Text Adventure Fighting Tournament!

You let out a little laugh. What are you afraid of? Fighting the law is what you do every day. You follow the cop into the gun shop and get ready to do what you do best, which is crime.

As the cop is distracted by checking out weapons, you think of the best crime to commit... oh, it's so obvious. Arson. You just need to light this place on fire... and hey, you have some fire right here. On your arm and your cell phone.

It suddenly occurs to you that maybe you want to do something about your arm being on fire. It suddenly occurs to you after you've already got the store going up in flames. While you're still inside it.

Maybe this wasn't your best idea.

---

I smelled something burning, so I looked up to see what it was. Turned out, it was pretty much everything.

The crook I was after was running around setting the whole store on fire. This was almost certainly a violation of Council fire safety regulations. Normally, lethal force isn't authorized in response to such violations, but authorization didn't matter out here.

And I had plenty of lethal force around me. I picked up the nearest weapon, aimed it at him, and pulled the trigger.

But I wasn't ready for what happened next.

What happened next?

It was an illegal potato launcher, and when launched in the heat it became baked potatos.

It was a Fallout mini nuke!

I hadn't really taken a look at what kind of weapon I was firing. It launched a potato right in the criminal's eye.

That did knock him to the ground, but it wasn't what I was hoping for. Still, I figured I'd take advantage of the opportunity, and ran for his prone body.

That's when I heard a weird sound near his head. I glanced down, just for a second, and saw the potato was glowing a weird color.

It only distracted me for a second, but that was enough for the criminal to punch me in the face. With the arm that was on fire.

---

You don't really know what just happened. You remember something hit you in the face, and then there was a cop rushing at you. He stopped for some reason, though, and that gave you enough time to hit first.

Unfortunately, some jerk cop grabbed both of you. Seems the cop isn't actually a cop, or at least as far as the locals are concerned. He dragged you out of the store while babbling something about boats.

You didn't really hear anything after that, though, because the store suddenly exploded behind you. That was probably a totally brilliant plan of yours.

Speaking of brilliant plans, it's time to come up with a new one to shake both of these cops. How are you going to do that?

LITERALLY SHAKE THEM

"I can break these cuffs"

You decide to shake the cops in the most direct way possible - grabbing them and shaking them. It's a little awkward with the handcuffs, but on the plus side, the local cop is on fire now because you grabbed him with the arm that's on fire.

Oh hey, the other cop's on fire too, you must have hit him before.

Oh hey, now your other arm is on fire from shaking him.

Well, whatever. You can deal with that when you finish shaking these cops.

---

When I was able to think straight again, I immediately found myself in the hands of the notorious criminal I'd never heard of before. He was shaking me, and some other guy, despite the fact he was handcuffed.

So was I, for that matter. And I was a little on fire. Before I could get back into the fight, I had to deal with those things.

What was I gonna do?

stop drop and flop

I racked my brains to remember the Council's recommended procedure when on fire. I knew it was stop, drop, and something, but I couldn't remember the third thing.

So, first I had to stop. This wasn't easy when I was being shaken, so I decked the criminal in the face. He fell to the ground and dragged me with him, along with the other guy he was shaking.

Hey, that took care of dropping, too. So now I just needed to figure out that third step. But all I could think of was flop. That didn't seem quite right, but it was all I could come up with. So I flopped around right there on the ground.

It didn't seem to help.

---

So you just got hit in the face and knocked to the ground, and now this cop is flopping around on top of you.

What are you going to?

shake rattle and roll

eat the cop

You decide to resume shaking the cop, but he just punches you again. The next thing you think of is rattling him, which basically means shaking him faster, you think. But then he punches you again, and you need to think of something else.

So you decide to roll him off you. Then you keep rolling him for a while and, oh, hey, he's not on fire now. That's probably not great for you.

But you've been so focused on this cop that you forgot about the other one, who sneaks up behind you and hits you in the back of the head. Fortunately, he doesn't have as good of a punch, so you quickly turn around and counter with the first thing you can think of.

---

The criminal managed to briefly get the upper hand, but he made a grievous error. Somehow all that fighting put out the fire. I guess the proper procedure was stop, drop, and fight.

Not very rhythmic, but hey, it worked.

Anyhow, I got up and dusted myself off as best as I could with these stupid handcuffs on. The criminal seemed to be trying to bite the local officer's arm off, but he wasn't doing a very good job of it.

It was the perfect chance to make my next move.

skedaddle.

Namely, getting the heck out of there. Either the local officer would take care of my problem for me, or the criminal would exhaust himself in the process of trying to get free. Either way, the best option for me was to just let that problem work itself out.

There was still one problem, though - my hands were cuffed together. If I did have to take care of the criminal myself, it'd be better if my hands were free.

But I could think about what to do about that when I'd put some distance between me and my troubles.

---

So that idea didn't work out. You haven't really managed to eat this cop at all, you've just bitten him a few times. And the main thing this is doing is getting him angry.

Out of the corner of your eye, you spot the other cop making a break for it. You're supposed to fight him or something, so you probably want to chase after him before he gets too far away.

But with this cop all up in your face, running isn't going to be easy.

Also, you're even more on fire than you were before. Fortunately, so is the cop, and you've got more experience with being on fire. You think.

Anyhow, how are you going to get this cop off your back so you can chase after that other cop?

climb on his shoulders and demand a piggy-back ride

Deliver a kick to the copper's knee, break it so he cannot pursue

kick him in the back and ask about books

You have a cunning plan.

First, you kick the cop in the knee as hard as you can. Not only is this a good distraction, it should also make it harder for him to chase you.

Then, while he's howling in pain, you take advantage of the distraction to hop on his back. You promptly order him to chase the other cop so you can fight him.

He just screams something about how his knee is broken. Geez, what a whiner. You kick him in the back. Then you ask him if he's read any good books lately, because you're really in the mood for a good conversation.

He doesn't seem inclined to give it to you. All he does is whine about his stupid knee and his stupid back pain while very slowly chasing the other cop.

This is so boring.

---

I stole a glance behind me. The criminal was riding on the local officer's shoulders, and they were headed this way. So, they were working together now? That was trouble.

I needed a plan, fast. And I knew the first step in the plan was going to be getting these handcuffs off. But how?

chew through them. they're made of delicious nutritious laffy taffy

Good thing you learnt how to dislocate parts of your body from watching Lethal Weapon 2.