ZooStuck

Originally posted on MSPA by Crowstone.

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>nuke the package

Originally posted on MSPA by OldManRupee.

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Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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> Eat the package. It can't hurt anybody now!

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Eat the package. It can't hurt anybody now!

You briefly consider eating the package, but then you remember that you have a connection to the global computer system built into your digestive tract that automatically scans and installs any software that happens to pass through you.

Somehow, the immense security flaws in this setup are only striking you right now. Regardless, you'll need to think of something else to do about this game.

Smash the package on the floor, as is your people's custom with deliveries.

You decide to try a cruder tactic and simply smash it against the floor.

But wait! The floor sensors are sure to scan the shattered pieces of the disc and then install it on the global computer system! Drat, this won't do, you'll need to think of another plan.

>nuke the package

Of course! You can just blow up the package! You'll just request a nuclear warhead from the global computer system and...

Oh, wait, the nuclear warheads are all equipped with scanners and install backups of whatever they destroy just in case they destroy the wrong thing. Stupid foresight! This isn't the first time it's interfered with your crazy and impulsive plans!

> Throw the package into the fires of Mount Doom.

Perhaps you can simply toss this package into the nearby volcano... No, wait, the volcano monitoring system will scan it and install the game in the global computer system.

Wow, for a civilization that lives in fear of being doomed by installing a new game, your society sure has a lot of ways to inadvertently install it in the global computer system. Maybe you guys aren't so great at this foresight thing after all.

GIVE IN TO YOUR CURIOSITY

You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat, or they would if they knew what a cat was.

That saying wouldn't be reassuring at all, but since you have no idea what a cat is you also don't know the saying. You decide to open the package and take a peek; surely that will only slightly doom your civilization, right?

Oh, wait. How disappointing. This isn't the civilization-dooming game foretold in prophecy, it's just Oregon Trail. The civilization-dooming game must be in that other package, the ominous black one with skulls and various hazard symbols pasted all over it.

Well, there's no harm in installing this in the global computer system and trying it out. Now, what sort of character will you be guiding to the mystical land of Oregon?

Originally posted on MSPA by Crowstone.

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die of drowning

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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A hard-drinkin', chain-smokin' sunnovvagun who wears black leather pants and plays by their own rules. An outlaw hunting outlaws. A bounty hunter. A renegade.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> An Arabian wizard named Jafar.

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> An Ancient Japanese Giant Robot named Goemon Impact.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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A hard-drinkin', chain-smokin' sunnovvagun who wears black leather pants and plays by their own rules. An outlaw hunting outlaws. A bounty hunter. A renegade.

You promptly design your character and...

Oh, what? What kind of dumb character creator is this? They only let you make characters with two arms and two legs! And they don't even look the least bit reptilian! This game is completely unrealistic.

Oh well. You do the best you can with what you have. You make your tough guy and the game automatically fills in the other characters...

Wow, these are boring. A bunch of kids and... some grey guy with horns? He's still got the wrong number of limbs, but at least he's not boring like the others. What kind of crazy science fiction game is this?

Oh well. You start playing anyways. Your party is sucked through a space/time warp to the mysterious world of OREGON, and your only hope for success is to conquer the mystical OREGON TRAIL.

That gray horned guy seems to be complaining. Also the game has apparently decided he's your tough guy bounty hunter's brother for some reason.

Well, whatever, you'll go with it. You soon come to a river, and are promptly attacked by giant robots made of cardboard. The time to act is now!

The first turn goes to the whiny horned guy. Ugh. What are you going to have him do?

die of drowning

Yeah, screw this jerk. He doesn't deserve a brother as cool as your main character. You just walk him into the river.

The rest of your party blames the robots for his death and their stats increase greatly. You easily defeat the robots and continue on the trail.

The rest of the journey is fairly uneventful until you come to the mighty OREGON FORTRESS. This fortress is protected by the most fearsome warriors in all of Oregon, armed with the mightiest of cardboard weapons! If you claim it, victory is yours!

(At least until you start over to see if you get a more interesting party. Preferably without a whiny jerk.)

What's your plan of attack?

Originally posted on MSPA by MrGuy.

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Throw oxen at it.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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die of dysentery

Originally posted on MSPA by DS Piron.

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> Fortess: Die of Dysentery.

..No, I didn't mean the people inside...

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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Throw oxen at it.

In a burst of inspiration that demonstrates how you managed to get this far in the game, you throw your oxen at the fortress. You now have no oxen and your party has severe back pain from trying to lift two oxen. Nice going.

> Fortess: Die of Dysentery.

..No, I didn't mean the people inside...

On the bright side, those oxen had dystentery, and now the fortress has caught it. It begins rotting and its cardboard walls start peeling away or whatever happens when a giant, inexplicably high-tech cardboard fortress dies of dysentery, you don't know how this crazy sci-fi game works.

Anyways, you've now won! Right? So why aren't you getting the victory screen?

die of dysentery

In an IRONIC TWIST OF FATE, you suddenly die of dysentery.

Fortunately, the global computer system scans your corpse and recreates you as a clone, with all your memories but without the vulnerability to dysentery. It then disintegrates your corpse right in front of you. This is not traumatizing in the slightest.

But the game's still running. The Oregon Fortres has been taken down, but your party is just standing there staring at the wreckage. What is this, some kind of extended cutscene? Man, this is lame. Your character whose name you entered on a whim and already forgot can totally do more awesome things than this.

You are now Will Smith. Unbeknownst to you, you are actually the main character in some lizard-alien's game of Oregon Trail. Unbeknownst to both you and said alien, this game is actually taking place on Earth roughly two hundred years in the past.

What you do know is that you most definitely were not Will Smith a day ago, though admittedly he's more badass than you were. You're also pretty sure you didn't have a brother, and if you did he totally wasn't as whiny as that guy who drowned himself in the river when those robots attacked.

You have dim memories of being in a hospital and running off with some idiot's hat, which you are now wearing under your much more badass renegade bounty hunter hat, but you can't remember why. Well, you remember a reason, but you don't remember what it means.

You think you were supposed to give the hat to some guy who called himself Phone, but you can't remember why. In fact, you're struggling to remember what connection you had to this Phone. You feel like it's important.

But what is it? Just who was Phone?

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

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The cat was Phone.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> He lives at the end of this trail.

Originally posted on MSPA by omegawill.

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Full name E.T Phonehome.

Originally posted on MSPA by Crowstone.

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you fathger, dark vader, was phone

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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Your identical twin sister.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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The cat was Phone.

> He lives at the end of this trail.

Full name E.T Phonehome.

you fathger, dark vader, was phone

Your identical twin sister.

Ah, that's right. Your father, who is somehow also your identical twin sister and a cat, is E.T. "Dark Vader" Phonehome and can no doubt be found at the end of this trail...

Oh, whoops. He (she?) just showed up and started eating the remnants of this cardboard fortress. And then these dumb kids who showed up out of nowhere.

CHILD

Oh, great, he/she's doing that creepy talk-into-your-mind thing again, daaad (or sis) why do you always have to do that?

I AM NOT HERE FOR YOUR MEANINGLESS PRATTLE CHILD

WHERE IS THE HAT

THE HAT WHICH MAY END MY INSATIABLE HUNGER

It's right here, geez... whoops, the wind blew it away.

ONCE AGAIN YOUR INCOMPETENCE SPELLS OUR DOOM CHILD

MUST I REMIND YOU OF HOW I GAINED THIS HUNGER

No, not really, especially not with a creepy flashback...

Oh, dammit, it's a creepy flashback. Thanks a lot, Dad/Sis/Whatever-You-Are!

Anyways, you are... whoever the hell you were before being Will Smith. That's probably not important. You run a restaurant, and this strange creature you've never seen a picture of has taken up residence, but that's also probably not important. You also have a nice hat, but that too probably isn't important.

What is important is that there's a strange pumpkin-headed creature who has just ordered a watermelon, and you accidentally gave him a cheeseburger. Offended, he has called out his kinsmen to attack your restaurant.

How the hell did you get out of this, again?

Originally posted on MSPA by Professor Science.

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> Throw watermelons at them.

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> You got the gun that shoots potatoes.

Originally posted on MSPA by PersonPerson.

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Throw cheeseburgers that shoot guns at them.

Originally posted on MSPA by Dragon Fogel.

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> Throw watermelons at them.

That's right. You decided that perhaps watermelons might satiate their hunger and cause them to call off their attack - that was what the first one ordered, after all. And failing that, they might serve as effective weaponry.

Unfortunately, as you grabbed the first one, you dropped it on your foot. After the pain dies down, you concluded that lighter weapons were the way to go.

> You got the gun that shoots potatoes.

After your initial plan failed, you grabbed the potato gun and began firing upon the mass of pumpkinmen. It seemed, however, that they were immune to the effects of your potato barrage.

Their advance continued unabated; was it their common heritage as food that protected them? Or perhaps the fact that both begin with P? At the time, you could only speculate.

Except you didn't have time to do that, because seriously, angry pumpkinmen.

Throw cheeseburgers that shoot guns at them.

In a bizarre fit of what passed for inspiration at the time, you decided that if a gun that shot food wouldn't work, perhaps food that shot guns would!

The end result of this experiment - you still aren't sure how you actually got this to work - was that rather than being attacked by dozens of angry pumpkinmen, you were being attacked by dozens of angry pumpkinmen with guns, while you were left holding a cheeseburger. The very object which had so offended the customer in the first place.

As one drew near, and pointed his firearm at you - the one which he wouldn't have if you hadn't tried to shoot it at him from a cheeseburger - he also pulled something out of his coat. A large, ripe, tomato. Soon, his fellow pumpkinkin retrieved similar tomatoes from their own pockets.

"You'll discover in just a few short minutes the nutritional value of tomatoes," he said in a calm, yet menacing tone of voice.

You remember that this fate seemed terrifying at the time, although now you have no idea why. Regardless, you know that somehow you managed to avoid it.

But what exactly did you do?

Originally posted on MSPA by Solaris.

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you turned into a magical girl

Originally posted on MSPA by snuffysam.

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> You grabbed that fire hose of Subtraction Stew and sprayed it in his mouth.