The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss! (Text, done offsite)

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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I actually went over the character limit. I could probably have reorganized the posts to fit everything in three, but I decided to make a fourth post for just the ending to simplify things.

So here's Part 12, the grand finale!

SpoilerShow

Ending, Part I

>prompt

You decide to promptly show up at the courthouse, since there's no reason to after you already won the lawsuit. Of course, you aren't actually in Pittsburgh, so you wind up going around Santa's Workshop to roughly where you think the courthouse is. This turns out to be in front of the laptop.

>command

You decide to take command of the Czech army, who are not at the courthouse you think you're at, and not at Santa's workshop where you actually *are* either. You shout random orders at them. The voice recognition software on the laptop (which you turned on without realizing it while you were confused) attempts to comply with your absurd orders, and as a result starts downloading various programs.

>Execute

You decide to order the execution of the soldier who acts like a chicken for no reason. You shout this order into the laptop, but its response is to stop the downloads and open up the first program it downloaded... Which is some sort of pointless text based adventure game.

>play pointless text based adventure game

You start playing the pointless text based adventure game. After all, there's no reason to do so when you're in a courthouse in Pittsburgh with no computer in front of you, right? With your pointless mind, you easily stumble upon the right commands to complete the game. Because this is on Santa's computer, something strange happens when you complete the game... A box saying "PLEASE STATE WISH TO GRANT" pops up on the screen.

>become Master of the Universe

For no particular reason, you decide to state a wish to become Master of the Universe. After all, you don't *really* want to be Master of the Universe, and besides, why would any wishes of yours be granted if you're at a courthouse in Pittsburgh?

*POOF!*

Suddenly, you are the Master of the Universe. You use your newfound power to make the universe a much more pointless place. For no particular reason, you decide to rule the universe from the beach where your temple used to be, and isn't now. Seeing the ocean nearby, you toss the flask with the bad sketch of the Masamune into it. Except then you remember that you already did that, and Pac-Man apparently forgot about it, so he said you still had it in your inventory. He also forgot that you had wood chips in your inventory. You then realize that *you* must have pointlessly pretended that the wood chips were the flask with the bad sketch of the Masamune, and therefore continue to maintain this pretense, and throw them into the ocean.

After you do this, it occurs to you that it might have been more pointless not to do that after planning to do it for so long, (you have, of course, forgotten that you already did it once and so it was pointless to do it again) but now that you're Master of the Universe, you can easily undo it if you want to. So there's no reason not to undo it if you want to; and since you want to undo it, you don't. The universe's pointlessness increases by 750000% as it attempts to reconcile itself with your incomprehensible backwards logic.

Your Point Meter goes up by 5 points. Either your pointless logic has greatly confused it, it has been affected by the increasing pointlessness of the universe, or throwing the wood chips into the ocean was actually not pointless. You decide that it must have gone up by five points for no reason, which satisfies you. Of course, it probably isn't correct, but you don't bother to think about that.

>Become pointless no more!

Now that the universe is incredibly pointless, it occurs to you that being pointless gives you a massive advantage over every other being and will make it hard for anybody to wrest the Master of the Universe title away from you.

Given that, it would be incredibly pointless to stop being pointless, while leaving the newly pointless universe the same.

So that's what you're going to do!

Ending, Part II

You have a headache. You have this strange feeling that you've done a lot of ridiculously pointless things you don't remember. But that's absurd, you're not pointless at all. It's pointless to think such a thing, so you stop. Also, you have absolutely no reason to believe you are the Master of the Universe, and since it would clearly be pointless to believe such a thing with no reason, you quite pointedly do not believe it.

You also have a face, and always have. And you do not have 200 sticky notes on your face that you yourself put there, because why would you do such a pointless thing? You are quite sure of this, and so it happens. What are you talking about? It was *always* true. You didn't make it happen with Master of the Universe-based reality-altering powers. You hear a beep in your pocket.

Checking your pockets, you find a bag labeled "Crazy Pointless Guy's Items". Now why would someone as non-pointless as you have something like this? You open the bag and examine its contents:

-wet sand

What possible use could you have for this? You toss the wet sand on the beach. You hear another beep. What on earth is that?

-Point Meter

Looking at the bag again, you see something labeled a "Point Meter". It is currently registering 23/100 points, whatever that means. You decide you'll take a look at it later, since you have more obviously pointless things to get rid off.

-horseshoe

You don't ride a horse, and you have never done anything as pointless as playing horseshoes for as long as you remember. You don't expect to come across any horses, so you discard the horseshoe in a nearby trashcan, which has very clearly always been here and did not suddenly appear when you wanted there to be one. You hear another beep, and notice that the strange Point Meter has gone up to 24. But you ignore this, as it is obviously pointless to worry about such a thing.

-large hole

Now this is simply ridiculous. This item appears to be a portable hole, but such a thing violates the laws of physics. You must be hallucinating and no such item exists. The large hole which does not exist disappears, clearly because you have stopped hallucinating and not because you have special powers as Master of the Universe, because there is no reason why you would have such powers without remembering them. Why would you even think such a pointless thing? The Point Meter has gone up to 29 with this action, but you are ignoring this most likely pointless item.

-cell door

Likewise, it is impossible that you could fit a cell door larger than the bag into this bag. You must be hallucinating again, and if this cell door even exists, it is clearly blocking the doorway of a cell, perhaps in a Mongol Camp somewhere. The door disappears, for reasons which once again are clearly related to the fact that you are not hallucinating and not any Master of the Universe powers, which you clearly do not possess. You hear another beep as the Point Meter reaches 32.

-oxygen molecules

You appear to have a small bottle labeled "Oxygen molecules" with nothing but air in it. You throw the label away, reasoning you might be able to find something useful to put in it. You hear another beep as the Point Meter reaches 33.

-bag

You decide to take a look at the bag itself. You remove the label from it, as you are not a crazy pointless guy and it would only pointlessly confuse people to carry around a bag suggesting you are, but it's always useful to have a bag to put potentially useful items in. You throw the lable (sic) away. The Point Meter reaches 34.

-used tranquilizer needle

You find a used needle marked "Tranquilizer". This is potentially dangerous, and you don't want to simply throw it in the trash. You carefully put it aside, hoping to find something you can cover the needle with to make it safe. The Point Meter is at 37, not that you're paying any attention to it.

-Czech Army Uniform (equipped)

You suddenly notice that you're wearing a uniform of the Czech Army. But you are in no such army! You wonder how you ended up with it. You change into your regular clothes (by the way, you would never wear a tutu, as that would be pointless) and neatly fold up the uniform so you can return it to its rightful owner at some point. The Point Meter is at 40.

-walnuts

You have some walnuts. Well, you like walnuts, and you're feeling a little hungry, so you eat them. You put the shells in the trashcan. The Point Meter you are ignoring is at 42.

-small screw

You have no idea why you're carrying this small screw. It couldn't possibly be useful for anything. You put it in the trashcan. The Point Meter is at 43.

-note with useless information

You find a note with some information that is completely useless on it. You decide to throw it away. The Point Meter is at 44.

-green light

This green light is far too unwieldy to use as a flashlight. But you can leave it here in case you're still on the beach when it gets dark. You set it up in preparation for this purpose. The Point Meter is at 47.

-T-Shirt which says "I tried to destroy the world and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt"

You have no use for this T-Shirt yourself, but perhaps you can sell it to somebody who likes to wear amusing T-Shirts. You fold it up neatly and put it on top of the army uniform. The Point Meter is at 49. You wonder if you should take a look at it to stop that mildly annoying beeping, but you decide that it can wait.

-Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty

You have a strange item that is either the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty, or the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity... wait, no, it's clearly an amulet. And that strange flash is definitely not your Master of the Universe powers, which you certainly don't have, replacing it with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity you left behind (you have no recollection of doing such a thing, anyways). This is a useless item, but perhaps someone else will be interested in it. You put it with the T-Shirt and the army uniform. Another beep brings the Point Meter to 51.

-Printout of words meaning "to kill"

You have a printout that is apparently the phrase "to kill" translated into 800 languages, many of which are no longer in use. You can't see why you would want to use this, but you realize that you can cover the tranquilizer needle with all this paper to keep it from hurting somebody. You do so, and after some beeping, note that the Point Meter is at 59. You then discard the needle in the trash, and the Point Meter rapidly rises to 75. You really are starting to get annoyed by all this beeping, but you reason it's not that important to deal with it.

-Certificate stating that you are the world record-holder for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds.

You don't recall ever doing this. And it's unlikely somebody else would be named something as silly as "Nopor Puss" (you really should get that legally changed when you're not busy, it sounds rather pointless), so this must be some kind of prank. You throw the paper away. Your Point Meter now reads 76.

You then look at your wrist and see that you are wearing a broken watch. It is set to 85:98? And the alarm is set for 12:62? Wait a minute... this watch is upside-down! Although, 86:58 and 29:21 don't really make any more sense... And if this watch is broken, why can you play Space Invaders on it? Well, you don't have any use for a broken watch, and would never bother playing Space Invaders, so you throw it away. Your Point Meter is now at 77.

-Ten wooden posts.

You could not possibly fit ten wooden posts into your bag. You must be hallucinating again. The only reason you'd be seeing ten wooden posts is if they were set up around the beach... ah, yes, they are. And clearly always have been. You did not just see a flash of light as you subconsciously teleported them, because you are not the Master of the Universe. Your Point Meter is now at 78.

-Set of unsharpened pencils.
-Non-functioning pencil sharpener.

You decide to sharpen a pencil, but you find that the pencil sharpener is broken beyond repair. You throw the sharpener out and hold onto the pencils for possible future use. Your Point Meter is now at 80.

-Reinvented wheel (dangerous paperweight)

You find a strange wheel-like device, which looks rather dangerous. You suddenly get the idea to attach your green light to it. You worry that this might be pointless, but as it turns out, the light fits perfectly into the dangerous part. They must be part of the same machine, which was accidentally broken. This is clearly not caused by any reality-altering powers you possess as Master of the Universe, and it would be silly (not to mention pointless) to believe otherwise. You now have a nice light stand. Your Point Meter is now at 85.

Wait. You quickly search the trash can and take the small screw. You then find a small hole in the device, which the screw fits perfectly into. This, too, clearly has nothing to do with the reality-altering powers you don't have. You carefully screw it in with the screwdriver, which you have always had and did not simply wish into being, and the machine is fixed. You put the screwdriver in your bag. Your Point Meter is now at 87.

-An IOU, stating you owe yourself either nothing, a ridiculous amount of money, or two Inflatable Amulets of Pomposity.

You would never produce such a pointless piece of paper, so you tear it up and throw it away, in case some silly person comes across it and tries to use it against you in a pointless manner. Your Point Meter rises to 92.

Having taken care of that, you look around the beach. There appears to be a ridiculously long ladder made out of sand. And a trail that leads into the sea, and a large impression that looks like a temple once stood there. Now, that's silly. A temple wouldn't be able to move. See? There's the vaguely top-shaped temple right now. (93 points.) Wait, no! A temple would not be top-shaped. See? That looks just like an ordinary temple. (94 points) As for the ridiculously long sand ladder, it was clearly made by some beachgoer who liked to sculpt things and is not the remains of a sand temple. It takes up quite a lot of room on the beach, though. You should probably just brush it back into the beach, so that other beachgoers will have room to make their own sand sculptures. Of course, you would never waste time with such a frivolous and pointless hobby yourself.

You brush the sand ladder away. This takes a while, but you find $5 in coins on the beach during the process. The coins were clearly always there and not brought into being by your thought that there were probably quite a few lost coins over the length of such a ladder. You consider the exercise to have been worthwhile on the whole. The Point Meter apparently does, too, having gone up to 99. It is beeping very loudly. You decide to investigate it.

Now, it is quite clear that this is *not* an object that detects whether your actions serve a purpose, and will explode once it reaches 100 points. And that was created in such a way as to be unaffected by any reality-shifting powers that you possess, not that it matters because you obviously don't. However, all that beeping makes you think you should try to disassemble it, because the noise is bothering you. You take out the screwdriver which you have always had and start to unscrew what is clearly the battery case...

...and just as you do, the Point Meter reaches 100...

*BOOM!*

Ending, Part III

You awake. You have this strange feeling you've done a lot of non-pointless things and don't remember them. You can't see why you have any reason to believe that, so you do. You also notice a strange cloaked figure in front of you, wearing the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity around its neck. It speaks to you.

"Your pointless antics have infuriated me so much! But at last, all my patience has paid off and I live again, with all my powers!"

You get the feeling that this is important and it would be pointless not to listen to it, so you start humming to yourself. The strange figure continues talking regardless.

"You see, I am the ghost of an ancient wizard. I acquired absolute control over time and space, and would have ruled the universe! But some accursed 'heroes' sealed my powers, and destroyed my body. My restless spirit wandered the universe.

"But! There was a way to regain my powers. A certain amulet. It found its way into your possession, but because of your pointlessness and the fact that it appeared to have no powers, you sealed it away in your temple."

You remember that! Hey, maybe he'll explain more things you already know, in which case it would be pointless to listen. You should pay more attention, just in case.

"But I was able to possess your body. Unfortunately, you have an absurdly strong will for someone so pointless, and so I could only control your body when you were unconscious. And I needed the amulet to be used under the right circumstances.

"The amulet, you see, would transfer the powers of its owner to me. If you had worn it at the start, I would have been returned, but with only your power of pointlessness, I would only do pointless things for all eternity. And I could not even use it while taking control of your body, because this ridiculous "debt" of yours to yourself meant you did not recognize yourself as its true owner. And that meant you weren't. Argh, this is giving me a headache, and I don't even have a physical head.

"But! Finally, all of these pointless actions you undertook lead to you becoming Master of the Universe. And then, you renounced your pointlessness and forgave your nonsensical-yet-interfering debt! You retained your absurdly strong will, but once you fell unconscious, I had the perfect opportunity. Under your delusions that your universe of pointlessness was one that made sense, you even ensured that you had the right amulet and not the false one!"

Wow. You apparently managed to do something really pointless *while not being pointless at all!* You're impressed with yourself.

"And so, I wore the amulet and gained your control over the universe, without any pointless side effects. I lack a physical body, but that would only serve to weaken me now. I am completely unstoppable, and I have you to thank for it!"

You tell the evil wizard-ghost he's welcome as he laughs maniacally.

"No one can stop me! It is pointless to even try!" He laughs maniacally some more.

You agree. It *is* pointless to try to stop an all-powerful evil wizard who can control the universe.

And you tell him that's exactly why you're going to do it.

Ending, Part IV - Finale

>Get yourself in pointless troubles to set up a epic final boss fight, whoc is defeated by using pointless tricks learned on this journey, which means the journey had a point, which means nopor puss has a problem.

(This command was made after I'd already planned to end the adventure with an epic boss battle. I commented in the thread that dragonite, who posted it, had read my mind.)

You reflect on this thought, but you can't really see how to get Pac-Man to do that, since he's not here right now. So you'll have to do that yourself instead. You're also pretty sure "Get Pac-Man's self in pointless troubles" doesn't make grammatical sense, which seems pointless enough to worry about at a time like this that you start worrying about it.

As you do this, the wizard laughs at your defiance.

"You cannot even hope to defeat me! I have no physical body. Only an enchanted weapon could even *harm* me."

Suddenly, a tidal wave hits the beach. The Masamune, or rather a Masamune-like sword that looks just like your bad sketch of it, washes up, with a note attached. Actually, it appears to be made out of chips of wood, strangely enough. The note says, "Here's the enchanted sword, based on your plans and made with the materials you provided. Good luck."

>move your speed

Moving with the speed of Pac-Man, you take the misshapen Masamune. You can't wield it properly, making it a highly impractical weapon even if it *does* happen to be enchanted. So you charge blindly at the wizard with it, still at Pac-Man's speed!

>Like a boss.

Two steps away from the wizard, you suddenly stop and tell him you like him. After all, since he's used you as a pawn in his scheme to conquer the universe, you have no reason to.

As he attempts to wrap his head around your absurd logic, you tell him that it's pointless to attack someone you like. So you hit him with the Masamune. He reels back in pain.

>Pick up phone.

For no reason at all, you decide to mime picking up a phone. Suddenly, a phone appears in your hand! You answer it, hoping it's a telemarketer, because you have no reason to talk to one.

Instead, it's one of your former subjects on the formerly-invisible planet.

"Oh great one, we tried to fix the teleporter you adjusted, but it teleported itself away partway through. We think it's tracking your position. We have no idea what it's going to do when it finds you."

You thank the person on the other end and hang up, forgetting what he said because you have no reason to. The teleporter spontaneously appears. It appears right in the middle of the exploded trashcan, which happens to be near your wheel-light. Wait, since when do you have a wheel-light? You hope there's a pointless story behind that.

>Reverse engineer the universe.

You suddenly decide, in the middle of an epic boss battle, that you should figure out how the universe works so you can create your own. Of course, doing this while an omnipotent evil wizard is flinging spells at you isn't the best idea, which only encourages you.

You decide to start by using this screwdriver you don't remember picking up to take apart the teleporter and figure out how it works. Except, with your pointless ways, you do this by attaching various pieces of trash and the wheel-light to the teleporter.

You construct a crude text display out of the remnants of the Point Meter, and hook up the wheel-light to the controls. The crude text display is currently reading "BEACH OF POINTLESSNESS".

You manage to determine that the wheel, when spun, will move the fight to a random location, and the display on the machine will tell you where it is. You are 100% certain of this, so there's no reason to test the hypothesis by spinning the wheel. So you do!

As you spin the wheel, you think that you'd like to go back to Canada, because you have no reason to.

The wheel stops, and the green light blinks. The teleporter reacts, and you and the wizard disappear, mere fractions of a second before the non-teleportable energy bolts the wizard fired at you were about to hit.

You emerge in what's left of the igloo in Canada. The teleporter's display reads "ATLANTIC RIVER". Sven-Man and the Czech Chicken, as well as the rest of the Czech army, are present. They somehow seem to inherently realize that the wizard is bad news. Sven-Man starts pounding the wizard, which is surprisingly effective; either your Masamune has made him temporarily vulnerable to physical attacks, or Sven-Man has enchanted fists. The Czech army also fires on him, and the Czech Chicken pecks him repeatedly.

>Jump out the window.
>NULL command.

(I was having something of a contest at this point for which command would be the final one. It was supposed to be one command per person, but Kanzer submitted two, one of which was "Jump out the window". Since I didn't really know what to do with the "NULL command" one, I included the additional command in here.)

You consider jumping out the window, especially since you don't even remember if you included windows when you built this igloo out of snow gaming consoles, but Pac-Man has apparently decided that action has been removed. Something about getting a second suggestion from the same person. You don't really understand the reasoning, so you decide you have no reason to go along with it and therefore you do.

As you ponder this, the wizard seems to regain his defenses, and knocks away all his attackers. He then decides to seek you out, since your enchanted weapon seems to be the only threat to him. You'd better hold on to it to pointlessly make yourself a target!

The wizard feels that this is not an ideal battlefield. He floats over to the teleporter and spins the wheel. The green light blinks again, but it turns red this time, and you and the wizard are teleported away.

You emerge over a pit. The teleporter reads "MONGOL CAMP". The teleporter is caught in a tree, the wizard can float, and you fall in the pit with the Mongols. You lose your grip on the Masamune, though, and it bounces off the cell door (didn't you take that? You must have returned it for no reason!) and hits the Wizard. This stuns him and knocks him to the ground.
You retrieve the Masamune to pointlessly make yourself the wizard's prime target again. The Mongols start beating up both you and the wizard. However, he soon recovers and spins the teleporter wheel again. This time, the light blinks green.

When you reappear, the teleporter reads "INSANE ASYLUM". You're in a padded cell with the wizard, and there is nobody who can help you.

The wizard casts spell after spell, and you don't even try to dodge. However, the Masamune seems to automatically protect you. You decide to drop it, because there's no reason to...

As you do, an alarm sounds and one of the asylum robots enters the room. It grabs the Masamune, but just as it does, one of the wizard's energy bolts hits the robot. Apparently the Masamune's protection only extends to you. The robot flies erratically, dropping the Masamune onto the wizard and making him vulnerable again. Then it lands on him. The wizard is trapped under the robot now, and it starts blinking as if it's going to explode. You grab the Masamune now, reasoning that it won't do you any good if the robot explodes and kills the wizard. Then you make sure to stand really close to the explosion.

The wizard slowly whispers his final words...

"Stop... observing... daylight... savings... time."

Suddenly, you are back on the beach with the wizard, just as the teleporter pops in. It seems that he has set time back one hour, which conveniently is right at the start of your battle.

"Fool! Thanks to that trick I learned from you, I can alter time and stop my own death! You'd have to destroy me before I can react, which I doubt you'll manage with your pointless ways."

The wizard laughs.

It's clearly hopeless, so you decide to spin the wheel as the teleporter starts acting up...

>Lose the game.

But you apparently lose the game of "Pick the destination". The light blinks red.

The wizard laughs. "You had one chance, and you waste it! This teleporter sends you where you want to go if you win the spin. If you lose, it sends you where you *least* want to go."

You tell him you're disappointed. Losing the spin means that you'll go to the one place where you have the best chance to win the battle. After all, with your pointlessness, that's where you least want to go...

The teleport concludes. You're in a place with very yellow walls. You can't read the display right now, something is obstructing it.

The wizard doesn't know what you're up to, but he's preparing his ultimate spell. He tells you the Masamune will ensure you'll survive it, but if it were destroyed, nothing could possibly save you.

Hearing this, you snap the Masamune in two. The wizard laughs and blasts you with his ultimate spell, which will utterly wipe you from existence...

But you're okay! You remember that you decided you were going to be okay, so you are now. You stop deciding that, because you have no reason to get rid of the only thing protecting you.

The wizard is confused by his spell's failure, but decides he should at least be able to destroy the broken Masamune, so you can't harm him. He blasts it, and the sword explodes into wood chips...

But there appears to be something else in there. It looks like a large flashing dot. It slowly falls to the floor.

Which, now that you notice, looks a lot like stomach acid. Hey, this place seems familiar...

There's a rumbling. The teleporter moves slightly. The display reads:

"PAC-MAN'S STOMACH"

And it looks like somebody just fed him a power pellet.

The wizard is immediately destroyed by Pac-Man's newly gained ability to eat ghosts. He is dissolved by the stomach acid before he can use his time-shifting powers to escape.

>FALCOWN PAUNCH the Pac-man

(This was Kanzer's other command, which I chose as the winning command of the entire adventure. I was already planning to have the battle end inside Pac-Man before he submitted this.)

You decide that it would be pointless to perform a FALCON PUNCH on Pac-Man, especially after he saved you (if unknowingly) from an omnipotent ghost wizard. So, that's what you do. This makes his insides act up.

Pac-Man doesn't feel so good after this, and spits out you, the broken Masamune, and the teleporter. And the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity, which was apparently too strong for Pac-Man's stomach acid.

Pac-Man feels better, and goes on his merry way. You thank him for narrating for you, which only serves to confuse him.

Now that the wizard is destroyed, wearing the amulet will not save the universe from his evil by awakening him with only the power of pointlessness. So there's really no reason to pick it up and wear it. So, that's exactly what you do!

You receive the INFLATABLE AMULET OF POMPOSITY and wear it. The universe is not saved by this action, because you already saved it. You didn't mean to, though. In any case, since you currently are not in debt to yourself, this means you win!

You make your way along a pointlessly difficult path back to your temple. You decide to keep your new amulet in a safe place, since it now has no powers whatsoever. As you open the door leading to the most secure room of the temple, a wave of sea water washes over you. You got pointlessly caught in your own trap! How perfect!

You put the amulet back on the pedestal and leave the room. Now that's made this whole journey extra-pointless! You wonder what pointless thing you'll do tomorrow. Maybe you'll go on a quest for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity!

THE END

And that's the whole thing! Hope you enjoyed it!