's supposed to be pretty smart and can probably help her figure out who framed her for killing a really ugly scientist in another dimension, has anyone seen any really intelligent spiders around?

Oh great, you're caught up in some kind of stupid time-and-dimension-spanning conspiracy, and now you probably have to help these jerks solve their crimes if you're going to clear your own name. Goddamn it, that's the last thing you want. You haven't had a day this lousy since you were in detective school.

Uh-oh. Something's wrong. You can feel it.

You've been trapped in a flashback. Worse, it's to that day. The day when everything started going wrong.

It started out simple enough. You were in math class, when suddenly your textbook started playing music. You flipped the pages, and the songs changed. And then you realized that you were doing it! You had the power to give pages themes!

But that wasn't all. Aided by the clarity of the music, you were able to read the textbook in a new light. You understood math as you never had before.

And that's when you realized it. The stuff in your textbook, that you thought didn't make any sense? It really didn't. You weren't just too dumb to get it. The whole book was total nonsense. Your teacher was just trying to distract you, distract the entire class.

But why, you asked yourself, and then as some more music played from your textbook, you understood.

Your teacher was an alien. And you were the only one who could prove it.

How did you do that, again? And how did it all go wrong?