[Text] YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE: THE RPG: THE ADVENTURE

You are a WORLD-RENOWNED CRIMINAL.

Presently, you are standing on the side of a highway; a smouldering city collapses in the distance. As you peer past the trees and look on at the burning high-rises that dot the horizon, you fondly recall the mission you just finished a few seconds ago. In a hair-raising, exciting adventure which will remain left to your imagination, you managed to steal a legendary artifact necklace and burn down an entire city.

The police in the region absolutely hate you, as this isn't the first time you pulled off some insane, flashy show of lawbreaking behavior and thievery. All those trophies of heists unknown are kept safely in your basement safe.

As you are waiting, you get a phone call. You answer it. On the other end is one of your cohorts in crime.

She has just informed you that your house is on fire.

What do?

>Call 911.

See if the artifact necklace has an undo button.

Well yeah, it was in the city you just burned, wasn't it? It's not like you weren't expecting that.

Or is this a codephrase, dammit, where the hell do you keep your codebook? Oh goddammit, it's back in the house isn't it.

>Call 911.

You can't call 911, you're in the middle of a call with your friend! Besides, it would be very rude to hang up on her, wouldn't you agree? A conference call is out of the question, too - the last time you and her were alone with a stranger... well, we don't talk about that night in the bathroom of the local burger joint.

See if the artifact necklace has an undo button.

You depress a button-like construct on the necklace, but it appears to not be functioning. The button's probably purely aesthetical and serves no purpose, like other non-functioning aspects of exotic ancient artifacts.

Well yeah, it was in the city you just burned, wasn't it? It's not like you weren't expecting that.

Or is this a codephrase, dammit, where the hell do you keep your codebook? Oh goddammit, it's back in the house isn't it.

Your house is located on a scenic cliffside villa. You would never stoop so low as to rent out a proletariat apartment in the city. You're a rich thief, you're way above that.

If it's an encoded phrase, you don't remember what it means. You've given up any kind of cryptography after that surprise message turned out to be a reminder to drink your Ovaltine.

Your heart still burns with fury when you think about that evening. Thankfully, that evening did not involve any burger joint shenanigans.

Well, in that case ask her if she knows how the fire started.

Hopefully that's not a code phrase for something you don't actually want her to do.

Find a phonebox and call 999 and get the fire brigade over there pronto!

Find a phonebox and call 0118 999 881 999 119 725 3 and get the fire brigade over there pronto!

Alternately send an email.

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Spoiler

Well, in that case ask her if she knows how the fire started.

Hopefully that's not a code phrase for something you don't actually want her to do.

You promptly inquire. She produces no direct response. Something about arson? Nah, can't be. Who would want to burn your house down (aside from the Chief of Police)?

Find a phonebox and call 999 and get the fire brigade over there pronto!

You run across the highway to the nearest phone booth. Dialing 999 fails to produce any kind of response. It appears this country works on the 911 system!

Alternately send an email.

You open your smartphone's e-mail application.

Code:

To: firedepartment@city.gov

I need help!!!! house on fire!!!!! arson!!!! what do!!!!

You hit the 'Send' button, confident help will arrive soon.

Nailed it.

Problem solved. Time to kick back and relax.

>Cellphone wireless: shit out.

the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. we don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn. burn motherfucker...

burn

Ask if she, in fact, burned your house and is now gloating in your face about winning the house-burning competition you never knew existed between you two

You know...the phone was probably produced and/or operated by a company in that city, the missions not really over till it's on fire too.

Following this train of logic, you promptly light the phone on fire, too. It's a Nokia, however, and has amazing resistance to destruction. You are now holding a very hot and slowly melting phone in your hand. Your arm is slowly catching fire.

Your house is on fire, and you are on fire.

Problem solved. Time to kick back and relax.

You relax, knowing all is okay. You and your home are on fire, but it's okay. That email will send itself soon enough...

>Cellphone wireless: shit out.

The cellular network collapses momentarily. Your email's transmission is interrupted. Across the flaming screen, an error message reading "Sending failed" appears. The phone call with your friend is dropped.

Now she'll think you're rude.

the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. we don't need no water, let the motherfucker burn. burn motherfucker...

burn

Ask if she, in fact, burned your house and is now gloating in your face about winning the house-burning competition you never knew existed between you two

Attempts to contemplate the state of things being on fire doesn't work, as you are too on fire to think about things being on fire other than yourself.

A firetruck begins to approach you, its noisy horn growing steadily louder. It doesn't appear to be slowing down, despite the fact that you are on fire.

What do?

jump in front of it. it won't be able to ignore you then.

Set it on fire

set the fire on your arm on fire

Spin around really fast while waving your arms, to make sure you get their attention.

jump in front of it. it won't be able to ignore you then.

You leap in front of the moving firetruck. The driver of the moving vehicle begins to loudly honk his horn. It seems they've acknowledged your existence, but they refuse to slow down.

The firetruck hits you head on, and you stick to the grill of the vehicle's front. You climb aboard, still on fire and holding your phone. You wave to the friendly firemen. Why are they screaming?

Set it on fire

You flail your arms wildly, managing to make the hood ornament of the fire truck catch on fire. The rest of it seems oddly fireproof. Anything's a good start, however.

set the fire on your arm on fire

The fire you ignite on the fire on your arm quickly burns the fire away. Totally ignoring any known laws of physics or laws of firebending, the fire is snuffed out.

Your arm is promptly re-ignited by the embers shooting from the rest of your body. You start to feel a slight tingle from the burn, and you are now profusely sweating. Open a window, it's hot in here.

As the conqueror of the city you are now the CEO of the city, this is how business works. Bill gates? he just killed the previous CEO and set the HQ on fire. Same with most of them.

Fire them.

You quickly light the nearest fireman on fire.

You don't think that's what the command meant, but oh well. He is screaming, too. Everyone is screaming.

Your house, you, and this fireman are all on fire.

Spin around really fast while waving your arms, to make sure you get their attention.

By doing this, you quickly become a molten Beyblade. Streams of fire are ejected from your blazing aura, sending the rest of the firemen atop the firetruck running. One particularly large chunk of flaming debris lands on the windshield, and the fire and smoke obscure the driver's vision.

The firetruck is now wildly donuting out of control down the highway, drifting towards a rocky mountain face that lines the interstate. A small cave entrance is visible.

It's pretty obvious what to do at this point.

Set the cave entrance on fire.

Clearly, someone raised the oxygen levels in this domed city too high, which is why everything's so flammable and you're acting off your fucking tree.

Seriously, go open a window.

Is the fire painful at all.

It's pretty obvious what to do at this point.

Set the cave entrance on fire.

You leap from the firetruck as it spins wildly, falling through the cavern entrance in your flight. Rolling around on the rocky, dirt floor, the flames encasing you are extinguished. Stop, drop, and roll.

The firetruck soon attempts to follow you through. It crashes and plugs the entrance shut.

You are no longer on fire, but your house is still on fire.

Clearly, someone raised the oxygen levels in this domed city too high, which is why everything's so flammable and you're acting off your fucking tree.

Seriously, go open a window.

You open the passenger-side window of the crashed firetruck. A small air vent to the currently burning outside world is created. The scent of lilacs and charcoal fills your nostrils.

Is the fire painful at all.

The fire hurt, but not as much as these third-degree burns or scrapes.

This is all too much fire, this could get dangerously unstable. But hey, you what is stable? Caves.

Set the fire on cave.

You currently lack a means of lighting the cave of fire.

Which is a shame, it's really dark. You could use the light right about now.

set the darkness on fire

pray