Grand Battle Character Review/Critique Thread

As the title implies, this is a thread for the reviewing and critiquing of characters to be entered in any one of the many Grand Battles.

To be more exact, I would like this thread to be a place where someone can go for help. A thread where if someone is unsure about a character idea or a specific trait, they can (hopefully) find some assistance without any awkwardness; where someone can easily find someone willing to find holes in others profiles; where someone can ask for people willing to maybe start a pow-wow of sorts, going on IRC or whatever and just tossing ideas at each other! I would also like this thread to be for giving general character building tips.
For example, Dragon Fogel has mentioned that he likes to give his characters a goal outside the battle, such as Eximo Pulvis' compulsion to clean.

Finally, I would like to keep this thread tidy, and if we could keep long things under spoilers or in a PM response, that would be great! I also think that if some people really want to go the extra mile, they could plan a sort of IRC session to plot out things about the character; I know that this has really helped me with some profiles.

And yea, if we could keep this to serious character profiles and tips/tricks for any sort of Grand Battleish activities, that would be keen




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To kick things off, here is a guy I am entering in Pinary’s Villain Battle
If I could get responses via PM, that would be swell.

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SpoilerUsername: Solaris
Name: His Holyness the Glorious Pope Triumphian the First of the Holy Empire of Lagran(or Pope Triumphian for short)
Gender: Male
Race: Lagran, a reptilian alien race somewhat similar to our popular vision Dinosaurs.
Colour: #000666 :P

Biography: Above all, believe in your god. Over your friends, over your family, over your life. -- Pope Viazzi V

Kragnek Kull, a religious day where one looks to the past and celebrates past victories and studies past mistakes. It was on this glorious day, that His Holyness would broadcast his glorious voice to all of the worshipers of the Only True Lord and God. They would listen intently as the Glorious Pope would recite the Origin Tale of their God. And as a result, the entire universe saw The Event.

Triumphian rises, motioning for a silence. Today is the day, here, in the Holy Capital of the Chosen Planet, his planet, Lagran, he would recite the glorious Origin Tale. With every eye on him, he begins.

"Ages and ages into the past, a god existed. He was cruel, He was forceful, He was exactly what was needed for life to rise up from the desolate planet. The resulting beings were powerful, survivors, resourceful, and like their god, cruel to all. The god looked at all it had created and it was pleased. As the various species grew, they began to fight. To the god, none of these races stuck out, they had differences, physical and mental, but in the end, to him, they were all simply playthings. But as time went on he noticed one race in particular had done something that no others had. This race had honored him. And so the god decided to grace them with his presence."

The crowd, knowing the tale in its entirety, cheered at their obvious mention. Triumphian, still not finished with his tale, simply motioned for silence. And it was quickly given to him.

"For a time, the god and his chosen race lived on the same plane, he would ask for sacrifices and worship, and in return, they would gain technology, power, and standing in the world. Eventually, they rose up as the race, subjugating all others under the rule of the god. The entire planet was theirs, and they wouldn't stop. With the help of the god they would take to the stars.
However, one day, the God left the mortal plane. The God, having grown fond of the race who had worshiped him without question, gave them a gift. Upon his glorious ascension past the plane that we reside, he left a fragment of his power on the planet, to be given to one of his worshipers, his representative. That chosen one would lead in his stead. A holy leader of an empire ready to take on the world."

The crowd exploded. There was no reason not to. This was their tale, the story of how they came to be. Triumphian raised the Holy Staff and made it emit a shining light. As the staff shined with holy power, he roared to his people.
"I am Triumphian the First. I am your leader. Blessed by the power of our God, together, we will conquer in His name!" The light shined brighter than before as the words of Triumphian reached each of his disciples spread across the cosmos.

"Brothers and Sisters. Today is Kragnek Kull, our first of many together. If you will allow me, I shall tell you my history, my story." In reality, that was merely a formality. He knew that the crowd would love to listen to his tale regardless of if they had even heard it moments before. But formalities were important. Faith was important. Each and every step Triumphian took was planned to make sure that he would be the best. And he was, from the very beginning.

"I was spawned from the blackest pit of The Concavum, the only one to survive it’s toxic properties in over a thousand years. From the very moment that I rose out of the tar pool, I was marked for greatness. I was trained to be as strong and resilient as our warrior ancestors, those who fought against the beasts that once tried to rule the lands as we now do. I was taught by apprentices and descendants of the very prophets who had spoken with Our Lord. Yes, my growth was a careful and steady rise to greatness, and simply the Prequel to a greater story. Upon the end of my training, I was immediately added to our Holy Empire’s military forces. It was here, under the command of the great General Garug, that I proved myself to truly be of worth. As I fought in each battle, I not only showed exceptional force, but incredibly skill as well. I quickly rose through the ranks becoming the youngest commander in history. As my military conquests grew, so did my popularity, and with it, a chance of a lifetime. I was offered a place in the Holy Order, and I accepted with haste. And when, my predecessor, the Observant Pope Ultarros the Fourth, met his unfortunate end, I was Chosen. And from that moment, we, the citizens of the Holy Empire of Lagran were under the command of I, The Glorious Pope Triumphian the First, who has given us total victory in over six star systems in record time. Who has single handedly fought four Terrastians without a grievous injury. Who has mastered the Holy Arts in record time. Today is our day. I am your leader, and together, we shall spread our glorious reign to the edges of the universe. Kast Fur Tore!"

Upon ending his speech with the words of prayer, the universe shook. The great crowds bellowed back the prayer words of response, but their holy leader did not hear them. For it was then, at the end of his speech, the one calling for the greatest series of victories in recorded history, that Triumphian was lost. And with him, possibly his entire empire.

Description: Like all of the Lagran, Pope Triumphian is a large scaled, reptilian creature. When standing in the arched position that is normal for Lagran, he is at seven feet tall, able to go as far as ten if he stood straight up. His feet and hands are clawed, and his head and belly are covered in exceptionally strong scales. The length of arms in Lagran varies from one to the other; Triumphian has normal length, but powerful arms, capable of reaching around him with ease. His pyramid-like head has a mouth full of sharp teeth and two slightly angled eyes. His shoulders are garbed in the holy white robes, as is customary of the pope, and his head has the gold and white hat that initially held the holy power of his God. His body, like all those blessed by the gift, is colored a burnt red and his eyes are fully white.
Pope Triumphian believes in quick, careful conquest. He hits fast and he hits hard, a master of many trades, he knows the best tricks for putting someone under. However, he has the foresight to not act until he is certain, preferring to use his powerful speaking skills and holy powers to win victory via indirect means, be it converting the masses, or fooling them into falling into a trap. When he is not plotting the domination of planets, he is mulling over the secrets of the universe and attempting to channel and locate the will of his god. He is devoted to his god and will stop at nothing to spread his word to each and every sentient being, under His Holy Empire.

Items/Abilities: As His Holyness, Pope Triumphian has been blessed by his god, holding a fragment of his power until death. As a result, he can bless and empower others, emit a holy light, and ignite things with a holy flame, amongst other ‘miracles’. He holds a rod made up of the bones of the first Pope. The rod is extremely durable and stores the holy power of the first 10 generations of Popes. In addition, Pope Triumphian has his race’s durable scales and sharp claws and teeth. Strong and intelligent from his training and subsequent military tour, Triumphian is a testament to his race.

This is a good idea for a thread.

Here is one of the characters I am considering for the Fatal Encounter (the others are backup ideas in case this gets shot down):

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SpoilerUsername: Ixcaliber
Name: Elizabeth Hixley
Gender: Female
Font colour: This colour?
Species: Human

Biography: Blake sat on the edge of the pavement, his head in his hands. The woman that he loved was right now locking lips with the man who he had thought was his friend. He could not bear to think about it; the months of deceit and manipulation that had took his Sarah away from him. He was ready to give up; to give up on life, love, and happiness, when from across the way there was a faint noise like a jingling of bells.

Across the street stood an old shop, the sign above the door read ‘Curious Curios’. Its windows were cobwebbed and the paintwork was peeling. It was clearly a very old building only Blake was not sure that it had been there the last time that he had looked. Curiously he crossed the midnight street and peered through the grimy windows. The store was dimly lit by old oil-lamps. The shelves were stocked with many interesting items of all shapes and sizes; swords and shields, urns and vases, jamjars and gewgaws, badminton rackets and buckets and spades, stone tablets, piñatas, ornate mirrors and creepy dolls, sceptres, staffs, crowns and tiaras, all this and more.

His curiosity now more than piqued, Blake pushed open the old door, which elicited a tinkling from the bells fitted above it, and stepped inside. There was a certain otherness about the store, as if it did not belong. He gawped at the eclectic collection of items on display, moving deeper into the store until he found what appeared to be a fairly ordinary feather duster. There was nothing special about it, which made it interesting as to why his attention seemed to be drawn there.

“Made from real roc feathers you know.” A woman’s voice came from immediately behind him. Blake spun around in shock. The woman in question looked about thirty years old. She had long black hair, which she had plaited into a long ponytail going roughly halfway down her back. Perched upon her nose was a pair of thin rectangular glasses. Her eyes were a striking amber colour and her skin tan. She wore a pale orange blazer, an amaranth cravat, a plain white shirt, similar white pants and a pair of black winklepickers. She leant upon an ornate crystal cane, the head of which was carved into the shape of a jellyfish.

“Excuse me?” Blake asked.

“The feather duster,” the woman, presumably the proprietor, replied. “It’s made from real roc feathers. Why don’t you take it?”

“I’m sorry I was just curious.” Blake replied. “I have no need of a feather duster.”

“That’s no ordinary feather duster.” The proprietor replied. “Sure you can dust with it but why would you when it’s so good at brushing away lies and uncertainty?” Blake stared at her in disbelief. “You seem like the kind of kid who could get some use out of an item like this. Take it, I insist. It’s on the house.” She took up the feather duster and pressed it into Blake’s hands.

“Th-thanks…?” He stammered.

“Take care now.” She called after him as feather duster in hand Blake scurried away into the night.

The following day the whole incident looked very silly. He carried on with his life as normal and dismissed the proprietor’s claims as ridiculous. Sarah came around to collect her stuff. She did so in silence as Blake twirled the feather duster through his fingers. As much as he did not believe what the shopkeeper had said he couldn’t help but wonder… what if? What if this would wash away Adam’s lies, and let her clearly see how much she has been manipulated by that bastard? If not he’d look a little silly but he was past caring.

He strode towards his former girlfriend with the feather duster in hand and wondering exactly how this worked, dusted her. She tried to bat him away and called him some unpleasant names and then her face went curiously blank. She stood there like that for a minute as Blake retracted the magical duster.

“Sarah?” he asked. “Sarah, are you okay?” She looked around in confusion.

“Where am I?” she asked visibly panicking. “Who are you?”

“Sarah it’s okay.” He replied quickly, grasping her shoulders firmly. “It’s me, it’s Blake. You’re at my apartment.”

“I don’t know you. What do you want?” she asked terrified. “Who is this Sarah you keep talking about?”

It wasn’t long before Blake was rushing through the streets, feather duster in one hand, and Sarah’s unwilling hand in the other. He dashed towards where the shop had been, full of anger and fear. The proprietor had lied to him. She’d taken Sarah away from him for good. He would demand that she fix her. He came to a complete stop in front of where the shop had been, discovering only an empty space. It was as if the store had never been there at all.

Items/Abilities: Liz has two items that qualify as special. The first is her cane that she carries with her. It grants the bearer a form of eternal life (though not immortality). It is made from crystal and its head is carved into the shape of a jellyfish. The second is less obvious, a rather plain silver locket that she wears around her neck. When opened up there is a button inside. This button when pressed summons her shop to her. It attempts to occupy the nearest empty space. If there is somewhere nearby where it will appear innocuous, i.e. a row of buildings, then it will appear there.

The shop itself is what is known as a Wandering Shop. Put simply it is a shop full of mysterious and powerful items that has the ability to hop between dimensions. It seems to be affected by a sense of narrative timing, as it always seems to show up just when someone has need of one of the items and never seems to be there when they return.

A good few years ago now the control mechanism broke. While it still can move between dimensions if called via her locket, it can no longer be driven. Also Liz is not the original owner of this shop, meaning that she doesn’t know how it works or how to repair it, if it is even repairable.

The items in her shop vary in usefulness, some items for example designed to fill a specific niche and of no use in any other situation. Also of note is that the more powerful an item the more likely that there is some kind of downside to using it. Some items offer very little benefit and have grave curses. If you don’t know what each one does then it can be kind of a lucky dip, even Liz, knowledgeable as she is on the items, does not know what all of them do.

Description: Liz looks like she did in the biography, except in her early twenties instead of her thirties. (At the risk of repeating myself: long black hair in ponytail, glasses, amber eyes, tan skin, pale orange blazer, amaranth cravat, white shirt, white pants, black winklepicker shoes, ornate crystal cane head in shape of jellyfish.)

She is sort of twistedly whimsical. She loves to play with people, to give them trinkets and artefacts which will wreck their lives. Staying on the move is very important to her, and even after her shop had broken down she didn’t stay still. She travelled from town to town calling her shop after her. She is very secretive and doesn’t like anyone to know her true motives. She has a dark sense of humour that other people don’t seem to appreciate. She’s not typically violent as such, preferring to fight indirectly through misdirection and the use of artefacts.

The specific issue I have with this profile is the nature of the shop. I have limited it so that it can not be used as an escape route, but I am unsure as to whether it is still too much?

Solaris: I'm not sure what to say on your Space Pope; my planned villain is also religiously-themed and is from space, so I feel a little awkward commenting when there are those similarities, even if the characters are probably going to be very different.

Ix: I really like the concept here. As far as the shop goes... perhaps you could have it where the shop stocks its own shelves and Liz has no control of what's on there? So if she has to grab something from the shop, she has to settle for whatever it's offering at that moment.

(Also: Pinary has a severe phobia of jellyfish. It might be a good idea to change the shape of the cane.)

Ix: I really like the concept here. As far as the shop goes... perhaps you could have it where the shop stocks its own shelves and Liz has no control of what's on there? So if she has to grab something from the shop, she has to settle for whatever it's offering at that moment.

(Also: Pinary has a severe phobia of jellyfish. It might be a good idea to change the shape of the cane.)

I hadn't really considered the contents of the shop as being overpowered, more the fact that this is a location moving between universes. That was what I thought had the potential to call some issues, as a result I'm putting in a note that her necklace is completely unique so that cameoed Liz's can't call the shop.

The contents themselves are like typical magical artefacts. There are obviously some good ones but most have pretty significant downsides, or some that are just plain cursed with no upside. That said I think I like the idea that the shop sort of has it's own personality and stuff is never where you expect it to be, so you have to more or less go with whatever is at hand. I will incorporate that.

Also, I had a good reason for the jellyfish cane but if it's a thing I can swap phoenix instead even though that is significantly less clever.

Thanks Fogel.