Re: An extremely wacky offsite text adventure.
05-19-2009, 02:22 AM
Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.
Part 9!
Part 10!
Part 11!
Part 9!
SpoilerShow
>fear roomate
You fear your nonexistent roommate.
>cry
You cry.
>become the prison's bitch
You become the nonexistent prison's female dog. You run around in circles and bark. You get so caught up with being a female dog that you forget to continue imagining the nonexistent oil rig and fall into the water.
>drown
You attempt to drown yourself. You fall unconscious, and then wake up to discover that you're outside the temple. You have no idea how you got here, and since finding out how might help you return here later, you decide not to investigate.
>kick temple
You kick the temple. This has no effect except to hurt your foot. Success!
>get kicked by temple
You wait for the temple to kick you. This doesn't seem to happen, so you kick the temple again to get it to retaliate. You hurt your foot some more.
>look around
You look around. You see a wide array of extremely useful items, and a small, thoroughly insignificant and utterly useless screw.
>take array of extremely useful items
You take the large array of extremely useful items, making a mental note not to use any of them for their intended purpose, so they'll only weigh you down.
>use array of extremely useful items to make a large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw
You construct an elaborate replica of the screw out of the extremely useful items. It's a very well-done replica. In fact, nobody would be able to tell the difference between it and the original screw if not for the fact that it's several thousand times the size, and also clearly made from a large array of extremely useful items, and only vaguely shaped like the screw. Come to think of it, just about anybody would be able to tell the difference.
>use large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw on small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw
You carefully take the screw and put the ridiculously large replica in its place. Apparently this is a plan to disarm a trap triggered by removing the screw, but since there is no such trap, the whole effort was pointlessly complicated. Which means it was a complete success!
>System.out.println(extremelyUsefulItems[1].toString());
You attempt to program a command onto the screw. It doesn't work very well. Just as you intended!
>turn on robot detector
You turn on a robot detector which happens to be in the large screw sculpture. It says "NO ROBOTS DECTECTED IN AREA".
>destroy all robots
You destroy all the robots which aren't there. This takes you a while.
>JUST DANCE
You dance.
>GONNA BE OKAY
You continue deciding that you are going to be okay.
>move east
You go east. You are at a fast-food restaurant.
>move west
You go west. You are at the temple.
>move south
You go south. You are at a swamp.
>move north
You go north. You are at the temple.
>move northwest
You go northwest. You are at the base of a tall cliff.
>move southeast
You go southeast. You are at the temple.
>move northeast
You go northeast. You are at a blacksmith's.
>move southwest
You go southwest. You are at the temple.
>MOVE YOUR SPEED
You are now moving as fast as Pac-Man.
>SHOW ME YOUR MOVES
You demonstrate Pac-Man's moves to yourself again.
>SHOW ME YOUR MOOSE
You attempt to show yourself Pac-Man's moose. This doesn't work very well, which makes the whole effort pointless. Excellent!
>BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER
You have no idea who Billie Jean is, but you decide that he, she, or it is not your lover.
>Generate random video game name.
The name "Android Goth Extravaganza" pops into your head for no particular reason.
>Scene said videogame title
You construct a scene from Android Goth Extravaganza. The scene contains no androids, goths, or extravaganzas, or any combinations thereof.
>eviscerate bunny
There is no bunny to eviscerate. So you eviscerate the bunny that isn't there. You get nonexistent blood all over your tutu.
>play air guitar
You start playing air guitar. If you played an actual guitar the same way, the music would actually be rather good, but of course you'd play differently in that case.
>break air string
You break one of the strings on the air guitar. The damage to something that doesn't actually exist saddens you.
>trash air guitar
You throw away the air guitar. It lands inside the temple, right on the amulet as it turns out. Now you won't be able to get the amulet until the guitar is moved.
>YO LISTEN UP...
(At this point, a user known as Sven makes a rather lengthy and mostly nonsensical post. I couldn't be bothered to do the whole thing line-by-line, so instead, I went with the following response.)
You play with a Yo-Yo, or as you've spontaneously decided to call it, a "Yo-Listen-Up..." (oh, forget it. I'm not going to narrate out that whole thing. I'm not as pointless as you are, and these power pellets won't eat themselves.)
>I remember that. ^_^
You suddenly remember something that you never had any actual knowledge of. The information seems completely useless, so you make a note of it. You now have a note with useless information on it.
(This was actually a response to the ridiculously long post. I treated it as a command anyways, just for fun.)
>CHASSEZ TON LIVRE
You attempt to chase Pac-Man's book in French.
>GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT
You give yourself a green light. Apparently, you were carrying it the whole time, but you can only use it now.
>GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT
You give yourself a night. It's unclear how you're carrying it.
>I'M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW
You decide you're ready to go. So, you have no reason to stay where you are, and that's what you do.
>fornicate
You'd rather not. Your plan is to keep the game at a G-level, but get the ratings board to declare it AO for absolutely no reason.
>fumigate
You fumigate, since there are no bugs in the area. You attempt to do this with the small screw, which is totally ineffective at fumigating. Success!
>Destroy the world.
It's pointless to destroy the world, so you decide to try. Of course, your methods are utterly pointless, so your plan fails completely. You wind up with a T-Shirt that says "I tried to destroy the world and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" on it.
>investigate seams
You examine the seams of the T-Shirt. They "seam" perfectly normal.
>Fire your gun into the air in frustration.
You fire the gun you don't have into the air. A bird that doesn't exist gets shot and falls down, hitting you on the head. Since there's no bird to inflict the injury, this knocks you out. When you come to, you are hanging upside-down from a tree.
>Recap.
You are on a quest for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. You were capable of just taking it, but that wasn't nearly pointless enough, so you made an effort to booby-trap the temple, modified its layout in such a way that it resembled a top and the wind sent it spinning. You also decided to start pretending that the narrator is Pac-Man, and as such any command with a "You" in it now refers to Pac-Man. In addition, you discovered that you have a tendency to wake up somewhere else every time you get knocked out. After a variety of mostly pointless sidetracks, including a lost jungle civilization which you escaped from by observing daylight savings time, an infinitely repeating desert which you escaped from by constructing a rocket out of a velociraptor skeleton, a ridiculously dangerous situation on a volcanic island that you claimed in the name of the Czech Republic, a Mongol camp, and a strange hospital/insane asylum, you found the temple and the amulet again. You then took the amulet, but only to keep it out of your own possession, and then you repeated every action you had done since the beginning of the quest three times. This took you to the moon, where you somehow obtained the tutu that you are now wearing. The moon lead to Pittsburgh and an invisible planet, which you made visible. You were greeted as a hero, then built a teleporter (using a perfectly-functioning teleporter as a component) and attempted to go to Earth, but instead wound up back on your starting planet. You then found your way back to the temple while trying to do something else entirely, but you haven't gone inside yet. And now you are hanging upside-down from a tree just outside the temple.
>capitulate
You capitulate to yourself.
You fear your nonexistent roommate.
>cry
You cry.
>become the prison's bitch
You become the nonexistent prison's female dog. You run around in circles and bark. You get so caught up with being a female dog that you forget to continue imagining the nonexistent oil rig and fall into the water.
>drown
You attempt to drown yourself. You fall unconscious, and then wake up to discover that you're outside the temple. You have no idea how you got here, and since finding out how might help you return here later, you decide not to investigate.
>kick temple
You kick the temple. This has no effect except to hurt your foot. Success!
>get kicked by temple
You wait for the temple to kick you. This doesn't seem to happen, so you kick the temple again to get it to retaliate. You hurt your foot some more.
>look around
You look around. You see a wide array of extremely useful items, and a small, thoroughly insignificant and utterly useless screw.
>take array of extremely useful items
You take the large array of extremely useful items, making a mental note not to use any of them for their intended purpose, so they'll only weigh you down.
>use array of extremely useful items to make a large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw
You construct an elaborate replica of the screw out of the extremely useful items. It's a very well-done replica. In fact, nobody would be able to tell the difference between it and the original screw if not for the fact that it's several thousand times the size, and also clearly made from a large array of extremely useful items, and only vaguely shaped like the screw. Come to think of it, just about anybody would be able to tell the difference.
>use large replica of small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw on small, thoroughly insignficant and utterly useless screw
You carefully take the screw and put the ridiculously large replica in its place. Apparently this is a plan to disarm a trap triggered by removing the screw, but since there is no such trap, the whole effort was pointlessly complicated. Which means it was a complete success!
>System.out.println(extremelyUsefulItems[1].toString());
You attempt to program a command onto the screw. It doesn't work very well. Just as you intended!
>turn on robot detector
You turn on a robot detector which happens to be in the large screw sculpture. It says "NO ROBOTS DECTECTED IN AREA".
>destroy all robots
You destroy all the robots which aren't there. This takes you a while.
>JUST DANCE
You dance.
>GONNA BE OKAY
You continue deciding that you are going to be okay.
>move east
You go east. You are at a fast-food restaurant.
>move west
You go west. You are at the temple.
>move south
You go south. You are at a swamp.
>move north
You go north. You are at the temple.
>move northwest
You go northwest. You are at the base of a tall cliff.
>move southeast
You go southeast. You are at the temple.
>move northeast
You go northeast. You are at a blacksmith's.
>move southwest
You go southwest. You are at the temple.
>MOVE YOUR SPEED
You are now moving as fast as Pac-Man.
>SHOW ME YOUR MOVES
You demonstrate Pac-Man's moves to yourself again.
>SHOW ME YOUR MOOSE
You attempt to show yourself Pac-Man's moose. This doesn't work very well, which makes the whole effort pointless. Excellent!
>BILLIE JEAN IS NOT MY LOVER
You have no idea who Billie Jean is, but you decide that he, she, or it is not your lover.
>Generate random video game name.
The name "Android Goth Extravaganza" pops into your head for no particular reason.
>Scene said videogame title
You construct a scene from Android Goth Extravaganza. The scene contains no androids, goths, or extravaganzas, or any combinations thereof.
>eviscerate bunny
There is no bunny to eviscerate. So you eviscerate the bunny that isn't there. You get nonexistent blood all over your tutu.
>play air guitar
You start playing air guitar. If you played an actual guitar the same way, the music would actually be rather good, but of course you'd play differently in that case.
>break air string
You break one of the strings on the air guitar. The damage to something that doesn't actually exist saddens you.
>trash air guitar
You throw away the air guitar. It lands inside the temple, right on the amulet as it turns out. Now you won't be able to get the amulet until the guitar is moved.
>YO LISTEN UP...
(At this point, a user known as Sven makes a rather lengthy and mostly nonsensical post. I couldn't be bothered to do the whole thing line-by-line, so instead, I went with the following response.)
You play with a Yo-Yo, or as you've spontaneously decided to call it, a "Yo-Listen-Up..." (oh, forget it. I'm not going to narrate out that whole thing. I'm not as pointless as you are, and these power pellets won't eat themselves.)
>I remember that. ^_^
You suddenly remember something that you never had any actual knowledge of. The information seems completely useless, so you make a note of it. You now have a note with useless information on it.
(This was actually a response to the ridiculously long post. I treated it as a command anyways, just for fun.)
>CHASSEZ TON LIVRE
You attempt to chase Pac-Man's book in French.
>GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT
You give yourself a green light. Apparently, you were carrying it the whole time, but you can only use it now.
>GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT
You give yourself a night. It's unclear how you're carrying it.
>I'M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW
You decide you're ready to go. So, you have no reason to stay where you are, and that's what you do.
>fornicate
You'd rather not. Your plan is to keep the game at a G-level, but get the ratings board to declare it AO for absolutely no reason.
>fumigate
You fumigate, since there are no bugs in the area. You attempt to do this with the small screw, which is totally ineffective at fumigating. Success!
>Destroy the world.
It's pointless to destroy the world, so you decide to try. Of course, your methods are utterly pointless, so your plan fails completely. You wind up with a T-Shirt that says "I tried to destroy the world and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt" on it.
>investigate seams
You examine the seams of the T-Shirt. They "seam" perfectly normal.
>Fire your gun into the air in frustration.
You fire the gun you don't have into the air. A bird that doesn't exist gets shot and falls down, hitting you on the head. Since there's no bird to inflict the injury, this knocks you out. When you come to, you are hanging upside-down from a tree.
>Recap.
You are on a quest for the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. You were capable of just taking it, but that wasn't nearly pointless enough, so you made an effort to booby-trap the temple, modified its layout in such a way that it resembled a top and the wind sent it spinning. You also decided to start pretending that the narrator is Pac-Man, and as such any command with a "You" in it now refers to Pac-Man. In addition, you discovered that you have a tendency to wake up somewhere else every time you get knocked out. After a variety of mostly pointless sidetracks, including a lost jungle civilization which you escaped from by observing daylight savings time, an infinitely repeating desert which you escaped from by constructing a rocket out of a velociraptor skeleton, a ridiculously dangerous situation on a volcanic island that you claimed in the name of the Czech Republic, a Mongol camp, and a strange hospital/insane asylum, you found the temple and the amulet again. You then took the amulet, but only to keep it out of your own possession, and then you repeated every action you had done since the beginning of the quest three times. This took you to the moon, where you somehow obtained the tutu that you are now wearing. The moon lead to Pittsburgh and an invisible planet, which you made visible. You were greeted as a hero, then built a teleporter (using a perfectly-functioning teleporter as a component) and attempted to go to Earth, but instead wound up back on your starting planet. You then found your way back to the temple while trying to do something else entirely, but you haven't gone inside yet. And now you are hanging upside-down from a tree just outside the temple.
>capitulate
You capitulate to yourself.
Part 10!
SpoilerShow
>Jump.
You jump. Since you are hanging upside-down, this means you fall to the ground headfirst. The impact knocks you unconscious. When you wake up, you are hanging upside-down from the tree again.
>observe fingernails
You observe your fingernails. You think they might be in league with your shadow. They don't seem to be doing anything at the moment, but perhaps they're simply waiting for the right moment to strike...
>Lower yourself off slowly.
You lower yourself off the tree branch slowly, only you're doing this from your perspective, so you effectively just climb up to another branch. Your movements shake the tree enough to knock a strange fruit to the ground.
>Retcon your adventure to include new, unnecessary backstory.
You make up some pointless backstory for yourself. You are now the last son of the lost planet Pointlesson, you were bitten by a radioactive unsharpened pencil (don't ask me how), and you were raised in the wilderness by a tribe of very pointless sloths. The combined pointlessness of these facts had, in the end, no real effect on your desire to be the most pointless being in the universe; you were going to do that anyways.
>become enlightened
You become enlightened. You then ignore everything that being enlightened teaches you, because it might actually be useful.
>I just lost.
You somehow manage to get lost while hanging upside-down from a tree. You end up on a small tropical volcanic island, where a group of islanders spot you and decide to sacrifice you to the volcano.
>knock self out repeatedly until waking near a volcano
You knock yourself out, and wake up immediately to find yourself tied up and about to be thrown into the volcano.
>douse volcano with soda
One of the islanders guarding you is drinking a soda for some reason. You manage to wriggle your hand free, grab the soda, and toss it in the volcano. This has no effect, because it lands in water - actually, this volcano looks rather familiar.
>relight volcano with tacos
You grab some tacos the other guards are eating and throw them in the volcano. You hear sounds that can only be described as the sound of a shark hungrily devouring tacos. The islanders are getting mad at you, but they are interrupted by soldiers from the Czech Republic, who have been instructed to take you back for questioning. The islanders grumble, hand you over, and go back to operating their nuclear power plant. The Czech soldiers start to take you away.
>knock self out repeatedly until waking near the tree
You hit your head on a Czech soldier's helmet. You are knocked out by the attempt, and wake up hanging upside-down from the second tree branch. The Czech soldiers are around the base of the tree, looking at you quizzically.
>turn tree upside down
You somehow manage to turn the tree upside-down. The Czech soldiers cautiously observe you; they seem conflicted between carrying out their orders and, well, getting anywhere near you.
>hang upside down from upside down tree
You hang upside-down from the upside-down tree, which means you are standing right-side up. Since you don't appear to be doing anything at the moment, the Czech soldiers decide to seize you, although they aren't sure exactly how they're going to find transportation from here.
>Dive your battleship.
After some time, the Czech soldiers finally reach a Czech battleship. You quickly steal it (even though you're still tied up) and command it to dive. When the battleship doesn't comply, you command it again. The confused Czech soldiers wonder why you're shouting commands, and you reply, "I've stolen this battleship." This leaves them confused, and they all decide to stay farther away from you.
>Finds "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" under the sand that you've dive into.
You dive into the sand that isn't there and hit your head on the battleship floor, knocking yourself out. You wake up in the endless desert (your launch pad is still there) with your head in the sand, holding a Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. Several confused Czech soldiers are in the desert as well. Also, you somehow aren't tied up now.
>Use thesaurus and change "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" into it's antonyms. Deflatable --> Infatable, Cursed Tablet --> Amulet, Modesty --> Pomposity
You grab a thesaurus out of the pocket of one of the Czech soldiers and use the antonyms to turn the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty into the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. The soldier asks how the heck you get "Amulet" as the opposite of "Cursed Tablet", and then he pauses and asks how you even got that to work anyways. You reply that you simply deflated it, then it became Inflatable instead of Deflatable. The rest was just calling the deflated version an "amulet" and changing the effect to "Pomposity" from "Modesty". The soldier gives you a funny look.
>gift Czech soldiers with Inflatable Amulet Of Pomposity
You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity to the soldier you've been talking to. He gives you another funny look.
>Use Pointless Yell.
You pointlessly yell that you don't have enough power stars filled to use Pointless Yell. All the soldiers give you funny looks now.
>Try to take the "Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity" back to finish the main quest.
The soldier is too busy giving you a funny look to resist any efforts you might make to retake the amulet. That's not nearly pointless enough! Now that there's one right here which you can easily take, it would be far more pointless for you to make your way back to the temple and pick up the other one.
>inventory
You are carrying: a bag, wet sand, a "reason" which looks like a horseshoe, a Point meter, a large hole, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune in a flask, some oxygen molecules, a used tranquilizer needle, a tutu (which you are currently wearing), some walnuts, a small and insignificant screw, a note with useless information written on it, a green light, and a T-Shirt.
(Mistake: The sketch of the Masamune was already thrown into the ocean. I didn't catch this until later.)
>exits
Exits are: infinitely repeating desert, Pittsburgh.
>take inflatable amulet of pomposity from soldier
You can't take the amulet from the soldier now, he's not resisting at all!
>go back to temple, switch inflatable amulet of pomposity with inflatable amulet of pomposity
You decide that it would be even more pointless to go to all the effort of switching one Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with another, so you take the amulet from the soldier after all. You then work your way back to the temple, making a specific point to forget how you got there. You exchange the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity.
>return inflatable amulet of pomposity to soldier
You make your way back to the infinite desert somehow, and again, you forget exactly how. You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity back to the very confused soldier.
>switch amulet of pomposity with amulet of bombaster
You don't have an Amulet of Bombaster, so you go back to the temple and switch the one you don't have with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. Now when you try to take it, you'll have a non-existent Amulet of Bombaster! You'll fool yourself with this one for sure!
(>IN-GAME NOTE)
Note that you have not won yet, because the amulet you are now carrying is actually the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. The win condition requires you to have the one that was in the temple at the beginning of the game. (And even that's not enough, if you're only holding onto it to keep it away from yourself...)
>Use curse tablet to make yourself need the feeling of modesty.
You inflate the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty and suddenly feel modest, even though there's nothing particularly revealing about your tutu.
>Try to find something to cover yourself completely.
You decide to cover yourself better, so you go back to the desert and somehow switch a soldier's uniform with your tutu. You are now wearing a uniform of the Czech Republic Army. The other soldiers start giving funny looks to the soldier wearing the tutu and aren't paying much attention to you. The soldier in the tutu looks embarrassed.
>educate soldier wearing tutu about the way of the pointless
You teach the soldier wearing a tutu everything you know about pointlessness. He finds the lessons very confusing, especially the one where you teach him how to teach an unwilling pupil everything he knows about pointlessness.
>tell him everything is a lie
You tell the confused soldier that everything is a lie.
>tell him that the previous sentence was the real lie
You tell the even more confused soldier that what you just said was the actual lie.
>deny having ever lied to him
You tell the extremely confused soldier that you have never lied to him.
>deny ever denying ever lying to him
You tell the soldier that you never denied lying to him as he runs around in circles clucking like a chicken. You appear to have driven him insane. The other soldiers try to stay away from both of you.
>tell the robot to kill
You shout a command to your translator robot to kill, but it can't hear you because the courthouse is nowhere near you. The soldiers look confused, and the clucking soldier in a tutu wanders off to Pittsburgh, still clucking.
>tell the robot to love
You shout a command to your translator robot to love. It still can't hear you. The soldiers appear to have decided to follow their tutu-wearing comrade to Pittsburgh in the meantime.
>Convert the soldiers into kitties with magical abilities.
You head to Pittsburgh to attempt to convert the soldiers into magical kitties, but the super-strong villain attacking Pittsburgh throws you north to the moon before you can even make the inevitably unsuccessful attempt.
>tell Sven he's awesome
You run south back to Pittsburgh and tell Sven the super-strong villain that he's awesome. It seems that this was all he wanted to hear, so he stops terrorizing Pittsburgh and leaves for Canada. The clucking soldier in a tutu follows him. You can now go to Canada from Pittsburgh.
(This is referring to the same Sven I mentioned in an earlier author commentary.)
>who would ever want to go to canda?
You ask "Who would ever want to go to Canada?" It turns out that the answer is "the entire population of Pittsburgh and the Czech Army", as a stampede rushes past you to the exit to Canada.
>go to courthouse
You go to a courthouse in Pittsburgh. Amazingly enough, one of the lawsuits against your translator robot is happening here. This appears to be the only building in the city with anyone left in it.
>tell the robot to kill
You tell your translator robot to kill. It responds by printing out a translation of the verbs meaning "to kill" in 800 languages. You take the printout. The judge tells you to leave before he holds you in contempt of court.
>Theorycraft AW.
You start theorycrafting AW, which stands for "Automatic Werewolf" as far as you know. It turns out that everyone in the court is very big on "Automatic Werewolf", whatever that is, and you somehow win the ensuing argument even though you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. As a result, your translator robot wins the lawsuit and can legally begin translating Super Robot Wars games for sale in Pittsburgh, which it does immediately.
(AW actually stands for "Advance Wars", in case you haven't figured that out from my previous notes.)
>GO TO CANADA
You leave the courthouse and go to Canada. When you arrive, you discover that you are now in The Amazing Canadian Adventures of Sven-Man: Arrival of the Pointless Master. Apparently, after being told he was awesome, Sven decided to give up villainy and become a hero, and now has his own adventure going on in Canada, and you've become the villain of his adventure somehow. You're pleased by how pointless it is to make you into a villain, since you aren't much of a threat to anybody.
>INVESTIGATE IGLOO
You plan to investigate an igloo. You don't see any, but there's plenty of snow, so you build one. You then investigate the igloo you built, because it's completely pointless to investigate something that you built just a few minutes ago. However, Sven-Man suddenly appears and thwarts your, um, "nefarious plan" to, uh, build an igloo? Well, he smashes the igloo before you can finish investigating it, thereby thwarting you. You thank him, because he just made all your efforts a waste of time. Sven-Man finds this confusing. He calls for his sidekick, the Czech Chicken, who appears, clucks and pecks at the ground. You think the Czech Chicken's tutu looks familiar.
>invent the greatest videogame console ever
While Sven-Man stands around confused and his sidekick goes more insane, you start constructing the greatest video game console ever, using only snow. The system you produce has the best specifications of anything on the market, and would be an instant best-seller as soon as somebody comes up with a format to program games in that it's compatible with, since it doesn't accept cartridges or discs of any known type.
>build several grestest videogame consoles ever
You make more identical video game consoles out of snow.
>build house out of several greatest videogame consoles ever, making sure it's unpowered
You build an oversized igloo with the snow consoles. You make sure the igloo receives no power, then you proceed to investigate it.
>swim across atlantic
Your investigations of the igloo you created reveals you built it in such a way that there is a river passing through it. Having no reason to believe this river hasn't already been discovered and named, you *do* believe it, and so you discover it. You name the river "the Atlantic" for no particular reason and swim across it. It is quite cold.
>dry atlantic
You attempt to dry the Atlantic River by blowing on it. You are unsuccessful, which pleases you.
>drink atlantic
You attempt to drink the Atlantic River. Your head gets frozen in it. It's cold up here. You somehow manage to extricate your head from it, but your head is now encased in an ice cube.
>walk draught Atlantic to Spain
You walk across the Atlantic Riverbed, which you incorrectly assume to be dry, and declare you are in Spain now. Although you're freezing and the ice cube around your head makes it hard for your declarations to be heard.
>find Kanzer
You attempt to find Kanzer. You have no idea who that is, but you decide it's less likely to be Sven-Man than the Czech Chicken. So you pointlessly decide that Sven-Man is Kanzer.
(Kanzer is yet another user posting commands here. Including this one.)
>talk to Kanzer
You attempt to talk to Sven-Man and say "Hi Kanzer!", but he can't hear you too well through the ice cube. Also, he's still very confused.
>achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss
You achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss. Your enlightenment reveals the knowledge of how to talk while your head is frozen in an ice cube. So, naturally, you ignore this knowledge entirely.
You jump. Since you are hanging upside-down, this means you fall to the ground headfirst. The impact knocks you unconscious. When you wake up, you are hanging upside-down from the tree again.
>observe fingernails
You observe your fingernails. You think they might be in league with your shadow. They don't seem to be doing anything at the moment, but perhaps they're simply waiting for the right moment to strike...
>Lower yourself off slowly.
You lower yourself off the tree branch slowly, only you're doing this from your perspective, so you effectively just climb up to another branch. Your movements shake the tree enough to knock a strange fruit to the ground.
>Retcon your adventure to include new, unnecessary backstory.
You make up some pointless backstory for yourself. You are now the last son of the lost planet Pointlesson, you were bitten by a radioactive unsharpened pencil (don't ask me how), and you were raised in the wilderness by a tribe of very pointless sloths. The combined pointlessness of these facts had, in the end, no real effect on your desire to be the most pointless being in the universe; you were going to do that anyways.
>become enlightened
You become enlightened. You then ignore everything that being enlightened teaches you, because it might actually be useful.
>I just lost.
You somehow manage to get lost while hanging upside-down from a tree. You end up on a small tropical volcanic island, where a group of islanders spot you and decide to sacrifice you to the volcano.
>knock self out repeatedly until waking near a volcano
You knock yourself out, and wake up immediately to find yourself tied up and about to be thrown into the volcano.
>douse volcano with soda
One of the islanders guarding you is drinking a soda for some reason. You manage to wriggle your hand free, grab the soda, and toss it in the volcano. This has no effect, because it lands in water - actually, this volcano looks rather familiar.
>relight volcano with tacos
You grab some tacos the other guards are eating and throw them in the volcano. You hear sounds that can only be described as the sound of a shark hungrily devouring tacos. The islanders are getting mad at you, but they are interrupted by soldiers from the Czech Republic, who have been instructed to take you back for questioning. The islanders grumble, hand you over, and go back to operating their nuclear power plant. The Czech soldiers start to take you away.
>knock self out repeatedly until waking near the tree
You hit your head on a Czech soldier's helmet. You are knocked out by the attempt, and wake up hanging upside-down from the second tree branch. The Czech soldiers are around the base of the tree, looking at you quizzically.
>turn tree upside down
You somehow manage to turn the tree upside-down. The Czech soldiers cautiously observe you; they seem conflicted between carrying out their orders and, well, getting anywhere near you.
>hang upside down from upside down tree
You hang upside-down from the upside-down tree, which means you are standing right-side up. Since you don't appear to be doing anything at the moment, the Czech soldiers decide to seize you, although they aren't sure exactly how they're going to find transportation from here.
>Dive your battleship.
After some time, the Czech soldiers finally reach a Czech battleship. You quickly steal it (even though you're still tied up) and command it to dive. When the battleship doesn't comply, you command it again. The confused Czech soldiers wonder why you're shouting commands, and you reply, "I've stolen this battleship." This leaves them confused, and they all decide to stay farther away from you.
>Finds "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" under the sand that you've dive into.
You dive into the sand that isn't there and hit your head on the battleship floor, knocking yourself out. You wake up in the endless desert (your launch pad is still there) with your head in the sand, holding a Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. Several confused Czech soldiers are in the desert as well. Also, you somehow aren't tied up now.
>Use thesaurus and change "Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty" into it's antonyms. Deflatable --> Infatable, Cursed Tablet --> Amulet, Modesty --> Pomposity
You grab a thesaurus out of the pocket of one of the Czech soldiers and use the antonyms to turn the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty into the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. The soldier asks how the heck you get "Amulet" as the opposite of "Cursed Tablet", and then he pauses and asks how you even got that to work anyways. You reply that you simply deflated it, then it became Inflatable instead of Deflatable. The rest was just calling the deflated version an "amulet" and changing the effect to "Pomposity" from "Modesty". The soldier gives you a funny look.
>gift Czech soldiers with Inflatable Amulet Of Pomposity
You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity to the soldier you've been talking to. He gives you another funny look.
>Use Pointless Yell.
You pointlessly yell that you don't have enough power stars filled to use Pointless Yell. All the soldiers give you funny looks now.
>Try to take the "Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity" back to finish the main quest.
The soldier is too busy giving you a funny look to resist any efforts you might make to retake the amulet. That's not nearly pointless enough! Now that there's one right here which you can easily take, it would be far more pointless for you to make your way back to the temple and pick up the other one.
>inventory
You are carrying: a bag, wet sand, a "reason" which looks like a horseshoe, a Point meter, a large hole, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune in a flask, some oxygen molecules, a used tranquilizer needle, a tutu (which you are currently wearing), some walnuts, a small and insignificant screw, a note with useless information written on it, a green light, and a T-Shirt.
(Mistake: The sketch of the Masamune was already thrown into the ocean. I didn't catch this until later.)
>exits
Exits are: infinitely repeating desert, Pittsburgh.
>take inflatable amulet of pomposity from soldier
You can't take the amulet from the soldier now, he's not resisting at all!
>go back to temple, switch inflatable amulet of pomposity with inflatable amulet of pomposity
You decide that it would be even more pointless to go to all the effort of switching one Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with another, so you take the amulet from the soldier after all. You then work your way back to the temple, making a specific point to forget how you got there. You exchange the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity.
>return inflatable amulet of pomposity to soldier
You make your way back to the infinite desert somehow, and again, you forget exactly how. You give the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity back to the very confused soldier.
>switch amulet of pomposity with amulet of bombaster
You don't have an Amulet of Bombaster, so you go back to the temple and switch the one you don't have with the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity. Now when you try to take it, you'll have a non-existent Amulet of Bombaster! You'll fool yourself with this one for sure!
(>IN-GAME NOTE)
Note that you have not won yet, because the amulet you are now carrying is actually the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty. The win condition requires you to have the one that was in the temple at the beginning of the game. (And even that's not enough, if you're only holding onto it to keep it away from yourself...)
>Use curse tablet to make yourself need the feeling of modesty.
You inflate the Deflatable Cursed Tablet of Modesty and suddenly feel modest, even though there's nothing particularly revealing about your tutu.
>Try to find something to cover yourself completely.
You decide to cover yourself better, so you go back to the desert and somehow switch a soldier's uniform with your tutu. You are now wearing a uniform of the Czech Republic Army. The other soldiers start giving funny looks to the soldier wearing the tutu and aren't paying much attention to you. The soldier in the tutu looks embarrassed.
>educate soldier wearing tutu about the way of the pointless
You teach the soldier wearing a tutu everything you know about pointlessness. He finds the lessons very confusing, especially the one where you teach him how to teach an unwilling pupil everything he knows about pointlessness.
>tell him everything is a lie
You tell the confused soldier that everything is a lie.
>tell him that the previous sentence was the real lie
You tell the even more confused soldier that what you just said was the actual lie.
>deny having ever lied to him
You tell the extremely confused soldier that you have never lied to him.
>deny ever denying ever lying to him
You tell the soldier that you never denied lying to him as he runs around in circles clucking like a chicken. You appear to have driven him insane. The other soldiers try to stay away from both of you.
>tell the robot to kill
You shout a command to your translator robot to kill, but it can't hear you because the courthouse is nowhere near you. The soldiers look confused, and the clucking soldier in a tutu wanders off to Pittsburgh, still clucking.
>tell the robot to love
You shout a command to your translator robot to love. It still can't hear you. The soldiers appear to have decided to follow their tutu-wearing comrade to Pittsburgh in the meantime.
>Convert the soldiers into kitties with magical abilities.
You head to Pittsburgh to attempt to convert the soldiers into magical kitties, but the super-strong villain attacking Pittsburgh throws you north to the moon before you can even make the inevitably unsuccessful attempt.
>tell Sven he's awesome
You run south back to Pittsburgh and tell Sven the super-strong villain that he's awesome. It seems that this was all he wanted to hear, so he stops terrorizing Pittsburgh and leaves for Canada. The clucking soldier in a tutu follows him. You can now go to Canada from Pittsburgh.
(This is referring to the same Sven I mentioned in an earlier author commentary.)
>who would ever want to go to canda?
You ask "Who would ever want to go to Canada?" It turns out that the answer is "the entire population of Pittsburgh and the Czech Army", as a stampede rushes past you to the exit to Canada.
>go to courthouse
You go to a courthouse in Pittsburgh. Amazingly enough, one of the lawsuits against your translator robot is happening here. This appears to be the only building in the city with anyone left in it.
>tell the robot to kill
You tell your translator robot to kill. It responds by printing out a translation of the verbs meaning "to kill" in 800 languages. You take the printout. The judge tells you to leave before he holds you in contempt of court.
>Theorycraft AW.
You start theorycrafting AW, which stands for "Automatic Werewolf" as far as you know. It turns out that everyone in the court is very big on "Automatic Werewolf", whatever that is, and you somehow win the ensuing argument even though you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. As a result, your translator robot wins the lawsuit and can legally begin translating Super Robot Wars games for sale in Pittsburgh, which it does immediately.
(AW actually stands for "Advance Wars", in case you haven't figured that out from my previous notes.)
>GO TO CANADA
You leave the courthouse and go to Canada. When you arrive, you discover that you are now in The Amazing Canadian Adventures of Sven-Man: Arrival of the Pointless Master. Apparently, after being told he was awesome, Sven decided to give up villainy and become a hero, and now has his own adventure going on in Canada, and you've become the villain of his adventure somehow. You're pleased by how pointless it is to make you into a villain, since you aren't much of a threat to anybody.
>INVESTIGATE IGLOO
You plan to investigate an igloo. You don't see any, but there's plenty of snow, so you build one. You then investigate the igloo you built, because it's completely pointless to investigate something that you built just a few minutes ago. However, Sven-Man suddenly appears and thwarts your, um, "nefarious plan" to, uh, build an igloo? Well, he smashes the igloo before you can finish investigating it, thereby thwarting you. You thank him, because he just made all your efforts a waste of time. Sven-Man finds this confusing. He calls for his sidekick, the Czech Chicken, who appears, clucks and pecks at the ground. You think the Czech Chicken's tutu looks familiar.
>invent the greatest videogame console ever
While Sven-Man stands around confused and his sidekick goes more insane, you start constructing the greatest video game console ever, using only snow. The system you produce has the best specifications of anything on the market, and would be an instant best-seller as soon as somebody comes up with a format to program games in that it's compatible with, since it doesn't accept cartridges or discs of any known type.
>build several grestest videogame consoles ever
You make more identical video game consoles out of snow.
>build house out of several greatest videogame consoles ever, making sure it's unpowered
You build an oversized igloo with the snow consoles. You make sure the igloo receives no power, then you proceed to investigate it.
>swim across atlantic
Your investigations of the igloo you created reveals you built it in such a way that there is a river passing through it. Having no reason to believe this river hasn't already been discovered and named, you *do* believe it, and so you discover it. You name the river "the Atlantic" for no particular reason and swim across it. It is quite cold.
>dry atlantic
You attempt to dry the Atlantic River by blowing on it. You are unsuccessful, which pleases you.
>drink atlantic
You attempt to drink the Atlantic River. Your head gets frozen in it. It's cold up here. You somehow manage to extricate your head from it, but your head is now encased in an ice cube.
>walk draught Atlantic to Spain
You walk across the Atlantic Riverbed, which you incorrectly assume to be dry, and declare you are in Spain now. Although you're freezing and the ice cube around your head makes it hard for your declarations to be heard.
>find Kanzer
You attempt to find Kanzer. You have no idea who that is, but you decide it's less likely to be Sven-Man than the Czech Chicken. So you pointlessly decide that Sven-Man is Kanzer.
(Kanzer is yet another user posting commands here. Including this one.)
>talk to Kanzer
You attempt to talk to Sven-Man and say "Hi Kanzer!", but he can't hear you too well through the ice cube. Also, he's still very confused.
>achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss
You achieve eternal enlightenment and bliss. Your enlightenment reveals the knowledge of how to talk while your head is frozen in an ice cube. So, naturally, you ignore this knowledge entirely.
Part 11!
SpoilerShow
>beat head against Czech Chicken
You attempt to beat your head against the Czech Chicken, but he simply moves out of the way.
>beat head against igloo wall
You beat your head against the igloo wall, knocking out a crucial snow-console and causing the entire igloo to crash down around you.
>beat Czech Chicken against Sven-Man Kanzer
You sort through the pile of snow-consoles and find the Czech Chicken, dazed by the crash, and start beating him against Sven-Man/Kanzer/Whoever. The attack is ineffective, but it causes Sven-Man to snap out of his daze, pick you up, and toss you back to Pittsburgh, where it is warm enough that the ice-cube around your head melts into a pool of water. There is a broken watch in the pool of water.
>take watch
You take the watch.
>fix watch so it always shows the same time
The watch is digital, so setting it to always show the same time would require not just fixing it, but totally altering its programming. This exercise sounds quite pointless to you, so you do it! At the end of all your work, the watch's display reads "86:58" permanently. Or "85:98" if you look at it upside-down.
>wear watch upside-down
You wear the watch upside-down. The time reads 85:98.
>set alarm at 12:62 PM
You set the alarm to 12:62 PM while the watch is upside-down. It is actually set to 29:21, not that it matters, since the timer isn't moving.
>Try using reflexes to get exactly 10 seconds on the stopwatch
You attempt to stop the stopwatch at exactly 10 seconds, but due to your modifications the stopwatch time always reads "00:00:00". Of course, this doesn't stop you from attempting it anyway. Somehow, you succeed - you find that strange, since you were waiting only about one second instead of ten. The watch displays a message that you have now unlocked Space Invaders.
>Try again
You try again, since you can see no reason to do so after already succeeding. You succeed again and nothing happens.
>Try again
You try again and succeed once again. You're really good at this. You hope it's an utterly useless skill.
>Try again
You try yet again and still succeed. The Guinness committee appears out of nowhere (you didn't realize they were based in Pittsburgh) and says you have just broken the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds. They take a picture of you and give you a certificate, then walk away.
>Jump backward ten posts, and do whatever.
You place ten posts into the ground, then jump backwards across them and wind up back where you were before you started putting posts into the ground. You then "do whatever", which you decide means picking up all the posts.
>Become Robo-Andy
You decide you are now Robo-Andy. Then you realize that Robo-Andy probably isn't as pointless as Nopor Puss, so you decide to go back to being Nopor Puss again.
(Andy is an Advance Wars character.)
>crumpets wrong forum.
After somebody pointlessly interrupts your text adventure by posting an image (which Pac-Man summarily deleted), you somehow decide that you should take revenge for this action by throwing crumpets at the International Forum on Crumpet-Throwing. However, you get directions to the wrong building and throw the crumpets at the Mongolian Forum on Recapturing the Crazy Pointless Guy. This action of yours leads the forum to decide that yes, they should, so they do. You are now imprisoned in the Mongolian camp again, in the same cell with no door and a big hole in the floor which leads right outside the doorway.
(I'm a mod on the forum I originally posted this, so when somebody posted an image in the thread, I deleted it. He edited his post with the above line, with the "crumpets" coming from the board's censor. I treated as a command just for fun.)
>plant tree in hole
Looking at your inventory, you realize you have some walnuts, which could potentially grow into a tree if planted. Well, that's no good. You'll have to plant something else.
>Take a Pointful Avoidance instead of Pointless Adventure.
Anything with "Pointful" in the name immediately makes you hesitant. Of course, since it's pointless to ignore your hesitation, you decide to pointfully avoid something... and in this case, you pointfully avoid taking a Pointful Avoidance. Your Point Meter budges slightly, then decides to stay where it is. Apparently you've confused it.
>plant hole tree in hole
You plant the hole in your inventory in the hole. It grows into a hole tree almost immediately.
>use hole in hole tree
You take another hole from the hole tree, go inside the hole tree, and use the hole. This takes you back outside the hole tree.
>Cut down hole tree.
You find you are not carrying anything suitable for cutting down the hole tree, so you attempt to do it anyways. You fail, much to your delight.
>bury hole tree into hole
You bury the hole tree into the hole in the ground. It almost immediately grows into a tree that grows hole trees.
>add hole to inventory again
You dig up the original hole and put it back in your inventory. This has no effect on the tree that grows hole trees.
>do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it
You do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it. Actually, you can't really tell if you look like a dolphin while you do it. In fact, you have no reason to believe you actually do. So you do believe it!
>also
You decide to "also" do absolutely nothing in addition to your previous action. This is, of course, pointless to declare.
>win
You win a game of poker against yourself. Of course, you also lose, but that's what you get for cheating.
>yeah
You say "Yeah" for no apparent reason.
>money
You act like money. A Mongol sees you, falls for your act somehow, and reaches out to grab you, but he falls in the hole in front of your cell instead.
>slurp
You slurp very rudely, even though you have nothing to slurp. This draws the attention of more Mongols, who run in to tell you to stop, but they all fall into the hole.
>O_O
You attempt to make a shocked expression, but your face is still blank.
>dude
There is no dude ranch in the area. In fact, you do not know the locations of any dude ranches at all. So, of course, you attempt to go to one by walking into a random direction... straight into a wall. You are knocked unconscious. When you wake up, you are outside the cell.
>badASS
You do a poor impersonation of a donkey.
>bury hole tree tree into hole
The hole is back in the cell. Having escaped, there's no reason to return there, so you do. Of course, you pointlessly forgot about the hole in front of the door, so you fall down it. You are surrounded by Mongols now, and they do not seem to want to let you reach the tree or leave the hole.
>pick hole tree tree tree seeds
There is no hole tree tree tree to pick seeds from. So you pick some. Of course, once again your inventory doesn't recognize nonexistent things even if you do. You are still in a hole and surrounded by Mongols.
>become god
You become the God of Pointlessness. But wait, you already were, at least according to those natives! Well, that was pointless to do, then.
>kill mongols with bare hands
You ask if any of the Mongols have bare hands. It turns out they're all wearing gloves, so you don't kill any of them.
>hug tree
You jump out of the hole and hug the tree, much to the Mongols' surprise. They start attempting to jump out after you, without much success.
>eat vegetarian
You shout down the hole and ask if any of the Mongols are vegetarians. None of them are. So you eat an imaginary vegetarian instead. He doesn't taste very good.
>(re-)invent spork
You reinvent the spork. Specifically, you reinvent it to be a jetpack. Then you dismantle it and destroy all your blueprints so it will be pointlessly hard to do again.
>teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas
You teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas, which leads to a gift exchange. You leave your gift unopened, because it's pointless to do that. You are now carrying an unopened Christmas present. In return, you give the Mongols some ridiculously valuable jewels that you've been carrying around in an obvious place so they could be easily stolen by a pickpocket, and leave the Mongol Camp. Santa's sleigh lands in front of you, and Santa offers you a lift.
>Drink loads of alcohol till you pass out.
You decide to drink alcohol until you pass out. However, neither you nor Santa Claus has any alcohol, making this rather difficult... which only encourages you! You drink alcohol that isn't there until you pass out. You wake up in Santa's workshop with a present on your lap.
>create laptop.
Ignoring the perfectly good components in Santa's workshop, not to mention the already-functioning laptops he has lying around, you go outside and make a laptop out of snow.
>open internet browser of choice
You go back inside, find a laptop that isn't turned on, and pointlessly attempt to open the Internet browser of your choice on it.
>go to wwn
Using the browser on the turned-off laptop, you try to go to the Weekly World News website.
(WWN actually stands for "Wars World News", which is the site I posted this on. A friend of mine who doesn't go there said he keeps thinking of "Weekly World News" when he sees me use the abbreviation, so this joke is a reference to that.)
>create an account
You attempt to open a bank account with the Weekly World News over the internet, using a laptop that isn't turned on. Your pointless attempts at doing so somehow result in your starting an account on some message board called "Wars World News", and the computer being turned on.
>go to "The Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss!" and post "something"
You find a topic called "The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss" detailing your exploits in attempting to get the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity that was in the room you started in. You get ready to post the word "something". Pac-Man seems confused about what to do next, and just posts what he has so far while waiting for your post...
(Yes, we're getting meta now. It took me about two months to figure out a way to handle this part.)
>get confused
You understand everything you have done perfectly, so you get confused for no reason.
>something
You do something. The "something" you do is getting the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving all debts to yourself! You have won!
>wait until Dragon Fogel posts on said topic
Pac-Man has posted on the topic, but being confused, you mistake him for Dragon Fogel...
>edit previous post to read "don't do what you said I did"
You edit your previous post...
>don't do what you said I did
Instead of taking the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving your debt to yourself, you stop being confused. You have not won after all.
(I like to think of the earlier "win" as an actual ending, but Nopor Puss editing his post after-the-fact leads to the "True Ending". And yes, I registered Nopor Puss there just to do this gag.)
>Dance in place
You decide to dance in place. You realize that the laptop is on your head instead of your lap for no reason, so you put it on your lap and then start dancing in place. The laptop falls to the floor.
>Open dimensional rift
You can't find a dimensional rift to open. Good, then it's pointless to try! But wait, you haven't opened the present you woke up with. You decide to open it to check for a dimensional rift. Instead, you find a set of unsharpened pencil and a sharpener that doesn't work. You put them in your pocket, then attempt to open a nonexistent dimensional rift. You go through it to Pittsburgh, except since the rift doesn't actually exist, you're still in Santa's workshop but you think you're in Pittsburgh for no reason.
>lose
You challenge yourself to a game of poker, with the price of the bill for the temple at stake. You intentionally lose, since you have no reason to when the stakes are that high. Your debt to yourself is now either doubled or clear. You haven't worked out which yet.
>invent a new, dangerous, and mostly pointless, record, and achieve said record.
You decide to set the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds while hitting yourself very hard with a wooden board. You achieve a record of one attempt. However, you don't get a certificate for it. This pleases you, because it means it's an even more pointless record than you could have hoped.
>Try to invade the board.
You attempt to invade the wooden board you were hitting yourself with. The invasion fails, despite the lack of any opposing forces whatsoever. Thereby making the whole attempt pointless, which is precisely what you wanted!
>reinvent wheel
You reinvent the wheel, because there's no point in doing so. Specifically, you reinvent it as a needlessly dangerous paperweight. You put the reinvented wheel in your inventory, for no other reason than to weigh yourself down.
You attempt to beat your head against the Czech Chicken, but he simply moves out of the way.
>beat head against igloo wall
You beat your head against the igloo wall, knocking out a crucial snow-console and causing the entire igloo to crash down around you.
>beat Czech Chicken against Sven-Man Kanzer
You sort through the pile of snow-consoles and find the Czech Chicken, dazed by the crash, and start beating him against Sven-Man/Kanzer/Whoever. The attack is ineffective, but it causes Sven-Man to snap out of his daze, pick you up, and toss you back to Pittsburgh, where it is warm enough that the ice-cube around your head melts into a pool of water. There is a broken watch in the pool of water.
>take watch
You take the watch.
>fix watch so it always shows the same time
The watch is digital, so setting it to always show the same time would require not just fixing it, but totally altering its programming. This exercise sounds quite pointless to you, so you do it! At the end of all your work, the watch's display reads "86:58" permanently. Or "85:98" if you look at it upside-down.
>wear watch upside-down
You wear the watch upside-down. The time reads 85:98.
>set alarm at 12:62 PM
You set the alarm to 12:62 PM while the watch is upside-down. It is actually set to 29:21, not that it matters, since the timer isn't moving.
>Try using reflexes to get exactly 10 seconds on the stopwatch
You attempt to stop the stopwatch at exactly 10 seconds, but due to your modifications the stopwatch time always reads "00:00:00". Of course, this doesn't stop you from attempting it anyway. Somehow, you succeed - you find that strange, since you were waiting only about one second instead of ten. The watch displays a message that you have now unlocked Space Invaders.
>Try again
You try again, since you can see no reason to do so after already succeeding. You succeed again and nothing happens.
>Try again
You try again and succeed once again. You're really good at this. You hope it's an utterly useless skill.
>Try again
You try yet again and still succeed. The Guinness committee appears out of nowhere (you didn't realize they were based in Pittsburgh) and says you have just broken the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds. They take a picture of you and give you a certificate, then walk away.
>Jump backward ten posts, and do whatever.
You place ten posts into the ground, then jump backwards across them and wind up back where you were before you started putting posts into the ground. You then "do whatever", which you decide means picking up all the posts.
>Become Robo-Andy
You decide you are now Robo-Andy. Then you realize that Robo-Andy probably isn't as pointless as Nopor Puss, so you decide to go back to being Nopor Puss again.
(Andy is an Advance Wars character.)
>crumpets wrong forum.
After somebody pointlessly interrupts your text adventure by posting an image (which Pac-Man summarily deleted), you somehow decide that you should take revenge for this action by throwing crumpets at the International Forum on Crumpet-Throwing. However, you get directions to the wrong building and throw the crumpets at the Mongolian Forum on Recapturing the Crazy Pointless Guy. This action of yours leads the forum to decide that yes, they should, so they do. You are now imprisoned in the Mongolian camp again, in the same cell with no door and a big hole in the floor which leads right outside the doorway.
(I'm a mod on the forum I originally posted this, so when somebody posted an image in the thread, I deleted it. He edited his post with the above line, with the "crumpets" coming from the board's censor. I treated as a command just for fun.)
>plant tree in hole
Looking at your inventory, you realize you have some walnuts, which could potentially grow into a tree if planted. Well, that's no good. You'll have to plant something else.
>Take a Pointful Avoidance instead of Pointless Adventure.
Anything with "Pointful" in the name immediately makes you hesitant. Of course, since it's pointless to ignore your hesitation, you decide to pointfully avoid something... and in this case, you pointfully avoid taking a Pointful Avoidance. Your Point Meter budges slightly, then decides to stay where it is. Apparently you've confused it.
>plant hole tree in hole
You plant the hole in your inventory in the hole. It grows into a hole tree almost immediately.
>use hole in hole tree
You take another hole from the hole tree, go inside the hole tree, and use the hole. This takes you back outside the hole tree.
>Cut down hole tree.
You find you are not carrying anything suitable for cutting down the hole tree, so you attempt to do it anyways. You fail, much to your delight.
>bury hole tree into hole
You bury the hole tree into the hole in the ground. It almost immediately grows into a tree that grows hole trees.
>add hole to inventory again
You dig up the original hole and put it back in your inventory. This has no effect on the tree that grows hole trees.
>do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it
You do a sexy backflip and look like a dolphin while you're doing it. Actually, you can't really tell if you look like a dolphin while you do it. In fact, you have no reason to believe you actually do. So you do believe it!
>also
You decide to "also" do absolutely nothing in addition to your previous action. This is, of course, pointless to declare.
>win
You win a game of poker against yourself. Of course, you also lose, but that's what you get for cheating.
>yeah
You say "Yeah" for no apparent reason.
>money
You act like money. A Mongol sees you, falls for your act somehow, and reaches out to grab you, but he falls in the hole in front of your cell instead.
>slurp
You slurp very rudely, even though you have nothing to slurp. This draws the attention of more Mongols, who run in to tell you to stop, but they all fall into the hole.
>O_O
You attempt to make a shocked expression, but your face is still blank.
>dude
There is no dude ranch in the area. In fact, you do not know the locations of any dude ranches at all. So, of course, you attempt to go to one by walking into a random direction... straight into a wall. You are knocked unconscious. When you wake up, you are outside the cell.
>badASS
You do a poor impersonation of a donkey.
>bury hole tree tree into hole
The hole is back in the cell. Having escaped, there's no reason to return there, so you do. Of course, you pointlessly forgot about the hole in front of the door, so you fall down it. You are surrounded by Mongols now, and they do not seem to want to let you reach the tree or leave the hole.
>pick hole tree tree tree seeds
There is no hole tree tree tree to pick seeds from. So you pick some. Of course, once again your inventory doesn't recognize nonexistent things even if you do. You are still in a hole and surrounded by Mongols.
>become god
You become the God of Pointlessness. But wait, you already were, at least according to those natives! Well, that was pointless to do, then.
>kill mongols with bare hands
You ask if any of the Mongols have bare hands. It turns out they're all wearing gloves, so you don't kill any of them.
>hug tree
You jump out of the hole and hug the tree, much to the Mongols' surprise. They start attempting to jump out after you, without much success.
>eat vegetarian
You shout down the hole and ask if any of the Mongols are vegetarians. None of them are. So you eat an imaginary vegetarian instead. He doesn't taste very good.
>(re-)invent spork
You reinvent the spork. Specifically, you reinvent it to be a jetpack. Then you dismantle it and destroy all your blueprints so it will be pointlessly hard to do again.
>teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas
You teach the Mongols the true meaning of Christmas, which leads to a gift exchange. You leave your gift unopened, because it's pointless to do that. You are now carrying an unopened Christmas present. In return, you give the Mongols some ridiculously valuable jewels that you've been carrying around in an obvious place so they could be easily stolen by a pickpocket, and leave the Mongol Camp. Santa's sleigh lands in front of you, and Santa offers you a lift.
>Drink loads of alcohol till you pass out.
You decide to drink alcohol until you pass out. However, neither you nor Santa Claus has any alcohol, making this rather difficult... which only encourages you! You drink alcohol that isn't there until you pass out. You wake up in Santa's workshop with a present on your lap.
>create laptop.
Ignoring the perfectly good components in Santa's workshop, not to mention the already-functioning laptops he has lying around, you go outside and make a laptop out of snow.
>open internet browser of choice
You go back inside, find a laptop that isn't turned on, and pointlessly attempt to open the Internet browser of your choice on it.
>go to wwn
Using the browser on the turned-off laptop, you try to go to the Weekly World News website.
(WWN actually stands for "Wars World News", which is the site I posted this on. A friend of mine who doesn't go there said he keeps thinking of "Weekly World News" when he sees me use the abbreviation, so this joke is a reference to that.)
>create an account
You attempt to open a bank account with the Weekly World News over the internet, using a laptop that isn't turned on. Your pointless attempts at doing so somehow result in your starting an account on some message board called "Wars World News", and the computer being turned on.
>go to "The Pointless Adventure of Nopor Puss!" and post "something"
You find a topic called "The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss" detailing your exploits in attempting to get the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity that was in the room you started in. You get ready to post the word "something". Pac-Man seems confused about what to do next, and just posts what he has so far while waiting for your post...
(Yes, we're getting meta now. It took me about two months to figure out a way to handle this part.)
>get confused
You understand everything you have done perfectly, so you get confused for no reason.
>something
You do something. The "something" you do is getting the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving all debts to yourself! You have won!
>wait until Dragon Fogel posts on said topic
Pac-Man has posted on the topic, but being confused, you mistake him for Dragon Fogel...
>edit previous post to read "don't do what you said I did"
You edit your previous post...
>don't do what you said I did
Instead of taking the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity and forgiving your debt to yourself, you stop being confused. You have not won after all.
(I like to think of the earlier "win" as an actual ending, but Nopor Puss editing his post after-the-fact leads to the "True Ending". And yes, I registered Nopor Puss there just to do this gag.)
>Dance in place
You decide to dance in place. You realize that the laptop is on your head instead of your lap for no reason, so you put it on your lap and then start dancing in place. The laptop falls to the floor.
>Open dimensional rift
You can't find a dimensional rift to open. Good, then it's pointless to try! But wait, you haven't opened the present you woke up with. You decide to open it to check for a dimensional rift. Instead, you find a set of unsharpened pencil and a sharpener that doesn't work. You put them in your pocket, then attempt to open a nonexistent dimensional rift. You go through it to Pittsburgh, except since the rift doesn't actually exist, you're still in Santa's workshop but you think you're in Pittsburgh for no reason.
>lose
You challenge yourself to a game of poker, with the price of the bill for the temple at stake. You intentionally lose, since you have no reason to when the stakes are that high. Your debt to yourself is now either doubled or clear. You haven't worked out which yet.
>invent a new, dangerous, and mostly pointless, record, and achieve said record.
You decide to set the world record for successful consecutive attempts at stopping an upside-down stopwatch with digits that don't change at 10 seconds while hitting yourself very hard with a wooden board. You achieve a record of one attempt. However, you don't get a certificate for it. This pleases you, because it means it's an even more pointless record than you could have hoped.
>Try to invade the board.
You attempt to invade the wooden board you were hitting yourself with. The invasion fails, despite the lack of any opposing forces whatsoever. Thereby making the whole attempt pointless, which is precisely what you wanted!
>reinvent wheel
You reinvent the wheel, because there's no point in doing so. Specifically, you reinvent it as a needlessly dangerous paperweight. You put the reinvented wheel in your inventory, for no other reason than to weigh yourself down.
There's no reason for this | Or this | Death is inevitable | You can't challenge fate | The smallest change | I'm overwhelmed
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse
I'm serious | It makes perfect sense | Easy as ABC! | I can't even explain it | Cleaning up someone else's mess
I suck | I rule | I've got it made | Really, I'm serious | This bugs me | It's all lies | I want to believe | Beauty is a curse