The Pointless Adventures of Nopor Puss! (Text, done offsite)

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Part 5!

Show Content

Spoiler>Reply 200

You make 200 replies to the signature on your face and notify yourself of them all.

>weld lightbulb to mongols

You make it appear to the Mongols that you are wielding the lightbulb, but you actually aren't. I'm not sure how you're managing to do that.

(I misread this command.)

>take large hole in floor

You attempt to pick up the hole in the floor. Oddly enough, this works.

>brandish hole

You strike a dramatic pose, brandishing the hole.

>hit mongols with large hole

You hit the Mongols with the hole, knocking them out. However, somehow you did this without affecting the locked door to your cell at all.

>WELD lightbulb to mongols

You realize you pointlessly misinterpreted your own idea of "weld" as "wield" previously. You set about correcting this by welding the lightbulb to the Mongols on the other side of the door, using a blowtorch that you don't have. It isn't a very good welding job, really, but you *are* trying to be pointless here.

>Take cell door.

You take the cell door. Apparently, the Mongols don't use very secure hinges.

>Dig tunnel from inside cell to directly outside to escape. (Entirely pointless, as if you've taken the door, it's already opened!)

Now that you can just walk out of the cell, it's pointless to dig a tunnel to the outside, so you do. In fact, you dig it so that the other side of the tunnel is right outside the door. Amazingly, the Mongols are still unconscious. You must have hit them hard with that hole.

>Sneak stealthily around, pulling off improbable James Bond-esque moves as you go.

You stealthily sneak around the Mongol camp, taking the most unnecessarily convoluted route you can come up with and performing ridiculous moves to avoid being spotted by the Mongols. You finally make your way out. Surprisingly, they don't seem to have noticed that you're not in your cell, the door is missing, there's a tunnel from inside the cell to the outside, and the guards assigned to you are unconscious. Either that or they don't care.

>Alert remaining Mongols that you're escaping once you reach the exit. (After all, it's pointless to draw attention to yourself after all that trouble.)

At the exit of the camp, you yell "I've escaped!" at the top of your lungs, so all the effort you put into your pointlessly convoluted escape was useless. What a success! You wait around for them to catch you and lock you up again, to make it even more pointless, but they all run into the hole you dug earlier. Apparently, they don't have very good senses of direction.

>become offended at poor guard quality

You are offended at the poor quality of the guards, even though it works in your favor. You leave a harshly-worded note to whoever is in charge, and put it where no one will see it.

>backflip

You do a backflip. You have exited the Mongol camp.

>frontflip

You do a frontflip. You are back in the Mongol camp.

>fuse backflip and frontflip

You somehow manage to combine a backflip and a frontflip. You stay where you are.

>squeal like a fangirl

You squeal like a fangirl for no reason whatsoever.

>flee own shadow

You flee from your own shadow. It chases you down into the hole where all the Mongols fell. (Or more accurately, you let it chase you there.) They're too busy arguing with each other to notice you, though.

>fuseflip once again

You do a combined backflip and frontflip again. This gets the Mongols' attention. They applaud you, but don't seem to react as you'd expect to someone who escaped from their cell.

>pelvic thrust

You do pelvic thrusts. The Mongols are unimpressed and go back to fighting amongst themselves. You should have quit while you were ahead, but then, you very rarely do what you should.

>jump

You jump out of the hole. Soon after, it starts dawning on the Mongols that you look just like that guy they took prisoner and they start unsuccessfully attempting to follow you out. You'd help them, but you just spotted your shadow again, so you run.

>awesome

You are now awesome. You can't see any reason why you should suddenly become awesome, so this pleases you.

>Run slowly.

You run slowly. Your shadow runs slower, too. You think you may have discovered your crafty foe's weakness. You slowly run to the edge of the canyon you saw earlier, seeing no reason why it would help you escape from your shadow.

>Jumping Jacks.

You do jumping jacks on the edge of the canyon. However, the rock formation you are standing on isn't very stable. It wobbles, and falls, with you still on it. You are now plummeting to your doom.

>Transform into a camel.

You attempt to transform into a camel in midair. Since you possess no shapeshifting powers whatsoever, this is a pointless action, made even more so by the fact that you can see no way being a camel could help you at this point. You make various gestures that do nothing as far as you know, which by an amazing coincidence closely resembles the mating dance of the East Mongolian Flying Camel. One swoops by and picks you up, carrying you to its nest on the peak of a distant mountain. The flying camel seems to be romantically interested in you.

>become homoerotically aroused by shadow

You do so, but you don't stop wanting to flee from it. You make a pointlessly dangerous attempt to do so, but the flying camel seems uninterested in letting you leave.

>give camel handjob

You offer the flying camel a job as a hand. It doesn't seem to understand.

>laugh

You laugh at nothing in particular.

>cry

You cry about nothing in particular.

>laugh

You laugh at nothing in particular again.

>run

You run in place, so you expend energy without getting anywhere.

>Draw Masamune from pedestal.

You form various rocks into the shape of a pedestal, then take a sketchpad from out of nowhere and do a quick sketch of the Masamune using the crude pedestal as a model. You now have an extremely bad sketch of the Masamune.

>put camel in inventory

You put the camel in the inventory of the stall you own, which is pointless as you're not at the stall.

>condition camel to salivate when you clap your hands

You have no idea how to engineer a Pavlovian response in a camel, but that doesn't stop you from trying. It does stop you from succeeding, but that just makes the exercise even more pointless.

>clap your hands say yeah

You clap your hands and say "yeah". Oddly enough, despite the utter failure of your attempt at Pavlovian conditioning, the camel starts salivating.

>smite flying camel

You decide to smite the flying camel with wet sand. This mostly just confuses it.

>identify "flying camel" as "Nopor Puss' shadow"

You identify the flying camel as your shadow, and start running away. Confused by the sand, it takes longer to start flying, and you are able to get away, jumping recklessly off the mountain. You land safely on a ledge not far below, but the camel flies away, apparently not noticing your landing spot.

>grow wings

You take some seeds out of nowhere and plant them in the ground. For no reason, you expect them to eventually grow into wings.

>run around as in fire

Since you're not on fire, you have no reason to run around as if you're on fire. So you do.

>set self on fire

You run faster and faster, generating enough friction that you actually set yourself on fire.

>stay still

Since you're actually *on* fire now, you stop running around and stand still. An automated drone flies up to you, puts you out with a fire extinguisher, and picks you up, then carries you to a hospital for burn treatment. You have no idea who could have built an automated drone to put out fires near a flying camel's nest, but you also have no reason not to wonder about it, so you don't.

>add drone to inventory

The drone is very uncooperative and adds you to *its* inventory as you struggle with it.

>take scalpel

The drone's inventory also includes a scalpel. You take it. The drone seems confused, as it did not use the command "Combine Nopor Puss with scalpel".

>pretend to be a doctor, operate on several patients is if in Trauma Center

There are no other patients to operate on. Of course, that sort of problem hasn't stopped you before. You start operating on nonexistent patients while in the drone's inventory. This has no effect, as the drone is largely made of metal that is too sturdy for the scalpel to pierce through.

>draw pentacle on touch screen and invoke SEPULCHRITUDE

You find a touch screen on the drone and "draw" a pentacle on it with the scalpel. Before you can invoke anything, however, you cut through a wire behind the screen and get a nasty electric shock, which knocks you out. You did manage to short out the drone, however.

(Okay, I was wrong. There was another Problem Sleuth reference.)

(>NEXT)

You wake up in a padded cell. Your inventory has been confiscated. Apparently, whoever runs this hospital thinks you're insane. You can't think of what could possibly have given them that idea.

>down with the sickness

You start protesting against sickness. After all, nobody's going to see you in here, and you don't even have a protest sign to hold up.

>CO power

You use a CO power. It does nothing.

(This is a gameplay feature of the Advance Wars series. Basically, after your units take or deal enough damage, you can activate your chosen character's CO Power, which has various effects.)

>iron man

You iron a man who isn't there with an iron and ironing board you don't have.

>yoghourt

You act like yogurt. This has no effect, just as you'd hoped.

>stock

You stock up on oxygen molecules.

>act crumpets crazy

You start acting crazy and demand crumpets. A robot comes out of a panel in the ceiling and drops off a tray filled with them. Now that's service.

>eat crumpets like I've been starving for 3 days

You rapidly devour the crumpets, since you aren't really that hungry.

>chill

You make the room slightly colder. Or would, if you had anything you could do it with; instead, you just *act* like you did and shiver a bit. The robot reacts by throwing a blanket over you.

>listen to jazz

You listen to jazz music that isn't being played.

>Genuflect.

You genuflect, but it doesn't really show very clearly under the blanket. Well, that just makes it more pointless.

>do or die

You reflect on the question of whether to give yourself a hairdo or roll a die. On the one hand, you have hair, but no styling tools; on the other hand, you have no die. You choose the die in the end. You roll the die you don't have, and get a 1.

>Act crazy

You perform a play by yourself, switching between roles at a frantic pace. That's some crazy acting.

>Scream insults in pig-latin

You scream insults in Pig Latin. They're directed at you, but you can't understand a word you're saying.

>replace default mode of transportation "walk" with "roll in a ball"

You decide, for no reason, to roll in a ball instead of walking. You roll around your cell.

>Walk.

You roll around in a ball some more.

>Like an Egyptian...

You suddenly start liking a random Egyptian.

>we have to take our clothes off

You're having trouble taking the straitjacket off. Besides, it's pointless to keep it on, so you intend to do so.

>we have to party all night

You attempt to hold a party with the robot all night. It doesn't seem very cooperative.

>have a good time

You have a good time, since you can't seem to do anything effectively while wearing a straitjacket in a padded cell. Everything you do is much more pointless as a result.

>sleep

You fall asleep. When you wake up, you are on the outside of the padded cell. Looking through the barred window, you can see the robot is still in there, confused. You're still wearing the straitjacket.

Part 6!

Show Content

Spoiler>Impregnate Lanthanum Oxide with Chromium Oxide.

You attempt to impregnate lanthanum oxide with chromium oxide, while having neither and being in a straitjacket. Unsurprisingly, this doesn't work.

>act backwards

You act out the entirety of Hamlet, starting from the last line and working your way back to the first. Somehow, you have time to do this without anybody arriving and noticing that you've left your padded cell.

>barrel roll

You roll a barrel that isn't there.

>ask "why, God?" out loud

You ask "Why, God?" and receive no answer. This is enough to satisfy you.

>download 300 anime series

You attempt to download 300 anime series without a computer or Internet connection and while wearing a straitjacket.

>delete anime folder

You delete the folder of downloaded anime on the computer you don't have, making all the time you spent not doing the above entirely pointless. Although, if you were using a real computer, it probably would have been more pointless to keep the folder and not watch anything in it, so as to pointlessly waste disk space.

>move around pointlessly

You use pointlessly difficult methods of locomotion to go to various locations that you have no reason to go to.

>act reckless beyond any limits

You act as recklessly as you can while wearing a straitjacket in an unfamiliar hallway - which is, pretty much, to charge wildly in one direction and run headfirst into a wall. You do this and get knocked out again.

(>NEXT)

When you come to, you are strapped to a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist is making notes; he looks at you expectantly. Apparently he's waiting for you to say something.

>sing a song that never ends

You sing the words "a song that never ends".

>sing "I feel Pretty"

You sing the words "I feel pretty".

>sing "Momma Mia"

(I missed this command.)

>mutter demonic curses

You mutter demonic curses. At least, you *think* they are. You just made them up, after all.

>look around

You look around, you see nothing that would be out of place in a psychiatrist's office.

>walk around the edge of the room

With great effort, you stand up, still strapped to the couch, and walk around the edges of the room. The psychiatrist seems rather surprised by this.

>replace default mode of transportation "walk" with "roll in a ball" again

You suddenly remember that you're supposed to be rolling in a ball in place of walking. All these blows to the head must be messing with your memory. Or maybe it's Pac-Man's fault. In any case, you start rolling while still strapped to the couch. This knocks over a bookshelf, revealing a secret passage, though it's too small for you to fit in with a couch strapped to you. The psychiatrist is furious at the mess you've made.

>move around the edges of the room again

Now you move around the edges of the room by hopping up and down on one foot. Or at least, as best as you can manage with a couch strapped to you. The resulting vibrations cause a ceiling fixture to come loose and fall down on the psychiatrist, knocking him out.

>ask the psychiatrist if he was sexually abused as a small child

It's very pointless to ask questions to somebody who's unconscious, so you do.

>take psychiatrist

You are in a straitjacket and strapped to a couch. This makes it very difficult to put anything in your inventory, much less a person, even if they are unconscious and unable to struggle. You attempt it anyways. Unfortunately, the end result is that the psychiatrist is in the straitjacket and strapped to the couch, and you are free. You expect that your Point Meter should rise by 2, but then you realize that it was in your confiscated inventory. You make a note to yourself to raise it by 3 when you get it back.

>roll into secret passage

You roll into the secret passage. After all, you have no idea where it leads, and so there's no reason to rush right into whatever potential dangers it holds.

>shout "That's how I roll, bitch." to the psychiatrist as you roll away

You taunt the unconscious, bound psychiatrist as you roll away. This also means you aren't looking where you're going, so you don't notice the stairway leading down as you roll towards it. Sometime later, after a needlessly painful descent, you come to the bottom of the stairs. There are two doors in front of you. One says "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on the sign. The other says "SAFE ROUTE."

>take sign

You take the "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" sign.

>attach sign on safe route door

You put the "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" sign over the "SAFE ROUTE" sign.

>enter killer octopus door

You go through the door with "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on it. After all, what possible reason could you have for going through a door with "DANGER: KILLER OCTOPUS" on it? However, you do not come across any octopi, killer or otherwise, much to your disappointment. You do, however, emerge in a small room with a bag marked "Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items".

>Take Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items

You take the bag. Although it contains everything you had in your inventory before being locked in a padded cell, you don't open it, because you have no reason not to.

>Use Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items

You hit yourself on the head with the bag, knocking yourself out.

(>NEXT)

When you come to, you are outside the hospital. You can see the temple off in the distance; it seems this hospital is on the other side of the canyon. You also see a swamp in that direction. Beyond the swamp is a large, imposing castle.

>move swamp to castle

You pick up bits of swamp muck and throw them into the castle.

>move castle to swamp

You painstakingly pick up the bits of swamp muck you threw into the castle, throw them back where they were, disassemble the castle piece by piece, and reassemble it in the swamp.

>inventory

You are carrying: a bag with "Crazy Pointless Guy's Confiscated Items" written on it. You haven't opened it yet, because the items in the bag are even more useless if you don't actually open it. You then remember that you haven't updated your Point Meter, and it's counterproductive for you to do so. You open the bag and find wet sand, a reason (which looks a lot like a horseshoe), a Point Meter, a hole in the ground, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune, and some oxygen molecules. You add 4 points to the Point Meter, since it's pointless to add more than you already had.

(I forgot the pieces of wood in this listing. I didn't realize this until much later.)

>roll to temple

Your attempt to roll directly to the temple is impeded by bandits. Very scrawny and incompetent bandits. There's no reason to avoid them, really, so you do.

>roll castle around

You unsuccessfully attempt to roll the castle in the swamp muck.

>rock and roll

You pretend to be a rock, and start rolling. This takes you towards the bandits. They mistake you for a large boulder, and run away.

(These last four commands were in the same post, which got double-posted. So I did them all again!)

>inventory

You are carrying a bag, wet sand, a reason (which looks like a horseshoe), a Point Meter, a hole in the ground, a cell door, a bad sketch of the Masamune, and some oxygen molecules.

>roll to temple

Although the bandits are no longer there, beyond them is the Valley of Perfectly Safe Things. You have no reason to avoid going there, so you don't.

>roll castle around

You unsuccessfully attempt to roll the castle in the swamp muck again.

>rock and roll

Since there's no reason for you to interpret this command differently a second time, you do. You start acting like a rock star for no reason.

>california roll

You can't find California. You roll it anyways.

>push up the ante

You bet yourself $50,000 that you can't find the Inflatable Amulet, then you up the ante to $75,000. Along with the bill you've given yourself for the temple, you have heavy financial incentives to find it, and to prevent yourself from finding it. Or you would, if not for the fact that you get the money either way. But since there's no reason to ignore that fact, you do.

>Push down the uncle.

You push your nonexistent uncle down to the ground. After all, he's never done anything to hurt you.

>Enter castle.

You enter the castle in the swamp. It's filled with swamp muck, not surprisingly.

>Get ye flask.

You can get ye flask. It is not bolted to ye shelf which is not strongly bolted to ye wall, which is coming loose from ye castle (which, after all, you disassembled and reassembled). In short, it is not pointless to even try, so you don't.

>remember everything and all

You somehow remember everything that has ever happened in the universe. You then immediately forget all of the information that could be of any possible use to you.

>look for grue

You unsuccessfully try to find a grue again.

>pray x0_000

You pray to x0_000, but receive no answer. Just as you'd hoped!

>exit castle in panic

You exit the castle in a pointless panic. You are now knee-deep in swamp muck.

>Get ye flask.

It is not pointless enough to get ye flask yet.

>Dump contents out into swamp.

You go into ye castle, get ye flask, go out and dump ye contents of ye flask into ye swamp, then put ye flask back. Ye swamp is now making ye strange bubbling noises outside.

>Put sketch of Masamune into ye now empty flask.

You put ye sketch into ye now empty flask.

>Throw ye flask in the ocean.

You cannot find ye ocean to throw ye flask into. You take ye flask so you can throw it into ye first ocean you see, in case it is not pointlessly complicated enough to make it back to ye castle when you find ye ocean.

>tranform swamp into ocean

You go outside and plan to transform the swamp into an ocean. You have no idea how to do that, but it's not like that ever stops you. However, when you go outside, you discover that whatever was in the flask has created a ferocious swamp monster. It looks at you hungrily.

>transformer

You build an electric transformer out of swamp muck. Like most things you build, it doesn't function very well, but it seems to confuse the swamp monster. It tries to eat the transformer, but gets inexplicably electrified.

>Die then reincarnate as the world's most powerful ruler.

You roll a die, getting a 3. This does not cause you to reincarnate as the world's most powerful ruler, but you think it does, because you have no reason to.

>2d6

You roll 2d6. You get a 9. This has no meaning whatsoever, just as you hoped.

>Wear halloween costume

You put on a Nopor Puss costume for Halloween.

>go trick-or-treating

You go trick-or-treating at the hospital. A confused robot hands you a tranquilizer needle. No other place you visit gives you any results.

>use tranquilizer needle on self

You use the tranquilizer needle on yourself. You fall unconscious, and wake up back near the temple's original position. It will be pointlessly difficult to make your way back... so you do, just to put ye flask back in ye castle. Then you make a pointlessly difficult journey back, *then* another pointlessly difficult journey back to ye castle to get ye flask, and finally one last pointlessly difficult journey back. You throw ye flask into ye ocean.

>pretend it's a hallucinogen

You pretend that the tranquilizer was a hallucinogen, and start to actually hallucinate because there's no reason why you should.

>go into imagination land

You go into imagination land, which looks remarkably like a nation ruled by a fascist dictatorship. You think this is just a coincidence, because you have no reason to.

>you say party

You imagine Pac-Man saying "Party".

>we say die

You grab a random passerby, and tell him to say "Die". You say it at the same time he does.

>Call Pac-Man "Dragon"

You call Pac-Man "Dragon". He comes after you wielding a large fish.

>flee Pac-Man

You run away from Pac-Man, towards the edge of a cliff. You conclude that jumping off a cliff is more likely to be dangerous than being hit with a fish, so you jump. You land back near the hospital somehow, although you're still hallucinating, so you view it as being a giant killer octopus.

Part 7!

Show Content

Spoiler>tell Pac-Man that the giant killer octopus just called him "Dragon"

You tell Pac-Man that the giant killer octopus called him "Dragon". However, Pac-Man isn't there, so this has no effect.

>drag on

You write the word "ON" on the ground and make a pointless attempt to drag it.

>scare the hell out of everybody in sight

The only being in sight is the giant killer octopus. You attempt to scare it by facing it and shouting "Boo!" This doesn't work very well.

>burn, baby, burn

You burn an imaginary baby that you aren't even hallucinating.

>run away from hospital

You run away from the hospital/octopus.

>enter hospital

You enter the giant killer octopus' mouth.

>donate some blood

You cut yourself and leave the blood behind, telling the hospital staff they can have it.

>exit hospital

You leave the giant killer octopus' mouth.

>travel around the whole planet to get to the swamp in the other direction

You walk the long way around the world to get to the swamp, leaving a trail of blood behind you. The cut heals, coincidentally, right as you reach the swamp. Amazingly, despite the fact that you pointlessly left it exposed the whole time, it didn't get infect. (sic)

>drink swamp

You drink the swamp muck and pass out. You wake up in front of the temple.

>enter temple

You enter what is left of the first floor of the temple.

>stand in awe

You stand in awe of a patch of dirt at your feet for no reason at all.

>laugh histerically

You laugh hysterically over nothing.

>gloat

You gloat for no particular reason.

>declare war

You declare war on yourself. You lose.

>conquer the earth

You conquer the patch of dirt, or earth, at your feet.

>gloat some more

You gloat some more. You still don't have a particular reason for gloating.

>Sculpt a statue of your likeness.

You sculpt a statue of your likeness out of the earth you've conquered. It's much worse than your sand sculptures, but that's only because you have no reason not to do a better job.

>Worship the statue.

You begin worshipping the dirt statue of yourself. You get nothing in return, just as you hoped.

>burn down statue with water

You plan to set the statue on fire by dumping water on it. You recall that there is plenty of water in the room with the amulet, and that it would be pointlessly dangerous to open the door and let it out, so you go and do that. The water washes through the temple, and washes the statue away.

>take inflatable amulet of pomposity

You take the amulet, planning to double-cross yourself and run away with it. Or possibly to keep it away from yourself so that you have to pay yourself the money. Or both. You have quite a few pointless motivations for taking it, but you also know that you can't let yourself have it. This is a pointless excuse for claiming that you haven't met the win condition, which is good enough for you.

>set inflatable amulet of pomposity on fire

You set the amulet on fire. You now have the Flaming Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity.

>hug Flaming Inflatable Amulet Of Pomposity

You hug the flaming amulet. You are now on fire.

>wait until it asplodes

You wait for the amulet to explode. This does not seem to be happening any time soon.

>YOU MUST WHIP IT

You demand that Pac-Man whip the amulet. Pac-Man does not respond to your demand, possibly because he is not here.

>Go on a quest to find the best girlfriend ever.

You pointlessly abandon your current quest and attempt to find the best girlfriend ever. You do. You then pointlessly make an archenemy, solely so you can lose her to him. You then proceed to do just that.

>Make a fake amulet then sell it on ebay as the real thing.

You make a fake amulet... rather pointlessly, out of the real one. You put out the fire and then re-craft the amulet so it looks just like itself. You sell it on eBay... and the winning bidder is you, after a fierce bidding war between you, you, you and you.

>End world hunger.

After many days of work, you come up with a foolproof plan to end world hunger. Of course, it's pointless to keep it to yourself...

>Debut in American Politics.

You announce your intention to run for President of the United States in 2008. Of course, a) there's nobody to announce this to, and b) you're a little late. Perfect!

>Give up all your worldly goods.

You attempt to give up all your worldly goods, but it turns out they're so thoroughly useless that nobody else wants them.

>baritone

You sing beautifully as a baritone, but there's nobody around to hear you.

>trombone

You play a trombone that isn't there.

>femur

You use your femur to play the nonexistent trombone, just to make it pointlessly difficult.

>Tronn Bonne

You do your Tronn Bonne impersonation, which like most of your impersonations, does not actually relate to doing anything the impersonated individual or creature actually does. Instead, your Tronn Bonne impersonation involves closing your eyes, turning around, and throwing the Inflatable Amulet of Pomposity in a random direction.

(Tronn Bonne is another poster on the forum. He didn't post in this topic at all, though.)

>insult x0 for combo-breaker speed

You insult x0. Having angered him, your previous prayers to him are no longer operative. Of course, they had no effect anyways.

(x0 posted "femur".)

>freak out

You freak out over absolutely nothing. Well, you *could* freak out over throwing the amulet away, but it's more pointless to freak out over nothing.

>go psycho

You go psycho over absolutely nothing. See previous reasoning (or lack thereof).

>Run around frantically, searching for the amulet.

You run around frantically, searching for the amulet. It turns out you didn't throw it very far; it hit a wall. You continue to run around frantically after you find it, of course.

>Find the amulet and hold it up triumphantly, while humming the Zelda item fanfare.

You pick up the amulet and hold it up triumphantly while humming the Zelda fanfare.

>Perform previous "impersonation" again =P

You impersonate Tronn Bonne again, and throw the amulet in a random direction. Pointlessly, it falls in exactly the same place.

>Repeat entire previous sequence again three times. =P

You pointlessly interpret "previous sequence" as broadly as possible, and repeat every command that has been given in the entire game, in the same order. You do this three times. At the end of all this, you find yourself on the moon, wearing a tutu, holding a lit stick of dynamite, and surrounded by killer tortoises. Neither the amulet nor the temple, or in fact the *planet*, are anywhere to be seen.

>Train the tortoises

You train the tortoises to viciously attack you. However, you don't train them to stay away from sticks of dynamite, so the first one that attacks just grabs the dynamite. The resulting explosion scares the rest of them away.

>Eat the tortoises

You're too hungry to eat anything right now, although the fact that the only tortoise nearby has been blown up convinces you to eat some non-existent tortoises. You feel full now.

>realise that humans can't breath on the moon

You realize that humans can't breathe on the moon. However, this isn't technically Earth's moon, (wondering why Mongols and the Czech Republic showed up on a planet that wasn't Earth doesn't really occur to you) and you're not technically human, so there's no reason why this should be a problem. Which means you start to gasp for air.

Part 8!

Show Content

Spoiler>bark at the moon

You bark at the moon, despite your self-induced suffocation.

>get barked at by moon

You get barked at by the moon, or at least that's what you think.

>compose the best song ever

You compose the best song ever in history, then pointlessly decide never to play it.

>Command every suicidal person in the world to live.

You command every suicidal person in the world to live. Of course, they can't hear you on the moon. On the other hand, since your suffocation is entirely of your own making, (after all, if there was no oxygen here, how could the dynamite stay lit?) you could technically be considered suicidal, and so you obey your own command and stop suffocating. Your Point Meter goes up by 1.

>explore

You explore. After a great deal of effort, you find the moon.

>draw map of moon

You make a crude map of the moon. This consists of drawing a crude picture of the moon and an arrow that says "I AM HERE".

>philosophise

You think, therefore you aren't, having no reason to come to this conclusion. You stop existing. Then you stop thinking. This means there's no reason to believe that you exist, so you exist again.

>exits

Exits are invisible planet, south.

>south.

You go south. You are in Pittsburgh. Most people would be curious as to how it is that Pittsburgh is south of the moon (especially the moon of an entirely different planet), but not you.

>explode.

You explode with anger over nothing at all. Nobody seems to notice.

>Become an All-American Hero

You attempt to become an All-American Hero by thwarting the supervillain attacking Pittsburgh. However, it turns out that pointlessness isn't really a match for super-strength. He throws you all the way to the moon, which is to say, north.

>moonwalk back into Pittsburgh

You moonwalk south, returning to Pittsburgh.

>Pittsburghwalk back to the moon

You Pittsburghwalk north (not that you know what that is, but that never stops you), returning to the moon.

>Mars, the Bringer of War

Mars is not a valid exit from your current location, so of course you attempt to go there anyways. You fail and wind up back where you were.

>Jupiter, the Bringer of Jollity.

Jupiter is not a valid exit from your current location, so of course you attempt to go there anyways. You fail and wind up in Pittsburgh.

>go to moon

You go north to the moon.

>cause moonquake

You attempt to cause a moonquake by grabbing the ground with your hands and shaking it. This doesn't seem very effective, though you hear a loud noise in the direction of Pittsburgh.

>aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

You scream for no apparent reason.

>revive friend from the dead and give her a big hug

You can't recall making any friends ever - it seems pointlessness doesn't help you win people over. So you don't have any dead friends to revive... which, naturally, doesn't stop you from making the attempt, especially as you have no means of revival anyways. With the methods you don't have, you revive a friend who doesn't exist and give her a big hug.

>moonroll to invisible planet

You roll to the invisible planet. You land near... well, you can't tell. Somehow the entire planet has been made invisible.

>magnificient fist shaking

You shake your fist for no reason.

>grab everything

You grab everything in sight... which, since it's all invisible, is nothing.

>Get the smartest person ever to finish all of your schoolwork until PhD year without getting caught doing so.

You attempt to persuade the smartest person in the world to do all the work involved in getting you a PhD in pointlessness, but you can't see anyone to ask.

>Convince all the suicidal people in the world to live and to improve their lives, then help depressed people everywhere improve their lives.

You send a message to every suicidal person in the world describing all the pointless things you do, in order to convince them that their lives can't possibly be as pointless as yours, and you're still alive. Your antics bring hope to all the depressed people of the world (although you can't see them), so there are no more depressed people whose lives you can improve. So that's what you do.

>make a point in an argument

You start an argument with yourself, and make a point in it. Your Point Meter reacts momentarily, but decides your point is actually pointless and stays where it is.

>Breakdance.

You breakdance, having no reason to do so. While dancing around the invisible landscape, you stumble on something and break it. The planet becomes visible again. You must have broken the planet's invisibility switch.

>Circumnavigate the planet.

You circumnavigate the planet. Your explorations reveal that this is, in fact, a different planet than the one you left the temple and the amulet on. You decide to continue your quest for the amulet here, because there's no way you'll find it.

>claim planet of my property

You claim this planet in your own name. You have no interest in ruling a planet, after all.

>find natives

You find the planet's natives. It seems they were constantly bumping into the invisible landscape, and couldn't even see each other. They welcome you as a hero for shutting off the invisibility switch.

>tell them to go nuts

The natives are confused by your request. In the end, they decide to bring you a handful of walnuts. You put them in your pocket.

>Eat chocolate.

You eat chocolate that isn't there. This is especially pointless because there's already chocolate right next to you.

>Build a teleporter

You build a teleporter out of wood, leaves, bark, dirt, stones, grass, dead insects, and the perfectly functioning teleporter that the planet's natives built just before the planetary invisibility device. It doesn't function so perfectly now that you've shoved leaves and dirt in its circuitry, of course.

>Go back to Earth

You've never been to Earth, so you can't go "back" there. On the other hand, you're currently being treated as a hero (they apparently don't care what you've done to their teleporter), and you have no idea what sort of unpleasant things could be on this "Earth" place, so it's pointless to go there, especially with the potential dangers you've introduced into the teleporter. You set the teleporter to Earth and step inside. After a lot of smoke and sparks fly out of the machine, you wind up being teleported back to the original site of the temple.

>Make amazing music

You make amazing music, which nobody is around to hear. You also forget it and don't write it down.

>Convince all the anime companies in all countries to allow all SRW games to be translated

It turns out there aren't any anime companies on this planet, so this task is very trivial. This also means you go to great lengths to achieve it. For one thing, you start up several anime companies, then start a company to make Super Robot Wars, then implement copyright laws in several countries (you even *found* a few extra countries to be sure) to make it difficult to release Super Robot Wars, then cut all ties with all involved companies and governments and then try to get them to listen to you. Eventually, they do, and after all that work, you can buy Super Robot Wars games in every game store on the planet. Too bad you bought every game store franchise and closed them down for no reason.

>Make a perfect, invincible, perfectly obedient, perfectly practical translator robot in one day who can simulate fitting voice acting perfectly in all languages

You create the robot. You think it would make a lovely paperweight, especially as you don't have any paper.

>Have the robot translate all SRW games into all languages perfectly in a span of a week

Since the game companies already translated the games (actually, they didn't need to, since this planet only has one language and even primitive tribes with no contact with civilization speak it perfectly), it's pointless to have your robot do it, so you do. It then runs afoul of virtually every copyright regulation you put in place just to make things pointlessly difficult for yourself. The robot is prosecuted in every nation. You get off scot free, despite your efforts to get the robot to implicate you.

>Become awesome at everything

You train to become awesome at absolutely everything. You then apply all the awesomeness solely into doing pointless things.

>wall of text

You go to the nearby wall made entirely out of textbooks.

>Get a PhD

You look for a PhD under the wall of textbooks. You don't find it, but your search collapses the wall.

>beat head against brick wall

There isn't a brick wall here, only a wall of textbooks. So you build a brick wall out of nonexistent bricks, then hit your head against it until it collapses.

>rebuild brick wall

You rebuild the nonexistent brick wall.

>become

You become Nopor Puss wearing a tutu. Which you already were.

>Equip cardboard box.

You hide under a non-existent cardboard box.

>sneak oil rig

You sneak onto a non-existent oil rig. A non-existent guard sees right through your non-existent box, and you are thrown into a non-existent cell.

I think I'll have the rest posted later today.